 It's not that people that have health issues or contentious acts or problems with work or problems with family members or what not aren't deserving of a relationship. The real question is, so this past weekend I was on a boy's trip with three of my oldest mates that I've known for 35 plus years. And what was interesting about this is two of the men are, have been married for over 25 years and one, we were all in each other's wedding. One of them has been divorced for not quite as long as I have and he's in a relationship right now. And I decided to pick these guys brains and I was thinking to myself, what makes them stay in and what makes a guy leave? So I want to lean into this conversation of what causes a man to stop making efforts, stop chasing, stop pursuing you. So what's interesting of the two married guys, I was thinking to myself, these guys would be such fish out of water if they got divorced now. Thankfully, they're happily married and ladies, let me just say this, for many of you who do not believe that there are good men out there, there is an abundance of good men out there. There really are. Okay. At the same time, these good men, if they were actually in the dating marketplace today, as I said a moment ago, I think these guys would be a fish out of water because they wouldn't have any clue how to date. It's been over 25 years for them. They wouldn't even know what internet dating is like. And I'm sure many of you have filled the same way. Many of you are in this position of having to do something contrary to what you were raised with. And I know speaking for myself, I know when I joined the realms of single after divorce, this thing called online dating, what the heck was that? And in some ways, I thought this was an easy way to meet a person. And I was in for a big surprise. In fact, that's what led me to my profession. I'm grateful that it's put me in a position to be able to help people. And so, but coming back to the one person who is in a relationship, he's divorced in a relationship. We were talking about one of his previous relationships and why it ended. And what he said to me was in the beginning of the relationship, there was all these good things about the relationship. As he got to know this person and as the relationship began to progress, the bad started to outweigh the good. The bad started to outweigh the good. And I know many of you have probably experienced the same thing. You've been in a relationship where the bad begins to outweigh the good, but you feel stuck. You feel as though you have no choice but to stick it out. Some people even double down on these types of relationship. And I can share with you, he even felt that he stayed a four year relationship, he's probably stayed three and a half years too long. And I guess you might have felt the same way. So, you know, as a coach, my job is to help you do a better job of choosing people like those first two guys I spoke of, those guys that are in fully committed relationships, happily in love with their wives. And they don't have to worry about the dating marketplace and the mess it is right now. Because as I say frequently, it is a shit show out there because we're dealing with rather dysfunctional human beings. That's right. The reality is, is for those of us in midlife, which I always say is after baby making years and before retirement, it's a quite, it's a shit show out there dating. It is very complicated to meet somebody who's aligned with your values, who is compatible with your lifestyle. And more importantly, they have the emotional maturity to lean into a relationship. This is why I began a coaching practice. And if you aren't familiar with the I am a coach, I help women do a better job of vetting men. And if you need help with that, check out the link right here to see right there, free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. I teach you which questions you should ask a guy to determine if he's right for you and more importantly, his emotional maturity. Now, if I come back to my two friends who are married, I think they're both emotionally mature. And yet they probably don't have, I'm going to suspect this because they've only been with each one of them is literally only been with one significant person their entire life. All they know is that. And yet today, the importance of having emotional maturity and relationship skills to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship, most importantly, conflict resolution skills. But I'm going off on a tangent here because this detracts from where I was going in this conversation and what causes a man to stop pursuing and stop chasing you. Well, as I said in the beginning, we oftentimes enter into relationship with all the good and oftentimes it's the chemistry that drives the relationship. And if you're not familiar with my, my relationship iceberg chart, you can see here, attraction is based on chemistry. That's above the waterline below the waterline is compatibility. I said this earlier, shared values, blendable lifestyle and more importantly, emotional maturity. See, we humans tend to focus on the, the attraction piece, the good piece. And yet as a relationship begins to become seasoned, we're dealing with, does this person's values really align with mine? Does this person's lifestyle align with mine? I know many of you have invested months, if not years in a long distance relationship and you have no clue as to whether or not this relationship will actually align for you. I know you know, most of you know, I was in a long distance relationship that long distance didn't last very long until we decided to make a commitment with each other and move in together. So it wasn't really a long distance relationship for very long. In fact, all we had to do was drive to each other's airports as far as the distance is concerned. So, so I started to think what does, when does that