 I'm Oleg Sof, your beauty hope and luster cream shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressible hair bring you our Miss Brooke, starring Eve Arden. The knowledge of Madison High School has always tried to get along with her fellow faculty members regardless of whether they're male or female. One thing that school teachers of either sex have in common is the fact that he, she or them was, is and are underpaid. But there is one definite advantage held by the men. When a male school teacher hasn't enough money to go to the movies, he can stay home and look at the pictures on his Esquire calendar. I've overcome that advantage to some slight extent by making my own calendar. I've used 12 snapshots, one for each month, of Madison's bashful biologist, Philip Boynton. There they are right on my bedroom wall. January, Mr. Boynton in his Up to the Minute Raccoon coat. February, Mr. Boynton on Valentine's Day with a big red heart shaped box under his arm, containing flies for his frog, McDougal. Then March, Mr. Boynton in plus fours, a striped blazer and a three propeller beanie. Last Friday morning when I tore the page for March off my calendar, there was Mr. Boynton with his arms around me, so I knew it was April Fool's Day. My landlady, Mrs. Davis, knocked on my door a moment later. Come in. Good morning, Connie. Many happy returns of the day. Thanks, Mrs. Davis. Happy April Fool's Day to you. What time is it anyway? I'm still sleepy. It's almost seven, Connie. I've been up for hours planning little tricks to play on people. Well, I hope you're not going to be as naughty as you were last year. Setting firecrackers off in our yard to make everybody think it was 4th of July. Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Yes, until one of your pinwheels joined me in the shower. Well, I see now I came up here to tell you something rather important. Oh, dear me, whenever I talk to my sister Angela, I become almost as absent minded as she is. We had quite a conversation on the phone this morning. How is Angela? Fine, thank you, but she's so flighty. Right in the middle of our telephone conversation, she forgot that she was talking about completely. I'm worried about her. It's like I was telling my brother the other day, we've got to do something, I said. You've got to do something? About what? I was just repeating what you said to your brother. Which brother? I don't know. Your brother Victor, I guess. I guess so. Well, it's a beautiful day, isn't it? Mrs. Davis, you came in here to tell me something. Now try and remember what it was so I can take a shower and get dressed and forget about it. Oh, yes, one of your students is waiting for you in the living room, Walter Denton. Walter Denton? What's he doing here so early? All right, Connie, I'll tell him. Poor thing, she's got so much on her mind she can't concentrate. Hi, Mrs. Davis. Walter, what are you doing here? You just left me here, Mrs. Davis. Oh, and you wanted to see Miss Brooks. Oh, that reminds me. What are you doing here so early? Well, it's a big secret, Mrs. Davis, but I'll tell you if you promise to keep it strictly confidential. I promise. You won't forget now? I won't forget what now? To keep it confidential. To keep what confidential? I guess it's safe with you. Look at this newspaper column. The one called Dorothy Daley's Daily Advice to the Heart Store. Oh, I think that all the time. You never read a letter like this one, though, I'll bet. Listen, dear Dorothy Daley, I teach English in high school, but my chief interest lies in a fellow teacher of the opposite sex whose initials are PB. No matter how I try, I can't seem to make any progress with him. I'm attractive without being ravishing, intelligent without being stuffy, cheerful without being a Pollyanna, but mostly I'm without PB. Can you help me sign CB? Well, I certainly sympathize with that young lady, but... Wait a minute. Honey, Brooks. Rosa, do you think the CB in this letter could be the CB I think the CB could be? I'm positive it is. Look who she's stuck on. PB, Phillip Boynton. Oh, but Walter, PB could stand for anybody. Why it could stand for Paul Bunyan. Mrs. Davis, you're closer to Miss Brooks than any of us. Does she know anybody named Paul Bunyan? No, not that I know of. Then there you are. She's got to be CB. But Walter, do you honestly think Miss Brooks would write a letter like this to a public newspaper? Oh, sure. Mrs. Davis, haven't you heard the famous epigram, Love in its Desperation Turns to Many Strange Devices? No, Walter. Who said that? I did. Look, Mrs. Davis, we won't embarrass Miss Brooks by mentioning it in front of her, but we've got to try and help her. Listen to Dorothy Daley's answer to Miss Brooks. Dear CB, come out of your shell. Improve your personality and don't be afraid to be the life of the party. Then watch your Mr. PB sit up and take notice. Yours for