 From Hollywood, the NBC Theatre presents... The director's assignment, production, her husband's affairs, director, S. Sylvan Simon, star, Lucille Ball. The Hollywood screen directors present something to laugh about. The Columbia Pictures comedy, her husband's affairs, starring Lucille Ball and introducing the director of the film, S. Sylvan Simon. One of the most valuable tools in the art of comedy direction is an educated laugh. The scene the director thinks is funny is the scene that finally appears on the screen. Tonight our guest screen director is a man whose laughter has the very best references. He employed it well and often to bring you such grand entertainment as Rhea Rita, Whistling in the Dark, The Fuller Brush Man, and tonight's story, her husband's affairs. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. S. Sylvan Simon. Thank you. After that introduction, I can see a new nickname coming up. Laughing Boy Simon. Actually, even a screen director doesn't go around laughing at thin air except maybe the night before his pictures preview. Nobody minds then because it might be his last laugh in a long while. But most of the time you have to have something to laugh at. For me, her husband's affairs was a lot of fun. I hope you'll enjoy it too as you hear it tonight for the first time on the air starring Lucille Ball in her original role of Margaret with Elliot Lewis as Bill. Time to sell hats for the good old crook shank advertising agency. Crook shank. Bald-headed old booby. Egghead. I'm glad I don't work for him anymore. I'm glad I married you. Bill Weldon, the working girl's refuge. You're a genius and I love you. Crook shank doesn't. I think he hates me. Why? Because you married me and left the agency. Oh, that's ridiculous. That's why I keep telling him. You know, Margaret, even though you practically ran old eggheads business, you're not so bright. Of course not, dear. I'm just as good an advertising man as you are. Better. As a matter of fact, Margaret, I hate to say this. But when we worked together, you used to drive me nuts. Bill. That's true. Always coming up with bright ideas and cramping my style. Well, I hate to say this, dear, but I'm not cramping your style anymore and look at us. We've been married a year and we still haven't even enough money to go on a honeymoon. Well, we'll take that cruise to Bermuda when our investment pays off. Some investment, spending all our money on that goonie Professor Glinka in his crazy experiments. He isn't either crazy. He is too. Professor Glinka happens to be my partner and I'm proud to have him use our garage for his experiments. Even if the insurance company did cancel the policy. But he's crazy. What's crazy about trying to make rubber out of banana peels? Margaret, what you don't seem to understand is that the professor is going to make us fabulously wealthy. I don't want to be fabulously wealthy. All I want is a honeymoon. I'm sorry, we haven't got any money. But we can get some. Crookshank promised you a $5,000 bonus if you can think up an idea to sell more top-L lightweight hats. I'm working on it. I'll help you. Margaret, stop meddling. I don't need any help. You're a good slogan writer, Bill. Got any slogans? As a matter of fact, I have. Tell me. Here's one. If you can't wear a feather in your cap, wear one on your head. Too pessimistic. Please, honey, I don't want your creative ideas. Just agree with me. I was only trying to help you, dear. I know. I know you are, dear. You have the finest noblest character since little orphan Annie. But stop using it on me. All right, all right. All right. If it happens, I'm not fussy about that slogan myself. Here is the clincher. Short, dignified. Now listen. I'm listening. You never know you're wearing one, but other people do. Well. It's perfect. That's our slogan. My slogan. Your slogan, dear. And it's worth $5,000. Well, that's a good day's work. Let's go back to sleep. Oh, no. Oh, no. We're going right downtown and sell it to Crookshank, and then we're off to Bermuda. You never know you're wearing one, but other people do. That's it, boss. Isn't it wonderful? You did a fine job, Margaret. Grab. Splendid. Oh, it's Bill's slogan. He wrote it. Oh, if he wrote it, I don't like it. What's wrong with it? Mr. Crookshank, this isn't just a slogan. It's a campaign, a stroke of genius. Oh, do you really think so, Margaret? I know so. Now take it from