 I'm not exaggerating. I really am not when I say that this is now an epidemic. It's an epidemic, not only in the greater society now, but it's an epidemic amongst our Muslim communities as well. And that is the addiction to pornography. It's like a wildfire that's going through our communities. And just because you may not know about it or you may not have heard about it, doesn't mean it's not happening. It is happening. And every talk that I go to, it breaks my heart. Afterwards I have grandparents, I have parents coming to me crying, telling me stories about their children or their siblings or their spouses or addicted to pornography. And so I gave this talk yesterday and I had a parent ask me, oh, well, my sixth grade daughter is going to be there at your talk. Is it appropriate for her? Should she be there listening to this talk? And I said, is she ever on the internet? Because if she's ever on the internet, then yes, she needs to be there at this talk. So we need to give our kids the tools to survive the world that's around them now. Ignoring it or pretending it's not out there isn't going to help us. So the first thing I want to tell you about the internet is that you have to treat the internet in your home like it's a loaded weapon. Literally, that's the best analogy I can give you. You have to treat the internet like it's a loaded weapon. And how do we treat a loaded weapon or a loaded gun? We don't ever leave children alone with it. We keep it under lock and key. We know where it is at all times. We don't just give it to anybody to handle. So you have to treat, you have to be hyper aware of the internet. The other thing you have to do the second tip about pornography is that you have to talk to your kids about it. You have to say that it exists and what it is. And the way we defined it for our kids is we just said it's movies that are out there of naked people doing weird things. That's it. We don't go into much more detail than that. But we say that it's movies about naked people doing weird things and it's an industry and they like to trap children into watching it and becoming addicted to it. And you know my son, my youngest son Rahim, if we talked to him about it when he was nine years old and we would discuss it at the dinner table and give him the tools for how to deal with it, it's not a matter of if they ever come across pornography. It's a matter of when. It's just a matter of time before something is going to pop up on their screen or they're going to click on something by accident. And like I said, after every talk I learned something new. I just had a mom recently tell me that she was on Amazon looking for boys briefs for her son. And she typed up boys briefs and kinky images came up of all sorts of other Haram things. And she said that the pictures were really obscene and the private parts were just kind of blurred, but you could still see what it was. And that was on Amazon. And Sheikh Rami and Surah, who is my son's Quran teacher up north, he warned the kids that there have been incidents where there are videos that say surah mulk on YouTube and kids will click on it or people will click on it to listen to surah mulk or watch surah mulk and it'll actually be pornography. Once it's discovered and it's reported YouTube takes it down. But if you happen to be or your child God forbid happens to be the first one to click on it, then you know, it's a problem. So you have to talk to your kids about what to do if they ever come across it. And the third thing I want to tell people about pornography is that there is no utopia. There is no perfect community or perfect country or perfect neighborhood or perfect place or environment where you can escape this nowhere. I had a cousin visiting me and she, we were talking about it because her children all had these internet gadgets that they were using. And I was, we were talking about the dangers of the internet. And she said, Oh, Henna Baji, thank God I live in such and such Islamic country over there. The government is so strict. And I didn't even have to say anything. Her husband just started shaking his head and he was like, no, honey, the top 10 countries that download porn out of those top 10 countries, the top three countries are all Muslim countries, all Muslim countries that download the most porn. I know of a student of a student of mine who went overseas to study. And he went to memorize Quran. And he went, I won't mention the country, but he went to this small country in Africa. And in this country, he had to go to this tiny village where all this village does the village has 200 people in it. And they live in tents, they don't even live in homes. The only permanent building there is this one small building in which foreigners who are visiting get to spend the night. Otherwise, everybody sleeps outside under the stars, or they sleep in tents. It takes 16 hours to get to this village, this literally this little tent city of 200 people, 16 hours where you have to go in these big SUVs and you go over these huge rocks. When you get to this little town, I feel weird even calling it a town, it's not a town, but you get the idea when they get there, when people get out of the cars, the first thing the villagers do who've come to greet the people is they step back because they know the second