 We're going to talk about how walking away from a man always works now really quickly I just want to share with you I got this title from one of my contemporaries Alex from mindful attraction and I watched his video and there's some similarities What I'm about to share and there's some also some differences So why does walking away always work? Well, many of you probably have been conditioned in this notion that when you lean back a Man will chase you because that space makes him want to come after you But we really have to get into the nitty-gritty of this because that only works temporarily typically with anxious attachment men that are Needy to begin with or even avoidant men who Temporarily might chase you when you pulled away when you pulled back Okay, but that's not one. We're really talking about when we talk about walking away What we're really talking about from walking away is a mindset of self-love a Mindset of self-love and what self-love states is I don't need you to love me to feel good about myself That's the whole principle of self-love is I don't need someone else to love me to feel good about myself So what is walking away? Walking away is that space of saying You are not the source of my happiness that you you are not the source of my happiness Now that's not to suggest that a person can't add value to your life that being with someone Will create a sense of joy and happiness, but they are not the source of your happiness See sadly many women In particular Derived their happiness from being in a committed relationship now. Let me well. Let me rewind that I said sadly what I mean to say There's a dependency on a committed relationship for happiness folks all of our happiness resides within Ourselves within that scope of self-love Okay, and I wrote a book about self-love and there's a link below to get a copy of my book What my book is about and I'm not making a pitch for my book I'm really making a pitch for personal development self-help and spiritual work as an as a vaccination to emotional chaos because that's what happens in a in today's Dating and relationship dynamic because oftentimes to misalign people try to come together. They're misaligned. They try to come together Because they're in it for a transactional reason They're in it because they need something from you to fulfill them Kind of stealing a quote from the movie Jerry Maguire I need you to complete me kind of thing and that's not believe me that that quote did more harm than good Now I think one of the challenges most of you women face and I know I'm gonna be sharing something you've seen before But really sit with me here for a second because I want to illustrate a point You're familiar with my three types of people actively dating by the way, you'll notice here. This is not a fact This is merely opinion. There are the users The spenders and the growers really quickly the users are the love bombers. They're the players They're in it for the short run. They're the gold diggers They are the entitled people and I roughly say that's about 20% of the population Now here's the grower and the builders These are the people that want commitment. They are emotionally grown up. They have good relationship skills They have their act together and yet the vast majority of people 60% reside in the spenders They're in the spenders category. These are the people that seek Connection companionship coupling or sex. I just needed another C word. They lack direction. They're fearful of commitment They have no They're they have a dysfunctional life and why I'm bringing this up is many of you are with the men who are spenders and You don't make a stand for the grower and the builder You don't make a stand for yourself to be with a grower and builder Do you know what I mean by making a stand a stand is like look I will not settle For anything less than a person is a grower and a builder and again a grower and a builder is a person that is Has got their act together. They have a sense of direction not just in their professional life but in their emotional life and particularly in the emotional arena of Relationship they have their act together and Sadly most women Don't believe they deserve a grower and builder. That's why they spend so much time with the spenders See spenders are rather easy to spot I know many of you say how do I spot a spender? These are the people that are oftentimes going through a contentious divorce. God forbid they're still married and you know about it Those are spenders. Okay, but they're going through a contentious divorce. They have a significantly contentious Relationship with an ex spouse. They literally ended a previous relationship minutes ago Okay, they have contention going on their professional life Maybe they have contention with their children the ground underneath them isn't solid and they want a little bit of companionship a little bit of connection and a little bit of well a lot of sex usually, okay For a temporary period of time the reason why they're called spenders is they are spending time with you They're not growing with you. They're just merely spending time These are the people who are only capable of what I call a transactional Relationship and if you don't believe you deserve a Grower builder with this mindset of I will walk away from the wrong person so I can make space for the right person Let me repeat that I will walk away from the wrong person to make space for the right person And this is where I witness women over and over again suffer massively in The dating mating and relating realm now. I think it's really important to kind of identify In the early stage of dating what to look for what to look for and I want to read you a quote that was left on my Facebook page this morning I think this is fascinating. So bear with me. Here's the quote from a miss miss Wilson I won't say her first name She says the old the oh the age-old dance of love and compatibility It's like trying to find that perfect blend of coffee beans a Delicate balance of flavors chemistry and the right grind who knew relationships could be so caffeinated Let's sip