 And now, introducing that sculptor, painter, and the chiseler, Mr. Jack Benny. Hello again, this is Jack Benny Chiseling. Er, talking. And, uh, say, listen, Wilson, let's get a couple of things straightened out. I don't like those introductions you keep giving me. Oh, you don't. No, I mean, I didn't like that word chiseler. No, give me that dictionary in a minute. Well, let me see, uh, chiseler, chis, chis, here it is, chiseler, a parasite, a person with no morals. Oh, well, that's all right, Wilson. I thought you were accusing me of carving statues. You know, I got to- Of course not. No, you know, Wilson, you and I have been together five weeks now, and I can't tell who's the comedian on this program. No, really, I'm afraid this show isn't big enough for both of us. That's what I think, Jack. Where do you want your mail sent? I got them that time, folks, did I? Er, yes, sir. At that, I like you, Don, even though you wouldn't give a dime to see Venus De Milo play piano. Oh, I didn't know she played. But don't get me wrong, Jack, you know, I paid the tax a fair over tonight. The meter was 60 cents and I paid it. Say, what are you kicking about? A good meter is worth 60 cents, you know? And by the way, Jack, before I forget it, thanks for those two passes you've got me for a central park. Oh, don't mention it, Don, really. You know, anytime you want to walk down Fifth Avenue, let me know. I can take this, you know? Say, by the way, Wilson, what nationality are you, anyway? Well, my mother was Irish, and my father's Scott. Oh, you have Scott's and Irish blood, no? Oh, now I remember when we went to dinner together the other night. Your Irish blood wanted to pick up the check, and your Scott's blood interfered. I remember that. Oh, hello, Mary. You look tired. Where have you been? No, I just came from a dance. I danced four hours and I hate it. I thought you liked dancing? No, all it is is a lot of hugging with music. Well, Mary, didn't you enjoy yourself? No, you know how I hate music. Oh, yes, yes. I can imagine. Say, I went to a dance last night myself, you know, one of those places, you know, there's 10 cents to dance in. How much did you make? No, Mary, listen, wait a minute, the girl, the girl gets the 10 cents. Oh. What kind of dance, Mary? Well, I like waltzes, crocs, crocs, chocolate, vanilla and raspberries. The last one is a nice dance, yes. Hello, Bessie, did I sing my song yet? No, Parker. Well, then I'll wait around. Oh, hello, Frank. What are you doing here so soon? I just came from a dance. Well, that fits our routine of talk. Yes. What kind of a dance? 10 cents a dance, but it only cost me a nickel. Why? I dropped rumours in one leg. See, I don't get the point. Isn't that funny? Very funny, Mary. Say, Jack, I gather from your conversation that you are discussing such a call. Has Don Bester again voted? You know, Don is an orchestra leader, you should know all the dances. What are the latest dances? Well, I should say that the Chim Chams Chimmy and the Uptown Lodon. Oh. I like the Tapioca better. Tapioca. Tapioca? Yes, it's a great dance and makes well-putting, too. Oh, she means karaoke. Have it your own way, you little cut-off. Say Wilson. Wilson, Elizabeth, you ever dance? Oh, occasionally. Well, Don, then, Mary, you asked him what his favorite dance is. I haven't got the heart. What's your favorite dance, Chuck? The General Tire Glide with an unskipped movement of the silent safety press. It runs on 40% less air than any other tire and gives your car a perfect rhythm. Paging, Jack, Benny, paging, Jack, Benny. Here I am, play, Don. That was Terry Oker from the motion picture Flying Down a Real, played by Don Bester and his blow-out proof of tears. Oh, boy, am I hot tonight. Well, here's a call-a-gram. Maybe two or three. Who can that be from? Well, well, it's my old friend Sam Friedman in Louisville, Kentucky. Here's what he says. Big crowd here for Kentucky Derby. Hotels all filled. What a mob. They came by plane, railroad, and thousands rolled in by... What's this, Wilton? I can't make it out. Let's see, Jack. Oh, boy, am I hot tonight. Well, here's a call-a-gram. Maybe five cents. What? That'll do, y'all. Let's see, Jack. General Pires, I think. That was my call-a-gram. What's that call-a-gram all about, Jack? Well, it's my old friend Sam, you know, the fellow that gives me a tip every year on the Derby. He's right on the ground, you know, get this. He says, um, I've been watching the work out and I don't see how cavalcade can lose. However, Mata Harry will take all the honors if Sir Thomas doesn't beat him. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Sergeant Byrne wins the race. How's that for a tip, fellas? He also says that agrarian, speedmoor, and singing would might upset the dope. And there's a horse called Bazaar that also has four legs. Don't forget to play these horses as they can't lose. You're pal Sam. Well, we can't go wrong, fellas. They gave me so many good horses, I don't know which to play. Yes, Bester, who do you like in the Derby? Well, I like cavalcade. Why, Don? Well, I saw the picture, it's very good. Well, that's a good hunch. Are you going to bet on them? Who's riding? Noel Coward. A great jockey. Yeah, see, he also rode designed for living, you know. Mary, Mary, who do you like in the Derby? Don Bester, I think he looks cute in the Derby. Mary, Mary, when will you stop telling old jokes? When Don Bester stopped wearing old Derby. Oh. Look at that hat he's got on now. He doesn't always wear it, Mary. He's just breaking it in for his trombone, you know. Hey, Parker, who do you like in the Derby? I like singing wood. You singers certainly stick together, don't you? Hey, Jack, where do all those horses get their names? Well, Mary, the cavalcade is named after a picture. He's so as mad as Harry. And Sergeant Byrne is named after a police sergeant. And Bazaar, well, you know what a bazaar is. Yeah, every woman wears one. Well, that's where they get their names. Well, what about that telegram, Jack? Aren't you going to make a bet? Say, I haven't missed a Derby yet. Give me that phone. Hello? Hello, operator, give me Circle 79970. Hello? Hello, is this you, Tom? Yeah. This is Jack Benny. I want to place a bet on the Derby. What do you want? Two dollars on Cavalty. The win or play? The show. Okay. Oh, well, Steve Brody took a chance, you know. Say, Jack, I'd like to take half of your bet. Okay, best for you to take half. That makes it a dollar a piece. Say, can I get another two, Jack? Sure, Parker. You can have half of mine. That'll be 50 cents a piece. Brother, can you share a dime of that, Mary? Okay, Mary. Say, Jack, where'd you make that bet? Circle 79970. Give me that phone. Hey, best for you, you must have a tip on something. I think so. Hello, operator, give me Circle 79970. Right. Hello, is this you, Tom? Yeah. This is Don Wilson. General Tire, straight, place, and show. Okay. Who's riding them? All the smart automobile owners. Okay, Tom, goodbye. Hey, listen, I hope your jockey is non-skid. Well, if we all made our bet, singing would. I mean, Frank Parker will sing Cocktails for Two from the motion picture Murder and the Vanity. Play, Madda Harry. I mean, Don. Say, Jack, Jack, what are you so nervous about? What's the matter with you? Well, you know I got 40 cents on Cavill's gig. Let's see that racing form, will ya? That was Frank Parker singing Cocktails for Two from the motion picture Murder and the Vanity. And now, ladies and gentlemen, last week, if you remember, we started our new series of plays with that stirring melodrama, The Lure of the City. And the following day, the Daily News gave us one and two fifth stars, which is equivalent to 138 in golf. And here is what Damon Runyon said about our last play. The yank with Ruth in the lineup and Cosetti at short could be on top at the end of the season. And here's what Admiral Byrd said about our play. I expect to remain at the South Pole another year, and it is quite cold today, regardless of my friends. Well, anyway, ladies and gentlemen, we have many more of these testimonials to numerous to read. So tonight, by popular demand, we are staging that immoral, or immortal melodrama, the Hills of Old Kentucky, or Indiana, for that matter, anyplace, but as a hill, because after all, a hill is a hill, you know. We have the original All-Star cast here tonight who first appeared in this play at the Old Bijou Theater. Many of you old-timers will remember how, after the first performance, this cast was hit over the head with the Pulitzer Prize. You may also recall the plot of this drama, how the Diddleberries carried on a hundred-year-old feud with the Van Swift. This went on for years and years, however, a Diddleberry crossed the path of a Van Swift, or vice-a-versa. Another knot was added to the guns of Versa-Vica. Incidentally, folks, I play the part of Old Man Van Swift. Mary will play my daughter, Elvira, and Don Wilson, who's quite a big fellow, will play one of the hills. Yeah, maybe you can get Edwin C. Hill to play it. Well, the more hills the merrier. Let's get ready. Don, play something while we put on our boots, you know. That was a Hill Billy Medley played by Don Vester and his mountaineers. Your ears aren't so small either. Don, you don't. You don't get the thought, Donald. And now for our dramatic offering, the Hills of Old Kentucky, or Indiana, or any place. Curtain, music, Don. He came rolling down the mountain, he came rolling down the mountain, he came rolling down the mountain, he came from up high. And did she slip, she didn't, cause her tires were non-skitten. And that's a general idea. Besides, I'm a tire to live in the New Year Hills. I don't see why we can't move to Louisville or Parris. Parris, Frank? Where's Cannes-Tuckers? Why don't we move on out of here, Pappy? Someday, Alvireys, but not until the last for them Diddle Berries are gone. Well, all I can say is these hills are pretty terrible for French hills, too. But we can't leave Alvireys, not until those Diddle Berries are wiped out. Gee, Pappy, what do they all do to us? It's not blackface, Mary Hillbilly. Gee, Pappy, what do they do to us? A long, long story. Much before your time, doctor, was way back in 1830 when the first Diddle Berry family moved to these parts and annoyed Wee Un. What? Wee Un. That's where Van Swift were here first, headed by your great-great-grandpappy, old Lemuel Van Swift. Well, one day