people get out of the car, they're going to throw up because the drive is so difficult getting there. This is the kind of village, it's completely off the map, it's in the middle of nowhere, there are no towns around it. So this child went there to memorize Quran. All night, they say it's like bees humming, you just hear people reciting Quran throughout the night because in the daytime it's so hot, so people do their memorizing at night. It takes, there's no electricity there at people walk around with guests lanterns. There's one generator and there's one outlet. It takes three days to power up a phone. There's one person in this community who's in charge of taking your phone, he will power your phone for three days and then he will give it back to you. This boy told me that in that environment, boys who were memorizing Quran would take their cell phones, they would go up into the mountains, they would go like this, they would find a signal and they would watch pornography. So there's literally nowhere to escape it, it's really heartbreaking. So we have to, just like we teach our kids how to swim or when our kids learn how to drive, we teach them how to be safe with seatbelts. It's our job just to give them the tools how to deal and then at some point they need to know the right thing to do if they come across something that's harmful to them. We pray for a less protection first and foremost but we give them the tools as well. So when my son Amin came here to Southern California, we had pretty tight media rules in our home and Alhamdulillah my siblings and I are on the same page and so he was living with my brother and my brother told me, you know Hina, I can watch over Amin all I want and we can have all the rules in the house that we have but at some point he needs to know the right thing to do because IOK's high school program was online. So he would be on his laptop doing his homework and there were times my brother Faraz had to go to bed and so he said he needs to know what to do because I go to sleep, I don't know what could be popping up on his computer. So at that time we came up with this drill just like we have safety drills at school or at work where you know if there's a fire god forbid stop drop and roll or if there's an earthquake what is the protocol you use you know which exit do you go out of how do you behave. Same way we have to have drills in place about how to deal if pornography ever pops up on your computer or your phone or whatever. So what we told our kids was the first thing you do if pornography is ever to pop up in front of you and we told them that something may pop up that looks weird to you just something that you're like wait I wasn't looking for that that wasn't the website I was going for that's not the image I was searching you'll just know you'll have this voice in your head and that voice is coming to you from Allah's upon a dollar it's coming from the angels warning you that that feels weird the first thing you do is you lower your gaze you close the laptop or you turn off the computer or you unplug whatever you basically you get it out of your vision and it's interesting because at Elm tree my homeschooling co-op one of the moms there is a marriage and family therapist and she told us that you know they worked with sex offenders at one time in her training who were in prison and she said they were taught as therapists to teach these sex offenders that if anything was ever to pop up or come in their site the first thing they have to do is look away the first thing they have to do is to get it out of their sight of vision which is really it shows you the wisdom of Allah subhan Allah because what does Allah subhan Allah tells us to say he tells us to lower the gaze right so lowering the gaze there's real benefit in that it's not just like oh we're so you know nervous we can't look at anything there's actually a protection of the heart and the soul of getting something out of your vision that is haram and we told our kids that the first glance that is by mistake is a freebie but after that if you look again that's when the angels start recording so you have to be really mindful of not going back to something that felt weird or uncomfortable so the first thing is look away the second thing we teach our kids is to immediately say awdu bilam in a shaitan regime and we tell them that these are words of power these are not magic words they're it's not mumbo jumbo you have to know that when pornography or something like that pops up in front of you you are in a shaitani environment you're in the presence of shaitan and you need protection and the only one who can protect you is Allah we ourselves have no power so you immediately call on Allah's help for his help so awdu bilam in a shaitan regime and it was very very validating to me because I gave this talk at a zaituna college event up north and there were um after I was done giving my talk shehan sayusaf gave his talk his presentation presentation which was on the danger of the current media that's out there in the world and he was not there when I gave my presentation he arrived later for his talk so he didn't hear anything I said but when he got up on stage and he had a whole power point presentation and he went through all the different things that are out there in the world