 Subhanahu wa ta'ala in the Qur'an he says that ومن آياته أنا خرق لكم من أم فوسكم أزواجه from amongst his signs he created from amongst you that he created mates بتسكنوا إليها in order that you might find Sakina or tranquility in that relationship between a male and a female وجع لبينكم موعدة ورحمة and he puts amongst you موعدة which is a specific type of love in the Arabic language the Arabs have many words for love there's over ten types of love that the linguists identified in the Arabic language but موعدة is a specific type of love it's الودود is one of the names of God it's a love that is not conditioned it's an unconditional type of love that somebody shows to another person the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said تزوج الودود marry fertile loving mates fertile loving mates so موعدة is different from عشق which is erotic love it's different from محبة even موعدة is a would is something that God promises to put amongst the believers is would it's a very specific type of love so الله سبحانه وتعنى says that he created mates in order that you find tranquility and in order that you also express this موعدة and this رحمة mercy and then he says in this are signs for people who reflect deeply يتفكرون the in the in the Arabic language تفاعل in Arabic means to struggle with something تفاعل in Arabic يتكلف يتحمل يتصبر it's where you struggle with something when an Arab says تحمل it means he bore it but with difficulty so when it says it's for people who think deeply who ponder who ponder the meanings of things so الله سبحانه وتعنى says in this verse that he created amongst us pairs and he did that in order that we get this tranquility now in Arabic the word for home or the damasail is مسكن that's one of the word the Arabs say baits بات يبيتو بياتن it means to spend the night so the bait is the place you spend the night دار from دارة تدورو it's a place where you are moving about it's a place where you do your things but مسكن is a very specific type of word in Arabic because the the Quran says مساكن ترضونها you have houses that you enjoy that you're pleased with there's a river there's contentment so مسكن in the Arabic language is called اسم مكان it's the place of سكنة it's the place that you find سكنة سكنة is the opposite of حركة it's a stillness it's a place you find stillness or tranquility so the the damasail in the Arabic language is the place for سكنة it's the place you're meant to find tranquility now one of the major problems that human beings suffer from is violence this is a human problem you find it in every part of the world you even find it in the animal kingdom biologists and people that study animals zoologists used to think that wars were specific to humans that animals didn't really have wars they fought they were violent but they didn't have wars but then they discovered that there are actually animals out there species of biological life that have wars ants there are types of ants that have wars they take slaves so war is part of the natural order of things violence now civilization attempts to regulate violence that's why you have laws you can have international laws international laws of the muslims called it seer in fact in in a book called the history of bombing which is a history of using aerial warfare the scholar that wrote that book said the first person to actually put down a system of international laws in regarding warfare between nations was Abu Hanifa Anu Amman a non muslim scholar who said the first person to regulate or to attempt to regulate warfare was Abu Hanifa but we know it was the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam because that's where Abu Hanifa got his ideas from civilization attempts to regulate violence because it knows that humans are going to become violent but you have to do something with the violence so how do you regulate violence so there are laws you have coercive laws every government uses violence a policeman carries a gun why because he's ready to use it to prevent harm so violence is used to prevent harm in a civilized environment in an uncivilized or barbaric environment it's used to inflict harm and this is the difference between the civilized and the uncivilized the civilized will resort to violence to prevent harm or to stop harm and the barbaric will resort to violence as a means of achieving their ends now when you have a domestic situation the purpose that human beings come together cannot be reduced to one purpose there's nothing that says for instance that the purpose of marriage is procreation even though you'll find that i think it's a misguided statement in in books on islam because that is not the primary purpose the primary purpose is actually taxin al farj it's to protect yourself by finding a tranquility in another person so that you don't become bestial so it's actually a civilizing force marriage is part of the civilizing process it's the way people become more human it civilizes human beings when they enter into a marital contract and that's why when children are brought into the world both partners accept responsibility for those children now generally the male accepts the responsibility of maintenance and this is why in the Quran it says ar-rijal qawamun ar-nisa men are maintainers of women ibn ashur the great muslim scholar from tunisia probably i think the most significant scholar of the twentieth century but that's obviously debatable ibn ashur in his tafsir says that this verse does not mean that all men take care of all women but this is the norm and the Quran speaks to people based on norms there are women who take care of men and we witness that every day there are men who get sick and wives who will work to support their husbands for whatever reasons you have deadbeat dads you have husbands that don't work and the woman goes out and works a woman came to the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam and said to the prophet what do you say about a woman who supports her husband he said she has two rewards the reward of maintenance and then the reward of charity because it's not an obligation for her so even at the time of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam there were women who supported their husband we also know that khadija was an independent merchant the prophet's wife was an independent merchant we know that about her she actually supported the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam even though he earned his livelihood he worked for her but she was the one