 That's right, folks. See for comedy, Luke Costello. Put them all together and they spell Camel. Is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel Show starring but Aberdeen, Luke Costello. Hey, Aberdeen. I just came from the movies. They were showing a wild Bill Elliot question. I never saw so much shooting in my life. Oh, never mind that. Bang, bang, bang, bang. How in the world did you get that big hole in your hat? I was sitting so close to the screen that wild Bill Elliot mistook me for one of the wrestlers and I got hit by a stray bullet. Ah, you idiot. Why do you always go to those Western movies? Because my next picture is going to be a Western, Aberdeen. And I'm going to be a bad man. I can see myself now holding up the bank. I got a gun in each hand, a handkerchief tied across my nose. Why do you have the handkerchief tied across your nose? I may have to blow in a hurry. After I stick up the bank, after I stick up the bank, I'll climb on my old faithful old sombrero. Stick my six shooters into my holsteins. Tie my chaps around my throat, twirl my correll over my head and right off into the old bandanas. Ah, wait a minute. What does that mean, Castella? How should I know? That's cowboy talk. That should be some picture, Castella. Who's going to be your leading lady? Marilyn Maxwell. Marilyn, dear old Marilyn. Marilyn plays the part of the richest girl in the Western. She's got thousands of head of cattle. I know, and you try to win her just to get possession of her cattle. Shame on you, Abbott. Do I look like the kind of a guy that would marry a girl for her prime ribs? Lucky you. Lucky you, Nedwitt. If you want Marilyn Maxwell to make a Western picture with you, why don't you make her the star? Do a classic Western story. That's a great idea, Abbott. We'll film the story of Annie Oakley. Do you know the story? Certainly, I know it. Annie Oakley was a very famous girl. She was a very famous girl. Where was she born? She was... Where was she born? Where was she born? She was born in a town of Wyoming that was named after her, the town of Bashful. Bashful? Bashful Wyoming was named after Anne. Sure, ain't you ever heard of Cheyenne? Cheyenne? Now look, Abbott, from now on keep your big mouth shut because I gotta finish the story. Okay, go ahead. Now, one day when Annie was a little girl, she looked out the window and she saw her father shooting a sheriff. And he was scared. So she immediately said... You mean the sheriff was in jeopardy? Yes. Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh. Could I have that again? I said the sheriff was in jeopardy. Yes, he was a jeopardy sheriff. Jep... Boy, did I get out of that one. Abbott, why don't you let me tell us? Now you get out of here. Go on over to the craft music hall and show them what a real hunk of cheese looks like. Oh, no. Go ahead with your story. Okay, now one day Annie was eating a big bowl of cornflakes, her father rushed in screaming, Annie, I found nuggets down by the creek. No, no, no, you mean he screamed, I found a bonanza. Yeah, he screamed what? Bonanza, bonanza. How do you like that? Now he's putting bonanzas and screaming on the cornflakes. I understand. You see, little... In the story, the father found a bonanza and he split it with Annie. Yeah, they had a bonanza split. Uh... Yeah, that's... Shut up! Laughing before a supposed to laugh. Now Annie decided to go prospecting, so she put a solid gold saddle on her horse and rode away. Wait a minute. Why did she ride on a solid gold saddle to go prospecting? Of course, every time the horse hit a bump, she struck it rich. She's like... Oh, stop this silly stuff, Castella. You should be ashamed of yourself cooking up a ridiculous story like that for a picture to star Marilyn Maxwell. I'm sorry, Abbott. You should be. But I love Marilyn. I'm trying to figure some way to make a hit with her. Well, I don't blame you, Lou. She really is a lovely wife. I could fall for her myself. Abbott, at your age, you don't fall. You collapse. Ah! There's only one thing wrong with our romance, Abbott. What is that? She's penny-wise. Marilyn is penny-wise? Yes, I ain't got a penny and she's wise to it. Oh! Hey, look! It's Marilyn Maxwell. Louis. Louis, I wonder if you could come over to my house in the morning and take me out for a driving lesson. Oh, you bet. Hey, Abbott, she loves me. You do love me, don't you? Say that you adore me. Say that you're mad about me. Uh-huh. Say that you think I'm wonderful, that you dream of me every night, that you think I'm