me, Mr. Crookshank. Well, Margaret, you haven't been wrong yet. If you say so, I'll use it. Well, how about the $5,000? I'll make out the check right away. I'll tell the truth, Bill. Did you write that slogan yourself? Of course he did, Mr. Crookshank. It was all Bill's idea. Well, here's the check. It gives me great pleasure to present it to you. Thanks, boss. There you are, Margaret. Oh, thank you. Mr. Crookshank, I also thank you on behalf of my brilliant wife. Come on, Bill. Run along, Margaret. Enjoy the money. You earned it. Bill, we're going. At last, we're going to Bermuda. Isn't that nice? Oh, darling, you're not angry, are you? Who, me? Angry? Of course not. Why should I be angry just because Crookshank paid you $5,000 for my idea? My dear Margaret, you're not married to an ungrateful cad. You were superb. I enjoyed your entire performance from my little dunce seat in the corner. You are sore. A complex. That's what's wrong with you. A U.S. Marines complex always coming to the rescue. You don't love me anymore? Of course I love you. But why can't you let your husband handle his own affairs? Oh, darling, I'm just an idiot. Now that's the way I like to hear you talk. And I won't interfere anymore. I love you. I love you. I love you. Kiss me. All right. Mr. Wellman. Mrs. Wellman. Oh, it's Professor Glinka. Hi, Professor. What are you doing here? I had to see you. An emergency. No more money. But he hasn't even... You're sorry, Professor, but we're going to Bermuda. Yes, but I'm on the verge of a great discovery. You mean you know how to make rubber out of banana peels? Rubber schmubber. Who wants rubber? All my life I've searched for the secret of eternal man. A way to preserve humanity forever. And now the secret is almost within my grasp. A few more days. A few more dollars. What we're having safe. What is it? Embalming fluids. I buy him $400 worth of bananas and he comes up with embalming fluid. What did you expect? Fruit salad? This is not an ordinary embalming fluid. My invention will convert people into glass. Glass? In any position. You mean every man becomes his own tombstone? Everybody can pick out in advance what kind of statue he wants to become. How beautiful. How touchy. Oh boy, I can see it now. Let Weldon and Glinka model you for eternity. I need money to buy more equipment, Mr. Weldon. We can't afford it. Pardon me. This is like saying you can't afford to become rich. Yeah, Margaret, that's right. No, Bill, we're going to Bermuda. Okay, okay. No dice, Professor. Well, I wait. Maybe you change your mind. Goodbye, Glinka. Oh, I almost forgot. I brought you a little present, Mr. Weldon. Here, this jar. What's in it? A little something I made out of my embalming fluid. Please, Professor, I love life. No, please understand. It's only by-product. Good for nothing but removing hair. It removes hair? Instantly. Bill, don't fool me. No shaving? No razor? Rabitane, rabidof, no more whiskers. Silly, isn't it? Silly. Margaret, this is it. This is going to make us rich. It's a miracle. I always said I was a genius. Please, Mr. Weldon, my embalming fluid is a problem. Later, Professor, later. Come on, Margaret. Let's eat crook shank. We've got work to do. But what about our honeymoon? Margaret, what's more important? The honeymoon or the whiskers of the world? Amazing, Weldon, amazing. This means the end of the stone age in shaving. Man will no longer be a savage in the bathroom. Bill's right, Mr. Crook shank. Can you say you have any interest in it? Complete control of the commercial rights. Let's start selling. Right. And Miss Brady, get me the sales department. We have to think of a name. We must have a name for the invention. Off again. How about the off again cream? Wonderful. Take them off again with off again. Weldon, your wife has solved our first problem. Now it's up to you. Thank you, dear. Mr. Crook shank will start publicizing off again tonight. We'll set up a banquet for 750 guests. We'll get movie stars, celebrities. I'll have the governor there. The governor. He's running for reelection. Be glad of the publicity. Good. I want every man unshaven. We'll make it a mass-shaving demonstration. Beside every plate, we'll have a jar of off again. Oh, Bill, you're a genius. I was proud of you tonight. The way you talked to all those people, the governor and the mayor. Oh, it was nothing. Any other genius could have done it? Forty-three, forty-four, forty-five. What are you