point of the good starts to, the bad starts to outweigh the good. And today we're dealing with another challenging issue. And that is, dating is a relatively new phenomena. It's only probably have been around, quite frankly, half a century. Before that, people made it rather quickly with one other, even my girlfriends, parents got, they got engaged, I believe, they eloped 12 days after knowing each other, 12 days. That wasn't uncommon 60, 70, 80 years ago. Today, we go through a vetting process, we go through a dating process to get to know someone. And I want you to think about this. This drastically changes from those who are in their 20s and 30s versus those of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s, because we come to the table with a lot more luggage in our lives. We might have children, we might have a contentious ex. All of this plays into a part of whether or not we can really be compatible with another human being. So going, and because we're dating, we're oftentimes, a lot of people aren't capable of full commitment. I want you to think of this, a lot of people aren't capable of full commitment. If you're not familiar with my other chart, and I'm sorry that it's not fancy, but I talk about the three types of people who are actively dating. And I want you to can see here, my first category, by the way, this is not a fact that's merely an opinion. The first category are users. These are the people in it for the short run. They're the love bombers, the players, the gold diggers, the entitled people, the selfish people only care about themselves. I say that's roughly 20% of the population. I'm sure most of you think it's more than that. Then I say there are the growers and the builders. These are people that genuinely want to grow into a relationship with someone. And the majority of people, 60%, are what I call spenders. They want to spend time with you. They're capable of companionship, connection, and sex. What they're not capable of is commitment. And since the majority of everybody is dating in this pool, if you will, it's no wonder it's a clusterfuck out there. Because many of you aren't establishing genuine commitment right from the very beginning. In fact, ladies, many of you know my rhetoric. I always say this before the penis goes inside the vagina. You should at least read the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Chapter one, at least chapter one, read it with a guy, is all about trust and commitment. Think about this for a second. What is trust? Trust isn't about fidelity, although that is important. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at hand? I want you to think about how quickly we'll have sex with people we know nothing about. And I'm going to say I am participated in this frequently. I've had sex with women I know nothing about. I didn't have their best interest at hand because I was only looking out for my best interest. Real commitment happens when you establish trust with one another where you can feel like this person has my best interest. Isn't that really the most important facet of a relationship? Is that level of commitment? And yet many of you don't even know how to establish commitment. Many of you don't even know the right questions to ask to determine if this person is capable of leaning into commitment. So guess what? You're naturally going to be dating a significant pool of those spenders I talk about. And guess what happens with spenders? They like the companionship, they like the connection, they like the sex. But remember I talked about before the good, the bad starts to outweigh the good of what's happening in the relationship. These guys and gals tend to flake. So I want to lean into what are some of the reasons why a person starts to. Because when we think about it, when they stop pursuing and they stop chasing, they're really pulling back, right? You've heard about this, why do men pull away? Why do men pull back? And please, please, please do not follow the rhetoric that says just lean back in your feminine energy when the guy pulls away because he's going to lean in and claim you. That is a crock of shit. And let me tell you, he said all you do when you lean back, if you're playing this feminine energy, leaning back game, is you trigger the emotionally wounded men to temporarily chase you temporarily. And then you're going to be playing this dynamic back and forth and believe me, you do not want to be playing the game of leaning back every time he pulls away. So I want to better prepare you to be in a healthy happy relationship. This is one of the reasons why I recommend so many books so you can be better prepared to be in a relationship. But let's talk about those five things that make a guy stop chasing and pursuing you. All right, number one, this is the saddest one of all in some sense. He had like a deal. By the way, here's my notes. Okay. Okay. Someone better entered his life. That's right. Sadly, when when many of you are in casual relationships, that you don't have a real established goal of building something together. Remember, I talked about the growers and the builders. These are men who genuinely want to build something with you. When you're spent, when you're with a spender or a user, you do not have established partnership agreement to explore the deeper routes of trust that that make for a committed relationship. So the minute someone nice, you know, someone more attractive comes along, a man will start pulling away. But these days, since there's very little commitment established in the early stage of relationship, these happen usually very quickly. And what I mean to say quickly is that because dating today has very little real commitment to the process of getting to know someone. Let me let me see if I have my book. If the Buddha dated up here, where's my if the Buddha dated somewhere here. Here it is. Sorry, my new bookshelf