 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribed the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Rousse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharp in his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. America has always had some of the keenest business minds in the world. Mines of men like Henry Ford, David Sarnoff, and Bernard Baruch. On the other hand, it also has minds like Phil Harris, but more about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. Now, from RCA Victor, world leader in radio, comes a great new achievement in radio. Now, RCA Victor brings you the remarkable tone and sensitive reception of a large radio in a table set only six inches high. This tiny set, RCA Victor's new personal table radio, actually outperforms many larger costlier sets. Offers you the finest listing with the world famous golden throat tone system. Only RCA Victor could bring you such wonderful performance in such a compact table radio. See and hear this tiny new table model first chance you get. You like the convenience it offers. Since it is personal size, it can fit conveniently on almost any table or shelf. You'll like the beauty of its modern style cabinet, which makes it an attractive addition to any room, home, or office. And you'll certainly like the low price of this brand new RCA Victor table radio. It's only $29.95 plus tax, slightly higher in the far west and south. Choose the tiny dependable personal for yourself, or for a wonderful Christmas gift that keeps on giving. See the amazing new personal at your dealer's tomorrow. It's RCA Victor's newest and smallest table radio with a famous golden throat. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Alice and her brother William are discussing a matter of importance, and they've locked themselves in the den to ensure privacy. Even Phil and Elliot have been barred from this conference. Elliot, I wonder what Alice and Willie are talking about that could be so secretive. I'm worried. Curly, don't let it bother you. It's probably something very trivial. Like what? Well, like how she can get rid of you without splitting community property. There's no way she can do that. Besides, Alice is not trying to get rid of me. This thing is driving me nuts. I can't imagine. Well, if it's driving you nuts, go in and ask her. Assert yourself. Don't let her treat you like a child. You're right. No wife is going to treat me like a child. I'm going in. Now, Willie, I think we ought to... Alice, I think it's about time that I told... How many times have I told you not to interrupt when two people are talking? But, Alice... Just for that, you can't see television tonight. Oh, gee, honey. Space patrol is on at seven and not waiting. Alice, I want to know what you and Willie are talking about. We're talking business. I'm thinking of investing in a shop. Well, then why are you talking to him? You want business advice, come to me. I got a good business head. That head of yours hasn't got a brain in it. I've got a lot of brains. And he can prove it. Go ahead, Curly. Shake your head. Let him hear them. Look, Alice, if you have an investment to make, why didn't you consult me? Well, let's face it, Phil. You're a wonderful husband, a good father, a fine musician. But when it comes to business, you're a little on the schnook side. I don't think that's very respectful. I know just as much as your brother... You do, hmm. Tell me, Philip, what is your opinion on bonds for a suburban project that's guaranteed by the government? An excellent investment. Why? Because any bourbon that's bonded by the government has got to be paid. Well, that's just what I expected. Phil, would you please leave us alone? You and Elliot go for a walk until I finish talking to Willie, huh? Oh, very well, very well. I know when I'm not wanted. Come on, Elliot. Oh, that woman. Someday she's going to drive me to drink. Why wait for her? I'll drive you. I know a place where they serve 10-cent highball. What'd they do? Raise their prices to keep the riff-raff out? Now that they're gone, Willie, let's get back to business. I think this antique shop I want to buy is a very good investment. But Alice, why buy an antique shop? You don't have the time to run it. I don't intend to. I'm going to let mother run it. Oh, I see. Where is the antique shop? It's at 5,500 East Main Street. Wonderful location. They gave me their financial statement and I want you to look it over. Now you'll notice that last month they didn't stick to us. A man getting chased out of his own house. How long does she expect me to stay out here on this lawn? The fine thing when a wife won't let her own husband help her with her investment. Yeah. She's got an investment to make. I could do a better job than Willie. If there was only some