 I got all these crumbs from the men in my past, right? And he was a slice. So he felt like so much more. And she said, well, you don't want the whole thing. You don't want the whole cake. I know you were fine with the crumbs, but you moved up and was like, well, at least I have a whole slice now. And she's like, why is that all you're aiming for? Why not get the whole cake? Like I really started asking myself those questions. I'm like, why is this happening? And then I had to start looking back at my lifetime as a whole and realizing, okay, like consistency, right? My life and what my personal journey has been based off is my career. And there's no consistency when you're an actor. And then I realized the words that start with C, I have issues with. So consistency, compromise. I don't compromise on shit, man. I don't. It's bad. And I know that, but it's the truth. I just, I can't. It's crazy because I probably broke up and got back together with my ex at least seven times. Probably like a boomerang on and off for like seven, eight months out of the full, maybe two years we were together. And do you know the statistic? I'm not sure the details of your relationship, but the statistic is if you are in some type of like toxic or harmful or manipulative abusive relationship seven times is the number it takes to leave on average. Really? Yeah. I think I'm done finally for good. It's weird because I wouldn't have said it was manipulative. I wouldn't have said it was abusive. I wouldn't have even called our relationship toxic as much as I just kept making excuses for why it wasn't working. I didn't know if I wasn't communicating enough. I didn't know if he just genuinely wasn't trying to understand me. So I was just like, okay, we can keep trying because I still love him. I still felt like we're going to be together forever. So I was like, as long as we keep trying at it, it'll happen. And then trying became exhausting. Trying and breaking up and getting back together and trying to troubleshoot because clearly every time we broke up, it wasn't the same reason. So I was like, okay, we can fix this. We can fix this. And then it just became, this is exhausting trying to fix it. Why was he your person? And why was he not your person? He was my person because for the first time with a man, I felt like I could be all of myself. I didn't feel like I had to show up with a mask. I could be loud, I could be goofy, I could be funny. I could be kinky. Even in the bedroom, how I was able to express myself sexually, I didn't feel shame at all. So to be able to be with someone where I knew I could be my full self in every room in every space, I was like, you're my person. He wasn't my person because the one thing that's important to me in a relationship is communication in the way he let me speak but I don't think he listened. What's the difference? Like, give me an example. So he threw me a surprise birthday party and invited all the people. And I was like, wow. You literally almost went out of your way to get me exactly what I didn't ask for. Okay. And he did the same for Valentine's Day. He did the same in terms of we were trying to get somewhere else in the bedroom and he kept trying to tell me how it should have went. And I'm like, you literally keep bringing up the one thing that I don't want. You know what's interesting is that you didn't read Will Smith's book, right? No. Well, he talks about for Jada's 40th birthday, how he did that exact same thing. And it caused the biggest argument because he was like, how ungrateful are you? I literally went out of my way to throw you this entire thing. I went out of my way to make this so special for you to show my love for you. And you're over here sulking and pissed because, yeah. That was me. But again, like, I don't know why men make it so difficult sometimes. It's like, I'm not someone that you have to guess or try to read. I'm telling you exactly what I want. And if you can't listen to that, to me, it goes beyond. It's almost like a slap in the face. It's almost like disrespect. It's almost like, do you really not care about what makes me happy? Do you think I'm- Or do you think that I don't know myself? I don't need you to tell me about myself when I'm telling you exactly the things I want. Who are you showing all for? Is it for my friends? Is it because now they can see that you went out of your way to do something? No, because behind closed doors, I told you I didn't want this. So there's two types of reasons people stay in relationships and keep going back. Sometimes it's because it is toxic to some degree and it creates this addictive cycle. Where when we are in fight or flight, we're most drawn to the person who is our protector and provider. And oftentimes in relationships and toxic ones, that person is also your biggest armor as well and the biggest danger to you. So it creates this weird brain relationship where I'm drawn to you even though I know you're the person who's gonna hurt me. That doesn't sound like your story. It sounds like your story was more so, yo, so many things are right. Yeah. This really should work. Yeah. But it's not. Yeah, and well, and that's the thing too. My therapist said I live in fear. So for me it was because so many things were right, I was like, I'm not gonna find better. So we have to make this work because I was like, I feel so good when I feel good that outweighs the bad, right? And so it was this thing where to me, as long as the good was outweighing the bad, it made sense. This is better than I think what most of my friends' relationships look like. So, and I made that comparison too. I was like, oh, well he's not as bad as her partner or her partner. So I think I'm doing kind of good over here. But no, it wasn't that because I still wasn't getting everything I wanted. And so that's another thing my therapist brought up. I got all these crumbs from the men in my past, right? And he was a slice. So he felt like so much more. And she said, well, you don't want the whole thing. You don't want the whole cake. I know you were fine with the