 The Jack Benny Program presented by Lucky Strike! Great one! From first puff to last, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky. Yes, from the very first puff you get smooth, mild smoking enjoyment. The rich, mellow taste of fine tobacco. Because LS-MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts. Now fine tobacco costs more. and at the auction's luckies pay more millions of dollars more than official parity prices to get fine light naturally mild tobacco tobacco that smokes cool and smooth with never a rough puff the independent tobacco experts can see the makers of lucky strike consistently selected by ripe mellow leaf and a recent survey shows more of these experts auctioneers buyers and warehouse men smoke lucky strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined that's a tip for you friends for your greater enjoyment of smoking yes for a smoother milder smoke with never a rough puff smoke the smoke tobacco expert smoke lucky strike so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw the lucky strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Phil Harris Rochester Dennis day and yours truly down will ladies and gentlemen let's go back a few hours it's just before our regular Sunday rehearsal and Jack is in his dressing room waiting for his guest star to appear a Rochester has Fred Allen arrived yet no sir say boss mr. Allen has been off the air for a long time has me yes yes he has well you and he never did get along how come you have him on your program well Rochester I'll admit it took me a long time to make up my mind I didn't feel sorry for mr. Allen when he lost his job and I wasn't particularly upset when he was evicted from his house but last week when I saw him standing on the corner of sunset and Ohini selling maps to movie stars home I'll wept he looked awful standing out there selling those maps his suit was so ragged it looked like he bought it one flight up and then fell down the stairs no kidding boss does he really look that bad Rochester you won't believe this but Allen is so weak that he's talking through his mouth now he hasn't the strength to push the words up through his nose oh it's pathetic under the circumstance I suppose you're going to give him a very generous check well a man should never let his sympathies override his good judgment in business I'm going to pay him according to the number of laughs he gets then you'd better watch it boys he's loud and live himself right into the upper bracket listen Allen couldn't add live the word please if it was preceded by give me a package of beeman's peps and chewing gum so I'm not worried about what he's like oh Jack what is it done well everyone's out on stage waiting for you oh good as Fred Allen come in yet I'm not yet oh well I'll be out in a minute oh boss why do you want me to make out the payroll like I always do yes Rochester and on Don Wilson's check deduct 50 cents 50 cents yes and on the stub make a notation deduction for DP DP what does that stand for drear pooson he'll he'll understand well I better get out on the stage see you later Rochester you don't do it on the ground the github Los Angeles open golf tournament sure was exciting my legs are still sore from following Hogan and Snead I was silly to follow such good players they never lose any balls yeah I did a dumb the dumb the dumb the dumb the dada now fellas before we try that number again I want to make a few changes first trumpet in the third major changed the F sharp to an A flat. Phil. Just a minute, Jackson. Now in the second sax, in that first major following the code, it changed the D flat to an E natural. Look, Phil. Now tenor sax planted at the flute right after the on Dante. Give me a little more pianissimo. Phil. Now let's have it. One, two. That's exactly what I want. Phil. Phil, what was that? Some enchanted evening. That was some enchanted evening. Sure. And that's the way you're gonna play it on my program? Certainly. Well, Phil. Phil. Yeah. If some enchanted evening, you should meet a stranger, ask him for a job. That was the worst. Wait a minute, Jackson. I forgot the most important change of all. Oh, I'm sorry. Joe, turn your trombone around. You're blowing in the wrong end. I wondered when you noticed that he's been doing it since 1936. Phil, if I were you, I'd worry less about the music and more. Jack, Jack. Let's get on with the rehearsal. Well, we'll start when Alan gets here. Is Fred Allen gonna be our guest? Certainly, Mary. I told you last week. I thought you were kidding. Getting Fred Allen is no surprise to me. What? I could see the handwriting on the wall. Dennis, you're in the middle of your season. You got to start getting last, kid. Now look. Some Sundays I'm ashamed to go home. Wait a minute, Dennis. There's nothing for you to be ashamed of about my program. I happen to be one of the country's outstanding comedians. Some comedian. You couldn't ad-lib the word please