 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Stryke. ... Friends, for your own real deep-down enjoyment of smoking, it's important to know there's never a rough puff in a lucky. Every puff of the way, there's mildness, smoothness, and melanness. For today, tomorrow, always, LS, MFT. Lucky Stryke means fine tobacco. tobacco that's light and mellow, ripened to the peak of smoking perfection. Yes, at auction after auction, the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. So for your complete enjoyment of smoking, for more pleasure from every puff, every pack, light up a Lucky. You'll enjoy the rich taste of really fine tobacco, and you'll agree there's never a rough puff in a Lucky. Next time you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, the sportsman, Quartet, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, at the end of every Lucky Strike program, Jack and the cast go through a little ritual. So let's go back to last Sunday, immediately after the show, and watch what happens. OK, that's all. That's all. We're off the air. Close the curtain. Gee, that was a great show, Jack. Yes, Jack, I think that's one of the best programs you ever did. Boy, you sure got a lot of laughs, Mr. Benny. Jackson, you were sensational today. Thanks, fellas. OK, kids, one, two. For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow. Oh, thanks, thanks. And fellas, did you notice the way? All right, Jack, we said you were great. We sang the song. Now give us our checks and let us go. OK, OK, and kids, I want to compliment you on the show today. Nobody made a mistake. It's a good thing we didn't. Last week, the quartet made a little mistake and you locked them in the closet and made them sing the commercial 500 times. Well, at least. Come on, give us our checks. OK, here's yours, Mary. Thanks. Don. Thanks. Dennis. Thanks. And Phil, I'm happy that this week I don't have to pay you in cash. I can give you a check like the others. Yeah, it took me a long time, but I finally learned how to endorse them. Who showed you how, Phil? What? Who showed you how? Remly, he's great on checks. He can sign anybody's name. But Phil, Phil, that's forgery. Oh, Jackson, forgery is such a hard word. We call it playful penmanship. Oh, fine. Anyway, Phil, I hope you're saving your money. I buy annuities with my paychecks. Well, that's very smart of you, Dennis. I know. With those annuities, I can retire on an income of $1,000 a month. No kidding. Yeah, they start paying off under 120. 120? Oh, that's good, Dennis. The money will come in just when you need it. Yeah, I'll probably only have one show then. Well, of all the sildenny, that's ridiculous. Nobody lives to be 120. Hey, Jackson. Huh? Throw me that lead again. I got an answer that'll make CBS buy me. Phil, forget it. As long as Rexall pays you and Bromo, sir, you're happy. Believe me. Yeah, I wish I could go home now. What? I wish I could go home. Well, why can't you, Dennis? My parents did it again. Did what? Moved away without telling me. Oh, well, you'll find them. You always do. Jack, I think I'll be running along, too. Oh, Mary, I wanted to ask you, if you have nothing to do tomorrow night, would you like to come over to my house and watch some television? Oh, I'd love to, Jack, but that's the night that all the girls I used to work with hold their annual reunion. Oh, yes, you have that reunion every year. What does that you girls call yourself? The Mary Mades of the May Company. Ah, well, I hope you enjoy yourself. Oh, I always do have a good time there. And I'll get to see my old girlfriend, Ruby Wagner, again. Gosh, how I envy her. Why? What's she doing now? She's still at the May Company. Look, Mary, if you'd rather be back at the May Company, then you could... Oh, Jack, I didn't mean that. I meant that I envy Ruby because one day a customer came over to her counter. They fell in love, got married, and now they have 12 children. She married a customer and has 12 children? Just think. He came in to spend 89 cents, and look what he got. Yeah, well, Mary, everyone is gone. Come on, let's go out of the studio. They're putting out the lights. You know, that's really an amazing story about your