 The Diary of a Madman by Guy Dumont-Passant Read by Alan Davis Drake. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information and to learn how to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. He was dead. The head of a high tribunal, the upright magistrate, whose irreproachable life was a proverb in all the courts of France. Advocates, young counsellors, judges had saluted, bowing low in token of profound respect, remembering that grand face, pale and thin, illuminated by two bright, deep-set eyes, he had passed his life in pursuing crime and in protecting the weak. Swindlers and murderers had no more redoubtable enemy, for he seemed to read in the recesses of their souls their most secret thoughts. He was dead, now at the age of eighty-two, honored by the homage and followed by the regrets of a whole people. Soldiers in red breeches had escorted him to the tomb, and men in white cravats had shed on his grave, hears that seemed to be real. But listen to the strange paper found by the dismayed notary in the desk where the judge had kept filed the records of great criminals. It was titled, Why? June 20, 1851 I have just left court. I have condemned the blondie to death. Now why did this man kill his five children? Frequently one meets with people to whom killing is a pleasure. Yes, yes, it should be a pleasure, the greatest of all perhaps, for is not killing most like eating? To make and to destroy. These two words contain the history of the universe, the history of all worlds, all that is, all. Why is it not intoxicating to kill? June 25 To think that there is a being who lives, who walks, who runs. A being. What is a being? An animated thing which bears in it the principle of motion and a will ruling that principle. It clings to nothing, this thing. Its feet are independent of the ground. It is a grain of life that moves on the earth and this grain of life, coming I know not whence, one can destroy at one's will. Then nothing, nothing more. It perishes. It is finished. June 25 Why then is it a crime to kill? Yes, why? On the contrary, it is the law of nature. Every being has the mission to kill. He kills to live and he lives to kill. The beast kills without ceasing all day, every instant of its existence. Man kills without ceasing to nourish himself, but since in addition he needs to kill for pleasure, he has invented the chase. The child kills the insects he finds, the little birds, all the little animals that come in his way. But this does not suffice for the irresistible need to massacre that is in us. It is not enough to kill beasts. We must kill man too. Long ago this need was satisfied by human sacrifice. Now the necessity of living in society has made murder a crime. We can dem and punish the assassin. But as we cannot live without yielding to this natural and imperious instinct of death, we relieve ourselves from time to time by wars. Then a whole nation slaughters another nation. It is a feast that maddens armies and intoxicates the civilians, women and children who read by lamplight at night the feverish story of massacre. And do we despise those picked out to accomplish these butcheries of men? No, they are loaded with honors. They are clad in gold and in resplendent stuffs. They wear plumes on their heads and ornaments on their breasts, and they are given crosses, rewards, titles of every kind. They are proud, respected, loved by women, cheered by the crowd, solely because their mission is to shed human blood. They drag through the streets their instruments of death, and pass her by, clad in black, looks on with envy. For the kill is the great law put by nature in the heart of existence. There is nothing more beautiful and honorable than killing. June 30. To kill is the law, because nature loves eternal youth. She seems to cry in all her unconscious acts. Quick, quick! The more she destroys, the more she renews herself. July 3. It must be a pleasure, unique and full of zest to kill, to place before you a living thinking being, to make therein a little hole, nothing but a little hole, and to see the red liquid flow, which is the blood, which is the life, but then to have before you only a heap of limp flesh, coal, void of thought. August 5. I, who have passed my life in judgment, condemning, killing by words pronounced, killing by the guillotine, those who had killed by the knife, if I should do as all the assassins whom I have smitten have done, I, I, who would know it? August 10. Who would ever know? Who would ever suspect me, especially if I should choose a being I had no interest in doing away with? August 22. I could resist no longer. I have killed a little creature as an experiment, as a beginning. John, my servant, had a gold-finch in a cage hung in the office window. I sent him on an errand, and I took the little bird in my hand, in my hand where I felt its heart beat. It was warm. I went up to my room. From time to time I squeezed it tighter. Its heart beat faster. It was atrocious and delicious. I was nearly choking it, but I could not see the blood. Then I took scissors, short-nail scissors, and I cut its throat in three strokes, quite gently. It opened its bill. It struggled to escape me, but I held it, oh, I held it. I could have held a mad dog, and I saw the blood trickle. And then I did as assassins do, real ones. I washed the scissor and washed my hands. I sprinkled water and took the body, the corpse, to the garden to hide it. I buried it under a strawberry plant. It will never be found. Every day I can eat a strawberry from that plant. How one can enjoy life when one knows how! My servant cried. He thought his bird flown. How could he suspect me? Ah! August 25. I must kill a man. I must. August 30. It is done. But what a little thing! I had gone for a walk in the forest of verns. I was thinking of nothing, literally nothing. See? A child on the road, a little child eating a slice of bread and butter. He stops to see me pass and says, Good day, Mr. President. And the thought enters my head. Shall I kill him? I answer, You are alone, boy? Yes, sir. All alone in the wood? Yes, sir. The wish to kill him intoxicated me like wine. I approached him quite softly, persuaded that he was going to run away. And suddenly I seized him by the throat. He held my wrists in his little hands, and his body writhed like a feather on the fire. Then he moved no more. I threw the body in the ditch, then some weeds on top of it. I returned home and dined well. What a little thing it was! In the evening I was very gay, rejuvenated, and passed the evening at the prefects. They found me witty, but I have not seen blood. I am not tranquil. August 31 The body has been discovered. They are hunting for the assassin. Ha ha! September 1 The tramps have been arrested. Proofs are lacking. September 2 The parents have been to see me. They wept. Ha! October 6 Nothing has been discovered. Some strolling vagabond must have done the job. Ah! If I had seen the blood flow, it seems to me I should be tranquil now. October 10 Yet another. I was walking by the river after breakfast, and I saw under a willow a fisherman asleep. A spade, as if expressly put there for me, was standing in a potato field nearby. I took it. I returned. I raised it like a club, and with one blow of the edge I cleft the fisherman's head. Oh! he bled this one. Rose-colored blood. It flowed into the water quite gently, and I went away with a grave step. If I had been seen, ah! I should have made an excellent assassin. October 25 The affair of the fisherman makes a great noise. His nephew, who fished with him, is charged with the murder. October 26 The examining magistrate affirms that the nephew is guilty. Everybody in town believes it. Ah! ah! October 27 The nephew defends himself badly. He had gone to the village to buy bread and cheese, he declares. He swears that his uncle had been killed in his absence. Who would have believed him? October 28 The nephew has all but confessed. So much have they made him lose his head. Ah! justice! November 15 There are overwhelming proofs against the nephew, who was his uncle's heir. I shall preside at the sessions. January 25, 1852 To death, to death, to death. I have had him condemned to death. The advocate general spoke like an angel, ah! Yet another. I shall go to see him executed. March 10 It is done. They guillotined him this morning. He died very well, very well. That gave me pleasure. How fine it is to see a man's head cut off. Now I shall wait. I can wait. It would take such a little thing to let myself be caught. The manuscript contains more pages, but told of no new crime. Alienist physicians to whom the awful story has been submitted declare that there are in this world many unknown madmen as adroit and as terrible as this monstrous lunatic. End of The Diary of a Madman This recording is in the public domain. The Head Gardener's Story by Anton Chekhov Translated by Konstantz Garnet This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information and to learn how to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Read by Alan Davis-Strake The Head Gardener's Story A sale of flowers was taking place at Count N's greenhouses. The purchasers were few in number. A landowner who was a neighbor of mine, a young timber merchant, and myself. While the workmen were carrying out our magnificent purchases and packing them into carts, we sat at the entry of the greenhouse and chatted about one thing or another. It was extremely pleasant to sit in a garden on a still April morning, listening to birds and watching the flowers brought out into the open air and basking in the sunshine. The Head Gardener Mikhail Karlovich, a venerable old man with a full-shaven face, wearing a fair waistcoat and no coat, superintended the packing of the plants himself. But at the same time he listened to our conversation in the hope of hearing something new. He was an intelligent, very good-hearted man, respected by everyone. He was, for some reason, impressed upon by everyone as a German, though in reality on his father's side Swedish, on his mother's side Russian, and attended the Orthodox Church. He knew Russian, Swedish, and German. He had read a good deal in those languages, and nothing one could do gave him greater pleasure than lending him some new book or talking to him, for instance, about Ibsen. He had his weaknesses, but they were innocent ones. He called himself the Head Gardener, though there were no under-gardeners. The expression of his face was usually dignified and haughty. He could not endure to be contradicted and like to be listened to with respect and attention. "'Lad young fellow there, I can recommend to you as an awful rascal,' said my neighbor, pointing to a laborer with a swarthy gypsy face, who drove by with a water-barrel. Last week he was tried in town for burglary and was acquitted. They pronounced him mentally deranged, and yet look at him. He is the picture of health. Scoundrels are very often acquitted nowadays in Russia on grounds of abnormality and aberration. Yet these acquittals, these unmistakable proofs of an indulgent attitude to crime, lead to no good. They demoralize the masses. The sense of justice is blunted in all as they become accustomed to seeing vice unpunished. And you know, in our age, one might boldly say in the words of Shakespeare, that in our evil and corrupt age virtue must ask forgiveness of vice. "'That is very true,' the merchant dissented, owing to these frequent acquittals, murder and arson had become much more common. Ask the peasants.' Mikhail Karlovich turned towards us and said, "'As far as I am concerned, gentlemen, I am always delighted to meet with these verdicts of not guilty. I am not afraid for morality and justice when they say not guilty. But on the contrary, I feel pleased. Even when my conscience tells me the jury have made a mistake in acquitting the criminal, even then I am triumphant. Judge for yourselves, gentlemen, if the judges and the jury have more faith in man than in evidence, material, prudent speeches, for the prosecution, is not that faith in man in itself higher than any ordinary considerations? Such faith is only attainable by those few who understand and feel Christ.' "'A fine thought,' I said. "'But not a new one. I remember a very long time ago I heard a legend on that subject, a very charming legend,' said the gardener, and he smiled. I was told it by my grandmother, my father's mother, an excellent old lady. She told me it in Swedish and it does not sound so fine, so classic in Russian. But we begged him to tell it and not to be put off by the coarseness of the Russian language. Much gratified, he deliberately lighted his pipe, looked angrily at the laborers, and began. There settled in a certain little town a solitary plain elderly gentleman called Thompson or Wilson. But that does not matter. The surname is not the point. He followed an honourable profession. He was a doctor. He was always morose and unsociable and only spoke when required by his profession. He never visited anyone, never extended his acquaintance to a silent bow and lived as humble as a hermit. The fact was, he was a learned man and in those days learned men were not like other people. They spent their days and nights in contemplation, in reading and in healing disease, looked upon everything else as trivial and had no time to waste a word. The inhabitants of the town understood this and tried not to worry him with their visits and empty chatter. They were very glad that God had sent them at last a man who could heal disease and were proud that such a remarkable man was living in their town. He knows everything, they said about him. But that wasn't enough. They ought to have also said, he loves everyone. In the breast of that learned man there beat a wonderful angelic heart. Though the people of that town were strangers and not his own people, yet he loved them like children and did not spare himself for them. He was himself ill with consumption and had a cough. But when he was summoned to the sick he forgot his own illness. He did not spare himself and gasping for breath climbed up the hills, however high he might be. He disregarded the sultry heat and the cold, despised, thirst and hunger. He would accept no money and strange to say when one of his patients died he would follow the coffin with the relations, weeping. And soon he became so necessary to the town that the inhabitants wondered how they could have got on before without the man. Gratitude knew no bounds. Grown-up people and children good and bad alike, honest men and cheats all in fact respected him and knew his value. In the little town and all the surrounding neighbourhood there was no man who would allow himself to do anything disagreeable to him. Indeed, there would never have dreamed of it. When he came out of his lodgings he fastened the doors or windows in complete confidence that there was no thief who could bring himself to do him wrong. He often had in the course of his medical duties to walk along the high roads through the forests and mountains haunted by numbers of hungry vagrants. But he felt that he was in perfect security. One night he was returning from a patient when robbers fell upon him in the forest. But when they recognized him they took off their hats respectfully and offered him something to eat. When he answered that he was not hungry they gave him a warm wrap and accompanied him as far as the town happy that fate had given them the chance in some small way to show their gratitude to the benevolent man. Well, to be sure my grandmother told me that even the horses and the cows and the dogs know him and express their joy when they met him. And this man who seemed by his sanctity to have guarded himself from every evil to whom even brigands and frenzied men wished nothing but good was one fine morning found murdered. Covered with blood, with his skull broken he was lying in a ravine and his pale face wore an expression of amazement. Yes, not horror but amazement was the emotion that had been fixed upon his face when he saw the murderer before him. You can imagine the grief that overwhelmed the inhabitants of the town and the surrounding districts. All were in despair unable to believe their eyes wondering who could have killed the man The judges who conducted the inquiry and examined the doctor's body said here we have all the signs of a murder but as there is not a man in the world capable of murdering our doctor obviously it was not a case of murder and the combination of evidence is due to simple cause. We must suppose that in the darkness he fell into the ravine himself and was mortally injured. The whole town agreed with this opinion the doctor was buried and nothing more was said about a violent death. The existence of a man who could have the baseness and wickedness to kill the doctor seemed incredible. There is a limit even to wickedness, isn't there? All at once to believe it, chance led them to discover the murderer a vagrant who had been many times convicted, notorious for his vicious life was seen selling for a drink a snuff box and watch that had belonged to the doctor when he was questioned he was confused and answered with an obvious lie a search was made and in his bed was found a shirt with stains of blood on the sleeves and a doctor's lancet set in gold what more evidence was wanted they put the criminal in prison the inhabitants were indignant and at the same time said it's incredible it can't be so take care that a mistake is not made it does not happen, you know that evidence tells a false tale at his trial the murderer obstinately denied his guilt everything was against him and to be convinced of his guilt was as easy as to believe that this earth is black but the judges seemed to have gone mad they weighed every proof ten times looked distrustfully at the witnesses flushed crimson and sipped water the trial began early in the morning and was only finished in the evening the chief judge said addressing the murderer the court has found you guilty of murdering doctor so-and-so and has sentenced you to the chief judge meant to say to the death penalty but he dropped from his hands the paper on which the sentence was written wiped the cold sweat from his face and cried out no may God punish me if I judged wrongly there he is not guilty I cannot admit the thought that there exists a man who would dare to murder our friend the doctor a man could not sink so low there cannot be such a man the other judges assented no the crowd cried let him go the murderer was set free to go where he choose and not one soul blamed the court for an unjust verdict and my grandmother used to say that for such faith in humanity God forgave the sins of all the inhabitants of that town he rejoices when people believe that man in his image and semblance and grieves if forgetful of human dignity they judge worse of men than dogs the sentence of acquittal may bring harm to the inhabitants of the town but on the other hand think of the beneficial influence upon them of that faith in man a faith which does not remain dead you know it raises up generous feelings in us and always impels us to love and respect every man every man and that is important Mikhail Karlovich had finished my neighbor would have urged some objection but the head gardener made a gesture that signified that he did not like objections then he walked away to the carts and with an expression of dignity went on looking after the packing end of the head gardener's story by Anton Chekhov this recording is in the public domain so Sushant stepped late that night from the little shop near Fleet Street and made his way back again to his house in the ends of London and sent it once the message that brought Ali and Ali came, mostly on foot from the country of Persia and it took him a year to come but when he came he was welcome and Chek told Ali what was the matter with England and Sushant swore that it was so and Ali looking out of the window of the little shop near Fleet Street he asked King Solomon and his seal when Chek and Sushant heard the names of King Solomon and his seal both asked as they had scarcely dared before if Ali had it Ali padded a little bundle of silks that he drew from his interrainment it was there now concerning the movements and courses of the stars and the influence of them on the spirits of earth and devils this age has been rightly named by some the second age of ignorance but Ali knew and by watching nightly seven nights in Baghdad the way of certain stars he had found out the dwelling place of him they needed guided by Ali all three set forth for the Midlands and by the reverence that was manifest in the faces of Chek and Sushant towards the person of Ali some knew what Ali carried while others said that it was a tablets of the law others the name of God and others that he must have a lot of money about him so they passed Slod and Aptin and at last they came to the town for which Ali sought that spot over which he had seen the shy stars wheel and swerve away from their orbits being troubled verily when they came there were no stars though it was midnight and Ali said that it was the appointed place and harems in Persia in the evening when the tales go around it is still told how Ali and Chek and