 Okay Karen Lopez take it away. I'm Karen Lopez. I'm data chick and I'm here to tell you about all my data in your systems And just because you're schemalists or no SQL there is absolutely no reason why you have to Not think about data quality and data requirements both data as it persists and as it comes out of your systems So there's four questions that can't answer about me in your systems is what is your phone number? Where do you live? What's your date of birth and what's your name? Can you believe that? This is my favorite rant that I talk about especially in lightning talks, but even in longer things So here's the first one. What is your home phone number? What is your work phone number? Guess what people home numbers and work numbers no longer exist? How many people have both of those as two separate landlines now? Yeah, it's exactly what I thought But yet our systems still persist on doing that. We put them on forms We put them on screens we storm in the database that way and they don't exist Then we have that other problem see that 416 that by the way, that's my real phone number Feel free to call me. I will never answer the phone, but That's a foreign area code it belongs in Canada and if your system screens for non US phone numbers You're not getting my phone number. You're getting the White House the DEA the NSA. Well, they already have it So the other problem we have is where do you live? I have no idea. I live in Canada That's another country by the way And I can guarantee you there's a system someplace in your enterprise that won't print the country name on an envelope Or a mailing or on a form See that care of Canada that's courtesy of the US State Department who has no idea that Canada is another company country So they have to stick a sticker on it Then we have the association of information technology professionals that's to put a sticker on it and hand write it to mail to me Then we have my voter registration, which thinks I'm upside down in Delaware County And so when you ask for my zip code and postal code, but don't take numbers I'm telling you I'm getting the zip code for hell michigan. That's 48169 Because that's where you're going when you won't take letters. What is your date of birth? Yes, that's me and my twin brother down there. I was going to be an astronaut ben even We have the same birth date twins get it got my first got one of my driver's licenses Date of birth on it was wrong. So I went back to the dmv and I said you have to change my birth date It's wrong, but you know what you can't change your birth date in their system because whose birthdays change. Nobody's right So to drag my twin brother who's also the local sheriff down to the dmv make him show his driver's license So they would change it to match mine But what they really wanted me to do is go to court and prove that I was born on another day But here's the worst one of mine. What's your name? When I first got my first us passport, they took all those funny Hispanic middle names that I had and insisted they had to be in alphabetical order So that meant That now I had all these id's with different middle names, but it didn't matter It's your passport you're 20 years old. Who the heck cares what they put on your passport Guess what? Fast-forward just a few years later and now it has to match everything on my boarding passes But look at these boarding passes this week. I'm Karina. That's my spy name by the way But sometimes I'm Karen m Karen mms Karen m Lopez k I'm Karina in other places sometimes people ship things to me at data chick I think that drives postal service crazy I have one of those fancy characters in my name that your computer system won't take So people just randomly put accents over the letters and then we also have these systems where Heaven forbid my husband and I have different last names but in the city of Toronto to register my property We had to have the same last name So now when he kicks off and I go to get my house I'm going to have to change my name And then we have the starbucks problem. Everyone has a starbucks name, right? If you don't you're missing out My starbucks name is kitty with two t's and yet we get kitty kitty kitty kitty. This is the ultimate unstructured data, right? this is Verbal data and then we have the classic ups. You know what this is? This is my last name. This is low ampersand escape with utility amp amp superimpose 3 and pes Your data might be in your database, right, but it isn't coming out that way You know that, right? So here's what you must do to love your data I want you to fight myths about names. There's a great blog post out there that lists like 100 different myths about people's names You should go find it you need to expand your world and so to all your developers and people writing your reports You need to support the full lifecycle data. That's delete update and insert I don't care what your database does but in the real world data has to be deleted updated and inserted And you need to memorize this and tell your developers if you want your database to simple Go out and make the world simple and then come back to me and I will make it all simple So whoops, so don't ask me what my name is what are my addresses what country I live in What my phone number is I don't know until you tell me So you're keep calm love your data your data needs more cowbell. There's family Okay