 The Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I'm Benita Coleman. I'm inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College. This is in the town of Ivy, USA. It's five o'clock in the dark winter afternoon and the campus is in a soggy state. The trees are dripping, the ivy is drooping, and only the sturdier students are seen sloshing along in the mud-stained snow. All of which seems to have had no effect on Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, president of Ivy, who returns home to number one faculty role in a buoyant and triumphant mood, as his delighted and delightful wife, Victoria, says. You seem mighty perky on such a murky day, darling. Come on, tell me what's the good news. Good news. As a matter of fact, I had a perfectly abysmal day. I was needle, nettle, and besieged by all kinds of carping petitioners. But, however well fortified I may be to cope with normal grievances, I have an Achilles heel for whimsy on a busy day. A whimsical heel? It sounds enchanting. Well, it's a fair description of young Jethro Matthews III. Oh, he's the one who made the big fuss with the dramatic society about the scenery being too realistic. He also had a dandy suggestion that we do death of a salesman as a ballet. Yeah, he's trying very hard to be consistently unconventional. He's a bright boy, but he's failing in his poetry course. It seems he hasn't attended any classes recently. Why not? Oh, he said he could learn far more about poetry by contemplating the vistas of nature than the visage of Professor Heeslip. Well, Julie, he's got a good point there. But he's a young, new life-grower. Oh, yes, yes. As a matter of fact, I was intensely individual myself when I was his age. I bet you were a beautiful baby. Ravishing, darling. But my critics were divided into two schools. One believing that I was just a mild eccentric, and the other that I was a boring poser. Both views were accurate. I was what is known in those days as a bohemian. Oh, I know, yeah. Sit around in a smoky room and try to shock each other. Yeah, that's right. Adolescents from 20 to 70 who sit on the floor of what they call a studio with candles stuck in the mix of bottles. They have Schoenberg on the record player, which cannot be heard, of course, because of the furious talk about music and the pity for the poor, grubby businessmen. The men who made the candles, manufactured the bottles, built the record player, recorded the Schoenberg, and were idiots enough to forgo the last three months' rent on the studio. Bohemians making a fetish of the unconventional. Nonsense. Ridiculous. Wonderful, wasn't it? What a lot of fun we had. Right back into it, didn't you? How did I get to be such a qualified authority on eccentric behaviorism? Did I make any sense? Well, certainly. You sounded like a professional psychiatrist. A psychologist. Psychiatrist, psychologist. What's the difference? The same as between a poor student in the library and a rich one in the malt shop. One studies and one treats. It's the time I've ever understood the difference. But to get back to your day at the office, what are the dreadful things made you feel so good? Well, for one thing, Professor Fisher is probably still wondering what happened to him. Professor Fisher, the law school, what you do to him? Well, I asked him whether he didn't agree with me. That it was high time we had another look at the bylaws of the Student Legislative Council. He seized upon my suggestion, turned it into an indictment, and launched into a prosecutor's harangue. I'll bet you put the old harangue tang back in his cage. Or would I manage to turn the case of Fisher versus Hall into the case of Hall versus Fisher? Oh, I gave him a run for his money. You should have seen his face. You really poured it on, huh? There was really no difference of opinion to start with, but he worked himself up into a hopeless contradiction which I pounced upon with alacrity. And then, Vicky... Yeah, Louise, I'll get in the door, darling. Don't stop. Now you were pouncing. Go ahead. Pounce. I used an old trick of forensics. As NASA champion and ruthless debater in my day, I... Oh, oh, I can come in. Excuse me, Dr. Hall. Is there someone to see me, Louise? Yes, I told him to wait. The stout one who talks like a birthday card. Yes, it couldn't be anybody else. It's Professor Heath Slip. Always sounds as though he were reading off tombstones. That's the one, Mrs. Hall. Well, you'd better send him in, Louise. Yes, sir. And Mrs. Hall, I told him not to bother because it's working now, but he wanted a dollar anyway. Well, Professor Heath Slip? No, he's in the hall. I sent the other one away. I'll tell him you'll see him, Dr. Hall. Sorry, have you any idea who wanted the dollar? Not yet, darling. In due time, we can't rush, Louise. With her, small phrases are tributaries that finally join a river filled with the... with the Flotsam and Jetsam effects, which will eventually flow out into the Sea of Knowledge. Well, salutations, Skipper. Greetings, there, baby. Hello, Professor Heath Slip. My apologies, but I couldn't help overhearing. You were speaking of the Sea of Knowledge. What a proper subject for a conversation in the presidential