crumbs, but you moved up and was like, well, at least I have a whole slice now. And she's like, why is that all you're aiming for? Why not get the whole cake? Yeah. I think a lot of people, women do this too, especially if they've come from a lot of like really terrible ass relationships and connections. You get with somebody who's marginally better and then you kind of feel ungrateful for being like, but I still want more. I was starting to think that. I was starting to think that until I realized how I was showing up. And so I was like, I don't think I thought I was capable of being a good girlfriend, to be honest with you. I didn't think I could be faithful. I didn't think I could be considerate. I didn't think I could put someone's, I didn't think I could care for someone the way I cared for him. So to be fair, when it came to the settling, it came after I realized how I was showing up as a partner and I said, you know what? The least I deserve is for someone to show up the way I'm showing up. Like there were times where he would say, you know, I'm giving you all I can give you. And if it's not enough, maybe this isn't working out. He's literally said that before. And so, yeah, I think that's what else I realized. If this is the best you can give me and I know it's not enough, this relationship isn't enough. You know what was shocking to me is the fear of being single. And I think that that's what it was. Also, as women, again, we're conditioned to even value ourselves by if we're being claimed by men. If we're in a relationship, our value is higher. If we're married, our value is higher. If we're mothers, our value is higher. Like, so me being in my 30s, not a mother, and now single, again, I mean, even Kevin Samuels is out here saying, as you age, you depreciate in value as a woman. So yeah, I didn't wanna be like, do I have to rely on the dating apps again? How am I gonna meet people? Like, we just had a fucking pandemic. I met him on Zoom. So it's like, damn, I'm also now dating in a new world. How does this happen? And I don't wanna be single. You didn't wanna be single because you were afraid of how it would look, or you didn't wanna be single because you were afraid of starting all over again. Dating is work. It's a job. Do you think I want another job? No. So, I don't. I guess what's unique about you, though, is that, one, you talk about your love life for a living, so this is content. Yes. And number two, you're so outgoing. And you meet people so effortlessly. Yeah, but I'm shallow. That's why I'm shocking to you. I'm shallow, so I want really good-looking men. And now, too, it's like, I can't expect a man to make more money than me now. It would be nice, but I know that I'm in that percentile, especially because I love black men. I want a black king, that's it. So, just statistically speaking, it's not gonna be easy to find a beautiful, because I'm shallow, beautiful black man that makes at least six figures. I can see from that perspective. So, there's this book that I love, it's called Datanomics, where it basically talks about dating. Come on, Datanomics. It was actually by an economist from the New York Times, who he didn't even work in the intimacy realm. He did numbers and finances. But then he was like, people need to start looking at it like that. Because essentially, if you are looking, if you have 100 marbles, and you're like, I'm only attracted to people with penises, cool, 50 marbles left. I want somebody who is over six feet. Okay, now there's 12 marbles left. He has to be black. Okay, maybe there's 10 marbles left. And so, with that in mind, break down for me what it is that you're like, what's your whole cake look like? My dating life is, I can't even say complicated. It's just I'm a complicated guy. I'm the oldest. And then my brother has, both of my brothers have actually been more of the find a girl, fall in love. It's just gonna be us. I didn't see that out the gate ever. Like I got to see a different, I think the last time I was on your YouTube channel, actually, I spoke about what screened toward it to me. Hey, yo. So you know what separates your side from my side? What, tell me. Left side, what we about to do right now is so, so disrespectful. Changes the whole dynamic of what I saw to be what love is. It's like that word means a lot of different things. It don't mean the fairy tale, Disney princess at the end. That's probably a very exaggerated definition though. What? What you experienced on the screen tour. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. It is very exaggerated, but it's what was my reality. You know, I saw a thing like, I saw that woman take her wedding ring off just to be in a room and do whatever. I'm just like, that's crazy. Yeah, but with arguably people that she has looked up to and masturbated since she was seven years old. Some people start that young. So I'm just saying that that's an extreme example, but I understand the range that you've experienced. So as, okay, so then do you connect with the fear component of love and dating? Yes, I am afraid. I'm afraid of failing at it. I'm afraid of failing at it for sure. It's one of those things where like, I know I have all of the traits to be, I guess what a woman would perceive as a man who knows what he's doing in life, knows what he wants in life, is doing it. Like I do it every day. So I think that that's, I think women find that attractive about me. But then I'm also, I hold so much of that back even when I'm trying to build with somebody because I'm afraid if I give it all and show you everything that I'll fail at it and then it's gonna break apart anyway. And instead I hold that back to be able to be like, oh, I didn't show this side anyway. So it is what it is. And that's the reason why. So I have a scapegoat to be like, I'm cool. The official term is self-handicaping. That's what it's called. Well, it's self-sabotage but the psychological term that is self-handicaping where people actively engage in tactics that give them an excuse for failure. So when somebody doesn't study for a test, they wait till the last minute of studies that when they get a poor grade is not because I'm not smart but instead because all I didn't really study that far in advance. Damn. Mm. I would be the self-sabotaging definition of them. That would be me, man. But most people aren't able to eloquently put it in the way you just did. Most people do these things and they're like, I don't know. I just like get really like disgusted by people really quickly or I get turned off or just I get very claustrophobic. They don't have the actual language to say, no, I purposefully go out of my way to not totally invest in relationships that way when they don't work out. I always have the excuse of, well, I didn't really try. I started a journey of just trying to figure out what was happening. Like I really started asking myself those questions. I'm like, why is this happening? And then I had to start looking back at my lifetime as a whole and realizing, okay, like consistency, right? My life or what my personal journey has been based off is my career. And there's no consistency when you're an actor. And then I realized the words that start with C, I have issues with. So consistency, compromise. I don't compromise on shit, man. I don't, it's bad. And I know that, but it's the truth. I just, I can't, you know, in the social media aspect world, like who you follow, who you like, the set and the other. It's like, bro, if I have to deal with you hitting my phone saying, why did you follow this person? Why are you liking this girl's photos? That's it, I'm not compromising. I'm not compromising on that. I'm sorry, what is the big deal? Okay, that's fair, but that's more of a boundary, I think. For who, for them? For you. Yeah. To say, like this is a part of just my joy, how I interact. I mean, when you're in entertainment, being charming, being sociable is an asset for you. So to shut off that part of yourself would, one, it gets you out of practice for when it counts. And then number two, that's maybe limits opportunities for networking or just joy. You don't have to always put it down to, because sometimes it is what it is. Like, I just like following fine dudes. It's just a hobby of mine. So yeah, I do. There it is, there it is. It's a hobby of mine. So I was going to say a pet peeve of mine is like, I'll follow a fine dude and then he'll follow back and then he'll DM me. Like, your relationship is so inspiring. I'm like, oh. Oh, ruin, you ruin the fantasy of me just looking. Right. I get you. I get you on that. 100%, I get you. When I finished the conversation with Mandy because she was basically like, I ended that relationship because I realized that it was part of the cake for her of what she was looking for, but it wasn't the whole cake. Whereas in other relationships, she was missing ingredients. So now at least she got to a place where it's like, oh, I found somebody to your point. I didn't even think she had said like, I didn't think I was capable of being a good girlfriend. I didn't think I was capable of being monogamous. I didn't think I was capable of devoting myself, of compromising the way that I did for somebody. And I found out that I could, but I also found out that that person really wasn't my be all and end all. So I'm like, okay, cool. So now you realize that you left that relationship, you've identified this fear that you have, where are you at now? She's like, I have no idea. I'm not anywhere. You know what I mean? That's exactly where it's at. So for you, are you like, cause you clearly identified yourself very beautifully. Like I realize I must have a self-sabotaging demeanor. These are my C words that are triggers to me. This is the barriers that I'm trying to get past. I've seen myself get past those barriers and benefit from it, but I'm still afraid of dating. And so what does that all mean? Man, maybe in the same place as Mandy, like you just don't know and you just go through every day. You know, I'm lucky enough to where like what I love to do is like literally number one on my list anyway. It's number one. So I'm good. Like I got that family. I'm gonna figure that out when it's time. So you want to change? That's a C word. You're supposed to though. So they say you're supposed to change for somebody. And I'm like, I don't want to change for nothing. Well, I think there's certain things in life like we were talking about traveling before. I don't like to travel and I don't have a desire to spark that passion in myself. Do you feel that way when it comes to dating? I'm not gonna be good at this. So I don't want to change. Yeah, I do feel that way. I do, but then I battle with that feeling because I wonder if I'm gonna end up falling in the trap that I see all of my peers have fallen into. Like I'm not living that baby mama life where I just have one or multiple. Like I know what comes with that strength. I've seen it, nah. And then at the same time, I'm a very family-oriented person. So I would like to build that. I would like to have that legacy, that next generation of us, having three siblings, two little buds, one little sister like, okay, what's the nieces and nephews look like for the next generation? What am I doing now to make sure that they're okay? Like that's all thoughts. But yeah, you're gonna have to change if you want to, you're gonna have to change if you want to, but God damn, Shan, I don't want to change. Okay, so I'm trying to put this puzzle together. Is there a gap between what you think you want long-term and what you actually want long-term? Or does the gap exist between who you've met and the kind of person that you would need to meet in order to feel comfortable investing in a long-term legacy kind of relationship? The skin was always salty, I was always hungry, ain't no laundry, now I live in luxury, shit is done for me, better not come for me, keep the peace, rock on me, keep me, let it go, move it cheap, just one though, that's control, grind them all, heart is way too cold, hit the road, pack up all, pack the show, fashion show, to my toes, let them know, let it go, let it go.