 What is the only thing more rare than a narcissist with empathy? It is a some vacuum in video shorter than three hours Today's the day you've been waiting for a short Some well relatively short some back in video. I can see in the audience people tearing up hugging praying to the gods Sacrificing cattle as a token of gratitude. Yes The day is upon us and I've heard your cries And I as an even Evelyn God would do and responding Today we're going to discuss what happens to the poor narcissists When you are the one who discards him before he has a chance to devalue and discard You and who is better to answer this question then Sam Vaknin the author of Malignant self-love Narcissism revisited a former visiting professor of psychology a current member of the faculty of See ups and the list is long Okay, let's get straight to the point if we want to keep this this one under one hour When you discard the narcissist When you are the one who puts an end to the shared fantasy before the narcissist has had a chance To convert you into a per-secretary object in his mind Before he got the chance to devalue you and discard you on his own terms This of course leads to narcissistic injury If you put an end to the relationship if you break up And you discard the narcissist publicly in a way that involves Humiliation and shame for example, if you pick up another guy in public in front of the narcissist peers And venture into the night with him something that has happened to me quite a few times Then this results in modification so the outcomes of Your initiative to discard the narcissist could be either a narcissistic injury or narcissistic modification Now these are two totally separate thing things psychodynamically narcissistic injury provokes the false self to overreact Grandiosity is enhanced. It's as if the narcissist closes ranks and Tries to compensate for the injury with rage Rage that renders him in his own eyes omnipotent and godlike to be feared and Avoided and so on so forth. This is injury modification on the other hand has much more long-lasting effects and much more devastating ones the narcissist False self is deactivated and disabled Narcissist decompensates. In other words, his defenses are no longer able to shield him from reality His grandiosity suffers a major blow Cognitive distortion no longer works reality intrudes The breakup to discard the humiliation the public humiliation shame Erupt and they could be life-threatening now. I've seen All kinds of self-styled experts online with and without academic degrees conflating and confusing narcissistic injury narcissistic collapse and narcissistic modification They are not the same and they don't have the same outcomes So you've caused injury if the breakup was in private or you've caused modification If you broke up with him in public in a humiliating and shaming way and Then then what happens? The shared fantasy is put on hold of course because you're out You've made it very clear that you will not conform to The snapshot to the internal object in the narcissist mind that represents you and it is essentially Idealized and has become a maternal figure. You have resigned. You have given notice I'm out of here. I'm bailing out no longer participating in your charade That minute you're converted in the narcissist mind He begins to perceive you as a rejecting and frustrating mother In maternal figure, which is the exact equivalent a replica and a clone of his real mother The original mother which wouldn't let him separate and individuate and of course because you had become his Real mother by rejecting him and discarding him This retraumatizes him. He goes through the original early childhood trauma again And he perceives you as an abuser Is the original trauma? Had had been has been called had been caused by a dead mother a mother who was absent or selfish or instrumentalizing or or Parenting fire mother who mistreated the child So it's been traumatic when you discard the the narcissist You step into the shoes of his Original mother his real biological mother who have who had rejected him and She did this she rejected him by abusing him And so you become an abuser in the narcissist mind It is also known as the secretary object and then the narcissist as I mentioned Compensates and some narcissists act out. They become essentially psychodynamically. They become borderlines No longer in possession of narcissistic defenses against their overwhelming emotions They emotionally Disregulate with negative affectivity in other words their negative emotions take over especially anger fear Envy and so on and then they act out They do something crazy. They crazy make they do something crazy reckless defiant something very hurtful and harmful and often criminal so discarding the narcissist Before he has had a chance to devalue you Might lead the narcissist some narcissists not all might lead the narcissist Especially if the discard was by way of modification might lead such a narcissist to act out And to seek to harm you revenge Some other way flying monkeys the numerous strategy smear campaign the numerous strategies the narcissists Have at their disposal when they try to harm someone The narcissist dissociates on this it is too difficult to bear. It's too hard on him the retraumatization is One inch removed from disintegration and a psychotic break to protect himself to shield himself from the outcomes of your discard The narcissist dissociates and is likely to forget Amnesia it's likely to forget a lot of the things he is likely to do so The narcissist would be very surprised if you were to confront him with some of the things he's done And so there the narcissists essentially if you want to understand the narcissist following a discard Essentially, it's a borderline So you would you