mansion. And pray tell what intellectual voyage had you embarked upon at this hour of twilight? We were just wondering about a man who wanted a dollar. What? Oh, yes, Jason in search of the Golden Fleece wanted a delightful sense of humor you have fairly near. Yeah, well, for the dollar where it is, we need one. Ah, yes, a cogent observation. Skipper, I just stopped by to return your book. My book? Oh, yes, the Christopher Fry play. Thank you, Professor. Did you enjoy it? Oh, I read it with some interest, particularly because of the flurry it has caused in certain literary circles. I liked it. Well, fair lady, it is pleasant in a way, but I found it much too wordy and flowery for my more austere tastes. Didn't you, Skipper? No. Oh. I enjoyed its richness of language, but then I like words and flowers. Yes, yes, of course, a very gifted dramatist. Oh, by the way, Skipper, I stood up for you last evening. You did? Well, thank you. Oh, yes, Skipper, I took up the cuddles in your defence. Really? Well, what about? Oh, nothing serious, mind you. There was a discussion, and when certain, shall I say, impetuous statements were made, I couldn't resist raising my voice slightly in protest. And there was jolly nice of you. You spoke, fair lady? No. Well, I'd appreciate knowing what these statements were, professor. They might be true. Oh, I hardly think so, Skipper. Just the irresponsible plattle of a ladle tongue. What could be more ridiculous than to even suggest that you couldn't take time to attend to the practical problems of a university? Are you asking, professor, or is that what was said? I mean, is it a quote or a question? Oh, well, fair lady, perhaps I shouldn't have brought this up. But who would suggest that I... Oh, dear, look at the time. It's nearly dinner. I must be off. Thank you again for the fireplace, Skipper. We must sit down and have a real discussion on it one day. Yes, I think one day would be... Goodbye, professor, he says. Goodbye, professor. Goodbye, fair lady. And, Skipper, I wouldn't give it a moment's thought if I were you, just that I was so surprised about Agnes. I mean Dean Huxley. I didn't know she felt that way about you. Well, I must fly. It was an idle tongue, full of irresponsible plattle, if ever I heard one. Well, you can't take him seriously. As my father used to say, a fool's tongue is always long enough to cut his own throat. As my mother used to say, it's better to plant a seed of goodwill than to put a crumb in another man's bed. Very good, Mickey. Yeah, I wish he'd stopped saying fair lady. Fair lady. Sounds like a bus conductor. Backed off and changed the subject when you stood up to him about the fry play, huh? Well, he slip as a man of many sentences and, um, a few convictions. And what did he mean about Dean Huxley? What nonsense. Yes. And, Scotty, do you never finish telling me about how you vanquished Professor Fisher? Uh, Fisher? Oh, well, now. When I, what I think of it, I shouldn't take too much credit because I had him from the very beginning. Realizing the weakness in his case, I could afford to buy time and do nothing. Well, but you said you pounced on him. Why, I didn't really pounce. I just made a small point. It really wasn't such a, such a... You know, it is surprising, Agnes Huxley. I've always had a great personal regard for our Dean of Women. And, well, I felt there was a mutual... Oh, of course, darling. You know she likes you. Now, come on. What about Fisher? Well, what could I have done or said that would have made her change? Who says she's changed? There's nobody on the staff more loyal to you. After all, there's nothing surprising about her saying I didn't have time to attend to all the problems of the university. The president of any college has to budget his activities by the very complex nature of the... Yes. Come in, Louisa. Excuse me, Dr. Hall. Oh, yes, yes, Louisa. I forgot to tell you she called this morning, said she couldn't make it. And Mrs. Hall, he said the dollar was for coming over here and I told him you don't pay for just visiting without Fixing. Certainly not. Fixing what? Oh, don't worry. It's working now. And Dr. Hall, she said she was sorry. She? But it's not worth a dollar, Mrs. Hall. I wouldn't pay it for... Oh, no, no, indeed. I gladly pay a dollar just to find out what he came to fix. True, darling. $3.50. $4.75. Any other bids? Going at $4.75 to the beautiful lady for the blue eyes. So, grab it up, Louisa. I don't know what you're talking about that time. I'm using a time. I'm afraid I didn't catch the name of who it was that was sorry she couldn't make it and what it was she was sorry she couldn't make it. You didn't? It was a commuter meeting. Miss Dean Huxley. Dean Huxley? You mean she can't attend the faculty advisor's meeting tomorrow night? I wouldn't know. Said she wouldn't be there at all. Seems to me people should leave plugs in where they belong. Icebox didn't work all morning. Well, I have my work to do. I think I've got it. Louisa knocked the plug out of the refrigerator and didn't know it. Called the repairman and by the time he got here she discovered her mistake. It's the first time I can remember Dean Huxley missing an important commuter