on the brew of understanding stir Some stir some my growth mindset and hope our romantic lattes stay frothy and delicious Anyone else feeling like a barista in the game of love? Folks, I love this. I love this if someone go back and rewind this and write this down. I'll really appreciate it Maybe I will later But I love this See, I think most of us date Unconsciously really unconsciously there's this fantasy that we've adopted that if there's chemistry There'll be relationship success if there's attraction There'll be relationship success and many of you know my my relationship iceberg chart You know, I'm gonna share it for those are brand-new to my channel okay It lists right now above the waterline attraction is chemistry But compatibility lies in shared values and a shared vision blendable lifestyles and more importantly emotional maturity See if we're not conscious of this in the early stage of dating We might find ourselves with one of these spenders or users given that they're probably 80% of the single population Now here's the thing about a spender. They could be close to the category of grower and builder Okay, they could be working towards that But sadly most are right dead smack in the center of they're just incapable of leaning into a healthy happy relationship And you have only yourself to blame If you accept behavior or accept a standard Less than what you desire. I don't want to say deserve but what you desire Now I get it We humans have a capacity to double down on relationships that just because the minute someone likes us We feel like there's nobody else that can fill that hole See that Jerry McGuire fill that hole fill that space if you will I'm here to say that there are good men out there There are good women out there and by the way when I say spenders and growers when I talk about walking away I'm saying this for both men and women alike It's that capacity men and women who have that Inner self-confidence that says I'm going to make a stand for what I want. I'm going to make a stand for love Now I'm going to share with you five critical things to pay attention And this totally relates to this topic of walking away And I want you to sit with me for the next couple minutes because this is critically important So in the early stage of dating we need connection. There's no doubt about it We need to feel some level of connection with someone it doesn't always have to be physical attraction It could be an energetic connection. It could be an intellectual connection. It could be You know a creative connection some sort of connection, but we need that connection Otherwise, it's never going to have liftoff and we oftentimes think of that as chemistry Chemistry and connection are intertwined. However, the more intense the chemistry Oftentimes the more intense the roller coaster in the relationship. So connection is critically important number two Is kindness kindness you know In the form of being a giver in the form of generosity In the form of appreciation I've witnessed too few people who actually operate on a first date From a place of kindness. It is so The dating process is so riddled on what can I get instead of what can I give? But i'm giving my time jonathan. I got so dressed up I spent all this money to get dressed up on a date. I showed up for the date I deserve a man that pays and treats me on a date Folks, that's a very entitled point of view. I've heard this rhetoric out on tiktok and instagram and youtube How if a woman spends a significant amount of money on her makeup and all the things she does to make herself look pretty for the guy And let's be real. She's doing it for herself And she's actually doing it for all the other women standing around her But when you make that narrative you come across as an entitled person not a kind person And let's face it men who are only in it for the physical attributes of a relationship. They're not very kind They're not coming from a place of giving a place of generosity a place of appreciation Now I just want you to know something ladies One of the fundamental frustrations men have and by the way, I suspect you feel the same way Is lack of feeling appreciated in a relationship You know kind people Generally are appreciative. It's it's like a fundamental appreciate like a And a gentle a grateful mindset See coming back to this whole conversation is about mindset walking away as a mindset of loving yourself Walking away as a mindset of of of having a grateful mindset and it's simply walking away from What doesn't serve you what doesn't serve you at the same time? What will serve you tremendously and this is true for men and women alike is a generous mindset a grateful mindset That's number two number three Is pressure pressure Now, why do I talk about pressure? Well, I want you to think about this women have a propensity to be more of what's known as an anxious attachment style um By the way, I'm just speculating here that maybe 55 percent versus 45 percent You know, I'm just roughly betting that women are slightly more anxious than men but the pressure is to avoid Chasing someone avoid chasing someone and ladies if you're an anxious attachment If you're an avoid attachment style, the pressure would be to lean into Making more effort in the dynamic This is true for men. This is true for women as well. Well the pressure of making either holding back um the desire Or making the effort within desire and this is we need a sense we when I say we okay Let me be frame that those Who oftentimes give too much have to have the pressure of pulling back and those that don't give enough have to make the pressure They have to go outside of their comfort zone is really what we're talking about when we talk about pressure is either to make more effort or To stop making as much effort as the other person I like what matthew hussey says he he uses a phrase called invest in test You make some effort. You see how they respond. They make some effort. You respond You I like to think of the dating man's dance. Excuse me as a ping pong game going back and forth with one another Okay, number three was pressure um number four Is variety variety and this is particularly in the area of seeing people in a variety of different circumstances folks You know a dating Dating if if either going out to dinner, you know once and then doing netflix and chill every single time thereafter You're not seeing a person in a variety of different circumstances to see how they react When they're with different people when they're in different circumstances I know a person I met years ago He'd always say after the first 30 days he take a woman on a vacation just to see how she operated on vacation To see her true personality Now i'll be candid with you I'm a person that struggles when I travel it I I've It creates a lot of heightened anxiety for me I have a slight this this stems from my father It's a wound I had from my childhood and i'm not the best traveler This is why i'm up front with people right from the get-go And by being up front by being aware of your mindset by being aware of your Your your strengths and also your weaknesses you can address things Sooner rather than later and actually form a closer bond with another person by being vulnerable by being authentic by being transparent I'm going to go off subject for a second But I invite you all to write down one of your own red flags What I mean is what what i'm really talking about is write down One or two or three of your true insecurities in life And be aware of what they are In this mating dance because you will get triggered in these areas And building intimacy with someone is talking about these things sooner rather than later And the last and fifth one i'm about to share Is what I call intention Why are we and I want to read my notes. Why are we doing this? What's the purpose of this experience? See growth oriented people people are growth oriented have no problem having deeper conversations those grower and builders Have no problem having those deeper conversations very early on if two people have reached a point where they're kissing with one another Kissing with one or kissing each other excuse me and they plan on seeing each other frequently This is the time to have conversations about what's the purpose? What's the intention? What's the purpose of this experience? What's the intention? What is your goals when it comes to relationship and commitment? And I want you to know Or transactional or fearful people Hope for growth But they're ambivalent to it. They're they're they're making no effort and intention See coming back to walking away when you can walk away When something isn't aligned with your true desires This is all part of an intentional mindset Recently I spoke to a woman who just began dating a man um And she says she she knows he's not the one but he's a good placeholder And i'm like, oh my god. I okay. I get the desire to have a placeholder. I get it But guess what? You are shooting yourself in the foot. You're telling god universe spirit. You know what? I don't want a significant relationship. I'm happy with a placeholder And for every day you spend with a placeholder. It's going to take you that many more days to attract A true partner in your life. So when you're spending time with a placeholder when you lack intention And by the way males do this all the time too. They're with a lot of placeholders These are the transactional people in relationship And when you're spending time with a placeholder you are actually delaying That juicy delicious healthy happy relationship. I all believe you desire From the inside out. Is this sinking in is this resonating if it is please post a comment below I do my best to read them all if it is Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Excuse that burp and hit that notification bell So you can be notified of new videos All right, those who know my format know it's time for q and a If you have a question Write the word question and then post the question thereafter Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign the chat box All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor aslay I shouldn't be laughing. That's a picture of him right there He's my son who passed away Over five years ago in his honor I donate to causes like the hoffman process and insight institute just to name a few and if you're watching the replay Please hit a super. Thanks. I'd love to donate 50 dollars from today's live stream 50 dollars from today's live stream All right, we've got our first question in the house question from gg If you if having a placeholder delays a happy relationship for women, doesn't it also do the same for men? Absolutely, I believe Now by the way, I'm not stating a fact here. I'm merely offering a perspective I think those that engage in um In friends with benefits those engage in casual relationships those who engage in situationships They are most likely in that spender user category They're in the spender user category because a grower and a builder a person who's genuinely a grower and builder Will not accept a placeholder relationship So if a man Is is choosing a woman as a placeholder? He's delaying his opportunity to create a healthy happy relationship in his life and most likely he'll find himself in a transactional relationship at some point He might find himself in a relationship where he uses someone And he's delaying his own opportunity for creating a healthy happy relationship with someone It works for both men and women alike these these uh placeholder relationships I think most people right now today I believe here in the united states. I believe there's something like 120 something like Maybe a hundred million singles. Okay now I'm assuming a lot of them are in a relationship, but they're category Categorizes singles. I would venture to say every button Okay, a majority of people who are not married in a relationship with someone today are most likely in a casual Relationship a situation ship a friends with benefits or a placeholder relationship Placeholder relationship. I would venture to say the majority and when I say majority probably 70 80 90 percent Are in that capacity in that dynamic Any of you that are watching