 So I've been trying to think of a good way to talk about what trauma is and when I'm talking about trauma you know people immediately think of horrific events in maybe a nearly childhood and the truth is that because as children We're so incredibly fragile, you know, I think even physically we're very very fragile emotionally we're very fragile and Maybe we're around people and those people have had years to come to terms with their own coping mechanisms and neurotic behavior and Then you know the child is put into that environment and the child kind of has to come to terms with the neurotic behavior Did this functional behavior? It's not known to the child and it's not natural. So the child kind of has to adapt to that but These different experiences, you know, there's there's many different Adverse childhood experiences they range from neglect and abuse All the way to sort of a maybe parents as an example will be parents who will be overly involved which can lead to a different type of trauma and You know that word again trauma. It's not this it's just not just only these adverse childhood experiences It's anything and this is my definition of trauma Anything that leads to a split in the personality Or anything that leads to a split in the psyche so Let's take an example. Let's say for instance a Child is in an environment in which their parents are both Emotionally not attuned to their needs at all Or maybe even they're cold emotionally and what that child is going to learn in that situation pretty quickly is that my need my need for connection here is not going to be met and It's very difficult to not have an emotional need met for a long time So basically they will become emotionally withdrawn themselves They won't see any sense in reaching out for connection because they've tried and tried and tried and it hasn't been met however the truth for that child is that they do Truly want connection and that is not something that can ever change just because that need hasn't been met So in order to go along living in this environment With this unmet emotional need that's never going away The mind fractures into two parts they hurt part the part is that's been ignored the part that isn't getting what it needs Now becomes a liability from that child's point of view so that part has to go over here and a an Alternative part that has to cope with that is now formed over here and that is the part that is Deeply self-reliant it is maybe maybe even it becomes manipulative which it has to to survive Maybe it becomes fiercely independent to the extent that any child can and that's Now two parts of the psyche whereas before there was a unified part So that's one example now We we're gonna know this is kind of an avoidant attachment style that will take shape later on in this person's life in relationships but as This person grows up What they're going to learn is you know, we were aware of two different parts of the mind here now Okay, one that is fiercely independent Doesn't trust relationships because it a good reason not to and the other part that is deeply hurt and Still needs that connection desperately wants it. Okay. Now. What do we know about these two parts? Let's simplify this a little bit. Let's make this more practical these two parts their counterparts They Intensely dislike each other if you like any time we experience a trauma and there's this experience of a frack a fraction Fractionation or a Split The result will be two parts that do not like each other. They're kind of in a constant state of war or conflict with each other now There's really only One way to heal this okay, and the process itself is called reconciliation But we're gonna come on to that in a bit But the fact that these two parts hate each other and they're in such conflict with each other It really is down to the fact that that Person that child who maybe grows up now is Identified with one side over the other and typically what's the side that they're going to identify with they're going to pick the side of will say Are they going to pick the side of the part that wants connection and feels intensely vulnerable and hurt or are you going to pick the side of this Sort of savior or protector which is fiercely independent But you know doesn't give them that need for connection typically we identify With the protector part. Okay. Now. That's like almost a universal law and trauma the protector part It becomes the part we take the side of or we identify with Now in this example What we'll notice is in that period of the child's life Maybe in that difficult childhood they need to identify more with the savior part the protector part Well later on in life. They're going to run into relationships. They're going to still be and here's the thing even though To have identified with the protector this part. That's now and you could say it's in the shadow mind This part is still actively working to get its needs met it will still seek out Unconsciously to get that need for connection, but it's not consciously done. It's done unconsciously So the person will go towards Relationships, but the protector part won't allow them to stay there for very long as an example So Let's look at it. Maybe another example. Maybe in childhood the person is Shamed by their parents for not being smart enough, okay Maybe their dad has some kind of an insecurity or their mom has an insecurity And they displaced that out to the child to project that onto the child and the child now It's this thing this thing that they're not smart enough So what do they do? Well, okay, that part feels deeply hurt has an experience some conditional love here at all So it goes over here. It feels insecure doesn't know how to deal with it What's the solution? There's a split takes place from that trauma and now this other part forms which can become a kind of an intellectual or it can become You could say even and know it all it really feels like it has to know and master everything or have an opinion on everything and These two parts now intensely dislike each other this part here is Really completely ignoring this part that feels vulnerable at all and won't tolerate that vulnerable part It will never allow this part to say I I don't know for instance, okay We'll be identified