 So one of our members recently posted about a man whom she met who seems like a really great guy except he has some issues with his hygiene and his and his car is filthy So I wanted to lean into this conversation because I once had a therapist tell me that That behaviors can be modified Personality can't be changed so in this particular case a man who has weak hygiene and a dirty car is a Behavior and that is certainly something that can be changed over time The real challenge is are they really going to change those behaviors because quite frankly? I think cleanliness both in one's hygiene and certainly the way they present their home the way they present their car Gives you an indication of how cluttered their life might be or how Unclean their life might be The thing is though there are circumstances where a person can change so for example when I moved in with my sweetheart There's a picture of her and I right there, you know, I wasn't always the cleanest person I wouldn't always put things away when you live by yourself You might have a habit of leaving the dishes unclean for a day or two. That was my habit Although I always made my bed And and when we moved in together that was something that she made a request that we always before we go to bed Make sure we wake up to a clean kitchen kitchen So that was certainly something I could change or I could certainly modify in my life as a request for my partner But when we talk about the differences between Modifying a behavior versus changing a personality the reality is is there are some personality traits that it's not our Responsibility to change for them nor are they even capable of changing those personalities for example? narcissistic behavior Somebody who is self-centric self-centered more myopic in their life that they only focus on themselves That's a behavior. That's going to require a tremendous amount or excuse me. Yeah, that's a that's a personality trait that's going to take a tremendous amount of individual work and Perspective work to actually begin to change that within someone's life So when we think about the dating mating and relating I want to differentiate between things like their character kindness fun and play Intentionality versus things like Okay, so those are things that were it's you know, someone's character isn't really a Generous person. It's very rare that they're going to change that part of their personality if they're not generous If they're not kind now the root of this might have happened from a childhood wound or trauma That makes it very difficult for them to actually lean into changing that Now the other thing that can't be changed is a person's height. Okay, that's something that can't be changed Their eye color can't be changed. However, someone's physical appearance can be changed In other words, a person can lose weight a person could start eating healthier. Those are things that actually can change So if you met a guy who's maybe a little bit pudgy, that's something that can be changed that can be modified By shifting diet. Okay. Now the thing is about the cleanliness, you know to me That's not a good sign. Is that a red flag? Yeah, that's a red flag because if a person hits 62 years old as in this particular case and unless it's situational where Maybe in the particular case that particular day. He didn't get a chance to shower He worked out and rushed out to see the person which I doubt that's the case You know, that could be a reflection of their hygiene or if their car was messy because they've just moved Someone they were helping move someone that could be situational However, my my senses these were certain behaviors for this person that is relatively ingrained Now the challenge with those of us in midlife is the older people get the more set they are in their ways and unless they have a Significant humbling event in their life When a man goes through a humbling invent in event in his life It might put him on a path of growth It might put him on a path of self-discovery or What oftentimes happens when people have a humbling event and they're unable to cope with that humbling event They begin to lean to drugs and alcohol as a way to Self-medicate a humbling event So for example in my particular case I had two major humbling events happen in my life in In when you know after going through a divorce I found myself I lost my quarter million dollar your job that directly affected my identity and in that humbling event I found that I was a My personality was a bit selfish even though I had a generous nature. I had a selfish nature as well and in that I began to change my personality of being a little bit selfish and Then by little by little over time I had this major humbling event and little by little over time over about a five to ten year period I became more compassionate more empathetic more giving more caring and Certainly by the time I lost my son and there's a picture of my son right there who passed away. That's Connor When I my son passed away a huge humbling event It actually encouraged me to start exploring. What does it mean to love oneself? But more importantly, what does it mean to love others? This is why I wrote my book what the heck a self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book By going through these experiences My my personality began to change my my behaviors began to change but I needed a significant humbling event So in the case of the person who's hygiene and a car isn't clean You know could be that maybe this person needs a wake-up call Maybe this person needs to be told like look, you know point blank in a kind loving way Say look Tim or whatever his name is you seem like a really good person with good character and I've noticed that You don't seem to take care of yourself both in your physical appearance and in the things you have in your life And it's okay if I ask you What's up with that? You know like it's okay by the way folks. It's okay to ask these questions It's okay to say I notice that you don't seem to take care of yourself from a cleanliness perspective And certainly your car seems like it's not something that's well kept. Can you share with me as it's coming up? Now in this particular case this person