 P.L.S. That's right, folks. C for comedy. Castello puts them all together, and they spell Camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel Show, starring Bud Ebbett and Luke Castello. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Hey, that bag of popcorn and stop eating. All you do is eat. You're getting better every minute. I am not getting fat. Everybody says I'm getting slimmer than eel. You're getting slimmer than eel? Sure. When people see me, they say, here comes Castello. What a slimy eel. Hey, Abbot, besides, I don't want to get fat. Getting fat is expensive. Oh, how can getting fat be expensive? Well, I got a battleship tattooed on my chest. And every time I gain 10 pounds, I got to put on another lifeboat. Oh. Oh. Oh. The big dog says, just look at you. How'd you get that? Hey, how did you get that lump on your head? And all those bruises on your face. Well, last night, I called on the little redhead that lives next door. And she told me to take her in her arms and forget everything. And did you? Yes. I forgot that the lights were on. The shades were up. And our fodder was in the next room. Castello, you've got to stop chasing after every girl you see. Do you want to become a masher? I wouldn't mind being a masher if I could pick my own potatoes. I lie. Well, what were you doing at this little redhead's house? You told me you had a date with Marilyn Maxwell. Well, I did, Abbott, but Marilyn busted it. She don't want to go out with me no more. She says we're intellectual opposites. You and Marilyn are intellectual opposites? Yep, she's intellectual, and I'm the opposite. I don't blame Marilyn. You've been taking up her time for a whole year, and you've never proposed to her. Oh, I did propose to Marilyn Abbott, but her answer had a string to it. Her answer had a string to it? Yeah, she told me to go fly a kite. I am. You don't know how to propose to girls. You've got to make them think they are everything. And you're nothing. I tried that too, Abbott. I said to her, Marilyn, I am nothing. I have nothing. I can't give you nothing. What did she say? Nothing. I'm afraid of the night. I'm afraid of the night. Where did you propose to her? Well, in a lunch room. We were eating meatloaf. Oh, no wonder Marilyn keeps turning you down, proposing to a girl over a plate of meatloaf. You should take her out and gaze at the stars. The skies are full of things we know nothing about. So is meatloaf. Hi. Oh, hello there, boys. Hi, it's Marilyn, Mike. My love, my love, Marilyn. Come put your arms around me. Like this, Louis? Yes. Now hold me tighter. Tighter. That's it. Just hold me. OK. How long do you want me to hold you? For 30 days. If nobody calls for me, I'm yours. Oh, I got the next line. Excuse me. Well, Marilyn. Marilyn. When I'm close to you like this, I can't seem to break away. Something keeps snapping me back. Is it long? No. You're standing on my gutter. Thanks. You seem in a good mood. Why don't you pop the question again? Huh? OK. I'll pop the question again. OK. Marilyn, you know how I feel about you. I don't know how to say this, but do you think that two people can live on $75 a week? What are you talking about, Louis? I make that much myself. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, no, Louis. The man I marry must be romantic. Well, ain't I romantic? Didn't I come to your house sometime tonight and bring you a big box of cracker jack? Yes. Didn't I? Then you held my hand, and I held your hand, and then you held my hand again. Is that any way to make love? No. But do you know a better way to make a box of cracker jack last all night? Well, not good for you that I can really make love. I'll give you a real burning kiss that will set you on fire. All right, Louis. Give me a real real cracker jack. All right, Louis. Give me a real burning kiss. How was that? You better throw another log on the fire. Well, oh, please. Did you hear that, Castello? Oh, Marilyn is not the girl for you. She's a nice girl and all that, but she's snobbish. Oh, yes. I mean, I... What'd you say? I said Marilyn's snobbish. She is not snobbish? She's an American just like you and me. Don't call Marilyn snobbish when she is. No, I... Oh, you dummy. I mean, she's snobbish. She's a loof. Make up your mind, Abbott. Is she snobbish or a loof? Oh, about 50-50. I'd say she was half snobbish and half a loof. Well, a half a loof is better than none. No, no, no. Castello, you're talking about a loaf. I'm talking about a loof. Marilyn is a loof. She's well bred. How do you like that? Now, Marilyn is a loaf of bread. The next thing you'll be calling me, she's a jelly donut. Oh, Castello, will you listen to me? I'm trying