 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. As-salam alaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Ddiar-respected viewers, brothers and sisters. Welcome back to another episode of Live in London with our esteemed and respected guest Dr Saeed Amman Akshwani. Tonight's topic and the forthcoming night's topics will be on the issues of spouse selection and marriage, inshallah. Before we begin the show, we'd firstly like to send our heartfelt condolences to the people of Bathlona who have lost family members, friends, loved ones in the truly sickening and heinous and horrendous attacks that have taken place recently. Now, Saeedna, as-salam alaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh. When looking into the topic of marriage to see what value it holds within the religion of Islam, I came across a narration from our Holy Prophet, where he said, When the servant gets married, he has completed half of his faith, so let him be careful of his duty to Allah in the remaining half. Now seeing that marriage is half of someone's faith and is so sacred in Islam, yet today we hear of difficulties that people go through to get married and it makes me think to myself if we should have to rethink our understanding of the marriage world. Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim, no doubt this topic more than any other topic is the one that we get asked the most questions about because the union that is the marital union does not just affect the Muslim world, it affects millions of people around the world, people of different backgrounds and people of different religions and that's why you find each and every religion in the world today tries somehow to provide guidance for its followers in terms of the marital relationship. I'm not surprised that there are people who are tested in their marriages. The reality is if you look at the philosophy of the life of the human being, we're going to be tested one way or another with our health or with our education or with the family structure, be it in our marriages, be it with our relatives, be it with our children. This is a law which one can find within a number of verses in the Holy Quran and if you look at the lives of the greatest messengers of God and the greatest prophets of God, you'll find that they were all tested in their marriages and in some cases were on the brink of divorce. So if you're looking in the Holy Quran, it's unbelievable the number of tests the prophets of God go through in their own marital relationships, prophet Lot, prophet Noah, prophet Abraham with Sarah and Hajar and the Holy Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him and his family, if you were to read in particular chapter 33 of the Holy Quran and chapter 66, the chapters known as Ahzab and Tahreem, you'll find that both of them have a discussion on the tests that are taking place even in the marriage of the prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him and his family. As in you would think that if we go through a test in our own marriages, you'd think okay, well the prophet Muhammad or for example the family of the prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, they didn't go through any tests. Imam Al-Hassan, the grandson of the prophet, went through a test in his marriage. Imam Al-Jawad, who we'll remember in a few days, went through a test in his marriage. So tests in one's marital life are part and parcel of the trends that we've seen in human history and in sacred religious history as well. However, I find that there are certain areas in relation to marriage which have not been discussed properly, have not been discussed openly. There are certain cultural practices that have outweighed the open-mindedness of religion. There are certain principles of our cultures from the Middle East that seemingly are outweighing the success and the want of success for our children or our siblings' marital lives. You have a generation, I would call the 17-year-old generation from the year 2000 till the year 2017 who've had to face not just finding ways of getting married, but what's acceptable according to religion, what's acceptable according to culture, how do you get to know somebody if you want to get married, what did the parents see as taboo which is allowed now, what do our parents frown upon which society actually finds normal now. There's so many things which are affecting the future success of a marriage and sometimes turning a blind eye to these issues sadly will result in more and more unhappiness in marriages. I find it wonderful that there are now more marriage courses, you know, 17 years ago when I was thinking of getting married, I remember at that time there was no such thing as you're going to have a marriage course about are you sure you're ready for marriage, do you know the rights of the wife, the rights of the husband, do you know your duties, do you know religiously what's meant to be done, do you know what culturally is stipulated but what religiously is allowed, there were no discussions on these things. It's only recently that you found that these discussions have increased. So there's so many issues which I would say in the last 15, 20 years have come to the fore which we need to openly discuss because I'm sure there are people who are watching this who are married, there are others who are watching this who may be divorced, there are others who are watching this while thinking of getting married and so I think what we're going to shed light on today and inshallah on Monday's show hopefully will have a great effect on, you know, people's future prospects as well as decision making. Inshallah. So going on from your point about the 17 year olds as an example, obviously in Islam we hear at least I do from my parents it's good to get married young when you're going to get married especially if we have older siblings or older family members who've been married and you're next in line as it were. Islam obviously teaches us to get married young whether it's to hold those urges at bay or for other reasons but I feel like it's, a lot of people feel like it's impractical in today's society, you know, what's 16 year old, what's 17 year olds going to be able to afford to pay rent on a house or a flat of some sort and I was wondering if there was other factors that come into play apart from age like do you have to be psychologically ready for marriage or are there different things maybe you could shed some light on that. Well I think naturally you've got to be psychologically ready and I think you need to definitely ask yourself what's the reason that I want to get married. There are people out there whose main reason they want to get married are their sexual urges. You know the person has reached a level where he cannot control those urges anymore or they cannot control those urges anymore and so purely their intention for getting married is sexual. Their intention is that I'm going to get married, I'm going to fulfil my sexual desires but there's a problem there and the problem is okay once you fulfil those sexual desires, now what's the rest of the marital relationship. If your aim was purely that I'm someone who has these sexual desires and therefore I need to fulfil them but now that I fulfil them well what else is there, what do I do then that is not going to be psychologically someone who's ready. You find that there are others who may want to get married because of peer pressure as in they look around and they see their friends are getting married and so they're thinking well you know what I'm the only one who's not married. My friends this one got married at 21, that one got married at 22, this one got married at 24 and I'm the only one who's not got married so what then they do is they decide to get married because it's a source of pride. It's not that I'm entering a marriage because I sincerely believe that this person is someone there's a clique with, okay I look I see there might be a sort of attraction, who knows if I'm going to get married to someone after this who