if it was preceded by give me a package of Beeman's peps and chewing gum. Dennis, where'd you hear that? On Groucho Marx's program, Wednesday night. Oh, yes. It was pretty good, wasn't it? Yeah. I like the part where Groucho said Fred Allen is so weak he has to talk through his mouth. Dennis, shut up. What a kid. Jack, I just look over the script and from the jokes I've got, you must have stolen them from Death of a Salesman. What? I haven't got one good gag in the whole show. Well, it's your own fault, Mary. I had a very funny routine in there about your sister, Babe, and you made me take it out. Of course I did. The horrible things you make me say about her. About Babe? Certainly. One week she's a model in a harness shop. Next week she's a hostess on a live bait bar. At the following week she's a sewer inspector at Pismo Beach. Well, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? People think she can't hold a job. Well, then we won't tell any more jokes like that about Babe. And you can stop talking about her looks, too. Now, wait a minute, Mary, even as though it is your sister, let's face it. She never was exactly bolded Miss America. No, but you came close. Close? Mr. America. Oh, yes, Gabby Hayes came in second, I remember. Anyway, Mary, if you object so strenuously to what we say about Babe, we'll leave it out of the script. Well, say Jack, it's getting kind of late. Can't we rehearse without Alan? No, we can't, Don. Well, say, Mr. Benny, as long as we have to wait, would you like to hear my song first? Well, yes, Dennis, you might have. Oh, wait a minute, that reminds me of something. Now go ahead, Dennis, sing your song, will you? Jack, what was that? Well, during our murder mystery last week, the quartet was supposed to sing that. And at one point they got it so mixed up that nothing came out. It was just awful. Oh, so you're making them sing it today, huh, Jack? 500 times. They won't bother us. They have to stay in that closet until they finish. But, Jack, the four of them in such a small closet. Well, that's part of the punishment, Mary. They can't stand each other, you know? Well, I don't think they're crazy enough to sing that same thing 500 times. You don't think so? Listen to this. You see? Now, Dennis, go ahead and sing your song. 500 times? No, only one. Do it on the show I'll say that was Dennis Day singing happy times from Danny Kaye's new picture the inspector general starring Danny Kaye. The song was written by Mrs. Danny Kaye and sung in the picture by Mr. Danny Kaye. There I guess that'll take care of the Christmas present I forgot to send them. Now kids, let's try and get this, get this, get this, get this. It's more for fights and battles, yes sir me. Hey! Dennis, get away from that door. Stop this, one of the fellas in the quartet look exhausted. Must be the tenor, they never do hold up. But maybe I ought to take a look. Alice Alice Alice and the peepy snake is more for fights and battles. They're alright Mary. Are you sure? Certainly I'll show you. Yes sir me. Hey! Now look kids, I've made up my mind if Alan doesn't get here for rehearsal in the next ten minutes I'm gonna cancel him. I wonder where he can be, hasn't any friends out here. Maybe. Will it be anything else Mr. Alan? Yes waiter, I'll have another cup of coffee. Before I took this job here at the Brown Derby I was a waiter at Lendase. Really? Now how are things back in New York? Well they're about the same except we have a water shortage you know. Oh yeah I've been reading about that. Did it affect you personally? Well it didn't bother me much at first but after several weeks something told me to take a bath. Jay what did you do? Well every day I'd lunch at the automatic and while the nickel changer wasn't watching I would slyly pilfer half a glass of water which I would take home and pour into my bathtub. Yeah? Then on Tuesday evenings I would visit my friends and while they were listening to my jokes on Milton Burl's program I would siphon a little water out of their goldfish bowl. Oh I used many other ingenious methods of collecting moisture. When pigeons weren't looking I would raise them up slowly and drop my handkerchief into their bird baths. I'd follow window washes through the Empire State Building to catch their dripping and I would purposely irritate little boys so they'd squirt their water pistols at them. Well finally after much waiting and hard labor I had collected four precious inches of aqua pura in my bathtub. And then you took your bath? Oh no I rented it out I'm not working you know. You're not on a radio anymore. Well you may have heard over heard a gossip you know radio is highly competitive and the program that used to be opposite me was a giveaway show. Now I don't know how it happened but on the last Sunday in June they gave me away. No yes I was prize number seven I came between a plastic zither and a year supply of strong heart dog food. Well Jean Mr. Allen