 The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Johnny Green at his orchestra. The orchestra opens the program with Wahoo! When next Wednesday comes along, look out for pocketbooks on strings, false alarms at the front door and breaks under hats because it will be April the 1st. Each one of us will have to take our share of fooling on April Fool's Day, but there's one thing nobody can ever fool you about, that day or any other day, and that's Jell-O. Because Jell-O has that extra-rich fruit flavor put in by a secret process and with no other gelatin dessert has it. All you have to do is take one taste to know that here's the best gelatin dessert you ever tasted. Crammed with real fruit flavor, extra-rich, twice as good. Jell-O tastes as delicious as the fresh ripe fruit itself, and Jell-O's six glowing colors have a real springtime beauty. Just be sure it is Jell-O that you ask for, and don't accept any substitutes. Always insist on the one and only genuine Jell-O. That wandering boy, that prodigal son, that vagabond lover, Jack Benny! What a reception! Gee, it's great to be back in New York again, and I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart that I... Well, I'm just lost for words. Gee, I don't know what to say. I... I... Go on, say it, Jack. Well, Jell-O again. Well, Jack, you're trembling all over. No, just in New York. But, Don, I didn't expect such a reception on my return here. The applause, the cheers, the flowers. What flowers? Here in my lapel. Well, the audience seems to be glad that you're back, Jack. Now, tell us about your trip to Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Washington. Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Don. There's nothing like traveling around the east. The scenery, the crowds, the industries. It's just fascinating. Well, I hate to argue with the boss, but listen. What's the east got that the west hasn't got? Oh, that's right, Don. You're from Denver. I guess I started something. But you must admit that you have no place out west like Niagara Falls. No, but we have the Grand Canyon. Yes, but after all, what can you do with a canyon? I mean, they're so empty, Don. That's all. Say it would take three Niagara Falls to fill one Grand Canyon. Well, it can't be so good if they want to fill it. All right. All right. He got me on that one, Jack. But go ahead, now. What else have you got here in the east? What else he's asking? Well, down right here in New York, we have that great central park. And out west, we have Yellowstone Park. That's pronounced Yellowstone, Don. But I can see your point of view. And don't overlook the beautiful eastern rivers, the Delaware, the Hudson, and the Mississippi. Now, wait a minute, Jack. Wait a minute. The Mississippi is out west. Oh, no, I won't concede that. The Mississippi is in the east. I still claim it's out west. Well, that's not quite about it. The Mississippi has two parts, the head and the mouth. I'll take the mouth, and you can have the head. No, I want the mouth. Gosh, what a silly argument. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. What's the matter with you? You look like you didn't win the sweepstakes. Oh, it isn't sad so much. But Don and I just had an argument. He wants the mouth of the Mississippi. That guy would kiss anybody. Mary, do you think the scenery out west is better than in the east? Sure, Jack. I think the Panama Canal is wonderful. The Panama Canal is down south. I know, but it's good enough to be in Hollywood. Hmm. Say, Candy, come here. We're getting no place tonight, and I know you will help us get there. Oh, you can count on me, Jack. I know, but point black, Candy. Which do you like better, the east or the west? Well, Jack, I'm from California, and you know the climate out there is so marvelous you can raise anything. That's right. You're right there. My father's in a fruit growing business out there. Oh, I didn't know that, Candy. What has he raised? Orange juice. That's a fine joke on an empty stomach. Who told you to say that? I promise not to tell. Come on out, Candy. Come on. Who told you to say that? Well, you must know. May west. Oh, then you do like west better than the east. Oh, I don't know. I never met Miss East. Mary. Mary, what are you laughing at? Peraloid in the Milky Way. Peraloid. Did you see it? No, but I heard it was funny. Right now, I'd give $10 to see Johnny Green. Here I am, and I can certainly use it. Can't take a joke. Johnny, I hope him tonight deals with the east and the west. If you had your way, where would you live? Where you are, Jack. I like your apartment. Well, thanks, Johnny. It's some place, isn't it? Yeah, on a clear