knows if I will find anyone who and so on. These types of people psychologically while some of the things that we are discussing may be factors but they shouldn't be the most important factors when a person wants to get married. When you see some of the divorces that are taking place it's because the intention of the person who was entering that relationship was an intention of well there are my peers who are getting married or I'm sexually frustrated and therefore marriage and then a few months later that person just wants to go back to their lifestyle because that lifestyle change is going to be something fundamental as well. Yes you can tell a person get married young but that person has to realize that now you're sharing a vision, you're sharing a future, you're sharing goals no longer the world is a world of I, the world is a world of we now and therefore you have to begin to contemplate that there are certain things which you are able to do which you're not necessarily going to be able to do now. I remember reciting a wedding ceremony a few days ago and I turn around to the groom and I said to him do you actually know what you're reciting in the Arabic language or no? You're now signing your life away and now you've got to be ready to watch every chick flick that's out there. You've got to be texting home all the time saying what time you're coming back and you've got to be ready to hear a few lectures at home and you know the people started laughing but the reality is that a person who thinks that I'm just going to get married and I can still live a single type life as a married person it doesn't work like that. And so I think while there are many recommendations today for our youth to get married young I think they have to ask themselves a sincere question and that is am I getting married because I truly believe that I'll be able to build a future and a life with the person I'm getting married to or is it more of a case of you know what let's just take this box see what happens well you know what I don't feel like I want to move on. That type of discussion is fundamental however I will not generalize and say that everybody out there may not psychologically be ready. No on the contrary if there are amongst our teenagers amongst our youths those who may for example be at university. Let's say they're at university they're studying at university or someone who has a job in a certain firm or business at the age of 1920. You'll find some of the committee will say that is way too young but if that person is now standing on their own two feet they live a disciplined life. They're ready to take on the responsibility of somebody else in their life who they'll grow with then why not. It does not necessarily mean that we have to follow the classic system which is that okay you get married couple months later you get engaged couple months later you have to get married. No why not in that period for example if they are students at university why not develop together at university if you're a first or second year student at university. And there's someone at university who you get on with why not develop with that person grow with that person at university. You could be engaged to each other in that university period. And then when you graduate both of you could get married this classic mentality that was there. I would say up to 15 20 years back where it was a case of well you know what you have to finish your studies you have to get a degree. In my opinion was not very healthy why because too much pressure was being put on these youths in the Muslim community. You have to stay religious. You have to stay obedient. You have to stay this very moral person. But when you want to get married we're more concerned about your degree in your bank balance. Now if you could see that this person has tried their hardest to stay on the path all this period. The parents should try and make an effort to help them in that first period. And that's why in the aced in the nikah ceremony which you see recited in many places. You know it's a ceremony and the wording is from the khotba from Imam Al Jawad. The verse which is used in a Muslim wedding ceremony is very interesting. Chapter 24 verse 32 of the Holy Qur'an. Marry off those who are single from amongst you. It's an order from Allah swt. If they are poor Allah will make them rich. There are youths in our communities who could have got married at a young age. There are youths in our communities who deserve to get married at a young age. But sometimes the father-in-law or prospective father-in-law's mentality was what? Was was your bank statement? You want this person to actually build a life with your daughter or you've come to interrogate them. They're not your child. You could look after your daughter. This person who's come has come with sincere intentions. You'll find the father-in-law's bank statement. Show me the bank statement. Show me the properties that you own. You, o father-in-law, if you look at yourself in the mirror 25-30 years ago, you own everything that you own now? Or did you start from scratch? It's a big problem when father-in-laws or mother-in-laws are more concerned naturally a person should be concerned about the security of their children's futures. But it's a big problem when our only concern is the wealth of the person who's come to propose. Instead of us being proud that this person, at a young age, is looking to fulfil what you quoted at the beginning of the discussion, is ready to fulfil half the religion, our only concern is bank statement, show us what building, degree. And these things put off the youth. In my experience lecturing for 17 years around the world, whenever I ask the youth what puts you off marriage, they'll say have you seen what happens when we go for a proposal? Person is more concerned with the material and less concerned with the spiritual. So psychologically a person has to be ready. But also we have to try and find ways of helping our youths when it comes to marriage. So I guess moving on from your beautifully made point there, you mentioned if two people meet each other at university, sometimes two people might meet each other at work for example. Sometimes you might meet a non-Muslim at work that you might be attracted to. How does Islam teach us to approach these people? For example, some people are scared to walk up to someone and say, salam a leicom, I like you, would you be interested in marrying me? They think this is haram for example, whereas they think they might messaging that person in private might be un boi halal wei. So how does Islam teach us to get to know these people or be able to propose to these people in a correct manner while keeping the boundaries of hijab for example? Well listen, all of us have to be ready for a rejection. It's a good chance you could get rejected. You go up to someone like any person in the world, you could go up to someone and ask for their number and there's a good chance you're going to get rejected. There's a minimal chance you could get slapped. And then there is a chance as well where you may actually be in a moment where the person says, well you know what, why not? Let's get to know one another. There is absolutely nothing forbidden in the religion of Islam when two people want to get to know one another with the intention of marriage. There's nothing forbidden at all. Our culture, yes, our culture is problematic. The generation in their 20s now, they've got their Snapchat and Facebook and Twitter and so on. They're able to interact in ways I could never be able to interact when I was their age. I see some of them today. They all know each other well. They're all friends online. In my day, if you had a look at for example a girl in the community, there's a good chance your reputation could be destroyed. And if a girl even wanted to interact with you, the whole community would jump on her. What's sad is that the culture was so narrow. The culture was backward. The religion was not. If a person meets someone at university and you're bound to, either in the same degree course or you're on campus together, or for example, you're part of let's say something like Ahlul Bait societies or Muslim associations, there is nothing wrong whatsoever with a person walking up to someone and saying, listen, let's get to know one another. Someone says, but do you know she's still under her father's guardianship? You're going to require her father's permission to get. I'm not exactly saying I'm going to be physical with her within 15 minutes of meeting with her. You want to try and maintain some sort of communication to see if there is a click. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that whatsoever. In Islamic law, there are certain scholars who have stipulated that if you want to begin a relationship, let's say a temporary relationship, some scholars stipulate that you need to ask the father's permission, for example. Others stipulate, well, if you people can be moral, and not do that which is disrespectful, then you don't need the father's permission. Others have said, no, you can get to know each other as much as you want without the father's permission at all. So when you look at the scholars, you'll find within their works that there are ways in which a person can get to know someone without having to go the classical route. I'm not going to deny that going and seeking permission from parents is something which is respectful, no doubt. But that doesn't mean that you walking up to that person to get to know them is something which is morally wrong. A person is able to maintain a relationship with someone without transgressing the boundaries. And then when you feel that you're about to transgress, let's say, at the end of the day, the loudest voice that we have as a human being is our conscience. Let's say you feel you're about to transgress the boundaries. Then at that stage, you could say, well, let's take this towards our parents, for example. So in that period of university, if someone does want to get to know someone at the university, I believe that a person should go directly and approach them. If that person turns around and says, listen politely, I refuse, they refuse. If that person says, well, let me think about it, why not? But if someone's asking me, Islamically, is there an issue? There's no issue, Islamically. So you mentioned culture and religion there, obviously, within marriage is a topic where I think culture sometimes or more often than not trumps religion. For example, we have families who would prefer to their children to marry within their nationalities or their cultures just for the conveniences of, for example, language barriers or wedding ceremonies, et cetera. Even things such as seyed marrying non seyed or vice versa. How far does culture have an effect on religion or vice versa? This idea that a person only wants to marry someone from their culture, it's natural that there are parents who prefer that their son or daughter marry someone from their cultural background because they'll be able to understand each other's ways, each other's thoughts, each other's practices. I can understand that. But what shouldn't happen is we arrogantly reject somebody who's a lover of ahl-el-bayt, aleim-el-salam, simply because of the country they're from. A person who has tried to maintain their morals and their religion and has come to propose if they are from a different background to you and that's the only reason you're rejecting them because of their skin color or because they come from a different country to you then that is something extremely sad and a highlighting of a spiritual disease in our societies. The Quran in chapter 49 verse 13 states Bismillahi r-Rahman r-Rahim Y ae yw hannas, inna chelaknau cwm yn ddechrau wa'untha Wa ja'nna cwm shioba wa'w gabaila li ta'arafw Inna acrama cwm ando allai atgakwm O mankind, we created you from male and female from different races and different tribes in order that you get to know one another The best amongst you in the eyes of God is the Araqi No, possibly. The best amongst you in the eyes of God is the Iranian. Probably think so. The best amongst you in the eyes of God is the Lebanese The best amongst you in the eyes of God is the Pakistani The best amongst you in the eyes of God is the European No, the best amongst you in the eyes of God is the one who has taqwa The one who is conscious of God's presence When someone's come to propose and your concern is the color and not the taqwa then you've contradicted the Quran If you could tell me you love Ahlul Bayt, Alaym As-Salaam all you want The fact that you're not following the Quran means you've not understood the teachings of Ahlul Bayt, Alaym As-Salaam You look in the famous stories in the life of the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him His family used to have a companion by the name of Joaibur The Arabs sometimes would play with the name So if your name was Jabr, they'd call you Joaibur If your name was Khalid, they'd call you Khwailid And in the time of the Holy Prophet, peace be upon his family this Joaibur was of a darker complexion And the Holy Prophet said to him, Joaibur, how come you're not married yet? And he said, Ya Rasulallah, who's going to marry me? Look at me, I'm of a darker complexion Till today in our communities there are people, if for example someone from let's say an African American background or African Caribbean background Muslim, lover of Ahlul Bayt comes to propose for example for their daughter let's say they'll look at the skin color they don't care this person recites they don't care this person has been on ziara to carry on their jeff skin color I remember even some people doubted Imam Al-Jawad's imama because Imam Al-Jawad was dark skin there are people who are amongst his followers who doubted Imam Al-Jawad's imama because he was dark skin So the Holy Prophet tells Joaibur and what's wrong he says, well I'm dark skin he said do not worry go to Ziad bin Lubaid Ziad bin Lubaid was the head of the Ansar of Medina so he said to him, go to Ziad bin Lubaid and say to him that I've come to propose I've come with a proposal from Rasulallah and that I've come to propose for your daughter and that the Holy Prophet peace be upon him a reference, because you know you propose for marriage you need references and so when he meets Ziad bin Lubaid salam o aleykum o aleykum os salam who are you? said my name is Joaibur he said nice to meet you welcome how can we help you so he said I've come with a message from the Holy Prophet peace be upon him and his family so he said what's the message he said I've come to propose for your daughter he said sorry he said you've come for my he said yes he said you know your he said what he said you know your he said what is it he said well where the Ansar of Medina it's difficult to give our daughter away and so on so Joaibur left disappointed all of a sudden Ziad said wait wait if it's a message from Rasulallah then I should go and see the Holy Prophet peace be upon his family so he went to see the Holy Prophet he said oh Prophet of God did you send Joaibur he said yes I did he said to propose for my daughter he said yes so he looked at him and he said but you know your Rasulallah you know he's and where you know he said what is it I'm not understanding he said you know where Arabs and he's black and and this hurt the Holy Prophet peace be upon his family and believe you me every time we decide that two people should not get together because of skin color then that is hurting the Holy Prophet peace be upon his family the Holy Prophet looked at him and he said to us don't look at the Quran and say y ae yw hannas yna chelach na cwm yn ddechrau wa untha wa jaal na cwm shaooba wa qabail a li te araf wa anna cwm yn ddechrau wa anna cwm yn ddechrau wa anna cwm yn ddechrau Ziad went back he was embarrassed he said to him very well I'll ask my daughter and the daughter was honored she said where all the children of Adam and Eve at the end of the day the only thing that differentiates us is Taqwa so you found that in early Islam this racist