 It is just after 5 p.m. February 13, 2023. Another surprise unannounced live stream from me. I was looking for something to do, trying to think of something that would get lots of views. I thought I'd actually do a little bit of live reading from the travels and adventures of little Baron Trump from 1889. Hi, it's me. We'll see if anyone comes in for this. It would be interesting to see. I actually reviewed this book on the 30 second sci-fi book review series here on the ThinkBolt channel. It's one of the most viewed reviews in the series and it's all hate views because of the name, of course. That's why I reviewed it. That's why I did it. That's why I'm doing this. Get the views to come in. I don't care what kind of views they are. Let's see what we can do about getting the views to come in. I'm actually going to read the book aloud as I made clear in my review of the book. It's a terrible book. We're going to do this. Here's a view of the title page and an illustration on the left there. The Travels and Adventures of Little Baron Trump and his wonderful dog, Bulger, by Ingersoll Lockwood, illustrated by George Wharton Edwards. This is Boston 1890, there at the bottom of the page. The book was first published in 1889, so the year before this. The caption on the illustration on the left says, The Little Baron discharges his tutors. They leave the baronial hall in high Dungeon. Dungeon means ill will. It's not good. We're going to take a look at the cover of the book. It's a very poor scan of the cover for the purposes of this Acrobat file. I'll show you a photograph of a vintage copy of the book. That bizarre illustration of the Little Baron in his strange costume. Let's get to work. This is the inside cover of the copy that was scanned for this, whoever scanned it. This was an off-cast from the Boston Public Library. It says, up in the upper right, it says Anna H. Clark from Uncle Something, which I can't read, and Aunt Edith Christmas 1889. So this is an original. There's the title page again. Copyright 1889 by Ingersoll Lockwood. To Master Edward Gold Jones, one of Little Baron Trump's earliest admirers, this book is gratefully inscribed. This book is not good, as I've said. It didn't get good reviews back in the 1880s, but it's old enough to have a sequel. There was an explosion of books of this type, bizarre children's books, because of the success of Alice in Wonderland. Ten years after this, in 1900, the Wizard of Oz, we would probably consider the high point of that trend. But this was part of the trend. The Table of Contents will probably read chapters one and two here. It says here, chapter one is described as a brief account of the Little Baron's famous ancestor, The Armless Knight. And there are nine chapters. And here we are. The full title of chapter one, short account of one of the Little Baron's most celebrated ancestors, called The Armless Knight. His wonderful strength and bravery, how he followed Cor de Lyon to the Orient. De Lyon, Cor de Leon, who knows, to the Orient. His brilliant exploits on the battlefield under the walls of Joppa. His marriage in the presence of Saladin and Cor de Leon, Cor de Lyon. I think that's supposed to be a satire of a real person's name. It's written in the first person as an autobiography. It says, I come from one of the most ancient and honorable families of North Germany, famous for its valor and love of adventure. One of my ancestors, when just entering the twenties, heard at his father's table one morning that England's great king, Cor de Lyon, was about to lead an army against the infidels. Gracious parent cried the young man, starting up from his seat, his eyes on fire, his cheeks ablaze. May I join the crusades and aid in the destruction of the enemies of our holy religion. A last poor boy replied his father, casting a pitying glance at the youth who, through some strange freak of nature, had been born armless. Okay, so he literally has no arms. That work not intended for terrible conflicts, such as await our cousin, Cor de Lyon. Excuse me. Thou lackest every means of wielding the battle sword, of couching the lance. It would be murder to set thy defenseless body before the uplifted cemeter of the merciless Muslim. It says cemeter. It probably means cemeter. Spelled with a C and two E's. I think it means cemeter. My dear son, banish such thoughts from thy mind and turn thee to poesy and philosophy. That shall add new luster to our family name by the learning. Nay, gracious parent, hear me, urged the youth with eloquent eye. Through nature has denied me arms, but she has not been so cruel as might be supposed for, as compensation she has given a giant strength to my lower limbs. Thus not remember how last month I slew a wild boar with one blow from the heel of my hunting boot? I do answer the grim old baron with a smile, but, pardon my interruption noble father, came from the young man. I go into battle doubly armed. Doubly armed. For to each stirrup shall I fix a sword and will be tied the muscleman who dares meet me on the battlefield. Muscleman. Interesting term. And here on the first page of chapter one is an illustration of the very thing he was just talking about. The caption under the drawing says, Sword stirrups of my ancestor, the famous armless knight. Sword stirrups. Go then, my son, cry the old baron as the tears trickle down his battle scar cheeks. Go, join our royal cousin, Cordeleon, and if thou armless canst withstand the fury of the infidel, another glory will be added to the name of Trump. And in the ancestral hall shall hang a portrait of the armless knight upon which for all time the lovers of valiant