 Does it seem like meeting Mr. Wright is out of reach, a challenge or difficult? That was cute, you hold that, you're kind of like. Anyways, if you've experienced any of that, we're gonna lean into this conversation today, you're looking at me kind of funny, about making it much easier to meet a quality man to meet Mr. Wright, because the reality is his dating today is incredibly frustrating, and it seems like a challenge for people to actually connect. So I'm gonna give you four, not easy ways, because this is gonna be a challenge, but there's much easier when you know this. Now, did you meet Mr. Wright? I don't know. Hey, you've been with me for nine, 10 months. Oh, you mean you, wow. Well, I hope you think I'm Mr. Wright. Well, you are. Aw, well, we live together, so hopefully that does mean I'm Mr. Wright. And we're gonna talk about four things you strongly must consider. When it comes to dating, mating, or relating. And usually when I give these talks, I go into a lot of narrative, because I think it's important to recognize that many of us have lived in a fantasy way of relationships, and I think that's because of Disney. I think that's because of movies. There's this belief that meeting someone that's your right match should just be easy. I think that's delusional thinking. Did you think it was gonna be easy? No. No. I mean. No, like people, there are a lot of people that think that it's gonna be, the magic fairy dust is gonna come in and you're gonna live happily ever after, but when you get divorced, you realize it didn't happen that way. Yeah, I think, I know when I got married, I guess I had this expectation of, or at least when I was growing up, I had an expectation of go to college, get a job, meet a gal, get married, buy a house, start a family. And that's all I needed to know. I had no idea what it took to be a good husband. I had no idea what it took to be a father. And I mean, I guess, somewhat it's a learning while you're on the job. What I realized all those years is I didn't know how to be good in relationship. I didn't know how to communicate. I'd learned so little growing up and yet there was an expectation of knowing all this stuff. And so going through a divorce, and you went through a divorce and putting myself out there, I went in still with the old mindset. I was kind of like the definition of, what's the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. So when you were back out there after your divorce. Well, first of all, I got, I was engaged at 19, you know? Okay. Because I was so smart and so, I thought I knew it all. And my biggest concern was- Were you gonna say so perfect? No. Okay. But I wanted the perfect dress. Okay. So that those were the things that were important to a 19, 20 year old. Okay. You know, and then when life hits you and you realize you gotta learn really fast how to manage and manage somebody that didn't know how to be married either. He was 23, like- So it's interesting so many, and I think right around age 40, you know, we see a significant increase of couples going through divorce. And then they go back out there. And I say they go back out with the old mindset. They go out still with that expectation that it should be easy. Well, now it's not as easy. We don't look as young as we used to, you know? We, you know, the dating marketplace has changed dramatically because of these devices, you know? It's changed significantly. So, and that's just a byproduct of technology. But more importantly, I think one of the challenges for people is they don't heal from their past. Right. There's a lot of wounded people out there and the wounded people sometimes wound people even more. Hurt people, hurt people. Yeah, like, you know, like the ghosting and just, you know, you meet somebody and you get excited and then you never hear from them again. So, okay. So let's lean into the first thing. I call this the four stages of relationship readiness. And the first thing is being your best emotional and physical self to make it easier to meet Mr. Right. So this includes healing childhood wounds, healing adult traumas and being in your best physical shape. So being your best. And I know for you and I, I know after my divorce and my significant relationship in your divorce and after your significant relationship ended, you saw it help because when you're, you know, when your significant relationship after your divorce ended, you were blindsided, you were hit, you were like smack, you know, like out of the blue. Well, I mean, for me, and it was, you know, I'm sure it's happened to a lot of people too. You know, I was a kid when I got married and I didn't, I didn't date. Yeah. So getting put out there and you just assume everyone's going to be nice and everyone's looking for the same thing. So they're going to be like nice people and then you learn the reality that I needed to, I needed to learn what the real world was like at that point. But when you, when your significant relationship after your divorce ended, you immediately saw it help. Cause I didn't want to go through that again when I got the divorce, I was fortunate that I did meet someone rather quickly. And then, you know, then I thought the magic fairy to us was going to make everything work. And so I'm going to just share with everyone a link. So I'm going to put a link of what Marie did after her divorce. It was after my second relationship. Oops. Paced, okay. I'm sharing this with everybody cause she went, that's what I meant, after a significant second relationship ended, she went to the naked recovery, naked divorce. And by the way, I put a link in the chat box and I'll put a link in the first comment. And if you mentioned my name, they're going to give you a special little treat for it. But why don't you tell them about the naked recovery, naked divorce? Okay. So the naked, at the time it was just the naked divorce. Now they've expanded. But when I went to it, it's because I was hurting and I didn't know where to go, what to do. I didn't like therapy cause you had to talk over and over about the same stuff. And I didn't want to do that. So this woman, I just did a Google search and the way I did it was a little bit different. Most people do it online and it's a three week course. But I ended up going to where she was and I did this one-on-one program which is still available in different parts of the world. At the time it was Thailand and I went to Thailand. And- That's cool. Yeah. It was really cool because I got to remove myself from my home environment to go do that. And I, it was a transformation for me. It really was. And recently we got a chance to zoom with her. And, you know, you wonder if she has so many clients that she can remember. Like, no, absolutely she remembered me. Yeah. She remembered you. She remembered your whole story, remember about. She even remembered like details that was kind of interesting about. So why I'm sharing this with everyone, Marie did the, you know, the naked divorce, naked recovery. I did something called the Hoffman process. By the way, I'm going to pull out a copy of the book for everyone. Here's a copy of the book, the Hoffman process. But I actually did the live physical event. By the way, there's a link to the book, to this book. These are, this is personal development. This is self-help. This is spiritual work to help you become your best self. And I think healing our childhood wounds, healing our traumas. You did, you did life spring at age 19 to heal some of your childhood wounds. It's imperative that if you want to show up as your best self and you want to make it easier to meet Mr. Right, then it's about showing up as your best self, both emotionally and also physically. The reality is, is as for those of us in midlife, you know, I've got a little more roles in my belly. You know, I've got some wrinkles in my face. You know, I don't look like I did in my 20s. And so I do believe on some level, if we want to attract a really good partner, then we have to show up as our best selves. Now, I'm not here to suggest that you have to radically change your life, but the same time physical health is important for midlife. I mean, we go to the doctor on occasion, we're like, you know, it's like aches and pains and we want to last as long as we can. Being in your best health is equally as important. So number two I want to talk about is clarity on the relationship you want. Marie's going to laugh when I'm about to share this, but I have clients calling me all the time saying, Jonathan, I know what I want. I know what I want. I know the kind of relationship I want. And then they go through this proprietary coaching program I created. And do you know what they say every single, well, what do they say every single time? Jonathan, I made a great guide. No, no, no, but they didn't know what they were. I didn't know what I want. Why didn't I get it taught to me when I was in school? Yeah, so my job is to help you learn how to vet, screen and get clarity on the type of relationship that actually fits in your life. You know, it's important to understand that shared values, blendable lifestyles is critically important as the container beyond attraction. You know, I think when we were younger, you know, we just thought if you're attracted to someone, everything would just work out. And we learned the hard way that there's a lot more to being compatible with someone which includes shared values. So by the way, there's a link right here to schedule a free discovery call with me. Also, there's a link in the description. This is my area of expertise. If you need help with that, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you because my job is to cover that piece number two. Now the third aspect of making your job easier into meeting Mr. Wright is you got to put yourself out there to be met. You have to learn flirting skills. You have to be seen to be asked out, right? So where did we meet? We met on the internet. We met on two different sites actually. Why don't you mention the sites? Match.com and millionaire match. And if you're thinking millionaire match is not full of millionaires, but some people think that it is, but it's not. But I actually met what I thought was a, I don't mean to judge people by money, but I met nicer people on that site. I really did. And did you feel the same way? I did. And the reason is because it costs more money. And since it costs more money, you're gonna get people that are willing to pay it. And they take it a little more seriously. The creeps are everywhere. So you have to learn how to figure out who to stay away from. Well, that's my job to teach that in the coaching, how to avoid the wrong person and to track the right. But you have to put yourself out there to be met. It's whether we like it or not, magic fairy dust isn't going to deliver Mr. Right at your doorstep. You have to make effort for that to happen. So also there's other ways that you can meet somebody organically, but it seems like people less and less are doing that and just going to the dating apps. I mean, there are church groups. You can join pickleball leagues. It's a big deal right now. Pickleball. Pickleball. Is that, do they have pickleball in Chicago and Antioch? Well, I don't know about Antioch. Well, it's so cold up there. That's why I thought about it. Well, wait, no, they do indoor. The gym. Okay, they do indoor. Lifetime fitness doesn't indoor. Okay, okay. And they have leagues and you can meet people. You meet people at the gym. You can meet people in a lot of places. The grocery store, I don't know, that's a far fetch. You know what? That's only in movies. You know what? I wouldn't walk up to a strange woman. And if I did, it was purely based on physical attraction, but I don't feel comfortable walking up to a stranger. I mean, the reality is, is in our relationship, you made the first move by emailing me first. Gosh, I'll never hear the end of that. Well, what's so wrong with you? Nothing's really wrong with it. There's nothing wrong. Well, you're never going to hear the end of it because I'm a big proponent. Ladies, you don't have to wait for men to make the first move. You simply wrote me an email saying, hey, I liked your profile. Would you like to talk? I mean, that's not like you grabbed me by the arm and said marry me kind of thing. So anyway, the last and fourth most important piece here is learning how to make a maintain a relationship, but more importantly make it thrive from the first date onto full commitment. So I want to dive into this because this is critically important as well. So I've laid out a few things to consider about how to maintain and make a relationship thrive. And it starts with both having mutual respect for one another and a sense of emotional maturity. Yes, that is very important because it doesn't matter how old a man is. Or how wealthy he is. Or how wealthy he is or the job he has. Some of them are just immature. And I met a lot of really nice men. But I thought, you're 56 years old, you should be more mature than that. Well, and so some of the ways to show mutual respect is not to criticize your partner, not to be in a state of contempt, not to be defensive and not stonewall. This is what John Gottman calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And mutual respect and emotional maturity. Again, this is something I work with clients in my private coaching is how to weed out those guys sooner through a method I call radical honesty. And now I'm adding a new term called the rules of engagement, ladies. Before you physically get intimate with a man, my encouragement of you is to lay down the law. Because you see, I can't be there for you on a first date with my shotgun pointed at the guy's face saying, what's your intentions with my little sister? You have to lay down the law. And I call this the rules of engagement. If a man wants to engage with your time, then you set the rules. Now it's gonna turn off a lot of guys. You think that would turn off a lot of guys where you set the rules? Yeah, but that's not the guy you want. Yeah, because by establishing your standards, establishing your standards right from the get go, you're gonna weed out a lot of the players, a lot of the love bombers, a lot of the looky loose, a lot of those men that aren't ready for commitment. You had something to share? It goes both ways too. Oh yeah, I know. Yeah, some, like I have, and I use the term loosely, some friends, that dating was just a sport, you know. To get a free meal? Possibly, I don't know, but it was like a sport. It was like, how many more guys can they be talking to at the same time? Whereas I didn't like that. Do you remember you told me about a Match.com event you went to? Oh yeah. And really quickly, just take a minute to share that with everyone. Well it was a Match.com, I had just moved back to Chicago and I walked in and it didn't look like my type of scene, but I thought, you know, I'll make the best of it. I can talk to anybody. And I started talking to these women. And within five