girlfriend, Ruby. It doesn't seem possible. Uh-oh. What's the matter, Jack? I forgot something. Wait here, Mary. I'll be right back. Yeah, I wish they weren't so quick about turning off these lights. Now, let's see. Which door is it? Oh, here it is. Okay, fellas, you can come out of the closet now. Fellas, you've been punished enough for what you've done. Boys, you've sung it more than 500... Oh, my good. It must have affected their minds. I'm going. Holy smoke, they're following me. Fellas, stop following me. It's embarrassing. Wait a minute, fellas. Cut it out, will you? Wait a minute, boys. Wait a minute. Now, boys, don't follow me anymore. Go on home. Your wives haven't seen you for a week. I'd fire those guys, but I'd only have to get them another job. I'm their agent. And they're such good, they're such good clients. They think because they're a quartet, they have to pay me 40%. Come on, Mary. Uh, won't you forget, Jack? Always nothing, come on. Well, there's Rochester waiting in my car. Mary, I'll drive you home. Oh, Jack, I don't want to go home yet. I'd like to have dinner in town. You would? Yeah, I'm in the mood for a nice big steak. Smothered with mushrooms and fresh fried onions? Yeah. How about the brown derby? Oh, wonderful. Okay, I'll drop you off. Now, come on, let's... Oh, gee, I forgot my umbrella in the start of the rain. It isn't raining. I spit in your eye. Mary, oh, I... Oh, goodbye, Jack. I'll see you later. But, Mary, you don't have... I guess he's so hungry she couldn't wait. Ready for me to drive you home, boss? Yes, Rochester. What are you sitting there holding that wisp room for? As soon as you get in the car, I'll brush you off. Brush me off? Yeah! The doors are stuck. You'll have to crawl up underneath. That's ridiculous. For the doors are stuck, I'll just climb over. I got one leg over. Gee, these doors are higher than I thought. Now to get the other... Are you in, boss? Yeah. Gee, these seats are cold. Let's start the car, Rochester. Yes, sir. I'm sick and tired of this. You know, Rochester, I got a good mind to complain to the Cadillac Company. The Cadillac Company? Yes. Boss, we only got one of the hubcaps from them. Get up at the scene of an accident. Rochester, I didn't steal that hubcap. No, but I'll never forget how you dick it with that man in the ambulance. All right, now try that motor again. Yes, sir. Rochester, where did we get this motor? Broadway at 9th. Eastern Columbia? No, bro. Rochester, try and get this car started, will ya? For a change, go out of Hollywood Boulevard. Yes, sir. You know, this is one of the first nights this week that the weather's been so mild. What was that? Son of a police whistle. Rochester. Rochester, you see that? Two men just ran out of that bank. They jumped in that big black sedan and they're speeding away. Yeah. They must be going 80 miles an hour. And look at that policeman. He's running towards us. What is it, officer? Quick, follow that car. Officer, come! Officer of the law, when I jump on your running board and say follow that car, I want you to do it. Well, then get your other foot off the ground. You're holding his bag. Stop wasting time and do as I... Cut! Cut? Who said that? I did. We're making a picture here on Hollywood Boulevard. A picture? Oh, for heaven's sake. What's the name of it? The whistle blows at midnight. Rochester, let's get out of here. I don't want to be even an extra in this one. Step on it. I want to get home and have dinner. Well, that was a very good dinner, Rochester. Thanks, boss. Dinner, a messenger brought this to the door. What is it? Here you are. Oh, yes. It's a record that Dennis made of that new song, Vividy Babity Boo, from Walt Disney's picture, Cinderella. You want me to hear it? I'm going in the den, Rochester, and play it. Shall I break a tooth big in half? No, I bought some needles. I've got a lovely bunch of coutnets. See, that song, I don't understand at all. At least Vividy Babity Boo makes sense. I bet Dennis made a good record of it. Coutnets. Whoops! Wrong side. Oh, here it is, Vividy Babity Boo. If your mind is in a dither and your heart is in a haze, I'll haze your dither and dither your haze with a magic craze. If you're chased around