here. If the Buddha dated, I love this book because it's an intentional approach, taking out the bullshit gender rhetoric of how we're things supposed to be like the book, the rules. The rules is only establish as ways to temporarily get insecure men to chase you or asshole men to chase you. But believe me, I say temporary and assholes. Those are the relationships you probably don't want to be in long term. If I was going to recommend an empowerment book, I highly recommend the book. If why men love bitches, here we go. And bitch stands for babe in total control of herself. Yes, because those women typically don't lose men to a man chasing someone else. I'm here to encourage an empowered way to approach the dating process. And yet sadly, many of you are struggling on the inside because you have childhood wounds and traumas, child and wounds and traumas that need healing. This is why I'm going to grab one more book out of my bookshelf today. I highly recommend I highly recommend reading the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing those childhood wounds and traumas. So you don't have to find yourself in a position that he's looking for someone better. Believe me, those empowered women, those women who have done the inner work, the women who stand up for themselves as a babe in total control of themselves. They tend to don't lose men to them finding someone else. Okay, that's number one. Number two, there's something that turns him off. Now what made me think of this is Amber Heard. And if many of you follow the Amber Heard, Johnny Debtrials, and he was no picnic either. But I'm here to say is there might be that person that gets constantly triggered by what's happening in this person's life or the, let's talk about the guy's life. They're constantly triggered. And I've had men, I've had men tell me repeatedly they're in relationships with women who are constantly triggered, not accepting the man for who he is. And those triggers turn into a confrontation in the relationship. Now I will suspect that one of the challenges women face with men is that men tend to be more emotionally stoic and men, in some cases men are emotionally constipated. What I mean to say is they don't have the emotional skills to articulate their feelings in a way that makes you see, that makes you feel seen, heard and understood. In fact, I kind of think about it this way. Your desire of emotional desire from him is here. His capability is here. And that space in between is called drama. And drama is one of the primary reasons why a guy starts to slowly pull away. The bad starts to outweigh the good that was established in the beginning of the relationship. Drama is a tough one. You know? And what I'm here to say is a lot of women don't realize that their own individual triggers cause a man to push him away. It's those triggers of fear usually. Here's the thing. Oh, by the way, where's my other book? Oh, my sweetheart pulled it out for me. I'm only recommending this book for a moment. It's called How to Make Love All the Time by Barbara DeAngelis. Why I'm bringing up this book in this moment in relationship to drama is I'm here to encourage a more conscious way of approaching the dating process by building trust right from the early stages. So if you're physically intimate with each other, that's to a time to establish this level of trust and commitment and intimacy with each other. So you don't find yourself in this position of I need you to love me to feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. Sadly, we are suckling on the nipple here in the United States of a constant need of validation. Now, I can speak personally. I'm a little insecure in this way. I probably need a little bit more validation than my partner does. And yet one of the things we do is we talk about some of our triggers. If at least you can discuss them in a more conscious way, you're less likely to have a man stop chasing or stop putting effort into you. Okay. Number three. Oh, and by the way, one last thing about something turns them off. Many of you men and women out there have established a relationship built on a trauma bond between the two of you. He's got some emotional trauma bond going on. You have an emotional trauma bond going or excuse me, you have an emotional trauma going on. He has an emotional trauma going on. You bond it together and what's happening is you're reliving a trauma bonding cycle with one another. And it's no wonder at some point this becomes too much for him or too much for you and you disappear. Number three. He's a spender and he doesn't see the relationship going anywhere. I talked about those men that are the spenders in the relationship. This is those of the men that because they don't have a conscious level of commitment established in their desire with a partner, they just want to spend time with someone, that companionship, that connection and sex that they almost enter into a relationship knowing that it's going to end because they're just killing time with you. I was talking to someone the other day who said that during COVID they entered into a relationship with somebody knowing that it was short-lived because it was just companionship in that moment. A lot of people during COVID had what I call companionship relationships. These weren't long-lived relations these weren't relationships that were going for the long-term and so what ended up happening is those relationships end up fading out. So again, coming back to in the beginning of the dating process it's all good because you're driven by that chemistry and that lust and that limerence. Limerence is this extreme infatuation. Lust is that desire to want physical sexual connection with someone but as soon as that the other emotional side doesn't get fulfilled these relationships tend to fade and as I said earlier men tend to pull back and stop chasing and pursuing. Number four his