attitude existed amongst the Arabs but we said that the Arabs are jahil we said the Arabs are the people of ignorance what's sad is when today in our own communities you have people who've still got that same arrogance when it comes to their son or their daughter saying well there's someone who's a good Muslim who has come to propose for example or I want to propose for someone who's the lover of Ahle al-Bayt but they're from this background and then all of a sudden you get a barrage of attacks we do not marry for me believe you me there are certain cultures they will not even marry outside their village there are certain Iraqis believe you me in Iraq until today they will not marry outside the village there are certain Lebanese outside of the village there's no marriage if there is, that's after you've rejected everybody from your own village that type of mentality maybe with a sincere intention that we prefer to marry from our own but at the same time it is not something of the teachings of Ahle al-Bayt do not reject someone simply because of their skin colour this is a sign of a spiritual disease in our communities skin colour and nationality to one side we have, or I've heard of cases working with the revert communities of cases where someone's been a I don't know a DJ for 10, 15 years one day has gone to the mosque converted to Sunni Islam then researched into it more become a Shia for example now this person naturally wants a Shia wife for himself to raise Shia children knocks on various different nationalities these doors gets rejected for example or you have the youth who take on the pains of converting to Islam in this day and age from Christian backgrounds Jewish backgrounds etc and sometimes even get kicked out of their homes disowned by their families and these guys come to us as a community to take our daughters or our sisters or our cousins and they're turned away what would you advise or want to change if you could change that what should we do about issues like that well I think you look at the imams of Ahl-i-l-Bayt and they married those who had reverted to the religion of Islam the imams of Ahl-i-l-Bayt who we all view as the the sadat and one would imagine that they would only marry sayedas from the daughters of Fatwaath Al-Zahra from their cousins and so on they end up marrying a number of reverts you're looking at Imam Hussain Imam Al-Sadaq all the way till Imam Al-Asghar Al-Salaam and if you go by the Shia tradition that the 12th imams mother was a revert whether she's from Africa whether from Rome Christian background or not if you want to go with that commonly spread tradition then who are we to stop a marriage taking place with someone who has reverted towards the religion of Islam this is part of the teaching because one must ask the question why would for example Imam Al-Sadaq marry from North Africa why? Imam Al-Sadaq al-Salaam could not marry from Medina, could not marry from Mecca could not marry from Kufa let's stretch it a bit he could not marry let's say from Basra could not marry from Qom why would Imam Al-Sadaq marry Hamidah from North Africa Hamidah al-Barbariah the Bar-Bazaran the North African region one of the reasons is because she herself is a lady of immense piety but another reason is to try and remove this antagonism that exists that when someone reverts as great as the one who's born there's not part of the teachings of the school of Ahl al-Bayt yes there were certain calyps who were part of their economic policy was to say things like those who reverted earlier than others deserve more from the treasury whereas in the school of Ahl al-Bayt no on the contrary that person who's reverted that person becomes the mother of Imam Al-Sadaq al-Sadaq al-Sadaq al-Sadaq Mary the Coptic wife of Rasul Allah s.a.w.a Mary the Coptic Mary the Coptic Mary the Coptic the copts of Egypt are Christian she reverts becomes a Muslim now if our holy prophet Muhammad peace be upon his family marries a revert and five, six, seven of the imams of Ahl al-Bayt Mary reverts then why do we find it so problematic let me tell you that early Islam is all reverts early Islam the early Sahaba are reverts many of them were people who had to go through religion to religion or some of them were those who had worshipped idols they reverted the holy prophet did not say you know don't give towards a revert and sometimes subhanallah you find sometimes that the revert has more knowledge than 20 people who have come to propose for your daughter that revert had to read their own former religions books they had to read the books of all the other sects in the religion of Islam then they came to the conclusion that I am going to come towards the path of Ahl al-Bayt alai wassalam that revert when they come towards the path of Ahl al-Bayt you can bring me as many bankers and lawyers and doctors and so on who probably in some cases may turn up if you are lucky 10th of Muharram 21st of the holy month of Ramadhan while that revert Thursday nights Friday nights that revert will be at Ziera that therefore in some cases the person who is reverted towards the religion of Islam in some cases has more knowledge than even those who are born in the religion but naturally like I said the parents of this current generation only knew people in their city they didn't meet a British revert when they were living in Najaf or living in Qom or living in for example Tabriz Tabriz for example you're not going to meet many British reverts or African Caribbean reverts African American reverts so some of the parents there isn't much knowledge about these things lack of knowledge sometimes sadly brings an innocent ignorance you know jahel can be that which is basit or that which is murakab there is compound ignorance and there is simple ignorance and I would say there is a simple ignorance in some families that because when they grew up they had never met anyone who had come towards the religion of Islam they find it something difficult to accept but I also find that these things are changing in our communities as well I mean a lot of families say you know we can't marry him from that family because they're not like us and I guess with the example of the revert someone might say for example I don't want to marry someone whose family drinks alcohol for example because if I have kids with this person they will be at his grandparents house and then they will be surrounded with alcohol with these things and especially in those cases whereby I don't know they've been kicked out of their homes for becoming a Muslim then there is no grandparents or extended family to go and visit from that side what would you answer to someone who's having those kinds of thoughts naturally marriage involves baggage and a person definitely has to think about these things if for example your husband is someone who has sacrificed everything to come towards ehl-el-bayt aleim-el-salam don't straight away put a black cross on his parents there are some people who straight away say you know what I don't want to meet them because they drink and so on I've seen non-Muslim in-laws yes they may have a a drinks cabinet at home they're the ones who make an effort to say let's go and eat at a halal restaurant they're the ones who make an effort to go and bring halal food some of their morals are better than the morals in our own communities some of them are million times less judgmental a million times less suspicious a million times less rude than some of the members in our communities you think just because your future husbands in-laws for example or your future wives in-laws your future in-laws from the wives side for example are people because they have drinks at home you think that automatically means they're going to be rude towards your children many of them go out of their way to appreciate their child's happiness with whoever their partner is I have been involved in marriages of a number of people who married a revert and you found that their parents were the best of parents yes they may have been of a Christian background or a Jewish