who was hiring him so you have these situations now in a domestic environment the purpose of a domestic environment is in order for the human project to come to fruition now there are many dimensions to the human project but the single and primary dimension is the spiritual dimension according to our belief so part of the reason for marriage is that you take a partner in order for the two of you to work toward that goal of becoming pleasing to your Lord and that's why there are many hadiths that Allah loves marriage Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala loves people coming together Allah loves that families are built Allah loves to see a man exhausted at the end of the day who's earning livelihood to support his family the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said that the real jihad is supporting your family he said the one who supports his parent or his child that that is jihad struggling in the way of Allah now that is the primary purpose and then there's also the companionship that you need ishrah what the Arabs call ishrah wa'ashiruhunna the ma'ruv live with them in the best way with the women that you take as mates live with them with ma'ruv with what's good what's known and then there's also children which is one of the great blessings of coming together family it extends you have grandchildren hafada the Arabs call the grandfather jad and jadda grandmother meaning wealthy dul jad also you jad did it renews their lineage so what happens then when things go wrong what happens when things go wrong in a family there are times when the family goes wrong Allah says in the Quran that he created you in pairs in order that you might live together harmoniously but Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says things can go wrong because he says in imra'atun khafat min ba'liha nushuza aw i'rada faradunaha alayhima an yusliha that if a woman fears some type of harm from her husband or neglect i'rada neglect then there's no sin on them to try to work out some amicable situation and Allah says wa'sulhu khayr to work things out to come to some type of resolution is a good thing wa'uhbira til anfusa shuha but greed avarice covetousness is part of human nature so there's a warning in there wa'intuhsina wa tattakoo but if you have ihsan and if you have taqwa if you are pious of God God knows what you're doing and will reward you so right there in the verse it tells you that it's good to come to some amicable agreement but beware of your own human nature alayya'lumu man khalaq wa huwa latifur khabiyah doesn't he know the one who created and this is why in in marriage relations when one wants to get out of the marriage often o hadiratil anfusa shuha suddenly somebody gets covetous he doesn't want anybody to have that person that he had he thinks it's a possession of his this is what happened this is what the Quran is warning us about and Allah says later in that same section he says wain yatafarraqa and if they should separate yugni lahu kullan min sa'ati God will enrich each one of them from his bounty that sometimes it's necessary to divorce layafraku mu'minun mu'mina that not a believing man despise a believing woman if he dislikes one quality he should love other qualities in other words focus on the positive but sometimes you have to separate you have to go your separate ways because not everybody is compatible not everybody has sakina not everybody has mawadda has this unconditional love not everybody has mercy this is part of human nature but the one thing that God does not allow is oppression ya'ibadi inni ja'adtu haramtu al-dhulma'ala nafsih wa ja'adtu hubeinakum muharama farata walamu oh my servant I have prohibited oppression upon myself out of his bounty God can do whatever he pleases I have prohibited oppression from my own self and I have made it prohibited amongst you so do not oppress one another how many pharaohs are there and how many asias are there asias the wife of pharaon living in a domestic violent situation pharaon is a tyrant he thinks he's God there's men who think they're God like madjazi khuda you know in ordu madjazi khuda it means like madjazi is is madjazi in arabic is like metaphorical khuda is God the husband becomes like a God where is that? that's not Islam what is that? that's not Islam it has nothing to do with Islam it's jahlia it's patriarchal jahlia it's from a previous generation that still has to remove itself from humanity so this is a major problem that we have on the globe domestic violence now unfortunately if a christian beats his wife up it's not christian violence if a jew beats his wife up and from what the statistics show that doesn't happen very often but if they do it's not jewish violence if a hindu beats his wife up it's not hindu violence but if a muslim should do something to his wife suddenly it has something to do with the religion of Islam it has something to do with the religion of Islam those muslims what's wrong with that religion? it teaches people to be violent even the Quran, look at the Quran it encourages domestic violence and then they pull out the verse first of all, before you can even understand the Quran you have to give 20 years of your life to study 20 years of your life to study, I'm not making this up you read the conditions of tafsir there are 12 knowledges that you have to master before you can comment on the Quran that's the first thing so people pick out verses even translations there's translations in the Quran, verse 34 it says that if you fear some kind of disobedience from your wives it says if you fear, that's not what it means that's not what it means in Arabic all of the mufassirun are in agreement that it means if a woman has entered into a state of gross disobedience and this doesn't mean disobedience to her husband disobedience to God then the husband is told first to du'a'u wa'iduhunna to admonish them to tell them please don't do this and then it says wa'iduhunna fin madadja then it says that leave them in the beds don't have intimacy with them now the third in that verse says wa'iduhunna it uses a word darb in the Arabic language now unfortunately the Arab, most Arab because I spent a lot of time in the Arabic world most Arabs do not know Quranic Arabic they know their own whatever they speak, ammiya, darija most do not know Quranic Arabic words in Arabic have many many meanings the word darb in Arabic has several meanings for instance in the Quran Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala says faraqa alayhim darbim bil yameen about Ibrahim alayhi s-salam he went to the idols and struck them with his right hand that's what it said the Quran also says yadribun afid ard they strike the earth in other words they travel the Quran says duribat alayhim ad-dillatu wal maskena they suffered humiliation and impoverishment duribat it doesn't mean that humiliation and poverty started beating them up but they were knocked down by it so it's used metaphorically the Quran says that the angels yadribuna wujuhahum wa ad-barahum the hypocrites they get their faces they smite their faces and their backs but it also says darab allahu methalan God strikes a similitude it's used as a metaphor so in Arabic this word can mean many many different things so what does it mean in the verse? well first of all you have to understand the verse according to ibn ashur was actually designed to eliminate domestic violence and that is why the great irony is it's used to justify domestic violence because nobody and anybody that tells you violence against your own spouse is justifiable in Islam is not only a liar but he's absolutely disparaging the messenger of Allah who was sent as a mercy to all the world and certainly a mercy to women so to say that this means that you can beat your wife that you can be violent in your own home a place where she should feel safer than any other place how could that have anything to do with ma'ar salnaka illa rahmatillal alameen we only sent you as a mercy to all the world how can that have anything to do with a man about whom his companion said lam yadrib rasulullahi imraatan wa la ghulaman wa la wa la danqat the messenger of Allah never struck a woman a child or a servant ever sallallahu alayhi sallam wa la qad qanada kum fi rasulillahi uswatu n'hasana and you have in the messenger of Allah the best example you have in the messenger of Allah the best example so what does that verse mean? first of all the ulema say the wow there which normally does not benefits the tartif in other words that it actually means you do this then you do this then you do this first of all i guarantee you nobody has ever hit their wife working out some progressive thing well first i'll try this and then i'll try this and then i'll try this that's not how domestic violence occurs domestic violence occurs when somebody loses his temper and punches somebody that's domestic violence so the first thing the Quran is telling you stop and think about this that will stop domestic violence now in that verse according to al-ta'a one of the greatest mufasirun of the Quran he said it doesn't mean hit he said it means get angry in other words once you've gone through this then you should let her know this is serious because the nashuz according to the commentators nashazat means irtafa'at to rise up against it means to get arrogant with so if a wife is becoming arrogant with a husband or vice versa because the Quran says that a husband can become arrogant with the wife it goes both ways if the wife becomes arrogant with the husband then the husband is told do this then this then this according to al-ta'a he said that that third one was then you have to let her know but what does it say immediately after that it says that if you fear shiqaq baynihima if you fear separation who's the you the people that are responsible bring an arbitrator from her side an arbitrator from his side and let them work this out and then Allah says and if the two sides want to rectify God will give them tofiq God will give them providential care will help them rectify but if one side doesn't separate them separate them let them go the Quran says al-ta'a shiqaq baynihima hold on to them in a good way or let them go in a good way but don't leave them this is a major problem not just in our community in all these communities if you read the statistics about domestic violence it's deeply depressing now most of you in here and I'm assuming the ladies also probably have very nice marital relationship that's the way my household has been my wife and I don't fight we've been married 22 years we've never she's never struck me I've never struck her never not once it does that doesn't have to be the way things are but if people are in a situation where they can't get along they have to let go this is Islam Islam is a mercy we've got all these people out there just really suffering like they're in hell and some people making religion a hell for the women wallahi we have imams on the minbar's preaching this stuff I've heard preachers say li ba'udu nisaa laa yusulahuhunna indhaa dharb wallahi I've heard people say oh there's some women the only thing that benefits is striking first of all it's maqroo to even do the tap but the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said dharbun ghayramu barreha why doesn't anybody ever translate that word or explain what people mean they say it means tabiriah is to do harm to be violent or to do it out of anger that's what it means so even to do that like to a child just like a slap that's a dharb in Arabic when you do tayyumum it's called dharba dharba tul ula and dharba tathaniyah this is what they teach in the books of fiqh you tap the earth like this that's a dharba but to say that you can strike a woman physically and harm her leave some trace on her a'udubillahi minash-shaitanir-raseem that's not Islam it's jahliyah it's jahliyah and there's people that do these things and these poor women have to suffer the humiliation ibn ashur in his tafsir says and I believe this he says it is absolutely acceptable for the authorities in charge to prescribe a punishment to prescribe a punishment for any act of domestic violence and he says when men are no longer vigilant about controlling themselves when he said when they use this verse as a means to express their anger their rage and their vengeance on a woman then he says it's the time for the authorities to come in and that's why any woman who's suffering domestic abuse has every right to go to the proper authority if the muslims won't help her then she can go to the police or anybody else because nobody nobody walking on two feet not even an animal on four feet or crawling on the earth should ever be humiliated should ever be tortured should ever be struck violently this is a major problem in our community we need to think deeply the believing men and women protect one another protect one another that's what we liar is you protect each other that's the believing men and believing women