 Does that look okay? Am I looking at you when we do this? Yeah, okay, fair enough. Where's it cut off from? I'm one of three girls. I played sports and video games with my mates and all that kind of stuff. I think when I was at school I probably had an inkling that I wasn't really interested in boys. I sort of was in a place where I didn't fit in a huge amount, like with any particular sort of group. I suppose I started suspecting in my mid-teens that I was a little bit different. Yeah, I started playing rugby. I was 110 kilos of muscle. I was dressed in a little pink dress and she popped me up on the counter and the material lady said, what a beautiful little girl, what's your idea? And I said, Gavin. I sort of had in the back of my mind that all guys sort of had an interest but it was just a thing that you went through in your teens. I was born into a very religious family. I used to go to church every Sunday, youth every Friday, bubble study every Wednesday and for me being gay was definitely not an option. When I hit the wonderful age of about 40, I decided that I'd tried straight life so perhaps gay life might be the way to go. I must have been about 38 or something like that when I went back to UK and met my current wife. She worked out. She said, you know, you like shopping too much. You understand fashion too well. It's something that's not quite right here. You must be transgender or if you want to, do you want to see something about it and you've got my blessing to go ahead and change and do whatever you need to do. Watching, I suppose like the girls that I grew up with embracing their femininity through high school and their childhood and really sort of running with it and enjoying it and loving that process of growing into a woman and I could never just in jail with me. It was pretty scary to sort of feel disconnected to something that should be so fundamental. I thought that I'd actually be considered like less of a person. I had my own ideas in my head of what it meant to be gay and I'd kind of look at that and say, well I don't fit that. And I can remember being around other police officers and senior police officers and thinking I'm not going to tell anyone that I'm gay. If I had said something while I was at school with my local doctor there, I would have been put in a straight jacket and locked up somewhere. It sometimes did feel like that there was a great big dark hole waiting to actually open up and swallow you and take you away. It's just turmoil. Complete turmoil goes on. Predominantly the perceptions I had was that I wouldn't be accepted. That I would be shunned. That was probably the worst of it, understanding who you are but not being able to share it was pretty bad. And for a few years there I considered that the best option was to actually take my own life. That would be the easiest thing to do. I guess I had to pick a time and a date to sort of be honest with my mum. My older sister walked in and she said, Ben's got something to tell you but he's too scared to tell you so I'm going to tell you but he's gay. And she's like, yeah, whatever. I just kept dining. My oldest daughter actually rang me up one day and said, Dad, I've got a question to ask you. And I went, oh yeah, okay. And she said, are you gay? To which I then burst into tears. I think she could see that there was something that I wanted to say and she ended up just saying to me like what is it, spit it out, it's fine, don't worry. And so I ended up telling her that I'd met someone and she was like, okay. And I said, yeah, mum, it's a guy. I actually wrote the moral letter. So I wrote the moral letter and I immediately got phone calls as soon as the letters arrived of support. She said to me, look at my son and I'll always love you, no matter what. My mum asked me, Loretta, do you have a relationship with this girl? Do you have an intimate relationship with her? And I said, yes. And she said, your dad is going to be so disappointed. I think it was quite devastating for her. And it took a few years for her to come right, but she's absolutely amazing now. Yeah, so everything's perfect. When I was more truthful to myself and took it a little bit more seriously, that's when I told my older sister and went, I think this is the case. And she was basically like, so. I guess for me, one of the things that I've always regretted is I never told mum that I was gay. Even though Adrian was living in the same house, separate bedroom, so we respected mum. And I guess it was one of those things that I look back now and I wish I had have had that conversation with her. I started to be more comfortable about, you know, within myself and also with the concept that your sexual orientation and or your gender identity doesn't define you. I expected a far colder reception than what I received, I think. I suppose it just goes to show there's nothing to ever be scared of. Everyone said it doesn't make any difference. We're still your sister's brother's mother-father. We'll support you 110% no matter what. That weight lifted off my shoulders made my life immeasurably easier and just to be able to live my life, honestly, for the first time. Eventually came from a very dark place of depression and force of suicide to a really bright future. I've gone on to not only spend 17 years in this wonderful job to have a daughter and I have my friends and family. I love my job and I'm out and proud at work and there is no part of my life that needs to be hidden. There is no part of my life that I need to be fearful of. I'm a proud lesbian woman, but that alone doesn't define who I am. I'm the same sarcastic pommie underneath, but I've just got to change the wallpaper. And I've come to a point where I understand that people will just accept you for the person that you are. And in a professional setting, I guess for the police officer or the bomb technician that you are. I feel like I always wanted to be a police officer. When my brother and I were little, we'd always play cops and robbers. He was never allowed to be the cop. I guess I grew up thinking, ah, one day I'd maybe like to join the police. I thought, no, you can't be in there if you're gay. There's no gays in the police. You've got to be tough and macho. And I suddenly realised, actually, this is part of the family I've been missing from. And I put my application in and I've never looked back. It's been one of the best journeys I've ever been on. The first day in the car with my field training officer and he says to me, so, Lorena, what are you? Are you gay, straight, bisexual? And I was like, whoa, I've already made this decision to, you know, tell the lie, but he's just made it so much easier for me. Just because we're gay doesn't make any difference to the job we do. We're police and we do a job and we try and do it to the best of our ability. We're all equal and we're all just like each other and the only difference is is our sexuality. You know, since I joined in the late 80s, it's really taken leaps and bounds. There's been a few times where you come across someone in your work who you can see is going through the same things that you went through. It's an important part of my career focus now is to provide advice and support for younger people because it was absent when we were all younger. Definitely talk to someone, speak to an LGETI liaison officer. And if you give them a chance, they're there and they're waiting to help you. You know, you have to let them reach for you or you have to reach out for them and let them know that you need them. To know that I could make a difference or help somebody through those struggles would mean the world to me. To actually demonstrate that you can actually make a difference and it does get better. But if I can get answers and help to those kiddies and think, yeah, okay, look, you know, if you're feeling this, this could be a reason. Don't be ashamed, you know, don't hide it. In time, things do get better. It's this massive weight off your shoulders. I kind of look forward to a future where there isn't a time where people need to come out. Just be who you are because there's nothing wrong with it. You should be proud of who you are. You might not seem like it at the time and you might seem like you're the only person going through your experience but can I show you that you're not the only person going through what you're going through? When I believed in myself, it got better. When I was honest with myself, it got better. You know, it's a hard road initially but to use the words, it does get better. It does get better. You never get up. I'm better. It's okay. Absolutely it does get better. It does get better. It really does.