 —J.A.T.E.S. L.L.O.B. —�I'm Tony Mulaney with Don Vettner in his orchestra, and the orchestra opens the program with sunて aren't any disdain." Now, ladies and gentlemen— to the world's greatest assistant comedians, Mr. Jack Benny. —Hello, everybody. —How's that, Wilson? —I'll tell you that's a different start, Jack. Hello, everybody. —Yes, there's a thing right out of my head. Just like that. —Oh, come on. your cup eight days ago. Yeah, that's what I mean. It came right off my cup. You know, Don, in my two years and a half on the air, this is the earliest I've ever been on. But it's really dinner time around the country. Imagine how many people are sitting at their tables right now listening to me and eating Jell-O. Imagine how many people are not listening to you and eating Jell-O. Quiet, Wilson. Quiet, you're giving our new sponsors a thought. But listen, Don, before we go any further on this program, we've got to have an understanding for what it is. Now, get this. There should be no advertising on this program during our sketches or while we're telling jokes. Remember that. Don't keep coming in with the commercial every minute. Well, how do you mean, Jack? Well, if I should happen to mention Los Angeles, California, don't you butt in and say Los Angel-O. You see, it doesn't fit here. Well, I see, Jack, I'll only mention it in natural places. Yes. And say, Wilson, we're just starting on this program. I notice you already have some of our new product on your necktie. Well, you see, Jack, I bought six different colored neckties to match the six flavors of Jell-O. I know, but you got strawberry flavor on an orange tie. All right, Jack. All right, go ahead with the program. Come in. Good evening, Mr. Benny. Mary Livingston is my name. Hello, Mary. I'm glad you got here kind of early this evening. After all, it's a new program. We want to be on our toes. Have you got any good jokes for tonight? Well, I should hope to smoke a herring. I made up a good joke about blowout proof and the silent safety tread. Mary, you should have made that up two weeks ago. It's too late now. Well, it takes time, but I certainly get them. I'll bet you just found out who won the World Series. Oh, has that started already? Come on, will you give us a joke or a riddle? Here we are in a new program, and I'm stuck without a joke. All right, here's one. Now, listen, it's not my sister. It's not my brother. Still, it's the offspring of my father and mother. Who is it? I don't know who is it? It's me, but if you tell a joke, it's you. Say, that's a natural, isn't it? Look, make believe it's mine, Mary, and I'll tell it to Wilson. Hey, say, Wilson. Oh, yes, Jack. It's not your sister. It's not your brother. Still, it's the offspring of your father and mother. Who is it? I haven't got a sister, Jack. But it's only a joke, doll. Well, it might be a joke to you, but I wish I had a sister. Oh, well, what's to you? What's the matter, fellas? Oh, hello, Parker. Come here, Frank. Frank, you have a sense of humor. It's not your sister. It's not your brother. Still, it's the offspring of your father and mother. Who is it? I don't know. I haven't been home in months. Well, we're certainly starting out fine. Listen, Parker, this is a new program. Do you got any jokes of your own? Well, I should hope to smuggle a Chinaman. Smoker, herring, smuggle a Chinaman. All right, let's hear it. Well, what is it that has four legs and flies? That ought to be good. What is it that has four legs and flies? A fox terrier. That has four legs and flies. That's right. That's right. They please flies as long as he's healthy. Oh, hello, Jack. It's Don Vester, folks, a musician but a gentleman never the last. Say, Vester, it's not your father and not your mother. Then why worry about it? Say, Vester, look, I'm having so much trouble on this series already. Have you got a new joke for this program? I should hope to kiss the noises. Can I wish you people would stop quoting Shakespeare? Oh, you're jealous, because we know so much. I'm not jealous. He is jealous, and that reminds me of Jello's extra-rich fruit flavor. He was supposed to process a favor right into the tiny crystals. Say, Vester, it's a flavor. A favor, which what is it, Jack? Play, Don, the same old trouble. Thank heaven. Was who and crazy rhythm played by Don Vester and his Yellow Tears, an awful program where I'm going to inaugurate a series of guest stars and try to have one or two for you on each of our future broadcasts. In fact, we have already arranged for several distinguished artists who have laid off successfully from stage, screen, and radio. And tonight we have a trio that comes to you direct from the Palace Theater, New York, where they saw the show from the balcony and liked it. So I now take great pleasure in introducing to you the three chicken sisters from New Orleans. Hello, Mr. Benny. And by the way, weren't you girls on one of my programs before? Yes, but we changed our names. We ain't the chicken sisters anymore. Well, that's a very good idea, particularly in show business. So what do you call yourselves now? The dean sisters. The deans, that's a nice