background or a Hindu background or a Sikh background but their morals were wonderful now if someone for example says okay I marry someone from our own community who's a Muslim but their parents aren't the most religious you're marrying the parents or you're marrying that person that person you've sat with them you know their opinion you know their principles that should be more than enough and no parents out there are going to force it upon you that our lack of religiosity should be dictated on you I'll give you an example for example a girl wants to marry a guy in the community that guy's mother doesn't wear hijab the girl wears hijab what do you think that that guy's mum is going to force your future daughter not to wear no they know that it's your marriage and they know in many cases but they know in many cases it's best not to interfere so don't discount a group of people or don't discount someone to come to propose simply because their parents may be of one inclination when you know that person you've sat with them, you've talked with them you know their principles then you build your own lives and on the areas you agree with them and the areas you disagree there are ways around them inshallah inshallah, thank you very much Seidna and thank you to our respected viewers at home join us after the break for the second part of the show where we'll be looking more closely at the spouse selection part inshallah and we'll also be taking your questions you can call in via the number on the screen or via sending your messages via whatsapp or facebook and we will see you after the break Asalaam aleykum dear brothers, sisters and respected viewers welcome back to part 2 of our live in London with Dr Seid Amman Akshwani where we're looking at the topic of spouse selection and marriage in tonight's show and the forthcoming show inshallah Seidna, looking at the topic of spouse selection I came across another narration from our holy prophet that says he who marries a woman solely for her beauty will not find anything he likes in her he who marries her for her wealth will be deprived of it as soon as he marries her so look to marry a woman of faith now I was wondering he mentioned beauty and wealth here and also to look for faith is faith the only thing we need to look for in a potential spouse or other things for example someone might come that has good faith but they don't have looks so the person is not attracted to them or for example if we look at the wealth situation one family is richer than the other so they feel like there's a a social norm to confirm to or there's going to be a problem in the future if the wife's used to living in a certain manner that the husband can't for example provide for if it's luxury versus simple life what are the things you would say let me ask you how important was beauty for you it was on the list but not not top of the list because there has to be an attraction between the person you're spending the rest of your life with like the English say till death do us part there has to be some sort of chemistry or connection in the beginning to be able to ignite a friendship to be able to live together and I think that's what's important I think many people when you hear many of the clergy saying don't look for a girl's looks don't look for beauty don't don't don't beauty is fundamental the problem Mohammed peace be upon his family is not discounting beauty he's saying that shouldn't be the only thing you're concerned with but beauty is fundamental there has to be a spark there sometimes we may enter a marriage there's a lot of pressure on us at home the parents the community and you see someone where you're like you know what yeah it's something's there but still you know the fact that she's someone who's got good morals and the fact that she's someone who let's say has read the Quran well I'll overlook that extra spark that I've wanted because I'm sure that'll make the community happy no on the contrary beauty at that stage is fundamental because as you said quietly physically Islam stresses on the fact there has to be an attraction if you're looking at the traditions of the Holy Prophet peace be upon his family there's a constant reminder of the importance of procreation you don't want to be in a situation where you can't bear to look at the person that you're with of course this works both ways and of course we believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder who you may see as beautiful others may turn around and say well I don't really see anything there but for our people to always say that beauty is not important no that attraction has to be there and don't be pushed into this idea that well you know what maybe later on you'll see how attractive the person is because many regret that and if some are living married but because that physical attraction is not necessarily there you'll find that they want to conform to what a marriage is in the community but on the side they may be having other relationships while married beauty therefore is one of the criteria but it should never be the soul criteria because you could be with the most beautiful person but someone who for example has no modesty someone who has no dignity someone who has no patience someone who has anger issues there are some beautiful girls who are married to very good looking guys and they wanted someone who is extremely good looking but that guy for example has got anger issues that guy loses his temper very easily that person is very rude to people generally maybe someone who is very envious of others so what was the point therefore there should be this balance beauty is important wealth again is important because you want to make sure that there is some form of security we even have traditions that talk about the fact that if someone has been raised in a certain way then she has the right to be raised in her live in her marriage with that same expectation that is there within Islamic tradition but again that shouldn't be your only concern believe you me there are some who write me emails they are married to some of the wealthiest guys in the world but the guy no conversation at home nothing at all no interest in the wife at all except by the particulars have you spoken to my mom have you looked after the kids did you make sure that the bill was paid there is no relationship more of a maid rather than a wife sadly but as a proposing may have thought to herself you know what wealthy this that in some cases it's not his wealth some cases as they say beware of marrying the one with the PHD so what's the PHD the one papa has dough you may marry someone he's not very wealthy the dad has money you're marrying him thinking that you know what this person is really wealthy but on the contrary that person is really and you don't see any of it at all so beauty is important but shouldn't be the soul criteria wealth is important shouldn't be the soul criteria what do I think is more important than these well like the Holy Prophet say so beautifully that's strong faith what's strong faith many times people ask that you know what go for someone who has Dean an achlaug not focusing on beauty and wealth Dean isn't this classical definition that we give which is someone who prays and fasts that's someone who's religious on the contrary the religious person is someone who's always humble with their family members someone who's generous towards their family members who's humble and generous towards the community who looks to serve God's creation because they believe that's a way of serving the creator who's not selfish but thinks about the needs of others around them that type of person whether you're wealthy or not you're wealthy in your life when you have that type of person with you you may not have the biggest house but you'll have someone with you who's dignified honourable, respectable generous, patient that's religion religion is not someone out there there are many who pray and many who fast and many who go to Hajj and as the imams mentioned there are very few Hajjaj and