 I recently took my daughter to the theater. We're both Vax now, bitches, so she's able to go out with me again and enjoy life to its fullest, or in this case, be miserable beyond all comprehension. We're greeted to several movie trailers, one of which is The Matrix, and I'm all giddy like a schoolgirl. Ooh, I can't wait to take the pill and go back into The Matrix! And then the movie starts up. Two minutes go by. Everything's pleasant, everything's fine. Five minutes go by. Things are looking pretty solid all around. No one's chatty, no one's crunching the popcorn too loud, I haven't seen a phone come up yet. 10 minutes into the movie. Houston, we're looking real good right now from where I'm sitting, all signs are a go. Looking nice, coming out of the Earth's atmosphere, heading out into space, kissing those stars for me. Say hi to the moon as you pass by on your way to Mars. I don't know, I don't know what that was. 10 minutes and 22 seconds into the film. It's a number I just made up, but it's probably accurate. A truffle of gals enter. Big gals, gals with purpose, with meaning to their step. Every foot that hits the carpet is a price I'm about to pay as they get closer. Like a stampede of elephants, these four ladies start to bustle their way up the stairs. They're trough of popcorn in one arm. They're mega soda in the other. That they're slurping mid-walk. We are close to the central hub of the theater. We're about 20 rows deep. These ladies are getting closer and closer and closer slur. I'm waiting for them to take a jut left. I'm waiting for them to cut over and they won't. They keep approaching. They keep inching their way towards my bubble. And then they pass. And I think the gods I know don't exist above. And I say, okay, we can continue liking this. The crunch is right behind me, followed by a jostling of my chair. I fly forward, my soda's in air, I grab it and pull it back. Some of this is dramatized. Most of it is real true to life stuff. I set it back into its holster and I try to pretend that whatever nightmare is going on behind me is gonna be over soon. The women that showed up almost 11 minutes late to this film are still in hover mode. They're standing. These are choose your own adventure seats. So they're looking at their ticket to make sure they're in the right spot. So chunk behind me is doing the truffle shuffle as her ass is smashing against the back of my chair. Boom, boom, fuck, boom, fuck. A person behind them tells them to sit down. Ma'am, will you sit down please? She does a turn, plops down so hard the vibrations on the concrete below start to shake my chair. Now I'm in some sort of a haptic chair that can feel everything. I'm trying to keep it cool for my daughter. My precious innocent little flower is still not used to or comfortable with all of the happenings of the theater. She's still somewhat captivated and aww by the whole experience in the theater. That will be over soon. That will be over tonight because now we're not here to watch the movie. Now it's ladies night. It's their night. They planned this for a long time and they're gonna get the most out of it, which means aggressively chewing loudly, slurping, opening loud plastic wrappings. Why are these candies wrapped in the loudest materials on planet Earth? Who in the hell came up with these designs? Okay, here's what I wanna do. I wanna put a bunch of tiny little things that will bang around because we're only gonna fill the box half full into a very thin, ridiculous cardboard box capsule. We're gonna then wrap it in cellophane. We're gonna put that shit on tight, too. So you're gonna be clawing like you're trying to get out of a prison cell to get this wrapping off. Fuck! We also have to somewhat warm these candies up so that they stick a little bit to the sides of the box so when the person tries to reach and grab one out, it doesn't come out right away. They have to bang on it. You want one? You want one, Patty? You want one, Mary Ann? What's happening in this movie so far? Are we late? That's when the loud talking started. Right as they sat down. Right as they got comfortable. My uncomfort started. My discomfort started. I don't think uncomfort's a word. Uncomfortable, uncomfort. That can't be right. Anywhere, we're gonna keep going. Oh my gosh, look at him. I haven't seen him in a movie in a very long time. Wow, he's gotten really old. Well, Patty, he's older than us. What do you expect? I expect you to shut the fuck up and let me watch this movie in silence! I paid for this! I paid for my daughter and now you're making me pay again. After a half hour of loud talking and several turns from me, doing the evil glare, my daughter jumped in. And believe me, I gave him some pretty nasty stares. First, I went with the sympathetic look. Then I went with the more aggressive