doing? Counting million-dollar bills jumping over a fence. Oh, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight. Forty-nine. Bill, you won't change when we're rich, will you? No, of course not. I'll always be the same plain simple bill. But, honey, I still think you're wrong. But what, dear? Not having a personal maid. You might as well, as long as... Oh, but, Bill, we're having a cook, two housemaids, a laundress, a chauffeur, a stable boy, and a butler. Yeah, but if you don't have a personal maid, it puts me in an awful jam. How, Bill? How can I have a valid if you don't have a personal maid? I'd look like a jerk. All right, I'll have one. Thanks, honey. Oh, good. Margaret? Margaret, what's wrong? Bill, we're going to have a big house, aren't we? Yeah, kind of. Reminds me, I wonder where I can find the floor plans for the Taj Mahal. And we're going to be lost in a forest of butlers and maids. And it won't be the same, and I'm scared. Oh, no, no, don't talk crazy. I just love this room. And I will have 20 bedrooms, and I'll never be able to find you. It's no fun. Oh, well, darling. Darling will only have one. You promise? I promise. Scout's honor. All right, then I'll know you haven't changed. Good night, dear. Good night, Bill. Get away from me. Oh. Oh, yes, Mr. Kruikshank. He's here. Who is it? Do you want to... Bill isn't an income poop. What? What? But that's impossible. The governor... What? Oh, no. But there must be something we can do. The police? What? Mr. Kruikshank. Mr... He hung up. What is it? Oh, Bill. Bill, there won't be any big house. No servants. Bill, we aren't going to be rich. And Mr. Kruikshank says the governor's going to put you in jail. What are you talking about? Bill, you'll have to hide. I'll think of something. I won't let them take you away. Margaret, will you talk sense? Professor... Professor Glinka's cream. It backfired. All the guests have beards a foot long. And Bill, they're still growing. You are listening to the Hollywood Screen Director's presentation of her husband's affairs, starring Lucille Ball with Elliot Lewis, and introducing the director of the film, S. Sylvan Simon. If you bungling idiot, look at this bill. No, no, no. Governor, don't get excited. Be calm. Look at me. I've shaved five times since eight o'clock this morning. I'm sure. I'm sure the doctor can do something. Can't you, Dr. Sandler? This injection should do the trick. Just hold still, Governor. The cream seems to have overstimulated your pituitary glands. You'll be all right in a few hours. I'd better be. That idiot Weldon and his insane scientists. I've got the police coming in the city for them right now. They'll pay for this. Good morning, Mr. Krugshank. Good morning, Governor. Oh, Margaret, thank heaven you're here. Where's your lunatic husband? Oh, he's celebrating. What the devil has he got to celebrate? Easy, Governor, easy. You can put your trust in Margaret. Trust in Margaret? My wife put some of that concoction on her upper lip. How can I trust in Margaret when I've got a wife who looks like Joe Starley? Husband of yours has certainly done it this time. He certainly has. Bill has presented the world with one of man's most precious gifts. Throw her out of here. I wanted Bill to tell you all this himself, but I can't wait. Mr. Krugshank, we've got a new name for off again, a much better name. Name, name, what's in a name? It still grows hair. It's grown so much hair that you're all blind to the fact that it isn't a hair remover at all. It's a hair restorer. Put it on your head, not on your face. There's millions in it. All you have to do is change its name to on again. Great God. On again? Here, I brought some with me. In a few hours even you can be an Adonis. Try it, Aged. I mean, Mr. Krugshank. Oh, I will, I certainly will. Hair, can you imagine? I'm a little thin on top myself. The women voters, you know, may I try? Certainly, Governor. Gentlemen, when you look in your mirrors tonight, you can thank Bill Weldon for what you see. I'll call off the police immediately. That young man is to be commended. It might be Bill's idea, but it seems to have Margaret's touch. But anyway, gentlemen, let us show our appreciation to Bill Weldon. All together, sing. For he's a Johnnie Goodwill. For he's a Johnnie Goodwill. Professor Glinka! Professor Glinka! I'm afraid to go in the house. Police are after me. They came and went. I watched them from the tree in the