minutes, they were telling me who to watch out for. And, you know, they were just criticizing men. And what vibe did you get from that? The vibe was I couldn't get out of their quaver, fast enough. Because it was the women who were kind of the combative ones. And I said, I didn't want to talk to these women. And they thought, oh, I was gonna be great. I can hang out with their group. And, oh, you're new back to Chicago. Yeah, you can hang out with us. Oh yeah, let me go to the washroom. And it never went back because I knew that these people, I didn't, these were not my people. So what you're saying is for us men out there, women can be just as bad as men. Okay, all right. Number two on this list of, or at least how to maintain and make a relationship thrive is scheduling intimate time together, but more important play and flirty time together. I think one of the things that I appreciate most in our relationship is not only do we make physical intimate time, but we make intimate time every morning when we have our cup of coffee and we share and we make time for play and we make time for flirting with one another. I think we're always flirting with one another. Do you agree? Oh yeah. No, and we give each other, well, I don't like seeing shit, but we give each other shit. Crap. Crap. But it's all in fun. So making intimate time, making play, making flirting a part of your relationship. Ladies, I know many of you are out there are engaging in cyber relationships with men that you're spending more time here talking on your devices than you're actually connecting with them. I know many of you aren't really intentional with the person you're with because you're operating from a place of both fear, but more importantly, you're expecting men to lead the process. And let me just tell you something, men are bad at this process. They're winging it. It's your job to be the emotional leaders of the relationship. So you can set the standard by leading by example in the areas I talk about here. And the next thing I want to talk about is communication. Now everybody talks about communication. That's the most important thing, but do you realize most people are bad at communication? Women as well as men? Well, you talked about our morning coffee. Yeah. I book appointments around that because I don't want to miss on morning coffee. Because we sit down and we just, you know, talk about stuff. Sometimes it's really deep stuff. Sometimes it's very frivolous stuff. Sometimes it's scrolling on our Facebook page for fun. But the other thing is within communication is conflict resolution skills. I think our ability to identify a problem and express it, most I appreciate about you, is you have a way of identifying or sharing a problem to me that you might have with me in a non-confrontational way. I know I bring up the deodorant. Well, no, I was thinking of the deodorant. But the thing is, ladies, if you're not familiar with the book by, hold on a second, here's a couple of books I want to recommend. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. By the way, nonviolence. And all the books I recommend is in the books in the description below under Jonathan recommends. There's two other books. How to Build Trust in a Relationship and Couples Guide to Communication. These are really, look how thin they are. These are like literally double spaced and only 40 pages. Folks, if you don't have good communication skills and ladies, just because you can talk about your feelings doesn't mean you're good at expressing yourself. I highly recommend learning better communication skills. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Yes, tone. I think tone matters more than what you say. Okay, like when I fall in the toilet seat. Well, that was an accident, okay. Oh my God, I fell in the toilet. Oh my God, I thought it was like we had an earthquake here. Okay, the last two things to consider and then we're gonna take questions in a moment. Is the importance, when you're in a relationship is to have shared duties in the relationship. It's really, like in our relationship, we take turns taking care of things. Whether it's cleaning or treating each other out to dinner, whatever it is, we do it as a mutual exchange with one another. And we've talked about it. We were actually talking about that this morning, we were talking about, for example, some expenses. And we have a discussion about it so there's no ambiguity, whether it's expenses, whether it's cleaning up, or I'm trying to think what other main shared duties we have. Or helping each other out, like. We do, like there are things that I do normally, but if I don't do it, he'll do it. But we're conscious about it and we talk about it. And the other thing is important in shared duties is integrating each other's family and friends into your life. Sadly, I have a funeral that I have to go to for an old friend who lost his son. And that's a very personal thing to me because I've also experienced that. And I want Marie to join me, even though you aren't gonna know anybody there, I want you part of that. So I've integrated you into my family and friends. You've integrated me into your family and friends and that to make a relationship, not just maintain it but make it thrive, it's integrating each other into each other's lives. But it's also important to know when to do that. Yeah, because. Because you've dated a guy three times and. Yeah, not gonna meet their best friend. Or you're not gonna take him as a plus one to a family wedding. Wait a minute, I took you, wait a minute, I did take you as a plus one to a wedding. That's because I didn't know anybody there. If I knew people, it would have been different. So anyways, shared duties, integration of family and friends. And lastly, everyone, I want you to remember the four A's. The four A's. The four A's are attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance. I'm gonna repeat that. Attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance. The four A's. For any relationship to, just to maintain it but to make it thrive. We give each other attention every day. We give each other affection every day. We give each other appreciation. We express gratitude to one another. And you put up with the fact that I might forget the toilet seat. So you accept me for not being perfect. No, he's pretty good at that. So anyways, making it easier to meet Mr. Right. I wanna just recap a couple of things. Again, being your best emotional and physical self, clarity on the type of relationship. And if you need help with that, schedule that discovery call with me. There's a link below. How to meet men, you know, beyond organically and how to flirt and then how to maintain a relationship and more importantly, how to make it thrive. If you wanna make it easier, I suggest following these four steps. Does anyone agree with me? Does this resonate with me? If it does hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And again, if you need some help, check out all the links below to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group, to follow me on Instagram. And there's also a join button here. I'm gonna be shooting some private videos with Marie and I for those that are in my membership. So check out all the links below. All right, we're gonna take questions right now. Folks, if you have a question for either me or Marie or both of us, I want you to write the word question and then post the question thereafter. Or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. All right, that's