and how we need to deal all of a sudden in his power point he came to a black screen and in the middle of the black screen in white letters it said awdu bilam in a shaitan regime and he talked about the exact same thing he said you need to rely on this and you need to use these words often and so that was very validating to hear from the friend who's a therapist that even in the non-muslim studies that this is what they're teaching is to lower the gaze and look away and then to learn from the shuyuh that we have to rely on all the bilam in a shaitan regime the third thing we told our kids after lowering the gaze and saying awdu bilam in a shaitan regime is you need to immediately go and tell an adult no matter what time of day it is you need to go get help you need to go let an adult know what's going on because many times what will happen is children will assume that the parents have no idea about pornography and they'll think this is something I just discovered and I actually need to protect my parents and so you need to let them know that I know what's going on and you need to come tell me and so they need to and and they need to know that you're not going to freak out that you're not going to blame them that you're actually on their side and you're going to help them and so sure enough one day Amin was doing his work at at my brother's home and something popped up on his screen and it was something he had not been looking for he didn't know what it was he immediately realized that this is the thing that we've been warned about he turned off the computer said awdu bilam in a shaitan regime and then went and told my brother my brother came and looked at the computer realized that there was a virus on it and told him okay don't touch it we'll get somebody to clean it up and then you know took the computer away for a couple of days and then gave it back to him once it was clear if we hadn't had that drill in place I shudder to think about what might have happened you know like that curiosity that oh what is that that's and then clicking on it and then the thing becoming bigger taking over his screen and so many times that's how it happens kids stumble across pornography they don't know what it is they click on it and then the way it works is first it's curiosity then it becomes a pattern or kid keeps returning to it to just kind of check it out then it becomes a habit where they have to do it on a regular basis and then it becomes a compulsion where they can't leave it even if they want to and I know the story of this 10-year-old boy who was on the hives track he was memorizing Quran and his mother was thrilled that's all she ever wanted was for one of her children to memorize Quran and her son was started memorizing surah after surah after surah and he was totally like yes I want to be a hafiz the hives school that the program that he was a part of all of the hives students were given iPods to help them memorize Quran so he used the iPod all the time while walking outside while in the car while in his bedroom around the house memorizing his surahs and the mom was thrilled all of a sudden this son just lost it seemed like it was all of a sudden but it was gradual the son lost interest in memorizing Quran and he just told his mom I can't do it anymore I don't want to memorize Quran and the mom was heartbroken she was like what happened you know she felt like maybe he got nuzzled or eyed you know the evil eye and so but she told him okay just keep working at it but he was like no I'm not interested in memorizing Quran one day she walked into his bedroom and she saw that he was on his iPod and his back was to her and she saw that on his iPod he was watching pornography so when she and her husband she and her husband investigated they found out that this boy had been watching pornography every single day for two years every single day from the ages of 10 to 12 this boy had been watching pornography he is hopelessly addicted it is one of the most tragic stories because I've been involved with the family you know trying to help and and just be there and this boy is much older now and he's still addicted it's the parents were really smart they immediately got him into therapy they got him into and there's actually therapy a program now for Muslims called purify your gaze so if there's anyone struggling with that purify your gaze as a program and when she first approached them when he was 12 years old they said no we only work with adults and in shalla your son will be fine you know whatever and and so years went by he's not fine and all sorts of problems come about from it this boy has been suicidal because there's so many times he's tried to quit pornography and he has not been able to and he keeps going back to it and so he despairs and he starts to feel like Allah can never forgive him so they have him in therapy but not only do they have him in therapy for his pornography addiction but they also have him in spiritual therapy they have him in therapy with the sheikh who's there to help him and remind him of Allah's mercy remind him why he can't despair remind him that Allah is using this addiction just to break you Allah is showing you that he's the master and you're the slave and you have to just turn to Allah completely just helping him that way but the thing