meeting. Of course there needn't be any connection. I mean this couldn't have anything to do with her criticism of me. Do you think? Oh, she's probably just swamped her studio problem. She works awfully hard, Tony. Yes, yes. I realized that a very capable woman and her department is rather short-staffed. I wonder... Yes, that could be it. She did say she needed another assistant but that was a year ago and it was the board of governors who turned down the request. I never thought you would hold me personally responsible for that. Well, I'm still waiting, darling. Waiting? What for, Vicky? Well, won't you please tell me how you gave Professor Fisher the coup de grace? Oh, yes, yes. Professor Fisher. Yes, well... I'm afraid I exaggerated a bit. It wasn't really a conquest, you know. Just a minor skirmish. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure I scored my point at all. Oh, darling. Now, don't let he slips four tongues for your day. Well, you know what a fine woman Agnes Huxley is? You've always said there wasn't a more efficient and understanding dean of women anywhere. Yes, and that's why I'm perturbed, Vicky. When such an able executive as Dean Huxley suddenly leaves a cryptic message that she can't attend a most important meeting, which, of course, has nothing to do with what she thinks of my administrative ability, or has it? Well, I didn't know I was so lacking in understanding of the female faculty. Perhaps I should let the male staff alone for a while and concentrate on the diss stuff. This presentation of the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Ivy, it's noon the next day. Mrs. Hall has just returned from town when she's intercepted by her housekeeper, Louisa. It's none of my business, Mrs. Hall. I got that recipe for the clam chowder from my great aunt in Savannah. He always liked it before. Nobody else I know makes it the same. And he just said, no, thank you. That's all. Well, I wouldn't take that too seriously, Louisa. Perhaps Dr. Hall didn't feel like soup today. Not that I believe in keeping a good recipe a secret. It's the bell pepper makes it. I imagine strain it first. Yes. Well, thank you. I'll call you if I want anything. All right. But mind how you walk. I got a cake in the oven. Looks good, too. My sister says that's why she won't own a vacuum cleaner. Huh? Said you can't pull a straw out of it to stick in the cake and see if it's done. It's jumping over the sofa, but it can wait. I believe I have it. It wasn't a year ago when the Board of Governors refused to add another assistant. It was at least six months before that. Remember when the delegations from those two sororities came to see me about a pledge they both claimed? Yes. And you told them they were big girls now to work it out for themselves. Darling, Louisa's got a cake in the oven. If you must keep pacing, please do it on tiptoe. Well, I can't pace on tiptoe, darling. It'd look ridiculous. You see, Dean Huxley must have found out that the girls had come to me instead of to her. And even with the most intelligent of women, those things rankle, you know. She wouldn't ever hold a thing like that against you or anything else. As a matter of fact, I just ran into her an hour ago. You did? What did she say? Oh, the usual hello and how are you? And she was in a terrible hurry, so we didn't actually... Well, you mean she didn't speak to you? I didn't say that. Well, I don't want to put a false construction on a minor incident, but it would surprise me if she held it against you, too. If I weren't the president's wife and I thought nobody would recognize me, I'd march over to Heathlip's house, the class, or wherever that windbag is at the moment and give him a good punch in the nose for carrying tails. You know me, one round Cromwell. Well, Vicki, I have none of the conventional prejudices against women in executive positions, but I've found that they have a tendency to emotionalize issues. To take the personal rather than the objective point of view. I can understand how Dean Huxley has misconstrued my action on the sorority matter as a pre-emptory assumption of authority, but I'm sorry that she allowed this to influence her judgment. I take this committee meeting tonight. She should be there. Why isn't she coming? Well, maybe her cousin's sick, or if she's got a cousin, or possibly she's been evicted from her house and moved tonight. I mean, there could be a dozen reasons. Maybe she's sitting on a jewellery. There are a dozen reasons right there. Whatever it is, why did she just leave a message without any explanation? Now, why did she complain to Heathlip of all people? Why, if she had a complaint, didn't she come directly to me? Vicki, there's only one thing to do. And I've already done it. What? Well, I met Dean Huxley, I said, and then I said, if you don't mind the fib, Dr. Hall said he would like to see you. So she said she'd come over this afternoon. Do you mind? Mind, of course not. Oh, any further postponement will only widen the breach. However, I shall have to find a delicate way to remind her of the danger of letting small grievances grow into crises. And I must firmly recommend that in the future, if she have any protest, she