 Welcome to Your Orientation. I'm Agent Max Lombardi. I am your instructor on account that my legs broken and someone in personnel hates me. Now, you're here because the possibility exists that you are not jackass and could be useful in the containment of anomalous items what are gonna try to kill you. So, let's start with the basic mission. We're out to find weird shit and bring it back and then contain it. You're more scholarly colleagues are the ones who study it from behind bulletproof glass and about how hard their job is. They are receiving a similar briefing in room 67. They got donuts and coffee in there just in case you was hoping there might be some modicum of justice in this cold uncaring bitch of a universe. Anyway, some of use is gonna be retrieval like me while others are gonna be containment. You might even switch around sometimes. Retrieval generally is preceded by investigation by Intel. Intel who also have coffee and donuts. In case you're wondering how far the budget stretches. We'll go forth, find leads, gather facts, and then tell you sweet fuck all. On receipt of this, dearth of information, you will go out to exotic locales where you will be forbidden from stopping and having a drink or conversing with locals what aren't trying to kill you. You will go to where Intel tells you the whatever the fuck is. An agent much higher on the food chain than you will go and talk to people for the purpose of figuring out what's going on. Do not envy this agent. It goes wrong. He's in the worst possible place. Anyway, once he gives the go ahead, the rest of the team comes in and takes out the skip as quiet as possible. Skip, by the way, is what we call said anomalous entities. I'm sure I don't need to tell you where it comes from. Now, sometimes skips don't come along so quiet as we would like. I mean sure, maybe it's a nice inanimate object that don't hurt no one. Or some guy who don't even want to go around free if he's hurting someone. Most of the time it's something easy. But sometimes it's something that really don't want to come along quite like. And it has the means to enforce its wishes. So apply stronger coercion. Ideally, Intel will have figured out what this skip can take and you can proceed directly to enough firepower to knock a loopy. Ideally, we would have donuts and coffee. Since we usually go in knowing jack shit, you start off with your bare hands and work up from there. Now at a certain point, it looks like you're gonna have to choose between catching the skip and coming home on your own two feet. Who here is willing to die rather than give up on the mission? One, two, three, four. Okay, you five, fail. Count on what some dingbats will tell you, the latter is actually the preferred option. Capturing skips is the name of the game. But finding agents who can actually do the fucking job is hard and you can always catch more skips later on. Your best option is to run the fuck up away. That way, they can always send someone else in to get the fuck if you can't. And it comes down to a life or limb decision. That's when you pull out your gun and you shoot the fucker. If that don't work, you shoot it again. Because 99 times out of 100, shooting will work if you do enough of it. This don't mean you got leave to shoot anything that moves cuz Agent Lombardi told you so. You do it when you gotta. We aim to bring these things in whole and intact. But if that ain't gonna happen, the foundation was settled for a study and was left. So that was the basics of retrieval. The rest of you were gonna be involved in containment. Now containment is in some ways easier. You know where the skip is and hopefully you got some idea of what the damn thing does and how to stop it. However, there are some complications. First off, the skip might be watching you too, depending on how smart it is. That means it's got a better idea of what we can do. It gets out, it's gonna know what the uniform means and who's likely to be armed. It's also gonna be pissed. Ideally, it is more pissed of the guys in white coats sticking needles into it. But it might remember it was your buddies who rolled it up and brought it there. Also, unless you're at a single skip side, if you get loose, it might let other shit get out too. And suddenly you're dealing with five or six skips instead of just one. Now, they might just start fighting among themselves, but you're gonna have to go in the middle of all that to break them up. And they just ain't gonna play along. Also, remember how I said, most of the time, retrieval is going after something harmless? Yeah, you don't get that luxury. Sure, some of the skips you guard and are safe, but some of them will rip your head off and scoop out your brains. And you're around them every fucking day. This is especially true if you're at one of them single skip sides I mentioned, because they don't put them kind of resources to work to watch the f***ing vending machine. So that's life as an agent for ya. Questions? You with the glasses and the turtleneck? How weird? Well, I once saw a guy have his bones turned into jelly. Grape jelly. Yes, they did test. They all came back grape. Not weird enough? A guy with a bus cut. Shoot. Who decides what we go after? Generally, it'll be a side director in charge of retrieval. Ultimately, it goes up to the O5 council, but they're really more into general strategy than day-to-day operations. Okay, you with the messed up piercing? I don't know where the s*** it comes from. It's Intel's job to figure that s*** out. Please refer back to my previous statements on Intel. Red shirt, third row. Health benefits? They're great if you come back alive. We've got the best doctors on the planet. If it's possible to get you back on your feet again, they'll do it. Yes, you in the back. With the duck. The upside of the job? Well, for one thing, we get paid pretty good. For another, if we don't do the job, the world will probably end. That ain't a joke. Seriously, somebody has to do this job. Don't you wanna live to see tomorrow? Good choice. Okay, Tavi, what's your question? How do you get in one of the groups with the coffee and tonuts? You go f*** yourself, that's how. Okay, the skinny twerp with the goatee. Clef? He's a researcher slash agent and slash. I don't know what the f***. Seriously, most of the stories you hear about him are bull s***. The rest are also bull s***, but maybe based on something that kinda happened once if you squint. In any case, you ain't Clef, so don't get any ideas. When you've been around a while, then you can start thinking about emulating him, except you'll be too smart to. Okay, the dame by the door. The monkey. That's Dr. Bright. He's armless. That being said, you got a taser. He has genitalia. You do the math. So that concludes my briefing. Since you've been so good, I arrange to get punchin' cookies. It ain't as good as coffee and donuts, but hey, ours ain't full of laxatives. End of file. To learn more about the SCP Foundation, subscribe to SCP Orientation today and turn the notification bell on so you don't miss any of our videos.