 Good morning or evening or afternoon my beautiful friends. There are two quick things I need to say before we jump into this video. First of all, it's not a very happy video. I'm in a pretty dark place in this video. I decided to go ahead and share it because I feel like sharing the ups and the downs are pretty important. I know that a lot of you guys are on similar journeys. Whether or not it's related to health or imputation, nobody's life is a straight line and I think we all experience hopelessness at some point and that is definitely where I am right now and so I wanted to kind of share with you guys some honest feelings of what's been happening and where I am and what's happened this week. Secondly, way cooler news before we actually jump in. This is my new intro created by my good friend Rick. He is freaking fantastic. I'm so impressed with him and I put his contact information in the description below. Please hit him up if you have any questions. If you need an intro for anything, if you need any after effects work done, he was amazing to work with and did such a killer job, check this out and then we will hop into the less chipper video. Hello beautiful internet friends. I am shooting this video to hopefully clear my mind a little bit so I can hopefully do some things I need to do today. I am pretty good at like just coming back to hope, not staying hopeful all the time like nobody can do that but like like I mean like we've pointed out before. I have hope tattooed on me. I have eight tattoos total of them like six of them all revolve around the idea of having hope of coming back to hope because man we kind of suffocate without it. I went to the doctor this week as I mentioned to you guys I would be doing because working with my press that I like didn't feel right, even putting the liner on didn't feel right. I had like shooting weird pain like it just it felt wrong you know. Hi I'm on my way up to Denver yet again to see my doctor yet again. This is me trying to keep a wide open mind that maybe that's all that's going on you know so I've got sunshine in the back. She has a name? That's right. So after much debate I have decided on her name being sunshine like walking on sunshine. I thought that was just so punny and adorable but her nickname is gonna be hiccup because I also love that so I mean basically two names. I am so tired of making this drive. I haven't wanted to be in front of a camera ever since I went to that doctor's appointment. Videos you've seen released since then because that doctor's appointment was on Thursday have all been recorded before Thursday because I have not been able to put into words any kind of summary of being okay because I'm not. I also haven't wanted to talk about my feelings because they don't feel great and avoiding them sounds a lot better. Long story short I went to my doctor's appointment. I figured out what's going on. Basically I've got a nerve issue. They don't think it's a neuroma but my nerves are freaking out at the very bottom of my leg which actually kind of makes sense because I was thinking it was like in the same place I had surgery but through really like poking and prodding at things we figured out quickly. You know how sometimes you have pain in one area but the actual source of the pain is a slightly different area because that's just how our bodies work that's kind of what was going on. The actual pain that I was experiencing was like at the very bottom of my leg. Totally unrelated to what I had surgery for. Totally unrelated to anything else at all that's been going on just something random that's going wrong that's really painful. There's not really a super direct way to fix it. Right now we're trying CBD oil and like massaging it basically pissing it off like just making it hurt more thinking that like desensitization I think I think I said that right will work. My doctor also ordered like this super special expensive prescription topical compound cream that's supposed to help with pain but I am just so so defeated because if this doesn't work maybe we'll inject it full of steroids and and who knows if that's gonna work. In the meantime it's super painful and in the meantime I can't use my leg or if I do at all it's really painful. I hate saying this because I sound so victim-y saying it but like this comes at a time when like just after I recovered from surgery and like have the go-ahead to start doing things and like start trying to get a prosthetic leg and like let a little bit of hope in that like okay well maybe I can like actually start on this this course and start like maybe this is it maybe this is the time to like actually start moving forward like boom out of nowhere something else randomly goes wrong for no known reason. I know stuff happens like I know I really do. I know better than like anyone that stuff happens because it always does. I just don't know how I'm like supposed to keep vision or like really need to readjust where my hope is I think because it feels very unwise to hope that this issue will actually magically resolve itself when my doctor didn't really have any hope that it would and I may see second opinions on this I probably will actually hear pretty soon. It's just another roadblock as soon as things get started and I feel like that's what I'm destined to and I'm not I know that I know that I'm not you're seeing me in a very low place in a bad place I don't know if you guys watch the story time video I did on Saturday but it was about that day where I had to shave my head for no reason and then went to the doctor expecting to have major brain surgery and he canceled everything and that day was one day where I hit a wall and was like it's never gonna get better it's never gonna get better because I was like kind of the culmination of so much stuff where I was like finally something after so much stuff happening finally something is gonna fix it even though it was gonna be really painful even though it's gonna be difficult like I was on board for that and then like all that hope was taken away and I remember just like yelling it is never going to get better and then that led to like years of trying to find a way to like patch work away to make things work and that's what chronic pain is like that's what this life is and I hit that same wall walking out of the doctor's office on Thursday just being like oh oh it's not gonna get better okay we all know that like logically rationally the past is not a good indication of what's gonna happen in the future if we rely on our own experience we go astray pretty quickly but it's hard not to listen to my own experience in the situation where for the past 14 years something has always gone wrong with my ankle when it wasn't supposed to and I feel like I finally took care of that problem and now things are consistently going wrong every time I think I'm gonna take a step forward with this process and I realize that that's part of the journey and I will learn from this and I will grow from it and a part of me is grateful for that but that's not the part that I feel right now and if I decide to publish this video which I'm not sure is a good idea or not at least it will show the reality of the roller coaster that is this journey and I've been like fine the last couple days because I've been like nope we're not gonna think about that I'm just gonna pretend that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and everything's gonna be fine but that's that's not the case posted on Instagram the other day about how I think it's important that I readjust thinking what life is that like focus on how nice it is to wake up to coffee in the morning because damn it it's really great and focus on how awesome it is to have great conversations with friends and car rides up to Denver and focus on the fact that I really like the color of this blanket because I am so frustrated with life as a whole right now but when I say that I discount all of the other little things that like actually make up life and so today a few hours we're gonna go bring my dogs home because I feel like that's an important safety and protective mechanism for my mental health right now they need to be around even if it makes things harder like around the house at least for a little while they need to be here and I will figure it out but right now I just kind of feel like my wires have been ripped out and I am not brimming with hope and I'm not sure how to like readjust my perspective from relying on so many years of my experience to to what reality might be in that like this issue might resolve itself in a couple weeks and like we might be able to actually start this process time because that might actually be the case and I don't want to dwell in like bitterness and anger and darkness for too long this is the honest roller coaster so thanks for being here for so there we have it um so I was actually thinking as I was about to edit this back to a video I made back in the middle of my trip before I had the surgery all about hopelessness and kind of the hopelessness I was feeling before that surgery and a lot of the same stuff is coming up it's a lot of the same like this will never be okay it'll never get fixed and that's very catastrophic thinking and I recognize that rationally but emotionally I just feel like a basket case and emotionally I feel like I'm drowning and there's no other way for me to qualify that or for me to be like but I'm like everything will be okay because right now I just feel like I'm drowning I'm not sure what to do and that's where I am but I will keep going to sleep and waking up and you know what it's not gonna feel like this forever if there's anything I've learned so far in life it is that and I will do my very best to look for whatever this season has for me and to try to stay away from that catastrophic nothing will ever be okay kind of thinking I also do want to let you guys know that this video is kind of sponsored not really I actually just wanted to thank my patrons this video is sponsored today by my patrons on patreon thank you guys so much I know I always put an end credit up thinking guys but I wanted to actually thank you guys today and say that our patron of the day today is Karen Ross Karen thank you so much for supporting my patreon and the same goes for all of you guys I appreciate it more than you know thanks guys I'm thinking about you I love you I will see you in the next video I hope you're taking care of yourselves bye guys