had a trauma in his childhood Where his mother I believe committed suicide when he was 16 years old Well, that's a traumatic event. It's not a humbling event It's a traumatic event and in that particular case and I don't know to the extent of healing and therapy He's done certainly. It's been something like 46 years since that experience It might have caused him to to withdraw within and not be capable of a significant relationship and then you have to ask yourself is This really a capacity of his hygiene and his car as an example Or is this something even deeply rooted in his incapacity to actually Be to care for someone else in his life because it seems like he doesn't care for himself Now might be that you bring this to his attention and he values you he might make a change. That's quite a possibility. I Highly doubt it though because it's such an ingrained part of his behavior But that's certainly a possibility just like when I started to clean the kitchen Every single night before we went to bed. We take turns by the way But deeply ingrained Behaviors are oftentimes either need a humbling event or it needs the awareness for this person to see Sometimes people aren't aware that that behavior within themselves is actually present So by merely bring it to his attention, it might shift the behavior might not But when we talk about personality folks, I think this is really critically important does their actions match their words That's a really important Aspect of a person's personality. Do they have victor consciousness or did they have victim consciousness? Sadly here in the United States. We are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness It's easier to blame others instead of taking ownership for one's position in life. I Think another personality trait that's critically important is good conflict Resolution skills good conflict resume in other words if someone brings up an issue Do they have the capacity to listen to your point of view? Acknowledge your point of view and more importantly express their own point of view in a non Defensive way or at least not in a power struggle way because your point of view is true for you You know conflict resolution skills is one of the critically important personality traits for an effective healthy happy relationship in addition is is the ability to be Empathetic and empathetic isn't just I can feel your feelings empathetic is I care about my feelings too and more importantly Your feelings matter to me. That's a level of empathy and then transparency in one's life Can a person be transparent and what I mean to say is if something is material to the relationship it's important for couples to speak up and So in this particular case whether she's gone on with them a couple dates I think it's quite listen folks rather than have a passive approach to dating and relationships How about an intentional approach? That demonstrates a level of emotional maturity when you can approach the process from an intentional place What does that mean is we're like look we're spending time together to get to know one another Why are we getting to know one another? Why are we dating? It's a vetting process to decide if we want a relationship Now and then you have to decide what kind of relationship do you want? Do you want a day-in-day out relationship? Do you want a relationship where you spend time doing social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends? Traveling together teamwork building skills both in your personal and your professional life Intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either living together getting married I guess you can live together apart too. Is that the purpose of why we're dating? I think ladies in particular. It's really important to really establish What's the purpose of dating someone dating is a vetting process to decide if this person's worthy of being in a relationship with them? You know, I had someone recently write me about moving too fast in the dating process Folks, I think we need to be moving fast And what I mean to say is spend a lot of time together in a relatively short period of time to determine if you're compatible with one another now alright, so you listen you take one month off to Basically explore another human being now we could call that monogamy if you're not having sex with other people We can call that exclusivity from some we can call that even commitment What's so wrong with that what's so wrong with making a commitment to someone for a 30-day period where you see each other a lot? To determine if you're a good fit for one another our current dating process could be a Six months to a year only to find out two people aren't compatible And if they'd actually spent more concentrated time together They would determine whether or not they're a good fit for one another. That's my invitation for folks Because you get to see these behaviors you get to see these personalities when we have a Occasional dating process when we're having long drawn out long distance relationships when people are spending more time on their Cell phones and there are face-to-face You don't really get to know a person the best way to get to know a person quickly is either go on a long trip with them Or live with them That's when you get to really know how another person operates and how two people can work together in relationship and So we look at these red flags as indicators of what will happen in the future and At the same time the best things to do when you see a red flag is address it because a red flag merely means Ask more questions and then within those questions You can determine if someone if something is a deal breaker for you Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please. Let me know Okay, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this video. Please post a comment below if this did resonate with you Folks, please tell your friends about our group called midlife love mastery send them to my website Jonathan asly.com have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group and I'm gonna sign off this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a fellow give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now. Bye