to describe Marilyn's character. Haven't you noticed how she goes about with perspicacity? When does she start going with perspicacity? No. Perspicacity is still going steady with synthia, Rosenblatt. No, no, you idiot. Perspicacity is not a person. Perspicacity means a distinction. Anyone can have perspicacity. You have perspicacity. Therefore, you have distinctness. I got what? You have distinctness. Distinctness. You don't smell so good you're now. Stop that. I said you have distinctness. You are distinguished. Or, as they would call you in French, this stingé. Could I have that again? In French? In French. Certainly. That French... You see, the French change the last two syllables. In English, it's extinguished. In French, it's stingé. Ah, but they don't speak French and Patterson. And everybody there used to call me stingé. Hey, stingé! Castello, you're impossible. Merle, Maxwell is smart to keep away from you. It proves she's astute. Yes. It, it, it, it. Could I have the last one again? Astute. Astute. Ah, but I astute all I'm gonna astute from you. I can't astute anymore. Look, Castello, when you listen to me, when I say Merle, there's a loof. I'm not talking about a loof. A loof is a mark of character, like distinctness. And a person who is distinct has perspicacity. And perspicacity makes one astute. Oh, when you say a loof, you're not talking about a loaf. No. A loof is a mark of character like distinctness. And a person who is distinct has perspicacity. And perspicacity makes one astute. Nah, you're in there pitching. I may be in there pitching, but the batter is knocking my brains out. The best teacher. Joe, back from a two-year trip in the Orient, is celebrating his return by dining with his old friend, Bob. Bob says, Cigarette, Joe? Thanks. Hmm. Camels, I see. Changed your brand, haven't you? Yeah. That was one time when a wartime is short. He did me some good. You know, we were mighty short of cigarettes here during the war. True where I was, too. Well, like everybody else, I smoked any brand I could get. Tried them all, I guess. That certainly taught me plenty about cigarettes. Camels stood head and shoulders above the rest as far as I was concerned. Yes, experience is the best teacher. During the wartime cigarette shortage, when people smoked any brand they could get, millions learned the differences in cigarette quality. It was then that people's T-zones, that's T for taste and T for throat, compared cigarette after cigarette. Millions learned that camels, rich full flavor and cool mildness, suited them to a T. The result? Today, more people smoked camels than ever before. Experience is the best teacher. Cry a camel. And while you light up a camel here, skinny anus to sing, it's the same old dream. I can see a steeple surrounded by people Oh, how real it all starts to seem Just as the choir sings my alarm stops ringing it's the same old dream And in my thought inspired I was seen by the fire in a cottage close by a stream I know it hard by heart now we're about to part now it's the same old dream if you but knew how many times I'd pretend that I'm with you I'm sure your heart would unbend you'd see me through until my dream had a happy ending I can picture clearly the things I love dearly in the center you range between we kiss and I discover I'm a lonesome lover it's the same old dream I can picture clearly the things I love dearly in the center you range between we kiss and I discover I'm a lonesome lover it's the same old dream I've been talking to Merlin and she turned me down again life means nothing without her I don't care what happened Castello, put that gun down I might go off I don't care But it's pointed at me That's why I don't care Listen here, dummy You can win Merlin by impressing her She's impressed with my celebrities All you have to do is become famous get your name in the paper I know what I'll do, Abbot I'll start a fight with you No, no, fighting with me won't get your name in the paper That's Syros I'll knock, knock What else? Listen to me To get into the papers you've got to get... Will you listen to me? I'm listening! I want to get your face into the papers but you've got to get mixed up with somebody big Okay, then I'll fight Joe Lewis You're not afraid of Joe Lewis? No, Abbot, I'm not afraid of Joe Lewis I'll go right up to him and I'll say Joe Lewis, put up your dopes I ain't afraid of you I'll knock your block off That's what I'll say to Joe Lewis through that little slit in my armored car We'll talk sense, Castella Now, look, if you want to become famous and get your name in the papers you'll have to hire a publicity man a man who will think up ways of getting your face before the public How could he do that? Well, he might get all the bakeries to stamp your picture on all their soda crackers Oh, no, he won't I ain't going to have kids all over the country slapping peanut butter and jelly in my kitchen Come on, come on, Castella I'm taking you to the best publicity man in Hollywood When he gets through publicizing you Merle and Maxwell will come to you on bended knees Oh, yes! Yes, she will Oh, boy, leave me to him No, no, no, no Here's his office Let's go in Well, gentlemen I'm Brown, the publicity man The second most famous Mr. Brown in the country Number two brownie, they call me As the bandit said when he stuffed the paper towel in his victim's mouth anything for a gag Now, what can I do for you? You can take that gag stuffed in the victim's mouth and drag it over to Tom Breneman It's old enough to get an orchid This guy must be writing for Fred Allen Oh, quiet, Castella Mr. Brown, could you think of a stunt that would make Castella famous over the night? Oh, yes, I've got justice done for Castella It's never been done before I'll have him sit on a flagpole Wait a minute Lots of guys have sat on flagpoles At half mass? Oh, you call that a publicity stunt? My uncle Mike and Patterson played a game of poker with a TWA hostess while sitting on the wing of a plane going to Honolulu Clipper? Yes, he beat her out of a few bucks Mr. Brown, don't you have some sensational stunt that Castella could do? Oh, yes, indeed As the doctor said when he slapped the newborn baby this will open your eyes Castella, I'm going to have you jump off the Golden Gate Bridge Oh, what a stunt I can see you now You're standing on the rail of the bridge That ain't me Now you're all poised to make your leap That ain't me A crowd gathers to watch you and suddenly there's a loud scream and the man thinks that's me Castella, calm yourself Mr. Brown will think of something Yes, I'm going to go around the world Oh, and listen as the mailman said to the lady with a measles sign on her house you've got something there As you boys know Milton Reynolds holds the record of flying around the world in an airplane Now Castello you're going to break that record Tell me, have you had any experience in the air? Oh, sure, during the war I was an ace I destroyed 19 planes Castello, you destroyed 19 planes? I could never get those darn things off the ground Well, Castello if you will pilot a jet plane around the world in record time you will be the most famous man in the history of aviation Think of it, Castello You'll be a hero Marilyn Maxwell will throw herself at your feet She'll adore you Abbott, I'll pilot that plane around the world on one condition I'll have to have two saxophones a banjo with three thumb bones and a piccolo and a cockpit with me What floor? I fly by instruments Well, Castello get yourself a sponsor with plenty of money to pay for the plane and finance the trip and I'll see you at the airport tomorrow Okay, Mr. Brown Goodbye How are we going, Abbott? Well, we're going to see Mrs. Wetwash and get her to sponsor your trip around the world She's the only one we know is loaded with money She's got plenty of the long green She's got a few of the long red ones, too Alright, never mind that Knock on the door and see if she's home Hello there, Mr. Abbott My, I wonder why the butcher left the tub of lard on my front porch Oh, pardon me It's Castello Mrs. Wetwash I wish you hadn't said that I was just telling Abbott what beautiful hair you've got Oh, thank you Did you notice the little white ribbon in my hair? Oh, is that a ribbon? I thought it was a price tag That was very funny, Castello Why don't you go over to the ostrich farm and show the big birds what a real egg looks like I'd love to see you laugh, Mrs. Wetwash Your teeth sparkle so Oh, they should I see my dentist twice a year Yes, one for each tooth Cut that out, Castello Mrs. Wetwash Castello is going to fly around the world as a publicity stunt and we'd like to have you finance the trip, you know be Castello's sponsor like What's the matter? Did the camel people finally get wise to him? Please, Mrs. Wetwash I gotta make that trip I gotta become famous If you put up the money I'll give you my personal note Oh, very well I'll loan you the money But I'll bet you don't pay me back until I'm 60 Abbott, you must have money back in three days Quiet, Castello Mrs. Wetwash Make out the note, Castello We'll sign it Oh, very well I promise to pay Mrs. Winifred Wetwash $10,000 There you are, Castello Just sign your John Hancock on this line My what? Your John Hancock I'm John Hancock Mrs. Wetwash Don't you know me? I'm Luke Castello I know you're Luke Castello All I want