 J.T.S.L.L.S. Home! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with I Hear Bluebirds. How true, ladies and gentlemen, is that old saying you hear every June about, happy the bride the sun shines upon. Well, that's a question we really can't answer, but we do know a saying you can depend on and it goes like this. Happy the bride who always keeps a plentiful supply of Jell-O on the pantry shelf. For Jell-O friends is a grand dessert that's wonderfully quick and easy to make, as well as inexpensive to serve, and every bride will appreciate that. Jell-O's downright pleasure to eat, too, and every husband will go for that. Yes, with a bright shimmering mold of Jell-O on the table, contentment reigns supreme. Those six brilliant colors are all just as gay and enticing as can be from the rich glowing crimson that makes you think of fresh ripe raspberries to cool emerald green lime. And those six delicious flavors are gloriously good, extra rich and just as refreshing and beguiling as the juicy ripe fruit itself. So try some Jell-O real soon. And when you buy, be sure to look for those big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O and Jell-O spells a treat. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our master of ceremonies. A man who had his auction picked up last Sunday and now looks 10 years younger, Jack Benny. Thank you. Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking. And, Don, the fact that I'm in good spirits today and look younger has nothing to do with my contract being renewed. I'm always this way. Now wait a minute, Jack. When our sponsor came to your house for dinner last Sunday, you were a wreck. Who, me? Why, I never saw anyone so jittery and nervous. Me, jittery? Yes, you. Until Mr. Mortimer picked up your auction, you made a darn fool of yourself. What are you talking about? All evening long, it was, have a cigarette, Mr. Mortimer. Have a cigar, Mr. Mortimer. Here, take this chair, Mr. Mortimer. It's softer. Oh, I didn't make such a fuss over him. Go on, he happened to sneeze once and you sent Rochester out for an oxygen tent. Well, I just did that for a gag. What's the matter with you two? And the way you waited on him. You wouldn't let the man do anything for himself. What do you mean? When his shoelace came undone, who tied it? Mary, I happen to be down on the floor at the time. That's the only reason I did it. Well, let me ask you something. Why were you laying on the floor in the first place? What? What was that, Phil? I said, why were you laying on the floor in the first place? Phil, you should be the last one in the world to ask anybody why they're laying on the floor at a party. I know bare skin rugs that lead less horizontal lives than you do. And incidentally, Phil, you might at least thank me for the good time you had last Sunday. What good time? All we did was play bingo and our sponsor won every game. Boy, was that oblivious. You mean obvious. Remember, there was nothing obvious about it. Mr. Mortimer is lucky at bingo, that's all. I only called the numbers the way they came up. And the way they came up shouldn't happen to a dog. Oh, forget about it. Frankly, Jack, I don't know what the rest of us were playing for. You let Mr. Mortimer bingo every time. All right, so he won the salad bowl. But don't forget, he paid 25 cents a card, the same as everybody else. And that salad bowl was a Christmas gift from Eddie Cantor. That's a lie. I got it for my birthday from Olson and Johnson. Boy, are they cheap. Just because they're a team, they give one present. And incidentally, fellas, seems funny that you can all criticize and complain. Yet not one of you has the courtesy to mention the delicious food I served. Are you guys all eight like it was your last meal? Well, until he picked up your option, Jackson, we weren't sure. Maybe you weren't, Phil, but I wasn't the least bit worried. I knew I was going to be signed up for next season two weeks ago. Two weeks ago? Yes, I had definite information. Oh, you and that phony fortune teller. Phony? Mary, there's nothing phony about Madam Zuzu. She clicks like a castanet. She's marvelous. Oh, yeah? Four years ago, she told me I was going to marry Robert Taylor. Robert Taylor, she said. All right, so she misses once in a while. Why did you have to miss on that one? Well, just fate, that's all. Even a crystal ball has an off day now and then. Hey, wait a minute. Madam Zuzu, you