 A wise man once said magic is dumb and stupid and makes no sense, and I trust that man. He wields a sword and a shield, so why use magic when you can use big brain energy in the power of science? And I know how much nerds love science, so much that they won't shut up about it and one day start making weird advances towards their Texas instrument. Listen, we all have our urges, but seriously, get a server room. Welcome to a crap guided D&D. It's about damn time we got another intelligence caster. The stat is about as commonly used for spellcasting as your bedroom is used for sexy times. The artificer is an inventor who decided traditional magical means by accomplished wizards and scholars are too mainstream and decided to come up with their own magic spells and items after reading two articles by angry moms from Baldur's Gate who discovered casting real spells can actually give you genital flumps. Checkmate sorcerers. Instead of that, you can tinker with items to imbue them with special properties, like turning it into a flashlight, turning it into a scented candle, or turning it into a phone that can only record and play vines. The best part is that once you give the item the properties, it lasts forever, so go have fun enjoying your seven seconds of fame before the service shuts down and you become a struggling vlogger. And speaking of messing with the natural properties of items, as you level up, you gain infusions, which allow you to turn that sex toy you hide in the dresser from a basic vibrator to a vibrator. Infusions include, but are not limited to, boring stat increase, Thor's hammer, item dupe glitch, and go go gadget, blinka boots! This is all due to your massive IQ rating of 20 billion, which is so high you can add your intelligence modifier to any of you or your ally party members dice rolls and become the ultimate backseat gamer telling them about the bad guy's weak spots because there's no way their simple minds could have figured it out on their own. And if that doesn't work out, you can use one of the 50 magical items you've made yourself and refused to part with like someone on an episode of Hoarders or pull a fast one and throw the magical vibrator that you secretly stored a charge of fireball in. Being the new class that it is, the Artificer only has three subclasses so far and no, I'm not gonna cover the new ones that come out. Stop asking, I just wanna go on vacation with my sword and shield already. The Alchemist is like a drunk doctor and gains a few healing spells, can buff allies with the power of drinking and gambling, and can help you grow closer bonds with your pets. If you want a big fuck-off gun, the Artillerist can create an eldritch cannon that can either fire three different kinds of artillery or just sit there contributing nothing while you marvel at your amazing craftsmanship because keeping track of more than one thing on the board is hard. Isn't that right, Dungeon Master? And lastly, the Battlesmith, where you decide to stop being a puss baby and join the fight with a mystery-solving robo-dog sidekick. Ha ha ha ha, ranger. Overall, the Artificer loves making, finding, and using loads and loads of magical items, which means you'll probably forget about half of your inventions because players can't be trusted to even remember the items they started with at the beginning of the campaign. Just make sure to keep them under good security so the rogue doesn't steal them all while you're long-rest and suddenly you wake up to the sound of Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture. Now you know how to play Artificer, you're welcome.