 I'm the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man, and I'm here to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Yes, boys and girls, it's comic weekly time. And here I come right into your house to bring a little fun and happiness. Right out of the pages of Puck the Comic Weekly, straight into your living room, your friend the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. Little Miss Honey, how are you today? Oh, I'm just wonderful. And I know why. Why? Because this is an exciting week. Lincoln's birthday and St. Valentine's Day come this week. That's right. And I don't blame you for being excited. And you know something. Yes, I'll bet you she is. You know how did that get started? A long ago, people said Valentine's Day is a special day when you should tell the person you were in love with that you love them. Isn't that nice? So that's how it all started, I guess. Isn't that nice? And so today, we send Valentine's to people we like, too, so we can let them know we're thinking of them, even though they aren't the ones we love the most. Isn't that nice? Yes, it is nice. Now you know what I'm going to do. Leave me the funny? That's exactly what I'm going to do. That's nice, too. Yes, Puck the Comic Weekly. And I'll read that in just a moment. But before I do, let's listen to this nice man. Well, here we go with Puck the Comic Weekly. And on the first page, hop along Cassidy. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Six guns blazing as he thunders along. Give us music for hop along. Hoppy and his pals, California and Lucky, had come upon a herd of stolen cattle in a canyon. And then they had a brush with the cattle thieves. While Lucky and California delivered the herd of cattle to the bar 20 ranch, Hoppy had gone off in pursuit of the leader of the rustlers. Hoppy was knocked unconscious when driven into a limb of a tree. And his unconscious body was left in a runaway rig which was brought him into town safely. Now he's come to see his friend Buckskin, who's in bed. Last picture, top row, Buckskin says, hey, sounds like you had a running with a chameleon. Hoppy replies, now a chameleon's a lizard that can change color to match his surroundings. Buckskin continues, yep, this two-legged lizard hides behind a thousand disguises. No witness has ever described him the same way twice. All started shortly after you went away. And he tells Hoppy that one day, a flashily dressed passenger held up a bank messenger aboard an inbound stage. A little later, an old timer with battered clothes held up Moss Briggs' general store. Two nights later, a tall stranger set fire to a neighbor's barns and made off with 50 head of first-priced horses. Buckskin goes on, first picture, bottom row. Well, things got so bad, a citizen's protective league was formed by a newcomer named Simon Grief to safeguard folks. Well, some of us didn't feel like paying for protection if the law owes us. Then last week, I was shot in the leg while bringing in the bar 20 payroll. It'll delay my trip to Wyoming for a spell. Hoppy nods and says, well, the next slug may permanently delay it, Buck. That moment, last picture, a bullet crashes through the window and plows into the bed board just an inch above Buckskin's head. Hoppy was awfully close to being right. If that shot had hit Buckskin, he would not have gone to Wyoming. I should say not. Mine stood dark outside. I don't see how they can find out who shot it. Oh, that shot is as mysterious as all of the hold-ups that Buckskin has been telling Hoppy about. Well, I hope that Hoppy finds out who the chameleon is pretty soon if he goes round shooting through windows. Yes. Well, now? Oh, now, now can we go over the page where we'll find Prince Valiant, I betcha. We certainly can, I betcha. See, I win. Yes. I was right. I was that nice young boy who's so faithful to Valiant. Yes, and now let's see what kind of a hunting trip they have. Here we go with Prince Valiant in the days of King Arthur. Hecket, brecket, gray mulken, and quince. Music romantic for a fair, fair prince. Val, Arf, and a servant leading a pack horse are heading into the hills for the farther borders of fuel. Last picture top row, he comes to the distant outposts, the wall that guards the country, and there at the watchtower they're greeted by the guards who are grateful that their prince would come and share their lonely watch. And then they continue on their way. Rain begins to fall, all day it falls. They ride through hills that are filled with mist, and as the rain bears down, the streams are filled to overflowing, and the waters rush more rapidly to the sea. The hunters come to a river which they must cross. First picture, second row. Val knows the danger of rising water, and he approaches a port cautiously, roving the bottom of the stream with his staff, making sure it's not too deep to cross safely. And then they begin to make the crossing. When they're in midstream, suddenly they see a huge tree carried swiftly at them by the rushing waters. Last picture, second row, the guide shouts a warning. A useless warning for the horses, belly deep in the turgid flood cannot leap away from the approaching doom, and in a second, the tree crashes into them. Last picture, the guide who was last in the water and approaches the shore escapes and crawls the shore in time to see Prince Valent and are from the animals being swept to the edge of a waterfall, and he stares horrified as he sees them disappear in the awful tumult. Who would have thought it? It just goes to show that sometimes the worst enemy of all is nature, the wind and the rain and the storm. And that's when it becomes real hot. Say not, when nature goes on the rampage, it's worse than wild animals or wild men. Yes, and waterfall because they're fun. I hope he doesn't eat a bit, but we'll find that out next week. Now let's turn over the page and see who's there. All right, it's Gordon. Yes, sir, Flash Gordon, and he's having trouble fighting nature too. Yes, I was from a flood. He got the ship into the water to set an explosion so he could blow open up the... A channel for the water to escape. Yes, that's right. But then Queen Menter refuses to pick Flash up, and she left him in the water to die. But then Dale was awfully smart, and she got the Queen's gun away from her, and she's making them bring the ship back to save Flash because he's unconscious in the water. Yes, but what's worse, Flash is being attacked by a whip shop. A fish almost as big as a whale. So let's read please, and we'll see if Dale saves Flash. Very well, here we go with Flash Gordon. Regga regga dune dune, saskum attache. Let's have music for heroic Flash. While Dale anxiously cruises above the Martian floodwater, searching for Flash, Flash is suddenly jolted back to consciousness by the powerful lunge of an attacking whip shop. Though still dazed, Flash instinctively fights for his life. Flash picture top row, Dale sees Flash. She orders the pilot to fly down and rescue him. At first picture bottom row, in her concern over Flash's flight, Dale reaches the bottom row and over Flash's flight, Dale relaxes her vigilance against the enemies that are back. Suddenly the ruthless queen springs forward and Dale is hurled bodily out of the cockpit, straight toward the whip shop's crashing tentacles. And that sees her chance for a complete triumph over the hated intruders from the earth. Taking over the steering controls, she issues a terse order to the pilot, throw the other earthmen to the shop too. But young Link is rapidly shaking off the effects of the neutral raised shock. At last picture, mustering all his strength, Link springs into furious action in a desperate effort to rescue his friends. As Link and the pilot fight savagely within the cramped quarters of the scout ships, they shatter the instrument panel, short circuiting the power beams. There is a shower of sparks and the craft begins the sickening plunge toward the waters below. I feel the same way. Now things are in a terrible state. Yeah, sure. Well that's something we'll have to wait until next week to find out. But now let's turn over the page and see if we can find something to take your worries away from Flash and Dale. Very well, then we'll read this funny. Here we go with Donald Duck and say the magic words with me. Squeeze them, squeeze them, squirt a chicka-chack. Let's have music to pet a quack-quack. Today, Donald's nephews, Louie, Huey and Dewey, are trying to make up their minds about what to do. Louie says, Hey, let's go skating. Dewey who's reading a comic book reply. No, I don't feel like skating. Huey who's dashing around the floor and gets shadow boxing, with a fierce look in his face says, Hey, you know what I feel like fighting. Louie says cheerfully. Hey, now that you mentioned it, so do I. Dewey puts down his comic book and says twice as cheerfully. Me too. Huey says, Okay, let's go. Down the street they go. Fierce looks on their faces and their fists all doubled up. They head for the Kelly's house, says Huey says. Lefty, Kelly is always ready to fight. And Louie replies, Yeah, good old Lefty, he's dependable. Last picture top row, the hammer on the Kelly door so hard they knock it open. Lefty's mother runs to the door and Huey snarls. He's lefty him. Lefty's mother answers. I'm sorry boys, but Lefty has the measles. Now what do you know? Yeah, the sissy giving in to the measles. Come on, let's go. Down the street they go, heading for a little tough Mike's. But Mike's gone to visit his grandmother. So, down the street they go, heading for Patty Jones. Oh, he's not home. It is dancing lesson today. That's right. So, they go looking for Sammy Bremer. But he's at a Boy Scout meeting. So, fourth picture bottom row. As the boys go down the street, Huey frowns at Louie and says, Well, I guess you know what this means. Louie replies, Yes, we know. Louie hits Huey. Huey hits Huey. Huey hits Huey. And the feathers really fly. Oh, wait until Donald sees their torn clothes. Nope, they'll just have to take it and like it. Well, if they don't mind getting hurt when they're fighting, why should they mind if they're paddled? I don't think so. Yes, I think I know what you mean. But now let's go past the Lone Ranger, turn over the page to the very last page of the first section. Oh, look, it's Dick's Adventure. And I'll read that in just a moment. But first, here's that nice man with something interesting to say. Now here we go again with Put the Comic Weekly, and on the last page of the first section, Dick's Adventures. Magic words for the music, please. And say them with me, please. Riggity-pack-de-pack-de-zic. Let's have music for Adventureless Dick. Dick is on an expedition into the wilderness in the early days of America with Captains Lewis and Clark. After spending the winter on the edge of the Missouri River near what is now Bismarck, North Dakota, they're preparing to continue their journey up the Wild River. The Indian Maiden, who had saved the lives of Dick and his friends