Sushant came to the black country when it was done they looked upon the country and saw how it was without doubt the appointed place for the earth had been taken out of pits and burned and left lying in heaps and there were many factories and they stood over the town that as it were rejoiced and with one voice Chek and Sushant gave praise to Ali and Ali said that the great ones of the place must needs be gathered together and to this end Chek and Sushant went into the town and there spoke craftily for they said that Ali had of his wisdom contrived as it were a patent and a novelty which should greatly benefit England and when they heard how he sought nothing for his novelty save only to benefit mankind they consented to speak with Ali and see his novelty and they came forth and met Ali and Ali spake and said unto them O lords of this place in the book that all men know it is written how that a fisherman casting his net into the sea drew up a bottle of brass and when he took the stopper from the bottle a dreadful genie of horrible aspect rose from the bottle as it were like a smoke even to darkening the sky where at the fisherman and the great ones of the place said we have heard this story and Ali said what became of that genie after he was safely thrown back into the sea is not properly spoken of by any save those that perused the study of demons and not with certainty by any man but that the stopper that bore the ineffable seal and bears it to this day became separate from the bottle is among those things that man may know and when there was doubt among the great ones Ali drew forth his bundle and one by one removed those many silks till the seal stood revealed and some of them knew it for the seal and others knew it not and they look curiously at it and listen to Ali and Ali said having heard how evil is the case of England how a smoke has darkened the country and in places as men say the grass is black and how even yet your factories multiply and haste and noise have become such that men have no time for song and therefore come at the bidding of my good friend Sushan, barber of London and of Shep, a maker of teeth to make things well with you and they said but where is your patent and your novelty and Ali said have I not hear the stopper and on it as good men know the ineffable seal now I have learned in Persia how that your trains make haste and hurry men to and fro and your factories and the digging of your pits and all things that are evil are every one of them caused and brought about by steam is it not so, says Sushan it is even so, said Shep now it is clear, said Ali that the chief devil that vexes England has done all this harm who herds the men into cities and will not let them rest is even the devil's steam then the great ones would have rebuked him but one said, no, let us hear him perhaps his patent may improve on steam and to them hearkening Ali went on thus oh lords of this place let there be made a bottle of strong steel for I have no bottle with my stopper and this being done let all the factories, trains, digging of pits and all evil things so ever that may be done by steam be stopped for seven days and the men that tend them shall go free but the steel bottle for my stopper I will leave open in a likely place now that chief devil's steam finding no factories to enter into nor trains, sirens, nor pits prepared for him and I shall send a custom to steel pots will verily enter one night into the bottle that you shall make for my stopper and I shall spring forth from my hiding with my stopper and fasten him down with the ineffable seal which is the seal of King Solomon and deliver him up to you that you cast him into the sea and the great ones answered Ali and they said but what should we gain if we lose our prosperity and be no longer rich and Ali said when we have cast this devil into the sea there will come back again the woods the ferns and all the beautiful things that the world have the little leaping hair shall be seen at play there shall be music on the hills again and that twilight is in quiet and after the twilight stars and verily said Shushan there shall be dance again I said Shep there shall be the country dance but the great ones spake and said denying Ali we will make no such bottle for your stopper nor stopper healthy factories are good trains nor cease from our digging of pits nor do anything that you desire for an interference with steam would strike at the roots of that prosperity that you see so plentifully all around us thus they dismissed Ali there and then from that place where the earth was torn up and burnt being taken out of pits and where factories blazed all night with a demonic glare and they dismissed with him both Shushan the barber and Shep the maker of teeth so that a week later Ali started from Calais on his long walk back to Persia and all this happened 30 years ago and Shep is an old man now and Shushan older and many mouths have bit with the teeth of Shep for he is a knack of getting them back whenever his customers die and they have written again to Ali away in the country of Persia with these words saying oh Ali the devil has indeed begotten the devil even that spirit petrol and the young devil waxeth and increase in lusthood and is ten years old and becoming like his father and help us with the ineffable seal for there is none like Ali and Ali turns where his slave scatter rose leaves letting the letter fall and deeply draws from his hookah a puff of scented smoke right down to his lungs and sighs it forth and smiles and lolling around on his other elbow speaks comfortably and says and shall a man go twice to the help of a dog and with these words he thinks no more of England but ponders again the inscrutable ways of God end of how Ali came to the black country The Mouse by Sackie this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recorded by Christopher Hart on May 18th 2008 in Ottawa, Ontario Canada The Mouse by Sackie Theodoric Voler had been brought up from infancy to the confines of middle age by a fond mother whose chief solicitude had been to keep him screened from what she called the coarser realities of life when she died she left Theodoric alone in a world that was as real as ever and a good deal closer than he considered it had any need to be to a man of his temperament and upbringing even a simple railway journey was crammed with petty annoyances and minor discords and as he settled himself down in a second class compartment one September morning he was conscious of ruffled feelings and general mental discomposure he had been staying at a country of courage the inmates of which had been certainly neither brutal nor bacchanalian but their supervision of the domestic establishment had been of that lax order which invites disaster the pony carriage that was to take him to the station had never been properly ordered and when the moment for his departure drew near the handyman who should have produced the required article was nowhere to be found in this emergency Theodoric to his mute but very intense disgust found himself obliged to collaborate with the vicar's daughter in the task of harnessing the pony which necessitated groping about in an ill-lighted outhouse called a stable very like one except in patches where it smelt of mice without being actually afraid of mice Theodoric classed them among the coarser incidents of life and considered that providence with a little exercise of moral courage might long ago have recognized that they were not indispensable and have withdrawn them from circulation as the train glided out of the station Theodoric's nervous imagination accused himself of exhaling a weak odor of stable yard possibly of displaying moldy straw or two on his usually well-brushed garments fortunately the only other occupant of the compartment a lady of about the same ages himself seemed inclined for slumber rather than scrutiny the train was not due to stop till the terminus was reached in about an hour's time and the carriage was of the old-fashioned sort that held no communication with the corridor therefore no further traveling companions were likely to intrude on Theodoric's semi-privacy and yet the train had scarcely attained its normal speed before he became reluctantly but vividly aware that he was not alone with the slumbering lady he was not even alone in his own clothes a warm creeping movement over his flesh betrayed the unwelcome and highly resented presence unseen but poignant of a strayed mouse that had evidently dashed into its present retreat during the episode of the pony harnessing furtive stamps and shakes and wildly directed pinches failed to dislodge the intruder whose moto indeed seemed to be excelsior and the lawful document of the clothes laid back against the cushions and endeavored rapidly to evolve some means for putting an end to the dual ownership it was unthinkable that he should continue for the space of a whole hour in the horrible position of a routen house for beggared mice already his imagination had at least doubled the numbers of the alien invasion on the other hand nothing less drastic than partial disrobing would ease him of his tormentor and to entrust in the presence of a lady even for so laudable purpose was an idea that made his ear tips tingle in a blush of abject shame he had never been able to bring himself even to the mild exposure of open work socks in the presence of the fair sex and yet the lady in this case was to all appearances soundly and securely asleep the mouse on the other hand seemed to be trying to crowd a wander's yard into a few strenuous minutes if there is any truth in the theory of transmigration this particular mouse must certainly have been in a former state a member of the alpine club sometimes in its eagerness it lost its footing and slipped for half an inch or so and then in fright or more probably temper it bit Theodoric was goaded into the most audacious undertaking of his life crimsoning to the hue of a beet root and keeping an agonized watch on his slumbering fellow traveler he swiftly and noiselessly secured the ends of his railway rug to the racks on either side of the carriage so that a substantial curtain hung thwart the compartment in the narrow dressing room that he had thus improvised he proceeded with violent haste to extricate himself partially and the mouse entirely from the surrounding casings tweed in half wool as the unraveled mouse gave a wild leap to the floor the rug, slipping its fastening at either end also came down with a heart-curdling flop and almost simultaneously the awakened sleeper opened her eyes with a movement almost quicker than the mouse's Theodoric pounced on the rug and hauled its ample fold chin-high over his dismantled person as he collapsed into the further corner of the carriage the blood raced and beat in the veins of his neck and forehead while he waited dumbly for the communication cord to be pulled the lady however herself at the silent stare at her strangely muffled companion how much had she seen Theodoric queried to himself and in any case what on earth much he think of his present posture I think I have caught a chill he ventured desperately really I'm sorry she replied I was just going to ask you if you would open this window I fancy its malaria he added his teeth chattering slightly as much from fright as from a desire to support his theory I've got some brandy in my hold all down for me said his companion not for worlds I mean I never take anything for it he assured her earnestly I suppose you caught it in the tropics Theodoric whose acquaintance with the tropics was limited to an annual present of a chest of tea from an uncle in Ceylon felt that even the malaria was slipping from him would it be possible he wondered to disclose the real state of affairs to her in small installments are you afraid of mice he ventured growing if possible more scarlet in the face not unless they came in quantities like those that ate a bishop hathow what do you ask I had one crawling inside my clothes just now said Theodoric in a voice that hardly seemed to sown it was a most awkward situation it must have been if you wear your clothes at all tight she observed but mice have strange ideas of comfort I had to get rid of it while you were asleep he continued then with a gulp he added it was getting rid of it that brought me to to this surely leaving off one small mouse wouldn't bring on a chill she exclaimed with a levity that Theodoric accounted abominable evidently she had detected something of his predicament and was enjoying his confusion all the blood in his body seemed to have mobilized in one concentrated blush and an agony of a basement worse than a myriad mice crept up and down over his soul and then as reflection began to assert itself sheer terror took the place of humiliation with every minute that passed the train was rushing near to the crowded and bustling terminus where dozens of prying eyes would be exchanged for the one paralyzing pair that watched him from the further corner of the carriage there was one slender despairing chance which the next few minutes must decide his fellow traveler might relapse into a blessed slumber but as the minutes throb by that chance ebbed away the furtive glance which Theodoric stole at her from time to time disclosed only an unwinking wakefulness I think we must be getting near now she presently observed Theodoric had already noted with growing terror the recurring stacks of small ugly dwellings that heralded the journey's end the words acted as a signal like a hunted beast breaking cover and dashing madly towards some other haven of momentary safety threw aside his rug and struggled frantically into his disheveled garments he was conscious of dull suburban stations racing past the window of a choking, hammering sensation in his throat and heart and of an icy silence in that corner towards which he dared not look then as he sank back in his seat clothed and almost delirious the train slowed down to a final crawl and the women spoke would you be so kind? she asked asked to get me a porter to put me into a cab it's a shame to trouble you when you're feeling unwell the line makes one so helpless at a railway station end of The Mouse by Sackie the one million pound banknote by Mark Twain this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Peter David Smith the one million pound banknote by Mark Twain when I was 27 years old I was a mining broker's clerk in San Francisco and an expert on all the details of stock traffic I was alone in the world and had nothing to depend upon but my wits and a clean reputation but these were setting my feet in the road to eventual fortune and I was content with the prospect my time was my own after the afternoon board and I was accustomed to put it in on a little sailboat on the bay one day I ventured too far and was carried out to sea just at nightfall when hope was about gone I was picked up by a small bridge which was bound for London it was a long and stormy voyage and they made me work my passage without pay as a common sailor when I stepped ashore in London my clothes were ragged and shabby and I had only a dollar in my pocket this money fed and sheltered me 24 hours during the next 24 I went without food and shelter about 10 o'clock on the following morning seedy and hungry I was dragging myself along Portland place when a child that was passing towed by a nursemaid tossed a luscious big pair minus one bite the other I stopped of course and fastened my desiring eye on that muddy treasure my mouth watered for it my stomach craved it my whole being begged for it but every time I made a move to get it some passing eye detected my purpose and of course I straightened up then and looked indifferent and pretended I hadn't been thinking about the pair at all this same thing kept happening and I couldn't get the pair I was just getting desperate enough to brave all the shame and to seize it when a window behind me was raised and a gentleman spoke out of it saying step in here please I was admitted by a gorgeous flunky and shone into a sumptuous room where a couple of elderly gentlemen were sitting they sent away the servant and made me sit down they had just finished their breakfast and the sight of the remains of it almost overpowered me I could hardly keep my wits together in the presence of that food but as I was not asked to sample it I had to bear my trouble as best I could now something had been happening there a little before which I did not know anything about until a good many days afterwards but I will tell you about it now those two old brothers had been having a pretty hard argument a couple of days before and had ended by agreeing to decide it by a bet which is the English way of settling everything you will remember that the Bank of England once issued two notes of a million pounds each to be used for a special purpose connected with some public transaction with a foreign country for some reason or other only one of those had been used and cancelled the other still lay in the vaults of the bank while the brothers chatting along happened to get to wondering what might be the fate of a perfectly honest and intelligent stranger who should be turned adrift in London without a friend and with no money but that million pound bank note and no way to account for his being in possession of it brother A said he would starve to death brother B said he wouldn't brother A said he couldn't offer it at a bank or anywhere else because he would be arrested on the spot so they went on disputing till brother B said he would bet 20,000 pounds that the man would live 30 days anyway on that million and keep out of jail too brother A took him up brother B went down to the bank and bought that note just like an Englishman you see pluck to the backbone then he dictated a letter which one of his clerks wrote out in a beautiful round hand and then the two brothers sat at the window a whole day watching for the right man to give it to they saw many honest faces go by that were not intelligent enough many that were intelligent but not honest enough many that were both but the possessors were not poor enough or if poor enough were not strangers there was always a defect until I came along but they agreed that I filled the bill all around so they elected me unanimously and there I was now waiting to know why I was called in they began to ask me questions about myself and pretty soon they had my story finally they told me I would answer this I said I was sincerely glad and asked what it was then one of them handed me an envelope and said I would find the explanation inside I was going to open it but he said no take it to my lodgings and look it over carefully and not be hasty or rash I was puzzled and wanted to discuss the matter a little further but they didn't so I took my leave feeling hurt but of what was apparently some kind of a practical joke and yet obliged to put up with it not being in circumstances to resent the fronts from rich and strong folk I would have picked up the pear now and eaten it before all the world but it was gone so I had lost that by this unlucky business and the thought of it did not soften my feeling towards those men as soon as I was out of sight of that house I opened my envelope and saw that it contained money my opinion of those people changed I can tell you I lost not a moment but shoved note and money into my best pocket and broke for the nearest cheap eating house well, how I did eat when at last I couldn't hold any more I took out my money and unfolded it took one glimpse and nearly fainted five millions of dollars well, I made my head swim I must have sat there stunned and blinking at the note as much as a minute before I came rightly to myself again the first thing I noticed then was the landlord his eye was on the note and he was petrified he was worshiping his body and soul but he looked as if he couldn't stir hand or foot I took my cue in a moment and did the only rational thing there was to do I reached the note towards him and said carelessly give me the change please then he was restored to his normal condition and made a thousand apologies for not being able to break the bill and I couldn't get him to touch it he wanted to look at it and keep on looking at it he couldn't seem to get enough of it to quench the thirst of his eye but he shrank from touching it as if it had been something too sacred for poor common clay to handle I said, I am sorry if it's an inconvenience but I must insist please change it I haven't anything else but he said that wasn't any matter he was quite willing to try to stand over until another time I said I might not be in his neighborhood again for a good while but he said it was of no consequence he could wait and moreover I could have anything I wanted any time I chose and let the account run as long as I pleased he said he hoped he wasn't afraid to trust as rich a gentleman as I was merely because I was of a merry disposition and chose to play locks on the public in the matter of dress by this time another customer was entering and the landlord hinted to me to put the monster out of sight then he bowed me all the way to the door and I started straight for that house and those brothers to correct the mistake which had been made before the police should hunt me up and help me do it I was pretty nervous in fact pretty badly frightened though of course I was no way in fault but I knew men well enough to know that when they find they've given a tramp a million pound bill when they thought it was a one pounder they are in a frantic rage against him instead of quarreling with their own nearsightedness as they ought as I approached the house my excitement began to abate for all was quiet there which made me feel pretty sure the blunder was not discovered yet I rang the same servant appeared I asked for those gentlemen they are gone this in the lofty cold way of that fellow's tribe gone gone where on a journey but whereabouts to the continent I think the continent yes sir which way by what route I can't say sir when will they be back in a month they said a month oh this is awful give me some sort of idea how to get a word to them it's of the last importance I can't sir I have no idea where they've gone sir then I must see some member of the family families away too been abroad months in Egypt and India I think man there's been an immense mistake made they'll be back before night will you tell them I've been here and that I will keep coming till it's all made right and they needn't be afraid I'll tell them if they come back but I am not expecting them they said you would be here in an hour to make inquiries but I must tell you it's all right I'm here on time and expect you so I had to give it up and go away what a riddle it all was I was like to lose my mind they would be here on time what could that mean oh the letter would explain maybe I've forgotten the letter I got it out and read it this is what it said you are an intelligent and honest man as one may see by your face we can see you to be poor and a stranger in closed you will find a sum of money it is lent to you for 30 days without interest reported this house at the end of that time I have a bet on you if I win it you shall have any situation that is in my gift any that is that you shall be able to prove yourself familiar with and competent to fill no signature no address no date well here was a coil to be in you are posted on what had preceded all this but I was not it was just a deep dark puzzle to me I hadn't the least idea what the game was nor whether harm was meant to me or a kindness I went into a park and sat down and tried to think it out and to consider what I had best do at the end of an hour my reasoning had crystallized into this verdict maybe those men mean me well maybe they mean me ill no way to decide that let it go they've got a game or a scheme or an experiment of some kind on hand no way to determine what it is let it go that disposes of the indeterminable quantities the remainder of the matter is tangible, solid and maybe classed and labeled with certainty if I ask the Bank of England to place this bill to the credit of the man it belongs to they'll do it for they know him although I don't but they will ask me how I came in possession of it and if I tell the truth they'll put me in the asylum naturally and a lie will land me in jail the same result would fall if I tried to bank the bill anywhere or to borrow money on it I have got to carry this immense burden around until those men come back whether I want to or not it is useless to me as useless as a handful of ashes and yet I must take care of it and watch over it while I beg my living I couldn't give it away if I should try for neither honest citizen nor highwayman would accept it or meddle with it for anything those brothers is safe even if I lose their bill or burn it they are still safe because they can stop payment and the bank will make them whole but meantime I've got to do a month's suffering without wages or profit unless I help win that bet whatever it may be and get that situation that I have promised I should like to get that men of their sort have situations in their gift that are worth having I got to think in a good deal about that situation my hopes began to rise high without doubt the salary would be large it would begin in a month after that I should be alright pretty soon I was feeling first rate by this time I was tramping the streets again the sight of a tailor shop gave me a sharp longing to shed my rags and to clothe myself decently once more could I afford it? no I had nothing in the world but a million pounds so I forced myself to go on by but soon I was drifting back again the temptation that executed me cruelly I must have passed that shop back and forth six times during that manful struggle at last I gave in I had to I asked if they had a misfit suit that had been thrown on their hands the fellow I spoke to nodded his head towards another fellow and gave me no answer I went to the indicated fellow and he indicated another fellow with his head and no words surprisingly I waited till he was done with what he was at then he took me into a back room and overhauled a pile of rejected suits and selected the radiest one for me I put it on it didn't fit and wasn't in any way attractive but it was new and I was anxious to have it so I didn't find any fault but I said with some diffidence it would be an accommodation to me if you could wait some days for the money I haven't any small change about me the fellow worked up a most sarcastic expression of countenance and said well of course I didn't expect it I'd only expect gentlemen like you to carry large change I was nettle and said my friend you shouldn't judge a stranger always by the clothes he wears I am quite able to pay for this suit I simply didn't wish to put you to the trouble of changing a large note he modified his style a little of that and said though still with something of an air I didn't mean any particular harm but as long as rebukes are going I might say it wasn't quite your affair to jump to the conclusion that we couldn't change any note you might happen to be carrying around on the contrary we can't handed the note to him and said oh very well I apologize he received it with a smile one of those large smiles which goes all around over and has folds in it and wrinkles spirals and looks like the place where you've thrown a brick in the pond and then in the act of his taking a glimpse of the bill this smile froze solid and turned yellow and looked like those wavy, wormy spreads of lava you find hardened little levels on the side of Vesuvius I never before saw a smile caught like that and perpetuated the man stood there holding the bill and looking like that and the proprietor hustled up to see what was the matter and said briskly well, what's up what's the trouble, what's wanting I said any trouble I'm waiting for my change come come, get him his change Todd, get him his change Todd retorted get him his change it's easy to say sir but look at the bill yourself the proprietor took a look gave a low eloquent whistle and then made a dive for the pile of rejected clothing and began to turn that talking all the time excitedly and as if to himself sell an eccentric millionaire such an unspeakable suit as that Todd's a fool a born fool always doing something like this drives every millionaire away from the place because he can't tell a millionaire from a trap and never could ah, there's the thing I'm after please get those things off sir and throw them in the fire do me the favor to put on this shirt it's just the thing the very thing plain, rich, modest and just dukely knobby made to order for a prince you may know him sir his serene highness the hospedire of Halifax had to leave it with us and take a morning suit because his mother was going to die which she didn't but that's all right we can't always have things the way we that is the way they there, clouds all right they fit you to a charm sir now the waistcoat, ah ha right again now the coat look at that now perfect, the whole thing I never saw such a triumph in all my experience I express my satisfaction quite right sir quite right it'll do for a makeshift I'm bound to say but wait till you see what we'll get up for you on your own measure come Todd, look and pen get at it length of leg 32 and so on before I could get in a word he had measured me and was giving orders for dress suits, morning suits, shirts and all sorts of things when I got a chance I said but my dear sir I can't give these orders unless you can wait indefinitely or change the bill indefinitely, it's a weak word sir a weak word, eternally that's the word sir don't rush these things through and send them to the gentleman's address without any waste of time let the minor customers wait sit down at the gentleman's address and I'm changing my quarters I will drop in and leave the new address quite right sir, quite right one moment, let me show you out sir there, good day sir, good day well don't you see what was bound to happen I drifted naturally into buying whatever I wanted looking for change within a week I was sumptuously equipped with all needful comforts and luxuries and was housed in an expensive private hotel in Hanover Square I took my dinners there but for breakfast I stuck by Harris's humble feeding house where I'd got my first meal on my million pound bill I was the making of Harris the fact had gone all abroad that the foreign crank who carried million pound bills in his vest pocket the patron saint of the place that was enough from being a poor, struggling little hand to mouth enterprise it had become celebrated and overcrowded with customers Harris was so grateful that he forced loans upon me and would not be denied and so pauper as I was I had money to spend and was living like the rich and the great I judged that there was going to be a crash by and by but I was in now and must swim across or drown you see there was just that element of impending disaster to give a serious side a sober side yes a tragic side to a state of things which would otherwise have been purely ridiculous in the night in the dark the tragedy part was always to the front and always warning always threatening sleep was hard to find but in the cheerful daylight the tragedy element faded out and disappeared and I walked on air and was happy to giddiness to intoxication you may say and it was natural for I had become one of the notorieties of the metropolis of the world and it turned my head not just a little but a good deal you could not take up a newspaper English, Scotch or Irish without finding in it one or more references to the best pocket million pounder and his latest doings and sayings at first in these mentions I was at the bottom of the personal gossip column next I was listed above the nights