approach. Finally, I went with the, I'm going to end your life if you don't stop talking. I learned after the movie was over the reason these ladies eventually shut the hell up was because my daughter intervened. She turned and gave a look so devastating, so powerful that even Kratos himself would look at that and say, damn, okay, that's a bit much. Bottom line is my daughter had to grow up overnight. She's not so innocent anymore for any spirits. If it was up to me, things would have played out a little differently. I would have turned to my daughter and politely asked her to cover her ears for a second as I casually stood up and turned around and looked at these four ladies in the faces. Here's how this is gonna play out. Either you four are gonna shut the fuck up right now or you're all gonna drop dead. The choice is yours. And before I even turn to sit back down, which is never my intention here, I already know what's gonna take place and it does. I start to turn and one of the ladies says, um, actually, and I punch her so hard my fist goes through her face like a water balloon slowly exploding onto a concrete floor, her face blew up, splatter everywhere across the back of those seats. The only thing left are pieces of the teeth that are laying on what used to be her neck. The other three freak out. Oh! One of them throws the popcorn bucket at me. I grab it in the air spinning around my head and slice her in two. She doesn't know at first. She's just standing there with the worst paper cut she's ever experienced until I just do one of these. And then the top half of her body slides down onto the ground, wet, gross chunks of what used to be a woman lay there. The third lady tries to run, trips over the body, hits her head on the back of the chair. Her eye is out of the socket hanging there. The fourth lady tries to take off. She's running down the aisle. And by the way, I'm not fat shaming these women. They could have been skinny for all I care. I'm asshole shaming, but I have to give you a description so you know what you're looking at, okay? Patty's running down the aisle. Still drinking the soda. I'll give her credit. She's still drinking the soda, but I still have mine as well. I pull out the straw like it's a goddamn javelin and I chuck it at her. This thing flies through the air like it was shot out of Cupid's bow except for this isn't a love arrow. It's one of hate. It's one of rage. It's one of anger. It goes right through the middle of her head. She goes head over apple cart down the stairs. Every time she hits the ground, people in the audience fly up into the air. Boom, whoa, boom, whoa. The one with the eye dangling tries to get back up. She's trying to put the eye back in. Slowly she's limping away as she climbs over the husk that used to be one of her gal pals. She's going down the steps. Blood trailing behind her as she looks for safety, for freedom. I'm on the other side still in awe of what's happening. This lady's going down the stairs like she's one of the lost boys in Hook. You know the one that turns into a big bowling ball? That's what's going on here. Mary Ann sidles around the corner. She's almost home free. All she has to do is get out of this theater in one piece. She's limping. She's getting closer. The door's right there. She can see the piercing of the light underneath. In the distance, she hears me yell, get back here, coward! What she wasn't anticipating as she hobbles towards the door and pulls on that silver handle was my daughter, spider-monkeying up the side of the ledge and dropping onto her shoulders. My daughter looks down at her from above and says, please don't ruin the movie experience for others. Silence your mouth and twist, snapping her neck, dropping that piece of luggage onto the ground. She joins me in the center of the auditorium. I wipe the sweat from my brow and we look on to the audience who is not only in awe of what's happened, but are standing up, clapping a round of applause for us. Roses are thrown at her feet confetti in the air. Popcorn, soaring. It's a beautiful experience and one that I'll cherish in my mind forever. But that's nothing more than a pipe dream of mass murder. No, these ladies actually accomplished their goal. They had their ladies night. They had their fun. And what did it cost them in the end? Everything. For me, nothing for them. Everything for me. The experience of the movie was ruined. So, thank you ladies. Hope it was worth it. Thanks for watching the video. Make sure to subscribe if you hadn't. I have tons of these grisly retellings. I have tons of movie reviews and other content related to movies here. So, stick around, it's a good time. Like the video if you want. Even hit that notification bell so these videos show up in your feed. 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