 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley at www.JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, three things to make a man chase you again and again and again and again. All right, really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. And if you like this video, please hit that like button anytime I share something that resonates with you. Okay, if you're new to my live streams really quickly, I do the content first, then I do the question. So if you do have a question, just wait a little bit and post the word question before you write a question or something you wanna comment about. All right, we're gonna talk about the three things that makes a man chase you over and over and over again. And I wanna differentiate first the difference between chasing and making effort. Chasing and making effort. Because let's think about the idea of chasing. Oftentimes the idea of chasing really centers around someone's running away and you have to chase them to get them, right? So we oftentimes replace the word effort with chase because that's the way you've been conditioned. Men love the hunt, men love the chase, okay? And that is certainly true when men are seeking sex. When we are biologically driven to conquer a woman to have sex, we will chase her hunt. But I wanna lean into something that happens after the relationship has been consummated or at least after the sexual aspect of the relationship has been consummated is what's gonna make this relationship go the distance? Because isn't that really the more important issue? It's not about chasing or conquest. It's more about how much effort will this person make in the relationship? And I wanna share with you three things that I think will make a difference. And this was actually birthed during a conversation I had with a very dear friend of mine who is in a relationship and in fact, he just got engaged. He's a little bit younger than me. What I appreciate about him though is he's very mature. He's very, he does personal development, self-help and spiritual work. He's very aware of his issues and he's continually working on his stuff. And what I also like is his fiancee, whom I've met, who I just think is this fantastic young woman, she's also doing some personal development work. In fact, she found the book Untethered Soul at his nightstand, not found it, but saw it. This is the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. And she began reading it. He was really grateful to see her reading that. So ladies, it's not always the women doing the work and reading the books. There are lots of men reading the books that I recommend and by the way, really quickly, at the top of this live chat is a link to Jonathan recommends books. There's a link to my membership group called Midlife Love Mastery. There's a link to Schedule a Discovery call with me and there's a link to my podcast. That's at the top of the live chat. And I'll bring it up a few more times throughout this conversation. So going back to the story about my friend, I asked him, you know, what were the, like if you could name three things, the first three things that come to your mind that made you look at her different than the other women you dated, I'd really like to explore that with you. And then I also followed up with, does that seem to correspond where your current relationship is at? So they met about two and a half years ago, maybe three, and obviously I shared with you that they're engaged. So the first thing he said that he really appreciated her about her is that she's easygoing. She's easygoing. And what he meant by that, I got to move my chair a little bit. What he really meant by that was, you know, she wasn't high maintenance. Does anyone remember the movie when Harry met Sally? The term was coined that she was high maintenance, mainly because of her OCD and her neurotic way of ordering food. But what I mean by easygoing is when he said, hey, let's go to this restaurant. She's like, sure, that sounds great, or do you want to go do this? And she's like, sure, that sounds great. Now, I want to differentiate between, you know, there are some women out there that are very highly sensitive women. Now, I don't mean from a negative perspective, but they might be sensitive to noise. They might be sensitive to foods and that sort of thing. So there's certainly, there are plenty of people that might be perceived high maintenance because they're actually considered highly sensitive people. But I really want to lean into something about the differentiating between the two because some people are doing it from a place of fear and some are maybe a little bit challenging because they're sensitive to their environment. So if someone says, hey, let's go to this loud, noisy restaurant and a woman says no, well, let's at least explain why that's a no because when you help the man understand the why, he'll go, oh, great, let's go to this quiet piano bar instead. I'm using that as an example. Now, there are plenty of women who are not easy going, they're very complicated. I can tell you as a man out in the dating realm, I just literally encounter woman after woman after woman that is really not very easy going and it makes it less likely that I'm going to put in effort. Remember I said effort. And certainly someone who's easy going in the middle of a relationship, I mean, you know, a couple of years in is something that I wanna want to continually foster and put effort in. So the first one is easy going. Number two, what did I write down here? Oh, I love this. She's flirty. Now, a woman who is flirty, I mean, I'm speaking for myself when my friend was sharing with me, I go, what was the thing that got you? And he goes, she was really flirty. Now, she wasn't obsessively flirty, but she was flirty in a cute text message here, a cute compliment over there, maybe even a little bit of baby talk, maybe a little, I like the way Southern women are. For those here in the United States, I once went out with a Southern woman and everything was sugar and you know, like the way she addressed me. And there was a sweetness about it because the tonality of their voice was something very endearing. Instead of we oftentimes come to the table with so many walls up that it makes it very difficult to connect with another human being. This is one of the reasons why I highly recommend checking out the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. By the way, I guess the links to all the book Jonathan recommends is at the top of this live chat. Why I'm recommending this book, not from a premise of flirting per se, from a way of expressing yourself in a healthy, natural way. Sadly, men and women alike do a terrible job expressing themselves because, and the book is called Nonviolent Communication because it's coming from a place of accusatory versus from a place of victor consciousness of an empowered space of being. And that's where I