adorable. Mm-hmm. And I'm the handsome, the sweetest, cutest, dearest little dumpling in the world. Mm-hmm. Oh, Marilyn, you say the nicest things. Well, I've got to go now. Don't forget, Louis. Tomorrow you're going to take me for a driving lesson. Goodbye! Oh, Abbott, isn't she wonderful? She gets so much out of a goodbye. I don't know. She's not the only saying on the beach. Well, she says goodbye. That sends me. She's not the only saying on the beach to me. Yes, but she's so nicely piled. Ah, yes. You idiot. Why did you promise to give her a driving lesson? You don't even have a driver's license yourself. I don't need one, Abbott. I haven't even got a car. And another thing. No car? No. This is terrible, Abbott. You've got to help me out. How could I teach Marilyn a drive without a car? Ah, don't get excited. I'll stick to you and help you out. We'll just have to rent a car. When can we get one? A U-Drive. Me drive? No. U-Drive. I said I drive. You don't drive it. I drive it. Drive what? A U-Drive. Why should I drive when you want to drive? I'm going to drive. Look, Castella, I'm renting a U-Drive and I drive it. Then we both drive it. No, no. We do nothing of the kind. I drive. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I drive, although it's a U-Drive. Oh, when you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. You mean you drive because I don't drive. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Now look, Abbott, you go to a place to rent a car. Yes. And you are driving the car. Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in front of me? No. Then you're positive that I'm not driving. I'm positive. And you're driving the car. Yes. All right. What kind of a car are you driving? You drive. Somebody better be driving. Look, I'm trying to explain this. We go out and we rent a car. Right. Where are we going to get it? U-Drive Company. Now I drive company. I've got UI in Maryland. We're going all alone. You don't understand. It's Hertz U-Drive. Well, if it hurts, you drive. Now that's right. That's right. This is getting worse. Don't you see the head of the company's Hertz? That's too bad. What hurts them? Nothing hurts them. Every company has a head. Naturally. Now this company's heads hurts. I'm taking aspirin. Listen, Castella. It's Hertz. You drive all over the country. If it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive Maryland Maxwell and get hurts? Both of us are liable to get hurts. No. Bad. No, you won't. You won't get hurt. It's Hertz Company. Hertz Company? Yes. But I don't want to hurt nobody. Look at it. Will you go with me to Maryland's house tomorrow? Why? Well, her mother thinks I'm the biggest jerk in the world. So? I want Hertz to get a good look at you. Hertz is the best teacher. Remember during the war when the man who sold you cigarettes would sometimes shake his head the moment he saw you? Then, as he said, Too bad, Joe. No camels today. You answered with resignation. All right. Give me whatever you've got then. I feel like an experimental station for cigarette brands. I've smoked so many kinds during this shortage. Yes. And trying all those different kinds of cigarettes during the wartime shortage sold you more than ever on camels, didn't it? And friends, that experience was repeated throughout America. The experience of smoking whatever brands they could get taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. Then, smokers' T zones, that's T for taste and T for throat, tried more cigarette brands than they'd normally try in a lifetime. The result was that smokers found they were happiest with camels rich flavor and cool mildness. Today, more people smoke camels than ever before. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Now while you light up a camel, skinny and a sing, gotta get me somebody to love. Like so long, oh so long on the prairie Gotta get me somebody to love Gotta find one who's kind and not contrary One who rides by my side hand in glove I got my heart, got a silver saddle But there's one thing I keep thinking of Like so long, oh so long on the prairie Gotta get me somebody to love See how that moon shines so bright a bar I gotta get me somebody to love Miss, we couldn't rent a car. Let's ask Mrs. Wetwash. You know Mrs. Wetwash. If she lend you one of her cars, what do you say? Morning, Mr. Rabbit. Why aren't you a little old to be carrying a balloon? Oh, pardon me, it's Castello. Mrs. Wetwash, you really look sharp today. But isn't that a nod? Dress your wearing? Oh, it's just a little thing I wear to tease. Tease who? Boris Koloff? Mrs. Wetwash, Castello would like to borrow one of your cars. He has a date to teach Marilyn Maxwell to drive. And he wants to put on a big front, you know. Big front? Yeah. He'd better get a wheelbarrow to carry the one he's got now. Chasing that Marilyn Maxwell. What's wrong with me? My late husband always said I had an hourglass figure. Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you ought to stand on your head and let the sand run back. Look, Mrs. Wetwash, you're a kind lady. Well, just last night, I dreamed that you loaned me one of your cars. Well, when you dream tonight, drive carefully. You know, Rabbit, I got a sneaky feeling that she ain't gonna lend me her car. Oh, never mind her, Castello. We've got to get a car. Hey, look, here comes skinny ass. Let's ask him. Hey, skinny, I wonder if you would like to... Oh, no, Castello. I ain't going to lend you my car. How did you know I was gonna ask you? I read a script last night. It's all out of fat, though. Rabbit, remind me to get that skinny ass back to Bobbo. Never mind him. Stand six points. Never mind him. Now, look, if you're going to teach Marilyn to drive, there's only one thing to do. Buy a new car. Now, look, Rabbit, you know he ain't got enough money to buy a 1946 car. Oh, you don't have to pay all cash. You just put up a down payment. I put up a down payment? That's right. Where do I put it up? The place where you put it down. Make up your mind, Rabbit. Do I put it up or do I put it down? When you put it up, you're putting it down. You mean I put it up and put it down at the same time? That's right. What am I buying? A car or a yo-yo? No, no, no. You tell me it's very simple. In order to put up payment up, you've got to put it down. So you see when it's down and then you put it down and you've got to put it down. So you see when it's down and it's up? How can it be down if it's out? It's only up if you put it down. Just a second. I'm going to buy a new car, right? Right. What do I put down? The jack. And what do I put up? The jack. How do you like that? I ain't even got a car yet. This mugs got me jacking it up and down. You idiot, come with me, please. We're doing this new car agency and I'll show you how to buy a new car. Hey, Rabbit, look at all those new cars. This guy has so many 1947 cars, you'd think he was a used car dealer. Afternoon, gentlemen. What can I do for you? I'm Dr. Choker. Do you have to be a doctor to sell automobiles? Well, you see, I make all the new deliveries. My friend, Castella, would like to buy a 1947 car. Oh, fine. Something around $3,500? Or would you like to spend a little more and get it to the medium-priced field? Hey, Rabbit, this guy puts it up before you can put it down. Now, here's a lovely model. The back seat makes up into a bed and you can sleep in it. Oh, a poor snore she did. Just look at the advantages. Yes, look at the advantages of this car, Mr. Castello. You've got a radio heater, sun visor, and lights. There are headlights, back-up lights, rear lights, parking lights, search lights. What's the search light for? Let's define the switch to put on the headlights. Then it's got fog lights, smog lights, and hog lights. That's in case you're on a country road and a pig runs in front of you. That will take it. Good. Now, of course, you'll need seat covers. How about these red seat covers? They'll do. And you'd better give me a set of blue ones, too. What for? To keep the red seat covers from getting dirty. Well, we're ready to close the deal now. Put up the down payment. Then you're paid up when you put it down till the next down payment comes up. Let's not get into that again. Yeah, take my 50 bucks. 50 dollars. 50 dollars. Young man, you're in the wrong department. Step through that door onto the lot and walk south. The further south you walk, the cheaper the cars get. Keep going till you get to the 50 dollar car. Come on, Costello. There's the 42s, 1941s, 1940s, 1939s, 1923s, 1920s, 1919s, 1917s. Abbott, I'm tired. Ask that salesman over there in the big straw hat where the cheaper cars are. Hey, you, where are the 50 dollar cars? Two miles south in Mexico City. How do you like that? We walked all the way to Mexico, Abbott. Take any car we can get. Not a foot. Here's the very fine car, senior. They not make cars like that today. They'd be crazy if they did. What kind of car is it? There's the original Kaiser car. Who's that old guy with the black mustache sitting in the front seat? That is the Kaiser. If you like this car, you can put up the down payment. What's that? How was that? If you put up your 50 pesos, your down payment will be up. How do you like that, Abbott? How do you like our routines in Mexico? Camel presents lovely Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden Mayor, producers of The Beginning or The End. For Camel Fans Everywhere, here's Marilyn to sing The Basin's Street Blues. Won't you come along with me down the Mississippi? We'll take a boat to the land of dreams and down the river down to New Orleans The bands there to meet us and on earth they call it Basin Street to be Yeah, aren't you glad you came with me? When you smoke a cigarette, you are consciously or unconsciously testing it on your T-zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. You're a true proving ground for any cigarette. And there's where camels make a hit right on your T-zone. Try a camel and see. See if your taste doesn't especially go for camel's rich, full-bodied flavor of choice tobaccos. See if your throat doesn't approve camel's cool mildness, then you'll understand why so many doctors like camels. You know, three leading independent research organizations asked 113,597 doctors what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was camel. Yes? According to a recent nationwide survey more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Look, Abbott, there's the place where you get a driver's license. Over there. Now, Costello, when you go in there, you must act with dignity. That's right up my alley. And you must act with confidence. That's right up my alley. And you must know the answers to all the traffic laws in California. Set them up in the other alley. Look, you dummy, you've got to get a license if you're going to teach Marilyn Maxwell how to drive. Yes, Abbott. And when I get her into the car, I'm going to propose to her and I'm going to give her my cat's eye ring. A cat's eye ring? Sure. I bought her through an ad in the paper. It said, where this cat's eye ring and your house will be full of love. And is your house full of love? No, it's full of cats. I... Come on, now let's see which one of these offices issues a driver's license? Costello, here. Try that door over there. Okay. I won't run for mayor anymore. I'll never run for mayor any more. Who was that? Louis B. Mayer's horse, busher. Come on, Costello. Marilyn's waiting for us. We've got to find out where to get that driver's license. I'll ask that woman over there. Pardon me, miss. Can you tell me where the driver's license is? Well, if it isn't Mr. Abbott and Mr. Costello. Oh. Hello, you fought, little monu. I didn't expect to find you here. We didn't expect to find you here. Oh, we wouldn't have been here. Quiet, Costello. What brings you here, miss? Oh, I stopped by to get new licenses for my two automobiles. My pie mouth and my hootson. Pie mouth and hootson. Oh, Abbott. That's like a stewed booger or a pootier. I must be totaling along. As they say in Spanish, Lleweta Parascuda in la vista to you. And a wet barracuda in the kitchen to you too. Hey, Costello, there's the license inspector. Tell them what you want. Go ahead. Mr. I want a driving license. Very well. Step right up here. What's your name? Lewis. John L. or Strangler? No, no. Look, mister, this is Lou Costello. Oh, yes. Now I recognize you and you're Mr. Abbott. Yeah, that's right. Well, yeah. Well, I always listen to you on the radio. Oh, you're so funny. Why, my wife and I almost die laughing. You know, especially when you open that closet and all this stuff falls out. Many. That's not us. You're thinking of Burns and Allen. I know Burns and Allen. He's the one that always hollers, Hey! Look, Gracie, I mean Abbott. Will you tell this guy I want a driver's license? Oh, yes, yes. Now, first of all, I'll give you the eye test. We insist on perfect vision. Now let's see. Where are you? I'm standing over here. Oh, oh, yes, yes. All right, Mr. Costello. Your left hand over your right eye. Left? Right. Wait a minute, make up your mind. Right or left? Costello is very simple. A man wants you to put your right hand over your left eye, which leaves your right eye left. Oh, oh, oh. He wants me to put my left hand on my right eye because the one on the left is right and that's the only one left. That's right. Well, which is it? Right or left? Look, you cover your left eye. Yes. Now, your right eye is left. How did it get over there? Idiot, your eyes don't move. Who am I? Influence? Boys, boys. Now, I'll make it easy for you. Costello puts both hands over