give me the original, not the duplicate. I prefer not to be a pawnbroker of protests, dealing in second-hand complaints. Agnes, how happy I am. You were able to make it this afternoon. Well, you know, Victoria, I was always ashamed to come here. What? Dr. Hall, I've been having a guilty feeling about you. Oh, why should you feel guilty about me, Dean Huxley? Well, I haven't been to see you. I don't know how you find time to see yourself with all the desperate, dramatic crises of charming and slightly distraught young ladies who've crawled under your wing. Yes, I sometimes feel like a mother hen with their peeping chicks. But I don't know why I should complain. That's my job. But it's your prerogative to complain. Without protests, there can be no progress. Without constant challenge, we would all doze on a feather bed of complacency. No, Dean Huxley, I must insist you have every right to complain. Well, uh, thank you very much, Dr. Hall. But, uh, complain about what? Well, if you haven't got a complaint handy, Agnes, think fast. Make one up. Now is your chance. I'm sure Dr. Hall has enough on his hands without my small problems. I may be a mother hen, but he's running the whole chicken ranch. Well, I try to do what I can, but with the multitude and variety of my duties and obligations, many of which, of course, extend beyond the campus itself, I'm left with only limited time to attend to what are sometimes called the practical problems of a university. So I can have no sensitivity about anyone who may criticize my particular allocation of interest and, uh, energies and, uh... Dr. Hall, what on earth do you mean? Hm? I've never known you to refuse to listen to any problems that came up here at Ivy. Honestly, I-I don't know how you find the time to do it. Well, I've always believed that the primary obligation of an administrator is accessibility. That's why there is no door to my office in the administration building. Well, William said that either he or the door would eventually become unhinged, so he beat the gun and took the door off. Well, I-I hope the privilege of free entry isn't abused, Dr. Hall. You can't be expected to do everybody's job. I, uh... I had a set to with a faculty member about this very thing a day or so ago. Oh, really? He slipped? Well, yes. He wanted us to go trotting to you with a small dispute before we even had a chance to work it out for ourselves. I told him he was silly to bother you with it, that you had far more important things on your mind. Oh, so that's what was said. Dean Huxley, I... I feel it for most profound apology coming on. Whoa, that crumb-planter. A finer example of verbal scaled-duggery I have never heard. Yes, a few minor word changes, a slight difference of inflection, even the raising of one eyebrow, and you have a total change of meaning. Why, you... I did come to you with this after all. I can imagine what he said and what you've been thinking. Oh, really? Why, that... that... that nasty old... Excuse me. No, go right ahead, go right ahead. You can speak freely without any fear of contradiction from me at any rate. I... I'm sorry. But at the moment, just thinking about, Professor Heasler, makes me cross. I know. All he has to say is good afternoon for your umbrella. Because I don't mind telling you that this has relieved my mind. Well, now that I'm here, perhaps you'd like to know what started off this, uh, this chain reaction. We certainly would. Well, you see, a sophomore got snowed in on a skiing weekend. Missed an early Monday morning quiz with Professor Heaslip, and he's refused to give her a chance to take it later. But why? Well, it sounds like a good enough excuse. You know our ruling on lateness, Dr. Hall, and Heaslip refused to make an exception. The girl wrote her father, and he's coming into town tonight to see me. Uh, that's why I can't be at the committee meeting. Oh, I see. Well, Dean, actually, I... I don't want to intervene, but if you'd like me to see the girl's father, I'll be only too happy to do so. Oh, thank you, Dr. Hall, but I... I'm sure I can placate him. But there is something you can do for me. Oh? Will you please get Heaslip out of my hair? Well, I... I'll do my best. As an ornament in anyone's coiffure, he leaves a little to be desired. But at the same time, I shall have to commend him. For what? Not starting the Chicago fire? No, for bringing you to our attention in, however, a roundabout way, a matter which should be near the top of our agenda. At this high time, we examined the whole problem of student rules and brought them up to date. Yes. You do still seem to have hook-skirt regulations, which are a little difficult to sit down in. So I shall appoint a committee to bring the whole subject before the Student Legislative Council. And to be sure that something is accomplished, I would like our Dean of Women to serve on that committee. Well, I'll be glad to. Thank you, Dr. Hall. And, uh, my apologies for losing my temper about Heaslip. Oh, and my apologies to you. I've been forcibly reminded that the loyalty of friends mustn't depend upon a constant reiteration of it. I have learned with Molière that doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths.