 Act four of Every Man Out of His Humor by Ben Johnson. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Scene one. A room in Delira's house. Enter Frangoso, phallus following him. Why are you so melancholy, brother? I am not melancholy. I thank you, sister. Why are you not married, then? There are but two of us in all the world, and if we should not be comforts one to another, God help us. Faith, I cannot tell, sister. But if a man had any true melancholy in him, it would make him melancholy to see his yeomenly father cut his neighbor's throats, to make his son a gentleman, and yet, when he has cut them, he will see his son's throat cut, too, ere he make him a true gentleman, indeed, before death cut his own throat. I must be the first head of our house, and yet he will not give me the head till I be made so. Is any man termed a gentleman that is not always in the fashion? I would know but that. If you be melancholy for that, brother, I think I have as much cause to be melancholy as any one, for I'll be sworn I live as little in the fashion as any woman in London. By the faith of a gentle woman, beast that I am to say it, I have not one friend in the world besides my husband. When saw you, master, fastidious brisk, brother? But a while since, sister, I think, I know not well in truth. By this hand I could fight with all my heart, me thinks. Nay, good brother, be not resolute. I sent him a letter, and he writes me no answer, neither. Oh, sweet, fastidious brisk! Oh, fine courtier, thou are he makest me sigh, and say how blessed is that woman that hath a courtier to her husband, and how miserable a dame she is, that hath neither husband nor friend in the court. Oh, sweet, fastidious! Oh, fine courtier! How calmly he bows him in his curtsy! How full he hits a woman between the lips when he kisses! How upright he sits at the table! How daintily he carves! How sweetly he talks, and tells news of this lord and of that lady! How cleanly he wipes his spoon at every spoonful of any white meat he eats! And what a neat case of pictures he carries about him still! Oh, sweet, fastidious! Oh, fine courtier! Enter Deliro at a distance with musicians. See, yonder she is, gentlemen! Now, as ever you'll bear the name of musicians, touch your instruments sweetly. She has a delicate ear, I tell you. Play not a false note, I beseech you. Fear not, senor Deliro. Or begin, begin, some sprightly thing. Lord, how my imagination labors with the success of it! They strike up a lively tune. Well said, good in faith! Heaven grant it please her. I'll not be seen, for then she'll be sure that it is like it. Hey, da, oh, this is excellent, I lay my life, this is my husband's dotage. I thought so, nay, never play boob-peep with me. I know you do nothing but study how to anger me, sir. Deliro, coming forward. Anger thee, sweet wife! Why did thou not send for musicians at supper last night thyself? To supper, sir. Now come up to supper, I beseech you, as though there were no difference between supper time when folks should be merry and this time when they should be melancholy. I would never take upon me to take a wife if I had no more judgment to please her. See please, sweet wife, and they shall have done, and would defate my life would done if I could never please thee. Exeant musicians. Enter Macalente. Save you, lady. Aware is Master Deliro. Here, Master Macalente, you are welcome from court, sir. No doubt you have been graced exceedingly of Master Brisk Mistress and the rest of the ladies for his sake. Alas, the poor fantastic. His scarce known to any lady there, and those that know him know him the simplest man of all they know. Deride and play upon his amorous humours, though he but apishly doth imitate the gallant his courtiers, kissing ladies' pumps, holding the cloth for them, praising their wits, and surveily observing everyone may do them pleasure. Fearful to be seen with any man, though he be there so worthy, that's not in grace with some that are the greatest. Thus courtiers do, and these he counterfeits, but sets no such a slightly carriage upon their vanities as they themselves, and therefore they despise him, for indeed he's like the zany to a tumbler that tries tricks after him to make men laugh. Boris aside. He is an unthankful spiteful wretch. The good gentleman vouchsafe to make him his companion, because my husband put him into a few regs, and now see how the unrued rescue backbites him. Is he no more graced amongst them then, say you? Fate like a pawn, a chess, fills up a room, that's all. Fallas aside. Oh, monster of men! And the earth bears such an envious catechph! Well, I repent me I ever credited him so much. But now I see what he is, and that his masking visor is off. I'll forbear him no longer. All his lands are mortgaged to me, and forfeited. Besides, I have bonds of his in my hand, for the receipt of now fifty pounds, now a hundred, now two hundred. Still, as he has had a fan but wagged at him, he would be in a new suit. Well, I'll salute him by a sergeant the next time I see him in faith. I'll suit him. Why, he may soon see him, sir, for he is to meet Senior Pontavolo at a notary's by the exchange presently, where he meant to take up upon return. Now, out upon thee, Judas, canst thou not be content to backbite thy friend, but thou must betray him? Will thou seek the undoing of any man, and of such a man, too? And will you, sir, get your living by the counsel of traitors? Dear wife, have patience. Oh, the house will fall, the ground will open and swallow us. I'll not bide here for all the gold and silver in heaven. Exit with Fungoso. Oh, good MacLente, let's follow and appease her. Or the peace of my life is at an end. Exit. Now, appease, and not peace, feed that life, whose head hangs so heavily over a woman's manger. Exit. Sing, too, another room in the same. Enter Falas and Fungoso running. She claps to the door. Brother, outspotty, and you come here, I'll do myself a mischief. Delira withen. Nay, hear me, sweet wife, unless thou wilt have me go, I will not go. Tut, you shall never have that vantage of me to say you are undone by me. I'll not bid you stay, I. Brother, sweet brother, here's four angels I'll give you towards your suit. Hold the love of gentry, and as ever you came of Christian creature, make haste to the water-side. You know where Master Festidious uses to land, and give him warning of my husband's malicious intent, and tell him of that lean rascal's treachery. Oh, heavens, how my flesh rises at him! Nay, sweet brother, make haste. You may say I would have rid to him, but that the necessity of the time would not permit. He cannot choose but take it extra-ordinarily from me, and commend me to him, good brother. Say I thank you. Exit. Let me see. These four angels, then forty shillings more I can borrow on my gown in fatter lane. Well, I will go presently, say, on my suit, pay as much money as I have, and swear myself into credit with my tailor for the rest. Exit. Another room in the same. Enter Deliro and Macalente. Oh, on my soul you wrong her, Macalente. Though she be fraught, yet I know she is honest. Well, then have I no judgment, would any woman but one that were wild in her affections have broke out into that immodest and violent passion against her husband, worst possible. If you love me for bear, all the arguments in the world shall never rest my heart to believe it. Exit. How like you the deciphering of his dotage. Oh, strangely, and of the other's envy, too, that labours so seriously to set debate Twix a man and his wife. Stay. Here comes the night adventurer. Oh, and a scrivener with him. Seen for. Punta Volo's lodgings. Enter Punta Volo, notary, and servants with the dog and cat. I wonder, myself a studious comes not. But notary, if thou please to draw the indentures a while, I will give thee thy instructions. With all my heart, sir, and I'll fall in hand with them presently. Well then, first the sum is to be understood. Notary. Good, sir. Next, our several appellations, and a character of my dog and cat, must be known. Show him the cat, sir, all. So, sir. Then, that the intended band is that Thurks court in Constantinople, the time limited for our return, a year, and that if either of us miscarry, the whole venture is lost. These are general, conceives thou, or if either of us turn Thurk. Aye, sir. Now, for particulars, that I may make my travels by sea or land to my best liking, and attire in a coach for myself, it shall be lawful for my dog or cat, or both, to ride with me in the said coach. Very good, sir. That I may choose to give my dog or cat fish for fear of bones, or any other nutriment that by the judgment of the most authentic physicians where I travel shall be thought dangerous. Well, sir. That, after the receipt of his money, he shall neither, in his own person, nor any other, either by direct or indirect means, as magic, witchcraft, or other such exotic arts, attempt, practice, or complot anything to the prejudice of me, my dog, or my cat. Neither shall I use the help of any such sorceries or enchantments, as unctions to make our skins impenetrable, or to travel invisible by virtue of a powder, or to ring, or to hang any three-forked charm about my dog's neck secretly conveyed into his collar. Understand you? But that all be performed sincerely without fraud or impasse to her. So, sir. That, for a testimony of the performance, myself and the bring-of-ins at Thurks Mustachio, my dog a Grecian hare's lips, and my cat the train or tail of a Thracian rat. Notary, writes. Tis done, sir. Tis said, sir, not done, sir, but forward, that upon my return and the landing at the tower-warf with the aforesaid testimony, I am to receive five or one according to the proportion of the sums put forth. Well, sir. Provided, that if before our departure, or setting forth either myself or these, be visited with sickness, or any other casual event, so that the whole course of the adventure be hindered thereby, that then he is to return, and I am to receive the pre-nominated proportion upon fair and equal terms. Very good, sir. Is this all? It is all, sir, and respects them, good notary. As fast as is possible, sir. Exit. Enter Carlo. Oh, Carlo, welcome. Sir, you must be of brisk. Not I. Did he appoint you to meet here? I, and I am used, he should be so tardy. He is to take one hundred pounds of me and venture if he maintains his promise. Is is our past? Not yet, but it comes on a pace. That, be not jealous of him. He will sooner break all the commandments than is our. Upon my life, in such a case, trust him. Me thinks, Carlo, you look very smooth, ha. Why, I came but now from a hot-house, I must need look smooth. From a hot-house? Hi. Do you make a wander-ond? Why, it is your only physique. Let a man sweat once a week in the hot-house, and be well-rabed and fraughted with a good plump juicy wrench, and sweet linen, you shall never have the pox. What, the French pox? The French pox? Out pox! We have them in as good a form as they, man. What? Let me perish but thou art a salt-one. Was your new-created gallant there with you a sogliardo? Oh, porpice, hang him. Ah, he's a leisure at Horn's ordinary yonder. His valence gany-made, and he have been drawn in a tobacco-pipe but ever since yesterday noon. Who, senior tripod tight, that'll give my dog the whiff? I, he, they have houred the chamber and all, private to practising for the making of the platoon, the receipt reciprocal, and the number of other mysteries not yet extant. I brought some dozen or twenty gallants this morning to view them, as you do a piece of perspective in at a keyhole, and there we might see a sogliardo sitting at chair, holding his snout up like a sow under an apple tree, while the other opened his nostrils with a poking stick to give him the smoke a more free delivery. They had spit some three or four-score ounces between them before we came away. How? Spit three or four-score ounces? Aye, and preserved it in pardingers as a barber dyes his blood when he opens a vein. How to piggin! How dost thou open the vein of thy friend? Friend? Is there any such foolish thing in the world? Ha! Slyd, I never relished it yet. Thy humour is the more dangerous. No, not oh, it, senior. Tat, a man must keep time and all. I can oil my tongue when I meet him next, and look with a good slick forehead, it will take away all soil of suspicion, and that's enough. What linseas can see my heart? Fish, the titl of a friend. It's a vein, idle thing, only venerable among fools. You shall not have one that has any opinion of wit affected. Mr. Deliro and Maculenti. Save you, good sir Ponto Volo. Senior Deliro, welcome. Pray you, sir. Did you see Master Fastidious Brisk? I heard he was to meet your worship here. You heard no figment, sir, I do expect him at every post of my watch. In good time, sir. There's a fellow now looks like one of the patricians of Sparta, Mary, his wits after ten of the hundred, a good bloodhound, a closed-mouthed dog, he follows the scent well. Mary, he's at fault now, my things. I should wonder if that creature is free from the danger of thy tongue. Oh! I cannot abide these limbs of Satan, or rather Satan indeed, that will walk like the children of darkness all day in a melancholy shop, with their pockets full of blanks ready to swallow up as many poor anthryphs as come within the verge. So, and what test thou for him that is with him now? Oh! Damn me! Immortality! I'll not mirror with him, the pure element of fire, all spirit, extraction. How, Carlo! Ha! What is he, man? A scholar, Maculenti, do you not know him? A rank, raw-boned anatomy, he walks up and down like a charged musket, no man dares encounter him. That's his rest there. His rest? Why, has he afforked it? Pardon me, that's to be suspended. You are too quick to apprehensive. Truth! Now, I think, haunt, I'll defer it till some other time. Not by any means, senior, you shall not lose this opportunity. You will be here presently now. Yes, faith, Maculenti, disbest. For look you, sir, I shall so exceedingly offend my wife in it that— Your wife? Now, for shame, lose these thoughts and become the master of your own spirits. Should I, if I had a wife, suffer myself to be thus passionately carried to and fro with the stream of her humour, and neglect my deepest affairs to serve her affections? Slight, I would kelp myself first. But, senior, had you such a wife as mine is, you would— Such a wife! Now, hate me, sir, if ever I discerned any wonder in your wife yet, with all the speculation I have, I have seen some that have been fairer than she in my time, and I have seen those have not been altogether so tall, esteemed, proper women, and I have seen less noses grow upon sweeter faces that have done very well, too, in my judgment. But in good faith, senior, for all this, the gentle woman is a good, pretty, proud, hard-favoured thing, married not so peerlessly to be doted upon, I must confess. Nay, be not angry. Well, sir, however you please to forget yourself, I have not deserved to be thus played upon. But henceforth pray you forbear my house, for I can but faintly endure the savor of his breath at my table, that shall thus jade me for my courtesies. Nay, then, senior, let me tell you, your wife is no proper woman, and by my life I suspect her honesty. That's more, which you may likewise suspect if you please, do you see? I'll urge you to nothing against your appetite, but if you please, you may suspect it. Good sir. Exit. Good sir. Now, horn upon horn pursue thee, a blind, accretious, doted. Ah, you shall hear him speak like envy. Senior Magillende, you saw Monsieur Brisk lately. I heard you were with him at court. Aye, Bufoni, I was with him. And how is he respected there? I know you'll deal ingenuously with us. I think he made much of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants. Faith, aye, his civet and his casting glass have helped him to a place amongst the rest. And there his seniors give him good slight looks, after their garb, smile, and salute in French with some new compliment. What is this all? Why, say, that they should show the frothy fools such grace as they pretend comes from the heart. He had a mighty windfall out of doubt. By how their graces are not to do grace to virtue or dessert, but to ride both with their guilt spurs quite breathless from themselves. Tis now esteem precisionism in wit and a disease in nature, to be kind toward dessert, to love or seek good names, who feeds with a good name, who thrives with loving, who can provide feast for his own desires with serving others. Tis folly, by her wisest worldlings, proved, if not to gain by love, to be beloved. How like you him! He's not a good spiteful slave, eh? Shrewd food! Dammit! I could eat his flesh now, divine, sweet villain! Eh, pretty leave! What's he there? Oh! This, in the starched build. It's a dull, stiff night, ponderable, o' man. He's to travel now, presently. He has a good, naughty wit, Mary. He carries little on out of the land with him. How then? He puts it forth in venture, as he dyes his money upon the return of a dog and cat. Is this he? Aye! This is he, a good, tough gentleman. He looks like a shield of bronze and shroth tied, out of debt, and ready to take his leave. Or a dry pole of ling upon his sleeve, that is furnished at the table all lent, as he has done the city this last vacation. Come, you'll never leave their stabbing similes. I shall have you aiming at me with them by and by, but— Oh! renounce me then! Pure, honest, good devil, I love thee above the love of women. I could even melt in admiration of thee now. Oh! so look here, man, sir Dagonet and his squire. Enter Suggliardo and shift. Save you, my dear Gallantos. Nay, come, approach good Cavalier. Pretty sweet knight, how this gentleman, he's one that is, to please us, me, to use as my good friend and companion. And therefore, do him good offices. I beseech you, Gentles. Know him. I know him all over. Sir, for senior Suggliardo's sake, let it suffice. I know you. Why, as I am a gentleman now, I thank you, knight, and it shall suffice. Hark you, Sir Punt Tarvalo. You'd little think it. Please as resolute a piece of flesh as any in the world. Indeed, sir. Upon my gentility, sir, Carlo, a word with you. Do you see that same fellow there? What? Cavalier shirked? Oh, you know him. Cry you mercy. Before me. I think him the tallest man living within the walls of Europe. The walls of Europe? Say, kid, what you say, senor, you're a huge thing within the walls. Tot, and Tura's huge again, I justify what I speak. Slid, he swaggered even now in a place where we were. I never saw a man do it more resolute. Nay, indeed, swaggering is a good argument of resolution. Do you hear this, senor? Aye, to my grief. Oh, that's such muddy flags. For every drunken florist should achieve the name of manhood, whilst true perfect valor, hating to show itself goes by despised. Hurt, I do know now in a fair just cause I dare do more than he a thousand times. Why should they not take knowledge of this, huh, and give my worth allowance before his? Because I cannot swagger. Now, the pox light on your pick's hatched prowess. Why? I tell you, sir. He had been the only bid-stand that ever kept new market, Salesbury Plain, Hockey in the Hole, Gadgill, and all the high places of any request. He has had his mares and his gildings. He have been worth forty. Three score, a hundred pound a horse, would have sprung you over the hedge and ditch like your greyhound. He has done five hundred robberies in his time. More or less, I assure you. What, and escaped? Escaped, I faith, I. He has broken the jail, when he has been in irons and irons, and been out and in again, and out and in, forty times, and not so few, he. A fit trumpet, to proclaim such a person. What can this be possible? Pardon me, my dear Orestes. Causes have their quittits, and his ill-justing with bell-robes. How? Piladies and Orestes? I, he is my pliadis, and I, his Orestes. How like you, the conceit. Ah, here's an old, stale interlude device. Now, I'll give you names myself. Look you. He shall be your Judas, and you shall be his elder traitor Hangon. Nay, but rather let him be Captain Pod, and this his motion, for he does nothing but show him. Excellent. Or thus, you shall be Holden, and he your Camel. You do not mean to ride, gentlemen. Faith, let me end it for you, gallants. You shall be his countenance, and he your resolution. Troth, that's pretty. How say you, Cavalier, shall it be so? Aye, aye, most voices. Faith, I am easily yielding to any good impressions. Then give hands, good resolution. Mass, he cannot say good countenance now properly to him again. Yes, by an irony. Oh, sir, the countenance of resolution should, as he is, be altogether grim and unpleasant. Enter fastidious brisk. Good hours make music with your mirth, gentlemen, and keep time to your humours. How now, Carlo? Must your brisk? Many a long look have I extended for you, sir. Good faith I must crave pardon. I was invited this morning ere I was out of my bed by a bevy of ladies to a banquet, since it was almost one of Hercules' labours for me to come away, but that the respect of my promise did so prevail with me. I know they'll take it very ill, especially one that gave me this bracelet of her hair, but overnight, and this pearl another gave me from her forehead. Marry she! What! Are the writings ready? I will send my men to know. Sirra, go you to the notaries, and learn if he be ready. Leave the dog, sir. Exit, servant. And how does my rare qualified friend, Sogliardo, o Signor Masalante, by these eyes I saw you not. I had saluted you sooner else, my troth. I hope, sir, I may presume upon you that you will not divulge my late check or disgrace indeed, sir. You may, sir. Know some notaries just by this girl, that he hath him so obsequious. Munch your fastidious. Do you see this fellow there? Does he not look like a clown? Would you think there were any thing in him? Anything in him is through me, I, the fellow hath a good ingenious face. By this element he as, as ingenious a tall man, has ever swaggered about London. He and I call countenance and resolution, by his name as Cavalier's shift. Cavalier, you knew Signor Klug, that was aimed for the robbery at Harrow on the hill? Knew him, sir? Why choice he gave all the directions for the action? How? Was it your project, sir? Pardon me, countenance. You do me some wrong to make occasions public which I imparted to you in private. God's will! Here none but friends, rather solution. That's all one. Things of consequence must have their respect, where, how, and to whom. Yes, sir, he showed himself a true clog in the coherence of that affair, sir. For if he had managed matters as they were corroborated to him, it had been better for him by a forty or fifty score of pounds, sir. And he himself might have lived in despite of fates to have fed on woodcocks with the rest. But it was his heavy fortune to sink poor Klug, and therefore talk no more of him. Why, had he more aiders than— Oh, Lord, sir, I—there were some present there, that were the nine worthies to him, my faith. Aye, sir, I can satisfy you at more convenient conference. But from my own part I have now reconciled myself to other courses, and profess a living out of my other qualities. Nay. He has left all now, I assure you, and is able to live like a gentleman by his qualities. By this dog he has the most rare gift and tobacco that ever you knew. He keeps more to do with this monster than ever banks did with his horse, or the fellow with the elephant. He will hang out his picture shortly in a cloth, you shall see. Oh, he does manage to crawl the best that ever you saw, for terms and circumstances. Good faith, senior, now you speak of a quarrel. I'll acquaint you with a difference that happened between a gallant and myself. Sir Pontevolo, you know him if I should name him senior Lucolento. Lucolento. What in auspicious chance interposed itself to your two loves? Faith, sir, the same that sundered Agamamnon and great Thetis son, but let the cause escape, sir. He sent me a challenge, mixed with some few braves which I restored, and it fine we met. Now indeed, sir, I must tell you, he did offer at first very desperately, but without judgment. For look you, sir, I cast myself into this figure. Now he comes violently on, and with all advances his rapier to strike. I thought Pontev took his arm, for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was sure he could not recover his guard. Sir, I missed my purpose in his arm, rashed his doublet sleeve, ran him close by the left cheek and through his hair. He again lights me here. I head on a gold cable-hat-band, then new come up, which I wore about a mury-fredge hat I had, cuts my hat-band, and yet it was massy goldsmith's work, cuts my brims, which my good fortune, being thick embroidered with gold twists and spangles, disappointed the force of the blow. Nevertheless it grazed on my shoulder, takes me away six pearls of an Italian cut-work band I wore, cost me three pound in the exchange, but three days before. This was a strange encounter. Nay, you shall hear, sir. With this we both fell out, and breathed. Now upon the second side of his assault I betook me to the former manner of my defense. He on the other side abandoned his body to the same danger as before, and follows me still with blows, but I, being loft to take the deadly advantage that labour-forming of his left side, made a kind of strommazoon, ran him up to the hilts through the doublet, through the shirt, and yet missed the skin. He making a reverse blow, falls upon my embossed girdle, I had thrown off the hangers a little before, strikes off a skirt of a thick-laced satin doublet I had, lined with four taffeters, cut off two pains embroidered with pearl, wrens through the drawings out of tissue, enters the linings, and skips the flesh. I wonder, he speaks not of his wrought shirt. Here in the opinion of mutual damage we paused, but ere I proceed I must tell you, senor, that in this last encounter not having leisure to put off my silver spurs, one of the rowls catched hold of the ruffle of my boot, and being Spanish leather and subject to tear overthrows me, wrens me two pair of silk stockings, that I put on, being somewhat a raw morning, a peach collar and a nether, and strikes me some half-inch deep into the side of the calf, he seeing the blood come presently takes horse and away, I, having bound up my wound with a piece of my wrought shirt— Ah! comes it in dare! And after him, and lighting at the court gate both together, embraced and marched hand in hand up into the presence, was not this business well carried? Well, yes, and by this we can guess what apparel the gentleman wore. For valor it was the designment begun with much of a resolution, maintained with as much prowess, and ended with more humanity. Re-enter, servant. How now? What says the notary? He says he is ready, sir. He stays but your worship's pleasure. Come, we will go to him, messiah, gentlemen, shall we entreat you to be witnesses? You shall entreat me, sir. Come, resolution. I follow you, good countenance. Come, senor, come, come. Exient all but maculenti. Oh, that there should be fortune to clothe these men so naked in desert, and that the just storm of a wretched life beats them not ragged for their wretched souls, and senses fruitless, even as black as coals. Exit. Why, but, senor, how comes it that Fungoso appeared not with his sister's intelligence to brisk? Marry, long of the evil angels that she gave him, who have indeed tempted the good simple youth to follow the tale of the fashion, and neglect the imposition of his friends. Behold, here he comes, very worshipfully attended, and with good variety. Scene five, a room in Deliro's house. Enter Fungoso in a new suit, followed by his tailor, shoemaker, and haberdasher. Grammarcy, good shoemaker, I'll put to strings myself. Exit shoemaker. Now, sir, let me see. What must you have for this hat? Here's the bill, sir. How does it become me? Well... Excellent, sir, as ever you had any hat in your life. Nay, you'll say so all. In faith, sir, the hat's as good as any man in this town can serve you, and will maintain fashion as long. Never trust me for a groat else. How does it apply well to my suit? Exceeding well, sir. How likeeth thou my suit, haberdasher? By my troth, sir, it is very rarely well made. I never saw a suit sit better, I can tell on. Nay, we have no art to please our friends, we. Here, haberdasher, tell the same. Give some money. Good faith, sir, it makes you have an excellent body. Nay, believe me, I think I have as good a body in clothes as another. You lack points to bring your apparel together, sir. I'll have points anon. How now? It's right. Faith, sir, tis too little, but upon farther hopes. Good morrow to you, sir. Exit. Farewell, good haberdasher. Well now, Master Snip, let me see your bill. Me thinks he discharges his followers too thick. Oh, therein he sourcely imitates some great man, I warrant you, though he turns off them. He keeps this tailor in place of a page to follow him still. This bill is very reasonable in faith, Hark you, Master Snip. Troth, sir, I am not altogether so well furnished at this present as I could wish I were, but if you'll do me the favour, to take part in hand, you shall have all I have by this hand. Sir. And but give me credit for the rest, till the beginning of the next term. O Lord, sir, for God, and by this light I'll pay you to the utmost, and acknowledge myself very deeply engaged to you by the courtesy. Why, how much have you there, sir? Mary, I have here four angels and fifteen chillings of white money. It's all I have, as I hoped to be blessed. You will not fail me at the next term with the rest. No, and I do pray heaven I be hanged. Let me never breathe again upon this mortal stage, as the philosopher calls it. By this air, and as I am a gentleman, I'll hold. He were an iron-hearted fellow, in my judgement, that would not credit him upon this volley of oaves. Well, sir, I'll not stick with any gentleman for a trifle. You know what his remains. Aye, sir, and I give you thanks in good faith. O fate, how happy I am made in this good fortune. Well now I'll go seek out Monsieur Brisc. Odd, so I forgot riband for my shoes and points. How shall I do? Master Snip, pray let me reduct some two or three chillings for points and ribands. As I am an honest man, I have utterly disfurnished myself in the default of memory. Pray let me be beholding to you. It shall come home in the bill, believe me. Faith, sir, I can hardly depart with ready money, but I'll take up and send you some by my boy presently. What