there are many animals who are doing tawaf there's an increase in animals but there are very few Hajjaj meaning that there are many who do these acts of worship the moment he gets off the prayer mat very obnoxious, very rude and so on a religious person is someone who their prayers have helped to mould their character their prayers have helped to build their character not their prayers are the ends the prayers are a means for them becoming better personalities so when you're marrying someone who has who people call religious it shouldn't just be a case that oh he's religious because he's got one big fat prostration mark on their forehead religious in the sense that such a person is conscious of God in every decision that they make they would not slap someone's daughter who they've married because they know that domestic abuse is a sign of a coward and domestic abuse has got nothing to do with the religion of Islam that's religious when a person never ever lays a finger on their wife sadly in the Muslim community pray and fast and are known as wife beaters are known as having beaten their wives they pray they fast our definition of religion is a skewed definition and it needs reinterpretation at every level possible because our definition of religion has become a very legal definition not a spiritual definition it's more concerned with whether say a jaber has a beard that's a religious person or whether we saw them at Friday prayer a religious person or whether they're at Ziyara that's a religious person a religious person on the contrary is someone who you know has got the manism the dignity that Ahle'l-Bayt aleim ysalaam set for us that even in their times of trials the Holy Prophet peace be upon him and his family how many tests he had with his wives never is there an incident of him ever lashing out never did Imam Al-Hassan al-Lashawt on Jauda or for example Imam Al-Jawad on Omar al-Fadl so therefore when Islam says religion should be that which trumps beauty and wealth it's not saying that beauty and wealth should not be considered beauty should be considered procreation and so on is fundamental wealth should be considered but you know what nothing is as long lasting as the principles and the dignity of the human being which religion provides you with the moral barometers for when the morals of a community go that community dies but while the morals of a community are alive that community is alive so for those out there who are trying to give this impression that the religion of Islam is a religion that says don't look at beauty don't look at wealth no these things have to be considered but you know what there are certain things which are more eternal than these within spouse selection sadly again at least within my generation there's a lot of my marriage is this your marriage is that or because I follow or do exactly the this person I'm better than you or I'm worse than you etc is that really a barometer to be able to say because she follows this person I can't marry her or because he follows this person he's going to be of that this absolute nonsense this is you know a load of crap really is and I see I see it and I've seen it now for the last two decades I would say you know that some people are rejected because of the march that they follow absolute nonsense honestly it's a sign of ignorance and arrogance the two when they're combined they don't produce a human they produce a monster not a human they produce an animal in fact and even that could be disrespectful to animals these two have worked their socks off to stay on the path of God in the middle of a hyper-sexualized society which is showing them everything which is telling their animal instincts come and enjoy and yet they try to remain disciplined the guy comes to propose for your daughter instead of appreciating the effort that's been made to stay on the path of God in the middle of a hyper-sexualized society which is showing them everything the effort that's been made to stay on the path of God the effort that's been made to hold on to the teachings of the Quran and the Ahl-il-Bayt you're concerned about which jurist they follow give me a break honestly firstly all of our jurists may Allah lengthen their lives all of our jurists out there the grand jurists they themselves something sad in the community our concern does this person love Ahl-il-Bayt alaimysalam do they have good achlauq are they trying to observe the Quran after that your choice is about who to follow injurious prudence that's between you and your Lord to reject someone in the community to reject a youth and possibly end up leading that youth to go astray could happen someone could turn around and say that I follow for example say to Sistani may Allah lengthen his life and I went to propose to someone and they follow for example let's say Sheikh Wahid Al-Khorasani may Allah lengthen his life and I got rejected because of who I follow that shows that a community is backward my concern has to be do you know about the Ahl-il-Bayt alaimysalam's lives have you studied their lives believe you me I've met people who know more about Marajah's lives than they know about Imam Al-Hadi's life ask him 10 tell me a story about this marja tell you 20 stories 10 tell me a story about Imam Al-Hadi alaimysalam oh you know I don't get time to read about the imams lives hard where's our priorities someone who's come to propose for your sister you reject them because they follow a different marja to your family that is ignorance and if that person is led astray or ends up hating the religion comes back to you part of the reason that instead of you being open minded your only concern was much marja and this by the way goes also not just for the in-laws this goes by the way to the brothers who are watching this who are like I'll only marry a girl who follows the marja I follow someone who follows that's your criteria marja you follow this is all nonsense and this type of disease in our community God has to protect us from believe you me I'm not concerned whatsoever if someone comes to propose for a member of our family of our relatives I don't really care which marja they follow and I'm not gonna lose any sleep about which marja they follow and in some cases I'll probably be more concerned about which football club they support than which marja they follow and you know people might laugh but you're supporting united you've got a little chance of getting anything unfortunately I'm actually a Tottenham fan hi Yorg no problem we have a caller on the line said no how are you brother sorry to keep you waiting I'm actually driving right now so inshallah can you hear me? yes we can hear you loud and clear can you tell us your name and your question please my question is a little bit off topic but inshallah you can help me answer I'll try to keep it short my father has angry issues sometimes when he's really angry he's really angry he's just a curse he curses he curses and when we say sometimes it makes him do it more I'm wondering if there's anything that we can do to try to put an end to this inshallah at least be able to deal with it in a respectful way inshallah thank you very much for your question it's very sad when you hear such situations and and Allah knows what pressures Ali's father has gone through in life and who has influenced him into thinking that such statements are correct maybe he even himself in the middle of the night may cry when he remembers these things remember that Allah is always forgiving the door of repentance never closes and so pray to Allah and especially if you could read du'at macarame l'achlau of Imam Zain Al-A'abideen ala'i salam there are certain lines where the Imam talks of relatives who are extremely difficult in life and how he asks Allah to change their hatred into love to change their arrogance into humility Abdelni, me'n bogdate ahle'l shanaan il ma'habba me'n aqoog ddawil ar hamil ma'barra me'n chyddanil aqorabin a'n nosra you change the arrogance of our relatives into love change the hatred into devotion change their for example