want you ladies to lie in that place of empowerment, that place of being in control of your, I was about to say being in control of your emotions, but that's sometimes very difficult to do. How about just being aware that we can have highs and lows of our emotions and come from a place of speaking your truth? I'm gonna repeat that, speak your truth. In fact, in my book, what the heck is self love anyway? Chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. Later on the book, there was a chapter called if it's sincere and from the heart, you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. I wanna encourage you to lean into that at a greater extent. So, flirty, not incessantly, here and there flirty, just keep, and by the way, even their relationship is now three years old. He says she is still very flirty with me. And I'll be candid with you. I'm jealous of him, I'm jealous that he has a girlfriend that's easy going, that's flirting, and then when I'm about to share this number three, and then we're gonna take questions. So, the third thing is, and I wrote this, this is what he said, she treats him like a friend as well as a lover. She treats him as a friend as well as a lover. In fact, he described it that there's no pressure, there was no pressure when to talk or when to see each other. He said, expectations kills the connection. And when he felt safe to be vulnerable with her, that's what makes him come back for more. So, in other words, ladies, you have to understand that there's this predominant expectation that men are supposed to romance women, that men are supposed to claim women and be chivalrous because that's what we're supposed to do. But let's think about this. You're a total stranger to us. We barely know you in the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, 10th date. We really barely know another human being. It takes roughly about a hundred hours of actual face to face time to get to know another human being. So, to expect romance before you've ever really established a real connection with one another is very dangerous. And I know, I see this with a lot of the feminine energy coaching. It's centered, what I perceive, there's two facets of feminine energy coaching. One is the empowered facet. I love that, being in your empower, setting your standards, knowing your boundaries. I love that. But there's a corresponding facet with it that's all centered around men are supposed to dominate the relationship and you just sit in your feminine energy and lean back and let them do all the work. It creates, the problem with that dynamic is it creates an entitled version of yourself because you're not actually addressing the relationship from a two lane street, from a two lane street. In other words, both cars traveling at roughly the same speed. This is why I have some issues with it. In addition, the feminine energy coaching really judges women based on their masculine energy and I have a real issue with that because look at controlling behavior, trying to create rules, trying to create agendas. That's not masculine behavior. That's just bad behavior. The fact that it's termed as masculine sets you up for failure. So now bringing this back to what I'm talking about. A relationship is really a dynamic of two people choosing to get to know one another and this is why I'm such a big proponent of women making equal effort in the getting to know you process instead of expecting to be led, especially led by romance. Now I know that gets your juices wild and I know that makes you submit to, because the polarity, because the man has to be strong and you can just be submissive and everything is just naturally gonna work out but that's such a fucking crock of shit because in the long run, that's not what makes a relationship work out. What makes a relationship work out is one, you're both an emotional grown up. You're both an emotional grown up. Number two, you both have lifestyles that can blend with one another. You both have lifestyles that can blend with one another. Number three is that you share the same values or you have similar values that you can explore together and co-create together. And number four, chemistry. The sad reality though is many of you have been getting advice based on attraction-based way of dating which works temporarily. I'm here to talk about the long run. That's why I recommend book after book after book and I recommend the same books over and over because most of you are not acting, not those are watching me right now because you're all perfect. Ha ha, just kidding. But most of you, if you really want to have juicy, delicious relationship then you better learn how to be an adult in a relationship, how to be an adult in a relationship. That's, if you want to have a juicy, delicious relationship this book better be on your nightstand and you should be reading it right now. Check out the link to Jonathan recommends books so you can get a copy of this book. All right, I yell, I yell. Now I gotta relax. All right, let me have a sip of coffee and we're gonna take questions. If you liked what I shared so far please hit that like button so other people can get notified of this. Also, if you have a question please post the word question and then your question thereafter in the chat. I'm gonna answer those right now. I'm gonna take a sip of my coffee. Oh, I know it's happy hour. Well, it's not happy hour yet where I live so I'm gonna grab a drink shortly. My mug says, I make the world go around. What do you do? This is a that's all mug. So post a question by simply writing question and then post it. And before we do that we're gonna do our movie trivia quiz. So this is a great one. You'll get a kick out of this one. So in which film contains the line I'll have what she's having. In which film contains the line I'll have what she's having. Let's see who gets that one right. All right, I'm gonna check to see who's on. Irene, Jennifer, great. Harry met Jennifer right. Yes. All right, question sent earlier. I didn't see your, oh. So personality trumps overlooks, right? Confidence is key, but chemistry matters initially. So I wanna answer Anna's question. So she says, so personality trumps overlooks, right? Confidence is key, but chemistry matters initially. So I did not say personality trumps looks. I did not say that. Personality is extremely important. Looks are important. Let's just, let's acknowledge that. Looks are important. Personality is important. Chemistry does matter to the extent, here I wanna fix my screen. Chemistry certainly matters to, but it's not just physical attraction for one another. It's energetic connection. It's not just physical attraction, it's energetic connection. And so I wanna lean into, it's important to look at everything combined and not hyper focus on one thing. Sadly, many of you ladies get trapped in relationship. And I use the word trapped because you're suckling on the nipple