 Today, we're going to talk about why men pull away and then come back and what you need to keep in mind Right now you're not going to like this conversation because I'm going to be well. I'm always real with you Actually, what is real anyway? I'm just sharing with you my thoughts my perceptions my opinions by no means do I suggest this is the truth Okay, so I I think it's really important for women as well as men to understand is that many of you are living in a delusional state when it comes to romantic Relationships and what I mean by a delusional state is you really many of you don't have a real understanding of the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship number one and many of you operate from the perspective of you think you can attract Something you what you actually attract in your life. You have this expectation That's going to be better than what you actually attract in your life We see this with older men who think that you know on their dating profiles They can put down younger women and that they'll actually attract those when they don't actually get those I mean yet and I will say that men with money do attract those types of women because they're offering some exchange and Oftentimes women are not satisfied especially in midlife that men are balding and they're holding up a picture of a fish And they think they can attract better than that And when I say by this I don't mean it as a judgment I mean as a delusion we human beings oftentimes overvalue ourselves and That's why I'm leaning into this conversation today And it's going to take me a little while to get to why men pull away and come back because I think many of you need a Re-education on the dating mating or relating process first and foremost is attraction doesn't equal Relationship success I'm repeat that attraction doesn't equal relationship success and if you're not familiar with my Relationship iceberg. I think it's important to look at this and as you can see above the water line It says attraction. It says chemistry, but real relationship success comes from compatibility and that's shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and The reality is as many humans lack a sense of emotional maturity in the relationship process and that's why men ghost or white people ghost why women Disappear and why men disappear and why they act dysfunctional in relationship? I think it's important to understand that human beings particularly right now Are thirsty for some level of connection and companionship and wanting that physical intimacy and yet They're not capable of actually diving deeper Into an emotional relationship And again, many of you are operating from this fantasy of Disney and the notebook and serendipity as everything I don't know as if everything is okay, and yet you've witnessed You've witnessed in your own life one disappointing relationship after another And I think what's happened with a lot of people is they lack a sense of trust in the process of getting To know someone in many cases women have become bitter and jaded and men have become bitter and jaded as well It's a real mess out there from a dating perspective because many of you are operating from the fantasy Men and women alike of this idea that you know How do I say this the idea that you know your prince charming or your princess charming is going to show up without you Having to do any true deep inner work to actually attract a really good partner. That's going to stick around And I think it's because of human beings if you think about it for 200,000 years neanderthals are 200,000 years old We've only had electricity for 100 years only electricity for 100 years out of 200,000 years of mankind Ops humankind, excuse me And within the date the mating process for literally hundreds of thousands of years you made it within the tribe that was in front of you I think it's important to recognize that there was a lot of tribe accountability in the nurturing of couplehood Now we have to also recognize that men slept with many women and spread their seed And women were the caretakers of the children and men were the ones who just went out and hunted for food and then they slept with women At least going back a couple hundred thousand years. Why is this important understand? Because there's this you know There's this interesting narrative that's talked about that men are the hunters and men are the providers and women are the nurturers As if it applies to the way we operate in dating mating or relating today because in the last hundred years We operate from a dysfunctional emotional perspective Instead of the biological instinctual perspective that happened a hundred thousand years ago This is why I talk habitually about emotional maturity and relationship skills And by the way, this is not a fact, but I believe 20 of the population has clinical issues And while I say 20 are healthy from a relationship skills perspective I might be generous most human beings are rather dysfunctional myself included. I am not perfect in this process What makes someone Come back You know pull away and come back is because they want that companionship with you They want that connection with you and yet they're afraid to lean into a deeper relationship because they haven't made the choice To actually want to be in a fully committed relationship This is why most people who are actively dating today men and women alike are either again. This is not a fact It's merely an opinion are either users and I say it's about 20 of the population They're spenders or they're growers and builders Now a user are those love bombers those players those women who are gold diggers those Entitled type of women out there or men out there that are entitled and then the spenders Are the ones who are