would do well to watch the videos on my borderline in my bed borderline personality Disorder playlist on this channel So this is the first reaction you're an enemy You are a replica or a clone of his original mother. You've rejected him. You've frustrated him. You re-traumatize him All his defenses crumble. He decompensates Sometimes he acts out in a crazy way in order to harm you exact revenge and restore justice in his eyes He tends to dissociate a lot of this and if it's injury is Grandiosity is heightened in the case of narcissistic injury his grandiosity is heightened and leads to narcissistic rage If it's narcissistic modification, he will is likely to withdraw regroup and Then choose one of two solutions, which I will discuss in a minute in the meantime Another dynamic that happens is that the narcissist experiences separation in security also known as abandonment anxiety Within the shared fantasy you are a maternal figure and even if a shared fantasy is five days old You're still a maternal figure even in a one-night stand. You're a maternal figure so Having discarded the narcissist, especially if you've done this in public and in a shaming way a way that puts him down and hurts him in public This leads to an overwhelming sense of abandonment and separation extreme insecurity extreme anxiety uncontrollable overwhelming drowning Again, very very akin very similar to borderline personality disorder The narcissist needs to restore object constancy The narcissist maintains stable introjects Introjects to remind you are internal objects eternal voices that represent you in the narcissist mind Now as distinct as opposed to the book to someone with borderline Narcissist maintains stable introjects the borderline cannot she doesn't have stable introjects out of sight out of mind narcissist Who is exactly the opposite of borderline the only real thing? The only real things are the introjects the internal objects are the only realities in his life But now that you have discarded him there is a mismatch a discordance a dissonance between the introject of you Internal object that represents you in his mind and the real you who has just discarded him So by discarding the narcissist You have diverged you have deviated From your introject in the narcissist mind from the internal object that represents you from your snapshot And so this creates what I call introject dissonance The only way to resolve an introject dissonance is to hover you or to stalk you To reintroduce you into the shared fantasy so that you can again conform to the internal object This is known. This is what I labeled coercive snapshotting This is one of the forms of coercive snapshotting Having discarded him in private or in public the narcissist will do everything in his power to bring you back so that The introjects in his mind Will be kept whole Will not be damaged and he will not have to alter them. The only exception is modification Following modification the narcissist will avoid you He will convert your introject into a persecretary object into an enemy and will never see you again or be in touch with you again But in the vast majority of cases discarding the narcissist does not create Modification it takes a lot to modify the narcissist in the overwhelming number of cases Discarding the narcissist creates narcissistic injury and to repair The damage grandiosity the narcissist needs you and he needs you in a way That affirms and patruses and confirms the internal object in his mind Internal object that represents you in his mind. So this is why narcissists who were that's why they stalk you and you should be Fully cognizant of this and ready prepare yourself for these kinds of behaviors. So again a recap You have rejected the narcissist who have discarded him before he had a chance to devalue you That means separation individuation is incomplete because you are maternal figure your mother and again There's a failure of separation individuation Exactly like his original mother. You have rejected him. You've frustrated him. You've retraumatized it You've traumatized him. So this creates narcissistic injury or modification. He feels abundant He develops abandonment anxiety and he wants you back in his life In order to mitigate or ameliorate the anxiety and to merge you again With the introject with the internal object that represents you in his mind. This is the only solution In the meantime the nice narcissists is furiously at work Trying to make sense of what has happened You see in the narcissist's mind. He's not an abuser. He's not coercive He's a nice guy He's helpful. He's loving. He's caring. He's attentive. He's compassionate Yeah, he may engage in tough love. That's because he loves you the narcissist's mind is Enmeshed and immersed in the shared fantasy and a fantasy is a fantasy It is divorced from reality. So the narcissist appraisal of your relationship the way he sees your relationship Is dramatically different to the way you see the relationship in his mind? Having been discarded is betrayal. You've betrayed him By discarding him you have stabbed him in the back You've betrayed him, especially if you went you went away with another man. Yeah So he has to make sense of this if he is extreme injustice He feels that he has been mistreated. He is the one who's been abused and victimized and this of course challenges his perception of himself as Invaluable immune to the consequences of his actions Godlike above everything above it all above the free untouchable and strong and Resilient so here you are with a single act of discarding him You've shattered the house of cards, which is the narcissist's self image and self perception and he needs to reframe And it's to reframe what has happened and there are two ways of Reframing one is known as internal