name, the dean sisters. Which one are you? I'm busy. She's Daffy. Well, busy and Daffy, and you, little girl, on the end there, what's your name? Nutsie. Dizzy, Daffy, and Nutsie dean. Are you the only three girls in your family? No, we have a sister at home. Another sister, huh? What's her name? Gunga. Oh, Gunga dean, right? Gunga dean, huh? Yes, and she's a better girl than we are. Who? Gunga dean. That was Gunga dean, folks, by the three dean sisters. Well, tell me, have you girls ever been on the air before? Yes, we flew here from New Orleans. Oh, you say, I see. You flew here by airplane, huh? No, we're three old crows and took advantage of it. Well, well, that certainly takes a worry off my mind. All right now, girls, what songs do you know? Anything at all. What would you like to hear? Well, I'd like to have you sing two cigarettes in the dark. We'd rather sing it with the lights on. You know, we're not as dumb as we look. We couldn't be. Well, you've got to sing something. Do you like cocktail for two? Yes, but there's three of us. Well, all right, girls, sing anything you want. But get together and do the best you can. Remember, this might mean a contract for you, but you can bet me it won't. I haven't lost a bet in 10 years. Now, what are you going to sing? A Hill Tilly song. Hill Tilly? You mean Hill Billy? Oh, I see you happen to be girls. I see, well, let's hear it. Did you give Mr. Bester your music? Yes, sir. All right, Don. Give them an introduction. It ought to be very good, I think. We did. Wow. All I can say is that was great, girls. Did you like it? I certainly did. I'm a sucker for talent. Well, what do you think we ought to do? Just keep rolling down the mountain. Just keep rolling down the mountain. Just keep rolling down until you break your neck. Wow, wow. Girls, look, make believe there's a fire here and run to the nearest exit. Thank you. Play, Don. Well done. And now Frank Parker, a hallbilly, will make a man by singing, what would you like to sing, Frank? Oh, I don't care. Anything you want, Jack. Well, how do you like T for two? That was Frank Parker, who doubled crosses and sang Smoke Gets in Your Eyes from Roberta. And now tonight, folks, for our feature attraction, we are going to do something really educational, away from the usual line of hokum. Of course, by now, you know what program this is. We are connected with a product sold by thousands and thousands of grocers. And tonight, we will attempt to show these grocery men how to stimulate business and, of course, help this program. So we'll present to you a theme from the J. Benny grocery store. Wilson, will you take it while I put on my white apron? The J. Benny grocery store is located in Little Town in New Hampshire. The time is 6 AM. The proprietor is just arriving and finds Mary, his chief clerk, getting ready for the day's work. Good morning, Mary. Good morning, Fireman. Stop using that bottle of ketchup for lipstick. What are you doing there, Mary? I'm fixing up the delicatessen counter. No matter how you range it, it's still baloney. Answer the phone, Mary, and cut out the dialect. Jalole? Yes? Yes? Who is it? Mrs. Blensa. She wants some split peas. Tell her we're not splitting any today. She'll take them whole or nothing. We can't split peas. Goodbye. Ah, good morning, Mrs. Borschmeyer. What'll it be this morning? I want a dozen eggs. What kind of eggs? We have some for $0.50, some for $0.30, and some for $0.20. Well, how are the $0.20 ones? Rotten. Mary. Well, what's the difference between the $0.30 eggs and the $0.50 ones? Well, they look alike, but I can show you the difference. We have the two hens here that laid those eggs. Not the kitchen, sister. No, the hens, the hens. Now here, here's the hen that laid the $0.30 eggs. Say something, hen. Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck. And here's the hen that laid the $0.50 eggs. Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck. That's what you're paying for, madam. Well, I don't like that either. I'll take the $0.20 eggs. It's too late, there's chickens now. Ben, give me a pound of chicken. All right, anything else? I'll look around the store and see. Hello, stranger, what do you have? Well, I don't know what I want, but I don't like spinach. Oh, well, Deb Parker, I didn't recognize you. How's the rheumatism in your leg? Well, it's in my shoulder now. Legs shoulder, as long as you're healthy. Well, Deb, what'll it be this morning? I think I'll take some cheese. What kind? Oh, I like any kind of cheese. I guess it's the rat in me. Well, here's the nice whiskey. Yes, I'll take half a pound. All right, that'll be $0.25. Hey, it's Mark, $0.20. I know, but there's a nickel deposit on the hole. When you return the hole, you get a nickel back. Yes, if I don't get it by a cracker, you'll be full of holes. Jack, you must be wearing Swiss socks. They're full of holes, too. Yes, ma'am, what'll it be today? I want some spice. Spice? Not on this program. We have to be careful. Well, then give me a pound of rice. A pound of rice? Yes, and send it, please. Yes, ma'am, what's the name? Goldberg. Mark that down, Mary. I've