both eyes. That's it? Yeah. Now, are you sure you can't see anything? I can't see a thing. Now, no fair peeking. Pom-pom-pom-cookity-cook. Where she lists her back and go. Shall I go east? Shall I go west? Shall I go under the cuckoo's nest? This is what... A busy, busy man. Here's your driver's license. Goodbye. Well, let's go, Costello. Now you're ready to take Marilyn Maxwell for a driving lesson. Hey, Costello, there's Marilyn waiting at the curb for us. Ah, there you are, Lewis, honey. Well, I'm all ready to go. Say, how do you get into this car? Wait a minute, and I'll open the door for you. Hop in. Now, Marilyn. Now, keep your eye on me, and you'll see me really do some driving. First, I step on this, release that, press this, and step on a gas. Costello, what happened? I'll tell you as soon as I climb back into the front seat. Yes, we're coming to a stoplight. Apply your brakes. Lewis, did you step on the brakes too hard? I wasn't born with this windshield wiper on my forehead. Ah, please now. Please, Lewis, drive a little slower. Isn't this beautiful, romantic country? Costello, now's your chance. Go ahead and kiss her. Marilyn, would you mind if I... Would you? Would you? I know, Lewis, you want to kiss me. All right, go ahead. Well, aren't you going to kiss me? Marilyn, my bad self tells me to kiss you. My good self tells me not to. Well, what do I do? Look out, Costello. Watch where you're going. There's a fork on the road by that big red barn. Don't worry. Either I'll take the road to the left or the road to the right. Lewis, make up your mind. I will. I can go to the left or go to the right. Or through the barn. Lewis, I'm so sorry. You smashed your car all to bits. Yes. And now I won't be able to give you any more lessons about driving a car. But, Lewis, I know how to drive a car. I wanted you to take me to the country club. I want to learn to drive a golf ball. Howdy, you little... Costello, we'll be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarette. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarette sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to service men's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Bedford, Massachusetts, USAAF Station Hospital, Fairfield, California, US Naval Hospital, Charleston, South Carolina, US Marine Hospital, Galveston, Texas, and Veterans Hospital, Thomasville, Georgia. Camel road casts go out to the United States three times a week. Our re-broad press to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, back to Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. Well, Costello, you smashed your car, but don't worry. You can deduct the loss from your income tax. Abbott, do you know anybody that can help me with my tax? Oh, certainly. Next Thursday, I'll get my brother to help you. You know, he works in the bank. Oh, yes. My mother told me to ask you, Abbott. What does your brother do in a bank? Teller. I will, if you'll tell me. I just told you. You told me what? Teller. How can I tell her if you won't tell me? I just told you tell her. Tell her in the bank. Tell her in the bank? Why can't I tell her at home? I'll get him out of here. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. Listen to Ableton Costello next week. And here, Luke Costello makes his income tax assisted by Butt Abbott's brother, who's a teller in the bank. Don't tell anybody that I told you he's a teller because I promise not to tell anybody he's a teller, and I wouldn't want to be known as a teller who tell. Mr. Pipe Smoker, does your pipe have pipe appeal? Does it delight your taste with a rich full flavor of its tobacco? Does it please your tongue because it smokes cool and mild? You'll answer with a resounding yes if you're smoking Prince Albert in your pipe. Prince Albert's ripe, mild tobacco, especially treated to ensure against tongue bite. It's crimped cut to burn slow and cool. Yet, Prince Albert for a pipe appeal. Make a date with Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry Saturday night on NBC. You'll find new delight in American folk songs the way Red Foley sings them. The Duke of Paducah and Minnie Pearl and many others will also be on hand. That's Saturday night for Grand Ole Opry with Red Foley. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Ableton Costello show. The Ableton Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. C-A-M-P-L-S. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel. They tune now for the Eddie Cantor show. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.