next above the baronettes next above the barons and so on and so on climbing steadily as my notoriety augmented until I reached the highest altitude possible and there I remained taking precedences of all dukes not royal and of all ecclesiastics except the primate of all England but mind this was not fame as yet I had achieved only notoriety then came the climaxing stroke the accolade so to speak which in a single instance transmuted the perishable dross of notoriety into the enduring gold of fame punch caricatured me yes I was a made man now my place was established I might be joked about still but reverently not be lairiously not rudely I could be smiled at but not laughed at the time for that had gone by punch pictured me all a flutter with rags dickering with a beef eater for the tower of wonder well you can imagine how it was with a young fellow who had never been taken notice of before and now all of a sudden couldn't say a thing that wasn't taken up and repeated everywhere couldn't stir abroad without constantly looking from lip to lip there he goes that's him couldn't take his breakfast without a crowd to look on couldn't appear in an opera box without concentrating there the fire of a thousand log nets while I just swam in glory all day long that's the amount of it you know I even kept my old suit of rags and every now and then appeared in them so as to have the old pleasure of buying trifles and then shooting the scarf of debt with a million pound bill but I couldn't keep that up the illustrated papers made the outfit so familiar that when I went out in it I was at once recognized and followed by a crowd and if I attempted to purchase the man would offer me his whole shop on credit before I could pull my note on him about the tenth day of my fame I went to fulfill my duty to my flag by paying my respects to the American minister he received me with the enthusiasm proper in my case upgraded me for being so tardy in my duty and said that there was only one way to get his forgiveness and that was to take the seat at his dinner party that night made vacant by the illness of one of his guests I said I would and we got to talk it turned out that he and my father had been schoolmates in boyhood Yale students together later and always warm friends up to my father's death so then he required me to put in at his house all the odd time I might have to spare I was very willing of course in fact I was more than willing I was glad when the crash should come he might somehow be able to save me from total destruction I didn't know how but he might think of a way maybe I couldn't venture to wasn't myself to him at this late date a thing which I would have been quick to do in the beginning of this awful career of mine in London no I couldn't venture it now I was in too deep that it's too deep for me to be risking revelations to so new a friend though not clear beyond my depth as I looked at it because you see with all my borrowing I was carefully keeping within my means I mean within my salary of course I couldn't know what it was going to be but I had a good enough basis for an estimate in the fact that if I won the bet I was to have choice of any situation that was in that rich old gentleman's gift provided I was confident and I should certainly prove confident I hadn't any doubt about that and as to the bet I wasn't worrying about that I had always been lucky now my estimate of the salary was 600 to a thousand a year only 600 for the first year and so on up year by year till I struck the upper figure by proved merit at present I was only in debt for my first year's salary everybody had been trying to lend me money but I had fought off the most of them on one pretext or another so this indebtedness represented only 300 pounds borrowed money the other 300 pounds represented my keep and my purchases I believed my second year's salary would bring me through the rest of the month if I went on being cautious and economical and I intended to look sharply out for that my month ended my employer back from his journey I should be all right once more for I should at once divide the two year's salary among my creditors by assignment and get right down to my work it was a lovely dinner party of 14 the Duke and Duchess of Shoreditch and their daughter the Lady Anne Grace Eleanor Celeste and so forth and so forth the Bohun the Earl and Countess of Newgate Viscount Cheapside Lord and Lady Blaverskyte some untitled people of both sexes the minister and his wife and daughter and his daughter's visiting friend an English girl of 22 named Portia Langham whom I fell in love with in two minutes and she with me I could see that without glasses there was still another guest an American but I'm a little ahead of my story while the people were still in the drawing room wedding up for dinner and coldly inspecting the latecomers the servant announced Mr. Lloyd Hastings the moment the usual civilians were over Hastings caught sight of me and came straight with cordially outstretched hand then stopped short when about to shake embarrassed look I beg your pardon sir I thought I knew you well you do know me old fellow no are you the the best pocket monster I am indeed don't be afraid to call me by my nickname I'm used to it well well this is a surprise once or twice I've seen your own name coupled with the nickname but it never occurred to me that you could be the Henry Adams referred to why it isn't six months since you were clerking away for Blake Hopkins in Frisco on a salary and sitting up nights on an extra allowance helping me arrange and verify golden curry extension papers and statistics the idea of your being in London and a vast millionaire and a colossal celebrity why it's the Arabian nights come again man I can't take it in at all can't realize it give me time to settle the whirl in my head fact is Lloyd you are no worse off than I am I can't realize it myself dear me it is stunning now isn't it why it's just three months today since we went to the miners restaurant no the what cheer right, right it was the what cheer went there a two in the morning and had a chop and coffee after a hard six hours grind over those extension papers and I tried to persuade you to come to London with me and offered to get leave of absence for you and pay all your expenses and give you something over you didn't make in the sale and you would not listen to me said I wouldn't succeed and you couldn't afford to lose the run of business and be no end of time getting the hang of things again when you got back home and yet here you are how odd it all is how did you happen to come what if it did give you this incredible start oh just an accident it's a long story a romance a body might say I'll tell you all about it but not now when the end of the month that's more than a fortnight yet it's too much of a strain on a person's curiosity make it a week I can't you'll know why by and by but how's the trade getting along his cheerfulness vanished and he said with a sigh you were a true prophet Hal a true prophet I wish I hadn't come I don't want to talk about it but you must you must come and stop with me tonight when we leave here and tell me all about it oh may I are you an earnest and the water showed in his eyes yes I want to hear the whole story every word I'm so grateful just to find a human interest once more in some voice and in some eye and me and affairs of mine after what I've been through here Lord I could go down on my knees for it he gripped my hand hard embraced up and was all right and lively after that for the dinner which didn't come off no the usual thing happened the thing that is always happening under that vicious and aggravating English system the matter of precedence he settled and so there was no dinner Englishmen always eat dinner before they go out to dinner because they know the risks they are running but nobody ever warns the stranger and so he walks placidly into the trap of course nobody was hurt this time because we had all been to dinner and none of us being novices except Hastings and he having been informed by the minister at the time that he invited him that in deference to the English custom he had not provided any dinner everybody took a lady in procession down to the dining room because it is usual to go through the motions but there the dispute began the Duke of Shoreditch wanted to take precedence and sit at the head of the table holding that he outranked a minister who represented merely a nation and not a monarch but I stood for my rights and refused to yield in the gossip column I ranked all Dukes not Royal and said so and claimed precedence of this one it couldn't be settled of course struggle as we might and did he finally and in judiciously trying to play birth and antiquity and I seeing his conqueror and raising him with Adam whose direct posterity I was as shown by my name while he was of a collateral branch as shown by his and his recent Norman origin so we all procession back to the drawing room again and had a perpendicular lunch plate of sardines and a strawberry and you group yourself and stand up and eat it here the religion of precedence is not so strenuous the two persons of highest rank chuck up a shilling and the one that wins has first go at his strawberry the shilling the next two chuck up and then the next two and so on after refreshment tables were brought and we all played cribbage six months a game the English never play any game for amusement if they can't make something or lose something they don't care which they won't play we had a lovely time certainly two of us had Miss Langham and I I was so bewitched with her that I couldn't count my hands if they went above a double sequence and when I struck home I never discovered it and started up the outside row again and would have lost the game every time only the girl did the same she being in just my condition you see and consequently neither of us ever got out or cared to wonder why we didn't we only just knew we were happy and didn't wish to know anything else and didn't want to be interrupted and I told her I did indeed told her I loved her and she well she brushed her hair turn red but she liked it she said she did oh there was never such an evening every time I pegged I put on a post script every time she pegged she acknowledged receipt of it counting the hands the same why I couldn't even say two for his heels without adding my how sweet you do look and she would say fifteen two fifteen four fifteen six and a pair or eight and eight or sixteen do you think so weeping out a slant from under her lashes you know so sweet and cunning oh it was just