life is in chaos. Oh my god I can't believe how many of you women are choosing men whose lives are in chaos. They've got a contentious X that they're dealing with. Maybe they had problematic children maybe they have covert incest with one of their children. Look that up covert incest okay that's one of my five glaring red flags I talked about in the video about a month ago. Okay maybe he's got issues at work maybe he's got health issues. Now speaking as a person that's a tail end baby boomer gen Xer medical issues are going to be prevalent for those of us in that age bracket but these are more the truth for men and women alike the more complicated a person's life you see here's the thing it's not that people that have melt health issues or contentious X or problems with work or problems with family members or whatnot aren't deserving of a relationship. The real question is do they have a strong enough foundation underneath them to build the layers of trust and commitment of an intimacy to actually build that house called committed relationship. And the weaker the ground underneath them the harder it is for them to establish relationships. So number four their life is in chaos they're not keep how many ladies have experienced the following you met a great guy you're having a good time you're on your 10th or 11th date you've been having sex with each other and all of a sudden he pulls the you know I'm not ready for a relationship card now it could be because of you but it could be a lot of times they they throw their life under the bus and maybe if you ask better questions again schedule a discovery call with me ask better questions right from the get go you would avoid those men who are going to bail early on and lastly number five he's insecure and he doesn't feel you love him that's right there's a significant percentage of men who are as much as you guys go Jonathan I want that confident man that's going to sweep me off my feet well a lot of guys might seem that way right from the beginning but at the end of the day there is a lot of men and I'm going to raise my hand in this this category that can be insecure I have I'm riddled with insecurities and sometimes I have felt in previous dating experience that the person didn't like me or love me enough for me to make that investment this is the problem with so many people actively dating today without a level of purpose allow a lack of level of intentionality and sadly we're dealing with a huge population that lack emotional maturity and relationship skills by the way if you haven't seen this chart it's not a fact it's merely an opinion I believe roughly 20% of the population is actively dating as clinical emotional health issues that doesn't mean they're not capable of being in a relationship but it makes it harder for them that foundation and will I say 20% have good relationship skills the vast majority are dysfunctional it's taken me over a decade to learn all of the terminology and all the little tools to be able to navigate conflict and relationship and so few people actually know how to do that so what's the antidote to all of this folks all right many of you know I'm going to start off by pitching my book right there is right behind me is my book right there but my book is what the heck is self love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work by the way there's a link below to get all the books I recommend while I'm recommending my book along with something even more critically important is is understanding that good communication skills is developed over time just because women have a propensity to express their emotions doesn't mean they're expressing it in a healthy way in fact if you're not familiar with the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg I highly recommend checking this out folks many of you have this many women as well as men have this fantasy that they're actually good at being in a relationship I'm here to say your job in dating is one goal is to determine if this person is right for me and is this person capable well actually I said one goal I mean this inclusively in this goal are they right for me and are they capable of actually leaning into a healthy happy relationship and yet most everybody is in the delusion that chemistry equals relationship success and then no wonder it's a cluster fuck out there so what's the antidote to all this start with personal development start with the inner work start with dating yourself so you can be in a position that whether you find a relationship or not you are so feeling empowered within yourself that it doesn't matter if a man or woman enters your life and what happens when you reach that tipping point when you feel so good about yourself that's usually when the magic happens so that's my invitation for all of you is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know give me a thumbs up please share this video please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new to watch you my content all right folks you know what this will be a great place to wrap up today I am so grateful for all of you that follow my work who told me that it's made a difference in their lives I am so beyond grateful for all of that I hope I have made a difference in your life if I have please hit that like button please share this video if you're brand new my channel please subscribe to my channel and if you'd like some help in your life check out the description below for the schedule a discovery call with me to get a copy of my book to follow me on Instagram or join my membership group that's all in the description below well I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video I hope you found value and if you did I'm going to send you off with a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm actually to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we can all use more love in our lives