nailing them down before they can wriggle off the hook, Dorothy Daley. There's our problem, Mrs. Davis. We've got to give Miss Brooks a personality. I never noticed that she didn't have any. Now remember, Mrs. Davis, not a word to a soul. Of course, I've told Harriet Conklin so she can tell her father he has to give a party tonight which Miss Brooks can go to and be the life of. That's pretty short notice, isn't it? That's why we have to wake her up so early. This new personality is a rush job. Oh, careful. Here she comes. Hiya, CB. How's everything? Okay. Well, no, W.D. It's N.G. N.G. I didn't get enough S.L.W.P. What? Sorry, S.L.E.A.P. Oh, sleep! If you'll excuse me, I'll get some breakfast for us. I'll call you when it's ready. All right, Mrs. Davis. Now then, Walter, what's the crisis? Crisis? Well, there's no crisis. I just thought it would be nice to have a little chat. In the middle of the night? Now, look, Walter, this April Fool's business leaves me pretty cold. So if you're playing any pranks... Oh, this has nothing to do with April Fool, Miss Brooks. It's just that I've been making a study of personalities lately and I've come to the conclusion that we should all come out of our shell. Good, but let's not come out until 8 o'clock in the morning. Now, there's nothing like parlor magic to make anybody the life of the party. For instance, have you seen the disappearing quarter trick? Look, I hold this quarter between my thumb and third finger like this. Then I make a few magic passes and presto! Where's the quarter? On the floor. Well, I haven't practiced enough yet, but a trick like this, you could learn easy. I could learn it easily. I knew you'd go for it. Now, here, take the quarter in your left hand. Look, Walter, making money disappear is no trick for a school teacher. Let's get some way to make some appear, then we'll have something. Breakfast is ready. Oh, come on into the dinette, Walter. Yes, sit right down. You sit here, Walter. Thanks, Mrs. Davis. Drink your juice first and I'll bring the rest out in a minute. All right, Mrs. Davis. Funny, this is orange juice. What's funny about that? The last breakfast Mrs. Davis prepared for me began with marinated olive juice. Ah, recipes, all right. Oh, say, I just thought of another great party trick. It's called a spoon in the empty glass trick. Here, I've got two spoons right here. Now, I place the back of one behind the front of the other and by means of leverage, flop it right into the empty glass. So, glass wasn't empty. It is now. Of course, my lap isn't as empty as it was. Well, let it upset you, Miss Brooks. One of the truest things ever said is the quotation, A damp garment should not dampen the spirit to the wearer. Who said that? I did. Here we are. Now, Connie, I want to surprise you. Close your eyes before I put this food down in front of you. Go ahead now. Please close them tight. All right, Mrs. Davis, they're closed. Thanks. Now, before you open them, guess what we've got for breakfast? Uh, salmon patties fried in Quantro? No, I ran out of Quantro. Hi again. Uh, wheat cakes from Ravioli? No, I guess you better give up. Open your eyes. Why, what's this? Plain scrambled eggs, toast and coffee? That's right, Connie. April Fool! Starring Eve Arden will continue in just a moment, but first, here is Vern Smith. Want to win $49,000 in cash? That's right, $49,000 in cash. The first prize offered by the makers of Parmalik Soap in their big, exciting 49 Gold Rush Contest. Second prize, $4,900. And there are 4,949 other cash prizes. What a chance to win $100,000 in cash prizes, and it's easy to enter. Simply finish this sentence, I like Parmalik Soap because, in 25 words or less. That's all. Just 25 words or less to finish this sentence, I like Parmalik Soap because. Then mail your entry right away, along with the Parmalik Soap Rapper. Easy, isn't it? And remember, thousands will strike it rich in this big 49 Gold Rush Contest. Enter as often as you like. Get entry blanks and complete rules from your dealer, or send your entries on plain paper, with your name and address and dealer's name and address, plus one Parmalik Rapper for each entry. Mail to Gold Rush Contest, box 49, New York 8, New York. You better write that down. Gold Rush Contest, box 49, New York 8, New York. But hurry, your last chance. Contest closes next Saturday. Get Parmalik Soap right away to help win a lovelier complexion, and try for your share of the $100,000 in cash prizes. Walter Datton's moving full speed ahead on his efforts to aid CB take Dorothy Daley's advice concerning PB. Let's look in now on another of the conspirators, Harriet Conklin, as she speaks to her father in the principal's office. So all you have to do, Daddy, is to invite this party to the party when she comes by this morning. But I don't see any reason for it, Harriet. I'm getting sick and tired of this constant