envy into support insha'Allah such supplications you can pray for your father and hopefully Allah subhanaw wata'ala maqallib al qalob the qalb taqallib is this idea of rotation Allah subhanaw wata'ala you know awahat are constantly rotating they say ya Allah ya rahman ya rahim ya maqallib al qalob thabbit qalob na ala dinic or Allah cement awahat on your path keep praying to Allah subhanaw wata'ala and believe you me people worse than this have come back towards Allah subhanaw wata'ala insha'Allah we pray his father falls on the correct path so we mentioned some of the attributes to look for a good spouse if we find this good spouse how do we test them while upholding the boundaries of her job are there anything we can do to because you can't really marry someone after just meeting them once and in the case of arranged marriages we've had a couple of questions here from sisters and brothers via whatsapp regarding arranged marriages what should we look out for what should we do buddy there's no tests involved it's not like an exam for the day of judgment I don't know why people make this extremely serious yes it's a life decision but I think people are they go over the top what do I do I'm gonna meet this person I'm really nervous meet the person and the family should be relaxed believe you me there are some families that are still living in cuckoo land they actually think that their daughter chatted to a guy in her life your daughter has been to school she's been to college she's been at work she's on facebook twitter whatever the other social media things are now which I've lost track of the daughter knows what's happening let them go out with each other let them have coffee with each other let them get to know one another the problem sometimes is the family is narrow minded mentalities are what are making these situations more nerve wracking than they should be ehle'l beit aleim es-salam allowed us to go as far as saying well if the girl normally does not wear hijab if the girl for example normally wears hijab you could see her without her wearing her khimar her head covering ehle'l beit aleim es-salam say if the parents are happy they can let the two be engaged for example in what is known as a temporary relationship a temporary relationship which always gets abused or cursed in our communities one of the positives of the temporary relationships out of many is that the two can get to know one another and the father has given permission you can get to know one another for two weeks four weeks, eight weeks, two months there is no limit to how long a person can decide for the two to get to know one another but they should be allowed a certain amount of freedom imagine you go and propose for someone who you want to get to know someone's recommended there's a good family they got a wonderful daughter and then you're going there to sit with the girl and you got her mother sitting there in the corner you know, stalking you this is not Islamic or the mother walking in every five minutes what do you think the guy's going to do was he jumping on your daughter when he's come to propose the guy has come he just wants to have a decent conversation just as scared as she is or the chaperoning that's taking place why the chaperoning why does everybody have to turn up to for example a restaurant and sit in the corner and the two get to know one another people have to wake up our cultures in many cases are too precautionary listen Shi'iju sprwnt the word that's the most used is precaution do you agree every time you see our ruling in Shi'iju sprwnt obligatory precaution precaution precaution precaution people have to get out of always focusing on the precautionary yes there are times and place for ehtiyad for precautionary measures but when two people mature adults want to get to know one another you're saying that I'll sit there I'll be in the corner all this old thing of well you know what let her come and serve tea and then you can look at her face the guys checked her out six months before online he's seen where she's gone on holiday he's said what she's tweeted what she's snapped and so on people have to wake up from this narrow minded world view and Islam is not the narrow minded it's our cultures that in some cases are too traditional in their opinions but you should be able to take your time you want to get to know someone get to know them let them go out with one another the person in Iraq they have the saying that the person entered through the door not from the window now I don't know what Iraqi kids were doing you know with each other through windows but the idea of coming through the door was that I've come respectfully now someone's come respectfully for your daughter's hand don't start giving them an interrogation program or make things too difficult the person's come with respect another thing which is mystifying is people who take a long time before they give an answer now I've had emails of people who take four weeks to give an answer about someone who's proposed for their daughter now what's going on here either the daughter is uncertain but four weeks I don't know what's happening there major uncertainty issues or the parents are waiting to take an istikhara istikhara next day job okay let's be pedantic Thursday night let's be holy Thursday night in the Maghrib Fajr time okay now why are people extending some say well you know what because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so therefore what I'm going to do is I'm going to pretend that you know what get to the point this is Islam this is not our culture Islam as a religion there should be that softness of the heart Islam as a religion should be a religion where people don't play about with other people's emotions someone's come to propose don't tell them okay we'll get back to you and then never call back believe you me there are people who have not even called back people who've proposed for their families I could show you the emails salam a'laykum seid ammar I propose for one girl in the community the family did not even call us back now either that guy has got one awful CV or that guy done something wrong when he proposed or you know what sadly people have forgotten decency in class so really let's get down to things and actually be real in the way these relationships are developed we have another caller on the line say it salam a'laykum salam a'laykum sorry to keep you waiting could you please share your name and question yeah my name is Niharu Safarja and my question was that many people like referring to the lecture I'll say what he said earlier is that many people knew me in university and they do fall in love and they do form a family but then later on in their 40s and their 50s they have these massive, massive problems and they end up with a divorce and it ends up ruining the male's life mostly because the female obviously has more dominance in the role of the UK, I don't know about other countries but in the UK the female has more dominance so how could you prevent that from happening thank you very much naturally we're disappointed saddened when we're here that's a couple who've been together for so long get divorced and really more so for the children it's devastating I do believe there is a need for more marriage councillors in our communities and I believe that the marriage councillor should have an office in the mosque that is as important as the office of the resident alem or the resident sheikh or sayid or Maulana of the mosque because sometimes some marriages broke without proper counselling sometimes some Maulana signed off a divorce without one party even knowing they got divorced you slipped 100, 200 quid under the table and that Maulana signed off and nobody knew any better and that is something sad therefore I think marriage councillors in the Muslim community in Britain deserve a lot more time a lot more respect because if they were able to sit with this couple alongside the Maulana we don't have to discount the Maulana but alongside the Maulana I know today there are Maulanas