deeds shall rest their wondering eyes. The joy of my young ancestor knew no bounds. Scarcely staying to make needful preparations for his journey with a handful of trusty retainers he wrote from the castle yard amid the plaudits of thousands of fair women who had gathered from the neighboring city to wish Godspeed to the armless knight. Thousands of women. It was not until the famous battle under the walls of Joppa that my ancestor had an opportunity to give an exhibition of his bravery, his extraordinary strength, and the resistless fury of his onslaughts. Not one, not five, not ten common soldiers dared face the armless knight. Whole squadrons were coiled in terror before this mysterious avenger of the wrongs of Christendom who, without hands, struck down the Muslim warriors as the grain falls before the blast. Again and again, Saladin sent the flower of his men against the armless knight whose strength and valor had already made his name a terror to the superstitious soldiery. Little realizing the terrible fate awaiting him, the Muslim warrior would rush upon my ancestor with uplifted scimitar. Then with one blow of his sword-armed stirrup, the armless knight would cleave the breast of his foeman's horse. Oh, his horse. And then trample the infidel to death as he rolled upon the ground. It was now high noon. Okay, that was an abrupt scene change. It was now high noon. Upon an eminence, Saladin, watching the tide of battle, saw with anxious eye the appalling slaughter of the very flower of his army. Already the name, rank, and nationality of my young ancestor had been made known to the Muslim leader. La ila Muhammadul Bekullah, he cried. That just sounds like some made up nonsense. He cried, stroking his beard. Blessed is the man who can call that Christian warrior his son. How many of the prophet's children has he slain this day? 659 was the answer given. 659 echoed Saladin, and it is but noon day. When nightfall came, the number had been increased to 1,007. Okay. Hearing of the terrible day's work of the armless night, Saladin's great heart bled, and yet he could not withhold his admiration for such wondrous skill and bravery. Go, cried the magnanimous infidel chieftain. Magnanimous. Okay. Go, take from my household that beautyous slave, it's an interesting name, that beautyous slave Kohilat, no telling how that's supposed to be pronounced, her with orbs of lustrous black, the very blossom of grace and flower of queenly beauty, lead her to the armless night, with royal greeting from Saladin, his valor makes him my brother, makes him my brother, Gower though he be. Gower, Gower, I'm not sure what that's supposed to be. Away. I can barely see, by the way, my eyes are so terrible. I have this thing blown up giant on my screen. When I see a word, an unusual word that I don't recognize, I'm just kind of lost. When the beautiful Kohilat was led to the presence of my young ancestor and the announcement made to him that Saladin had sent her as a present to him, the armless night with royal greeting as a token of his respect for one so young and yet so valiant, the first thought of the Christian youth was to wave her indignantly from his presence. At that moment, however, Kohilat raised her large and lustrous eyes and fixed them full upon the young man's face. It was more than human heart could stand. Motioning her retinue to leave his tent, he advanced to her side with respectful mane and said, Kohilat, a strange fate has sent thee to me. The messenger of the great Saladin imparts to me knowledge of thy goodness, thy amiability, and thy gifted mind, which holds within its store most delightful imagery and useful knowledge as well. He informs me that thou standest in the direct line of descent from that famed princess of your land, Sheherazade, who for a thousand and one nights held the thoughts of the Sultan of the Indies so enthralled by the play of her brilliant fancy as to turn him aside from his terrible project of vengeance. Thus think, Kohilat, that thou canst forgive thy false God, forget thy false God, wow, and love only the true one. Wow, I, my lord, murmured the gentle Kohilat, if such be my lord's pleasure. Not likely. A smile spread over the handsome face of my young ancestor. He would feign have met with more resistance in converting the fair infidel to the true faith, but though he searched that beautiful face long and closely for any sign of subtlety, that's an interesting variation of the word subtle that I don't think I've seen. But though he searched that beautiful face long and closely for any sign of subtlety, yet saw he none. To his well Kohilat he continued, and now answer me and speak from thy heart. Art thou willing to become my wife, according to the rites of the Christian Church and the laws of my native land? Again the beautiful Kohilat replied, I, my lord, if such be thy pleasure. The following day a truce was proclaimed, and in the presence of the two great leaders of the opposing armies, Cordilion and Saladin, both surrounded by the most glorious Retinue, my young ancestor and the princess Kohilat were joined together as man and wife by the royal confessor, the armless knight towering above the surrounding multitude in his glittering coat of mail, like a column of burnished silver. When he advanced to meet his dark-eyed bride with the marriage ring held between his lips, a mighty shout went up from both armies. Saladin or Saladin, as it's probably supposed to be pronounced, appeared. Cordilion made the sign of the cross. In a short half hour the leaders had returned to their camps, and war had resumed its awful work of destruction. To this union