old Lim caught high Diddle Berry a cheatin' at Solitaire. And that was the beginning of the fuse. And it's been a goin' on ever since. There are only five of us left and two of them, so you can see it's pretty even. Nye ain't a goin' to leave here till every Diddle Berry is buried. I reckon that's a pretty long time to carry a grudge a hundred years. Shucks Alvire, that ain't nothin'. We hate people up here in these hills for no reason at all. It's just a racket. Well, Pappy, I reckon I'm a goin' to skip down a village now and see a picture picture. Yeah, what picture is goin' down there this week? Francis X Bushman. Well, it's about time they gave us some of that new stuff. You better be careful, Pappy, while I'm a goner. The Diddle Berry will get you. They better be careful. Goodbye, Alvire. Goodbye, Pappy. And don't take any lead bullets. He came rollin' down the mountain. He came rollin' down the mountain. Who's that? It's me, Lim. Come on in. Well, if it ain't Zeke Bester. What are you doin' here, Zeke? I'm a mountain William, too. A mountain William? You mean a hillbilly, don't you, son? Yeah, if you want to use slang. You ought to wear boots with that full dress suit, Zeke. Well, I didn't know I was comin' here. Say, Zeke, you never met my old woman, have you? No. Well, I want you to meet her. She's Annie. Annie wants you to meet Zeke Bester. Well, I have to know you. And don't expect anything to eat, cause you won't get anything. I don't want anything to eat. Well, you look hungry. Don't mind her, Zeke. She's always a clownant. Shut up. What's the matter, Alvire? I was climbing up the hill and one of them Diddle Berry stopped me. What did he say, gal? He said you wasn't set to sleep with your pigs. He did, eh? And what did you tell him? I told him you've been sleeping with pigs all your life, and not one of them complained. And he wouldn't believe you, eh? Give him our rifle. I'll show him what a Diddle Berry can install a van quid. Well, Cappy, don't. They're meaner than skunks. And trickier. Yes, Cappy. And they'll kill you, eh? Not to me, eh? Out of my way, Alvire. There they are, now us sittin' on their porch. The rats take that, ya skunk. Quick, away from that window, gal. They might return us. They did. Alvire, hop on that old mare, right in the town, get the rest of us van quid. The horse is gone already. Get the next one in the town. Wait a minute, drummer. Give her a chance to get on the horse. Okay. Goodbye, Cappy. It's a fine way to advertise General Tires. Here's the Q-guard that window. Wherever you see a Diddle Berry fire. Duck's limb. Well, it was an old hat, anyway. Must be Alvire, ya comin' back with the boy. Here they are, Cappy. Luke Clammin' Zim. Where's Clam? He joined the Diddle Berries. He must be payin' him more money. Come on in, boys. Hi, Lim. What's all the ruckus goin' around around here? What's the matter, Lim? Pute is on again, boys. There are five of us van-swipped here, and we can whip him. But we gotta stick together. Right, Lim. Want somethin' to eat before you start fightin'? Yeah, we'll start. Hey, Annie, fry five eggs. Five eggs comin' up. Make that four eggs, Annie. Well, there are only four of us van-swipped left, and we gotta stick together. Watch that window, Clam. Luke, you guard that door. And if you want me, I'll be in Kansas City. Three eggs, Annie. Well, there are three of us left, and we gotta stick together. How do you watch those eggs? On toast. Make it two. All right, Clam. You and I are left all alone now, and we gotta stick together. You said it, Cappy. Oh! Well, it looks as though I'll have to eat alone. Oh, they got me, Pappy. They got me. So long, Clam. And don't worry about it. I don't mind us goin', Pappy. There's only one thing I'll regret. What's that, son? That I wasn't blow-off proof like the General Tire. Oh, Pappy. That dirty rat. I'll show him a shootin' down all my tin. High Lemuel Vance Whiff has gotta stick together. Oh, yes, Annie. One egg. Annie doesn't live here anymore. Dump-da-dee-da-dump-da-dump-da-dump. Ooh, they got me. Pappy. Pappy. I'm a-goin', Elvire. I'm a-goin'. Don't worry, Pappy. I'll eat the egg. General, with the new Silent Safety Tread, is America's smartest tire. They have the final touch of style to any car. Your new car deserves the best, though. Why not let the General Tire dealer arrange to put blow-off proof generals on your new car? The additional cost is slight. You'll enjoy that feeling of security no matter how fast you drive. Remember, General is the patented blow-off proof tire and is sold only by the General Tire dealer. If you're looking for real bargains, you'll find them there, too. Next, full of new and used tires that have been exchanged for blow-off proof generals. The last number of the fifth program is the new General Tire series. We'll be with you again next, and I hope all of you have enjoyed our little feud tonight. I'm thinking of feud. There are very few automobile owners who will not agree that the General blow-off proof tire is the best that money can buy. Can buy them at their own General's? Yes, thank you, Jack. You're welcome, Don. I'm hungry. Good night, folks. This is Don Wilson. This is the nice little broadcasting company.