about pornography addiction which people don't realize is studies show first and foremost that most addiction happens between ages of 10 and 12 the other thing is they've actually done brain scans actual brain scans on children who are addicted to pornography and they have found that the hard wiring of the brain the actual shape of the brain changes it actually changes there's a physical effect of pornography addiction and they said that the high that people get from watching pornography is the same high that people get from using cocaine and heroin so it's like being addicted to cocaine and heroin so his parents are treating it like an addiction now that they don't judge their son anymore and recently the mom told me after years of trying to deal with this and they have a very open relationship with their son the son will come to them and say mom dad it's been a month i haven't watched pornography and they'll be like wonderful alhamdulillah then he'll come and say it's been two months i haven't watched any pornography and they'll be really happy for him and then he'll come and say i watched pornography i couldn't help it i'm sorry and he'll cry and they'll hug him and you know so this is their life right now and the mom told me recently after years of dealing with this her husband is this big you know strong person you doesn't show much emotion she said the other day he just hugged her son and just broke down sobbing just cried and cried and cried and told her their son i'm so sorry i'm so sorry that this happened to you and she said that it happened you know with Allah's will but she said it had what the lesson they took from it is she said we broke the number one rule the number one rule which is that you don't have internet in your bedrooms she said the fact that our son had an internet device in his bedroom was our biggest mistake and um so pray for him inshallah that's it's a long journey and uh you know they're trying to get him help they've gotten him help but you know and it's it's incredible she paid a thousand dollars for somebody to come into the home and wire all the computers and put all the wi-fi code in her house changes every day he actually tells the parents don't go to sleep before me he's a grown like kid now and he will tell his parents don't go to bed before me because if you do i'll watch pornography like that's how bad it is the three things about pornography it's the AAA engine it's affordability pornography is cheap is free and if it's not free it's very cheap accessibility if you can access it anywhere in the old days you used to have to go to a video store now i could be watching it on my phone in front of you at the dining table and you would have no idea affordability accessibility and anonymity the fact that nobody knows you're doing it so what we as parents need to do is we can't do anything about the affordability so we need to take away the accessibility and the anonymity my sons did not have smartphones they did not have cell phones until age 13 and then my son in high school got a flip phone and people would the kids would take pictures of his flip phone because they'd be like what is that do these things actually exist but he did not get a smartphone until now until age 18 my son amin we prayed about it quite a bit before letting him get a an iphone because he's driving here in southern california now and he needs gps and whatnot but my husband has a thing set up on his phone that anything he looks at or any text he gets or sends out my husband gets a copy of it so we trust him we inshallah he won't do anything wrong but it's still it's you know we need to um they need to be aware at this age while they're still developing that for some kids you can tell them Allah sees you you're not alone Allah sees you some kids that'll be enough but for other kids you're going to have to tell them about the the medical effects the physical effects what happens with addiction how marriages get affected and um somebody asked my son in high school why don't no i asked my son why don't you watch pornography my 18 year old like why you could you could get away with it at anyone's home why do you choose not to and he said that he was once another and he heard the sheikh say something that had a real effect on him and he said it was the sheikh said iman gets pulled out of your eyes iman gets pulled out of your eyes and he said that freaked him out for him that was enough alhamdulillah may may he stay that way for other kids you're going to need to give them some of the hard facts okay and along with warning about pornography addiction you have to also teach your kids how to do toba they need to know how they can turn to Allah's paratola if they mess up so that they don't despair and also for anyone who thinks i don't want to talk about it because my kid may then want to go look it up if you don't talk to your kids about it somebody else will i know of a kid who heard the word pornography used in a khutba at a jumma prayer and nobody would tell him what it was so he went and looked it up himself i know a kid who went to a non-muslim summer camp and a boy came up to him and said do you know what porn is and he went parm he didn't even say the word correctly he went parm and he typed up parm and he found pornography even with the wrong spelling