of my renowned ancestor, the armless knight, with the Muslim maid, I attribute my possession of an almost oriental exuberance of fancy. Yeah, okay. This illustration here, the caption says, portrait of my famous ancestor, the armless knight, with his marriage ring between his lips. Okay. Alright, that was chapter one. That was more like a dedication than a chapter. But here we go. Who's watching? Somebody's watching. Somebody's watching on Twitch. Well, welcome, whoever you are. You know what? I'd better stop and look at the stream, make sure it's running. Because I streamed for half an hour yesterday with the stream broken and didn't know it. Let's take a look at my channel. It is live. YouTube is live. Yeah, and the Twitch is live, too. Okay. Okay. That's done. Now here we are with chapter two. The title of chapter two is, The Elder Baron Uncertain as to the exact location of my birth. Reasons why will be given later. My parents traveling in Africa at this time. The Elder Baron's remarkable ascent of the mountains of the moon. Miraculous escape from the impenetrable fog. How accomplished. In the land of the Melodious Sneezers. All that happened there. How the king of the Melodious Sneezers conducted my parents in great honor to his palace and how they were treated by him. Okay, so this is an adventure of the little Baron's parents. Still kind of a forward or kind of a preamble. While it lies within my power to gratify the curiosity of my readers as to what part of the world it was in which I first saw darkness for I was born in the night. Yet as to the nature of the immediate spot on which I was born unfortunately I am able to do more than repeat my father's words when questioned as to this point. My son, if I were on my deathbed I can only say that thou were either born in the center of a great lake on an island upon a peninsula or on the top of a very high mountain as I have often explained to thee. What does that even mean? The illustration by the way there says the caption says the muzzled mules. So I guess he's going to describe a couple of mules in a moment. All right. Let it suffice then general reader for the present for me to inform you that at the time of my birth my parents were traveling in Africa that my father had just successfully accomplished one of the most wonderful feats in mountain climbing namely the ascent of the loftiest peak of the mountains of the moon that his guides had abandoned him upon his reaching a particularly dangerous spot in the ascent but that he had pushed forward without them and reached the summit after several days of terrible privation suffering both hunger and thirst it being a peculiarity of the atmosphere after passing a certain height that the muscles of the face and throat became paralyzed and the unfortunate travel either parishes for hunger or thirst while in the very presence of delicious fruit and cool, limpid water upon rejoining my mother who had accompanied him as far up the mountainside as the best trained and most sure-footed mules could find a foothold they proceeded to make their way as they supposed to the valley from which they had first set out okay so his father his father was there when he was born but he couldn't tell him if he was born on an island in a lake or on a mountain peak whatever he's trying to be funny I guess the impenetrable fog now shut them in and they soon found themselves hopelessly and helplessly wandering about on the morning of the third day the fog had even increased in thickness closing around them like a paw almost shutting out the light of day while groping about my father had come into contact with the two beasts of burden which had served him in the easier parts of the ascent they were quietly and unconcernedly browsing upon the sweet and tender shrubs which grew on the mountainside suddenly an idea came to my father it was born of that desperation which makes a man think long and hard before lying down to die okay it was thus he reasoned if these animals are permitted to eat their fill whenever their appetite demand they will be quite willing to stay where they are especially when they find themselves surrounded by such excellent pastures and in addition there too quite relieved from all toil let them however feel the pangs of hunger or better yet starvation's tooth at their vitals and their thoughts will at once revert to their homes their masters their feeding troughs and they will lose no time in setting out for the village where they belong with the energy of despair my father hurriedly bound a piece of canvas over their mouths so that they could neither graze nor drink and awaited the results of his experiment with bated breath for the tears and groans of my poor mother whose strength was fast ebbing away smote him to the very soul okay wait a minute let me okay he's tying up their mouths so they can't eat so they'll get hungry and head home because they're lost okay are we still on? who's watching? okay after a few animals after a few hours the animals rose to their feet and became very restive and then another hour their hunger had so increased that they were making frantic efforts to feed as my father could easily tell from the jerking of the line which he had been careful to attach to their head stalls head stalls okay after the fourth hour there was a long silence during which the animals seemed to be deliberating as to what course they should pursue the fifth hour came my mother had sunk to rest weak and weary in my father's arms suddenly there was a tightening of the guiding lines gently my father aroused his sleeping mate whispering a few words of comfort again the line