way I could find out what she's investing in, then I... Hey, Elliot. I think there's a way I can find out. How? The den window is open. Shall we tippy-toe up and drop the kneeves or two? Curl, you're asking me to peep in windows? This is something I draw the line at. I've never done a thing like that and I will not... Would you be quiet? This is important to me. Now let's walk up to the window. Curly, that's not the way to do it. We have to get downwind, wiggle up to the window on a stomach. Then we stand up, camouflaged, as a bush. And then we're ready to peep, eh, Tom? Come on. All right. Now look, be quiet. Quiet. No noise. Listen. Well, this financial statement looks fine to me, Alice. Well, I told you. It's a wonderful business and I'm going to buy it. Now I want you to close the transaction. Here's a signed blank check. See if you can get it for about $800 down. Leave it to me, sis. I'll go right down and see the man. Oh, by the way, what was the address of that store again? 5,500 East Main Street. 5,500 East Main. Right. I'll call you as soon as I close the deal. And don't forget, don't pay more than $800 down. Did you hear that, Curly? She's going to buy a business. Well, never mind that. Willie's got a blank check signed by Alice Fay. A man could rule the world. They ain't nothing you couldn't buy two of. I wonder what kind of a business she's buying. I don't know. But why does she have to send Willie? I could get it for a better price than he could. I wish I had that blank check. That could be arranged. We roll them, huh? Don't be vulgar. Just keep this high class. When he comes out of the house, you jostle him and I'll pick his pocket. Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute. Do you know how to pick a pocket? It's what I majored in at college. Here it comes out the front. Yeah. Let's just take a little piece of him, but be nonchalant about it. No two people have ever been so in love As my macaroon and I. And when we kiss. And when we kiss. Well, it's like this. Well, it's like this. It's historically. It's hysterical. Let me tell you. I certainly don't. What are you two fellas so happy about you'd think? Philip, your clumsy ox, you almost knocked me over. Well, it's a good thing I was in back of you to catch you. Here, let me straighten you up. Get your hands off of me. Off, off, off. Now get out of my way. I have an important mission. Goodbye. You get it? What do you think? Here's the check. Good. And his watch and his wallet. Leave those here. All right. What should I do with his vest? Leave that here too. Okay. But I'm going to keep his socks. I always wanted Argyle. You didn't pick him. You peeled it. Now let's get out and buy that business for Alice. Hey, wait a minute. What was the address of the store again? 800 West Main Street. 800 West Main Street. Got it. And we shouldn't pay more than $5,500 now. Right. Hey, let's go down in my car. And while we're riding in the car, we'll turn the radio on and listen to one of my records. What makes you think one of your records will be on the radio? Don't ask questions. I've just got a feeling it'll turn out that way. Give me some harmony grids And some red sugar cured ham I want a big bowl of cream gravy And I'd be such a happy man If I can see Magnolia's blossom And the Zellia's in bloom Need me up to the table I want lots of elbow room I want some Mammy fried whole cake And some good old black eyed peas Give me a hayrack full of hot biscuits And make my coffee black if you please Now if you feed me, I'll add Dixie In that style so grand You're gonna have yourself a Happy man's sargamelasses You're gonna have yourself a Happen past them harmony grids Then give me some of that Tennessee hickory cured ham Then I want a big iron skillet full of that milk gravy Ouch! You got yourself a happy man Cause if I can see Magnolia's blossom And the Zellia's in bloom Need me up to that table Down, Clyde, I want lots of elbow room I want some Mammy fried whole cake And put a lot of lean bacon in them black eyed peas Then give me a hayrack full of hot biscuits And make my coffee black if you please Cause if you feed me, I'll add Dixie In that style so grand You're gonna have yourself a Happy man's hog bone and honey You're gonna have yourself a Hush puppy popper You're gonna have yourself a Why would Alice want to buy a business in a joint like this? I don't think it's a crummy neighborhood You don't Well let's look at that building across the street That's the worst looking rat trap I ever seen That ought to be condemned It has been How do you know? I got my eviction notice yesterday Look here's West Main Street Now look at these numbers There's 794, 796, 798 uh oh there it is 800 So this is the shop Alice wants to buy Hey she's getting smart This is a real good business