by trouble and you're followed by a jinx, I'll jinx your trouble and trouble your jinx in less than 40 winks. Salagadoola, Menchagaboola, Vividy Babity Boo. Put them together in water. Salagadoola, Menchagaboola, Vividy Babity Boo. It'll do magic, believe it or not, Menchagaboola-roo. But the thingamabob that does the job is Vividy Babity Boo. Salagadoola, Menchagaboola, Vividy Babity Boo. The thingamabob that does the job is Vividy Babity Boo. Salagadoola, Menchagaboola, Vividy Babity Boo. Put them together in water. Hey, Dennis did that very well. Did you hear it, Rochester? Yes, sir. Are you going to bed now, boys? No, no. I think I'll stay up a while and read a book. Now, let's see. I finished Cleveland Amory's new book, Hometown. Very good, too. Here's one. My Ten Years in Washington by Drear Poulson. Well, I'll be darned, there is a Drear Poulson. Yeah, I hope Don doesn't find out. Say, here's a good mystery. I was betrayed by Maximilian Q. Langley, author of I Was Framed, I Was Deceived, I Was Double-Crossed, and I Was Loused Up. Gee, he certainly gets some great titles. I think I'll read this one. I'll sit in that chair by the window. Ah, whoops. This seat is cold, too. Yeah, this story ought to be pretty good. I was betrayed. The Snison Holder. Was betrayed. Lovely children. Hogan and Snead. My assistant, Dr. Dennis Daiseldorf, as I was about to start the operation, the patient looked at me and nervously asked, Dr. Snison Holder, are you sure this operation won't hurt? Hurt? What? No. No, not at all. I'm so sensitive. You, you, it might a little. Dr. Daiseldorf. You have all, Dr. Snison Holder? Dr. Hand me the scalpel. The scalpel? What's that? The scalpel. It's a knife with a long curved blade. Oh, that, that's in the kitchen there. I made myself a sandwich and used it to slice the shalami. I'll wash it off and bring it in. Yes, sir, doctor. Here you are, Dr. Snison Holder. What's that? You told me to wash it off and bring it in. The scalpel, not the salami. Stupid doctor. Hand me my rubber gloves. My goodness, Dr. Snison Holder. You're awfully nervous today. Why shouldn't I be? I'm about to perform a very delicate operation that has never been attempted before. All medical sciences are waiting the result. And this patient has volunteered. Oh, doctor, what are you going to do? I'm going to separate his bibbidi from his bobbidi. What do you think of that? Oh. Wonderful. We'll call this operation bibbidi bobbidi boo. Let's turn them over and see what's on the other side. There were five applicants for the job. Lovely slim legs. I stared at her for five minutes. I saw that she was pretty, too. Well, doc, we'll talk as soon as you get through looking. Oh, pardon me. I was just thinking about something. Tell me, Miss Lamar. Tell me, Miss Lamar, do you have any experience? Well, me, doc. Closer. Now put your arms around me and kiss me. Do I get the job, doc? Well, I wanted a nurse, but you'll do it. When can you come to work? I've already started. And the way she clenched her little fist when she slugged the rats and my sterilizers. I hope we're gone. Well, baby, this is where I live. We can stand here in the hall and talk. Ginger, darling, at last we're alone. At last I can tell you... Who's that down there? It's me, Ma, Ginger. Did you bring the sternum? Darling, I want to tell you how... You hide your old lady, get up here with that sternum! That was mother and dad. They sound like real folks. Oh, Ginger, if we could only get married, I could do so much for your parents. Take out their appendix or their tonsils or something. That's a trouble, Snisey. You're already married. Yeah. And what about your two lovely children, Kramer and Gonzalez? That's Hogan and Snead. Ginger, what do you want me to do? Well, if you want me, Snisey, you're going to have to ask your wife for a divorce. A divorce? You and Cindy would have to understand. That night, as we sat at the dinner... Cindy Lou, I know this will be a blow to you. Rather than make you unhappy, I cut off my arm. Cindy, Cindy, I'm trying to tell you I'm in love with another woman. I'm asking you for a divorce. Well, darling, if you want a divorce, you can have