backyard. I've got to go get some dry clothes. I've been hiding in the sewer. Not yet. You better wait till it's dark. Listen to me. I listened to you once and look what happened last night a millionaire. Today a sewer rat. I should have warned you. Glinka, how could you do this to me? You must understand, an invention is basically an embalming fluid to preserve people after death by turning them into glass. But you didn't say anything about growing beards. Yeah, well, it seems, Mr. Weldon, that the by-product is somewhat unpredictable. In its present state, if my shave, if my grow hair, it might have even more unusual effects. I'm not interested. You're not interested? I must devote myself to my embalming fluid to finding the secret of eternal life. Look, unless we do something about that cream, they'll toss us in the pokey. Can't you punch it into shape somehow? Well, then grow hair on my fist. Look, Glinka, this is our next. Well, I'll try. But I'm warning you, anything can happen. Okay, okay, but make it fast. I'll be down in the sewer if you want me. Try to sneak into the house as soon as it gets dark. Oh, Mr. Cruikshank, come in. Margaret, Margaret, it's wonderful, wonderful. What is? Sit down, Mr. Cruikshank. On again. Look, I'll take my hat off. Oh, is it real? Did you ever see such a beautiful head of hair? Did it all grow in at once or sort of sprout in sections? It grew like a blossoming flower. I owe it all to you and Bill, every hair on my head. Bill's a genius. Has the governor phoned yet? Well, I know, should he? I left word for him to call your house. His hair is due at six o'clock. Bill, where is Bill? I don't know. He hasn't run off again with off again, has he? Oh, no, no, he'd never do that. That door, somebody's there. Oh, it must be Bill. Oh, well then, come here. Don't shoot, Cruikshank, I'll go quietly. Come on in, dear, it's all right. Nobody's mad at you anymore. The governor called off the police. Everything's fine now. It is? Well, I'm sure glad to get out of that sewer. Hey, Cruikshank, where'd you get the snappy toupee? This is real. It grew in since this morning. You two have earned my undying gratitude, Wellington. We all knew, Margaret, and you would think of something to get us out of this mess. Oh, yeah, well, the professor and I will have off again in a week. Bill, there is no off again. It's on again, remember? What are you talking about? Oh, no, Bill, don't be modest. You deserve a share of the credit, too, you know. Something tells me my little wife has been helping me again. Wasn't it your idea to turn off again into on again? No, it wasn't. That's stupid. But, darling, it grows hair. So what? Who wants a beard grower? Not beards, Bill. Hair on the head. Who the devil wants hair? I do. An emillion like me. If there were a million like you, I'd kill myself. It'll make a fortune, Bill. Oh, you're out of your mind. It doesn't compare with off again. It's just a sock for a handful of egg heads. Egg heads? Look at this. Look at my hair. You mean to say you put that stuff on your head? Certainly. And so did the governor. That doesn't. I suppose that idea came from my brain-laden spouse, too. Bill, it was for your own good. My own good? Don't you know that cream is unpredictable? Anything can happen to egg heads' head. Although, in his case, it'll probably be an improvement. But, Bill... Of all the idiotic butinsky tricks you've pulled on me, this is the worst. Prancing in like a primadonna and pulling the rug out from under. Oh, you're talking like a child. I should have kept you out of jail, didn't I? I was doing all right myself, wonder girl. That's probably the governor now. I'll bet. You'll want to thank you personally instead of locking you up. If it wasn't for me, you'd be a convict. Hello? Mrs. Weldon? Yes? This is Dr. Sandler. I'm speaking to you from the governor's bedside. Oh, dear. Is he ill? He wants to speak to you himself. Just hold on. It's Mrs. Weldon. Where are they? Throwback, husband of yours and that lunatic scientist. Is something wrong, governor? Wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong. That miracle cream has turned my head into glass. Oh, no. How can a fishbowl run for reelection? I'm ruined. My cranium has been sabotaged. I look like a chandelier. You mean glass? Real glass? Yes, yes. Listen, I'll tap it. Awfully sorry, governor. Your maniac husband will be sorry. I'm calling out the state