tightened my parents were now on their feet peering into the depths of the impenetrable fog which shrouded them about and made them even invisible to each other hissed the animals move again with a sudden impulse as if their minds had at last solved the problem which had been bewildering them for several hours the beasts with violent snortings turned from the spot pushing through the shrubbery and causing my parents to face quite about evidently there was a complete accord between the conclusions reached by their intelligence or instinct for not once did they pull apart or come to halt except when restrained by my father and thus my dear parents were saved all that day and part of the next did they pursue their dreary way the fog at last lifted and it was at once apparent to my father that although the animals were guiding them towards human habitation yet it was not the land he had quitted upon starting upon the journey to the mountain peak the path now became so plainly visible that my father removed the improvised muzzles from the two animals and allowed them to satisfy their hunger which they proceeded to do with the keenest relish so worn out was my mother that she sank helpless to the ground refreshing her with a draft of spring water and the juice of some wild grapes so my father hastily prepared a bed of soft foliage upon which they were both glad to throw themselves after their long and weary tramp they had soon fallen into a deep and most delightful sleep how long they lay on their leafy bed wrapped in their refreshing slumber they knew not it certainly was for many a long hour for when they awoke hunger was gnawing at their stomachs feign would they have at once proceeded to gather fruit and not their ears been suddenly saluted with most extraordinary noises let me read that again feign would they have at once proceeded to gather fruit had not their ears been suddenly saluted with most extraordinary noises they rubbed their eyes and looked about and at each other deeming themselves the sport of some merry jack-a-dreamer jack-a-dreamer that's not a phrase I'm familiar with at all but no they were wide awake and in full possession of their senses again the strange sounds are heard and this time they are nearer and clearer there is a rise and a fall a swelling out and then a dying away the sounds are jerky and snappy the sounds are jerky and snappy like and there is a singular music in them nearer and still nearer they come louder and still louder they grow wild beasts whispered my mother half inquiringly half inquiringly nay falls from my father's lips not unless human beings may be so wild as to merit the name of beasts hark again murmured my mother there was no mistaking the sounds any longer for like a chorus of many voices shrill and piping deep and grumbling soft and musical harsh and guttural yet all in a sort of rude and wild harmony mingling in one mighty strain now low and scarcely audible and now breaking out with a fierce and seemingly threatening vigor the singers chanters howlers or what they might be rushed into the valley into the valley below rushed into the valley below us in a wild and yet half regulated disorder they were human beings in savage garb with painted faces and clubs swinging clubs swung lightly across their shoulders whether pausing or advancing they still kept up their wild and mysterious chant choppy jerky and snappy for all the world like a thousand people who had just drawn plentifully from a thousand snuff boxes sneezing in other words save me husband cried my mother with pallid face we shall be put to some awful torture by these wild children of the forest a smile so gentle and yet so calm that it could not fail to be reassuring spread over my father's features never fear said he I know them I've been seeking them what has been denied many a traveler stronger and bolder than I has been accorded to a member of the trump family in the most miraculous manner when we return to Europe every monarch every learned society will hasten to bind a metal on my breast for dear wife your husband is the first white man to enter the land of the the echoed my mother leaning forward and grasping her husband's arm melodious sneezers melodious sneezers repeated my mother with wide open wide open eye and amusement seated in every feature mellow then she could get no further to my father's infant amusement she fell a sneezing most violently in such rapid succession did the sneezes flow that it sounded exactly like a diminutive engine under full headway at last the fit seemed to have passed mellow but in vain she could not reach the second syllable um that would have been the third syllable actually actually cause that's two syllables in mellow alright and now in his turn my father started off slowly at first but going faster and faster strange to say their sneezing soon began to catch the ways of the country and blended thoroughly keeping time in spite of their efforts to check it no then dear wife cried my father pantingly when his fit was over that these strange people stretched green sword below are the melodious sneezers that they are not only perfectly harmless but gentle kind and peaceable to the astonishing degree to an astonishing degree fear them not their clubs are only for game but why ask my mother warily less than other fit should take her I understand thee was the reply listen know that in this valley and in the greater ones below the air is always filled with myriads of insects of infinitesimal size only the strongest microscope can give proof of your sight proof to your sight of their actual existence for countless generations these peaceable barbarians here have been subjected to the tickling sensations which you and I have again my poor parent fell sneezing in regular and musical cadences up and down deep and shrill now fast and faster now slow and slower until the silence rained again just experience resumed my father until it has rendered the effort of sneezing quite as easy as breathing and taking advantage of the results which they soon discern could not be avoided these children of nature were not slow to lay aside their usual speech and literally talk by sneezing okay I've been talking nonstop now for half an hour okay we'll push on until the end of the hour with them a sneeze is capable of so many intonations so many inflections that they find no difficulty in expressing all the necessary feelings and sensations at least necessary for them in their simple lives as you shall see later on fame would my poor mother here express her passing wonder but she dare not open her mouth and cried my father gaily courage let us descend into this beautiful valley for as yet we are only standing upon the borders of the land of melodious sneezers called in our in their soft and musical tongue la achula the pronunciation of this word again threw my poor parents into a perfect whirlwind of sneezes but nothing daunted they advanced to meet the natives who at first sight fell prostrate on their faces several moments kept up a low plaintive hum of sneezes with their noses thrust into the grass by degrees however my father succeeding and convincing them that he was quite as peaceably inclined as they were where upon the melodious sneezers performed the most singular and with all pleasing dance of joy their feet keeping perfect time with their chorus of sneezing as my father afterwards learned the dance was to express their intense gratitude to the white spirits for not having eaten them alive the March homer was now entered upon my father walking hand in hand with the king Choo Choo Lo and my mother escorted by a score or more of his wives the favorite of the royal house being named Choo La A A A A and such successive one according as the occupied and each successive one according as she occupied a less lofty place in the king's affections having a shorter name until at last Choo La signified little better than a mere serving maid my father found that the villages of the melodious sneezers on account of the frequency and the violence of inundations from the network of rivers which completely shut in their land since this is of houses or habitations built in the trees or upon lofty piles he and my mother were lodged in one of the most commodious of the royal dwellings and so many slaves in attendance were assigned to care for their wants that there was little or no room to move about to their great sorrow my father proceeded to dismiss several hundred in order that he might get close enough to my mother to converse without hallowing then sent word to King Choo Choo Lo that both he and my mother would need at least a week of perfect rest and quiet to regain their health and strength after their terrible sufferings on the slopes of the mountains of the moon okay that was Chapter 2 that went much faster than I would have expected I'm gonna I've got another 25 minutes or so because I was gonna read for an hour so let's go on to Chapter 3 the full title of Chapter 3 is my birth the elder baron reads my horoscope birth of bulger the elder baron puts on mud shoes and goes out for a walk what he discovers my wonderful precocity my love for bulger my terrible fall into the lake of mud how the melodious sneezers in their mud shoes attempt to rescue me their failure bulger comes to their assistance how I was dug out and restored to my mother remarkable effect of the warm mud on my head and brain the melodious sneezers are afraid of me my fondness for arithmetic and languages our farewell to the melodious sneezers and return home how I discharged my tutors okay we saw the illustration for that and how the elder baron forced them to pay for the instruction I had given them okay now we're getting into we're getting into the stuff that I remember from when I read this years ago the illustration here says bulger with his mud shoes on okay at this point my hand trembles and the ink flows unsteadily from my pen I'm about to record certain events which I feel assured the reader will agree with me in considering to be the most interesting of my strange and varied life possibly I should say interesting to me for general reader one of these certain events above referred to is a no less important occurrence than my birth into this grand and beautiful world a world which has proven to be full of wonderful things and of more wonderful beings as you shall see as I go on with my story I was born in mid-summer it was the night season season night is a season ten thousand stars twinkled over the cradle of that wretched little helpless lump of clay but brighter than all like a crimson torch flaming in the skies serious the dog star looking down upon me exclamation point my father looked up at the heavens and smiling murmured little stranger thou shalt never be a lover of dogs thou shalt ever be a lover of dogs thy smile shall be joy to them thy words music and in some forefooted beast of their race shalt thou find thy best thy faithfulest, thy truest friend as if to set the very stamp of truth upon my father's words of that very instant a cry of a mother dog was heard in an adjoining room in one of the royal household Chulala came running into my presence with a basket of tiny puppies my father laughingly seized the wicker cradle of this newly arrived family and holding it up to me cried out choose little baron, choose the friend and companion I put out my tiny baby hand and it rested upon one with a particularly large head ha ha laughed my father thou hast well chosen little baron for him thou hast chosen has so much brain that his head doth fairly bulge with it and when my infant tongue came to wrestle with that word it was twisted into bulger and thus it was that bulger and I started out on life's journey at almost the same moment upon the following day my father made discovery that the waters had begun to recede in the night and as he looked down from our lofty dwelling he saw that it now stood apparently in the center of a quite an extensive island after breakfast in accordance with the custom of the country my father put on a pair of King Chuchu-lo's wooden shoes which were worn by all of the melodious sneezers when attempting to move about on the surface of the soft mud occasioned by the inundation these wooden shoes are extremely light although quite as long and as broad as snow shoes the soles being polished the wearer is unable to glide over the mud which from the nature of the soil is very oily with the same rapidity as a runner upon snow shoes wow oily mud that sounds disgusting after an excursion of several hours my father returned with this piece of strange intelligence namely that our habitation had undoubtedly prior to the falling of the waters been situated in a lake but that by degrees as the waters had receded an island had been formed which somewhat later had been transformed into a peninsula which in its turn by a still further sinking of the waters had been changed into the crown of a mountain with gently sloping sides so that as he reported to my mother to his dying day it would be impossible for him to say whether his son had been born in a lake on an island upon a peninsula or on a mountain or upon a mountaintop a fact which pained him extremely for like all the members of his family he took great pride in recording important events with scrupulous exactitude even to the smallest detail ok I guess this is supposed to be funny unlike most babes who seemed content to pass the first half year or so of their lives eating, sleeping or crying I from the very outset displayed a most astonishing precocity when only a few weeks old although I could not talk yet I had learned to whistle for bulger whose development in mind and body seemed to keep even pace with mine and who passed most of his time looking up into my child's face with an expression which meant only too plainly I shall be so glad when that little tongue is unloosed so that you may call me bulger and bid me do your will ok nor heading long to wait the one thing which at this early period of my life gave me most joy was the sunlight ok that was an abrupt change of subject within doors I was fretful peevish irritable but once out in the open air my whole nature changed I drank in the soft balmy atmosphere with a vigor and a satisfaction that delighted my father my face brightened and my eyes traveled from valley to hill from mountaintop to sky are they still breathing atmosphere full of microscopic insects are they still so they should still be sneezing right cause they're still in the land of the the melodious sneezers right alright into such an ecstasy of pleasure did this sight of the great world throw me that my mother became anxious lest it presage some great evil that was to happen unto me huh but the stately baron only smiled fear nothing wife it only means that within that little head dwells a most wonderful active mind for a child of its month whenever bulger heard his little master crying out in joyful tones at sight of the beautiful world he was sure to be seized with a fit of violent barking uh during which he sprang around about me with the wildest and most extravagant manifestations of sympathy without a doubt there was a wonderful bond of affection between us to my mother's I had almost said horror I one day while she was walking with me in her arms upon the bra veranda which encircled Choutulou's palaces I attempted to throw myself from her arms crying out in German los los meaning let me go let me go I guess loose loose is what we would say in English it was I was about two months old and the loud and vigorous tone in which I pronounced this first word which I had spoken in my mother's tongue fairly startled her I had up to that time apparently been more interested in the soft and musical language of my royal nurse Chula in which I could make myself understood very easily okay so they are still sneeze talking about this time an accident happened to me which although it did not bring an accident happened to me which although it did although it did not bring about okay the commas look like they're in the wrong places here I don't understand this phrasing about this time an accident happened to me which although it did not bring about it greatly hastened the release from apparently restraint so ardently desired both by bulger and by me okay it doesn't make some sense for from my very entrance into this world something told me that I should be a famous child not a mere precocious youth who is made use of by his parents at social gatherings to bore people already in poor spirits by mounting upon chair or table and declaring and claiming verses parrot like while half a dozen wouldn't need jerky with with half a dozen wouldn't eat jerky gestures but a genuine hero a real traveler not afraid to brave a tempest face a wild beast or bully a barbarous people into doing as he wanted them to do well at least it's honest on on that mark is the stream still running I have to make sure let's see let's go to my channel it looks like it is yes it is look at which it is still running okay I don't know why he's coming in nobody's even coming in briefly just out of curiosity okay bully a barbarous people into doing as he wanted them to do it was my mother's custom in the cool of the day to sit with me on the broad veranda while she darned my father's stockings for although gentle birth she had been so accustomed when a girl to exercise German thrift and all things that now even though she had become the wife of a real baron she could not forego the pleasure of doing things in those good old ways a finnig pf en n i g a german coin of some kind which the good men which the good man bestowed upon the worthy poor and went down to the grave loaded with their blessings so he's talking about his father's death in the future at such a time it was that a sudden fit of sneezing sees my mother into her unspeakable horror she let me slip from her arms down down i fell striking in the soft mud and disappearing from sight the poor woman dropped to the floor like lead the stately baron rose to his feet and the color fled from his manly cheek but chuchulow who unfortunately was paying a visit to my father only smiled unfeeling barbarian roared the great baron has no respect for a father's tears a mother's anguish out upon thee wood to heaven i had never entered thy domain chuchulow spake not a word turning with imperious mane and right royal manner towards a crowd of retainers he waved his hand quicker than thought the band of melodious sneezers sprang to their wooden shoes away away they darted like black bats on the wing black they are in africa we shouldn't forget the baron saw that in his terrible grief he had let his better judgment slip away and with pallid face and bended head stood supporting the fainting form of his wife he felt he knew that his presence among the melodious sneezers at this moment would only disconcert them impede their progress and possibly so confused them that all their efforts might be in vain they from their childhood were so accustomed to wear those huge wooden shoes to move about on the surface of this treacherous mud that if it were possible for human hands to restore his son to his arms theirs would do it and so he spoke a few words of encouragement in my mother's ear and continued to stand like a statue with his gaze riveted upon the long files of melodious sneezers as they wound around the crest of the mountain to gain the spot where as they judge I had disappeared also he rolled down the mountain armed with their light broad wooden shovels their dusky arms rose and fell with wonderful precision and regularity keeping time with the musical notes of their sneezing now soft and low now breaking out into a wild and galloping measure down down down okay they delved in vain no sign of me was there to gladden the hearts of my poor griefstrikin parents but hark what is that shrill cry it is not human no for it is bulger's bark rather it is bulger's yelp he had been watching the band of melodious sneezers as their white shovels rose and fell all in vain with his head thrust through the railings of the veranda no one was there with mind and heart enough to catch the meaning and help chuchulo saw that his men were standing leaning on the shovels with looks of doubt and hesitation in their eyes the king was silent it was the great baron who spoke oh let them not give over my life my wealth my all are thine good king chuchu a bit of sneezing cut short his appeal again bulger's cry was raised and this time the king heeded it and the tendons saw the royal nod and hastening to bind broad wooden cups upon the dog's feet he was turned loose upon the surface of the mud what is man with his boasted intelligence that's a non sequitur what is man with his boasted intelligence they were ten paces are more distant from the point where I had disappeared yelping, barking and whining by turns my dear bulger hurried to the spot where his unerring scent uh told him that his beloved little master had gone down again the band of melodious sneezers set to work with renewed vigor their white shovels flashing with strange effect against the inky blackness of the mud bulger encouraged them with loud and joyful barkings suddenly a clear ringing melodious chuchu were at the air they had caught sight of me with rear foresight for one of my months I had closed my nostrils with one hand before reaching the mud and thus saved my lungs from filling up okay let's go back to page 24 here the caption says three portraits showing the wonderful growth of my brain okay but before at this point though when he's fallen in the mud he still looks like an ordinary baby here okay where was I but how useless would have been this precaution had not my faithful bulger come to my rescue his joy now knew no bounds I thought that I caught a glimpse of a smile on the old baron's tear stained cheek as his boy was born to the veranda more like an animated lump of earth than ought else for the air had revived me not only wide open but they were the only clean place on my whole body utterly regardless of my filthy condition my fine mother clasped me convulsively to her breast and I verily believed that she would have pressed her lips upon my mud covered head and face had she not seen the baron's broad palm held in suspicious proximity while her mother's heart was emptying itself out in words a few basins of warm water and I was myself again no I was never myself again my bath in the warm mud of Laa Chula affected a most remarkable change in me it checked the