with this Another great common example. I've talked about it many times here before but it's the example again maybe been shamed in childhood for being lazy and And very very difficult the child feels very very vulnerable and hurt because of that powerless even They develop a strategy and that's that split comes and the other side It is now the protector is going to be the productive guy. Okay, the productive person and Productive lazy Patriot between these two they don't like each other But you know, we're going to identify and want to be with that productive person and of course this lazy part is still unconsciously trying to get its own Agenda mere so it will find ways to act out that laziness unconscious unconsciously even though consciously this person is now identified as with the productive part so In that example, this person Will constantly be making decisions that constantly making plans They'll be trying to become more productive become more productive all the time all the while in denial about the fact of this insecurity or this very actual real valid part of themselves that wants really essentially rest and relaxation so Any decision they make while identified with one side only Will not be a good decision The whole process of healing in this no matter what the psychic explainer the trauma is that the vote that splits the psyche into two We only get into trouble with it and it's only maintained as long as we pick sides So I like the productive guy hate the lazy guy. I like to smart me. I hate the stupid me Right. See how we're picking sides What we have to do is take away or Disidentify with either side and start to see both of them as two parts of ourselves that are both quite valid and Once both parts have been heard what we're trying to do was not we're not trying to like give the The productive side something one day and then the next day goes to the lazy side We're not trying to get them to have an equal share We're not trying to get this one to compromise to accommodate this one or this one to compromise to accommodate this one We're trying to get them to both team up and We're trying to get them to cooperate. Do we're not getting them to? Sacrifice themselves right or compromise. This is not about compromise. This is about cooperation So practically speaking if we're trying to integrate this if we're trying to Disidentify from either of these two sides stop picking sides and see if we can actually just bring peace or reconciliation to these two parts of the One mind. This is all the one individual that has been splitted to do if we bring those two parts together We're going to have an experience much more of authenticity This is this is actually feels much more like me making decisions now Rather than me being in conflict and remember that conflict always comes from a trauma Or that split comes from a trauma. So on a practical level one thing we can do is What I ask people to do is try to try to identify what this conflict is And you know, you look out into your life and you look at your behavior You look externally and see where am I being incongruent here? Where am I telling myself consciously? I need to be more productive for instance and Then I find myself being totally not productive. I know it's unconscious without permission. It's taken over unconsciously So there's an example. Okay, there must be a conflict here in myself. I'm telling myself. I want to be productive, but I'm not so Then I tell them, okay, we have two sides now We have the productive you and we have the lazy you okay, and I never really liked that charm lazy Because it's it's automatically picking sides But what I tell them to do is okay, give each side here a name Give them like, you know, think about this lazy part of me and Does it have a kind of a? Look to it What kind of a name will be appropriate for that guy? And you know a person might say well, this is my inner slob I've used that term before this is my inner slob And I see that guy just sitting back on the couch and he's just eating pizza and watching TV And so there's the inner slob guy and then there's this who's this productive guy? Well, this productive guy is He's a machine. This this productive guy never stops. He's always on point and he's really really efficient So this is the machine versus the the lazy slob will say and Now what we're going to try and do is see see automatically we're going to identify with the machine Okay, now the problem is the more we identify with this one. We're actually strengthening this one That's another rule. One of the rules is they both hate each other. The other rule is The more I identify with one and building up the other one simultaneously both sides have to equate. It's like a Weighing scale that has to be perfectly balanced. You can't really be more with this one because They can't really be split that the shadow persona aspects of our psyche always have to equate, okay? So what if I have a big persona? I'm gonna have a big shadow So we give them little sort of names we see them as Subpersonalities that have their own sort of characteristics and now when it comes to decision-making say for instance I'm going to I'm going to get a piece of paper I'm gonna divide it down the middle because my mind my psyche is already split I may as well just acknowledge that and I'm going to sit right on one side lazy slob and the other side is the machine and I'm going to consult them both. I'm not going to pick favorites And I'm going to ask them both what they would like to do for the day or the week And you know the machine guy is going to be like we need to do this we need to do that We take care of this you don't have time to be lazy It's going to want to do a million things and the lazy part then We're going to give it an equal share here. It's I'm tired. I don't want to do any of this stuff It and you may notice that they actually start fighting. It may say that machine guy over there That machine guy is a bully and he never lets me relax But if he continues to ignore me, I'm going to I'm going to show him a thing or two and You know the machine guy is going to look back over and say this guy is pathetic. This guy is not going to help you I'm the only guy that's here to help you if you keep listening to him. He's