militia. Those two are going to jail. Oh! Orders. Bill, they tried to keep me from seeing you. You're darn tooting they did. I told them to. I'm happy in jail. I'm safe. My wife can't help me. Bill, don't you want to go to Bermuda with me? Unless you're wearing a muzzle. Don't be angry, Bill. I was only trying to... Don't say it. You're only trying to help me. I started out to make a fortune. With your help, I wound up in jail. But everything's all right now. And that's what you said the last time they arrested me. But darling, this time I really fixed it. The professor and I made a deal with the governor. Oh no, now they're probably hang me. No, darling, it's all right. Glinka fixed the governor's head. So now he's letting you go. I don't want to go. I don't want to be helped. It might kill me. I'd rather just die here in prison. Peacefully. A broken old man. Aw, please, Bill. I'm sorry. I'll never help you again. You mean that? I promise. No more meddling? No more mixing in my affairs? No more. You saw me swear? Scouts' honor. We're going to Bermuda. Well, we've still got the $5,000 from the Top L hat account, haven't we? Another visitor for you, Weldon. Professor! Mr. Weldon, Mrs. Weldon. I had to see you. I've just made the most amazing discovery. Look at this flower. It's beautiful, professor, but we're not interested. No, feel it. Go ahead and touch it. Yeah, let me see. Holy Ike, it's steel. It's embalmed. Petrified. We last forever. But it still has its perfume. Certainly. It fell into my embalming fluid by accident. A perpetual flower. This makes Luther Burbank look like a high school student. Thank you. All I need to develop it is a few hundred dollars. No, professor, we're sorry. Margaret, honey, don't you realize what this means? It's not as big as off again, but it's still a million a year. We're back in business. Well, I don't know, Bill. We have to find a name for it. Forever flower. How about the forever flower? The forever flower. Eternal beauty. The artist's answer to the atom bomb. Indestructible loveliness. Bermuda will have to wait. Oh, there's always Bermuda, darling. Let's go to work. Bill. What? You're a genius. Our guests will return in just a moment. Next week, the NBC theater sets its course for Around the World Romance as we present the intriguing motion picture story, Trade Winds, and our star will be Frederick March. And I'll hear again our tonight stars, Lucille Ball and Elliot Lewis, and screen director, S. Sylvan Simon. You know, Elliot, Sylvan Simon is a very important man in the motion picture business. He is? Yes, as well as being a director, he's a producer. I guess that keeps you pretty busy, huh, Mr. Simon? Well, every once in a while, I manage to get away and relax with my hobby. What is your hobby, Sylvan? Hitting my head against the wall. Hitting your head against the wall? That's crazy. Not for me, it isn't. Why not? Because of the difference between directors and producers. Well, what is the difference? Well, it's a matter of responsibility. If you're a director, then they're producers responsible for everything that goes wrong on a picture. And if you're a producer? Then you put all the blame on the director. Uh-huh. Well, wait a minute. What happens if you're both, like you? Rather, you hit your head against the wall. Good night, Lucille. Good night. Good night, good night. Good night, everyone. And good night to you, Lucille Ball, Elliott Lewis, and S. Sylvan Simon. Her husband's affairs was presented through the courtesy of Columbia Pictures, producers of the soon-to-be-released film, Lust for Gold, starring Glenn Ford and Ida Lupino. S. Sylvan Simon's latest production is Columbia Pictures' Miss Grant Takes Richmond, starring Lucille Ball, who will also be seen in the forthcoming Paramount production, Sourful Jones. Included in tonight's cast were Hans Conrad, Wilms Herbert, Jane Avello, Ken Christie, Herb Lytton, and Dan Riss. Her husband's affairs was adapted for radio by Richard Alan Simmons, and original music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. Production was under the supervision of Howard Wiley, associate producer Bill Karn. Your announcer has been Frank Barton. Listen again next week when the NBC Theatre presents Screen Directors' Assignment, Production, Trade Wins, Director, Tay Garnett. Star, Frederick March. The NBC Theatre came to you from Hollywood. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.