you to do is sign that note Okay, I'll sign it for a minute I thought you didn't recognize me Oh, quit stalling Sign your John Hancock on that note Abbott, call for the police What for? This woman is deliberately and with molasses out for thought attempting to impregnate me at the computing of felony How can you say that? How can you say that? It's easy when you don't know what you're talking about Say your John Hancock I don't mean your John Hancock I mean when you sign Luke Castello that is your John Hancock even though you're Luke Castello Oh, you mean when you say your John Hancock you don't mean your John Hancock You mean when I sign Luke Castello that's my Janehunk, John Hancock Even the... Why don't they make it bigger, Prince? I think it's gas Well, I may be cooking with gas but somebody keeps blowing out my pilot The most big arrest is that lovely Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden Mayor producers of High Barboury for her camel pants everywhere Marilyn sings Mama, tell me, do I gotta Mama, tell me, do I gotta Do I gotta kiss him every night? Mama, tell me what is proper How did you reach a guess? Well, I lose Mama, tell me, do I gotta I don't want my dreams to tatter I don't want this love of mine to skin me kissing because I did Who taught me that a girl should do just what a mother said because what a mother said was what I can't seem to follow Taste and taste for throat is your true proving ground for any cigarette Try a camel and let your T-zone be the judge See if your taste isn't particularly pleased with camel's rich, full flavor See if your throat isn't extra happy with camel's cool mildness Try a camel on your T-zone now According to a recent nationwide survey more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette Free-leading independent research organizations asked this question of 113,597 doctors What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was camel Hey, Castella, Castella I've been looking all over the airport for you I hope you picked a good fast plane for our trip around the world But I got a real fast plane Last night I tested it out and it went 200 miles an hour 200 miles an hour? That's not fast I know, but today they're going to put in the motor I... I don't know why I'm going on this trip with you You know absolutely nothing about aeroplanes I do, too I worked in an airplane factory during the war I used to put girdles on P-40s and make them into P-38s No When did you put girdles on aeroplanes? During the Battle of the Bulge? You know, this is a very important flight Now, we've got to beat Reynolds' record Get your name and all the papers that make you a hero We're taking off in a few minutes Have you checked all the equipment? Yes, it's all in the plane I've got the altimeter the velocimeter the pressure meter and a pair of pink tights What are the pink tights for? I want to look nice when I'm coming down the runway Hi Hi, fellas Hi, Skinny Hi, Skin Skinny, we're about to take off on a trip around the world Castello is going to try and set a new record That's good I'm just about to take off myself on a solo flight If you're going up in a plane what are you doing with that big can of maple syrup? Oh, I'll always take that along in case I have to make a pancake land Hey, Abbott Did you hear that? He takes syrup along for a pancake landing Wasn't that a waffle joke? No, what? We've got to get him some better jokes All right Hey, here comes one of those women reporters She probably wants an interview Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit and Mr. Costello you fought a little more on you Well, Miss I suppose you're here to interview Costello Yes I write all the ocean articles for Collier's Magazine Collier's Magazine Oh, Abbott You know what Collier's Magazine is That's a publication like Look, Pook, Look and Rooter's Digest Isn't all the ocean enchanting? I'll bet you're anxious to hope, oh, for Africa in your strata loaner No I'd rather be booping a loon in a groom-hoon boos to cook a moon-gooom Be dorshing, oh As we say in Spanish You're a mañano instead And your mother's busted parachute and a kisser and he'll do Everything arranged for your trip What a publicity stunt this is going to be I telegraphed to the mayor of New York and the people are getting ready for you to fly over the city What are they doing? Taking down the Empire State Building Wait a minute, Castello Why have you got your goggles around your neck? Dr. Zora's Abbott He told me to goggle my throat Oh, no, no, no I'm trying, Castello Look, they're waving the starting flag Come on Let's get into the plane Control tower to the Luc Castello Jetplane Runway 4 is clear for your takeoff Castello, flip that switch and answer the control tower Okay Castello to control tower We're ready for the takeoff Roger Lewis Oh, Castello, start the motors We're on our way Castello, we're not moving There's something wrong I'll check it Abbott I found a trouble What's holding us back? Is it the motors? Nope There's a piece of chewing gum stuck under the left wheel Oh, boy We're climbing fast This plane can really travel Control tower to Jetplane What is your altitude? 50,000 feet Roger Lewis Hey, Abbott It's getting kind of chilly in here Would you take the wheel a minute? I'll be right back Where are you going? I'm going to climb out there on that wing and turn off one of those big fans Fan! Get back here, you idiot That's the propellers Control tower to Jetplane State your position I'm the comedian on the camel show No, no, no Oh, yes, dummy He wants to know the position of the plane Check your compass Oh, I get it Jetplane to control tower We're flying due east Roger Lewis Lewis What's that guy? I think I am a jerk Roger Lewis Can I straighten that out? Castell, are you sure you laid the course route, right? Better check your charts and see where we are Okay, Abbott This looks strange Hey, Abbott Could you lend me a couple of bucks? Before? According to my figures we're right in front of the $2 window at the Hollywood Park Oh, you're nuts, Castell That's impossible At the fee in front that'll be for a second Coming up fast on the inside Hey, turn off the radio, you idiot Now, keep the plane on the course Keep the throttles open I'm going to take a nap Don't call me unless you need me Hey, Abbott, wake up We're running out of gas All right, Castella I'll take the controls and we'll make a landing All right, Castella Jump out and let's see where we are Hey, Abbott Just as I thought we're lost We're lost in a strange land My This is a peculiar-looking place Look, there's something moving over there It's a native Question on it And see if you can find out what country this is Okay Hey, you Meet Castello Meet Flight Great Airplane around the world Meet Lost Could you tell me what strange land Meet in You're in Glendale, you jerk Glendale Yeah Hey, look Here comes Mr. Brown our publicity man Well, Castella I want to congratulate you on your magnificent achievement You have made a great contribution to science You mean I've flown around the world in the shortest time? No But you went from Los Angeles to Glendale Think of it Sixty-seven hours to go three-and-a-half miles If you hear that it's in the Glendale bus Oh, get over there Well, we'll be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarette During the war the makers of Camel Cigarette sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead This week the camels go to Veterans Hospital Roanoke, Virginia U.S. Army Old Farms Convalescent Hospital Avan, Connecticut U.S. Naval Hospital San Diego, California U.S. Marine Hospital Buffalo, New York and Veterans Hospital Temple, Texas Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week Our rebroadcast are practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America And now back to Bud Abbott and Luke Costello Well, Costello, you were a flop again tonight But I have an idea how you can impress Merrill and Maxwell Now, next week I'm going to get you a job as a lifeguard down at the ocean Oh, fine, Abbott I know all about the ocean I just read a book called How to Feed Sharks Who wrote it? A guy called Three-Fingered Pete Oh, good night Oh, good night Good night everybody Next Thursday night And hear what happens when Bud Abbott and Luke Costello get a job as a lifeguard We don't know what flavor they'll be but a lot of things can happen So don't miss it Pipe smokers when a pipe tobacco tastes rich and full-flavored when it smokes cool and mild that's real smoking enjoyment And that's Prince Albert Prince Albert is crimped cut to burn slow and even to smoke cool It's specially treated to ensure against tongue bite Try Prince Albert Learn why more pipes smoke it than any other tobacco Ever hear Grand Ole Opry on NBC Saturday night? Well, it's great fun with Red Foley singing our favorite folk songs Mini Pearl and Rod Brassfield for laughs And this week has read special guest that little musical bell Rosalie Allen That's Grand Ole Opry on NBC Saturday night Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camo Cigarettes And remember Experience is the best teacher Try a Camo Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camo's than ever before This is Michael Roy in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camo for the Eddie Carter show This is NBC The National Broadcasting Company