got it right for the Goldberg. Mm-hmm. Any other program? That'll be all for today. Oh, hello, Mrs. Borschmaier. How are you, Mrs. Goldberg? How's your husband? Fine, thank you. Well, Jay, we've got to run along now, so long. Sure, there's nothing else you want, Zeb. Oh, yes, I'd like to get some squash. We're all out of squash, Zeb. We've got some nice pumpkins. What? Pumpkins. I don't get that. Pumpkins, pumpkins. What do you have for Thanksgiving dinner? My relatives, they drive me nuts. I like the old hair jokes better. Mary, wait on that customer, will you? What do you have, Miss? I'd like to see some prunes. Jack, this lady here wants to see you and Parker. No, not those prunes. Well, here are some nice prunes, madam, right in this box here. Oh, those are old and wrinkled. Haven't you got any new prunes? No, but we have these cleaned and pressed. How many do you want? Oh, about three. I'm trimming my hair. Mary, you better take yours out of my line. You'll have to wait for the prunes, madam. Anything else? Let me see. How about a head of lettuce? I've got one. You're telling me. Mary. Well, never mind. Give me some barley and carrots. I'll make clam chowder. How about some clams? No, I don't want a spoiler. Hello, Mrs. Smith. Well, well, Mrs. Borsmeyer and Mrs. Goldberg, how are you? Fine, thank you. Oh, do you women know each other? Do we? We came rolling down the mountain. We came rolling down the mountain. Bye-bye. Get me personal, seven, eight, three, 100. Hello, besties. Play, John. Hello, from the most in picture, the Gay Divorcee, played by Zeke Bester in the backyard. Throw him a coin, Mary. Throw him a coin. Well, Squire, we certainly had a busy morning. Yep. Oh, by the way, has that Zeke Bester paid his bill yet? No, he hasn't paid since 1914. If he keeps that up, we'll have to stop his credit. Here comes Zeke now. Hello, Zeke. How are you, Jay? Pretty good, Bester, isn't it? There's a pretty good room there. A house prop. Very bad. Farmer's stuffing from the dump. Ain't had no water in weeks. I think his neck is suffering, too. What are you talking about, Zeke? It rained all last week. What good does that do me? I was out of town. Oh, yes, you're in Philadelphia this week at the Earl Theater, aren't you? What do you have, Mrs. Anchovy? I want a raisin cake and be sure they're raisins. Why? What is the matter with that raisin cake? I told you yesterday. I opened it and four and 20 black birds flew out. Here's your cake, Mrs. Anchovy. Anything else? Let me see. Oh, yes, I want some dog biscuits. Shall I send them, or will you eat them here? Why, they aren't to you. That's a ninsault. Five dog biscuits. Sam, hello there. Hello, Lim. Sam is the name, S. A. N. How are you, Mrs. Levinsky? That's Levinson, Levinson. Pardon my southern accent. Well, Sam, what's new? Nothing special. I was just sitting around home listening to the radio, and did I hear a funny joke? Oh, my, oh, my, oh. What was it? What was the joke? A real festival of fellow. It's not your sister. It's not your uncle. It's the cousin of your mother and father. What is it? I don't know. What is it? Four legs of flies. I don't see the point. What are you laughing at? It's a habit I got when I hear a joke. What a joke. All right, Sam, what do you have today? Well, let me see. Have you got any ham? Ham, yes. Keep it. Hey, I want a herring, and it shouldn't smell from herring. Mary, get him a herring. It shouldn't smell from herring. I'll put some Christmas night on it. There you are. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. This herring is very bad. He looks like he didn't sleep all night. He stays up and watches the store. Well, give me one that ain't working. Give him the herring for nothing, Jack. Or we'll have to open a window. Never mind. I think I'll have some of that smoked salmon over there. That's not smoked salmon. That's ham. You have the education. I'm hungry. Mary, Mary, wrap it up for him. That'll be $0.40. Charge it. Where do you live? Well, I'd like to buy it. Oh. Hello, Sam. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mr. Olson. What do you have? Have I sent me to buy some yellow? Some what? Yellow. I'm afraid of this customer. Yellow what? We have yellow lemon, yellow bananas. No, you're playing yellow. J-E-L-L-O. Oh, you mean yellow. That's what I've been told, you yellow. Those Italians kill me. Here you are, Mr. Olson. There they take you home now. Well, goodbye, Jack. Goodbye, Sam. Well, Mary, clean up the counters. We might as well go close up the store. Yes, Jack, I wish you would. I have a date in Jersey City. That's Jersey City, huh? You have the education. I've got the date. Well, play down, play. For the wire, and congratulations on your new show. You know, folks, Lanny is starring in the log cabin in every Wednesday night. Look it up in your local newspaper, and tune in next Wednesday. It's a grand program. Some of the new theories. And, Wilton, if you run into Lanny Ross, thank him on behalf of all of us. Come on, Mary, let's go. Oh, Jack, what program are we on now? Yellow. Oh, I never can find out anything from you. Good night, folks. Good night.