 Hey, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show It's the new transcribed Abbott and Costello show with their new singing discoveries Susan Miller and Maddie Malnick's orchestra So hold on to your chairs both for here. They are but Abbott and Luke Costello Right Costello look at you. You're all messed up. Where have you been? Well, I was doing some last-minute shopping I bought a dress for our maid the sales lady asked me to slip it on for size And before I could get it off. I was dancing with three sailors at the Palladium Now did you remember to get that clock for our producer? Yeah, I got him at dandy clock. Cuckoo. Yeah, he's a little nuts Get that box of artificial snow. What's your language Abbott artificial snow in, California? We call that stuff Miami mist Did you find out what the rest of the people on the show wanted Lou? Yes, our announcer wants a pipe a leather jacket and a gallon of gin But he says you won't be mad if you don't get the pipe in the leather jacket Did you get the presents for Maddie Malnick like I told you to oh, yeah, I got the five girls waiting up in the hall girls I told you good to get five shirts for Malnick. Oh, I thought you said skirts now What would Maddie do with five girls don't mind them folks. She's getting a pogo stick for Christmas And I also got some missile phone You don't even know what missile code is. I do so all right. What is it a vine or a plant? It's an excuse. I Will you please talk sense Lou? I hope you didn't drag that little fat kid that lives next door to you down at the store to see Santa Claus Oh, yes, and with those crowds awful that poor little fact kid got squashed in between Sydney Groot Street and Kate Smith Where's he now? He's got a job with the circus. He's the tallest. He's the tallest skinniest six-year-old boy in the world He'd buy a castella will you that's enough from you give my friend here a chance at the microphone Have a thank you Stella fans if you'd like to shoot off to musical heaven do it with a Bing Bing Crosby Yes later tonight on the Bing Crosby show that Roaner will salute the Yuletide with his favorite seasonal songs Song your favorite way and in addition to the musical portion of the show You'll hear Bing's presentation of a moving and tender Christmas drama This great Bing Crosby show is definitely a must for Christmas Eve listening So be sure to hear it on ABC tonight at 10 in the east at nine elsewhere in the nation Next week New Year's Eve. There'll be a new addition to ABC's great Wednesday night lineup It's the Tony Martin show featuring Alan Long with Evelyn Knight the Victor Young Orchestra and the Jeff Alexander Chorus and Jimmy Wellington remember here the Bing Crosby Christmas show tonight and next Wednesday night the star theater Presents the Tony Martin show well Castello. It's Christmas Eve I understand you played Santa Claus on the Vox pop show at our youth foundation Yes, I stopped a feather pillow under my Santa Claus suit Just like you told me some little kid with sharp thing and they'll poke me in the stomach What happened? I snowed on them for 10 minutes Then when I was going upstairs another kid hit me in the escalator with a lollipop No, you mean escalator an escalator is the kisser that's where he hit me Then Warren hauling me trim the Christmas tree with spaghetti and meatballs you idiot you trimmed a Christmas You trimmed a Christmas tree with spaghetti. Yeah, and it sure was pretty when we plug it in you should have seen those meatballs light up Those kids at the foundation remind me that days when I was a kid at it I never had any money for Christmas when I wanted money I used to go out and wrestle the organ grinder's monkey for a penny. That's terrible. You're telling me I only won once in seven years Now castella my pal What did you get for your buddy? Have it your dear dear friend. Oh, I bet you are my dear dear sir and nothing is too good for you Thanks, pal and nothing is what you're gonna get You mean you haven't you haven't bought my present yet. Oh, yes, I bought you an incense burner and a mirror What can I do with an incense burner? You can burn pumpkin it. Where am I gonna find the punk? That's where the mirror comes in That's a fine way to talk after the wonderful presence the game gave you last year wonderful present Yeah, you gave me a mustache cup, and I ain't got no mustache The announcer gave me an automobile horn, and I ain't got no car and Susan Miller gave me a cane bottom chair It's a good thing. I got an end table We're getting more stupid every day. How do you manage to increase your ignorance? I put on extra help over the holidays Yeah, but you know I was over to my uncle Mike's farm putting up Christmas decorations I even hung jingle bells on the cows. Where did you hang them on their own? Well, I ain't saying have it but tomorrow morning when Uncle Mike looks those cows. He's gonna be a Swiss bell ringer Don't you miss not being home for Christmas? Yeah, good old Patterson, New Jersey the biggest town in the country I got a Christmas card for my mother and Patterson from your mom. Yeah, what did she say? I'll read it Dear son Lewis, it is Christmas time again, and I sure miss you last night. I sat for three hours looking at your vacant chair Ain't that touching? That's beautiful. Read the rest of it. Then I went out to see your latest moving picture I should have stayed home and looked at your vacant chair There will always be a light burning for you in the window PS. I'm enclosing the electric bill Merry Christmas, Mr. Castel. I