one. I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. Now, now, don't go to pieces, Cindy. Try to understand. But I do understand, darling, and I'll explain it to our two children, DiMaggio and Greenberg. That's Hogan and Snead. Cindy, are you going to give me a divorce or not? I told you, yes. Please, please, Cindy, let's not argue. Be reasonable. She came back to see Ginger. She was at the office waiting for me. Instead of a nurse's uniform, she was wearing a French bathing suit. It wasn't conventional, but I did more business than South Pacific. Eight times. She came back, so I put a swinging door on his right side. Dr. Dazeldorf. Oh, Dr. Dazeldorf. Did you bunt me? Darling, I missed him. It's all right, Snisie. I told him all about us. Oh, then Dr. Dazeldorf, you know that I'm going to leave my wife. Oh, yeah, yeah, but what about your two lovely children, Taft and Hartley? That's Hogan and Snead. Ginger, I can hardly wait for the day when I can call you mine, and we'll be together always. Have you told your wife? I tried to, but she took it so hard I'll try again tonight. A street ran to the curb, jumped down into my new Hudson and drove home to the house. Cindy was sitting and tell she was lonely because she had blown up my rubber glove and was shaking hands with them. Cindy, I'm back. Huh? Oh, there you are. Yes, and stop pointing my finger at me. Cindy, Cindy, this can't go on any longer. I'm in love with another woman, and I want my freedom. For goodness' sake, I told you last night that I'm in love with another woman. Yes, and you can have the two children, citation and coal town. That's Hogan and Snead. Why can't you remember? The street ran to the curb, jumped down into my... Oh, sweetheart, kiss me again and again and again. Three more kisses? Ah, to leave her. Put me down already. Cindy, Hogan and Snead was a cheat. I opened the door and walked in. Doctor's back and he's got a gun. Hello, Cindy. I've come home. Home to stay. Oh, oh, oh, it's you, Meredith. I didn't expect you so soon. Cindy, why are you acting so nervous? So strange. Me strange? Oh, I'm... Well, I'm not nervous. Cindy, you're hiding something from me. Is there another man? No, no, nobody. Then why are you standing in front of that closet door? I'm going to... No, no, Meredith, please! Get away, I said. I'm going to open that door. A blinding ray swept over me. I saw red. Get out of here. Your show's not until 8.30. Now, 9 o'clock on the Pacific Coast. What? Not only that, I'm making a picture on Hollywood Boulevard with Hogan and Snead. Huh? Rochester. Rochester. You fell asleep while you were reading that book. Oh, gee, I had the craziest dream. What were you doing? I had the radio on, listening to Red Skelton. Oh, well, that explains it. Good night, Rochester. I'm going to bed. Just a moment, but first... Six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. It's all American. Lucky's are smoother. Lucky's are milder. Try them, and you'll see. There's never a rough puff in a lucky, just the real deep down smoking enjoyment, the mellow smoothness that only lucky's find tobacco can give you. Yes, it takes find tobacco to make a fine cigarette, and L-S-M-F-T, lucky strike means find tobacco. tobacco, tobacco that's ripe and light, that's smoked smooth and mild. For at market after market, the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy this kind of tobacco for your cigarette. Just listen for a moment to what an expert says about the tobacco he's seen Lucky Strike buy. Mr. Ed Rogers, an independent tobacco auctioneer from Reedsville, North Carolina, recently said, Wherever I've auctioned, I've seen Lucky Strike buy ripe, smooth tobacco that shows the sunshine, the kind that's hard to beat for smoking quality. I've smoked Lucky's for 12 years. So take a tip from an expert and for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, light up a Lucky. Every puff of the way you'll see there's never a rough puff in a Lucky. Next time ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Thanks, Red. Good night, everybody. Be sure to hear Dennis Day in a day in the life of Dr. Desildoise. Stay tuned for Amos and Andy, which follows immediately. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.