this channel right now? I highly doubt I highly doubt you're in a significant relationship right now um I know some of you might be I'm just saying the majority are probably not because there's Ambiguity in your relationship and if there's ambiguity It's not a significant relationship a significant relationship has no ambiguity And I would suspect that's um how um most are Karen asked me a personal question. How tall are you? I'm six foot two and weigh 207 pounds all right Um, I don't know how to pronounce miss moons question But she's right. I'm moving away and he wants to continue long distance But he had the chance to move with me if he's serious should I cut it off instead? I want to marry I want him to marry me and move on to move to Folks grown-ups have grown-up conversations grown-ups have conversations Wanting someone to marry you um You know continuing a relationship Again, if you get you have to decide are you in a transactional relationship? Are you in something deeper grown-ups have grown-up conversations if he's um, if if you're moving probably for some circumstance And he's unable to move then it probably doesn't make sense to continue the relationship Okay, if he wants to marry you he would marry you and I don't know how long you've been dating But I'm just going to assume this has been at least a year or two I'm just going to make an assumption here Folks within one year. You should know whether or not this is a significant serious relationship That leads to either moving in together getting married or not And if you spent years with someone and there's still ambiguity There's a big problem in your dynamic and it's time to have a serious conversation with them. That's my um, just my Short brief two cents on this one miss moon. Thank you so much Gigi's in the house and she says follow up Then why do men marry the next woman after breaking up with a placeholder? I love this question. Okay folks Why do men marry? Right after they've had a transactional relationship So tell me why is the divorce rate? 65 to 75 on the second and third marriages. Why is that? It's because they're just filling the void. They're filling the gap. They had a placeholder relationship. They had a transactional relationship Or transitional relationship with you And they married the next person not because they're in a healthy space It's because they're trying to fill the void See the placeholder placeholder relationships are missing some key ingredients Usually they're missing intentionality Usually they're missing compatibility in the sense of shared values or blendable lifestyles or emotional maturity and they temporarily marry these people and I say temporarily because folks you know relationship success is it's by the way dating and relationships are a of a broken technology They're a broken technology. They work so little You know if you were going to invest your money in the market and you had a 75 chance of losing it all Would you invest your money? Well, that's what a date and really that's what second and third marriages are It's a 65 to 75 failure rate. Would you get on an airplane that had that kind of failure rate? Fuck no But we'll do it in our love life. Isn't it fascinating folks I just wanted to sit with this for a moment and I'm laughing because human beings are radically We're we're it's almost laughable how we human beings Will enter into a dynamic completely a bit of ambivalent Most human beings I should say and then they're like wondering how did it fail? You know I'm here to say if you haven't learned anything in life relationships require a significant amount of understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. This is why I recommend Um, well, this isn't a dating book And it's not a relationship book the seven principles for making a marriage work by John Gottman Okay, take out the word marriage and just replace it with serious relationship. Okay Why am I bringing by the way all the books I recommend are listed below Why I'm recommending this book is the Gottman Institute had determined the primary reason why most Relationships fail why they end and so they what they've done is they reversed engineered it To figure out how to avoid Divorce how to avoid these dynamics and so having a mindset coming back to this walking away mindset When you understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship and you make a stand for that You won't accept placeholder relationships. You won't accept casual relationships. You won't accept Situationships All right, that's my venting. So I hope that helped Susan says Hey, yes, Jonathan everything I've listened to you say makes so much sense. I should have found you last year I hear that a lot. By the way for those who are interested in working with me privately right here's a link below There's a link in the description as well to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you And by the way, my area of specialty of those in midlife Which I say is after baby making years and before retirement and I'm your big brother I'm the father you should have had talking to you about this stuff If I could be there on a first date for you I'd have this shotgun pointed out the guy's face and saying What's your intentions with my little sister or my daughter? because today we lack consequences for For unintentionally using people there's a lack of consequence Or there is no consequence I should say You see our own ambivalence Gives us a is kind of the past I'm here to suggest a sense of intentionality Now what's interesting to me is I've had friends male friends tell me that they've told women Explicitly I don't want a relationship with you, but I'll have sex with you and these women will continue these relationships Hoping that the guy changes their mind Mindset is everything And I invite you to dive into a mindset of loving yourself. Okay. Let's see what else we have here Lynette said you're spot-on. I'd rather get yourself love book watching from south australia. I hope you enjoy it There's a link below Janet says Hi, jonathan. I have a male friend of 31 years We have been in and out of other relationships recently. We read attached together and found we are both secure avoidance Is that why we work? It could possibly well, I mean you're in and out of relationships He's a male friend. I I don't understand. Are you saying why the friendship works possibly possibly? I don't think it's I don't think friendships are so much I don't think the attach anxious and avoidant attachment style works well I'm going to process that one. Let me think about that one janet Um, Ida ada says we're coming back to the men who marry women They didn't heal from their last relationship And are afraid to be alone exactly exactly Let's veil says sometimes I think I think sometimes a placeholder Better prepare a person for the next relationship because they know better and what they do and don't want okay A transitional relationship has its values for gaining clarity. There is no doubt about it It's when you are if you know They are a placeholder in other words. You clearly know it's not going anywhere It can have the benefit of learning after the fact, but if you're by the way, if you're in a placeholder relationship I think it's bad karma See, I don't think it's fair to the other person I think it's bad karma now sometimes we don't know I that's why I said it takes about a year To really decide is this the person you want to go the distance with it takes roughly about a year with someone Give roughly speaking and but Jonathan I'm in a long-distance relationship for five years and I've never met him and I've only texted them Ladies every time I hear a story like that. I just want to pull my hair out and go. Are you fucking insane? I'm sorry. I get it. You have a neat listen. I'm being cruel here I I'm tough love. Okay I'm like That's just stupid Okay, and and whether you've been doing it for six months, you know Or you know or six years. I just think it's stupid after listen 30 30 to 90 days of maybe some communication long distance and then meeting them But Incessant communication and I'm using this as an example is setting you up for failure It's another placeholder type relationship and those won't prepare you for it But I will say a transitional relationship can help prepare you But if you know, you're in a transitional relationship, it's bad karma to stay in it My opinion anyway Jennifer says third and fourth marriages end in divorce because they usually are based on chemistry and not compatibility I know this from firsthand experience often. Yes, I would say that's generally the case Lulu says miss key says you have hit everything very intellectually with great intent and direction. Thank you for being available to us Oh, that's very sweet. By the way, who's going to donate some money to the connor as a scholarship fund? Hit that little dollar sign the chat box. I want to collect 50 dollars today Uh, jamison says relationships fail because women don't want mutually beneficial relationship. They want all the benefits See, this is a person. Okay. Jamison. I'm just going to be blunt You have been conditioned by the red pill experience to believe that I talk to women who are get used by men all the time See, the problem is human behavior Most humans are thirsty for companionship connection and sex They just don't know how to do commitment because to some degree I would say here in the united states. We have a very self-centric We have a very wounded population. We have a population that says I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself We are a very wounded population men and women alike and within that woundedness now There are a significant number of women who act entitled just like there's a significant number of men who act entitled Okay, and they are uh self-serving. We by the way, what did I say in my fifth in my five Early stage of dating kindness in the form of being a giver Generosity appreciation. Yes, that seems to be lacking significantly. I would agree um Barbara wants to add find that women will explain why they are ending the relationships men will ghost as they can't handle confrontation Again, we can judge men we can judge a man as being a coward I can tell you there are just as many female cowards as men, but I won't say it's all men Sweet chick says you were right. There is absolutely a lack of consequence. Yeah Jamison wants to add monogamy is for suckers I might my suspicion is you're you know, you're a biased person. I get that I believe monogamy and building a relationship with a person is a significantly beautiful thing I know you'll call me a simp. I know you're gonna write it down. So you don't even need to bother You're gonna call me a simp, but I will say You know, I look at my parents who are married 66 years before my mother passed away, you know Um true love is being there for a person wiping the vomit from their cheek When they're going through chemotherapy that to me is real love Anyway Uh always andy says love the tough love Diana says preach it. Well, thank you so much Um, okay. Jamon says how do women get used? They don't pay for men You know, it has nothing to do with the financial dynamic, you know A man can make a lot of promises to a woman And then just dishonor I was yesterday. I was watching the crown And it was about uh Diana and Dodie fied and Dodie fied was engaged with another woman And then he connects with Diana and basically just dumped this woman Said he had made all kinds of promises to her at least this is in the uh in the show and then just dumped her This happens frequently men dump women For somebody else women dump men for someone else. This isn't singular to one gender We have a very self-centric entitled population as it isn't singular to men or women I mean, it's it's to both genders. Anyway Pog says until he's peed on the toilet seat and you don't know them Do they clean it up or not? I guarantee you once that new New wears off they clean it later and not so much I get it. I get it. Thank you for that They all says Jonathan. I'm realizing how wounded I really am I need a lot of self-help and self-love before trying to start a new relationship again And you've been helpful in this process. I'm so happy to hear that folks I highly recommend reading the book the hoffman process the hoffman process This is a deep dive into healing your childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in your life I highly recommend getting into this book so you can be in a great space for attracting A healthier happier emotionally available relationship Um All right, we're gonna give jameson a little bit of one of the floor. That's not getting used bro. That's just life You know what consequences? You know and not that i'm this isn't the karma that uh, dodie fied had but they both died um you know, um You know consequences I think you know our karma folks who here believes in karma who here believes that our actions matter Every single action matters. I do believe that there is some level of karmic consequence that happens out there All right, who here has a question for me If you have a question write the word question and post the question there after Or purchase a super sticker super chat all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor asley the other day um During thanksgiving connor's, uh, one of his best friends sent me a voice message that connor had sent to his friend Truly touched my heart uh listening to my My little rascal that little rascal right there. So just sharing something personal. All right um michelle says we just met a month ago. He drove three hours to see me two days later again Drove three hours to see me and we spent the weekend together Weeks after had phone calls for three or four or five hours Okay, did he get laid on that weekend? And now the question is are you guys dating? This is what I want to know Did he get laid that weekend? And are you guys in a relationship right now? I inquire michelle inquiring minds want to know um all right Always andy says But I also think karma comes as a lesson if you don't wake up or do the work through your experiences Yeah, I do believe karma um does wake us up to growth um Jamison said he didn't drive three hours to talk By the way, the likelihood of this relationship really now you have to really assess Is this relationship compatible with one another? Okay, but that's another conversation You may want to schedule a discovery call with me to see if you're going to be investing in the wrong relationship right now Sweet chick says okay. I have a question Why do men give the other woman they leave you for everything you asked for? And didn't give you and why do they do the opposite that they hated when they were with you? you know Sometimes men end a relationship because you're just you're a pain in the ass Okay Believe me. Sometimes that's one of the reasons why you're a pain in the ass So I'm assuming everybody doesn't think they're the pain in the ass So you have to ask yourself. Why did you stay in a relationship that was most likely missing? a deeper connection See most likely it was missing a deeper connection. You know, it fascinates me is how many women I talked to after the end of a relationship And they're they are literally climbing the walls in lamenting over this guy and I said how good of friends are you? And she goes oh, we weren't that good of friends I'm like if you didn't have a solid Trust me ladies when two people have a solid friendship with one another when two people are Emotionally grown up when two people have good relationship skills and when two people have really great sexual passion with one another Men don't leave those relationships. There was something missing in your relationship Um, and you probably you need to address that sweet chick What was missing from your relationship? And if you're pointing the finger at him I want you to look at the three fingers pointing back at you That's my invitation anyway all right Diana says When told no, he said he was attracted anyway then says he gets plenty of sex from all kinds of women And even loves with one Super scumbag. I got you All right Dale says do you think men can tell when a woman is wounded? Do you think men can tell when a woman is wounded person on the first date or they're looking for signs? I love this question. So bear with me one second. I'm going to open uh Bear with me one second okay This was on a dating app. Okay This was on a dating app I'm going to read that to you And non-negotiable and an ego centric narcissist never been married no contact with kids Expecting women to fawn over him jack ass wasted my time. Okay I don't even have to go on a first date with this person. I know this person is wounded This is a person that is stuck She got hurt In a relationship and she's stuck. By the way, I've gone on first dates with women And I've sat across from them And I can literally see every man that's ever hurt her standing behind her Yes, you women and men When you complain wine bitch about your past relationships when you act like a victim That tells me you haven't done the work to heal I would venture to say 80 of people when they when you're talking to them about their past relationships when they When they're complaining When they're blaming When they're criticizing That's to me a wounded person. Yes, you can find out on a first date Uh their capacity to uh lean into A healthy happy relationship bail so coming back to your question. Yes All right radiant sunshine asked. Why do younger guys prefer mature women? Oh, I love this question. Okay, a couple things Why do younger guys want older women number one? They're less likely to get pregnant Number two, they're usually highly sexually oriented. Okay, usually number three You have an exit strategy when you want to bail on them. You have an exit strategy In other words, you can just say I've decided to find a younger woman. I can have children with they have the built-in exit strategy So rarely now there's always exceptions to the role. I have a friend who's married his wife Is 17 years older than them and they've been married for 25 years. Okay, but why do young men today go after mature women? They're hot. They're sexy. They oh, they'll have plenty of sex. Oh, I forgot this. They most likely Don't want to have children so you don't have to worry about getting them pregnant And they're usually more emotionally grown up than younger women So a younger guy will use a woman for for quite a bit of time God, I mean if I was 25 all over again and there was the internet I would be I'd be hustling all kinds of older women Knowing what I know today. I'm not proud of saying that I'm just being honest when I say that at that age all I wanted was sex sex sex sex But I didn't want the pressure of commitment. That's the beauty of being with an older woman There's no pressure of commitment because you have an exit clause built right into it I'm laughing, but it's not a funny thing got it always Andy is in the house I I met someone organically on a hiking trail. We had a great chat. How do I express interest the next time we cross paths? Ask him out for coffee. So that's simple you cross paths. Hey, do you want to get together for a cup of coffee? Be easy easy peasy. All right, michelle has come back Now he's really busy with his hobbies which dancing and I'm getting insecure because I want to see him more face to face I express did he have sex with you, michelle? Wait a minute. Did you post that somewhere folks? Well, if he got laid I'm sorry, michelle. I'm gonna be blood if he got laid He got what he needed and now he does by the way Men are lays. Okay men. Okay women. You've heard this before men love the hunt men love the chase Men love the hunt. Men love the chase. Do you honestly think men are walking around? I'm hunting a relationship I'm hunting a relationship. No, they're hunting sex. Okay. He hunted sex with you He most likely got the sex with you now He's out to but you know what you're three hours away. We are lazy the minute listen the minute we ejaculate We become incredibly lazy while we're in the hunt for sex. We will swim through Alligators we will climb the highest tower to the you know the highest room in the tallest tower And you should know this Okay, all that rhetoric all that conversation you had was built that it was stoking the fire By the way, so my invitation for you now because this relationship most likely isn't gonna work And I know you're probably pissed at hearing this Okay, is what lessons have you learned from this dynamic? Okay, I could have been wrong Oh, he goes on to say He wants to follow his feelings if there's a dance party. He can't spend time with me and in his mind He wants to be at the party. What do I do? I'm getting more and more insecure. Oh, sweet art You've got to work on your anxious attachment style. You are you are hooked on this guy through oxytocin most likely There's nothing you can do walk away. What's the title of this video? Walk away. It's not about getting him back It's about gaining your own sovereignty. It's about gaining your own self respect If you've done nothing but listen, let's go back to the beginning of this conversation and listen to it again This is all about self respect I'm sorry, michelle um Let's see. Let's keep going bump bump bump bump Bump bump bump. Come on. Do we have any questions? Okay, diana says wouldn't a man come back for more unless you're bad in bed um You know, you know, this is an interesting question about, you know, how good the sex is You know, I think You know, the first time two people are physically intimate might not be that great. Maybe even the second time I think sometimes some people are good lovers. Sometimes people are not good lovers. Okay Um, I believe if two people have a genuine heart connection They have um, as I said earlier, they come from a generous place. They have a bit of pressure There's some variety and some intention They can possibly work on that physical aspect that isn't working for them But that's just my gut reaction to that short post. Okay, norie says question After he left wait He left me after I blocked him for a week because he is not giving me enough time and was pulling away Now I want him back because he was a good person and it was a healthy relationship Well, that was a pretty immature thing you did. So I would own my immaturity I would say I was very immature in the way I acted and I truly um Regret what I did and I have remorse And I make a commitment going forward that when they're let's make a commitment to each other going forward that when We are in a place of uncertainty. We speak up with one another so we can gain clarity instead of this dance of Of playing this game of pulling away and coming back and pulling away of coming back So own it And you have a greater chance for success Spots and me says question. How long should I date? How long should you date someone before you have sex? Okay, I have a rule on sex. It's called cares C A R E S C A R E S the C stands have sex when you're comfortable Do not and Don't have sex with anyone until you feel comfortable And you feel safe with this person and you've built a level of trust Comfortable safe and trust. Okay, or comfortable and trust. Okay. We'll save the safe for the s. Okay um The A stands for aware of the consequences if you bond with a person Moments after having sex then be aware of the consequences. Just remember you can have sex with the person once and never see them again Okay, but if you're going to uh have regular sex with someone then the R stands for real Intentions, what's their real intentions? Are they just in it for casual? Is it a hookup? Is it a friends with benefits? Is it a Situationship learn their real intentions the E stands for exclusive I'm a big believer if you're going to have sex with a person more than once you should be exclusively having sex with them monogamy exclusivity and the s stands for safety and I just said both physical safety in the form of getting cooties Or emotional safety So when should you have sex when you feel comfortable when you're aware of the consequences when you learn their real intentions When you are exclusive with one another if you're going to have regular sex and safety. Okay. Hope that helps spots um Spot says sounds good. Thank you. John. Oh, you didn't say thank you but sounds good um somebody says to noreen healthy relationships if he pulls away and not giving you time nothing is healthy here move on Good point. It's not healthy to pull away. Um, especially out of the blue okay Trust says my uncle ashley. I my monk uncle ashley Uh, I think you mean ass light. I need some advice. I'm 36 dating a man of 50. We are just two months old He has a job. He has a job That's good to hear but i'm studying and he says he will says to me He will go to my country and spend his retirement there. Okay. You're in a long distance dynamic. This is a cyber relationship This is a cyber relationship I don't know what you need from me because there's no real question But cyber relationships rarely ever work out. So just be aware of that Okay Val says True horror story. I slept with a guy on a first date hoping it would cause him to be on his way And he came back. I'm feeling Lol, I'm feeling dysfunctional. I'm sorry. You're feeling dysfunctional mercy says Jonathan we've been in a long distance for six months and now planning to meet He says he just wants to get married as soon as possible. We're both in our 60s By the way, it isn't real until you meet and it isn't real until you've invested regular time together for at least 90 to 120 days. So By the way, there's no question there. You just made a statement. Okay Zora says Should I continue our relationship with a man who mentions paying 50 50 if we are moving in together I tend to give him more than he does throughout our on and off bond Okay I want you to read the book eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman since you're considering moving in together check uh week four We're right here the cost of the cost of love. Okay work and money. Okay By the way Once you think about everybody who gets married typically when two people get married they put their money in the pot Together and they spend from the same pot So moving in together. I'm a believer that the person who makes the most should contribute the most Okay, it's not now. So if you're with a millionaire He should and you make 50 000 a year He should probably cover 99.9 of the stuff but each of you make 100 grand a year You probably should go at it roughly 50 50 if he makes 150 000 a year and you make 100 000 a year He should probably cover two thirds to your one third. That's just a rough analogy in this particular dynamic This is not folks. We are beyond the point that men are this Given that women now outnumber when men in the workforce women have a there are women who make a Significant six-figure income as an example. I believe that the person who makes the most should contribute the most And that's the way you should treat it. That's just my opinion. You take it for what it's worth All right trust is back in the house We are here in the same country as a problem taking care of me and spending on me. What can I do please? Have a conversation with them Have a conversation Folks many of you just are you guys have duct tape over your mouth Okay, you have duct tape over your mouth read the book Nonviolent communication by the way all the books I recommend are listed below read the book nonviolent communication by marshal rosenberg You guys all have duct tape on your mouth in other words You're fearful of this by the way a grown-up relationship means having grown-up conversations And that's what I invite you to do here is have a grown-up conversation okay Rihanna, I don't I may not you are right with the expenses Folks we we got to stop this whole men are the providers and I just sit back in my feminine And I am supposed to submit to a man and all this stuff folks Grown-up relationships have grown-up conversations. Okay, particularly leaving the area of money folks, do you realize that Over half of not quite half of divorces cite money as the primary reason for the ending of the relationship so Think about this having money conversations sooner rather than later Is a very grown-up thing to do and given that divorce people have less resources than those disposable resources Because they're taking children children in such as possible possibly It's important to have these conversations sooner rather than later. That's my invitation for you trust says oops A guy is refusing to invest before his retirement and we've discussed with him before he he is says no I don't really understand what you're asking there trust but I can understand that people by the way You know, let's kind of end on this note Financially speaking relationships are a big risk you know For those of us in midlife, it's not as much of a risk when two people are forming their lives together And building something together when they're in their 20s and 30s But for those of us who are in 40s 50s and 60s there is a financial risk and and actually in the area of Supporting one another when you're elderly and and you may not be able to take care of yourself We have a aging population particularly of singles and there is a fear that the person they are investing in may not Mutually invest with them. This is a scary place to be I can understand that for many people This is why you have to do your due diligence. This is why talking to me as a coach will help you in this area Okay, my job is to help you do a better job of vetting people Um, you know in the early stage of dating so you're not investing in the wrong person Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know folks I'd like to hear your thoughts about this video post a comment below if you have anything to add or share I do my best to read them all As always if you find value in this video, please hit that like button Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well Okay, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. Please excuse the pit stains I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank diane and noran spots and even jameson who is a bit annoying in this particular video radiant uh purple rose sweet chick Solomon radiant sunshine trust diana jen rihanna mercy Let's keep going zora. I think I mentioned ruth everyone. Thanks so much. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. You be well Take care. Bye now