round of parties. One mad whirl after another. Daddy, the last party you gave was on Thanksgiving. Oh, this is vital, Daddy. I can't go into embarrassing details, but we've got to bring somebody out of herself. Oh, you've just got to invite Miss Brooks to our party. Miss Brooks? But she has a party every day, all day long. It only seems that way because of her pleasant exterior. Believe me, there are days when her heart is sorely beset beneath that gay surface and lies in her bosom like a dead thing. That must be Miss Brooks now. Well, I won't go through with it, Harriet. I absolutely refuse to have any more... Listen, Daddy. You promised, Mother, you'd go on a diet, didn't you? Yes, but what has that got to do with our... If you don't invite Miss Brooks to our party tonight, I'll take that borrowed fudge out from under your desk plotter and show it to Mother. Come in, my dear. I told that you wanted to see me, Mr. Karnlin. Oh, hello, Harriet. Hi, Miss Brooks. Daddy has something he wants to tell you. Yes, yes. I've been coerced into having a little party at our place tonight, Miss Brooks, and if you have nothing else to do, we'd like you to come. Well, thanks, Mr. Karnlin. I'd love to. Of course, if you can't come, we may just drop the whole thing. Daddy, I think I'll change the plotter on your desk right now. No, no. That is, I'm sure it'll be nice to get together. All right, Mr. Karnlin. Then if that'll be all, I'll see you tonight. I'll be looking forward to it. Dismissed. I'll walk out with you, Miss Brooks. Thanks, Daddy. And next time, try the ones with the nuts in them. All right, girl. You know, Miss Brooks, there's nothing like a party to bring a person out of her shell. You too, Harriet. I'm beginning to like it in here. Now, the next thing you have to do, Miss Brooks, is to meet us in the music appreciation room as soon as lunch period gets here. The music appreciation room? You know the old saying, music has charms to soothe a savage breath. Yes, but I've been dating very few savages lately. Look, Harriet, what in the world is this all about? I've got to get to my French class now, but I'll see you at lunchtime. And remember, if you want PB to eat out of your hand, you've got to cooperate, CB. SOS. Miss Brooks, mind if I walk down the hall with you? Not at all, Walter. I'm just going to the music appreciation room to meet Harriet. Don't ask me why. I know why, Miss Brooks, because tonight's party is in everybody who comes must do something party. And we've got something swell doped out for you to do. For me to do? You'll find out about it in a minute. Here's the music room, Miss Brooks. Let's go in. That'll be all for today. Well, he came a long way to practice. Very clever. Very clever, I'm sure he'll make a fine musician if he concentrates on his violin and stops telling jokes. Hello, Miss Brooks. Well, we're all set. We are. Did you bring it, Mr. Pringle? Got it right in this case, Walter. Good. You know, Miss Brooks, tonight's in everybody who comes must do something party. Yes, I know, and I think I know what I'm going to do, too. What? Stay home. Don't be ridiculous, Miss Brooks. You know how well Miss Enright plays a piano, don't you? What does Miss Enright's playing the piano got to do with me? Well, plenty. She's coming to the party tonight, and you know how she likes to show off in front of Mr. Boy... But we're going to see to it that you're the life of the party. Well, come on, Harriet. We've got some more arrangements to make. Okay, Walter, you just put yourself in Mr. Pringle's hands completely, Miss Brooks. That's right. If you put yourself in Mr. Pringle's hands now, who knows, you may wind up in Mr. Boynton's arms later. And I'll see you tonight, CB. I don't know what this is all about, Mr. Pringle. Take it easy, Miss Brooks. All the children want you to do is learn a very simple little specialty for the party tonight. Now, tell me, do you have any musical education at all? Well, when I was a little girl, I played in our girl scout band. Really? What instrument? The tuba. I didn't keep at it, though. It did something to my lips. Oh, you must have started too young. It's a difficult instrument to master. Yes, for months after I gave it up, I couldn't drink a malted without swallowing the straw. Well, what I've got in mind for you won't offer any difficulties, I'm sure. Now, this is a ukulele. It's the only instrument upon which a novice can pick out a simple tune in no time at all. Here, just place one finger on this fret. So, now this one here, that's right. Now, play a chord. Go ahead, try it. Well, all right, I'll try. Washington, at Valley Forge, stood bitter cold and up spoke George. Oh, do-de-oh, do-do-do-de-oh. Take my lips and do your duty. Everybody called me cutie. Look, that's wonderful. Let's sing some together. All right, Mr. Pringo. Paul Revere on his midnight ride rode through town