solution and one is known as external solution The internal in the internal solution the narcissist convinces himself That he is the one who initiated the discard He pushed you to discard him. He manipulated you into breaking up. He is the one Who has brainwashed you and entrained you and controlled you? And brought on this consequence this behavioral consequence. So whatever you do Whatever you may do, whatever you may have done It's all the narcissist doing. This is a grandiose defense. The internal solution is a grandiose defense Yeah, she discarded me. Yeah, she broke up with me. Yeah, she went away with another guy Um, yeah, she humiliated me and shamed me in public by doing this or something else But I made her do it She was just a robot. She was an extension. She was at my back and call. She was under my control I I'm the one Caused all these to happen That's the godlike. I'm god. It's a godlike defense. So that's the internal solution the external solution is She is evil. She's bad. She's malicious. She did this on purpose. She would do it to anyone and So that's the way she is. She's corrupt That's a the external solution the external solution is per secretary I'm all good says the narcissist and she is all bad The act of discard therefore Is a badge of honor Because I'm all good. This all bad person couldn't be with me The very fact that I've been discarded by her Just goes to show how decrepit and evil and malevolent and wicked. She is Because I'm a good good partner and a good person and So the breakup is all for the better The discard is proof of my virtue Of my of of the important high moral ground that I That I occupy So it's a badge of honor I can go around telling people Wow, I had this horrible partner who's been abusive who's been malevolent and malicious And Luckily She she just walked away So these are these are the two ways that the narcissist reframes your discard When he is discarded by you He goes around saying I made her do it Therefore I'm in control Or He goes around saying she was evil She is nothing to she there's nothing to regret I should be grateful that she is Walked walked away. I should be grateful that she broke up with me Still the narcissist goes through stages of grief and mourning but not for you not for the intimate partner For the shared fantasy The narcissist invests in ordinary Amounts of emotional energy affects us in the shared fantasy. He constructs it He works on the details He keeps reliving living and reliving it. He keeps imagining. He keeps hoping. He keeps daydreaming And then you just walk away. You just you just discard him. You just put an end to it cruelly Suddenly abruptly mercilessly callously ruthlessly Then the shared fantasy is gone and done in mid in midlife And there's a lot of mourning and grief involved the mourning and the grief Motivate the narcissist to find a substitution for you substitute for you to replace you as AP Now there are two types of replacement isomorphic replacement and dissimilar replacement Some narcissists would go around looking for someone who is your copy Your replica resembles you physically resembles you emotionally resembles you as far as your cultural background societal background ethnic background Another another version of you. So this is the isomorphic replacement Other narcissists would opt for the exact opposite of you So they would go for an intimate partner Who is not like you in any way shape or form who is not even remotely reminiscent of you Isomorphic replacement is common with narcissistic injury Dissimilar replacements are common with Modification of course when I say he it's a she when I say she it's a he Gender pronouns are interchangeable and another caveat Everything I say here is about intimate relationships But it applies to friendships. It applies to workplaces. It applies to church and other collectives The narcissist relates to the world Only via a shared fantasy The narcissist converts everything into a shared fantasy And so everything I've described here applies perfectly To having been discarded by a friend not by an intimate partner Okay, I will continue Faced with a grif in the morning For the stalled frozen Shared fantasy The narcissist needs to complete the stages. So he looks for substitute or replacement Then once he has found the replacement He completes the disrupted shared fantasy And this is what is known as repetition compulsion It simply goes through the the phases that are left Remember when you are the one to discard the narcissist The narcissist is still stuck In the idealization phase So it's easy for him to transition to another intimate partner or friend or whatever And continue from the idealization phase The narcissist's love bombing of you Has created in his mind a snapshot an internal object that is photoshopped idealized He just takes this internal object and applies it to a new partner or a new friend Or a new colleague, whatever. He just takes this snapshot this internal object And applies it to another person And then it takes it on from there It continues as if nothing has happened That's why I keep telling victims of narcissists You are fungible You're like so many pieces of rice, grains of rice You're a commodity, you're interchangeable It's the internal object that matters The external objects come and go The internal object is forever And so there's new content in the internal object A new partner And then the narcissist continues with the new partner Where he has stopped with you Or where you have stopped And exited And hopefully with a new partner He says to himself I will be able to reach the phase of devaluation And discard I will then have attained separation and the individuation From this maternal figure And resolve the early childhood conflict once and for all And for all