if you're through with radio then you must be out to make a picture. No no I am not my inquisitive little straight man. I am here I am this is confidential you know I am here as a personal emissary of Mayor O'Dwyer to ask Jack Benny to come to our trouble city on March 15. Why did they want Frank there on March the 15th. Because when Benny pays his income tax his tears alone will fill every reservoir. Mr. Allen aren't you supposed to be on Jack Benny's program today. Well this is none of my business but how much is Benny going to pay you. Well I don't know yet but my lawyer filed suit against him two weeks ago. Wait a minute you ain't even been on his program yet and you started showing him two weeks ago. My friend when you deal with Benny it's always best to get a running star. He's really that cheap. Why Benny is so tight that last summer when he was out on a dude ranch he kept his money in a wildcat's mouth. And he was snide enough to find a wildcat with tonsillitis so it couldn't swallow. Wait a minute I'd better get going I have to go to that old man's rehearsal over there. Say which network is he lousing up now. Well he's at CBS it's just two blocks from here. Say on second thought you know I think I'll let him stew a little while. Bring me another cup of coffee. I can't understand what's keeping Fred. Oh Jack take it easy he'll be here any minute. Well when we go to court I'm certainly going to bring up about him being late. All right Chester will you run out and see if you can find Mr. Alan maybe he's at Lyman's or at the Derby. Yes sir. Alan is certainly a thoughtless guy. He's been doing things like this to me since the first day I met him. Jack I've been with you for so many years and I never knew how you first met Fred Alan. Oh what happened in Boston a long time ago. Well tell me about it Jack. All right Don it was many many years ago when vaudeville was at its height I was the headliner at the Metropolitan Theater in Boston. One night after the supper show I was sitting in my dressing room resting from my seven encoys. I was removing my makeup. Gosh they were a wonderful audience tonight they made me take seven vows. This makeup is hard to get off. I'll see a gray hair. I should be getting great. This is the first year I'm thirty nine. Well I'll just come in. Mr. Benny. Yes Mr. Benny my name is Fred Alan. I'm appearing here at the Metropolitan. That's funny I don't remember any Fred Alan on this bill. I'm in the opening act. Oh I thought the opening act was thanks mules. I took my makeup off. Oh so you're with things mules. May I sit down. Yes but not too close. Now what what can I do for you young man. Well Mr. Benny I am a great admirer of your sir and I want to be a smart sophisticated comedian like you. Oh then you're a comedian. Yes I'm just mule delineating for the time being. I am really a jugger but I want to give up juggling because you can't get any steady booking. Oh I don't know now my brother worked for a bank juggled their books and got 20 years. If you ought to be a comedian Alan you better watch it you see you let that one get past you. Oh it didn't get past me Mr. Benny. I've been around mules so long I didn't notice it. Well Mr. Alan if you're a jugger I hardly think you have the experience to become a great comedian. Oh sir I never hope to be as great as you are sir but I do think with a little perseverance and some polish mark you I might become another Maury Amsterdam. Well you should be able to get laughs Alan you're ugly enough. Thank you sir. Tell me Mr. Benny what do you think of this new entertainment medium that's just starting up this thing called radio. Well I've been giving it a lot of thought in fact I already have an idea for a radio program. You have. Yes on my program each week I'll visit a place called Benny's Boulevard where I'll start knocking on doors and ask topical questions of four people. Four people. Yes a southern senator a Rube who says howdy bub a Bronx housewife and an Irishman. Gosh what a novel idea for radio. You know that might even replace the street singer. You'll have to excuse me now Alan I've got to get dressed for dinner. Well goodbye Mr. Benny and thank you so much sir for your help. I will always treasure the memory of this meeting meeting the greatest comedian in the world sir. Thank you. And that done is how I first met Fred Allen and why I dislike him so much. Jack you mean. Yes he stole my radio idea and called it Alan's alley. Yeah I wonder if Rochester has found him yet. I'll have another cut. Oh there you are Mr. Allen I've been looking all over for you. Oh hello Rochester say I was just getting ready to go over to the studio. Well let's hurry Mr. Benny's awful upset. Come on I'll show you the shortcut to CBS. No Rochester I'm rather surprised to see that you're still Mr. Benny's valid. I thought you'd quit long ago. Oh it ain't such a bad job I get my three meals a day and I don't work too hard and I have a nice place to sleep. Well I know but what about money. Pardon. What what happens on payday. He gives me a whip and a chair and tells me to get it from the wild. These years Rochester you'd think Benny would change but he's just as bad as when I first met him in Boston many years ago. I never did hear about how you two first met. Would you tell me about it Mr. Allen. Well are you really interested how you're. I shall be glad to tell you Rochester. Before you start we'll take this shortcut. We'll go through the parking lot at NBC which leads to the back door of CBS. That way we can. Who was that. Phil Harris. Well Rochester had happened many many years ago. I was headlining at the Metropolitan Theater in Boston and one evening after the supper show I was sitting in my dressing room removing my makeup. Care what a show I'm all tired out from blowing kisses to the audience 11 on course before I finally big door. Come in. Mr. Allen. Yes. My name is Jack Benny. Well I'm glad you got here. It's the cold water faucet that's leaking. No no I'm not the plumber. I'm appearing here on the portable bill with you. Jack Benny Jack say I did I didn't see your name on the program. Oh I'm in the opening act but the show opens with a Japanese flash act Yamaguchi and Takamura gosh they're wonderful the way they lie on their backs and juggle that big barrel with their feet. I know and inside of that barrel me. No. Oh yes Mr. Allen while they're balancing that barrel and kicking it up in the air. I'm curled up inside with my violin playing Ireland must be heaven because my mother came from there. What an inspired touch. I can just hear that music coming out through the bung hole. Well so much for flattery. Now what can I do. What can I do for you Mr. Allen sir you've got to help me. I want to be a great comedian like you. I want to make a lot of money. A lot of money. But Benny why knock yourself out to make a lot of money. You'll only spend it. No no Mr. Allen I save my money. Here look say that's a peculiar looking wallet you have there. It's a baby wildcat. A strep throat. Anyway Mr. Allen I want to be a great comedian like you. Well if you're so anxious to earn big money why don't you turn to radio radio. Yes it's a gold mine. Say I'm working on an idea for a program for myself. Now my idea is this I'll be the star you see and I'll have a valid a very naive young boy singer a girl to insult me a drunken orchestra leader and a fat announcer. That sounds like a wonderful idea Mr. Allen and I hope you have a lot of luck with it. Goodbye. And that's how I first met your boss Rochester. You may yes Rochester. Mr. Benny stole my radio idea crawled out of his barrel said goodbye to Yamaguchi and Takamura crawled out through the bung hole became a big success on the air sold himself to CBS for two million dollars. While today I am a bum. How fickle fate can be. Well here's the studio Mr. Allen let's go in. No no Rochester I can't go in. What. I can't do it Rochester I can't let Benny give me a job. I may be a derelict down and out but I've still got my pride but Mr. Allen. No I'm sorry Rochester I just can't do it but Mr. Allen you haven't got any money how are you going to live don't worry about me I'll get along. Maps get your maps to the movie. There's never a rough puff in the lucky because lucky strike means fine tobacco. So. Yes sold to American that's a familiar cry at the auction when fine tobacco comes up for sale for it market after market the buyers for lucky strike go after fine light naturally mild tobacco tobacco they know will give you a milder smoother smoke with never a rough puff now fine tobacco like this costs more and luckies pay more millions of dollars more than official parity prices to get light ripe tobacco for your cigarette no doubt about it ls mft lucky strike means fine tobacco and it takes fine tobacco to make a fine cigarette so for the real deep down smoking enjoyment that only fine tobacco can give you light up as a lucky puff by puff you'll see there's never a rough puff in a lucky good reason to make your next carton lucky strike that's the worst thing anybody ever did to me I'll never forgive Fred for not showing up jack stop complaining had a good program without him I know but how could he do a thing like that all right don't walk so fast I can't keep up with you okay hey mister would you like to buy a map to the movie stars homes don't you talk to me stupid man come on Mary well you might at least say hello to Portland she's on the other corner hello Portland how are they going but most of all a boy needs a friend the big brother why not you observe National Big Brother week by volunteering your services now contact big brothers at Broad Street Station building Philadelphia 3 Pennsylvania and be sure to hear Dennis Day in a day in the life of Dennis Day stay tuned for the Amos Nandy show which follows immediately this is CBS the Columbia Broadcasting System