going to drag us both down Are we seeing the conflict? Right, this is why we don't experience peace of mind. This is why our mind is so full of conflicted thoughts all the time so What we're trying to do is to and allow this sort of Dual conversation to go on within us and eventually get to the point Where they can both okay look if I refuse if I listen to both of these sides with openness without picking a favorite I'm going to sort of sit back and wait until they can both come together and reconcile And really that really comes through validation of both sides a Big mistake that we'll make here is is to throw the machine guy Under the bus that's a big mistake people make to okay the machine has been the protector for us in this So We validate the machine we validate that hyper productive drive that's there Yes, it's coming out of trauma. It's a result so that we don't feel shamed anymore, but it has protected us At least it's held out the promise of protecting this So we validate that and then we validate the other aspect the part that feels Overwhelmed or it feels like it can't go on or it just wants to rest and relax And the more you validate both of them and they both feel heard to be more willing than to cooperate And you'll come up with some sort of a more balanced Plan to move forward that would make a lot more sense. It's going to be a lot more Doable and there'll be no unconscious undermining of that plan because the lazy side of it has signed up on it So If you're experiencing if you're listening to me speak now and you have any resistance to what I've just said there Realize something you're probably identified strongly With the productive part of your psyche. Okay, the productive part has no time for laziness. It has zero tolerance for the lazy slob guy, okay relaxation and Unfortunately that is not going to work because unconsciously the the other aspect will undermine it So this whole process you could call it reconciliation. You could call it Just taking back allegiance to one side or the other and Over time what we'll find is our mind becomes less fragmented we're going to be less and less conflicted within ourselves and No matter what the original trauma was whether it be due to shaming about being lazy whether it be about Just being abandoned and not feeling safe in life. That's another great example right there. What happens when that happens? well One part of this is going to feel terrified and not safe And we can't go on with that in an environment in a dangerous environment So another part comes it becomes a protector and it may become very very hostile or aggressive externally So these two parts later in life then when we do get to realize and this is Unsustainable this aggressive part that I've identified with is taking over my life and it's beginning to get me into a lot of trouble, right? I'll secretly I'm feeling very insecure and afraid all the time We're going to have to reconcile those two parts We will be deeply identified with that protector. Okay, it becomes our identity. We become this sort of intimidating person So that's another example. There's many many different ways in which we We fracture ourselves Or we've been fractured to be honest because it's never the child's problem falls but this whole process of reconciliation is Something that requires it requires stillness and it requires an honest examination of How my behavior seems to be contradicting what I am consciously Stating I want in life So in that example of the person who's been aggressive then they even tell themselves regularly, okay at this point now I have to stop with this aggression. I have to really start now to Put that away But that aggressive part if that's been put into the shadow pattern out that will come out So that's because I'm now hating that part of myself and I've started to identify with the other part of me so This is the type of work that you'll find in inner child work a lot of this stuff comes out We're not even aware of it But I tell people if you want to know who you are if you want to know what your personality is Typically when you're starting off that journey, you're going to look inside yourself and you know, you're gonna find you're not going to find your personality you're going to find an Aspect of your personality one part of your personality that you're deeply identified with Okay, so the job is to identify. Well, what's the opposite of this part of myself and now we're getting somewhere What part of myself have I denied? That has led to me formulating and identifying with this One part of who I am of my personality So this is called shadow work Family systems therapy also has elements of this looks at the different ways that people fraction often and Take on roles given the circumstances that they find themselves under the adversity that they find themselves in and The thing about this type of work is that it is incredibly transformative and it is the quickest way to end inner conflict right it's very compassionate work and I have found that it's probably 10 times more powerful than than any sort of behavioral modification you can try to do or You know, even something like gratitude listing or anything on the positive side of things which I believe in and I think it has a time In a place this is much more transformative than that and it's a deeper level of work to do So really what you're looking for is where am I conflicted? Where am I at war with him? I said with myself internally and I mean the book I wrote on procrastination for instance really went off this entire model It was just entirely about that whole Conflict that comes around Identifying so heavily with the productive person. Okay. Well, what's over here that I've been ignoring. Oh shame Really deep shame and it's security and low self-esteem Maybe it came from trauma Maybe I need to reconcile these two parts of myself and watch what happens, you know It's very difficult to be in touch with your power the power of your own personality if you're split in half It's almost impossible So guys, I'm gonna leave it there for now But if you have any comments on that or you want to contact me, you can do do so below or through my website and Hope that was food for thought and I'll see you again soon. Take care