Yeah but I wonder why Alice wants to buy a pool room Well let's go in and buy the place Look wait a minute now let me handle all the business details I'll get this joint at the right price Well I did it Elliot Here's the bill of sale Alice is now the proud owner of a pool room Hey you gotta admit I drove a shrewd bargain You sure did Curly I know what I'm doing every minute Alice wanted to pay $5,500 down I got the whole thing for 8,000 I really had to talk to that guy in the cell and you know He wasn't too anxious to let it go Oh I noticed that There were tears in his eyes as he grabbed the check Jumped into his helicopter and took off Do you think we've been taken Curly No of course not The guy was very honest He told me if I wasn't happy with the place he'd buy it back He left me his phone number if I want to call him Maybe I misjudged him What is his number Number? You know he wrote it here on this card Let me see It's Outer Mongolia 780 I wonder if that's a toll call Curly I don't like to put a damper on this deal But we've been here an hour there haven't been any customers Yeah I did notice that But they're Hey you jabs you want to play some pool No thanks thanks I just bought the place I own it Hey you must be my new boss I managed the journey You're gonna make a fortune here Yeah I hope you're right But I haven't seen anybody playing pool Nobody ever plays pool in here Then how am I gonna make a fortune From your bookie joint in the back Well as long as we got something going bookie joint Elliot did you hear that Alice is buying a horse room Why She probably owns all the others in town and wants to add this one to her string Oh no I'm married to the queen of the underworld And she told me she made all her money in pictures She did photo finishes She told me she made it in the movies Did you ever see any of her movies No they were before my time But mothers saw every one of them No this is impossible Elliot Alice don't believe in gambling She didn't know about the bookie joint I'll guarantee Hey look bud I want that back room closed up My wife just wants the pool parlor You're kidding No I'm not this is disgraceful A shocking state of affairs Come on Curly let's get out of this horrid place Yeah I never knew they had places like this Elliot you're walking the wrong way You're going toward the back room I know I want to make a bet before you close the play We ain't got time now you can phone her then Come on Elliot we're going home and tell Alice we bought her her pool room I'll bet you'll be proud of you when you tell her the good deal you've made Yeah and I got another idea Excuse me fellas could you tell me Well if it ain't the schmoes of Kilimanjaro I don't look now but the barracuda is in back Tendon Awaino convention Be snide we're here for a very good purpose What purpose I just bought my wife a pool room Oh that lucky guy She'll be very happy I bought it for Naturally a woman's a fool to be without her own pool room I want this pool room That's understandable this'll make her the envy of the Pasadena women's Nitin and keep one foot on the floor society One thing Mr. Harris you show imagination What do you mean Most men buy their wives stupid things like fur coats and diamond rings But not you joy boy All right now what's wrong with a pool room Nothing but you could have bought us something more practical Practical like what Like an old drawbridge For a second hand fairy slip Look kid there's nothing wrong with my wife on in a pool room It's a lovely place It's got eight tables two pinball machines And a bookie joint in the back He bought his wife a bookie joint What are you talking about You'll have the joint raided She'll be arrested and while she's into hatchery It'll give you a time to She wouldn't do a thing like that And that's a very nasty thing to say It certainly is Besides wouldn't do him any good He already looked when Alice was in the hospital having a baby Never did find the money did you curling How could I she took it with her We'll never forget her lying there in the hospital bed with a little bundle in each arm One pink and one green Oh buddy he's crazy about Alice and wouldn't want to get her into any trouble No Always around Besides we closed the bedding room Oh that's right Now let's get home and tell Alice that we got her the pool room come on I got great news for you Alice Oh tell me later Phil Something terrible has happened I gave Willie a signed blank check and he lost it Now I have to call the bank and stop payment on it That won't be necessary The check that Willie lost was found by us Also his watch wallet vest and socks Oh thank goodness you found the check Where is it Don't get excited honey Look we overheard you telling Willie that you wanted to buy a store So we took the check and went down