two two well I was perfectly honest and square with her I told her I hadn't sent in the world but just a million pound note she'd heard so much about and it didn't belong to me and that started her curiosity and then I talked low and told her the whole history right from the start and it nearly killed her laughing what in the nation she could find to laugh about I couldn't see but there it was every half minute some new detail would fetch her and I would have to stop as much as a minute and a half to give her a chance to settle down again why she laughed herself lame she did indeed I never saw her anything like it I mean I never saw a painful story a story of a man's troubles and worries and fears produced just that kind of effect before so I loved her all the more seeing she could be cheerful when there wasn't anything to be cheerful about for I might soon need that kind of a wife you know the way things looked of course I told her we should have to wait a couple of years till I could catch up on my salary to remind that only she hoped I would be as careful as possible in the matter of expenses and not let them run the least risk of trenching on our third year's pay then she began to get a little worried and wondered if we were making any mistake and starting the salary on a higher figure for the first year than I would get this was good sense and it made me feel a little less confident than I had been feeling before but it gave me a good business idea and I brought it frankly out for sure dear would you mind going with me that day when I confront those old gentlemen she shrank a little but said no if my being with you would help harden you but would it be quite proper do you think no I don't know that it would in fact I'm afraid it wouldn't but you see there's so much dependent upon it that I'll go anyway proper or improper she said with a beautiful and generous enthusiasm oh I should be so happy to think I'm helping helping dear why y'all be doing it all you're so beautiful so lovely and so winning that with you there I can pile that salary up till I break those good old fellows and they'll never have the heart to struggle you should have seen the rich blood mount happy eyes shine you wicked flatterer there isn't a word of truth in what you say but I'll still go with you maybe it will teach you not to expect other people to look with your eyes were my doubts dissipated was my confidence restored you may judge by this fact privately I raised my salary to 1200 the first year on the spot but I didn't tell her I saved it for a surprise all the way home I was in the clouds Hastings talking I not hearing a word when he and I ended my parlor he brought me to myself with his firmened appreciations of my manifold comforts and luxuries let me just stand here a little and look my fill dear me it's a palace it's just a palace and in it everything a body could desire including cozy cold fire and supper standing ready Henry it doesn't merely make me realize how rich you are it makes me realize to the bone to the marrow how poor I am how poor I am and how miserable how defeated routed annihilated plague take it this language gave me the cold shutters it scared me brought awake and made me comprehend that I was standing on a half inch crust with a crater beneath I didn't know I had been dreaming that is I hadn't been allowing myself to know it for a while back but now oh dear deep in debt not a cent in the world a lovely girl's happiness or woe in my hands and nothing in front of me but a salary which might never or would never materialize oh oh oh ruined past hope nothing can save me Henry the mere unconsidered drippings of your daily income with oh my daily income here down with this hot scotch and cheer up your soul here's with you or no you hungry sit down not a bite for me I'm past it I can't eat these days but I'll drink with you till I drop come barrel for barrel I'm with you ready here we go now in Lloyd unreal your story while I brew unreal it what a game again again what do you mean by that why I mean do you want to hear it over again do I want to hear it over again this is a puzzler wait don't take any more of that liquid you don't need it look here Henry you alarm me didn't I tell you the whole story on the way here you yes I I'll be hanged if I heard a word of it Henry this is a serious thing it troubles me what did you take up yonder of the ministers then it all flashed on me and I owned up like a man I took the dearest girl in this world prisoner so then he came with a rush and we shook and shook and shook till our hands ached and he didn't blame me for not having heard a word of a story which had lasted while we walked three miles he just sat down then like the patient good fall he was and told it all over again synopsis did amounted to this he had come to England with what he thought was a grand opportunity he had an option to sell the golden curry extension for the locators of it and keep all he could get over a million dollars he had worked hard and pulled every wire he knew of had left no honest expedient untried had spent nearly all the money he had in the world had not been able to get a solitary capitalist to listen to him and his option would run out at the end of the month in a word he was ruined then he jumped up and tried out Henry you can save me you can save me and you're the only man in the universe that can will you do it won't you do it tell me how speak out my boy give me a million of my passage home for my option don't don't refuse I was in kind of an agony I was right on the point of coming out with the words Lloyd I'm a pauper myself absolutely panulus and in death but a white hot idea came flaming through my head and I gripped my drawers together and calmed myself down till I was as cold as a capitalist then I said in a commercial and self-possessed way I will save you Lloyd then I'm already saved could God be merciful to you forever if ever I let me finish Lloyd I will save you but not in that way for that would not be fair to you after all your hard work and the risks you've run I don't need to buy mines I can keep my capital moving in a commercial centre like London without that it's what I'm at all the time but here is what I'll do I know I'm all about that mine of course I know it's immense value and can swear to it if anybody wishes it you should sell out inside of the fortnight for three millions cash using my name freely and we'll divide share and share a lot do you know he would have danced a furniture to kindling wood in his insane joy and broken everything in the place if I hadn't tripped him up and tied him then he lay there perfectly happy saying I may use your name your name think of it man they'll flock in droves these rich Londoners they'll fight for that stock I'm a made man I'm a made man forever and I'll never forget you as long as I live in less than 24 hours London was a buzz I hadn't anything to do day after day but sit at home and say to all comers yes I told him to refer to me I know the man and I know the mine his character is above reproach and the mine is worth far more than he asks for it meantime I spent all my evenings at the ministers with Porsche I didn't say a word to her about the mine I saved it for a surprise we talked salary never anything but salary and love sometimes love sometimes salary love and salary together and mine the interest the ministers wife and daughter took in our little affair and the endless ingenuities they invented to save us from interruption and to keep the minister in the dark and unsuspicious well it was just lovely when the month was up at last I had a million dollars to my credit in the London and County bank and hastings was fixed in the same way dressed at my level best I drove by the house in Portland place judged by the look of things that my birds were home again went on towards the ministers and got my precious and we started back talking salary with all our might she was so excited and anxious that it made her just intolerably beautiful I said dearie the way you're looking it's a crime to strike for salary a single penny under three thousand a year Henry Henry you ruin us don't be afraid just keep up those looks and trust me it'll all come out right so as it turned out I had to keep bolstering up her courage all the way she kept fleeting with me saying and please remember that if we ask for too much we may get no salary at all and then what become of us with no way in the world to earn our living we were ushered in by that same servant and there they were the two old gentlemen of course they were surprised to see that wonderful creature with me but I said all right gentlemen she is my future stay and helpmate and I introduced them to her and called them by name it didn't surprise them they knew I would know enough to consult the directory they seated us and were very polite to me and very solicitous to relieve her from embarrassment and put her as much at ease as they could then I said gentlemen I am ready to report we are glad to hear it said my man for now we can decide the bet which my brother Abel and I made if you have won for me you should have any situation in my gift have you a million pound note there it is sir I handed it to him I've won he shouted and slapped Abel on the back hey brother I say he did survive and I've lost 20,000 pounds I would never have believed it I have a further report to make I said and a pretty wrong one how would you let me come soon and detail my whole month's history and I promise and I promise you it's worth hearing meantime take a look at that what man certificate of deposit for 200,000 pounds is it yours mine I earned it by 30 days judicious use of that little loan you let me have and the only use I made of it was to buy trifles and offer the bell in change come this is astonishing it's incredible man never mind I'll prove it don't take my word unsupported but now Portia's turn was come to be surprised her eyes were spread wide and she said Henry is that really your money have you been fibbing to me I have indeed dearie but you'll forgive me I know she put up an arch pal and said don't you be so sure you are a naughty thing to deceive me sir so you'll get over it sweetheart you'll get over it it was only fun you know come let's be going but wait wait the situation you know I want to give you the situation said my man well I said I'm just as grateful as I can be but I really don't want one but you can have the choicest one in my gift thanks again with all my heart but I don't even want that one Henry I'm ashamed of you you don't half thanks a good gentleman may I do it for you