 You've burned so many bridges people people hate you And you're and you're struggling like I see like you're a good person If I just remove myself from that equation I can save myself from the pain that it's causing me the frustrations when you're nine years old and you start working Not just because oh, I love to do this into my passion and it's fun But out of necessity and out of survival you go into a state of fight-or-flight and I didn't realize that Most of my life I lived in fight-or-flight Making that internal boundary and no longer giving them access to that and knowing that There came a point in my career where I really did it and I did it myself. I Made it happen like let me have that I should have that Let me hold on to that and embrace that and be proud of that And then So at that time when you couldn't take it anymore and you took yourself to therapy to make all the changes What was happening in your personal life? What was happening in your career? What was happening in your body? Yeah, oh, what's crazy you say in your body? I so I got diagnosed with a type of disease That I was not aware of and it was really scary because it started to manifest very Chaotically in my body and we're talking everything from like crazy Inflammation in like my joints in my brain, which was also affecting my mental health Inflammation that was Causing like even my GI tract to go out of whack. So like the right side This is the turning point for me was the right side of my body Like felt like it was numb like it was just tingly and it like it was which is a sign for a heart attack now, right? I know all the time don't go on the Internet y'all something's happening. That's how y'all was like I was terrified and what was crazy was This is happening to me. I'm experiencing physical symptoms But then also I'm at a career high, but on a personal low I'm not happy with where my career is on how that looks on paper What was happening in your career at that time and my career at that time was like I want to say like I had some pretty poppin songs and like there was YouTubers making prank videos living in mansions and driving Bugatti's and I'm I'm still living in England like You know like I'm still I feel like I'm still struggling and so I was I was like I'm performing. I am I'm showing up at a hundred percent. I'm doing every single radio show you could think of doing all the promo and And I like now I'm so sick and I didn't know what was happening with my body That like I can't even perform anymore Like you can't afford not to perform, but I can't afford not to perform like if Becky wasn't on stage Who goes on stage, you know if Becky doesn't do the award show who's gonna do the award show performance So that I think for me was like just an immense amount of pressure That I was feeling at the time and so then when my body starts like I said kind of rejecting the commands Under, you know high stress situations. What does that mean like left leg move? And it's like no, no literally so like it was painful to hold my microphone up and And that's hard like I love what I do so much and So it was frustrating to be in such pain even before I walked on to a stage knowing like I Just got to psych myself out and give it everything I got and Hope that the adrenaline of it all gets me through but then that then it would and then the crash would be pretty severe And so I started suffering from extreme panic attacks And those were really really scary because I was convinced that I was gonna die like just about every single time And it would happen in spaces where I would start to then get really embarrassed because I'm on a flight and I'm already in my seat And then I just would feel like I couldn't breathe and even though you didn't enjoy living you did not want to die 100% so you're just in this weird in-between space like when we talk about the in-between you are in this limbo where you're like I know something's not right. I know it's not the worst But it is pretty bad so like my worst It's my worst right, but I'm always constantly going back to how we like to serve others and show up for others I'm constantly comparing my pain to the worst pain that exists on this planet You know what's insane. I'm thinking about list his near story because It's so much. I wouldn't even know where to begin So the work that you've done You've been able to get all the way You know those songs when you're a cam you're like there's a hole in the bottom of the scene Then there's a log on the hole Yeah bump on the log on a hole and a frog on the bump on the log on the hole like and then you have to get when you're All the way to the top to the the dolphin on the cloud on the toaster And then you're like you have to remember the hole or get back to the hole And so when you're at this place where your body is failing your romantic relationships are failing your Relationships around you you feel you don't have a safe space your arm Is falling off. Yeah, like you're melting Yeah, now you're at a place where you're like Here's where it started. Yeah. No, literally here's where it started and It's um, it's interesting because if you really take the time to get in tune with yourself Which I feel like I make such A better effort at today than I did then um it's that You will feel the signs You will see the signs I wasn't taking the time to To feel and I wasn't taking the time to really Acknowledge what was happening. And so I feel like that's what I mean My body was going haywire and rejecting the commands because it was like my literal nervous system was like you cannot And my thinking brain is like this is what we do. We're so good at it. Yeah and so um being around people like who you surround yourself with is going to be so important in that process because there will be people who Now that you're no longer serving them in the ways that benefit them might look at you differently or might Feel some type of way about that And I had to learn that's on them. That's not on me. My responsibility is to myself My responsibility is to honoring myself in this process Didn't matter how much makeup I wore didn't matter what kind of outfits I would put on my body I I still hated myself. So I think it was very superficial Um, you really hated yourself. Yeah, for sure