know, I went to her place once. You did, Phil? Yeah, she told me I was bashful. Ain't that a lulu? Bashful, you of all people. And she was sitting on my lap at the time. I can't understand. Me neither. I'd like to take that crystal ball and hit her over the head with it. Mary, will you forget about Robert Taylor? And speaking of Madam Zuzu, fellas, if you knew what she told me about my movie career, you'd all be plenty excited. What did she tell you, Jack? Never mind. You'll read it in the paper next winter. Come on, Jackson, tell us. No, nothing doing. It's a secret. Okay, now wait a minute. Madam Zuzu looked in the crystal, and guess who's going to win the Academy Award next year? Guess who? She ought to be rated. All right, just for that, Mary, you're not going with me to the Academy banquet and hear my acceptance speech. Your acceptance speech? Yes, I'm preparing it now. Well, don't write anything that you can't switch to a letter to your father. We'll see. We'll see. I wouldn't laugh too soon. By the way, Jack, not changing the subject, but while Madam Zuzu was giving you the lowdown on your option, did she mention who's going to be your announcer next season? Well, I imagine you're the lucky man, Don, although there wasn't room for you in the crystal. But, uh... I'm sure you're set, and we'll have the same little comedian, eh, Mary? Darn it. I picked out linen and dishes and everything. Mary, will you forget about Robert Taylor? Anyway, Don... Forget, he says. Mary, anyway, Don, it looks like we'll have the same old gang again next year. Madam Zuzu saw all of us together in her crystal ball. She better see a lot more of that green stuff in there. You can count me out. What do you mean? Well, I want to raise. I started to work for you four years ago, and I'm still getting the same lousy salary. Well, you got the same lousy band. Not, oh, Phil. As you play, so shall I pay. Now, wait a minute. What's wrong with my band? What's wrong? You've got three violins that no one's ever heard. A guitar, a guitar player who got his strings from a yo-yo top, piano players that have to put a nickel in for every number, and a brass section that must have a sideline to last for more money. Well, there's no hard time. All right, you try. Incidentally, Phil, I've got your contract here in my pocket. So right after the broadcast, I want you to put your usual X on the dotted line. I understand. I can print Phil Harris. Stop showing off. Well, I guess that takes care of our contract problems for next season. You haven't straightened things out with me yet, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. I thought, Dennis, I thought I mailed you a contract to sign. You did, but my mother tore it up. Oh, well, I'll tell you what, Dennis. Supposing you and I go in the other room and talk matters over about next season, I guess we can come to an agreement. Well, my mother said... Come along, Dennis. Now, Phil. Phil, while we're in the other room transacting your deal, how about playing a number? Okay, you great big businessman. Come along, Dennis, my boy. Well, my mother... Come along now. Can't hear Dennis screaming. Business with Dennis. The kid must be holding up. Yeah, I'm going to open the door and listen. Oh, now, wait a minute, Mary. That isn't ethical. Ethical schmatical. That's less men's, eh? That's a little too steep. Well, my mother says that next year I ought to get $500 a week. $500, eh? Uh-huh. Well, well, I'll tell you what, Dennis. They're still at it, boys. How's Dennis making out? He's in the neighborhood of 500, but I don't think he'll move in there. You know, that Ben is terrific. You know, he's the guy that started the second cup of coffee, his free movement. Yeah, what a character. Well, I think we ought to get going on with the program. Uh, see how they're coming along, Mary. Okay. Absolutely, Dennis, I agree with you, but my budget won't permit it. Well, my mother says that... Look, Dennis, look. Dennis, would you be satisfied with $250 a week? $250? Oh, sure, that's well. I see. Hmm. Well, now look, Dennis, you're young yet, and you've got your whole future ahead of you. I'll tell you what I'll do. Well, it's still going on. What's the latest report? Ceiling 500, vision 250. It looks bad. Why don't the kid walk out on him? He can't, Jack's sitting on his chest. Looks like an all-day session. Now, quiet, everybody. You're right, Dennis, you're absolutely right, but $85 a week is a lot of money. After all, you're just a kid. I can't breathe. Move down a little, will ya? I'm, uh... I'm sorry, Dennis. Now, let's talk this over carefully. I'm sure we can get together. I'll tell you what. Well, that beats everything. What's the figure now, Mary? $85, and they haven't struck bottom. I never saw a guy as tight as Jack. You remember that Gladys Zabisco he used to go with? Yeah. Well, he broke up with her because she took appetite pills. And he was nuts about her, too. Well, here goes for another peek. Quiet now, fellas. Okay, Dennis, it's a deal. $37.50 a week. Sign right here on the dotted line. What's going on here? Here's the pen. Sign right here. Well, I ought to speak to my mother first. All right. Now, here's what you tell her. It's the last round, and Dennis is on the rope. What was Jack's final offer? $37.50 a week. $37.50? Why, the kid's getting $37 now. Yeah, but I guess Jack feels he ought to have a raise. You know. Well, let's go ahead with the program, fellas. We're all set, eh, Dennis? Yeah, I guess so. Hey, Dennis, what did Jackson offer you for next season? Well, I'm gonna... Don't tell them, Dennis. Don't tell them. We don't want the others to be jealous of you. Holy smoke! Am I making more money than they are? Could be. Could be. You know what, Jack? What? You saved more money by accident than Harry Lauder does on purpose. Oh, yeah? Well, Mary, I'd be quiet if I were you. A Madame Zuzu looked in the crystal the other day, and you were wrapping up a pair of stockings. And now, Dennis, now that everything has been smoothed out to our mutual satisfaction, how about singing a nice song for us? Okay. What's it gonna be, Dennis? I'm gonna sing... Hold it a minute. I'll take it. Hello? Oh, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Oh, it's you. Rochester, if you'd listened to the program, you wouldn't always call up and interrupt in the middle of it. Why don't you tune in once in a while? Well, frankly, boss, you don't do the kind of stuff that intrigues me. I know. You won't listen to any program where you don't tear something off, send it in, and get something back. Now, what do you want? What's on your mind? Well, boss, you know Hollywood part racetrack opened last Thursday? Yes. And you know how cheap oats are right now? Oats? What are you driving at? I bought a racehorse. Can I keep them in the garage? You bought a racehorse? Rochester, how can you possibly afford to buy a horse on your salary? Well, I paid $2 down. I got 30 days to raise the other $1,800. You mean you have to raise $1,800 in 30 days? Yeah. Ain't that fantastic? It certainly is. How are you going to get that much money in one lump? My back pain would do it. Rochester, if you're referring to your investment in the Benny Protective and Endowment Association, that doesn't mature until you're 40. I'll be 40 tomorrow. That's a lie! Rochester, you take that horse back to wherever you got it. There's no room for it in the garage. There is now. I put the Maxwell out in the street for the summer. I'll put it right back in again. I don't want my car out in the street. Somebody will come along and steal it. I'd like to get a picture of that. I could sell it to pick, click, or flick. Rochester, I'm not going to argue with you. Now, you get rid of that broken-down nag. He ain't a broken-down nag. He won over a hundred races. One? Now, you do as I say. Goodbye. Goodbye? Oh, by the way, boss. What is it now? I don't like Section 8, Paragraph D, of my new contract. What's wrong with it? Section 8 says you get $30 a week. I know, but Paragraph D says a week is 14 days. Hang out something new. Anyway, we'll discuss that when I get home. Goodbye. Goodbye. The idea of buying a race horse. He'll probably have me out in the morning clocking it. He'll never get up. Well, sing, Dennis. Don't stand there like a dodo. Or we'll be with us for many years to come. Yes, sir. Dennis, you say one more thing like that, and I'm going to take you in the next room and give you a good talking to. Boy, will he be flat-chested. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, Mr. Don Wilson, that eminent American playwright, has written another of his famous one-act play, a Hillbilly melodrammon title, The Code of the Hills. Or shoot me in the pants, Zeke. The rest is store clothes. Set the scene, Mr. Wilson. Gladly. The locale, ladies and gentlemen, is the cabin of the Jake Benny's in a remote section of the Ozarks. The Jake Benny's are in the midst of a feud with their longtime enemies and neighbors, the Fudd Allen. Oh, pardon me, Don. I would like to announce, folks, that any resemblance between the Fudd Allen in our play and the Fred Allen of radio is purely intentional. If he's not a Hillbilly, I never saw one. Go ahead, Don. It's six o'clock in the evening, and the shooting has been going on all day. Curtain, music. They're going to quit till them Allens are wiped out. Ain't room in these ya hills for the both of us. You said it, Papi. Get away from them doors, then. Say, Paul, what have you and God again, the Fudd Allen? I'll tell you what I've got again. One night I asked Fudd how many hairs on a monkey's face. And he said the next time you shave, count them. I couldn't count that kind of city talk, and I ain't forgetting. Hey, son, barricade that double door. Papi. Son. They got me, Papi. They got me. They unsgot our boys there. Shot them right through the door. I didn't know he was aware of them. I'll get them Allens for this. Kids don't grow on bushes. No series. I'm a-going, Papi. I'm a-getting weaker and weaker. Bye, Papi. Goodbye, Maul. Goodbye. You got for supper, Maul? Lunch. Good. Dish it out. Howdy, Uncle Jake. Hello, Bob Twitch. Shouldn't it be walking around with your left arm shot up like that? Well, I've been a-seeking some cord to tie it up with. It keeps off all and all. I like the way that arm of yours keeps it dropping off. It might be a-ling. What's that you got under your other arm? My right leg. Put it in the umbrella stand and come to supper. Sit down. Go on, I wish them Allens would hold off until we get through eating. I'm a-going, Papi. I'm a-going. Take your time, son. Ask the coffee, Maul. Hey, Jake, what happened to Cousin Zeb? One of the Allens plugged him. Have some coffee, Twitch. Oh, go on, don't those Allens know it's supper time? By the way, Maul, where's our daughter, Linda Lou, Nettie Mae, Lily Bell, Harvest Moon? Where is she? She went down to the village to buy a girdle. Had her heart set on it. A girdle? Oh, boy, we can have some hot cakes. What's a girdle, Maul? Something them city gals are wearing. Come, what'll they be thinking up next? Here she is now. Hello, Linda Lou, Nettie Mae, Lily Bell, Harvest Moon? Hello, Papi. Hello, Maul. Hello, Linda Lou, Nettie Bell. I mean Lily Mae. I mean Nettie Mae. Oh, nuts. Hello. We ends up in a worryin' about you, gal. You shouldn't be out of doors at a time like this. Why not? Them Allens couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. No, but they could hit yours. Sit down, gal. Say, Uncle Jake, what is it, Twitch? Look out the window. Ain't that one of them Allens speaking up on us? Either that or a pole cat. Give him a rifle, Maul. Watch out! Dog gone, and I wanted to hear the Fitch bandwagon. Come on, Twitch, grab a gun. Teach them, Vomins. I wish they ends up in a wheel and stop this darn feud. Not for Allens. He's a feudin' this man in these hills. I wonder what makes them so feudy. I don't know. Hey, Maul, pass me the sugar. Dog gone, then. Pick up that spoon, Maul. Never mind. I'll get you another one. I want that one, my hands on it. How many more pages to this play? Can't be many. Here comes Porky Wilson now. Hello, Porky. Hello, Jake. Allens done plugged him. And none of us ain't safe till this feud is over. I am. I'm so big, they're scared to shoot at me. Why, they're making a banana, ladies and gentlemen. Do you realize how marvelous- Emptying and appetizing- Now, hold on, Maul, we'll just to get that in. This gelatin dessert is not only economical and easy to make, but comes in six delicious flavors. Why? Wilson Recover? I don't know. Hey, Clem, will Porky Wilson recover? I don't know. The country's newest dessert sensations. Ever since jello puddings came on the market, they've been steadily climbing in popularity. In fact, right in your own neighborhood, any night in the week, I'll bet you find a lot of families sitting down to enjoy a tempting jello pudding dessert for dinner. You've all enjoyed jello, I know. Now enjoy these new members of the jello family, jello butterscotch, chocolate, and vanilla puddings. Tomorrow, do what thousands of other folks do. And when you ask your grocer for jello, ask him also for those delicious new desserts, jello puddings. This is the National Broadcasting Company. Thank you.