by stopping the Indian Braves from attacking the white men, wants Captains Lewis and Clark to take her and her husband and a little papoose along with them. But Captain Lewis doesn't want to take them along. However, as the men get aboard their boat, Dick sees the Indian Maiden with the papoose strapped to her back coming through the boat. Instantly Dick is in love with the little papoose, the tiny Indian baby. And he goes over to the two Captains. Hey Captain Lewis, Captain Clark, the bird woman insists on training along with us and she claims she knows this country all the way up to the Rockies. Captain sees the eager-looking Dick's face and he shrugs. Well, all right, all right, let her come along, Dick. But how can she travel with that papoose of hers? We've got a thousand miles of wilderness ahead of us. Long journey begins. Last picture top row, we find them underway, carried forward by the wind which fills their sails and by the men who push their boat forward with long pulls. And day after day, mile after mile, the party continues up to Missouri which grows wilder and more turbulent as they cross the border into what will one day be the state of Montana. Several weeks later on a sunny afternoon as the men relax in the camp they make alongside the river, Dick is entertaining the little papoose when suddenly a bear walks into the camp. Instantly the men seize their rifles and fire at it. Last picture second row, the gigantic bear is pumped full of lead but still in charge is maddened with pain and rage. First picture bottom row, it comes straight at Dick who is holding the papoose in his arms. There is no time for guns to be reloaded. Dick takes the fastest way out over the cliff. He pauses one second and leaps into the air, plunging straight down as the men stare in horror. He lands in soft mud and water at the edge of the river and is safe. A minute later the Indian maiden and Captain Lewis come toward them and Dick says last picture, well I guess we made it kid, well you can smile now, here comes your mommy. Yes you do, that was quick thinking on Dick's part. Yes, many exciting things happen to the pioneers to explore and settle this country but now look below Dick's adventures. Very well my lady. Get up and run till the road is dusty, give us music for his horse and Rusty. Sir Percival and Knob's two crooked Englishmen who have pretended to be respectable persons had been visiting at the Milestone farm. While Mr. Miles took Sir Percival to dinner at the country club Knob slept back to the farm and stole the valuable trophies from Mr. Miles safe. The two boys Rusty and Pete had seen Knob's and trailed him in Pete's car which he wasn't supposed to drive because he's too young to have a license. Detectives have been called in on the case and they have found the tools under the library window where Sir Percival had told Rusty to leave them and then Tex tells Mr. Miles that Rusty and Pete are gone. The detective looks at Mr. Miles and says well Mr. Miles, I guess that about wraps it up. The way that wall safe was pried open with that wrecking bar and looks like an amateur job and those two kids taking it on the lamb in their car. Well, that's it. And the officer in uniform adds here all we gotta do now is to put out a general alarm to pick them up. They can't get far. Mr. Miles shakes his head saying I can't believe it, Inspector. I feel that it is merely a coincidence that the boys are gone. The officer says I know how you feel, sir and I'm afraid it's just wishful thinking on your part. Anyhow, the labs report on the fingerprints and the cold chisel and Prince Barrow sent you. Well, I'll have to have positive proof gentlemen. However, the boys should be picked up. I forbid young Peters to take that car out on the highway. A little later, last picture top row in Tex's room Mr. Miles and Tex are talking things over. Mr. Miles says it takes if this matter concerned Rusty alone nothing in the world would convince me he'd steal. But young Peters, after all, how well do we know him? Hey, boss, that young stew is a spoiled brat when he came here but he's like a new lad since he's had Rusty for a pal. But don't worry, we'll soon have him back. Meanwhile, first picture bottom row on the highway Nobs and Sir Percival approach an old, old abandoned house. The car slows down as Nob says Here's the place I had in mind first, this old deserted house. Sir Percival replies Oh, extra knobby, we can hide the loot there let me turn this rented car out to the owners. They turn off the road and slowly approach the old house. Some distance back on the highway Pete and Rusty and Pete's car are still trailing Sir Percival. Rusty exclaims Hey, hold it, Pete. They turn into the driveway of that old house. Pete says Okay, I'll hide this car behind that barn and then we'll follow. Little later, Pete and Rusty have hidden their car behind a lean-to. Rusty, standing behind the shed, has been watching. He says They took that bundle in the old house and now they're coming out, keeping the shadows, Pete. About this time, in the police lab last picture in town, the detective asked the fingerprint expert Anything to report on the prints on that pinched barn and coal chisel? The expert replies Oh, yes, Inspector. Good, clear prints on both of them. And they matched the prints on the brush and comb taken from Rusty Riley's room. Guess he's your pigeon. Well, they think Rusty Riley should blame because he told Rusty to put the tools under the window. Remember? I remember very well, and you haven't forgotten a thing. Oh, how could I forget when a grown man tries to make it look like a nice little boy would steal something. That's the meanest thing I know. I think you're right. I hope Rusty comes back home soon and tells Tex and Mr. Miles where the thieves have hidden his stall and stuff and then Tex will just fix everyone good. We'll find that out next week. Now let's go to the second section of part one and let's go to the second section of Fuck the Comic Weekly. I have it right here in the front page. It's so funny. Yes, and now here we go on the second section of the first page with Dagwood and Blondie. Ram-a-foo, Ram-a-fum, Sim-Sim-Zombie. Can't you be music for Dagwood and Blondie? Blondie rushes in and tells Dagwood Our children are quarreling again. Dagwood shakes his head. How can we teach them that brothers and sisters love each other and not quarrel? Last picture, top row. Blondie is struck by a wonderful idea. A good idea. And then we'll see what a horrible thing it is for members of the family to fight. First picture, second row, Blondie says. Now, remember, dear, we're just doing this for our children and that I love you. Oh, I understand. Now don't hold back. We want just to look real. Just then Cookie comes into the room, Dagwood's seeing her, gives Blondie a shove and yells, So, you'll use my fountain pen again, huh? Last picture, second row, Cookie dashes into the kitchen where Alexander is making a sandwich. Hey, quick, Alexander. Mama and Papa are having a terrible fight. Oh, I can't believe it not. I'm mother and father. They love each other. Both the kids come into the living room where Blondie is beating up on Dagwood. They hear Blondie say. Take that. And then they see Blondie take a chair and break it over Dagwood's head. Cookie yells, Stop, Mama, stop. And as Cookie, her Blondie stands above the unconscious body of Dagwood. First picture, the bottom row, Alexander says, Hey, you and daddy shouldn't fight, Mama, it's not right. Daddy and I weren't really fighting. We just pretended so you could see how terrible fighting really is. And Alexander drops to his knees and says, I promise you, I'll always be real sweet to my sister. And Cookie drops to her knees and says, Now, we've learned our lesson, Mama. Last picture, they carry poor beating up Dagwood to the sofa. And Blondie says, I'll get some bandages. And Alexander says, admiringly, Jay, Mom, you got a peach of a rice. And Dagwood groans, I'd hate to get in a real fight with her. Blondie certainly does have a good right. The way she hit Dagwood on the jaw, you'd think she learned to fight from Joe Lewis. Yes, she did. And I hope Alexander and Cookie remember the lesson they just learned. So do I. Well, I'm glad to know that you don't think it is. No, I... Well, now look underneath, Roy Rogers. Oh, let's read that because Roy is a wonderful fighter, too. I thought you don't like to see people fight. Oh, well, it's different with Roy's fights. He only fights bad men. Yes, that's different. Roy received a message last week. So let's find out what that message was about. Here we go with Roy Rogers. Hi-yip-hi-yo. Now, here we go with Roy and Trigger. Hi-yip-hi-yo. Roy has received a message to come to the Bunyan logging camp. He stops on a hill and sees in the valley below some shacks. And he says, well, I recognize the Bunyan logging camp, Trigger. You better get down there and find Wildwood a dove. Suddenly, there's a shot, and the twig Roy is holding between his teeth is cut in two. Roy turns around and sees a girl stepping from behind a tree. Roy shakes his head and says, I should have known that was your shooting, Wildwood. Hey, where'd you pop from? Last picture top row, as they start walking down the hill together, Roy asks, and what are you doing up here in the timber country? Wildwood tells Roy she's working for her aunt who runs the logging camp. And that there's been a lot of accidents lately. So many accidents that her aunt can't deliver logs to the saw mill. And poor Wildwood guesses that that means that she can't make enough money. And then they hear the sound of an axe. And ahead of them, they see a man chopping a tree. And then they see Wildwood's aunt come up to the man, take the axe away, and swing at the tree herself. And then they hear her say, you swallows, blank strap glasses. I'll show you how to fail this big one. And then the tree begins to fall. It falls directly toward where Roy and Wildwood are. Roy leaps in the sand and grabs Wildwood yelling. Hey, come on, Trigger. Move! Last picture, Pauline yells, Hey, watch out, you two! It's a side winder! You'll get mashed, you poor... Right for them, and it's almost on top of them. Thank you. I'm afraid we'll have to wait until next week to find that out. Yes, isn't that too bad. But don't worry too much. I remember that Trigger is a very, very fast horse, and maybe he'll jump away just in time. Now, that's all the time I have, but before I go, here's that fellow with some more interesting information. And all you boys and girls, you gotta go now. All right. Okay, that's a date. And a date with all you boys and girls. Be sure to meet me with our little friend Miss Honey next week when I read pop the comic weekly. For I'm the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. I'll be back to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Don't forget, boys and girls, see you all next week. Your friend the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man.