coloured riband would you have? What you shall think meet in your judgement, sir, to my suit. Well, I'll send you some presently. And points too, sir? And points too, sir. Good lord, how shall I study to deserve this kindness of you, sir? Pray let your youth make haste, for I should have done a business in our sins that I doubt I shall come too late. Exit, Taylor. Now, in good faith, I am exceeding proud of my suit. Do you observe the plunges that this poor gallant has put to, senor, to purchase the fashion? I, and to be still a fashion behind with the world, that's the sport. Stay. Oh, here they come from sealed and delivered. Scene six, Punta Volo's lodgings. Enter Punta Volo, fastidious brisk in a new suit, and servants with the dog. Well, now my whole adventure is forth. I will resolve to depart shortly. Faith, Sir Punta Volo, go to the court and take leave of the ladies first. I care not if it be this afternoon's labour. Where is Carlo? Here he comes. Enter Carlo, Sugliardo, Shift, and Maclienti. Faith, gallants, I am persuading this gentleman. Tells to Sugliardo. The terminal courtier, he is a man of fair revenue, and his estate will bear the charge well. Besides, for his other gifts of the mind, or so, why, they are, his nature lent him them. Pure, simple, without any artificial drag or mixture of these two threadbare beggarly qualities, learning and knowledge, and therefore no more accommodated and genuine. Now, for the life it's terrible. Oh, the most celestial and full of wonder and delight that can be imagined, Signore, beyond thought and apprehension of pleasure. A man lives there in that divine rapture, that he will think himself for the ninth heaven for the time, and lose all sense of mortality whatsoever. When he shall behold such glorious and almost immortal beauties, hear such angelical and harmonious voices, discourse with such flowing and embrosial spirits, whose wits are as sudden as lightning, and humorous as nectar. Oh, it makes a man all quintessence and flame, and lifts him up in a moment to the very crystal crowd of the sky, where, hovering in the strength of his imagination, he shall behold all the delights of the asperities. Every insolai fortuneate, adoris gardens, tempe, or what else, confined within the amplest verge of posy, to be mere umbrae and imperfect figures, conferred with the most essential felicity of your court. Well, this aconium was not extemporal, it came too perfectly off. Besides, sir, you shall never need to go to a heart-house, you shall sweat there with courting our mistress, or losing your money at Primero, as well as in all the stores in Sweden. Merry, this, sir, you must ever be sure to carry good, strong perfume about you, that your mistress's dog may smell you out amongst the rest. And in making love to her, never fear to be out, for you may have a pipe of tobacco, or a base vial shall hang on the wall, of purpose which butch you unpresently. The trick's your resolution, I start you in tobacco, the whiff, and those slides will stand you in very good ornament there. I, to some, perhaps, but any should come to my mistress with tobacco, this gentleman knows, she'd reply upon him with faith, oh, by this bright sun she has the most acute ready and facetious wit that, tot, there's no spirit able to stand her. You can report it, senor, you have seen her. Then can he report no less out of his judgment? I assure him. Trofe, I like her well enough, but she's too self-conceited, me thinks. I, indeed, she's a little too self-conceited, and were not for that humour she were the most of the admired lady in the world. Indeed it is a humour that ticks from her other excellences. Why, it may easily be made to forsake her, in my thought. Surely, sir, there are all impossibilities easy. You conclude too quick upon me, senor. What will you say? If I make it so perspicuously appear now that you yourself shall confess nothing more possible. Mary, I will say I will both applaud and admire you for it. And I will second him in the ad-emoration. Why, I'll show you, gentlemen. Carlo, come hither. Arcalenti, Carlo, Punta Volo, and fastidious whisper together. Good faith, I have a great humour to the court. What thinks my resolution? Shall I adventure? Truth countenance, as you please. The place is a place of good reputation and capacity. Oh, my tricks and tobacco, as Carlo says, will show excellent there. Why, you may go with these gentlemen now and see fashions, and after, as you shall see correspondence. You say true. You will go with me, resolution? I will meet you countenance about three or four o'clock. But to say to go with you I cannot, for, as I am Apple-John, I am to go before the cockatrice you saw this morning, and therefore pray, present me excused, good countenance. Farewell, good resolution, but fail not to meet. As I live, exit. Admirably excellent. If you can but persuade Sogliardo to court, there's all now. Ah, let me alone. That's my task. Grosso Sogliardo. Now, my wit, Messalante, it's above measure excellent. Twill be the only court exploit that ever proved culture ingenious. Upon my soul it puts the lady quite out of her humour, and we shall laugh with judgement. Come, the gentleman must have himself resolved to go with you, before I moved it. Why, then, gallantst, you two and Carlo go afore to prepare the jest. Sogliardo and I will come some while after you. Pardon me. I am not for the court. That's true. Carlo comes not at court indeed. Well, you shall leave into the faculty amongst your brisk and myself. Upon our lives we will manage it happily. Carlo shall be speak supper at the meter against we come back, where we will meet and dimple our cheeks with laughter at the success. Aye, but will you promise to come? Myself shall undertake for them. He that fails, let his reputation lie under the lash of thy tongue. Od so, loco comes here. Enter from Grosso. What, nephew? Uncle, God save you. Did you see a gentleman, one M. Brisk, a courtier? He goes in such a suit as I do. Here is the gentleman, nephew, but not in such a suit. Another suit? How now, nephew? Would you speak with me, sir? Aye, when he has recovered himself, poor Paul. Some Rosa Sules. How now, senior? I am not well, sir. Why, this it is, to dog the fashion. Aye, come, gentlemen, I remember your affairs. His disease is nothing but the flax of the peril. Sirs, return to the lodging. Keep the cat safe. I'll be the dog's guardian myself. Exiant servants. Nephew, will you go to court with us? These gentlemen and I are for the court. Nay, be not so melancholy. Slyd, I think no man in Christendom has that rascally fortune that I have. Faith, your suit is well enough, senior. Nay, not for that, I protest. But I had an errand to M. Faustidius and I forgot it. Why, go along to court with us and remember it. Come, gentlemen, you three take one boat, and Soliardo and I will take another. We shall be there instantly. Content, good sir, vouchsafe us your pleasance. Farewell, Carlo, remember. I warned you, but I had when I came shoes to throw after you. Good fortune will close the eyes of our just fear or not, and we shall frolic. Exiant. This macalente, senior, begins to be more sociable on a sudden, me thinks, than he was before. There's some portent in it, I believe. Oh, he's a fellow of a strange nature. Now does he, in this calm of his humour, plot, and store up a world of malicious thoughts in his brain, till he is so full with them, that you shall see the very torrent of his envy break forth like a land-flood, and against the course of all their affections, oppose itself so violently, that you will always have wonder to think how it is possible the current of their dispositions shall receive so quick and strong an alteration. I marry, sir. This is that on which my expectation had dwelt all this while. For I must tell you, senior, though I was loath to interrupt the scene, yet I made it a question of my own private discourse, how he should properly call it every man out of his humour, when I saw all his actors so strongly pursue and continue their humours. Why? Therein his art appears most full of lustre, an approacheth nearest the life, especially when in the flame and height of their humours they are laid flat. It fills the eye better, and with more contentment. How tedious a sight were it to behold a proud, exalted tree, kept and cut down by degrees, when it might be followed in a moment, and to set the axe to it before it came to that pride and fullness, were, as not to have it grow. Well, I shall long till I see this fall, you talk of. To help your longing, senior. Let your imagination be swifter than a pair of oars, and by this suppose Puntovolo, Brisk, Fungoso and the dog arrived at the court gate, and going up to the great chamber. Masalente and Soliado will leave them on the water, till possibility and natural means may land them. Here come the gallants. Now, prepare your expectations. End of Act 4. Act 5 of Every Man Out of His Humour by Ben Johnson. This is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Enter Puntovolo with his dog, followed by Fastidius Brisk and Fungoso. Come, gentiles, senior, you are sufficiently instructed. Who I, sir? No, this gentleman. But stay, I take thought how to bestow my dog. He is no competent attendant for the presence. Mas, that's true indeed, Knight. You must not carry him into the presence. I know it, and I, like a dull beast, forgot to bring one of my comrades to attend me. Why, you are best to leave him at the porter's lodge. Not so. His worth is too well known amongst them to be forthcoming. Sleight, how will you do then? I must leave him with one that is ignorant of his quality, if I will have him to be safe. And see, here comes one that will carry calls, and there go will hold my dog. Enter a groom with a basket. My honest friend, may I commit the tuition of this dog to thy prudent care. You may, if you please, sir. Pray thee, let me find thee here at my return. It shall not belong until I will ease thee of thy employment, and please thee. Forth, gentiles. Why, but will you leave him with so slight command and infuse no more charge upon the fellow? Charge? No. There were no policy in that. It were to let him know the value of the gym he holds, and so to tempt frail nature against her disposition. No. Pray thee, let thy honesty be sweet, as it shall be short. Yes, sir. But hark, you gallants and chiefly, Monsieur Blisque. When we come in eyeshot, our presence of this lady, let not other matters carry us from our project, but if we can, single her forth to some place. I warrant you. It be not too sudden, but let the device induce itself with good circumstance. On. Is this the way? Good truth. Here be fine hangings. Exient punter volo, fastidious and fungoso. Honesty. Sweet and short? Marry it shall, sir, doubt you not. For even at this instant, if one would give me twenty pounds, I would not deliver him. That's for the sweet. But now, if any man come offer me but two pence, he shall have him. There's for the short now. Slid, what a mad, humorous gentleman is this to leave his dog with me. I could run away with him now. Anywhere worth anything. Enter Macalenti and sogliardo. Come on, senior. Now prepare to court this all-witted lady. Just naturally and like yourself. Faith, and you say the word. I'll begin to her in tobacco. Oh, fine. No. You shall begin with, how does my sweet lady, or why are you so melancholy, madam? Though she be very merry, it's all one. Be sure to kiss your hand often enough. Pray for her health, and tell her how more than most fair she is. Screw your face at one side thus, and protest. Get her fuller, and look a scance, and hide her teeth with her fan, when she lest a fit to bring her into more matter that's nothing. You must talk forward, though it be without sense, so it be without blushing. It is most court-like and well. What shall I not use tobacco at all? Oh, by no means. Tool but make your breath suspected, and that you use it only to confound the rankness of that. Nay, I'll be advised, sir, by my friends. Oughts my life, see where Sir Pantarvalo's dog is. I would, the gentleman, would return for his follower here, I'll leave him to his fortunes else. Macalente, aside. Ha, toer the only true jest in the world, to poison him now, ha, ha, ha, by the sand I'll do it, if I could but get him of the fellow. Sir Soliardo, walk aside, and think upon some device to entertain the lady with. Ah, so I do, sir. Walks off in a meditating posture. How now, my un-honest friend, whose dog-keeper art thou? Dog-keeper, sir, I hope I scorn that, faith. Why, just thou not keep a dog? Sir, now I do, and now I do not. Throws off the dog. I think this be sweet and short, make me his dog-keeper. Exit. This is excellent, above expectation. Nay, stay, sir. Seizing the dog. You'd be traveling, but I'll give you a dram, shall shorten your voyage here. Gives him poison. So, sir, I'll be bold to take my leave of you. Now to the Turk's court, in the devil's name, for you shall never go a god's name. Kicks him out. Soliado, come. I have it, si-faith, now. We'll sting it. Take heed, you leas-it-not, senior, ere you come there. Preserve it. Exit. How like you the first exploit of his. Oh! A piece of true envy, but I expect the issue of the other device. Here they come, we'll make it a pair. Scene two, an apartment in the palace. Enter Saviolina, Punta Volo, Fastidious Brisk, and Fungoso. Why, I thought, sir, Punta Volo, you have been gone your voyage. Dear and most amiable lady, your divine beauties do bind me to those offices that I cannot depart when I would. It is most court-like spoken, sir, but how might we do to have a sight of your dog and cat? His dog is in the court, lady. And not your cat? How dare you trust her behind you, sir? Drought, madam, she hath sore eyes, and she doth keep a chamber. Mary, I have left her under sufficient guard. There are two of my followers to attend her. I'll give you some water for her eyes. When do you go, sir? Certez, sweet lady, I know not. He doth stay the rather, madam, to present your acute judgment with so courtly and well-parted a gentleman as yet your ladyship hath never seen. What is he? Gentleman's sure brisk, not that gentleman. Point to Fungoso. No, lady, this is a kinsman to justice silence. Praise, sir, give me leave to report him. He's a gentleman, lady, that rare and admirable faculty, as I protest, I know not his like in Europe. He is exceedingly valiant, an excellent scholar, and so exactly traveled that he is able, in discourse, to deliver you a model of any prince's court in the world. Speaks the languages with that purity of phrase, and a facility of accent, that it braids astonishment. His wit, the most exuberant, and above wonderer, pleasant of all that ever entered the concave of this year. Tis most true, lady, Mary, he is no such excellent proper man. His travels have changed his complexion, madam. Oh, Serpent Arvalo, you must think every man was not born to have my servant brisk's feature. But that which transcends all, lady, he doth so peerlessly imitate any manner of person for just your action, passion, or whatever. I, especially a rustic or a clown, madam, that it is not possible for the sharpest sighted wit in the world to discern any sparks of the gentleman in him when he does it. Oh, monsieur brisk, be not so tyrannous to confine all wits within the compass of your own, not find the sparks of a gentleman in him, if he be a gentleman. No, in truth, sweet lady, I believe you cannot. Do you believe so? Why, I confine sparks of a gentleman in you, sir. I, he is a gentleman, madam, and a reveler. Indeed, I think I have seen your ladyship at our revels. Take enough, sir, but when I might see this wonder you talk of, may one have a sight of him for any reasonable sum. Yes, madam, he will arrive presently. What, and shall we see him clown it? If faith, sweet lady, that you shall see here he comes. Enter Machilenti and sell Gliardo. This is he. Pray observe him, lady. Be shrew me. He clowns it properly indeed. Hey, Machi's courtship. How does my sweet lady, hot and moist, beautiful and lusty, ha? Beautiful, and it pleases you, sir, but not lusty. Oh, ho, lady, it pleases you to say so, in truth. And how does my sweet lady, in health, Banneroba, Cueso, Cue novellus, Cue novellus, sweet creature? Oh, excellent. Why, gallons, is this he that cannot be deciphered? There were very blear witted in faith that could not discern the gentleman in him. But you do an earnest lady? Do I, sir? Why, if you had any true court judgment in the carriage of his eye, and that inward power that forms his countenance, you might perceive his counterfeiting as clear as the noonday. Alas, nay, if you would have tried my wit, indeed, you should never have told me he was a gentleman, but presented him for a true clown indeed, and then have seen if I could have deciphered him. For, God, her ladyship says true night, but does he not affect the clown most naturally, mistress? Oh, she cannot but affirm that, out of the bounty of her judgment. Nay, out of doubt he does well, for a gentleman to imitate, but I warn you, he becomes his natural carriage of the gentleman much better than his clownery. She is strange in truth, her ladyship should see so far into him. Aye, is it not? Faith as easily as may be. Not decipher him, Cwoth you. Good sadness, I wonder at it. Why, has she deciphered him, gentlemen? Oh, most miraculously, and beyond that burration. Is it possible? She hath gathered most infallible signs of the gentleman in him, that certain. Why, gallance, let me laugh at you a little. Was this your advice to try my judgment in a gentleman? Nay, lady, do not scorn us, though you have this gift of perspicacy above others. What if he should be no gentleman now, but a clown indeed, lady? How think you of that? Would not your ladyship be out of your humour? Oh, but she knows it is not so. What if he were not a man, you may as well say. Nay, if your worships could gall me so, indeed, you were wiser than you are taken for. In good faith, lady, he is a very perfect clown, both by father and mother, that I'll assure you. Oh, sir, you are very pleasurable. Nay, then do but look on his hand, and that shall resolve you. Look, you lady, what a palm it is. Taught. That was withholding the plow. The plow? Did you discern any such thing in him, madam? Faith no. She saw the gentleman as bright as noonday, she. She deciphered him at first. Truth, I am sorry, your ladyship's sight should be so suddenly struck. Oh, you are goodly beagles. What is she gone? Nay, stay, sweet lady. Nivellus, cue Nivellus. Out, you fool, you. Exit in anger. She's out of her humour in faith. Nay, let's follow it, while his heart, gentlemen. Come, on mine honour shall we make her blush in the presence. My spleen is great with laughter. Mackey Lenty, aside. Your laughter will be a child of a feeble life, I believe, sir. Come, senor, your looks are too dejected, me thinks. Why, mix you not mirth with the rest? Ots will. This suit frets me at the sole. I'll have it altered tomorrow, sure. Scene three, the palace stairs. Enter shift. I am come to the court to meet with my countenance, so gliardo. Poor man must be glad of such countenance when they can get no better. Well, need may insult upon a man, but it shall never make him despair of consequence. The world will say tis base, tush base, tis base to live under the earth, not base to live above it by any means. Enter pastidious, puntervolo, so gliardo, fungoso, and maclienti. The poor lady is most miserably out of her humour in faith. There was never so with the adjust broken, at the tilt of all the court which christened. O, this applause taints it foully. I think I did my part in courting. O, resolution! I mean my dog. Where is he? Sprecious ghost seek for the fellow good senior. Exit from gozo. Here. Here I left him. Why, none was here when we came in now, but Cavalier's shirt, inquire of him. Did you see, sir, puntervolo's dog here, Cavalier, since you came? His dog, sir. He may look his dog, sir. I saw none of his dog, sir. Pun my life. He has stolen your dog, sir, and been hired to it by some that have ventured with you. You may guess it by his peremptory answers. Not unlike, for he has been a notorious thief by his own confession. Sra, where is my dog? Charge me with your dog, sir. I have none of your dog, sir. Villain, thou liest. Lie, sir, splud, you are but a man, sir. Dog and thief, restore him. Take heed, sir, puntervolo. What you do, he'll bear no coals. I can tell you, oh, my word. This is rare. It's moral, hilly stabs you not. By this light he hath stabbed forty. For forty times less matter I can tell you of my knowledge. I will make thee stoop, thou abject. Make him stoop, sir. Gentlemen, pacify him, or he'll be killed. Is he so tall a man? Tall a man. If you love his life, stand betwixt them. Make him stoop. My dog, villain, I will hang thee. Thou hast confessed robberies and other felonious acts to this gentleman thy countenance. I'll bear no witness. Let without my dog I will hang thee, for them. Shift, kneels. What? Kneel to thine enemies? Pardon me, good sir. God is my witness, I never did robbery in all my life. Re-enter, puntervolo. Oh, sir, puntervolo. Your dog lies giving up the ghost in the woodyard. Machylenti, aside. Heart, is he not dead yet? Oh, my dog. Born to disastrous fortune, pray you conduct me, sir. Exit with, puntervolo. How? Did you never do any robbery in your life? Oh, this is good. So he swore, sir. I heard him. And did you swear true, sir? I, as I hope to be forgiven, sir, I never robbed any man. I never stood by the highwayside, sir, but only said so, because I would get myself a name and be counted a tall man. Thou out, bays Villaco, thou my resolution, I thy countenance. By this light, gentlemen, he hath confessed to me the most inexorable company of robberies, and damned himself that he did him. You never heard the like. Out Scantral, out! Follow me no more. I command thee. Out of my sight. Go. Hence. Speak not. I will not hear thee. Away. Come o' zeal. Exit, chef. Machulanti. Aside. Oh, how I do feed upon this now, and fat myself. Here we're a couple unexpectedly dishumoured. By this time, I hope, sir, puntervolo and his dog are both out of humour to travel. Nay, gentlemen, why do you not seek out the knight and comfort him? For supper the mider must of necessity hold to-night, if you love your reputations. For God I am so melancholy for his dog's disaster, but I'll go. Faith, and I may go too, but I know I shall be so melancholy. Tush, melancholy. You must forget that now, and remember you lie at the mercy of a fury. Carla will rack your sinews asunder and rail you to dust if you come not. Oh, then their fear of carlo be like makes them hold their meeting. Oh, I hear he comes. Conceive him but to be entered the mider, and as enough. Scene four. A room at the mider. Enter, Carlo. Hola. Where be thee shot sharks? Enter, drawer. Bye and bye. You are welcome, good master Bufone. Where is George? Help me, George, here, there, quickly. What wine, please, you have, sir. I'll draw you that's neat, master Bufone. Away, neophyte, do as I bid thee, bring my dear George to me. Enter, George. Mas, here he comes. Welcome, master Carlo. What? Is supper ready, George? Aye, sir, almost. Will you have the cloth laid, master Carlo? Ah, what else? Are none other galants coming yet? None yet, sir. Stay, take me with you, George. Let me have a good, fat loin of pork laid to the fire, presently. It shall, sir. And with all, here you draw me the biggest shaft you have out of the but your water. Away, you know my meaning, George, quick. Done, sir. Exit. I never hungered so much for anything in my life as I do to know our galant's success at court. Now is that lean, bald rib machelante, that salt villain plotting some mischievous devise, and lies soaking in their frothy humours like a dry crust, till he has drunk them all up. Could the palmist but hold up his eyes at other men's happiness and any reasonable proportion slid the slaver to be loved next heaven above honour, wealth, rich, fair, apparel, winches, all the lights of the belly and the groin, whatever. Re-enter, George, with two jugs of wine. Here, master Carlo. Is it right, boy? Aye, sir, I assure you it's right. Well said, my dear George. Depart. Exit, George. Calm, my small gimblit. You in the first scabbard, away so. Puts forth the drawer and shuts the door. Now to you, sir burgamaster. Let's taste of your bounty. What? Will he deal upon such quantities of wine alone? You will perceive that, sir. Carlo drinks. Aye, Mary, sir, here's purity. Oh, George, I could bite off his nose for this now, sweet rogue. He has drawn nectar. The various soul of the grape. I'll wash my temples with some antipresently and drink some half-ascored drafts. Twill heat the brain, kindle my imagination. I shall talk nothing but crackers and fireworks tonight. So, sir, please you to be here, sir, and I here so. Since the two cups asunder, drinks with the one and pledges with the other, speaking for each of the cups and drinking alternately. This is worth the observations in you. Now, sir, here's to you, and I present you with so much of my love. I take it kindly from you, sir. Drinks. And will return you the like proportion. But with all, sir, remembering the merry night we had at the Countesses, you know where, sir. By heaven, you put me and mine over there in necessary office, which I will propose in your pledge, sir, the health of that honorable Countess and the sweet lady that sat by her, sir. I do fail to wait with reverence. Drinks. And now, senor, with these ladies, I'll be bold to mix the health of your divine mistress. Do you know her, sir? Oh, lord, sir, I! And in the respectful memory and mention of her, I could wish this wine with the most precious drug in the world. Good faith, sir. You do me honour indecedingly. Drinks. Whom should he personate in this, senor? Faith, I know not, sir. Observe, observe him. If it were the basis for all mud runs in the channel, I am bound to pledge it respectively, sir. Drinks. And now, sir, here is a replenished bowl, which I will reciprocally turn upon you to the health of the Count Frugale. The Count Frugale's health, sir. I pledge it on my knees by this light. Nails. Nay, do me right, sir. So I do in faith. Good faith, you do not. Mine was fuller. I believe me it was not. Believe me it was, and you do lie. Lie, sir. Aye, sir. Swans your rascal. Oh, come. Stub if you have a mind to it. Stub? Dost thou think I dare not? Mary, I beseech you, gentlemen, what means this? Nay, look, for shame respect your reputations. Overturns wine, pot, cups, and all. Enter maculanti. Why, how now, Carlo, what humours this? Oh, my good mischief, art thou calm? Where are the rest? Where are the rest? Faith, three of our ordinance, are burst. Burst? How comes that? Faith overcharged, overcharged. But did not the train hold? Oh, yes, and the poor lady is irrecoverably blown up. Why, but which of the ammunition is miscarried, ha? In primus, sir Pontorello. Next, the countenance and resolution. How? How, for the love of wit? Truth, the resolution has proved a recurrent. The countenance hath changed his copy, and the passionate knight is shedding funeral tears over his departed dog. What? Is his dog dead? Poisoned, tis thought. Mary, how, or by whom? That's left for some cunning woman here at the bankside to resolve. For my part, I know nothing more than that we are like to have an exceeding melancholy supper of it. It's life, and I had purpose to be extraordinary nearly, Mary. I drank off a good preparative of old sack here. But will they come? Will they come? They will surely come. Mary, Carlo, as a lovest me, run over them all freely to-night, and especially the night, spare no sulfurous jests that may come out of that sweaty forge of thine. Apply them with all manner a shot, minion-saker culverine, or anything with thou wilt. I warrant thee, my dear, case of patrionance. So I stand not in dread of thee, but that thou wilt second me. Why, my good German tapster, I will. But, George, nontero, nontero, nontero, nontero, nontero. Sings and dances. Re-enter, George. And did you call, Master Carlo? Mornecter, George, nontero, nontero, nontero. Your meat's ready, sir, and your company will come. Is the loin pork enough? Aye, sir, it is enough. Exit. Pork. Ah, to what dust thou was such a greasy dish. I think thou'd just varnish thy face with a fat aunt. Looks so like a glue-pot. True, my raw bone-drog, and if thou wouldst thirst thy lean ribs with it too, they would not, like ragged laths, rub out so much doblet as they do. But they know it's not a good dish, thou. It's the only nourishing meat in the world. No marvel, though, that saucy, stubborn generation the Jews were forbidden it. For what would they have done? Well, pampered with fat pork, the dursed murmur at their maker out of garlic and onions. Sly, said with it, the horse and strumble-patched, gogolite grumble-dories would have gegoned to Macaest. Re-enter, George, with wine. Well said, my sweet George. Feel, feel. This savers too much of profanation. Oh, Serveto artimum. Qualis ab inceptio processerit et cibi constet. The necessity of his vein compels a toleration, for bar this, and dash him out of humour before his time. There's an ax, human natural philosophy, what comes nearest the nature of that it feeds, converts quicker to nourishment, and of sooner is sent she. Now nothing in flesh and entrails assimilates, or resembles man more than a hog, or swine. Drinks. True. And he, to requite their courtesy, often times doffeth his own nature, and puts on theirs, as when he becomes as churlish as a hog, or as drunk as a sow. But to your conclusion. Drinks. Mary, I say, nothing resembling man more than a swine, it follows. Nothing can be more nourishing, for indeed, but that the bores from a nice nature, if we fed upon one another, we should shoot up a great deal faster, and thrive much better. I refer me to your user's cannibals, or such like. But since it is so contrary, pork, pork, is your only feed. I take it your devil be of the same diet. He would never have desired to have been incorporated into swine else. Oh, here comes a melancholy mess. Upon him, Carlo. Charge. Charge. Enter Puntervolo, fastidious brisk, so gliardo, and fungoso. For God, Ser Punderval, I am sorry for your heaviness. Body on me, a shrewd mischance. I, had you no unicorn's horn, nor bizarre stone about you, ha? Sir, I would request you be silent. Nay, to him again. Take comfort, good night. If your cat have recovered her guitar, fear nothing. Your dog's mischance may be open. Say how, sweet