just saw your picture the whistle with a wagon death, and you were wonderful simply wonderful Where did you see it? I was standing in the lobby of the theater, and I watched the picture through a popcorn machine Oh For a popcorn machine. Yes, and you'd be surprised. How much better you look with a little butter to pinch of salt That was a bit sniff you folks. Yeah Let him alone Lou. He's dying to be enacted. Well, he got his wish. He just started with that last joke Well, it's Susan Miller It's lucky you happen along Susan Castella don't know what to get his Aunt May for Christmas. Well, maybe I can help you Costello, why don't you get it one of those new facial kits one of those what? Costella Susan is suggesting that you buy Aunt May a kit. Why should I buy her a kit? Maybe someday she might have kits of her own Costella you tickle me you tickle me first. I'm Why don't you listen to Susan's suggestion? Come on. Tell her now. How about something for your Aunt May's hair? Does she have a snooze? Certainly. She's got a snooze. Well, is it a short snooze that hangs down over her back? No, it's a long snoot that hangs down over a chin Susan's trying to find out how she does her hair does she pile it up on top of her head? Or does she drop it down on her neck? She hangs it up in the closet Oh Does your Aunt May wear her hair off her face? Oh, it takes too long to wear it off. She has to pull it out with tweezers Costella's Aunt May is short and fat just like him. How much does your Aunt May weigh? 260 pounds with a girdle on. Well, how much does she weigh with it off? She's never been able to get it off You'll forget about your Aunt May, Costello. What did you get me for Christmas? Well, I'll give you a guess. It comes in a box, you wear it on your finger and it shines. What do you know? Nail polish again You can't preach Susan that way. She's a very vain girl. For Christmas you should get her something that will appeal to her vanity Okay, I'll get her a furter duster for a bedroom. Will that appeal to her? No, but it will tickle her vanity. Bye Costello, is that any way you talk on Christmas Eve? Oh, I'm glad you reminded me of it All the kids all over the country are waiting for me to tell them a Christmas story Now once upon a time, what is the story about? It's about two pages long Look, I don't need no help from you Abbott, so don't interrupt me while I'm telling it I'll keep your mouth shut Why don't you take a walk through the park and show the squirrels what a real nut looks like? Tell your story Now Scrooge was waiting in his office for his old partner Marley, but Marley didn't show up He had a broadcast. Marley had a broadcast? Yes, didn't you ever hear Fibber McGee and Marley? No I have to know the story Costello and Marley was not Fibber's partner He was Scrooge's partner Oh, I know that they were partners for years like Burns and Durante, Loma Namus, and Hope and Costello Now wait a minute Costello, you've got that off. You've got that all mixed up. Believe me. It's better that way Hope and Costello Costello, you've been working with me for ten years Wait till Hope hears about this. You dummy Hope has been using Coloma for years. He must smell pretty good by now You know, I sprinkle that stuff on myself. I use the imported kind, not your belly. No, just a little dab behind each ear He started to tell the story of Scrooge. Now you've got Scrooge in the oven. Now continue Well, one day Scrooge's nephew came over to the office and said Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge. Why don't you come over to my house for Christmas dinner? Scrooge got mad. He grabbed his nephew by the neck and threw him out into the snow and the nephew started crying Please, please, Uncle Scrooge. It's cold out here in the snow. I'm freezing. I've got no shoes Scrooge opened the window and laughed If you're cold, take this match and give yourself a hot foot Then the nephew said, please, please, Uncle Scrooge, let me in. And Scrooge laughed And the nephew cried No, hi And it's Scrooge's laugh. Hello And then the nephew cried Wait a minute, wait a minute, Costella. Wait a minute. What are you doing? I'm acting Abbott If my mother hadn't cut my curls off when I was a baby, I'd have been another Bet Davis Shame on you, Costella. Come out here on a Christmas Eve and take a beautiful story like Dickens Dickens Christmas carols and twisted into an inane senseless conglomeration of gibberish. Tell me, tell me why, why, why do you do these things? Oh, why my bad? evident Costella will be back with more of their antics in just a moment, but first listen to this Let me tell you a bit more about the Tony Martin show Which will follow Bing Crosby and ABC's great lineup of shows next Wednesday night and every Wednesday night thereafter For wonderful music, there will be songs by Tony Martin plus beautiful melodic Interpretation by lovely Evelyn Knight with the Victor Young Orchestra and the Jeff Alexander chorus in the comedy department You'll roar over the hilarious antics of Alan Young as he jumps from one riotous predicament to another Yes, the Tony Martin show featuring Alan Young with Evelyn Knight, the Victor Young Orchestra, the Jeff Alexander chorus and Jimmy Wellington is a welcome addition to the great lineup of shows heard over most ABC stations Wednesday night Vox Pop, mayor of the town, starring Lionel Barrymore, Abedin Costello, Bing Crosby And another newcomer to the lineup, the Groucho March show For wonderful Yuletide listening later tonight, be sure not to miss the Bing Crosby Christmas show And now back to ABC's Abedin Costello show And now here is the Vicious Susan Miller with Matty Malnick and his orchestra Are you listening in the laze of the Christmas? A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland, gone away is the bluebird He sings a love song as we go along, walking in a winter wonderland In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he's Tarzan Brown He'll say, are you married? We'll say, no, the face unafraid is the plant that we've made Walking in a winter wonderland, in the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he's Tarzan Brown He'll say, are you married? Walking in a winter wonderland Costello, who dragged that tree in here? I did, that's our Christmas tree You dummy, that's not a Christmas tree, that's an orange tree I wondered why the ornaments were so juicy Costello, isn't your mother going to hang your stocking on the fireplace? I told her not to, last year she hung my stockings upside down And Christmas morning I had a terrible headache Oh wait a minute, how could hanging your stocking upside down give you a headache? She forgot to take me out of them Talk sense please, all our friends will be here soon for our Christmas party Now uh, better light a fire in the fireplace Here, throw this gasoline on the log, they've started Nothing doing, I ain't throwing no gasoline in the fireplace, my brother did that once What happened? Haven't you read his book, 30 Seconds Over Tokyo? Well, I hope you got presents for everybody Oh sure, I even got my sister's baby at Toy Rhinoceros Rhinoceros? You can't even spell Rhinoceros So what, show me a Rhinoceros that can spell Costello What else did you get the baby? An electric Indian blanket Now wait a minute, what good is an electric Indian blanket for a baby? Well if he kicks at night, it sends up smoke signals What did you get, what did you get your nephew Bobby? Something to help in this geography class Uh, one of those uh, statistical graphs that indicate topographical elevations and depressions according to the longitudinal and latitudinal hemispheric zones You mean map? Isn't it funny, I can never think it out word Did I say something wrong? No, Costello What did you do with that present I gave you last year? It's in the cellar Abbott, I don't like those electric lawn mowers Lawn mowers? You idiot, that was an electric razor No wonder it took me three months to mow the front lawn Well, never mind that, did you send out all the party invitations? Sure, I even sent one to my cousin Vincent Varelo, the famous builder Vincent Varelo? What did he ever build? A tunnel through the mountains to Glendale Now instead of taking an hour, people can get to Glendale in five minutes That's good, what's good about it? You still can't get nobody to go to Glendale What else, what else did he build? What else did he build? Well, he's building some of those new well-built California apartment houses He started on it yesterday When will it be finished? Thursday He started a California apartment house on Tuesday and it will be finished Thursday Yeah, the reason it takes so long is that men won't work on Christmas He's only gonna rent a veteran, each apartment is 175 dollars a month Castella, what veteran can afford to pay a rent of 175 dollars a month? General Myers Never mind that, what other relatives did you invite here for Christmas? My uncle Jim Kelly, the famous feria He's the guy that crossed the beaver with a kangaroo and a chip pan-z How did it work out? He now has fur coats with pockets that hang themselves in the closet Now that's ridiculous Yeah, my uncle Jim is also working on another experiment He's breeding a Plymouth rock hens with clay pigeons What for? To get chickens who can lay bricks There's the mailman, Castella, let him in Merry Christmas, Castella There's a lot of packages here for you They're all from movie stars Now how do you know? Well, when you've been delivering packages as long as I have You can tell by the smell who they're from Are you fine? By the smell Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Now, what if you even smell them, lady? Let me know about that Oh, now you take this one You take it, I've smelled enough of that Can't you take that letter, I don't want it Wait a minute, let's find out if he's telling the truth What is that? This here package is from Lina Turner Now this one is from Hedy Lamar And this one, well, what do you know? You got one from Trigger You think I'm emailing them? No, nothing for you But here's a bottle of perfume somebody says to wife The directions say put one drop behind each ear before leaving the house Abbott, three drops and your wife will be ready to go out Castella, my wife hasn't got three ears I should know I kiss her behind the ear every morning You've got to That's where her lips are Hey, Mr. Abbott, I hear your wife is gonna have her face lifted Oh, the doctor did lift her face Yes, and when he saw what was underneath, he dropped it again Never mind that, Castella This is Christmas Eve Give the mailman a nighknot Oh, thanks, and put a little bourbon in it Why? Well, the eggnog gives me strength And the bourbon? That gives me an idea of what to do with the strength What a wonderful night Christmas Eve is, Castella, don't you think? Yes Think of it, all over the world people have trimming Christmas trees I can just see them, yeah In France, I see an old man, he's trimming a Christmas tree And Belgium might see a gang of kids, they're trimming a Christmas tree In Pismo Beach, I see a boy and a girl, they're... Well, everybody can't be trimming Christmas trees Castella, you look tired Why don't you run upstairs and take a nap till the crowd gets here? I'm scared to go upstairs, Abbott Last night I was up there all alone and I thought I heard a girl's voice coming from the hall I was afraid to look, right? I was afraid nobody would be there There you go, talking about girls again Why not? I've been going with girls since I was in a third grade Third grade? How could you have known anything about girls at that age? I was 19 Take a nap and I'll put the tinsel on the tree Say, by the way, where did you get this tinsel? At the five and tinsel scent store And while we're trimming a tree, Abbott, put that red and green traffic light on top Castello, where did you steal that traffic light? At the corner of Hollywood and Vine Wasn't anybody watching? Don't be silly, who watches traffic lights in California? Well, Abbott, I think I'll take a nap in the bookcase Why don't you lie down on the bed? I can't, it's full of books Oh, all right, it's kind of chilly in here Better put on your pajama tops What? Your tops, your tops Abbott, you're pretty nice yourself Well, I'll take a little nap now I think I'll go in the kitchen and sleep in the bread box No, no, you dummy, the bread box is full of crumbs Abbott, what is your family doing in my bread box? Lay down on the sofa and go to sleep Okay Good night, Abbott Good night Wake me up if anybody comes Who's the room so creepy? Abbott, I don't think nobody is coming to our party I'll put on my Santa Claus suit We'll hop in my sleigh and drive over to Susan Miller's house Gee, I can't wait to climb down her chimney I'll get the sleigh and hitch up my fog deer That's reindeer That's fog deer, this is California Who's that fat guy with the white whiskers in a red suit coming over here? Well, well boys, very Christmas I'm Santa Claus Gee, Abbott, that's Santa Claus Look at his reindeer Dancer, prancer, dunder, Blitzen and Vrushinsky Wait a minute, how did Vrushinsky get into that in there with Santa Claus's reindeer? He figures if Santa Claus has given anything away he's going to see that Russia gets hers Santa Claus, would you like to hear me recite my Christmas poem? Why, go right ahead, young feller It was the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a cockroach Hey, wait a minute, that's not cockroach that's mouse You don't know your pole You don't know my house Client, Santa Claus Have you got a present for Costello? Well, Costello, I'm sorry I can't give you a present this year but being that you're here on the roof of Susan Miller's house wearing a Santa Claus suit I'm going to let you deliver her present here Gee, thanks, Santa Claus Well, goodbye and a merry of... merry of... merry of... Christmas Thanks, I can never remember that word Gee, that's Santa Claus as a nice guy Come on, Abbott Let's slide down to Chimney and put Susan's present under her tree Okay, here we go Be careful now, Abbott It's awful dark in here and we've got to feel our way into the den where the Christmas tree is No, I can't see a thing How do we get into the den? Well, you can go through the door on the left or through the door on the right Or through the wall Here comes Susan Hello, boys What are you doing here? I thought you were having a big Christmas Eve party at your house I was, Susan I invited everybody but nobody showed up I guess nobody loves me anymore Santa Claus didn't even have a present for me All year long I've been mean to people I guess I brought it all on myself and I didn't mean to hurt nobody and I'm always in trouble Come on, wake up The folks are here Come on Look at it Everybody came to my party Boy, am I glad to see all you people I had a terrible dream I dreamed that nobody cared about me anymore I was dreaming of a slide I thought my princesses be In a few seconds, folks But first we want you to hear this You Abbott and Costello fans enjoy a good laugh So you'll be interested in the laugh show that will follow Bud and Lou next week The Groucho Marks Show Groucho's one of Radio's funniest ad libs if not the funniest and this program shows him off at his hilarious best It's an audience participation question and answer program that leaves the great comedian free to ad lib at Will at Will or any other contestant facing him He asks for plenty of laughs next week You'll want to hear the riotess Groucho Marks Show following Abbott and Costello in ABC's wonderful lineup of Wednesday night shows Next week too, we'll present another newcomer to the lineup heard over most of these ABC stations The Tony Martin Show That's next week But tonight, don't miss the great Bing Crosby Christmas show And stay tuned after tonight's Abbott and Costello program For coming up next is Radio's brightest new comic, Jack Parr And now back for a final word from ABC's Abbott and Costello show Abbott and Costello with a final word Well, Costello, time to wish everybody a Merry Christmas Yes, and we want to thank all our friends for listening And thanks for all the letters you're sending in for our Saturday morning kitscho Merry Christmas everybody Merry Christmas To everyone in Paterson, New Jersey and all over the world Merry Christmas And tonight is the time for another great Abbott and Costello show Produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanden Featuring Susan Miller and Maddie Maloney-Forkers This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until the same time next Wednesday And this is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company