and bought the place And honey I want to thank you for buying a place like that for little old me Well I didn't buy it for you I bought it for my mother She's gonna run it Your mother What is the hostess of the farmer's market know about racking a pool ball What a pool ball's got to do with running an antique shop Well everything if she's gonna run a tilt Antique shop I believe that's what the lady said You bought the antique shop at 5500 east main street didn't you Well uh no no no we didn't buy that one We bought the antique shop at 800 west main It's a much better place Far superior Oh well I wish you hadn't bought it Your business sense is oh well before I complain I'd better go look at it I'll walk stairs and get dressed and be right No honey not today don't go today you won't want it I Oh we bought the wrong place Now wait till she gets down and sees it's a pool room Oh Elliot what am I gonna do I suggest you kill yourself In the excitement she might forget about the pool room Just slash your wrist You cut it out I Hey wait a minute I got an idea look I'll keep Alice here as long as I can Meantime you go down there and make that pool room look like an antique shop What Cover the tables move in some old furniture and put a lot of old junk around This the shop you bought looks kind of run down On the outside yeah but wait till you see the inside come on let's go in Hi Curly hello Alice Elliot what are you doing here Oh Curly told me to take care of the store till you got here How do you like your new place Well it's awfully dismal and I think the antiques in the other shop were much nicer Oh well Alice don't be hasty why don't you look around the rest of the place All right I will Phil, Phil you bought a lot of junk This furniture is the most broken down dilapidated stuff I've ever seen I resent that I took this furniture out of my own apartment I think it's lovely me too Some of the nicest driftwood I've ever seen What is it early Pismo Beach I've seen antiques like they have here What's this big table here with the with the green cover Holy smoke I forgot to cover one of the pool tables Well what is it Oh oh that uh that uh that's an antique eating table that belonged to Henry VIII Well what are these six holes in the sides of the table that look like pockets Ohs oh well uh oh well I can explain that You can I can't wait to hear this one Honey those are bone catchers Bone catchers Bone catchers Yeah bone catchers You see Henry was a sloppy eater He used to throw bones over his shoulder so his wife put pockets on the table So he'd have some place to put the bone If she believes that you better get yourself a new wife Well Phil what are you giving me these stories for that's a pool table It is Oh you must be mistake of course she is what would a pool table be doing in a pool room Pay no attention to him honey you can see it's an antique shop and nothing else Phil Harris you didn't buy me an antique shop I've got a pool room Don't forget your horse room in the back When I get my hands on you two Elliot this is our cue to get out of here let's go Curly I'm right with you open the door I ain't got no time for that But first a change of pace as we hear a new Red Seal record release by RCA Victor listen Recognize it it's the classic overture to the Barber of Seville Magnificently recorded by the NBC Symphony Orchestra under the magic baton of Arturo Tuscannini And on this same RCA Victor 45 extended play record Tuscannini conducts a second immortal selection the magic flute overture And the wonderful part is this single record with both overtures can be added to your Library of Great Music for only one dollar and fifty cents Buy it at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow and while they're see RCA Victor's new Victrola three speed attachment it's the world's easiest playing three speed record changer The center is the secret slip on the large center spindle and you can play your 45 rpm records automatically slip it off and you can play other speed records automatically See the new Victrola three speed attachment at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow We're a little late thanks and good night folks. Good night everybody Included in this program transcribe was Herb Bygren the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Hey Alice what record you got there my latest RCA Victor hit High Diddle Diddle Well no Phil it's Frankie Calls new RCA Victor album of Top Pops Frankie Carl what does he sing Okay, okay, so he plays the best piano around. Let me see the selections Auf Wiedersehen sweetheart wish you were here Say there eight big hits sure Phil and Frankie Calls album of Top Pops is available on all three speeds at RCA Victor record dealers Tonight here to Lula on theater guild on the air over NBC