Carlo, for so God made me the poor knight's moans draw me into fellowship of his misfortunes. But be not discouraged, good sir Puntervolo. I am content your adventure shall be performed upon your cat. Macky Lentie, aside. I believe you, Muscod, I believe you. For rather than thou wouldst make present repayment, thou wouldst take it upon his own bear return from Calais. Carlo, aside to Macky Lentie. Nice life! He'd be content so he were well reared out of his company to pay him five for one at his next meeting him in Paul's. But for your dogs, Puntervolo, if he be not outright dead, there is a friend of mine, a quack salver shall put life in him again, that's certain. Oh, no, that comes too late. Precious knight, will you suffer this? Draw, get me a candle and hardwax pleasantly. Exit, George. I, and bring up supper, for I am so melancholy. Oh, senor, where is your resolution? Resolution! Hang him, rascal! Oh, Carlo, if you love me, do not mention him. Why, how so? Oh, the arantist crocodile that ever Christian was acquainted with. By my gentry, I shall think the worst of tobacco while I live, for his sake. I did think him to be as tall, amen. Macky Lentie, aside to Carlo. Nay, Bufoni, the knight and knight. Slut, he looks like an image carved out of a box, full of knots. His face is for all the world like a Dutch purse, with a mouth downward, his beard the tassles, and he walks, let me see, as melancholy is one of the master's side in the counter. Do you hear, sir Puntervolo? Sir, I do and treat you no more, but in join you to silence, as you affect your peace. Nay, but dear knight, understand here are none but friends, and such is Vishwell. I would have you do this now. Flame your dog presently, but in any case keep the head, and stuff his skin well with straw, as you see these dead monsters at Bartholomew fair. I shall be sudden, I tell you. Oh, if you like not that, sir, get me somewhat a less dog, and clap into the skin. Here's a slave about the town here, a Jew, one Johann, or a fellow that makes peruchs will glue it on artificially, it shall never be discerned. Besides, it will be so much the warmer for the home to travel in, you know. Sir Puntervolo, death, can you be so patient? Or that, sir, you may have as you come through Germany, a familiar for little or nothing, it shall turn itself into the shape of your dog, or anything what you will for certain hours. Puntervolo strikes him. Oh, it's my life-night, what do you mean? You'll offer no violence, will you? Hold, hold! Re-enter George with wax and a lighted candle. It's death, you slave, you bundog you. As you love wit, stay the enraged knight, gentlemen. By my knighthood, he that stirs in his rescue dies. Drawer, be gone! Exit George. Murder, murder, murder! Hi, are you howling, you wolf? Gentlemen, as you tender your lives, suffer no man to enter to my revenge be perfect. Serah, buffoon, lie down. Make no exclamations, but down. Down you cur, or I will make thy blood flow on my rapier hits. Sweet knight, hold in thy fury, and for heaven I'll honour thee more than the Targ-doth-Mahomet. Down, I say. Carlo lies down, knocking within. Who's there? Constable, within. Here's the Constable, open the doors. Good matchelente. Open no door. If the Targ-doth-Mahomet Spain were here, he should not enter. One, help me with the light, gentlemen. You, not convey, sir officer. It's too brutal. Serah, close your lips. The rye will drop it in thy eyes by heaven. Oh, oh! Constable, within. Open the door, or I will break it open. Nay, good Constable, have patience a little, you shall come in presently. We have almost done. Pun Tarvolo seals up Carlo's lips. So, now, are you out of your humor, sir? Shift, gentlemen! They all draw and run out, except Fungoso, who can seal himself beneath the table. Enter Constable and officers, and seize Festidius as he is rushing by. Lay hold upon this gallant, and pursue the rest. Lay hold upon me, sir, for what? Mary, for your riot here, sir, with the rest of your companions. My riot? Master Constable, take heed what you do. Carlo, did I offer any violence? Oh, sir, you see he is not in case to answer you, and that makes you so peremptory. Re-enter George and drawer. Peremptory? Slythe, I appeal to the drawers if I did him any hard measure. They are all gone, there's none of them will be laid any hold on. Well, sir, you are like to answer till the rest can be found out. Slythe, I appeal to George here. George was not here. I'll weigh with him to the counter. Sirs, come, sir, you are best get yourself dressed somewhere. Exiant Constable and officers, with Festidius and Carlos. Good Lord, that Master Carlo could not take heed, and knowing what a gentleman the night is, if he be angry. A pox on them, they have left all the meat on our hands. Would they were choked with it for me? Re-enter Machilanti. What, are they gone, sirs? Oh, here's Master Massalante. Machilanti, pointing to Fungoso. Sir Ah, George, do you see that concealment there, that napkin under the table? Ah, it's all, Signor Fungoso. He's good pawn for the Reckoning. Be sure you keep him here, and let him not go away till I come again, though he offered to discharge all. I'll return presently. Sir, we have a pawn for the Reckoning. What, of Machilanti? No, look under the table. Fungoso, creeping out. I hope all be quiet now. If I can get but forth of this street, I cannot. Masters, I pray you tell me, is the Constable gone? What, Master Fungoso? What's not a good device the same of me, sirs? Yes, Faith, have you been here all this while? O Lord, I! Good, sir, look in the coast be clear, I'd feign be going. All's clear, sir, but the Reckoning, and that you must clear and pay before you go, I assure you. I pay? Slythe, I eat not a bit since I came into the house yet. Why, you may when you please. Tis already below that was bespoken. Bespoken? Not by me, I hope. By you, sir, I know not that, but it was for you and your company, I am sure. My company? Slythe, I was an invited guest, so I was. Faith, we have nothing to do with that, sir. They are all gone but you, and we must be answered. That's the short and the long-ond. Nay, if you will grow to extremities, my Masters, then would this pot, cup, and ore were in my belly if I have a cross about me? What, and have such apparel? Do not say so, Signor, that mightily discredit your clothes. As I am an honest man, my tailor had all my money this morning, and yet I must be feigned to alter my suit too. Good, sirs, let me go, till Friday night, and in good truth I have no stomach in the world to eat anything. That's no matter, so you pay, sir. Slythe, with what conscience can you ask me to pay that I never drank for? Yes, sir, I did see you drink once. Buy this cup, which is silver, but you did not, you do me infinite wrong. I looked in the pot once indeed, but I did not drink. Well, sir, if you can satisfy our Master, it shall be all one to us. Withen. Yard. Buy and buy. Exiant. Lose not yourself now, Signor. Scene five. A room in Deliro's house. Enter Macchi Lenti in Deliro. Tut, sir, you did bear too hard a conceit of me and that, but I will not make my love to you most transparent, in spite of any dust of suspicion that may be raised to cloud it. And henceforth, since I see it is so against your humour, I will never labour to persuade you. Why, I thank you, Signor. But what is that you tell me may concern my peace so much? Faith, sir. Tis thus. Your wife's brother, Signor Fungoso, being at supper tonight at a tavern with a sort of gallance. There have been some division amongst them and he is left in pawn for the reckoning. Now, if ever you look that time shall present you with an happy occasion to do your wife some gracious and acceptable service. Take hold of this opportunity and presently go and redeem them for being her brother and his credit so amply engaged as now it is. When she shall hear, as he cannot himself but he must out of extremity report it, that you came and offered yourself so kindly and with that respect of his reputation. Why, the benefit cannot but make her dote and grow mad of your affections. Now, by Heaven MacLente, I acknowledge myself exceedingly indebted to you by this kind tender of your love, and I am sorry to remember that I was ever so rude to neglect a friend of your importance. Bring me shoes and a cloak here. I was going to bed if you had not come. What tavern is it? The Miter, sir. Oh, why Fido, my shoes? Good faith, it cannot but please her exceedingly. Enter, Falas. Come, I am all what piece of night work you have in hand now that you call for a cloak and your shoes. That is this your pender? All, sweet wife, speak lower. I would not he should hear thee for a world. Hang him, Rascal. I cannot abide him for his treachery with his wild, quick-set beard there. Wither go you now with him? No, wither with him, good wife. I go alone to a place from whence I shall return instantly. Good MacLente, acquaint not her with it by any means. It may come so much the more accepted. Frame some other answer. I'll come back immediately. Exit. Nay, and I be not worthy to know whether you go. Stay till I take knowledge of your coming back. Hear you, Mistress Deliro? So, sir. And what say you? Faith, lady, my intents will not deserve this slight respect when you shall know them. Ha, your intents. Why, what may your intents be for God's sake? Truth, the time allows no circumstance, lady. Therefore know this was but a device to remove your husband hence, and bestow him securely whilst, with more conveniency, I might report to you a misfortune that hath happened to Monsieur Brisk. Nay, comfort, sweet lady. This night, being at supper, a sort of young gallant's committed a riot, for the which he only is apprehended and carried to the counter, where, if your husband and other creditors should have but knowledge of him, the poor gentlemen were unbun forever. Ah, me, that he were. Now, therefore, if you can think upon any present means for his delivery, do not for slow it. Abribe to the officer that committed him will do it. O Lord, sir, he shall not want for a bribe. Pray you, will you commend me to him and say I'll visit him presently? No, lady, I shall do you better service in protracting your husband's return so that you may go with more safety. Good truth, so you may. Farewell, good sir. Exit Machilante. Lord, how a woman may be mistaken in a man. I would have sworn upon all the testaments in the world he had not loved Master Brisk. Bring me my keys, they are made. Alas, good gentleman, if all I have in this earthly world will pleasure him, it shall be at his service. Exit. How Machilante sweats in this business. If you mark him. Aye, you shall see the true picture of spite and on. Here comes the pawn and his redeemer. Scene six, a room at the miter. Enter Deliro from Gosso and George. Come, brother, be not discouraged for this man, what? No, truly, I am not discouraged. But I protest you, brother, I have done imitating any more gallants either in purse or apparel, but as shall become a gentleman for good carriage or so. You say well. This is all in the bill here, is it not? Aye, sir. There's your money, tell it. And brother, I am glad I met with so good occasion to show my love to you. I will study to deserve it in good truth and I live. What, is it right? Aye, sir, and I thank you. Let me have a capon's leg saved, now the reckoning is paid. You shall, sir. Exit. Enter Machilante. Where's Senior Deliro? Here, Maglenty. Hark you, sir, have you dispatched this same? Aye, Mary have I. Well then, I can tell you news. Risk is in the counter. In the counter? Tis true, sir, committed for the stir here tonight. Now, would I have you send your brother home afore him, with the report of this your kindness done him to his sister, which will so pleasingly possess her, and out of his mouth too, that in the meantime you may clap your action on brisk, and your wife, being in so happy a mood, cannot entertain it ill by any means. Tis very true, she cannot, indeed, I think. Think, why, tis past that, you shall never meet the like opportunity, I assure you. I will do it. Brother, pray you go home afore, this gentleman and I have some private business, and tell my sweet wife I'll come presently. I will, brother. And, senior, acquaint your sister, how liberally and out of his bounty your brother has used you, do you see, made you a man of good reckoning, redeemed that you never were possessed of credit, gave you as gentlemen like terms as might be, found no fault with your coming behind the fashion, not nothing. Nay, I am out of those humours now. Well, if you be out, keep your distance, and be not made a shot-clog any more. Come, senior, let's make haste. Exiant. Scene seven, the counter. Enter fallous and fastidious brisk. Oh, master fastidious, what pity is it to see so sweet a man as you are in so sour a place. Kisses him. As upon her lips, does she mean? Oh, this is to be imagined the counter be like. Troth, fair lady, tis first the pleasure of the fates, and next of the constable to have it so. But I am patient and indeed comforted the more in your kind visit. Nay, you shall be comforted in me more than this, if you please, sir. I sent you word by my brother, sir, that my husband played to arrest you this morning. I know now whether you received it or no. No, believe it, sweet creature, your brother gave me no such intelligence. Oh, the Lord! But has your husband any such purpose? Oh, sweet master brisk, yes. And therefore be presently discharged, for if he come with his actions upon you, Lord deliver you. You are in for one half a score a year. He kept the poor man in Ludgate once twelve year for sixteen shillings. Where's your keeper? For love's sake, call him. Let him take a bribe and dispatch you. Lord, how my heart trembles. Here are no spies, are there? No, sweet mistress, why are you in this passion? Oh, Lord, Master Fastidious, if you knew how I took up my husband to-day when he said he would arrest you, and how I railed at him that persuaded him to it, the scholar there, who on my conscience loves you now, and what care I took to send you intelligence by my brother, and how I gave him four sovereigns for his pains, and now how I came running out hither without man or boy with me as soon as I heard on it. You'd say I were in a passion indeed. You keeper, for God's sake. Oh, Master Brisk, as this in you fears, heart is the choice when one is compelled either by silence to die with grief, or by speaking to live with shame. Fair lady, I conceive you, and may this kiss assure you that where adversity hath as it were contracted, prosperity shall not, odds me your husband. Enter Deliro and Machilanti. Ah, is it thus? Why, how now, senior Deliro, has the wolf seen you? Hath Gorgon's head made marble of you? Some planets strike me dead. Why, look you, sir. I told you, you might have suspected this long afore had you pleased, and have saved this labour of admiration now, and passion, and such extremities as this frail lump of flesh is subject unto. Nay, why do you not dote now, senior? Me thinks you should say it were some enchantment. Deceptio visus or so. If you could persuade yourself there were a dream now to an excellent faith, try what you can do, senior. It may be your imagination will be brought to it in time. There's nothing impossible. Ha, sweet husband! Out, lascivious strumpet! Exit. What, and did you see how ill that stale vein became in my fore, of sweet wife and dear heart? And are you fallen just into the same now with sweet husband? Away, follow him. Go, keep state. What, remember you are a woman, turn impudent. Give him not the head, though you give him the horns. Away, and yet, me thinks, you should take your leave of enfant perdue here, your forlorn hope. Exit, fallus. How now, monsieur brisk? What, Friday night, and in affliction to you, and yet your appulpament, your delicate muscles? I perceive the affection of ladies and gentle women pursues you wherever you go, monsieur. Now in good faith, and as I am gentle, there could not have come a thing in this world to have distracted me more than the wrinkled fortunes of this poor dame. Oh, yes, sir. I can tell you a think will distract you much better, believe it. Signor De Liro has entered three actions against you. Three actions, monsieur. Mary, one of them, I'll put you in comfort, is but three thousand, and the other two, some five thousand pound together. Triples. Triples. Oh, I am undone. May not altogether so, sir. The knight must have his hundred pound repaid, that will help too. And then six score pounds for a diamond, you know where. These b-things will weigh, monsieur. They will weigh. Oh, heaven! What do you sigh? This is to kiss the hand of a countess, to have her coach sent for you, to hang ponyards in ladies' garters, to wear bracelets of their hair, and for every one of these great favours to give some slight jewel of five hundred crowns or so, white is nothing. Now, monsieur, you see the plague that treads on the heels of your foppery. Well, go your ways in. Remove yourself to the two-penny ward quickly to save charges, and there set up your rest to spend Sir Pantarvalo's hundred pound for him. Away, good pommander. Go. Exit fastidious. Why? Here's the change. Now is my soul at peace. I am as empty of all envy now as they have merit to be envied at. My humour, like a flame, no longer lasts than it hath stuff to feed it, and their folly being now raked up in their repentant ashes affords no ample subject to my spleen. I am so far from malicing their states that I begin to pity them. It grieves me to think they might have a being. I could wish they might turn wise upon it and be saved now, so heaven were pleased, but let them vanish vapours. Gentlemen, how like you it has not been tedious. Nay, we have done censuring now. Yes, Faith. How so? Marry, because we'll imitate your actors, and be out of our humours. Besides, here are those round about you have more ability in censure than we, whose judgements can give it a more satisfying allowance. We'll refer you to them. Exiant Cordatus and Midas. Machi Lenti, coming forward. Ah, is it even so? Well, gentlemen, I should have gone in and returned to you as I was asper at the first, but by reason the shift would have been somewhat long, and we are loath to draw your patience farther. We'll entreat you to imagine it. And now that you may see I will be out of humour for company, I stand wholly to your kind approbation, and indeed am nothing so peremptory as I was in the beginning. Marry, I will not do as plautice and as amfitrio for all this. Sumiovis cower's applaudite, and beg applaudite for God's sake. But if you, out of the bounty of your good liking, will bestow it, why you may in time make lean Marcy Lenti as fat as Sir John Falstaff. Exit. The epilogue at the presentation for Queen Elizabeth by Machi Lenti. Never till now did object greet my eyes with any light content, but in her graces all my malicious powers have lost their stings, and theus fled from my soul at sight of her, and she hath chased all black thoughts from my bosom, like as the sundoth darkness from the world. My stream of humour is run out of me, and as our city's torrent bent to infect the hallowed bowels of the Silver Times is checked by strength and clearness of the river, till it hath spent itself even at the shore. So in the ample and unmeasured flood of her perfections are my passions drowned, and I have now a spirit as sweet and clear as the more rarefied and subtle air, with which and with a heart as pure as fire, yet humble as the earth. Do I implore? Neals. O heaven, that she whose presence hath affected this change in me may suffer most late change in her admired and happy government, may still this island be called fortunate and rugged trees and tremble at the sound when fame shall speak it with an emphasis. Let foreign polity be dull as lead and pale invasion come with half a heart when he but looks upon her blessed soil. The throat of war be stopped within her land and turtle-footed peace dance fairy rings about her court where never may there come suspect or danger but all trust in safety. Let flattery be dumb and envy blind in her dread presence, death himself admire her, and may her virtues make him to forget the use of his inevitable hand. Fly from her age, sleep time before her throne, our strongest wall falls down when she is gone. End of Act Five End of Every Man Out of His Humour by Ben Johnson