and loudly cried. Go-do-de-oh, do-do-do-do-de-oh. Shake my hand and call me Max. I've got a charge account at SAC. Ukulele, gaily, how he strums it, bum-bum-bums it. Dancing, dancing, then he hollers black bottom. Crazy words, crazy tune. You'll be driving me crazy soon with that go-do-de-oh, do-do-do-do-de-oh. Miss Brooks. Da-hoo! Meaning of this, Mr. Pringle. And what are you doing in Mr. Pringle's music room during lunch period, Miss Brooks? I just dropped in for a Melody Burger. I mean, I wanted to see if I remembered something. Leave this room at once. As for you, Mr. Pringle, aren't you supposed to be at lunch during this period? Yes, sir. I was just going, sir. Well, put that ridiculous looking instrument down and get out. Yes, sir. Come on, Miss Brooks. Naturally. Yeah. There's Grace carrying on in the middle of a school day with a ukulele. My dog has flee. Bum-bum-bum-bum, hold that tiger. Bum-bum-bum, hold that tiger. Bum-bum-bum, hold that tiger. Where's the party so far, Mr. Boynham? It's very nice, Miss Brooks, but I'm a little worried. Everybody's supposed to get up and do something, aren't they? Well, that's the idea. Gosh, there isn't anything I could possibly do to entertain anybody. Oh, I don't know. Of course, I did make a speech some months ago to my biology club, but they're all men. I couldn't repeat that in front of mixed company. Oh, why not, Mr. Boynham? What was the subject of the speech? Well, I'd rather not mention it, Miss Brooks. It's a little racy. Well, I'll just listen with one ear. What was it? Well, it was called the primitive urge of the sturgeon to swim upstream. That's funny. I always thought the sturgeon didn't need any urgent. Look, Mr. Boynham, I'm as nervous as you are about getting up and doing anything, but maybe we could do something together. Like what, Miss Brooks? Well, I just happened to have with me tonight this ukulele. Oh, a ukulele. I haven't seen one of those things since my college days. It's really very simple to pick up. It all came back to me in a flash. See, you just put one finger here. That's right. Now, this one here, so... Now, try it. From it, Mr. Boynham. All right. I'll see you in my dream. Hold you in my... Don't be bashful. Hold that, pucker. You're the best since Sophie Tucker. I don't know where the heck that comes from. I don't know, but this is a brand-new Boynham. Where did you go to college on the peace circuit? There you are, Mr. Boynham. I've been looking all over for you. Oh, hello, Miss Enright. And dear Miss Brooks, may I join you? You have. There seems to be room on this couch for three. Don't you think so? Only if I sit in the middle. There we are. Miss Brooks is so possessive. You don't ever want to share Mr. Boynham with anyone, do you, dear? The property has only been optioned. It is not ready for subdivision. Excuse me, Brooks, but Mother says if anybody wants cake and coffee, it's on the table. Just help yourself, please. I think I'll get some. Mrs. Coughlin certainly knows the way to a man's heart. I like the overland route myself. You run along, Mr. Boynham. Can I bring you Lady Something? Just yourself, dear Mr. Boynham. Yes. How about you, Miss Brooks? No thanks. Not right now. I'll be right back in a minute. I have no doubt you've got your specialty all prepared, Miss Brooks. Oh, it's nothing, really. I didn't imagine it would be. I, uh... I'm going to play the piano myself. That should be lovely. It's obvious from your bill that you moved enough of them. It's funny. I wonder how funny you'll feel when I get up and read this letter in Dorothy Daley's column. Letter? Yes, I've got the crippling right here. It's called CB. And it says, Dear Dorothy Daley, I teach English in high school, but my chief interest lies in a fellow teacher of the opposite sex whose initials are PB. PB? Wait a minute, Philip Boynham. Exactly. It goes on to tell how CB can't make any progress with PB at all and pleads for advice. Oh, but Miss Enright, you don't think that... Why, I didn't write that letter. I know you didn't. I did. You? A little April Fool's joke, Miss Brooks. But of course, when I read it, I won't mention that detail. And even if you do, it'll just look like a natural attempt to cover your embarrassment. But Miss Enright, even you wouldn't... Attention, folks, attention. We come now to that part of the party we've all been looking forward to so eagerly. The part where everybody must get up and do something. First, I'd like to introduce Madison's beloved English teacher, our Miss Brooks. Enjoy your brief moment, my dear. I'm going to follow you on with this juicy little tidbit. What do you mean brief moment? I'm loaded with entertainment. Madison's Brooks, what are you going to do for us tonight? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I thought I'd do a few medleys of songs on the ukulele, then a few recitations, and maybe a parlor trick or two. First, the songs. Washington, that valley forged was bitter cold, and up spoke George. Oh, don't you know how much for the songs. Now I'd like to recite for you. Just a moment, Miss Brooks. You've been on for over enough. Please, Miss Anne Wright. Miss Brooks isn't finished. Thank you, Harris. Under the spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. You can see I have here in my hand an ordinary deck of playing cards. And now I'd like to show you a fascinating parlor game. Mr. Conklin, do you have a phone book I could borrow? Oh, yes, Miss Brooks. There's one right here on this table, but don't you think it's a little late to phone anyone? It's almost 12 o'clock. Oh, I'm not going to phone anyone. Walter, get a piece of paper and a pencil, please. How came, Miss Brooks? Well, I think this is the most... Please, Miss Anne Wright. You're interrupting, Miss Brooks. Thank you, Walter. Now, the idea of this game is to guess which name in the phone book I'm thinking of. Let's start with the A's. If you get a feeling that I've said the one I'm concentrating on, just call out. Let's go. Abbott, Abernassie, Ackerman, Addison, Casco, Payton, Penamon, Prympechak, Zimmerman, Zimmerman A, Zimmerman B. Hasn't anyone got a feeling yet? Mr. Boyden, how about... Mr. Boyden, where are you? Mr. Boyden went home, Miss Brooks. He went home? When? Right after Mr. and Mrs. Conklin went to bed. He said he didn't want to disturb you, so Miss Anne Wright drove him home. Miss Anne Wright drove? Well, that's the last straw. You know, of course, Walter, that it was Miss Anne Wright who wrote that Dorothy Daly letter. Miss Anne Wright? That's right, Walter. She signed my initials, but it was her letter that Dorothy Daly answered in her column. Boy, what a dirty trick. I'm sorry you were so embarrassed, Miss Brooks. You think I was embarrassed tonight? Just wait, Walter, till you see to meet tomorrow when Dorothy Daly answers the letter I wrote her. Let's return to just a moment, dream girl, dream girl, beautiful luster cream girl. Tonight, show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a luster cream shampoo. Only luster cream brings UK Dumas magic formula blend of secret ingredients plus gentle lanolin. Gives loveliness, lather, even in hardest water. Glamorizes your hair as you wash it. Luster cream, not a soap, not a liquid, but a dainty cream shampoo. Leaves hair frequently clean, free of loose dandruff, glistening with sheen, soft, manageable. Gives new beauty to all hairdos or permanence. Four ounce jar, $1. Smaller sizes, either tubes or jars. Tonight, try luster cream shampoo and the uh... Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful luster cream girl. You owe your crowning glory to a luster cream shampoo. Now once again, here is our Miss Brooks. Well, I had a date with Mr. Boynton on the following day and I couldn't wait to find out if Miss Enright had told him about the Dorothy Daly column. Sure enough, it was the first thing he mentioned when he came by to pick me up. That letter in the paper, Miss Brooks, it certainly has me puzzled. Puzzled, Mr. Boynton? Yes, I know, of course, that you're a seabee, but who in the world is Pee-Bee? Mr. Boynton, I thought sure you'd guess. Pee-Bee is an old flame of mine, a fellow named Paul Bunyan. Soon into another Our Miss Brooks Show brought to you by Common Assault, your duty hope, and luster cream shampoo for soft, glamorous, caruscible hair. Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Burns, written and directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch. Men, here is actual factual proof of more comfortable, actually smoother shaves by using Pamela Lather Shaving Cream. 1,251 men tried the Pamela Lather Waiter Shave, described on the tube, and no matter how they shaved before, three out of four got more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. Try Pamela Lather Shaving Cream. See if you don't get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the Pamela Lather Shaving Cream way. For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to Mr. and Mrs. North, the exciting, fun-fact adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesday evenings over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at the same time for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks. Cancer causes a death every three minutes, and unless the present cancer death rate is reduced, 18 million living Americans will die from it. This will affect on the average one out of every two families in the United States. Stay tuned for the next episode of Cancer by helping the American Cancer Society to provide more surgery, X-ray, and radium treatments. So give generously to the American Cancer Society today. Stay tuned now for Life with Luigi, which follows over most of these same stations. This is CBN, the Columbia Broadcasting System.