 J-E-L-L-O! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with confidentially. When I was a kid spending the summer in the country, my grandfather used to tell me about the country stores when he was a boy. He said he'd sit on a sack of flour and swing his bare legs while his mother argued with the storekeeper. Seems there wasn't a thing she'd take his word for, from a dill pickle to a barrel of crackers. And good ol' grandpa said it was your something to listen to those arguments. Well, things have certainly changed. Today, there's no ground for an argument. When you go into a grocery store, you find packaged foods with brand names you recognize as your guarantee of quality. For instance, when you see the word Jell-O on a package, you know that here is a fine product, the real thing. Because that very name, Jell-O, is a trademark. It's the property of general foods. If you hear any other Jell-O dessert called Jell-O, that's incorrect, for there is no other Jell-O. And remember, Jell-O brings you that extra rich flavor as tempting and refreshing as the real ripe fruit. So always ask your grocer for Jell-O. And by the way, this week, the National Association of Retail Grocers are holding their annual convention. And we want to send them congratulations and best wishes from Jell-O, America's favorite gelatin dessert, potentially played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this being Father's Day, we bring you a man who is daddy to a polar bear, Jack Benny. Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking. And Don, you're right. I do take rather a paternal attitude toward Carmichael. You know, that animal is like a child of mine. He's so affectionate. You're really very fond of him, aren't you, Jack? I certainly am. Believe me, we're going to have a lot of fun this summer on our trip to Alaska. Oh, are you taking Carmichael to Alaska? Yes, he has relatives in Skagway. Two uncles and a sister-in-law. I believe, huh? By the way, Don, what are you going to do on your vacation? Well, I haven't planned very much, Jack. But let me tell you something. When you see me next season, you're due for a big surprise. What do you mean? Well, I'm going on a diet this summer and take off 10 pounds. My, my. You'll never know me. Don, you could take 10 pounds off your lower lip and nobody would know us. Now, when you go on a diet, you ought to try and take off about 50 or 60 pounds while you'd even feel better. Jack, this may surprise you, but I'm not as fat as you think. What appears to be fat is really muscle. Oh, oh. My stomach, for instance, is as solid as the rock of Gibraltar. Oh, it is. Well, Don, I saw you playing golf the other day in nothing but a pair of shorts, and Gibraltar was out of bounds. What a fuzzy. Say, Jack. Yes, Phil. I wouldn't talk about Don's figure if I were you. I've seen you around your swimming pool, and you're no Adonis in a bathing suit. Oh, I'm not, eh? Your chest caves in, your stomach sticks out, and your legs look like they were tired of it all. Well, Phil, you don't even have to get undressed to lose a beauty contest. Your nose looks like a pack mule with those bags hanging down each side. And by the way, have you got your other bags packed for walkie-gon? You know, we're leaving tonight right after the broadcast. I'm all set, Jackson. Gee, I can hardly wait to see all my old friends and pals. I'm excited as a kid all week thinking about it. I can imagine. Where are we going to live when we get there, Jack? Well, you fellas are going to stay at the hotel Walkie-Gan. See, you stopped there last summer, didn't you, Phil? Yeah. Oh, you'll love it, Don. It's a swell hotel, very modern. Go on, they got a house detective there with a bow and arrow. Was that so? And if you're not downstairs by 7 AM, they send a maid up to see if you're dead. Well, that's because Walkie-Gan is a wide awake town. Everybody gets up early. Are you going to live at the hotel, Jack? Well, I'm not sure, Don. I'll probably stay with relatives. I don't know whether to live at Aunt Clara's or Aunt Molly's or Cousin's Sooty's. They're all so anxious to entertain me. Well, which one is the closest to town? Aunt Molly. She lives right over the elite Turkish baths. As a matter of fact, she's a rubber there. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Oh, say, Jack, I just got a wire from mom and she won't be able to meet us in Walkie-Gan. Well, I'm just sick about that. What does your mother say? She says that, dear Mary, we'll be unable to take the train to Walkie-Gan as your grandfather, who was off the beam again, cut paper dolls out of the tickets. Well, maybe you can go to Plainfield afterwards and visit your mother and father. By the way, Mary, this is Father's Day. Did you send your dad anything? I sure did. I sent Papa some cufflinks and studs for his dress shirt. Dress shirt? Well, your father never wore a full dress suit in his life. He does now. He got a job with an escort service. Oh, fine. Now when he takes mom to the movies, he charges her 60 cents an hour. Well, it's worth it to go out with her. Anyway, Mary, I'm glad you remembered your father. That was a sweet thought. Not only that, I sent him the cutest card with it and I made up the words myself. You did? What was it? Oh, daddy, dear, oh, daddy, dear, I send you cufflinks with good cheer. And when you hawk them, which you'll do, if you can't get five, go ahead, take two. Well, that's a lovely sentiment. He'll probably take advantage of us. Say, Jack, I sent a present to my father down in Tennessee that he'll be crazy about. I sent him a vacation outfit. A vacation outfit? Yeah, a hammock, a jug, and a fly's water. Well, he's all set for the summer. What does your father do in the winter, Phil? Same thing. Only we give him a blanket. Well, that's the life I see. Well, that's the life, I suppose. Take it easy and don't worry about anything. You know, it's kind of nice that dad gets a break once a year. I sent my father a pair of leggings. Oh, is he still with Western Union? No. He wears them when he goes horseback riding. Say, Jack, you know what I sent my father for a present? Yes, Don. I know how many flavors it has, so don't get cute. Hello, Jack. Oh, hi, Kenny. Say, Kenny, you're all set to leave for Waukegan. You know, we're going right after the broadcast. Oh, sure. I got my suitcase downstairs on the sidewalk. On the sidewalk? Well, for heaven's sake, bring it in. Somebody's liable to steal it. Well, don't worry. Nobody will touch my suitcase. How do you know? I printed J. Edgar Hoover on it. Well, that's very clever, Kenny. How'd you ever happen to think of that? Oh, Kid Baker has a flash once in a while. You have it that. Now, Kenny, when we get to Waukegan, I want you to be on your best behavior and make a good impression. You know, I don't want you whistling at the girls like you do here. Can I wink at them? No. You can't whistle and you can't wink, so watch yourself. And now, folks. Can I wiggle my ears? No. You won't show off at all. I want everybody in Waukegan to say, now there's a nice boy. And now, folks. I'd rather have them run me out of town. Kenny, I don't want to hear another word about it. And now, folks, we will have a song by our fresh young tenor who's going to get his canoe paddled if he doesn't watch out. Now, go ahead. Hold it a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? I just dropped in to wish you a very pleasant trip to Waukegan and to tell you that I'll miss you while you're gone. Well, thanks very much. Well, what are you standing there for? Ain't you going to kiss me goodbye? No, I'm not. Get out of here. He's the most affectionate lunatic I ever met. Sing, Kenny. Why should you cling to some fated thing that you use? This is the one moment that I thought I never could live through. But now, somehow, that it's here, my dear, that police fear has gone away. And what is on a wall? Don't worry about me sung by Kenny Baker. And Kenny, before I forget, I saw your picture the Makado last night, and I thought you were swelling it. You look great in technicolor. Oh, I thought I was too darn pretty. Well, that ought to worry you. Good looks never hurt anybody. At least it never hurt me. Can I say something, Jack? No. Anyway, the Makado was a swell picture, Kenny, and you were grand in it. The Makado. Say that's a Western, ain't it? That was our musical director, folks. Phil, for your information, the Makado is one of the most famous operettas ever written. No, kid. You're a fine musician, Phil. For you to pick up a baton and lead an orchestra is perjury. Why, Jack Benny, you didn't know what the Makado was yourself until you saw the picture. I didn't know what the Makado was? Why, Mary Livingston, before we went into the theater, I told you it was an oriental story. You told me Charlie Chan was in it, too. All right, so I made one little mistake. But Phil