seeking companionship uh coupling Connection but they have no direction. They're uncertain. They're fearful of relationship That's why they come they they pull away and then come back They're fearful of a fully committed relationship and then the growers and builders They're fully capable of a commitment and they're ready to commit and they're ready to face their fears And when I say that's 20 of the population I'm probably being a bit generous there too And this is true of you ladies as well because many of you are fearful of relationship And that puts you in the spender category and the reason why I call it spender Is you're spending time with someone without actually deeply growing into a relationship It's because many of you don't understand the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship This is why I continually recommend before you sleep with somebody You should purchase two copies of the book eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman and begin reading chapter one Because it talks about trust and commitment trust and commitment. Why is this so hugely important? Because without trust Without trust and trust isn't just about fidelity trust is about can I count on this person to care about my feelings as much as my own? Isn't it fascinating that we human beings will give our bodies to another person that we barely know and we barely trust Think about that It used to be that You know when a man wanted to have sex he had to marry you for it For the most part this is in the least in the last couple hundred years in the cave man days They didn't need to have to marry you or make any commitment But for a short period of time commitment was required to have sex And now that's just completely gone away the only commitment a man has to make is simply to say I want a relationship Think about that all he has to say is I want a relationship and a woman will say oh he wants a relationship I want a relationship great. I can have sex with this person and it's gonna work out great Without really any understanding of the context of what that means And what that agreement is with each other. This is why most of you might have heard my recent Conversation about something called the dating vow the dating vow And why this is so important because this is going to help you maybe avoid the man who's going to pull away and then come back And the dating vow is simply and by the way if you're not familiar There's an old saying women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment Ultimately, men are the gatekeepers of commitment because at some point a man has to want to say this either before he meets you Or while he's with you. I want to take care of this person. That's what real commitment is It's a level of saying I want to take care of you. I only want you. I want you in a partnership capacity But a man doesn't have to make any commitment of that sort And still have sex. So this is why I invite you all to do the dating vow and the dating vow is this It simply says the following I And you fill in your own name and you both men and women are doing this Agree to explore the process of getting to know one another with the intent to declare something serious Within the next three to six months. You make a declaration. You make an agreement to one another You also say I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together That's a pretty important agreement to make with one another I agree to not actively seek to meet or date others while we're in the dating process of getting to know one another I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me instead of pulling away Ghosting or disappearing and lastly I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you Which includes doing social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends on a regular basis By making that vow look at For the ladies who follow my channel 90% of guys are going to run away The spenders who are not capable of being in a relationship are going to run away You're going to lose those guys But you know what? What are you really losing? Are you really losing a serious person? Probably not Probably not By the way, my coffee mug says don't make me call so kiss So a psycho roommate on you which kind of piggybacks with my shirt today I'm not great advice. Can I can I interest you in some sarcastic comment today? As you know, my personality is a bit caustic a bit sarcastic It's a bit strong. It's a bit passionate I'm this way by the way, I'm because I have a middle eastern background My family and I used to yell and scream at each other. That's why sometimes yell and scream It's because I'm trying to get a point across to you to make sure that you're thinking about the bigger picture Instead of the fantasy that many of you are operating from This is why when clients work with me I teach you how to ask the right questions in the early stage of dating based on your personality To determine is this guy a user? A spender or a grower and builder? And by the way, there's a link below to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you Because if you don't understand this You're going to be what's the definition of insanity doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results So what's going to cause you to attract the grower builder because I said if you really look at there's a delusion of what you can attract out there Partially because many of you do very little personal development work To heal childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause you to have negative patterns and limiting beliefs in your life This is why I continually recommend the book the Hoffman process the Hoffman process This is a great starting point to start to heal from within because when you're healing from within You are less likely to attract that man who's going to pull away and then come back Now that's partially because you have to love on yourself and any of you know I already wrote a book about self-love by the way. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. What the heck is self-love anyway But if you really want to be that empowered woman that attracts that guy that grower and that builder and the reason Why they're called grower and builders is because these are the men who actually want to invest In a healthy happy relationship But you've got to sift through the the weeds to find these guys and sadly many of you women aren't growers and builders as well Just because you have a propensity to want to attach to another human being doesn't mean you're good at being in relationship with another human being This is why I'm encouraging everyone these days to purchase the book you ladies purchase the book why men love bitches Men love bitches and bit stands for babe in total control of herself. Yes This is an amazing book to start to become empowered because empowered women don't attract The flaky men to the same degree is that the woman who gives her power away I repeat this over and over and over again. Why? Because this is all about personal empowerment This is all about being in your sovereignty your self-worth your self-esteem self-confidence Because you will repel men who are lacking their own self-esteem self-worth and self-confidence and look at I'm here to say we have a huge mental health crisis here in the united states in particular An emotional health crisis. In fact the number one emotional health issue faced with human beings today Is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable and sadly dating triggers this like nobody's business This is why a vaccination to emotional chaos is loving on oneself And yet we are bombarded Through the social media and digital age in the in the world of swipe dating today We are bum it's bastardized the process of getting to know another human being And it's important to think about all these things. That's why I said you have to look at the bigger picture because men are not bad people Men are not bad people It might be bad daters Just like many of you are bad daters and you're bad daters because many of you are operating from that fantasy Of some past belief of how relationships were it's the pride and prejudice that he's going to be Chivalrous and he's just going to be the emotionally unavailable man. It's just going to open up to you It's a fantasy because today For the most part we're meeting total strangers We don't have a tribe accountability We don't have a tribe that's watching over us in many cases This is why lately I've talked about the book talking to strangers by malcom glad god glad well because When we are meeting strangers, it's difficult to trust someone And yet it shocks me how easily Most of the time people will have sex with people that they barely know and sex is a very intimate personal act Look it. I'm not here to suggest, you know, we have free will we have free bodies. We can do whatever we want That's okay I'm guilty of having friends with benefits in my life. I'm guilty of one night stands I've been pretty forthright every time it's happened. I think I have been Okay, that's what's most important is to be transparent with another human being And at the same time do your due diligence ladies If you all band together for the next 90 days and stop having sex with men It would change the narrative because you are the gatekeepers of sex Men are the gas and women are the brakes And why is it all centered around sex because that's what we men crave We don't walk around going, you know, the men are hunters. Well, we don't hunt going. I want a relationship I want a relationship. I want to really we don't hunt that we hunt sex for the most part And the growers and builders are also seeking something deeper from that So you have to differentiate between the men who are the growers and builders And by the way, the spenders or might be here's the thing the problem with the spenders most of the time The guys who are the spenders that want companionship connection and coupling The problem is if they have any dysfunction going on in their life Job issues a divorce an ex-spouse issues with children health issues the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid That's why they pull away and then they come they they excuse me They pull away and then come back and they pull away and come back Because when the ground isn't underneath them solid, they might want something from you But they're not capable as I said earlier of taking care of you And until a man actually reaches that state where he wants to take care of someone not you take care of someone And you have to be in that state of wanting to take care of someone Well, Jonathan, I don't want to be a nurse or a purse Well, guess what until you actually till two people say I want to take care of someone And then they meet that person that they want to both mutually want to take care of It's going to be difficult to have a juicy delicious relationship like I talk about frequently So why don't men pull away and come back? Most of the time it's because you started with the wrong choice to begin with You chose a user or a spender and you didn't choose a grower or a builder Is this sinking in is this resonating if it is please hit that like button Please share this video check out the links to a free discovery call with me Check out my group called midlife love mastery. Check out all the books. I recommend follow me on instagram And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pat a teddy bear or a pillow Here's a teddy bear and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye