 The Grape Nuts Flakes program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Do any of you know what a breakfast chiseler is? Well, he's a fellow who cuts corners on his morning meal. And so cheats himself out of the right kind of a start for a good day's work. Now, whether it's because you're in a hurry or because you want to eat lightly, the right answer to a quick, light, but all-around nourishing breakfast dish is Grape Nuts Flakes. They're always ready for breakfast before you are. And moldy, rich, toasty brown Grape Nuts Flakes make such an appetizing dish, you'll enjoy them right down to the last crisp flake. Then Grape Nuts Flakes have a stay with you quality, and they're a whole grain cereal full of all-around whole grain nourishment. So for a grand-to-eat breakfast treat, order delicious Grape Nuts Flakes at home or at your favorite restaurant, played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who sold more carnations in the Easter Parade this morning than any other vendor in the Los Angeles area, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny the florist talking. And Don, you're a little wrong there. I wasn't selling carnations in the Easter Parade. I was giving them away. Giving them away? Yes, every fellow that bought a gardenia for his girl got a free carnation for himself. You see, Don, I planted 10,000 carnations in my backyard to aid the war effort. Well, for heaven's sakes, Jack, how can carnations aid the war effort? My fortune teller told me I could make rubber out of them. I boiled them and boiled them, but they still don't bounce. Oh, that's the first time Princess Korsakov has ever failed me. Princess Korsakov? Well, I never heard of that fortune teller. Is she expensive? What'd you say, Don? I say, I never heard of Princess Korsakov as a fortune teller. Is she expensive? Well, Don, a private reading is a dollar, but if you order the 75 cent lunch and don't have dessert, it's free. It's a choice of deep dish apple pie or your future. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Firestone. All right, I thought I could make rubber. Anyway, Mary, as I was telling Don, that's the first time Princess Korsakov has failed me. Oh, that dame's full of baloney. She is, eh? Remember the time she said you were going to be the President of the United States? Never mind. You went out and had cards printed. Jack Benny, you voted for me. Quit beefing. Don't laugh. Don't laugh, Mary. I may still be President. Well, you ought to tell Roosevelt he might want to look around. Keep it up, Mary. Keep that up, and you won't be Secretary of Labor. Oh, you promised that to every girl in Hollywood. Well, you're off the list, young lady. And you can also tell that father of yours that the FBI can get along without him. That's a dirty trick. He sold bluing house to house to get a G-man badge and everything. Oh, that. Hello, Phil. Well, how are you, Phil? Say, that's a beautiful carnation. You having your butt in the hall? Where'd you get it? I bought a gardenia for Alice on the boulevard this morning, and the sweetest little old lady with a shawl overhead gave me this carnation for nothing. Well, I have a surprise for you, Phil. That little old lady was me. That makeup kind of fooled you, didn't it? Incorumable. Well, it fooled Herbert Marshall, too. When I gave him his change, he pressed it back in my hand and said, bless you. Gosh, it made tears come to my eyes. Well, he didn't fool Jack Oakey. He lifted your skirt and rolled your pants down. He's just a smart alec, that's all. Hey, Mr. Benny, what do you think of my new... Oh, hello. Hello, Dennis. Hello. Well, kid, did you have a nice Easter? Yeah, my mother gave me a basket with two chocolate rabbits in it. Two chocolate rabbits? Pretty soon I'll have hundreds of them, won't I? No use waiting, I gotta have a talk with that kid. Hey, Dennis, that's a nice suit you're wearing. Is that your new Easter outfit? Yeah, do you like it? Oh, it's swell. But what's that big lump in the back? My tailor, he's still working on it. That's been on every program in the last three months, sir. Well, Dennis, if you tell your tailor to get out, you can do your song now. Okay. Hold it a minute, kid. Hey, Jackson, what's this I hear about Rochester's horse running in the Kentucky Derby next Saturday? Is that a fact? Yes, Phil, but I'd rather not talk about it. Sing, Dennis. Well, imagine Rochester having a horse in the Kentucky Derby. Well, it's really that old nag that used to pull my buggy around. I sold it to Rochester for four dollars. Four dollars? Yes. You sold Rochester a horse for four bucks that's good enough to run in the Kentucky Derby? I thought he was gonna have a barbecue. I never dreamed he'd put a jockey on it. Anyway, that same horse under the name of Burnt Cork is running for over $50,000 in the Derby Saturday. But I made a mistake. I don't mind. You don't mind? Then why did you try to drown yourself in your pool yesterday? I wasn't trying to drown myself. You always go in swimming with a manhole cover around your neck? That was my dog tag from the last war in New York. Oh, well, I sold a thoroughbred for four dollars. It's my loss, so let's forget it. Well, Jack, what about your fortune teller, Princess Horsikov? Didn't she see race horse in your tea leaves? No, just rubber and president. You better snap out of it or I'll start eating somewhere else. I'll start eating somewhere else. Oh, well, I sold a thoroughbred for four dollars. You better snap out of it or I'll start eating somewhere else. Go ahead and sing, Dennis. Hold it, kid. That's probably Rochester. He's been hending around all week about going to the Kentucky Derby. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. This is Rochester. Rochester, if you're calling about getting time off to go to the Kentucky Derby, the answer is no. Oh, I forgot all about the Derby. That was just a silly whim of mine. Good. But I was wondering, boys, my sister, but dear, he is getting married. And if it's all right with you, I'd like to attend the ceremony. Getting married, eh? Where does your sister live? Louisville. I thought so. Now, Rochester, don't pull that stuff. Your sister, Badelia, lives in Chicago. That's my sister, Badulia. This one's Badelia. Oh, Badelia and Badulia. Isn't that unusual, two sisters having names that are so much alike? Oh, that's nothing. I got a brother named Ruchester. Ruchester, Rochester, Badulia, Badelia, you're not going to the Derby. That's Derby, boys. I don't care what it is. Now, look, Rochester, just because our horse is running in the Derby, that doesn't mean that... Our horse? Yes. I talked to my lawyer and he says that legally half of that horse belongs to me. Well, unless he backs over the finish line, my half is going to win. Rochester, regardless of the outcome, you're not going to Louisville. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, I'll try something else, Ruchester. Get your brother out of my house. Thing, Dennis, I got to call my lawyer. I wonder if I really do own half of that horse. I don't know. Not a highway. That's really a beautiful song. It's pretty old, too, isn't it, Mr. Benny? Yes, it is. Gosh, I remember when Al Jolson first introduced that song back in 1922. My father took me to the theater. Just a minute, Junior. In 1922, you were just as old as Al Jolson. What? My father took me to the theater. Don't give me that kid stuff. What do you mean, kid stuff? My father happened to be in New York. I was broke and he took me to the theater. That's all I said. Say. And another thing, young lady, don't ever say that I'm as old as Al Jolson. Go on. He even looks younger than you do. Well, naturally, he takes it easy. He works on his knees. I have to stand up to make him look younger. Anyway, let's forget about me for a while. Now, where were we? Oh, Jack, don't forget the play I wrote. Oh, yes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I have a special treat for all of you. Mr. Don Wilson, that eminent American playwright, has written another of his famous one-act dramas entitled, Love's Young Dreams. Take it, Mr. Wilson. The time is spring. The scene is a honeymoon cottage covered with ivy. It's the new home of Mr. and Mrs. Oliver J. Snodgrass, who have just eloped and been married. As we pick them up, the happy couple are just arriving at their little loveless for the first time. Curtain, music. Well, here we are, darling. 33 Maple Street, our own little home. Oh, it's beautiful, sweetheart. We'll be so happy here. Yeah. Gee, just think. 20 minutes ago, your name was Myrtle Moonfinkel. And now, and now... I'm a snot in the grass. That snot grass. Be our own little home. Well, let's go inside, honey. You go first, Myrtle. You go first, Oliver. I don't want to, you go first. No, you go first. No, honey, you go first. Oh, let's go in together. All right. Myrtle, stop! Gee, Myrtle, isn't it romantic eloping? Nobody knows we're married except us. Gosh, we're all alone. Oh, Oliver, I love you so much. And I love you too, darling. What's that? Phil's guitar player just fell off the stool. Get up, Frankie. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. And I love you too, darling. I'm sorry about that, Jackson. Shut up, I'm acting. And I love you too, darling. Thanks for the back theme. But what will your mother say when she finds out we're married? I don't care what she says. You're my moon, Myrtle, Finkel, and nothing... You're my Myrtle, Moon, Finkel. And nothing can part us. Come, darling, I'll show you all the rooms in the house. Oh, Oliver, it's about your mother. Please call her and tell her we're married. All right, darling, if she'll make you any happier, I will. Long distance, please. I want Mrs. Rosie Snodgrass and Sam Lewis of this world. Hurry, darling. Oh, Myrtle, you've made me the happiest man in the world. And we'll never be separated, will we? Never. Hello? Hello, Ma, this is Oliver. I got a surprise for you, Ma. What's that? No, no, I can't have breakfast with you tomorrow morning. I'm in Los Angeles. Well, gee, I'd have to leave here right away. Look, Ma, I have a surprise for you. You're having what? Tell her about us, Oliver. I will, I will. You're having what for breakfast? You are? Oh, boy, I'll be right home. Goodbye, Myrtle. I'll see you tomorrow morning. But, Oliver, we were just married. I can't help it. Mother's having great-nuts flakes for breakfast. Goodbye. Please, the moral of this story is, never start your honeymoon without great-nuts flakes. What happened to Myrtle Moon Pinkle may happen to you or you or you. So always insist on toasty brown sweet as in a great-nuts flakes, America's fastest-growing flake cereal. I thank you. John, that was one of the finest plays you've ever written. And I thought that my performance as the husband was... Now, who can that be? Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Oh, you again. What do you want? I just got a telegram from my uncle in Rockdale. Uh-huh. He's very ill and he wants me to come over there right away and give him a transfusion. Oh, your uncle's sick, eh? That's too bad. Yeah. By the way, where is Rockdale? About eight miles out of Louisville. I see. Well, Rochester, you seem to have a very heavy concentration of relatives in that area. And, besides, what makes you think you can fool me? I got the horse from you, didn't I? I don't care what you got. Now, look, Rochester, you're not going to the Kentucky Derby. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boys. Now what? How about, oh, this was too fantastic. I'll work on it and call you back. Don't bother. Imagine me selling that nice, that racehorse for four bucks. Oh, well, play, Phil. It was either Easter Parade or White Christmas played by Phil Harris and his orchestra. Which song was it, Phil? What's the difference? They were both written by Irving Berlin. That's not the point. I'd like to know. I have to announce the name of the song. Well, if you've got it, do it. Why don't you do it in double talk? You know, start it off something like this. Say, that was Thomas Fremont. That was Thomas Fremont. Played with a solid four. No fiddles. Now, Phil, look, Phil. Stop the kidding. This is important. Was that number White Christmas or Easter Parade? Well, the majority rules. Why don't you take a vote? That's an idea. I'll take a vote. Now, will all you boys who were playing White Christmas please raise your hand? How many hands? How many hands, Mary? Eight. Eight. Now, will all you boys who were playing Easter Parade please raise your hand? How many hands, Mary? Eleven. Eleven. That was Easter Parade. Played by Phil Harris and his orchestra, thus ending tonight's great mystery. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm kidding. Imagine me selling that race horse for four dollars. Oh, well, he can't win. That's one consolation. Now, ladies and gentlemen, What do you mean he can't win? There's a bunch that Burt Cork is going to come through. What do you say? We all chip in five bucks a piece and make a bet. Say, that's a good idea. Here's my five, Phil. Here's my five. Here's my, Mr. Harris. And now, ladies and gentlemen... How about you, reckless? Aren't you going to take a chance for five bucks? I'd love to, Mary, but I left my money in my other shoes. Anyway, I don't believe in gambling when there are minors present. But, Mr. Benny, I'm over 21. I mean coal miners. A lot of Phil's boys come from Scranton, Pennsylvania. Anyway, I'm not betting. Well, I'll tell you what, Jackson. I'm going to put five dollars on that horse's nose just for you. Well... And if that horse comes in the minute I get paid off, I'm coming over to your house with the money right in my hand. Well... If you reach for it, I'm going to break your arm. I knew there was a catch to that. How about you, Dennis? Would you like to bet five dollars for your Uncle Jack? You're always my uncle when money comes up. Well, I just thought it'd be nice if... Oh, forget it, kid. Forget it. That looks all right on paper, but will it work? Look, fella, I'm not throwing away any five bucks, and that's final. But, Jack... Let him alone, Don. Let him alone. If Jackson wants to save his dough, that's all right with me. After all, he's leaving it all to my kid. Now, you got that wrong, Phil. Your baby is a girl. My money goes to the first member of my cash, who has a boy, and names it after me. Does that go for me, too, Mr. Benny? Of course, Dennis. Gosh, I gotta find a girl, fall in love with her, marry her, have a baby, and it's gotta be a boy. I worry about things like that. Well, stop worrying. And now, ladies and gentlemen, say, I wonder if Rochester's horse has got a chance. Well, it's not a sure thing, but who knows about horse races? Yeah, who knows? Give me that phone, Mary. Yeah, yeah. Thanks. What are you calling, Jack? Princess Corsica. I never make a move without her. Hello? Hello, Boyle Heights Gypsy Tea Room. Boyle speaking. I... I'd like... I'd like to speak to Princess Corsica, please. The princess? She's out in the kitchen, washing dishes. Tell her to wipe her hands and come to the phone. This is important. Okay, Firestone. Hello? Hello, Princess? Oh, she isn't there yet. I wouldn't mind making a bet. Hello, Princess Corsica. Who's calling, please? Don't tell me I'll see it in the crystal. And never mind, Princess. This is Benny. Who? Benny, Jack Benny. Oh, the president! Thank you. Now, Princess, I'm calling you about the Kentucky Derby. I knew it wouldn't look good. No, no, it's a horse race, the Kentucky Derby. Now, Princess, it's very important that I know which horse is going to win. Wait, I'll look in my crystal ball. Okay, look. I see a big crowd of the people. Yes? They're frantic, they're excited, they're cheering. Yes, yes. Alabama's kicking off. That's the Rose Bowl Day! That was three years ago. Look again, Princess. I see people watching a horse race. That's it, that's it, that's the Derby. Now, tell me, Princess, what's the name of the winning horse? It's Brent Cork, and he's coming in backwards. Then my half is winning! Thank you, Princess. I'll be in for lunch tomorrow. Any advice? Yeah, don't order the meatloaf. Thank you. Goodbye. Well, fellas, it's all said. Brent Cork is going to win the Derby. Then give me five bucks, Jackson, and you're in with it. Nothing to do, and I'm going to bet $50, and I'm sending Rochester to Louisville. You get better odds at the track. I'll call them right now. Yes, sir. But, Mr. Benny, I thought you didn't gamble. Shut up. Besides, I know who's going to win. Is that gambling? Anyway, Dennis, hello? Benny's rubber plantation, keep them bouncing. Rochester, listen, Mr. Benny, I got good news for you. You can go to Louisville. I can? Yes, and I want you to take $50 out of my money and bet it on Brent Cork to win. $50? By the way, where are you keeping your money this week? As if you didn't know. No, I've looked all over! Now listen, Rochester, listen carefully. You know the big candelabra we've got on the dining room table? Uh-huh. Well, melt the third candle from the left, and you'll find a key. Uh-huh. Then take the key, go into the kitchen, and unlock the cupboard. Uh-huh. There's a big jar there on the second shelf that says peanut butter. Dig down in the peanut butter, take out $50, rinse it off, and bet it on your horse. And remember, bet it to win, not the place, not the show. Bet 50 bucks on Brent Cork to win! I've been penny-wise and point-cruely from the shop these days. What you can be penny-wise and point-wise, too, if you ask your grocer for grape nuts flakes, in the big 12-ounce economy-sized package. Now here's why. One, you don't part with a single precious ration stamp when you buy. Two, crisp toasty-brown grape nuts flakes are a real breakfast treat. Three, they're a whole grain cereal, one type of food in the basic seven, recommended in Uncle Sam's nutrition program, so you get grand nourishment for your money. Four, if you always buy grape nuts flakes in the large economy size instead of the smaller size, you save up to 14 cents on every dollar spent. Not only that, but the large size package brings you up to 16 servings of grape nuts flakes for only about a penny a serving. So penny or point-wise, it's wiser to ask for the big package of grape nuts flakes. That was the last number of the 30th program of the new grape nuts flakes series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. And just think, Mary, by this time next Sunday, I'll know whether Rochester's horse is one or not. Yeah, you'll either be swimming with a manhole cover around your neck or rolling on the dance floor. It's zero. Yeah, the suspense is awful. Good night, both. That's the new program written by Bill Marlowe and Ed Ballard.