alongside people of wisdom in the community who are trying to solve the issues of the community but I do believe that we need professional marriage councillors also inshallah if there is a divorce to take place hopefully there should be an amicable way about it your kids are grown up you don't want the whole community to hear you said this about your husband those kids will get affected their lives will get destroyed Islam it frowns upon divorce but says it's halal it's inevitable that it could happen where you don't click but try and not leave a bad feeling because that spreads in the community so yes under the British legal system one may argue that it's different to the Islamic legal system however before we even get to that point I think councillors in the community can have a more fundamental role inshallah inshallah following on from the brother's point and his cute question let's say two people get married how should they interact or behave with each other to ensure that it doesn't reach the divorce stage so say for example you have a newlywed couple you want to give them advice for the first year or two years of their married life what would you say and I'm not asking for myself well I think that before the akad or the nikah has taken place I think in that period before there should be discussions on courses which are run I know for example in London there is a course which sheikh Muhammad el-Hallih is running at the moment where newlyweds come together and they discuss what are the challenges that one may face in the first or second year of their marriage for example but I believe that that course should also be for those who have just got engaged that what are the rights of the husband what are the rights of the wife do the in-laws have any rights if they don't then what Islamic duties do we still have to our parents how do we maintain a balance between work and between home between home and between the community I believe that so many people were thrown in the deep end of marriage and the community was silent about preparing a course for them I know in the Christian community there are a number of priests who will not marry people unless they have met that priest five or six times only having met that priest five or six times only then when the priest feels some sort of confidence for example will the priest turn around and say that okay I believe that you two are now ready to get married so every community for example in London or in Europe generally or in North America Australia the Middle East I think every community should try their hardest that if a couple are about to get married discuss with them the Islamic duties as well as the psychological issues as well as the social responsibilities before they tie the knot you could say to me what advice would you give someone on the first year on marriage that shouldn't be a question that should be asked after someone's got hitched that should be a question that should have been part of a program or part of a course before the two got married some might say oh I can't be bothered going to these things Islamic duty for you to observe firstly God's right you know in Islam when you get married there are three involved you your wife and the mother-in-law there are three involved and they are you your wife and God don't think that your behavior at home just because the community doesn't see your behavior God is not watching the only time in the Quran God says I hear, I hear all hearing is in relation to marriage chapter 58 of the Quran Suratul Mujadala the woman who pleaded to God about the behavior of her husband Allah SWT says I hear the cry of the one who complains to you and pleads to you about the behavior of her husband and I hear their conversations for I am the all hearing and the all seeing it is vital that before someone gets married that they understand that God is the third in that relationship that both of you should observe each other's rights what's the rights of the wife what's the rights of the husband do you know how many get married don't know each other's rights and then only later they realize what the rights are whereas the ahl el-bayt have said in so many of their wonderful narrations this is the right of the husband this is the right of the wife imam aleeb na betalib has one line believe you me if it is in a marriage course before two people get married believe you me it will affect them don't make decisions when you are angry don't make promises when you are happy imam aleeb na betalib don't make promises when you are happy don't make decisions when you are angry how many make decisions when they are angry during the first year of marriage how many make promises when they are happy in that first year of marriage you are buzzing energetic in some cases and you are making promises you know what I am going to buy you a yacht you know what I am going to buy you a penthouse you know what one day I will get your Ferrari one day one day why for a few minutes maybe with her cooking or something and for example the promise I made or she's got happy for example that she's seen you eye and for once in your life or she's seen you pick up your clothing which were the worst at and then she's made you promise after imam aleeb na says calm down don't make promises when you are happy don't make decisions when you are angry such narration should be in a marriage course because now when you know this narration how much will it affect your marriage sincerely when you now reflect on some of the things you've said or some of the decisions you've made had you known this before marriage it would affect some of the decisions you made why did I make that decision just because I was angry imam says don't make decisions when you are angry why did I make that promise because I was really happy don't make promises when you are happy I believe therefore that these marriage courses are fundamental and that the parents should not be embarrassed to send the future bride and groom to these courses that's number one number two I believe the parent should open up a lot more a father to his son a mother to her daughter open up more some say oh I'll never speak to my son about these things let someone else speak oh I'll never speak to my daughter no open up more sit down listen son one two three four five listen son imam Ali ibn Abi Talib alai ysgol yna hynny oh my son Hassan the heart of a youth is like an uncultivated piece of land whatever you throw on it it accepts therefore I tried to mold your heart before it hardened so you were able to learn from my lessons and apply them into your life even imam Ali ibn Abi Talib wedi imam Alhassan alai ysgol tells him the heart of a youth is like what uncultivated piece of land when that person is getting married that person at that moment their heart is uncultivated everyone's going to give them an opinion about marriage but you as the father you as the mother have to sit talk, discuss, be open Rasulullah says from the age of 14 to 21 you have to be a friend with your child those are important seven years so I believe that in our communities definitely these courses will have a major bearing that you don't need to ask me a year into your marriage rather you'll say that you know what before I got married there was already a program in that course which was the first year and the second year what do you do and what don't you do thank you very much Syedna for an amazing show thank you, we'll continue inshallah Monday further we will do inshallah join us again on Monday when we go live again live in London with Dr Syedna Manakshwani for part two of spouse selection and marriage I can see that a lot of you via the WhatsApp number I'll be going through these personally inshallah after the show and getting them ready for Monday's show if you have any other questions or if you'd like to phone in please phone in via the number on the screen or continue sending your messages via Facebook or WhatsApp please keep us in your prayers Assalamu aleykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh