 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike LSMFT lucky strike means fine tobacco listen season after season I've seen the makers of lucky strike by fine mile ripe tobacco Henry L. Snell tobacco warehouse man said that at auctions for 19 years I've seen the makers of a lucky strike by fine good tasting tobacco John L. Cummins tobacco auctioneer said that Yes at market after market independent tobacco experts can see the makers of lucky strike Consistently select and buy that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco Remember LSMFT lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco lucky strike so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw The lucky strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Phil Harris Rochester Dennis Day and yours truly Don Wilson Ladies and gentlemen over these many years that I've been introducing our scintillating star My one regret has been that I'm not a poet for if I were I would paint a word picture with colorful phrases What a beautiful thought down. I can just imagine you a poet Henry Wadsworth fat fellow Continue down. However, you don't have to be a Shelly or a Keats to I'll get it down Hello. Oh, mr. Benny. That's Rochester Rochester you certainly picked a fine time to call. Why aren't you listening to the program? That's why I call boss There's something wrong with the radio. Oh, maybe there's a break in the electric cord You know the one that runs from the radio to where we've got it plugged in I thought of that boss. So I traced it I started at the radio went around the baseboard up to the windowsill out the window across the driveway Through the hedge and right to the plug on mr. Coleman's backboard. Hey, Rochester. I hope nobody saw you Well, just as I reached the porch Mrs. Coleman came out. So I duck behind the hedge and meow like a cat Did you fool her? I think so she left two sauces of milk To yeah, one had a note on it. This one's for mr. Benny. I'll have it when I get home Anyway, Rochester if the cord is plugged in right, maybe there's something wrong with the radio itself Did you check the tubes? Mm-hmm the condenser? Mm-hmm the transformer? The dial boss. I even put new rain in the magic eye Well, I've got an idea Rochester I'll leave the receiver off the hook and you'll be able to hear the whole show over the telephone. Yes, okay, Don Let's get on with the program ladies and gentlemen as I was saying even though I'm not a poet today I'd like to introduce our star with a little poem a poem. Yes to Jack Benny. I love my boss But he's so cheap. He only spends a slow buck slow buck. His suits are from Montgomery Ward his hair from Sears and robot And here he is Jack Benny Talking hmm hair from Sears and robot Don I can write poetry true as a matter of fact. I have one about you about me Yes Reynolds flew around the world in a plane that was made to order But if he tried to fly around you he wouldn't get south of the border Jackson your name may not be John Greenleaf, but you're much wittier Yes, sir. Oh Jack, how can you compare flying around the world with me? I'm not so fat You're not a done. There's a three-hour difference in time between your belt buckle and back pocket Next week it'll be four hours. Hey Jackson if you really want to wait a minute. I want to see what Rochester thought of that joke. Hello Hello, hello Rochester hello, hello, Rochester. I just told a joke. Where were you? I had to answer the door the man from the cleaners was here. Oh, what did he want? He found a 50 cent piece on the floor and he wanted if it came out of your suit I told him it wasn't yours Rochester what makes you so sure it didn't fall out of my suit. Oh, oh Send a suit to the cleaners you loosen the lining finger the cuffs turn all the pockets inside out And then run the lip through the sieve three times Stop making things up. And if you want to hear the program you better stay at the phone Yes, and by the way, the mailman was here and just left with package a package from Sears and Roebuck You can be a blonde again, but good. That's the one that makes me look like Nelson Eddie Now I've got to get on with the show so don't hang up now Phil. What were you talking about? Well, I was just gonna say Jackson if you want to get some class on the program How about doing something different something entertaining like well well like letting Livy and me sing a song together? Hey, that sounds like a pretty good idea. You'll sing with Phil. Won't you marry? No, thanks. I sang with Phil before what about it? I didn't mind him singing about turnip greens, but he kept time by hitting me on the head with a ham-hawk All right, Livy. All right, so if that's the way you want to feel about it Don't sing with me. I just thought it would be nice to have a trio Trio you and Mary would make a nice trio. Yeah, look Phil. Let me explain something to you One is a solo two is a duet now if you add a third person, you've got a trio Oh, and if you add a fourth person you have a quartet. Uh-huh now Phil if you had four people and you found a fifth What would you have? Throw me that lead again, will you? All right, if you had four people And you found a fifth What would you have a quintet of food you that time didn't I say? Well, that's right. If you had a fifth you'd have a quintet. Yeah, but they'd all be loaded I know I'm here for now wanting to sing with them. Phil knows absolutely nothing about music I do too. Phil what you know about music you could write on an ice cube with a branding iron Believe me What are you laughing at Mary did you see the way that your ranger has to write the music so phil can read it No, how an eighth note is a diamond a quarter note is a heart a half note a club and a whole note is paid Phil you have your music written out in diamonds hearts clubs in space certainly How do you read it? Well, it's simple. Look here. I'll show you now. Look at this sheet of music see That makes no sense at all to me sure it does jackson take this bar for instance Now you see those notes right here one right after the other Oh, you mean the scale scale. What's that? What's that phil? What do you call this? That's a flush A flush. Well, look phil. What about this next bar? It has two notes then a space and then two more notes That's an inside straight An inside straight you mean you draw to it if you play a violin if you play a trumpet you blow to it Mary stop helping us Phil if you want to play your music by cards, that's all right with me But what's this king doing here? That's patrello I should have known all right. All right. We've had enough of that. It's time for a song Dennis Dennis Dennis what are you yawning about? I didn't get any sleep last night. My mother and father had a big argument An argument. Yeah, it was all about you. My mother said you were a jerk Then my father got up and said you were a great guy and a fine example of a man Your father said that may he rest in peace Now stop being silly your father sitting right out here in the audience. Yeah, doesn't he look awful Cut that out. How does your mother dislike jack so much? Well, she used to go with mr. Benny before she met my father She did not she said she did What was your mother's name before she married your father? I didn't know her then Of course you didn't Now come on kid, let's have your song okay and face the telephone so rochester can hear it Who's needs a hat rack? I can't understand why that didn't get a laugh norman crassnell liked it That was dentist a singing his latest victor recording Matt you can get killed around here It was dentist a singing his latest victor recording ma'am's l And now ladies and gentlemen everything falls down on us. No rehearsals anything happens Ladies and gentlemen for our feature attraction tonight We're going to present our version of the universal international picture based on betty mcdonnell's bestseller The egg and I In our interpretation you can't do the egg and I fred allen did it last week I heard it don but this won't conflict with the way allen did it See we're going to do a comedy version Folks in our play tonight I will be fred McMurray and mary livingston will be claudette colbert What part am I going to play jack? Well don the scene takes place on a farm So you can play the part of our pig every time you do a farm sketch. I play the part of a pig I want to do something else. Well, what would you like to be don a canary? Don you a canary? Well, that's not so bad. All right, don you can be the canary but in order for people to believe it Do you happen to have a yellow suit yellow suit? No, no, I haven't oh Well, why don't you step out in the street and put on a taxi cab? And now for oh, wait a minute before we start I want to go to the telephone see if rochester's enjoying the show Hello Hello, I want you to hear it. Now ladies and gentlemen the egg and I As the scene opens we find the newlyweds claudette and fred driving out to their new home I hope you like the new farmhouse. I bought. Oh, I know. I will mr. McMurray Oh, you can call me fred. We've been married a week now Remember after the preacher said I pronounced you man and wife. We turned to each other and shook hands. Oh, yeah I was not nervous. You were too. You put the ring on the preacher's finger and gave me ten dollars Ten dollars gee I was nervous anyway Sure was a wonderful wedding all our friends were there the music played softly And we made a lovely looking couple as we marched down the aisle Yes, but don't you think it would look nicer if I had carried the flowers? They were bluebells they went so well with my eyes But darling wasn't it exciting as we drove away from the church with those shoes tied in back of the car Yeah I wonder what made them bounce like that. My mother was still in them I cut her loose when we went through anaheim They can always use another smudge pop there Look darling, there's our new home Gee it sure looks run down Yeah, but we'll fix it up. There's the man from the real estate office. Oh, mr Mr. Yes I I just bought this house. You're the man from the real estate office, aren't you? Yes. Nelson's the name I'm here to show you around. Gee. What a peculiar style of architecture this house has. It's not french normandy Is it early american? No crummy colonial Let's go inside Come on, honey. All right. I'm talking to my wife Oh, now follow me Here's the front door a few quarts of oil or fix that Uh, come on fred. Let's go in. Just follow me folks. I'll show you through the house This is the living room This is the dining room And this is the bedroom Gee And mr. Nelson does the bathroom have a tile floor shall we go out and see The kitchen a right through this door There isn't it a beauty. It looks very old and awfully dirty. Oh, that's just a little dust. I'll blow it off Mr. Have you tried stensen? Gee this this place does look run down. Yes, but with a little work. You can make it look like a million dollars Whoops. Well, it's getting kind of late. I better go. Goodbye. Mr. Nelson. Goodbye. Goodbye. Mr. Nelson Mr. Nelson. Oh you nobody wants me to have any fun. Goodbye Well, darling Here we are in our own little home Hey, we better start getting to sleep On a farm you have to get up at four in the morning. You're right sweetheart. Good night Good night. Good night. Get out of here You're snoring Well, you hurry and get breakfast ready. I'll go out and milk the cows. It's a good thing I slept in my clothes My it's pitch dark this early in the morning. Now. Where's that milking pail? Ah, here it is Easy bossy easy That's a good girl bossy Easy bossy easy Gee I can't seem to find uh-oh wrong end Easy bossy easy Our bossy now hold still while I fix the pail and stool There That's a good girl Oh, la la la Hmm better change. I'm not but I think the cow is Look, I just found it. It's a black kitten with a white stripe down its back Well shucks if that isn't the cutest little Kitty have you tried sen-sen? Claudette don't stand around. We've got to feed the animals. Okay red isn't it cute the way our canary follows us around Yeah, our shoe canary shoe shoe. We got to feed the chickens. Here chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick Come on chick chick chick chick. Here's some corn for you sitting on the nest. Where? Oh, yes. Well, I better get some uh oats for the horse hay for the cow and We've gotten suspicious when he bent the bars in his cage Uh, claudette A claudette maybe the canary is hungry. He can't be a little while ago. I gave him a side of beef I'll give him the other side Now let's get on with the oh look here comes someone Hello, howdy neighbors howdy. Zeke cares as my name live right over the hill from you Well, do you have a farm over there? Yep. I raise a little of this a little that mostly corn Are your pigs nope from a still you you have a still. Yes, sir. She'll make 20 gallon a day 20 gallons a day that isn't mind paint bad. My old lady don't drink How long you've been living around this section? Well, let me see here. I moved here 1918. It's 1947. That's uh 15 years Wait a minute Zeke from 1918 to now is 29 years. You've lived here. Well, we don't count the 14 years of prohibition as little I've got any children. Yeah, I forgot two sons, but we ain't seen them since they run away with the circus That was 10 years ago sure miss the bar Ain't likely they're sigmes twin Oh sigmes twins they yep, they're pretty attached to each other Oh Zeke if you just had a partner you'd be another one of them lumb and abner By the way, is that field over there part of your farm? Yep, that's a place where I raise the tobacco That's my hired hands out there picking it. Where right over there Rubin rubin, we've been thinking what a sad world this would be if we had no Benny Crabill and no ls m It raised in those tobacco's lucky strike for eppy boon and speedy rinks Well once they went down to the city just to see a burly cue They came back and brought a sample round and firm with eyes of blue Rubin rubin, we're not joking banks. No difference where we roam We would always keep unspoken luck. He's till the cows come home That's where they sing all the time. Hi, your kettle is the name live right down the road Which house no house just down the road Yep, she's married to paul kettle the laziest man in the state He's the laziest man in the world One day he sat on an acorn 20 years later. We had to shake him out of the tree No kidding. Well, why do you know here comes paul kettle the lazy critter now Name is denis that folks call him paul. Howdy paul. Hi, Zeke. Hi folks. I put your arms around me and squeeze me. I feel like exhaling There that feels better any place to lie down around here. Oh paul stand up for a while By the way, what are you folks figuring on raising here? Chickens Oh wouldn't try it if I were you tried to raise some myself a few years ago never had any luck What happened bought 10 hens and laid a lot of eggs, but none of them never did hash Now how many roosters did you have? Oh roosters I guess I'd better be going along now. I gotta go home and help my pig write a letter. Your pig writes a letter Yeah, I just tell him how to spell and he already has the pen and oink Be a hig but why don't you finish too lazy Well, look my wife and I are just going in to have breakfast Why don't you folks come in and join us? That's okay with me. Me too. Pick me up, ma Well, come on. Let's all go in and hey, wait a minute. What happened to zeke. We're zeke harris. Oh, he had to run along He's got his own show What I can stay till wednesday As you listen to the chant of the tobacco auctioneer remember lsmft Hey Lucky strike means fine tobacco and in a cigarette It's the tobacco that counts mr. Porter g wall senior of pilot mountain north carolina has been an independent tobacco buyer for 29 years And he said I've seen plenty of good fine tobacco bought by the makers of lucky strike at auction after auction Tobacco that's really fine for 14 years now. I've smoked luckiest myself Quote I've seen plenty of good fine tobacco bought by the makers of lucky strike on quote Remember independent tobacco experts like mr. Wall can see the makers of lucky strike Consistently select and buy that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco fine light naturally mild tobacco lsmft Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes lsmft Lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you So smoke that smoke a fine tobacco lucky strike So round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw This is nbc the national broadcasting company