growth of my body and turned all my strength upwards into my head and brain in one short month my head almost doubled in size my baby face and expression were gone let's look at the drawing again it's rather disturbing and ere another moon had filled her horns I had grown to be a living wonder not only was the size of my head something remarkable but from my eyes beamed an astonishing intelligence the poor women of Laa Chula crouched in front of me as if I were a being from another world and then tapping their foreheads they approached my mother and whispered most gracious Chula Laa Laa Laa Laa Laa the great spirit has made a mistake and put two souls in there instead of one and then they bent their graceful bodies till their foreheads touched my mother's feet and withdrew going out backwards like the best regulated court ladies each leveling their finger at me and opening wide her eyes as she disappeared through the door so each pointing wide-eyed the horrible big-headed baby the whole scene was so grotesque that I burst out into a shout of laughter all this happened very quickly upon hearing which the poor creatures tumbled headlong over each other in their mad efforts to get outside of the house shrieking at the top of their voices save us save us he will be witches let's let's look again at this giant-headed baby with a face here we can see we can see it here on the right yeah if this giant-headed baby with that face started laughing out loud at you yeah that would be disturbing oops okay little baron said my father in a tone of mock anger you should not have frightened the ladies of king Chuluo's court Chupa Chupa idiots idiots I replied looking up from my slate upon which I was working out an example of arithmetic where I was very fond of figures in fact my father had already taught me addition by showing me how to trade off worthless glass beads for a valuable ivory and the vision by taking away 90 cents from every dollar I made what long before I could read or write I knew the letters of several languages by name and could spell any word which had no silent letter in it no one took more delight in my wonderful accomplishments than bulger he seemed to know instinctively that his little master was no ordinary being and respected him accordingly we now bade adieu to the land of la-a-chu-la finally and the melodious sneezers king Chuluo with a mighty band of retainers accompanied us to his frontier making the forest resound with their melodious Chu-Chu-ing standing on the old baron's shoulders I waved them a last goodbye to which they answered with such a perfect whirlwind of Chu-Chu Oz that bulger fairly howled with delight fairly any special honor paid to his master was always a personal matter to him the elder baron had intended to penetrate still further into the heart of Africa but the fact is that the continual growth in my mind was so wonderful that it engrossed his attention from more until night he endeavored to hide this from me but all at no purpose why? before I was two years old my brain had grown so heavy that my mother was obliged to sew pieces of lead in the soles of my shoes to keep me right and upwards and yet in spite of this precaution I was often found standing upon my head working out difficult mathematical problems by making use of my toes as the Chinese do their counting machines do they? did they? did the Chinese use their feet to run their abacuses? sounds like a racist myth to me the first thing which my father did upon reaching home was to make me was to take me to a phrenologist in order to have a chart made of my head the examination lasted a month oh ha ha funny at length upon the completion of the chart it was found that I possessed 32 distinct bumps well developed ones too it was therefore and once determined to engage 32 learned tutors each tutor had to have charge of a separate lump and to do his utmost to enlarge it even if it grew to be a horn aha the comedy the comedy I can't stand the comedy my father was resolved to leave nothing undone in order to develop my mental powers to the utmost limit I said nothing either for or against the scheme in one short year I had learned that all the 32 tutors could teach me and what is more I had taught each of them 50 things which he had not known before and which I had learned while traveling in foreign lands with my parents one fine morning to the great surprise of my 32 tutors I discharged the whole of them okay that's the illustration we saw the elder baron at my suggestion now sent a bill to each tutor for services rendered rendered him by me each tutor refused to pay the elder baron at my suggestion now caused legal process to be served upon each of them the court upon hearing my testimony rendered an opinion which covered 5000 pages of legal cap paper and required a whole week to read in which they held that each thing which I had taught to each of my 32 tutors was so remarkably strange and peculiar that in the eye of the law it was worth at least 1000 dollars that made the bill of each tutor amount to 5000 dollars or 160 thousand dollars in all the court then adjourned for a year all three judges being so worn out mentally and physically as to need a 12 months rest before taking upon taking up any other business and there's an illustration of the judges the three weary judges as they appeared at the close of my suit against my tutors okay and that brings us to the end of chapter three it's exactly an hour um that's it that's it then for now the first three chapters of the travels and adventures of little baron trump from 1889 I think I'll come back tomorrow and read some more see you then