day, you can see the window. What window? But really, Johnny, is my apartment beautiful? Did you notice the baby grand? Did I? How old is she? Two. Come here, Johnny. I'll tell you what she said this morning. Listen, I walk into her nursery. She says, Hello, Daddy. I want to tell you about it. And if you walk into Jack's kitchen, you will find jello in the ice box. And all six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. No kidding, Jack. Did you really say that? Yeah. And what else do you think she said? What? Say Johnny. Seven played by Johnny Green and his eastern Californian. Say, that's out of 12, Johnny. Ah, music dust through the savage beast. Oh, thanks, Jack. I'm glad you like it. Of course, Johnny, I come, you know, I myself, I come from a family of musicians. You know, my father was quite musical. Oh, really? Yes. In fact, my father had a beard so long that he played a violin three years before he found out it was a cello. But really, I am a lover of music. It's always been my ambition to hear... Come in as usual. How do you do? I'd like to see the star of this program. Quiet, rat. I'm the star. Jack Benny is the name. Are you Jack Benny? Yes, sir. That's funny. You don't look anything like your autograph. Well, the profile is a little different. What do you want? I'm a violinist. Here's my card. Your card. Agnes Bryant 90610. Oh, gosh, it's on the other side. Oh, say Jack. Yes, Johnny. Is that Bryant nine or Bryant five? Bryant nine. Is there anything else you want? Yeah, have you got a nickel? Hey, that's the wrong card. I'm a violinist and I'd like to get on this program. What's your name? Fritz Packard. Hear that, Johnny? Fritz Packard. Are you acquainted with Chrysler? Yes, we're stopping at the same garage. That's funny. I knew you'd say that. That's a nice violin you have there. Is it a Strativarius? What's that? I said, is it a Strativarius? You'll have to pardon me. I can't hear very good. Well, how do you play the violin? My ear. Well, I'm sorry young man, but Mr. Green has several fiddlers in his orcs and in an emergency I play the violin myself. Why? Oh, just for pastime, I guess. Do you know Mendelssohn's spring song? What's the name of it? Humorette. I've never heard of it. What I'm looking for is a job. Well, where have you played before? At weddings. Weddings? Well, isn't that a good job? Yes, but it only lasts a minute. I can't go on a honeymoon with him. Well, I guess you're right, but listen young fellow, I don't think we can use you. This is a comedy program. A what? A comedy program. Well, you can trust me. It won't go any further. I don't care how far it goes. It's no secret. Well, don't get so old. All I want is a job. Well, you'll have to see Johnny Green, our musical director. What does he do? He's over there with a stick in his hand. Well, I'm not afraid of him. Where is he? Right over there at the piano. Oh, that guy. Well, well, uh, hello, friends. Slapperman. Hey, Jack, Jack, look who's here. Well, well, Slapperman, I didn't know it was you. Where'd you learn to speak English? In Hollywood. In Hollywood? Hell. Yes, I'm in a movie tickets for Paramount. It's called flyer to specials. Believe me, I'm a second sailor temple. That's great. Well, what did you do? Fly back here? I came by automobile. Oh, yeah? What kind of a car? One day a limousine. The next, they are two-wheeled cars. The next, they are old cars. Oh, your thumb does look a little weather-beaten. Did you do any trucking? Sure. From Detroit to Cleveland. Hey, hey! Well, anyway, Slapperman, I'm glad you're back. But tell me, what was the violin trick you were playing on it? Well, it's the only way you can get into this studio. You've got to look like a musician. Well, can you play the violin? Of course. I even need to synchronize it. Here, let me show you. I'll give you a sample. All right, go ahead, Slapper. Come on, let's give him a hand. Oh, are you satisfied? I'm satisfied. No string can I lift. And I'm here with your lips and my lips Away from above I'll walk with wings on my feet Now And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to read a letter I received this morning from a woman in Constantinople, South Dakota Regarding the plays we have been presenting on the Jell-O program She says, Dear Mr. Benny I am the mother of twelve children Eight of whom are living with me And the other four listen to your program But we would all like to listen tonight So why don't you give us a play that the children can enjoy Something like Cinderella or the Little Glass Slipper I know my kitties would like that Sign yours very truly Mrs. Dione Cantor See, twelve children went on What do you think of that, Mary? Can you imagine what people ask you to do nowadays? Well, Jack, the customer is always right I know, but Cinderella Hey, Johnny, do you know anything about Cinderella? If I did, I wouldn't talk Pardon me. Oh, Wilson? Yes, Jack? Here's a lady who wants us to do Cinderella What do you think? Well, why not do it? It's easy, you know? It's a fairy tale Yeah, I know Cinderella is the stepdaughter of a very aristocratic mother Who has two daughters of her own They all go to a ball at the royal palace Given by the king But they don't ask Cinderella As she has no clothes or social standing The first reason is enough But how can we play it, Don? We haven't enough women in our cast, eh? Oh, Jack, I have an idea Why not make it three brothers? You could be the stepbrothers, Cinderella Cinderella? Hey, there's an idea I'm glad Freddie didn't think of that first, you know? And Wilson and Johnny could be the two mean despicable brothers Smart bit of casting, if you ask me But what about Kenny Baker? Say, Kenny, what will you be? I'll be 21 next week Well, I didn't have to ask him, you know Well, anyway, madam, your children will get their wish And this play, Cinderella, will go on immediately After the next number, which will be played by Johnny Green While Kenny Baker sits down and writes himself a birthday card Play, Johnny Johnny the piano And now, folks, the theater is already packed For this great play of ours, Cinderella And the show is about to start Curtains, music, John Just cleaning the furnace, mother And I'm so tired Well, hurry up, you little brat There's other work for you to do Yes, Mater That stepbrother of ours is slower than molasses And twice as sappy as a little tramp Hmm, it's eight o'clock Now, come on, you boys, put on your best clothes You know the king is giving a blowout at the royal palace tonight And you're both invited Okay, ma Oh, mother, can I go to the palace, too? No, you're only a stepcar Put their clothes, then get downstairs with the rest of the ashes All right, mother Gee, I wish I could go to the den Now that I've learned how to swing it What, in that suit? You'd be a fine-looking sight to appear before the king Yeah, you disgrace us all You're too homely to go anyplace I am not homely I'm better looking than Lanny Ross, ain't I, Mary? No Oh, well Anyway, I'm not in the play yet Oh, yes Come on, boys You must hurry or you'll be late for the ball All right, goodbye, mother Goodbye, my son Pender Allen, get down in the cellar and be the rest Uh, woe is me How I wish I could have gone to the palace tonight Shut up Now you get to work or I'll beat you to within an inch of your... Stop Don't you touch me You may be my stepmother But don't you come a step fast And when I return, I want to find your work done Oh, I am so unhappy I wish I was Victor Hugo so I could be less miserable Uh, woe is me Who is that? Who are you, pray-tell? Sounds like the crime club program Boo-hoo-hoo What are you crying for, young man? Oh, I wish I wish B-b-b-b-b-boo-hoo-hoo Cut out that crossbeesh stuff and tell me what you wish I wish I could go to the ball tonight Then I shall see that you go I am your ferry godfather That's news to me But I can't go in these clothes What will the King and Queen think Of this shabby suit full of cinders? With one touch of this magic wand You will become a boat-rammer With one touch of this magic wand, and there you are, Prince Charming. Oh, Godfather, I look just like Clark Gable. Yes, and you are dressed better than Carol Lombard. Thank you. Thank you for this lovely tuxedo and high-silk hat. And have you noticed your slippers? Yes, Godfather. They're a little stiff. What are they made of? Glass. Oh, glass slippers. Isn't that wonderful? Now my feet can see where they're going. But tell me, Godfather, how can I get to the palace I have neither coach nor footman? I'll fix that. Bring me that table. The table, yes. Here you are, Dracula. Now I shall touch it with my magic wand. Oh, what a beautiful carriage. And look at the big red letters on the license plate. Oh, what a beautiful carriage. Oh, what a beautiful carriage. And look at the big red letters on the license plate. But, Godfather, there are no horses to draw the carriage. Believe that to me. Go into the kitchen and fetch me six boxes of... You know, Clark. With that extra rich fresh, I get you. Here you are, Sven Garlick. Oh, watch closely, and you shall have your horses. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Godfather. I'm so happy that I'm going to the palace after all and meet the princes. Yes, Cinderella, you are going. But remember one thing. You must be the palace will be home before the clock strikes twelve. Or again, you will become a bum. Remember, you must be home by twelve. Yes, Godfather. Now could you touch something else and turn it into ten bucks so I can take the princes out? I was just going to touch you for ten bucks. I knew we went too far with this play. But wait, how can I go? I have no chauffeur. I'll fix that too. Why, Kenny Baker, are you my chauffeur? Yes, that's what I get for hanging around. Now go, Cindy. And remember, you must be back by twelve. Yes, yes. Goodbye, Godfather. It wasn't that funny. Here you are, sir. The Roxy. I don't want the Roxy. I want the palace. And get there before the prices change. Yes, sir, you bet. The next scene finds Cinderella arriving at the royal palace where the ball is in full swing. Princess, you dance divinely. Shall we stroll into the garden? What's out there? The moonlight. I don't want any. Ah, don't forget, Princess. The next dance is ours. All right, but it'll cost you a dime. I wonder who that can be. All our invited guests are here. Well, why not bid him enter, Princess? Come in. My, what a handsome man. I wonder who he can be. Princess, with that guy around, we don't stand a chance with the princess. Tell me who you are, you great, big, handsome brute. I won't tell. It's me, folks. You know Cinderella. But surely you will tell me I am the princess. Oh, I don't bother with him. He's probably advertising something. Go away, Jonathan. And you, too, Donald. I'm going to dance with this baby. Say, what's your name, good-looking? Jack Charming. I mean Prince Benny. Oh, I don't know. Call me Tuss. You know, brothers, there's something familiar about his face. He looks not unlike a master of ceremonies that we know. Princess, who are those royal punks? Oh, just a couple of my suitors, but it's you I love. Ah, Princess, shall we tackle the minuet? Okay, sailor, let's go. Ah, Princess, you are wonderful. You dance just like Ginger Rogers. And you dance like Fred Astaire. Well, I know enough steps to be Astaire. Kiss me. Kiss me, my fair one. Oh, that guy is here again. Who's that? I don't know. He's been nice to me. Yes, and it's nearly 12 o'clock. And remember, Prince Charming, you must be whom by the stroke of 12. Or hallelujah, you're a bum. Oh, my beloved, I must leave you now. I must be off. No, no, no. Yes, Princess, I must fly the clock is striking 12. Why, are you afraid of those gongs? Yes, I'm an amateur, Prince. What did I tell you? You wouldn't heed my warning? Look, look, again, I am in rags and tatters. I knew this dream couldn't last. Throw the bum out. Look, look, it's our stuff, brother, Cinderella. I knew his face was familiar. But, Godfather, what happened to my beautiful tuxedo? I'll show you what happened to his... Horatio! Horatio! Yes, Mr. Godfather. Tell him what happened to his clothes. Well, Princey, here's the law-down. I rent out census suits for all kinds of dances in the best grade. And, Mr. Grandfather told me I should rent you this suit until 12 o'clock Eastern standard time. Well, it's 12 o'clock. Here I am. I got the suit and thank you. Alacade, Alacade. You said it. And you, Princess, don't forget, please. I want the dress back in the morning. Oh, look, look, I still have my glass slippers. That reminds me, I want your socks back in the morning, too. And plates on it. I'm one of those people who believes there's a lot of pleasure to be had from something new and exciting to eat. If you agree, and I'll bet you do, I can tell you how to make a grand new dish. It's apricot cheese salad, a happy combination of apricots and lemon jello. Here's how to make it. Disolve a package of lemon jello in a pint of warm water and chill until slightly thick. Then add two and a half cups of canned apricots. Mold firm and turn out on crisp lettuce. Garnish with real mayonnaise and little squares of cream cheese. It's swell. Lush as apricots in a clear, shimmering mold of lemon jello. You'll like a color combination of pale yellow and apricot gold, and you'll go for the flavor combination in a big way. Jello tastes twice as good as ever before, so use it for salads as well as desserts, and you'll find it twice as useful. Just be sure big red letters on the package. They spell jello. The last number of the 27th program is the new Jello series, and we'll with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Oh, Johnny. Oh, yes, Jack. I want to wish you good luck on your opening at the Paramount Theater Saturday. Thank you very much, sir. And I hope you all like our sketch, Cinder Allen, and the moral of our little play is, be it ever so humble. There's no clothes like your own. Good night, Paul. Good night, Paul.