 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Bruce, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. This is Phil. Now here's a word from RCA Victor. A word about money and how to make it go further with an RCA Victor combination. You'll get the equivalent of three consoles, three different kinds of fun, and yet you'll pay for just one cabinet, one sound system. RCA Victor's Rutland, for example, brings you television at its finest, 17 big inches of million-proof television, quality proven in over two million homes. Second, you get both AM and FM radio with RCA Victor's new extended tone range. And third, the Rutland gives you two automatic record changers that enable you to enjoy records at all three speeds. Yes, enjoy all of these fine instruments in one fine combination at one money-saving price. See the Rutland tomorrow at your RCA Victor dealer. And say, ask your dealer for Mario Lanz's magnificent RCA Victor Red Seal album of beloved Arias from his smash hit movie, The Great Caruso, available in all three speeds. A local milk company is sponsoring a beautiful child contest. The Harris children are very anxious to enter and they are pleading with their mother to allow them to submit their photographs. But mommy, why can't Phyllis and I enter this beautiful child contest? There's a $500 prize and I'm sure one of us could win. Don't you think so, Phyllis? I don't know about you, sis, but I'm a lead pipe sin. Phyllis, don't be so egotistical. It isn't nice. Your mother's right, Phyllis. Conceit is a very undesirable trait. Besides, what makes you think you're beautiful? Well, everybody says I look like you, daddy. You're a witness, mom. You know something, Alice? With her look, she's bound to take first prize. Besides, there's nothing wrong with it. My mother entered me in a beauty contest when I was a baby. Did you win, daddy? Alice, tell your daughter not to ask such stupid questions. Of course, I win it by two lengths. Going away, heavy-track pig 280. Were you a pretty baby, daddy? A Rembrandt. Hey, I got a picture of me when I was a year old someplace. Hey, Alice, where's that box of baby stuff of mine? You know, the one my mother sent. Well, it's on the desk, Phyllis. Oh, yeah, here it is. Hey, let me see. The picture's among this baby stuff here someplace. Hey, look at this, girls. What is it, daddy? My first teething ring. Phyllis, for the last time, would you throw that hand bone away? You ain't got no sentiment, honey. Hey, look at this. My first baby bottle. And here's the corkscrew daddy opened it. Your father used that kind of a bottle to you? We were poor. Daddy couldn't afford to buy nursing bottles, and we couldn't find a nipple to fit a fruit jar. So I was just in a terrible mess. What's this thing, daddy? It looks like an old map. Map? Oh, no map. No, that's my baby bib. What are all the different colors on it? Well, these are turnip green stains. And these are hominy grit spots. And here's a little dash of cornmeal mush. Two dried black-eyed peas, and these are chopped suey stains. Now, wait a minute. The southern stuff I can more or less understand, where did the chopped suey stains come from? The people upstairs were Chinese, and there was a hole in our ceiling. Never mind all that stuff, Phil. Just bring the picture out. All right, I'm trying to find the picture. I know it's here someplace. Well, how do you like that? Look at this. A pair of bronze baby shoes. When I was two years old, my daddy dipped them in bronze. My mother never forgave them. Why? They were still on my feet when he did it. That's how I became slightly bold-legged. For two years, they used my feet for bookends at the local library. Hey, well, lookie here. Uh-oh, here it is. Here's the picture I was looking for. Let me see it, daddy. Okay, here it is. This is a photo of me when I was one year old. I'm lying on my stomach. In the nude on a bare-skinned rug. Hey, cute, wasn't I? I have to admit it's a very adorable picture. Yeah. For years, this photo of me was in great demand. I used to autograph them and send them to the brownies as pin-up pictures. Daddy, there's two of these pictures here. Can I have one? Well, certainly, honey. Hey, why don't you take it and hang it up in your room? Thank you, daddy. Come on, Alice. Well, Phyllis, why do you want that baby picture of Dad? Well, I have an idea. My mother wouldn't let us send our picture into the contest, but she didn't say we couldn't send Daddy's picture. Yeah. He was a beautiful baby, and he's certain to win. But do you think we ought to take the chance? What chance? If he wins, he'll be very happy. I know, but if he loses, he'll kill himself. We won't tell him anything about it. The contest closes at 12 noon today, so we better take his picture down in Etihad right now. Okay. Oh, Mommy, can we go for a ride on our bicycle? Yes, but be very careful, and don't go too far. Hey, Alice, wasn't it cute the kids wanting my baby picture? Of course I can't blame them. Look at it again, honey. I'm stoked. Phyll, all you ever think about is yourself. Why can't you be like most husbands and ask me to sing? Most of your husbands ask you to sing? Well, I want to be one of the boys. When the sun goes down and I meet my baby That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss And then we kiss some more Don't ask how many times we kiss Had a time like this who keeps for So I don't care if the sun don't shine I'll get my loving in the evening time When I'm with my baby So I don't care if the sun don't shine I'll get my loving in the evening time When I'm with my baby It's no fun with the sun around But I get going when the sun goes down And I meet my baby That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss And then we kiss some more Don't ask how many times we kiss Had a time like this who keeps for So I don't care if the sun don't shine I'll get my loving in the evening time When I'm with my baby I think you really like my song, honey. What song? I'm still looking at my pink little body. Oh, Bill, you pretty thing. You want to know something? I'm just about to cue this kid. Uh-oh, I'll just do it. I still think it's a very cute picture. I look like a perfect little doll Lying there on that bear's skin. Hi, Curly. Oh, hello, Frankie. Where you got there? Picture? Hey, Rendling. Look at it. Who do you think it is? I don't know. Who is this hairy little monster? Who is this hairy little monster? That's the bear. Oh, who's the nude little monkey riding him? That's a picture of me when I was a baby. All mothers used to have pictures taken of their babies on a bear rug. Didn't your mother ever have one taken of you? Oh, yeah, she did. She wanted to have it taken right after I was born, but Pop wouldn't let her. He said it was corny. But Mom kept insisting and finally Pop gave in and they took a nude picture of me on a bear's skin. Yeah, I bet it was cute. How old were you at the time, Frankie? Thirty-four. You should have seen me lying there under that bear's skin rug. Under it? Well, yeah, at that age, the photographer insisted. Hey, Curly, where'd you get this disgusting photograph of yourself? My mother sent it to me. Trying to blackmail you, huh? Look, Curly, put it away. I can't stand baby pictures. Oh, Frankie, how can you say that? Have you no soul? Why, a baby is something delicate, something lovely to look at and a thrill to hold. It's a thing of beauty like a well-made martini. Maybe so, but in this picture you look like a stale beer. What do you know? Let me tell you something. If you saw this picture and it was... Uh-oh, excuse me. Isn't that... Hello? Hello, Mr. Harris? Yes. This is Mr. Mernheim of the MC No Milk Company. I'm coming over with a $500 check and a photographer to take some publicity pictures of your beautiful baby. What baby? Your baby. His picture was just submitted to our beautiful baby contest and I'm happy to tell you that your son won first prize. He did? Yes, sir. Congratulations. And I'll be over to see you and the baby later this afternoon. What do you know? Hey, Frankie, Alice, come here quick. What? What happened? Oh, honey, I got wonderful news for you. Guess what? That beautiful baby contest was won by our son. Just think our little son. The same little son. Wait a minute, we ain't got no son. You're getting pretty sharp, Dad. Because that went on all by yourself. Of course we ain't got no son. What's this all about? Well, I don't know. It must be a mistake. Oh, gee, just think, Alice, if we had a little baby boy, he'd win $500. Well, don't stand there, Daddy. Slip a diaper on me. Let's get down and get the loot. Take your foot out of your mouth. I can't understand this. The guy knew my name. Somebody must have submitted a picture with my name on it. Why should anybody want... Hey, wait a minute. You're a baby picture that you gave the children had your name on it. I'll bet they submitted it to the contest. And Curly won? No. No. Been doing it for years, all. Oh, filthy, you did it again. Your face has always been your fortune. I'm gonna marry you. Hey, I can use that $500. Remly? Yeah. We get that $500, and you and me will take a little trip to the Flamingo at Las Vegas. And we'll walk in. Now, Phil? Well, you can't accept that money. You'll be taking it under false pretenses, and that's dishonest. Yeah. Now, when we get to Las Vegas, Curly, I gotta... This magnet will stop any roulette wheel on the exact number that you... Frankie, stop it. They're offering a prize for a baby that's a baby today. Not one that was born 58 years ago. Thank you, honey, and I hope the draft board is listening. No, but Alice is right, Remly. The guy's coming over to take pictures of the baby holding their product. So why can't they take a picture of you holding their product? Frankie, hmm? Their product is... milk. Milk? What's that? One of them new wonder drug? No. Milk. You know, it's that white stuff that cows are so anxious to get rid of. They got four faucets working over time. Now, Phil, you'd better call the milk company and explain that it was a mistake. Tell them we don't have a baby. In the meantime, I'm going to find the girls and punish them for this. Yeah, yeah. Punish them and punish them good. Take their mink coats away from them for a whole week. Well, I guess I'll have to call that milk company. Drop that phone. You crazy or something, letting $500 slip through your fingers? Frankie, I can't take that. I love that. Drop that phone. Well, there's no television. We'll get a daytime program. Drop that phone, Nora. Don't call him now. Wait till Dr. Quaid comes by. I can't take that money. I gotta tell him it was my kids fault in bringing the picture down. I gotta tell him the truth. Otherwise, I can go to jail for fraud. Yeah, I guess you're right. Let your kids take the rap. What if they do go to jail for embezzlement? Embezzlement? Certainly. They deliberately brought that picture down to get a $500 prize, knowing there is no such existent baby. This is definitely a case of Mendamas delicti. It is? A whole case? Friendly, I can't let my kids go to jail. But when the guy comes around with a prize money, he's gonna want to see the baby. Then what are we gonna do? Only one thing we can do. We'll have to have a baby. Which one of us is gonna have it? We'll borrow one. Oh, oh, oh. I think that'd be simpler. Sure, all we have to do. All we have to do is find one that looks like you used to look when you were a baby. Are you kidding? They don't turn them out that way. They have lost the touch. Curly, I guarantee to find a kid for you. When? I know a dame. Her name is Mrs. Young. She has the cutest kid you ever saw, and I'm sure she'll let you borrow him. Does he look like me? He looks enough like you to fool a milk company. Okay, but if I do manage to fool the company, I ain't gonna keep the $500. I'll give it a charity. I'll give it to Mrs. Young. Remly, what's the matter with you? Every time I listen to one of those crazy ideas of yours, I get into, I don't know what's gotten into you lately. What's the matter? Well, I hate to turn Mrs. Young down, but I couldn't use her kid. Well, I don't know why. Everybody says little foo young is the prettiest kid in China. Well, he is. But he doesn't look like me. He was a clever little rascal, though. Did you see Buttney's sweater with him chopsticks? Hey, Frankie, let's forget the whole thing. No, we'll make it work, yeah. How are we gonna make it work? Where am I gonna find a baby? You have come to the right man, Harry. Grogan! Grogan, you can find me a baby? Oh, a baby? I thought you said a babe. I am now in the Lonely Hearts business. Lonely Hearts business? Yeah, yeah. See, I get a girl, I get a guy, I bring them together. I see that they get married, and then I get a commission. Well, suppose after they meet, they don't want to get married. Who asks them? Nobody tells me how to run my business. Do you mean you force them to get married? No, no, I don't force them. It's entirely up to them. Chris, as a guy came to me last month, he said, I don't like the girl you introduced me to. I don't want to marry her. Do me something. What happened? I did him something. Well, it's nice meeting you, Grogan. Good luck in your new business. I'm going to meet a new wife. I'm going to look you up. Thanks, Grogan. Say, Harris, if you want a new wife, get her now, because they are cutting down on production. There's libel to be a scarcer. Give you a good trade and allowance on your old one. Grogan, I'm not interested in trading around. I like my old one, and I want to keep it. Well, look, let me put it this way. How long you had your wife? Nine years. How long you had your car? Two years. Is there any reason why you should keep a wife long and you keep a car? I never thought of it that way. Now that you mentioned it, a new model would look a little snappier. Alice ain't got much chrome. She ain't equipped with high dramatic, not to my knowledge. One wheel dragging a little. Oh, Grogan, this kid of mine is good for another 10,000 miles, I figure. Well, I think you're making a mistake, Harris, because I got a wonderful girl for you. She's 80 years old. But you ought to see this chick. Grogan, I ain't interested in marrying any old lady. How about an old man? See, I got a civil war vet who was a little nearsighted. Look, Grogan, I don't want to get married. All I want is a baby. I better talk to you, Remly. You ain't married. You want to market for a wife? All right, depends. Got any with one head? Well, I got one for you that is really gorgeous. Oh, you're a beaut. She's a young widow. See, and this kid, she is very lonely. She sits all alone, all day and all night, just waiting for somebody like you, Remly. Hey, she sounds interesting. When can I meet her? Soon as she gets out of solitary confinement. Remly, take the civil war vet, will you? Maybe old, but he's honest. Take it. This poor kid was framed. It's a shame, too, because she is so beautiful and so wealthy. Wealthy? Yeah. Wait a minute. She didn't steal the money, did she? She didn't have to steal it. You got it from the insurance policies of the four husbands she married. Look, Grogan, this has all been very charming, but we've got to go. We've got to find a baby. What do you need a baby for? Well, look, I stand to win $500 if I find a baby that looks like me. So we'll see you later. Thanks a lot, anyway. Bye. I like that, Harris. And I'm going to help him. If he needs a baby, I'll get him one. He said he needs a baby that looks like him, though. See, where does a guy go to find a baby with bloodshot eyes? What do you mean to tell me you fellas have been out trying to borrow a baby just so you could get that $500? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but now don't get excited, honey. We didn't find one. Well, thank goodness. Now, when the man from the milk company gets here, tell him it was all a mistake. All right, all right, I'll tell him. I'll tell him how... Uh-oh, that must be the guy from the milk company. I'll let him in. Uh, I'm sorry, mister, but I... Hey, uh, Harris. Now, what are you doing here, Grogan? Well, you said you wanted a baby, so I brought you some. Sound. Yeah, look out on a porch. Holy smoke, they're crawling all over the place. Grogan, where'd you get this letter? Can't you keep them quiet? Keep them quiet. They're driving me crazy. Oh, look, look, look at the man. Pipe down all his or our lecture at Harvard. You've got to be fine with kids. Mr. Grogan, how many children do you have there? Ten. Where did you get ten babies? I hijacked a nursery bus. Grogan, you can't do a thing like that. Well, it's all right, it's all right. I persuaded the bus driver to let me borrow them. Now hurry and pick one out, Harris, before he comes to. But, Grogan... Pick one, kid, pick one. Yes, sir. Hey, Curly, here's one that looks a little like you. Let me see it. Yeah. Oh, look at that. He does, doesn't he? He's pretty. Yeah, ain't it cute the way he's chewing on my gun? Your gun? For heaven's sake, take it away from him. Don't get excited, it ain't loaded. How do you know? I saw him swallow the bullets on my way over. Here, take the kid, Blondie. I'll be back for him in an hour. But, Mr. Grogan, oh, this is terrible. Phil, Phil, do you really think this poor baby swallowed six bullets? Well, no, but don't point him at me. He could ever burp, he'll mow us all. Phil, take the baby and go to a doctor. Yeah, we better take him over and get the lead out. Alice, you take the kid. You take the kid, I don't want to hold him while he's... Uh-oh, come in. How do you do? Are you Mr. Harris? Yes, sir. Who are you? I'm Mr. Mann, I'm a milk company. I came over to see... Oh, that must be the little darling. You're holding in your art, isn't he cute? Do you like him? I certainly do. Here, you can have him. Take him over and get the lead out. You can have him. Hey, Harris, you want to be proud of this one. I have one at home just about the same age, and I'm certainly proud of my little Chester. Isn't he a doll? Look at that blonde hair and blue eyes and that cute little mole under his left eye. Mole? Under his left... Chester, my child. Where did you get my baby? Your baby? He's supposed to be at the nursery. How did he get here? Well, I don't know. He comes here every Sunday to take a shower. We don't ask no questions. I don't know how this happened, Harris, but I'm going to have you prosecuted for abduction. I'll see that you suffer for this. Right now, I'm taking my baby home. Okay, but be careful. Don't drop him or hold him near an open flame. He's allowed to go off. What do you mean? It may come as a surprise to you, but your little Chester is low dead. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. Now, the old soldier will never fade away. Now, General MacArthur's historic speech to Congress lives forever on RCA Victor Record. Yes, the speech which stirred the nation as few speeches in our history have ever done is now yours to hear again and again in a superb RCA Victor album, which captures with supreme fidelity every moving tone in the general's voice. The ring of it when he expressed his convictions, the emotion in it when he paid his tribute to our sons in Korea, the unforgettable gallantry of it when he said his soldiers fare well to us all. Your family will always treasure this magnificent RCA Victor living document of a great American in his most dramatic hour. And you can buy your copy now. Yes, incredible as it seems, RCA Victor has already flown the MacArthur album in all record speeds, 78, long play and 45 to every corner of the country. Get yours at your own RCA Victor dealer. This is Phil again. You were such a wonderful audience. We're a little late, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. This program was produced and transcribed by Paul Phillips. Remember whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a becrollaphone a graph or record. Put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor were a leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. Here had a hopper next over many NBC stations.