has no excuse. He's supposed to have studied music. That study and don't mean nothing why some of our greatest musical geniuses have never studied music. Name one. Abe Lyman. Oh, fine. Lyman is worse than you are. He directs his boys with a raw hide whip. You know, a funny thing about you and Lyman, Phil, you both started out as drummers, and now you both have your own orchestras. Proving what? Proving hooray for the red, white, and blue. It could only happen here. That's what. Oh, Jack, why do you criticize other musicians? You took violin lessons for 12 years and all you can play is love and bloom. All I can play is love and bloom. What's the matter with thanks for the memory? What's the matter with deep purple? Nothing until you start sawing on him. Listen, Mary, your opinion doesn't matter very much. If you want to know something, I've been complimented by Heifetz. Heifetz? Why, Heifetz doesn't even know you're alive. He does, too, because he tried to shoot me once. It was at the Penn Theater in Wilkes-Barre. So don't be so smart. I don't like to pat myself on the back all the time, but there's one instrument I've really mastered. I can make a violin talk. You certainly can, Jack. Thanks, Don. Why, many is the time I've heard your violin say, I'm proud to snuggle under the chin of a man who works for Jello. Oh, for Pete's sake. Because Jello is economically easy to make and comes in six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. You mean my violin even knows the flavors? Yes, sir. Well, isn't that amazing? This stuff is strictly for the kids. It was pretty subtle, Baker, so go and sit down. And now, ladies and gentlemen, going from my talking violin to our last play of the season, tonight, the Benny Rund do not walk to the nearest exit players, will present for your amusement approval and edification that stirring melodrama of the gay 90s lavender and ol' louse. Now, I will play lavender, and our maestro will be the rest of the title. Now, in this play, I'll take it. Hello? Hello, boss, this is Rochester. All right, what do you want? Well, I just finished pressing your clothes for the trip, and I don't think you ought to take your white flannels with you. Why not? Well, you know that trouble I have with the toast every morning. Yes? Well, the same thing happened to your flannels only, I guess. Rochester, did you burn a hole in my new white flannels? It ain't my fault, boss, it's that cheap material. Cheap material, what are you talking about? I paid $45 for those pans. $45? Yes. Is this you, boss? Yes, it's me. And don't act so surprised. By the way, is Carmichael all ready? I think you're making a mistake taking that polar bear to walk hegan. Well, I'm not going to leave him in the house by himself for two weeks, he'll get lonely. Why don't you rug him? Rug him, Rochester, I'm getting tired of these constant threats against Carmichael. Now put him in that big packing box and take him to the station. I can't put him in that box, boss. Why not? I'm talking from there now. You're in the packing case? Well, for heaven's sake, where's Carmichael? He's sitting on the lid. Oh, my goodness. If I had a long pen, I'd dethrone him. Oh, stop playing with that animal and finish packing. And by the way, Rochester, I'm taking my violin with me, so don't forget it. Doggone, I look tired and low for that fiddle and I can't find it nowhere. Oh, well, I suppose it never occurred to you to look in my violin case. I did, boss. Well? There ain't nothing there but four strings and a fat termite. Now don't give me that. The violin is around someplace. Now get everything together. My trunks, bags, Carmichael violin, and hurry down to the station. OK, can I take a taxi? What's the matter? Have the buses stop running? Now hang up and get going. OK, goodbye. Goodbye. Doggone, if I could get $3 ahead, I'd quit this job. What? What did you say? Didn't I hang up? No, you didn't. Well, here goes. So long, boss. The guy has always complained. I never thought that you'd die. Now he wants to ride in taxi cabs. Oh, well, getting back to our play, the opening scene. Hey, Jack, I don't think we're going to be able to do our play tonight. Look what time it is. Oh, yes, the train leaves in about 40 minutes and we've got to get downtown. Where do we leave from? The new union station. Phil, have you got your car here? Yeah, I'll have my guitar player run us down. Oh, you mean happy Bolliver? That's swell. Come on, Mary, we'll be late. Oh, wait a minute. I got to kiss the orchestra, goodbye. Put down that piano player and come on. So long, boys. See you at the station. So long, so long, Jack, so long, so long. Hit it, man. Get close to me, everybody. I don't want anyone missing the train. I'll call the roll. Don Wilson? Here. Mary Livingston? Oh, Jack, stop acting like a scout master. Well, I'm trying to be systematic. Hey, Kenny, get a load of that blonde. Wow, what a doll. Ain't she something? Hiya, babe. Hello, Kenny. Why, Kenny, do you know her? Yeah, that's my Aunt Rosie. Well, she ain't my Aunt. Wait a minute, Rosie. Phil, come back here. You'll miss the train. Oh, Don, take a look around, see if you can find Andy in Rochester. OK, Jack. Jesus. I don't know where they are. All aboard. Train leaving on track three for Santa Monica, Santa Clara, Santa Anita, Santa Barbara, and Santa present to your dad is Father's Day. Oh, heart. Well, he's a topical announcer, I'll say that. Hey, Kenny, Kenny, where's your suitcase? Somebody stole it. Somebody stole it? Well, that's awful. What are you going to wear on the train tonight? You haven't got pajamas or anything? I'll lend him a pair of my pajamas, Jack. Just give him the uppers, Don. He can use it for a nightgown. And tie a bell around his neck. He might get lost. Yeah. Oh, this is too complicated. I'll sleep raw. Sleep any way you want, oh, I don't care. Say, Mary, I'm going over and buy the tickets. I haven't got them yet. OK, Jack, I'm going to get some magazines. Meet me here. All right, let's see. Where's the ticket window? Oh, here it is. Pardon me, I like to buy seven tickets to walk Keegan. Walk Keegan? That's an Asia Minor, isn't it? No, it's in Illinois. I want seven round-trip tickets to walk Keegan, Illinois. Why don't you buy one way? You might like it there. I know I like it there. It's my hometown. But I got to come back here. I'm in pictures. So is I, and look at me now. Well, that's your tough luck. Now, hurry up, I got to make a train. OK, here you are. Oh, yes, I want births. I want four uppers and three lowers. Well, you know the lowers are higher than the uppers. I know, I did that in Borderville 20 years ago. So don't start that routine. Just give me the births. Here you are. Thanks. Gee, what a guy. Have a nice trip, deadpan. Deadpan, he wants me to laugh yet. All aboard, train leaving on track 16 for Louisville and Bowling Green. Nashville, Knoxville, Vicksburg, and all points out on the choo-choo-choo. That guy has more fun than the Ritz Brothers. Now, let's see, where's the magazine stand? Oh, there's Mary now. Hey, Mary. Yeah. Did you get your magazine? Uh-huh, I got, look, pick, click, and clock. Oh, clock, that's that new one, isn't it? Yeah, it's got Kenny Baker's picture on the cover. Well, that ought to sell a million copies. Come on back there with me, Mary. I want to get a book. OK. I want to get something light, a good mystery or something. Now, why don't you get Ferdinand the Bull? Ferdinand the Bull isn't a mystery. He is to the other bulls. I'll pick out my own book. Here we are. How do you do, sir? How do you do? I'd like to get a book, please, a real good mystery story. Yes, sir. Have you read Phil Harris and his gang or Murder at the Wilshire Bowl? No, but I get what you mean. Say, Jack, here's this well book, and it's a special. A special, what is it? The range came and an umbrella for $250. Oh, that's by Louis Bromfield. He's a little too deep for me. Say, buddy, what's your best seller here? Well, our most popular book is Twindian Bull, by Kansas River Junior. Funny, I never heard of that. Why, it's very popular. He also wrote, Twindian Knurson. And The Life of Amos and Ribbon Bull, and so on and so on and so forth. Oh, never mind. Come on, Mary. Wait a minute. Why don't you take this one, Jack? What's that? Ralph Fram did it, it by George P. Stumpfum. Don't you start that stuff. Hey, buddy, just give me a Saturday evening pose. There you are. Come on, Mary, let's go. Goodbye, any kind of pose is very, very easy. I meet the most unusual people. I wish Rochester would get here. He's making me very nervous. There's Don Wilson. Oh, Don. That's the information booth. I mean next to it. Pardon me, mister. Oh, now what? Can you tell me what time the airplane leaves here for San Francisco? Airplane, I'm afraid you're going to have a little trouble, buddy. Airplanes don't leave from a railroad station. Oh, you're one of those wise guys that knows everything. I'm not a wise guy, but I know you can't take an airplane from a railroad station. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Board, airplane leaving on track eight. Oh, Bakersfield, Salinas, Oakland, and San Francisco. Board. What? You see, you're big smarty. Oh, go pin your hair up. Fresh guy. Well, Jack, I found Andy. Here he is. Hi, you bug. Well, Andy, I was worried about you. Gee, you've got a lot of friends at the station. Are you all excited about going to war keegan with us? Yeah, but gee, I'm scared. I've never been on a train before. Well, you'll get a big kick out of it. Did you bring your pajamas? Pajamas? Dog gone. Can you sleep on a train? Why, of course, certainly. Well, I'll be darned. Can you eat, too? Yeah, Jack brought sandwiches. One more crack, and you won't get any. Where am I? Oh, now let's get over it. I hate to miss my place at a station. Now let's get over to the gate. How long does it take to go to war keegan anyway? Well, Andy, we'll be on the train for two whole days and two nights. We will? Yep. Say, Bak, do they have it? Yes, yes, don't worry. You'll be all right. Well, what are we going to war keegan for anyway? Well, Andy, we're going to do our last broadcast from there. And besides, they're going to have the premiere of that new Paramount picture, Man About Town. Darring Jack Benny, get it all in. Never mind. Hey, Phil, Phil, stick around here, will you? I don't want to have to look for you. OK, Papa. Yeah, I wish Rochester would get here. The train will be pulling out in a few minutes. Well, it's your own fault, making him look all over the house for that violin. Why do you want to take it to war keegan anyway? Because my old violin teacher, Charlie Lindsay, will be at the premiere. And I want to show everybody in war keegan what he's done for me. Well, that's the dirtiest trick I ever heard of. Yeah, well, I'm going to practice every day on the train. Oh, Greyhound, where is thy depot? Phil, if you don't like it, you can stay home. All aboard. Train leaving on track seven for Grubhullo, Possum Junction, Squirrel Center, Beaver Creek, Mud City, and war keegan. Board. Oh, my goodness, there's our train in Rochester. Isn't here yet. Yeah, I am, boss. Well, it's about time. Is that all the stuff with you? Yep, trunks, bag, violin, and everything. Good, where's Carmichael? He's buying the tickets. I bought the tickets already. Carmichael, come here. Come on, gang, let's go. Come on, gang, let's go. Say, Rochester, I'm afraid to put Carmichael in the baggage car. You'll have to share a compartment with you. I don't want that animal in with me. He snores. Oh, what's the difference? You're only going to be on the train two nights. Well, if he snores the first night, the second night, you can get a piece of him in the dining car. You lay a hand on him, and I'll Hurry up, Jack, the train's leaving. I'm coming, I'm coming. It's not true that nobody does anything about the weather. We've done something about it. We have the perfect recipe for those hot, sultry nights when nobody feels like eating. Jellied fruit made with shimmering fruit-rich lemon jello, and here's what you do. Dissolve one package of lemon jello and one pint of hot water and chill until slightly thickened. Then fold in one can of fruit salad, cut into small pieces. Mold until firm and serve as dessert or salad, either one. It's well. Delicious lemon jello with that wonderful extra-rich fruit flavor, so tangy and tempting and cool. And molded firmly inside, the colorful fruits, peaches and pears, cherries and apricots shining through the golden jello. It's grand to look at and to eat and easy to make. So ask your grocer tomorrow for some lemon jello and try this new summer recipe. Jellied fruit. That was the last number of the 38th program in the new jello series. And we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time broadcasting from my hometown, Walkegan, Illinois. Well, Andy, are you thrilled being on a train for the first time? I sure am. But say, Buck, ain't it dangerous going through that Indian country? Oh, no, Andy. I've been through it a hundred times, and I haven't been scalped once. You'd never know it. Is that so? Good night, folks. A-D-L-L-O. Any baker pairs on the jello program for courtesy of mother-in-law and production. Don't worry about me. It's from the Cotton Club Parade. This is the National Broadcast, and that's it.