picture of him right there. He's my son who passed away the one I talked about a moment ago. And his honor, we donate to, we, I said we, we donate now to the Hoffman Process Insight Institute, just to name a few. And again, I wanna remind you all to check out the Naked Divorce as well. So I'm gonna put that link right here as well. Okay, so if you have a question, write the word question and then post the question thereafter. So let's see if what we have here. Oh, by the way, Leaf was kind enough to point out the four As, attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance. Thank you for writing that out. Nicole says, I just realized that Marie fell in the toilet seat because you left the seat up. Exactly. Sherry says you two are cute. Well, thank you. We appreciate that. Oh, Stacy says, oh my God, you guys are so fricking beautiful. No, she's the beautiful one. Thank you. The gorgeous one. All right, let's see if we have any questions. Wanda wrote, I was married in, I was married in the early 80s at 19 till I was widowed three years ago at age 56. I've had love, bombing, bread coming. I've had health problems and I'm dealing with it. Any advice, Marie? How would you respond to Wanda? What is bread coming? Bread crumbing. When a guy just like gives you a little, like it's like, gives you a little bit, then he doesn't do anything, gives you a little bit, doesn't do anything, that's called bread crumbing. Like just. Well, I'm assuming you're doing online dating. Okay. Is that what it sounds like? Probably. Yeah. So online dating takes a lot of energy and it takes a lot of patience. I don't know how I would handle bread coming I would just move on. You know what? Well, I'm gonna respond. Are you okay with that? Yeah, I'm fine with that. Okay. So you know what? I'm like, let's cut the bullshit. Hey, I noticed you're just not responding as much as you're, what's changed? Do you wanna pursue this or not? I'm like, I'm all about slapping the nose of the shark on the face, so to speak. Well, I feel that somebody that really wants to be with you, you will know it. And if you're not feeling it, then you're the one that has to take control of your own life and make a change. Yeah. You know, it sounds like true, but... Listen, everyone knows I've written a book called What the Heck is Self Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Open Spiritual Work. Coming back to what I talked about that personal development piece, that being your best self. When you operate from your best self, you don't put up with bullshit. Like, I don't think you put up with a lot of crap from guys. I didn't, but I had to learn it, too. Yeah, so. So I did go through some of that stuff, but... But you reached a point where you reached into yourself and said, I value myself enough not to put up with crap. Well, this is what I want and that's not it. So it's time to move on. Well, you know what, not to... I mean, on some level, in all fairness, I'll share something personal with the group. You put up with a lot of crap in your marriage. So I think you reached... Yeah, but it was different. I know, you're raising children. It was different, and I had four kids in four years and I was running four medical offices and... But my point is, you go through that. I think it prepares you to be a little bit... Less tolerant. Yes, less tolerant. So anyway, let's jump in the next question. Thank you, Wanda, for that question. Sylvia writes, question for Marie. How empathetic is Jonathan towards you? Have you been sick since you met or moved in together? Great question. So, since I moved in together, all I've had is these ailments. Like, I have a frozen shoulder. I've had stuff going on. Your neck. My neck. Your kneecap. Which is better now. So, he's very empathetic. Sometimes it's like, yes, I'm okay. Well, what level is your pain? Okay, right now it's just a six. And he's like, oh, so you're still hurting. No, it's a six. It's not a 10. Well, you had a 12 the other day. I did. The other day it was really bad. By the way, I know I brought up in a video that you weren't here, but I talked about maybe having shoulder surgery and you got a lot of love and prayers from everyone. Thank you. Thank you. So, anyways, I hope I'm a good partner in that way. So, Sylvia, I appreciate that question. Thank you for the question. All right, Alana says, question. I've been in a committed relationship for a year and six months and he pulled away this week. Hasn't called or texted. Do I call him out? What would you do? I would send him a text, telling him I'm very disappointed. You know, I hope there's nothing wrong. But, you know, if there is something, perhaps we can talk about it. Okay. So, it's, I like that on some level you start with the feeling you have. I'm feeling disappointed in your lack of communication. If it's something happens, you please let me know. Or, you know, but at the same time, if this is a behavior that is gonna continue, I don't wanna put up with this shit. I mean, so I think it's, I think, you know what? Listen. There's a lot of cowards out there. Just don't wanna deal with the breakup. They pull away and then just hope the- I know back in my twenties, this one gal. You probably did that. I did that. I just, I was so, I just couldn't deal with it. But I was also 20 years old, immature. I didn't have the communication skills to say, I'm just not that into you anymore. And honestly, I didn't even know why I stopped being into her. Like I think with men in particular, we could like someone one moment and then we don't feel that. I don't mean, well, you've been together. You said a year and a half. So, you know, for someone to do that a year and a half, that's bullshit. That's coward behavior. Well, and then, you know, is there someone else in the picture? And he's just not letting me know. That's another thing that might be going on too. But I also think, and I would say you would agree with me, when we decided, now mind you, we had distance involved. So we had to be more intentional. But being intentional right from the beginning and establishing the rules of engagement, as I talked about, the rules of... They've been together for a long time. No, but I'm talking about, this is the kind of stuff that it should be discussed well before the year and a half mark to really establish, are we just dating? And by the way, folks, dating today is just a long drawn out version of friends with benefits for many people. It might have monogamy and exclusivity, but there's no real development of routes to commitment. So I think it's important to establish the parameter sooner rather than later, sooner than the year and a half. Sorry, one of the things that's really important to me in a relationship is respect. And that is a very disrespectful act. If he is, let's say that there's something horrible going on in his life, but the fact that he doesn't respect you enough to say, this is what's going on in my life and I'm gonna pull away. Or at least it gives you the knowledge that you need whether you wanna stay in this or not. Well, I also, and I appreciate the respect, but also there's a level of care. Like if I have something bad happen in my life, your person that you've been dating should be one of the first people you call. Like those are the people that you hope in a year and a half you've built enough trust and trust isn't just about fidelity, although we talked about maybe he met someone else, but trust is, does this person care about my feelings enough to put them at par with my own feelings? You know, so- And you don't know if something happened that you're not even aware of. Well, then it comes to communication. He's not communicating that I don't like the way this is going on. Well, you can't fix something that you don't know about and if pulling away is his cowardly way out, and you don't wanna be a part of it. I would just, like I said, just write a caring text and let him respond and see what happens. I heard Matthew Hussie did an interview with Lewis Howe and he said, you can be ruthless in your communication, but be really gracious with your tone. Like your tone is gracious, but you could be tough in there too. You know, I thought that was interesting. So, Alana, thank you so much for your question. I'm gonna answer Ashley's question here. My boyfriend pulled away after a weekend away, reduced texts, calling or canceling plans. Is it acceptable to ask him to talk to him about it? I have not reached out to him and respected his space. It's kind of the same question. Yeah, I think, you know, I would start with a, you know, hey, Tim, I'm really curious. I've noticed you've communicating with me less. By the way, today most people start with a text message versus of actual phone call, because in some ways it takes the edge off of, it gives a person time to process. So you might- It's less confrontational. Yeah, and you might say, I've noticed you pulled away. Has something happening or life has changed or has something between us changed? And no matter what you say, I'm gonna be okay. Like I think it's really- But I wanna talk about it. Yeah, but just know that, you know, I'm not upset. I just wanna talk about it. Now, because men's fear is you're gonna be angry at us because we're gonna basically most likely end the relationship and we don't wanna deal with it. So by being upfront, look, I'm gonna be okay either way. By saying I'm gonna be okay either way might create enough space for him to answer because he doesn't have to be worried about your feelings or have to, and again, a person you've spent time with if you're your boyfriend, you know, for this to happen means you probably didn't establish the rules of engagement solid enough in the beginning. Folks, this is why I have my dating vows, folks. I'm gonna talk about my dating vows right here. By the way, if you want a copy of what I'm about to share, schedule a discovery call with me to see if coaching is working right for you. And I will give you a copy of this, okay? So the dating vows goes like this. It's an agreement between two people. We did the dating vows after our third, you know, after we agreed to- You read it to me. Well, but we agreed to it. So it goes like this. We both read it to each other. I, Jonathan, agree to explore getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months. I, Jonathan, agree to be monogamous sexually while we are having regular sex together. I, Jonathan, agree not to actively, actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, include taking down our dating profiles, which we both did. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus ghosting, pulling away or disappearing. And lastly, I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which in our case look like, you know, traveling back and forth with one another until we met. And Marie shared the same thing. This is what I call my dating vows. Folks, this is about establishing the rules of engagement. So you don't find yourself. Now, listen, 90% of guys, they're not gonna agree to this. That's cause 80% of the guys are dysfunctional and the other 10% are clueless. So, you know, the right person, if he genuinely likes you and he genuinely wants to explore something with you and before you have sex, I would read these dating vows to one another. And you have a different opinion. No, it's just, okay, so we're gonna be transparent. When he pulled this out and started reading it to me, it was like, what? I just had never come across anybody that wants a contract to date. Well, it wasn't a written contract, it was an agreement. Yeah, but still, it was like a contract. So when you first read it to me, I thought it was a little weird, but you know, I listened to it and I thought, you know what, yeah, I could do that, so here we are. What it did, okay, so I'm glad you said that. At first, you took a backbite, which men will do that. But the reality is, is this is a grown-up way of dating. Like this is, if you're gonna have sex with, listen, if you're gonna have sex with a guy, you have every right to ask anything you want, okay? I'm sorry. When the penis goes inside the vagina, then you get to, before that, you get to establish the rules of engagement. Maybe I'm a little bit tougher, but that's because ladies get used, you hear my coaching calls, you know how used they get, and I'm trying to help, I'm trying to encourage a grown-up way of dating. Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. So anyway, I know I got off tangent there, Ashley, but my point was establishing the rules better, but in this particular case, I would say, hey, I've noticed a shift. Can you talk to me? I'm gonna be okay either way, can we talk about it? Okay, good luck with that, Ashley. All right, Grace writes, how do you go about bringing up sensitive topics? The same way. Yeah, I think, okay, so a lot of people use what's called, oh, hold on a second. I'm gonna bring up my ex-girlfriend, Dr. Sherry Myers. She wrote a book called Chatting or Cheating, okay? Now in that, she talks about, in this book, something called the Oreo cookie. I'm gonna see if I can find it, okay? The Oreo cookie. So the Oreo cookie is also known as the ham sandwich. When you start a conversation, you start with something positive, okay? Something positive like, oh, I love your orange blouse you're wearing or jacket. It doesn't have to be that. Something positive about the person and not their clothing, but something positive about their relationship towards you. Then you share the meat of what you wanna talk about. So the first is the chocolate, next is the frosting in the middle of the Oreo cookie. And then you end with something positive. This way, the tone is conversational and not confrontational. Also, I mentioned the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. The reason why the book is called Nonviolent Communication, because most of us have combative communication. We start off with a bit of hostility. And so that's how I approach it. Do you have any thoughts on that one? No, I agree. I mean, some of the tough things, and we haven't had a lot of tough things, some of the things that we talk about, we either add humor to them, or when it's something really serious, we just... Okay, so we had something tough this week. We did? I bumped your car. Oh. Ha ha ha ha. He drove me to the airport and he got into a fender bender. I mean, it's minor, but it's ridiculous because you have a Tesla and it's ridiculous to fix. Yeah, anything to fix, it's expensive. But I had a heart, I was afraid to tell you. I know. He didn't tell me on the phone. He told me when I got back and I looked at it and I went, oh, okay. Ha ha ha ha. Well, because I was too embarrassed, I was ashamed, to be honest, with everyone here. And so what I did was I waited until we were driving home and I said, by the way, the reason why I'm driving my car right now is because I had a little bump in your car. So, listen, it was sensitive, even though I knew she took it well and I knew she'd take it well. But the place you have the conversation, that seemed like the where you're gonna have the conversation and the tone. You're stuck in a car so you can't leave. Ha ha ha ha. So anyway, I hope that answered your question, Grace. Thank you so much. Wow, we have lots of questions here. Tracy writes, question. I'm in a new relationship. I'm crazy about him. He says that he doesn't let his heart get involved too soon. He is cautiously optimistic, still on match. So when someone says I need to be cautious with my heart and I'm taking it slow, what are your thoughts? I know. Oh, you're thinking of, I know what you're thinking. When someone says he's cautiously optimistic, why can't he be cautiously optimistic exclusively with you? Why does he still have to be on match? To me, it's the guy that's still looking over his shoulder for something. The bigger better deal. The bigger better. Yeah. So that's how I would view it. You know what, folks? I'm here to lay down a new strategy. The terminology is called hardballing. I call it the rules engagement. If you want to spend time with me and you want me to be monogamous with you and exclusive with you, then I want to be intentional about this process. If you want to have sex with me, then you can be cautiously optimistic, or you can be, what did she say also? He doesn't let his heart get involved too soon. You know what? Well, I didn't either. Well, but there's a difference between being, the thing is, is you operate it from a place of authenticity, vulnerability and transparency. You were transparent. In the beginning, you didn't want to give my heart, but you were, but at the same time, not but, and at the same time, you were demonstrating you were all in. I was demonstrating I was all in. We took our profiles off of match right away. Somebody like that. Yeah. There are a dime a dozen. They, you know, I'm, the fact that they're gonna stay on match is not a good sign if he's trying to build a relationship. If he's staying on match, he just wants to keep his options open. Exactly. He probably thinks of you as what I call a maybe. An option. An option, a maybe. In other words, yeah, I like you, but there's a but in there. By the way, did you? Okay, after, you know, I did my little pullback on our first date, you know, our first meeting. You knew I was all in by the time you came to visit and you left. I was, I didn't demonstrate any, I didn't do the whole, you know, I'm not ready for a relationship. I need time. I need to take it slow. Oh, I was a senior again. Yeah. Because when a guy is into you, he pursues forward. He doesn't, he doesn't, you know, have little, let me just keep a little cushion here just in case it doesn't work out. What, what I find that is happening in your relationship is you're crazy about him. Perhaps he already knows that. And so he already has you on the hook. Yeah. And that, you know, I don't know what to tell you. If he's keeping his options open, it's gonna hurt. It's not a good sign. It's not a good sign. The red, it should be a deal breaker, but it's certainly a red flag. So Tracy, thank you for that question. We're gonna go to Kathy next. Hi, Jonathan and Marie. Do you think a relationship runs the risk of trouble if we spend too much time in our heads over analyzing everything that's going on, digging into emotions? What are you talking about? I am not like that. Okay, so I do all that. Has it hurt our relationship? No. Why? No, because I'm open to that. But both people have to be on the same page. Okay, my best friend is in a relationship with a woman who's way too much in her head. She overthinks everything. It's everything is drama, drama, drama. But you know what? He cares for her. He accepts her the way she is. They're good together. You know, when a guy really, by the way, I put up with your wires in your head. Oh my God, you have way, way, way more wires in your head than I do. But when a guy is into you, but more importantly, we're not just lovers. We're not just family to one another. We're good friends with one another. When you establish good friendship, like really good friendship, that's why our morning coffee is so precious to both of us because we get to play with our friendship in this moment. What I mean is I get to hang out with my best friend every morning for coffee. What she's asking is about when you're in your head and trying to decipher and analyze everything. My point is it's okay to be in your head so long as you establish the roots of trust in the relationship. A guy will put up with you being in your head and you put up with me. My friend puts up with his girlfriend. He's constantly analyzing stuff, but it's also because of- Well, what I do for a living. But you analyze things in your head all day long too. No, no, no. I just go into my 50 years of files and go through my files and I'm like, oh, one day I did. All right, so I hope we answered Kathy's question. Let's keep swimming. Let's keep. Call me Marie. There should be a mold. Wait, there could be a mold in this place. Call me Marie. There could be mold in this place. That I don't know about mold. Unless that relates to the shoulder. Oh, about what's happening to me? No, I don't think so. It started before I moved here, but thank you. Hey, here's someone from the group Midlife Love Mastery. If you're watching right now, check out the link in the description to join my private group. This is from one of my Facebook group members says, what do you do if you tell him something he used to do, but he doesn't now? Like say good morning and keep in contact. Then he deflates and says, I disappoint you and doesn't give you what you asked for. I said to him that he doesn't disappoint me and never thought that. You know, I think this is one of those guys that time, you know, says, oh, I'm disappointing you. You don't deserve me. No, that's not gaslighting. That's more, I think when a man is not solid in his life, I think when he's not solid in his, either his life or his emotional stability, he, he, it's, I'm trying to think of the word. He can't, he takes it as criticism. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's more like, it's like self criticism because if he, if someone can't lean into a relationship, they might say things like, oh, you deserve better. Or he, you know, I'm always disappointing you. In other words, it's his, it's a way of doing an escape clause. You know, it's a way of deflecting his ability most likely of actually leaning into the relationship. I've never experienced that. Okay. So that's my, my, my instincts on this one. If I did read your question properly, when he says, I disappoint you and I don't give you what you want. And you, if he says that you can do better, it's because he's not really, he's, he's making excuses, but it's like self criticism because a man who genuinely wants to be in a fully committed relationship, he's expressing all the great things about the relationship instead of criticizing himself because that's his escape clause at some point. I just don't think he's an emotional growth. Probably that's the case. So hope that helps. Thank you so much. Marilyn says, I wish I could afford the naked divorce. Struggling financially doesn't make possible. What can I do instead? By the way, really quickly about that, she's got some other programs that are less expensive. So I definitely, I would reach out to find out about some of her less expensive programs. And she also has a type of discovery call he calls. She calls it a clarity call. Well, she probably did reach out, but, but there are other programs. So you may want to check back, okay? Question, I met what seems to be a great guy. I'm 48 and he's 64, yay or nay, 64 or 48. I don't see a problem with it, if it works. What's the age difference? 16 years. Hey, look it. I dated someone 10 years old. I'm with an older woman now, but... Of course he is. You know what? I wouldn't put an age limit on love. Certainly there's things to be concerned about. There might be some generational differences, certainly health concerns to consider in there. But you know what? We can't predict how long we're gonna live. I just, like I said, I found out about a friend of mine's son who passed away. If you're worried about age. You know what? If two people actually can fall in love, I don't think age really matters. If not can fall in love, do fall in love. Okay, thank you. Good luck with that. Yeah. All right, another question came in from our Facebook group. Question, do you think many people these days depend on fickle feelings rather than a deep commitment to stay the course even after over two years in a relationship? Oh, wow. I think, you know what? I think some people are addicted to drama. And I think fickle feelings is a form of addicted to drama. This is just a personal perception here. In other words. I don't know what fickle is. What is it? Hey, Google, what does fickle mean? Just to help Marie out. It means changing frequently, especially as regards one's loyalty. Yeah, interest, affections. So fickle, they're uncertain. They're changing. I think people that operate that way. I lost my train of thought. I lived in drama. Okay. I grew up in drama. I didn't want drama in my life. And then I married somebody that was a lot of drama too. So drama, I would say away from that. People who are fickle, listen, it's one thing to be uncertain at times. But if they're consistently like they're doing this, yo-yo kind of thing, I wouldn't want to be in relationship with someone who can't be decisive and be clear about their feelings. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Let's keep going here. Lucy Sky just says to the age is a number, the real only thing that for the real only, wait for real only that a number. Okay. How do you pronounce that? T-A-S-O, Ms. Dresser. I don't know how to pronounce names. Tasha. Tasha, did it Tasha? Okay. How do you handle men suddenly becoming disinterested in you and changing their minds after you learn? You have, after you learn, wait, after they learn you have a disability, illness or some condition. Oh, that's a tough one. You know, it's funny watching the good doctor, you know? This is a person who has, who is autistic. Now it's very obvious in the beginning. I think it takes a very, you know, most people are not going to accept a disability. I'm not saying that as a, you know, as a put down. I just think that's natural because not everyone can take on somebody who is in depending on what their disability is. In the case of like the good doctor, she felt the, by the way, this is an autistic man who is a surgeon and also is now married. You know, she was able to see beyond the disability. She, well, not that it's a disability, but she saw beyond it. I think in many cases, well, there's even the people in the wheelchair that in the show is actually a good show to kind of emphasize this. I think when two people establish a friendship, understanding at a disability is part of the equation and two people fall in love from that place, it's a lot easier than learning, you know, on a second, third date. Now it could depend on the disability. You know, there's some disabilities that are quite obvious, like you might have an amputated leg or is that a disability? I mean, you might have M.S. or something. But if you have something that's progressive, that's something to really think about. I did meet somebody, nice guy, and we had a lot of similarities and I got really excited. We had like four conversations and then he told me that he had Parkinson's. And so then of course I did all the research on Parkinson's and that it's a debilitating disease that progresses and no matter how well he was doing at that moment, that's not something that I think I wanted to sign up for. So can I share something about you to the audience? Yeah, I knew you were gonna do that. Okay, so on our first meeting, Marie shared with me that she has something called benign tremors and it causes her hand to shake a little bit and it's called familiar tremors because it's hereditary and you're on a medication for it. And interestingly enough, I was sharing this with my best girlfriend or my best female friend and immediately she's like, before you take on this, you better find out everything about that. And she put a little bit of fear into me. But at the same time, I knew that you were special. I knew you were different. And when I looked into it, it wasn't that big of a deal. So even though my friend kind of put the fear of like, you don't wanna get involved with someone with a disability, a couple of things. A, I liked you enough. And then when I found out about it, it didn't seem like it would affect our relationship dramatically. And then the really funny thing is that like, I take medication so I don't shake, see? But ever since then, we meet people that have the same thing. Oh my God, I've met like three people and their hands are like this all the time. So I hope I helped you with that one, Tasha. I hope we helped you with that one. So thank you. Let's keep swimming. All right, question. Day the guy three times and made plans for another. He was responsive quickly to make the plan that isn't answering my texts to let me know a day. Really liked this guy, how to get him to respond. You know what? I'm gonna try something radical here. Hey, Tim, I haven't heard from you, but I'd like to take you out for drinks tomorrow night or Thursday night, are you free? And see how he responds to that, okay? Like turn the tables and ask him out and see how I'm just, it's a test, okay? Just to see how he respond. If he doesn't respond, you throw him back in the ocean. I mean, I'd be done with him. You wouldn't do that. I don't know, it depends on how much I like the guy. Well, she probably likes him or she wouldn't have posted this. And they had three dates, made plans for another and then he disappeared. Okay, the reality is that he probably had three other dates with other people too at the same time. And... But you know what? I'm turning the table. I'm making a suggestion. You can just say, hey, look, you obviously... I have nothing to lose. Yeah, well, you two things. You could simply say, you know, it's obvious to me by your lack of communication that something has changed with you, which is totally fine. I wanna wish you all the best on your journey. That's one way of approaching it. Or just say, hey, Tim, you know, I hadn't heard back from you. I was wondering if I could take you out for drinks Thursday or Friday night, which would work best for you? Just to see how he'd respond. I'm just doing a little test there. You probably should go with the former, not the latter, but you can just simply say, hey, look, you haven't responded. Obviously something has changed, which is okay by me and I wish you all the best. That would be a way to respond. I have one thing that I have to add to that. So I've had friends that go through this. And one of the problems that a lot of women do is they really want this guy. And because they want this guy, they're gonna put up with this. And try and get his attention and all that. And that when he's already decided that he's done. Then you know what? Okay, so I'm gonna retract my idea of asking him out. I want you to simply say, hey, Tim, obviously by your lack of communication, something has shifted with you, which is totally fine. I wanna wish you all the best on your journey and be well. And anyway, I would try that. Okay, good luck. Stop Wars 86 says, I'm not saying dating vows using another word, dating agreements. I still like vows, but I can appreciate agreements as well. I know it's- I like agreement vows. I know, but you know why I call it vows? Because you know what? We gotta start acting more like grown-ups. There's too many toddlers as adults operating in the relationship. Vows sounds like a deep commitment. And if he wants your vagina, then he has to make a deeper commitment in my book because I'm your big brother, okay? That's why I suggest it that way, okay? All right. Ah, let's see. Let's see. What are your thoughts about prenuptial agreements? What do you think about prenuptial agreements? I know how you feel. Well, I think sometimes it can damage the relationship. I've seen it in friends that just, it just hurt them so much because they had given their heart to this person and now this person is not trusting them enough. But at the same time, somebody that's very wealthy, like my best guy friend, there's no way he could get married without a prenup. I think if two people come together with the same assets, they probably don't need it, but someone that does have significant assets, I think a prenup, if nothing else, is merely an agreement that if this doesn't work out, this is what we would do. And by the way, in prenups don't have to be just one-sided. It could be if we are married 10 years, then this is gonna be null and void or it's gonna be adjusted. Oh, that's a good point, yeah. Those are things that can happen. Yeah, okay. All right. Not my favorite thing, though. Okay. Question, how soon, or Katie says, how soon and when should I ask about sex preferences, addictions, porn, use? Does it show that porn, wait, does it show that porn was an issue in my last relationship, last long-term relationship? When's a good time to talk about sex preferences? On the first date. Okay, that would be a little weird. I think that would be a little weird. Well, you know, well, okay. So I shared this in the private group, how I threw out a sexual innuendo or two on our first date. Yeah. Men test women. I shot a video on that, men test women and sometimes we throw out sexual innuendos just to see how you'd respond. We test boundaries in this case. Here's the thing. I think talking about sexual preferences when two people have agreed to a monogamous and exclusive relationship, I think that's a good time. I think talking about porn is a good conversation to have. What that means to each person. You have to hope that the person you're talking to is honest and trustworthy. But I think it's by the time you've agreed to explore a relationship with someone and your monogamous and exclusive, from a timing perspective, that's when I would do it. Do you have a different thought? The difference is if it's like an addiction, if somebody is addicted to porn, I think that's gonna cause problems in a relationship. So the question is, how do I find out if someone is addicted sooner rather than later? I would simply ask them. You know, I know what I would might say something like this, you know, in my experience, I've known some men who have porn addiction. What are your thoughts on that? So you're not asking him if he has a porn addiction, you're just simply saying, I've known other men that have porn addictions. What are your thoughts on that? I'd like to get your opinion on it. I'm gonna guess what a guy like that's gonna say. If he actually has an addiction? He's gonna say, there's nothing wrong with porn. Everybody watches porn, there's no big deal with porn. And if he gets defensive, there's your answer. Exactly, give me a bump, that was well done. Exactly, if he gets defensive and he starts deflecting, that's the red flag. So Katie, great question to ask. You know what, folks, we're coming up on the hour, there's so much questions here, I think too much for us to answer. I wanna thank everyone that joins us, especially when my sweetheart Marie is on. I hope you find value in this content. If you do, please post a comment below. Please like this video, please share it. Please check out the Naked Divorce, check out a free discovery call with me. By the way, when you go to the Naked Divorce, mention my name because they'll give you a little something special for it. And you're a real, just a real treat for me. Even with my voice. Oh, well, let's, okay, let's, okay. A couple of you have commented on Marie's voice. A lot of people have. And today it's a little bit extra horse than normal. I'm not that I don't know why I said horse, but please tell everyone about how your voice developed. I've always had this voice. I've never been a smoker. Someone said something. Yeah, they said you were a chain smoker and this is a byproduct of 50 plus years of smoking. No, my grandmother also had a deep voice. So I'm assuming that that's where I got it from. You have that Kathleen, Kathleen. Yeah, she didn't have a deep voice. No, she had a very sexy voice like you when she was younger. Well, now she has a horse voice. When, like when you're in junior high, it was really tough because a lot of people ask and you know, junior high kids are not very nice. It's like, what's wrong with your voice? Are you sick or something? Why are you always talking like that? And it's like, you know, and I would just look at people and I'd say, this is my normal voice. By the way, people would say, what the heck, Marie has a voice that's sexy. Marie sounds like a radio host. Marie, your voice is lovely. It's a beautiful voice. And it's funny because when you're young, that's when people say stuff, negative stuff, it's when you're, then you develop this insecurity and I never wanted to hear my voice. I hated recording my voice anywhere. So I was part of the whole doing this. Reluctance. Yeah, my reluctance. By the way, for the record, when I first talked to you, I'm like, whoa, your voice is very deep. But now I don't even notice it. I mean, I love your voice. I think it's sexy. So everyone, I agree with you. I've never, I've never smoked. And it's just my voice the way it's always been. By the way, some people have commented that I have my hands crossed when I do these videos. And I'm like, I do it because I have no place to put my hands. We have a small desk here to shoot these. So this is where I put them. So people have made, people seem to make interesting comments about the two of us. And so I just sharing one that they make about me. By the way, one person asked, can you sing? No. Well, okay. After a drink or six and at three o'clock in the morning, I could do share karaoke. You can do share karaoke. I could do share. After one to six. A drink or six. Okay. Everyone, we're gonna wrap up this video tonight. As I always do. First off, giving my sweetheart a big gigantic Johnson Bear hug of love. Can I get one back? Can I give one back to you? Everyone, thank you so much for being on. I hope you hadn't found value in this. Again, meeting Mr. Wright gets easier when you practice those four things we talked about in the early. I want to wish everyone a fantastic evening and say goodbye, Marie. Bye. Thank you.