indeed you shall dear if you can improve it let us see you try she walked to my man got up in his lap put her arm around his neck and kissed him right on the mouth then the two old gentlemen shouted with laughter but I was dumbfounded just petrified as you may say Portia said papa he has said you having the situation in your gift that he'd take and I feel just as hurt as my darling is that your papa yes he's my step papa and the dearest one that ever was you understand now don't you why I was able to laugh when you told me at the ministers not knowing my relationships what trouble and worry papa's and uncle Abel's scheme was giving you of course I spoke right up now without any fooling I went straight to the point oh my dearest dearest sir I want to take back what I said you have got a situation open that I want name it son-in-law but you know if you haven't ever served in that capacity you of course can't furnish recommendations of a sort to satisfy the conditions of the contract and so try me oh do I beg you only just try me for 30 or 40 years and if oh well alright it's but a little thing to ask take her along happy we two there are not words enough in the unabridged to describe it and when London got the whole history a day or two later of my months adventures with that bank note and how they ended did London talk and have a good time? yes my Porsche's Papa took that friendly and hospitable bill back to the Bank of England and cashed it and then the bank cancelled it and made him a present of it and he gave it to us at our wedding and it was a look and it has always hung in its frame in the sacredest place in our home ever since for it gave me my Porsche but for it I could not have remained in London would not have appeared at the ministers should never have met her and so I always say yes it's a million pounder as you see but it never made but one purchase in its life and then got the article for only about a tenth of its value end of the million pound bank note by Mark Twain recording by Peter David Smith www.artmovingon.blogspot.com The Pensioner by William Cain this is a LibriFox recording all LibriFox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriFox.org recording by Anna Seymum The Pensioner by William Cain Miss Crue was born in the year 1821 she received a sort of education and at the age of 20 became the governess of a little girl eight years old called Martha Bond she was Martha's governess for the next ten years then Martha came out and Miss Crue went to be the governess of somebody else Martha married Mr William Harper a year later she gave birth to a son who was named Edward this brings us to the year 1853 when Edward was six Miss Crue came back to be his governess four years later he went to school and Miss Crue went away to be the governess of somebody else she was now 42 years old 12 years passed and Mrs Harper died recommending Miss Crue to her husband's care she had recently been smitten by an incurable disease which made it impossible for her to be a governess any longer Mr Harper who had passionately loved his wife gave instructions to her solicitor to pay Miss Crue the sum of 150 pounds annually he had some thoughts of buying her an annuity but she seemed so ill that he didn't Edward was now 22 in the year 1888 Mr Harper died after a very short illness he expected Miss Crue to die any day during the past 13 years but since she hadn't he thought it proper now to recommend her to Edward's care this is how he did it that confounded old Crue Eddie he'll have to see to her that her ever money is before but for the Lord's sake don't go and buy her an annuity now if you do she'll die on her hands in a week shortly afterwards the old gentleman passed away Edward was now 35 Miss Crue was 67 and reported to be in an almost desperate state Edward followed his father's advice he bought no annuity for Miss Crue her 150 pounds continued to be paid each year into her bank but by Edward not by his late father's solicitors Edward had his own ideas of managing the considerable fortune which he had inherited these ideas were unsound the first of them was that he should assume the entire direction of his own affairs accordingly he instructed his solicitors to realize all the mortgages and railway stock and other admirable securities in which his money was invested and hand over the cash to him he then went in for the highest rate of interest which anyone would promise him the consequence was that within 12 years he was almost a poor man his annual income having dwindled from about 3,000 to about 400 pounds though he was a fool he was an honorable man and so he continued to pay Miss Crue her 150 pounds each year this left him about 250 for himself the capital which his so reduced income represented was invested in a Mexican brewery in which he had implicit faith nevertheless he began to think that he might do well were he to try to earn a little extra money the only thing he could do was to paint, not at all well in watercolors he became the pupil quite seriously of a young artist whom he knew he was now 47 years old while Miss Crue was 79 the year was 1900 to everybody's amazement Edward soon began to make quite good progress in his painting yes, his pictures were not at all unpleasant little things he sent one of them to the academy it was accepted, it was as I live sold for 10 pounds Edward was an artist soon he was making between 30 and 40 pounds a year then he was making over 100 then 200 then the Mexican brewery failed General Malafico having burned it to the ground for a lark this happened in the spring of 1914 when Edward was 61 and Miss Crue was 93 Edward after paying her money to Miss Crue might flutter himself on the possibility of having some 50 pounds a year for himself that is to say if his picture sales did not decline a single man can however get along more or less on 50 pounds more or less then the great war broke out it has been said that in the autumn of 1914 the old man came into their kingdom as the fields of Britain were gradually stripped bare of their valid toilets the fathers of each village assumed at good wages the burden of agriculture from their offices the juniors departed or were torn the senior clerks carried on desperately until the girls were introduced no man was any longer too old at 40 octogenarians could command a salary the very cinemas were glad to dress up ancient fellows in uniform and post them on their draw steps Edward could do nothing but paint rather agreeable watercolors and that was all the market for his kind of work was shut a patriotic nation was economizing in order to get 5% on the war loans people were not giving inexpensive little watercolors away to one another as wedding gifts any longer only the painters of high reputation whose work was regarded as a real investment could dispose of their wares starvation stared Edward in the face not only his own starvation you understand but Miss Crue's and Edward was a man of honor he hated Miss Crue intensely but he had undertaken to provide for her and provide for her he must even if he failed to provide for himself he wrapped some samples of his paintings in brown paper and began to seek for a job among the wholesale stationers he offered himself as one who is prepared to design Christmas cards and calendars and things of the kind adversity had sharpened his wits even the wholesale stationers were not turning white-headed men from their portals to Edward was accorded the privilege of displaying the rather agreeable contents of his parcel after he had impacted and packed it up again some 30 times he was offered work his pictures were really rather agreeable it was peace work and he was to do it off the premises no matter where by toiling day and night he might be able to earn as much as 4 pounds a week he went away and toiled his employers were pleased with what each Monday he brought them they did not offer to increase his remuneration but they encouraged him to produce and took practically everything he offered Edward was very fortunate during the first year of the war he lived like a beast worked like a slave and earned exactly enough to keep his soul in his body and pay his crew her 150 pounds during the second year of the war he did it again the fourth year of the war found him still alive and still punctual to his obligations towards Miss Crew Miss Crew however found 150 pounds no longer what it had been prices rising in every direction she wrote to Edward pointing this out and asking him if he couldn't see his way to increasing her allowance she invoked the memory of his dear mother and father added something about the happy hours that he and she had spent together in the dear old schoolroom and signed herself his affectionately Edward petitioned for an increase of pay he pointed out to his firm of wholesale stationers that prices were rising in every direction the firm who knew when they had a marketable thing cheap granted his petition henceforth Edward was able to earn five pounds a week he increased Miss Crew's allowance by 50 pounds and continued to live more like a beast than ever for the prize of paper and paints was soaring he worked practically without seizing save to sleep which he could not do and to eat which he could not afford he was now 64 while Miss Crew was rising 97 Edward had been ailing for a long time on armistice day he struck work for an hour in order to walk about in the streets and share in the general rejoicing he caught a severe cold and the next day instead of staying between his blankets he had no sheets he went up to the city with some designs which he had just completed that night he was feverish the next night he was delirious the third night he was dead and there was an end to him he had however managed before he died two days before to send to Miss Crew a money order for a quarter's allowance of 50 pounds this had left him with precisely four shillings and tuppans in the post office savings bank he was consequently buried by the parish Miss Crew received her money she was delighted to have it and at once wrote to Edward her customary letter of grateful and affectionate thanks she added in a post script that if he could find it in his generous heart to let her have a still little more next quarter it would be most acceptable because every day seemed to make it harder and harder for her to get along Edward was dead when this letter was delivered Miss Crew sent her money order to her bank asking that it might be placed to her deposit account this she reminded the bank would bring up the amount of her deposit to exactly 2,000 pounds End of The Pensioner by William Cain