of, I'm in love with this guy, but he's terrible for you. Well, you're not genuinely in love. You're actually attached to this other human being from an unhealthy perspective. This is why you have to read these two books. These two books. First is the book attached to understand anxious, avoidant and secure love attachment style. And then getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. These two books should also be on your nightstand to understand why you keep choosing the same type of man over and over again. Oftentimes it's a reflection of one of your parents. It doesn't have to be your father per se. It could be your mother as well. So, oh, and by the way, going back to looks, it's interesting, we had this conversation on the last live stream. I coach my specialty is midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement. And a lot of people in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond do a terrible job taking care of themselves physically. Do a terrible job taking care of themselves physically. Men and women alike. Women complain that men don't take care of themselves and men complain that women don't take care of themselves. Now, what's interesting, there's a picture of my mom and dad. They were married almost 66 years before my mother passed away. And my mother, after I was born, I think my mother put on, she weighed almost 300 pounds. I mean, she was heavy, heavy. And I'd be candid with you as a young boy. I was ashamed of my mom because of that. I mean, I was a young boy. I was in my 10, 11, 12, and I felt a lot of shame over that. Now, I can't even imagine what she was going through, but she's no different than, I mean, by the way, she's of an older generation. They didn't exercise, but we have access to exercise equipment and gyms and walking and such. I do a half hour on the treadmill every day and I do 20 minutes of weight training every day. And so a lot of women complain that men don't take care of themselves. I can tell you that women make the same complaint, or men make the same complaint about women. Yes, it's important to remain healthy if you wanna ever, and by the way, if you're single and looking for love, keeping yourself up is an important factor that. So going back to looks is important as well as personality, okay? All right, let's take, oh, by the way, the answer was when Harry met Sally to answer our first movie trivia quiz. So well done. All right, and Helen writes, it's past happy hour here. Well, I'm getting there. All right, Penny writes, question, how many women in your view actually choose a man as opposed to thinking they are expected to fall in love with any man that asks them out and pays attention to them? I wanna reread this again. So Penny writes, question, how many women in your view actually choose a man as opposed to thinking they are expected to fall in love with any man that asks them out and pays attention to them? I think the challenge with dating today is a lack of intentionality and a lack of really understanding compatibility because yes, we can fall in love with any, but we can, we can actually, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, we can actually, we have a capacity to fall in love with every human being at a soul level and maintain an amazing relationship with any human being out there. It is possible if two people are an adult in relationship and look beyond egoic looks, it's possible. Does it happen? Highly unlikely, okay? So with that said, I'm here to, so in fact, I had my coaching session today with a client and before she hired me, I said to her during the discovery call, I said, would you like to go out with a hundred men and roll the dice to see, a hundred men and roll the dice to see which one is the perfect fit for you or would you prefer narrowing it down to five great prospects, which could take a year? All right, so would you rather go out with a hundred men in a year and still be single or would you rather learn how to narrow it down to five great prospects and then go out with them? That's what I teach in my private coaching. So if you need some support on that, scroll up to the top of the live feed or here, I'll post it right here. Check out a link to discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. I'd rather improve your chances. And so the answer to your question, Penny, is absolutely you can come from a place of choosing, provided that you're aware of your patterning. And if your patterning is to choose men like your father or choose men like your mother or be attached to quickly or that sort of thing, then do personal development work to get you to a really good place where you don't have to choose based on egoic rules way of dating and from a conscious, healthy perspective. That's my invitation for you. This is why I highly recommend reading the book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated because it takes out all the gender rhetoric, all the penis and vagina rhetoric and breaks it down to your soul level from a spiritual level. Now, I'll be candid with you. The vast majority of the population is rather fucked up. We're all fucked up. It's just a matter of degrees at some level. There's Gandhi and Mother Teresa. Even they were fucked up. And by the way, I use the term fucked up very loosely just for fun. I'm saying everybody has issues. So Mother Teresa and Gandhi at one end of the spectrum, Jeffrey Dahmer and Lizzie Gordon at the other end of the spectrum. And most everybody is somewhere in between. Ladies, I can tell you, I was a train wreck for a good 45 years of my life. I was a train wreck, very self-centered, very goal-oriented, very me-oriented. And when I lost my quarter million dollar a year job and went through a divorce at the same time, I found myself literally at the pit of despair. I was drinking habitually. I was, sorry, I took my sock off for a second. I was drinking habitually. I was doing drugs and I was serial dating just to get the conquest of women one after another after another. I was a train wreck after my divorce. And I feel bad for, I did my best to not lead any women on. I probably in the beginning did lead them on a little bit because on one level, I deeply wanted a relationship. I so deeply wanted to be loved because I was so ridiculously codependent and I did the Jerry Maguire I need you to complete me kind of thing. So it was very codependent. But I also was rather respectful of women. So the minute it got too close, I did what's called, this is a Jonathan Asley coin term. I did what was called the dysfunctional moonwalk, the dysfunctional moonwalk. That means I would basically vomit all of my crap on her and convince her that she should break up with me. Let me repeat that. I would vomit all my crap and literally convince her that she should be doing the breaking up instead of me doing the breaking up because then I didn't feel bad as if I used someone and not that I did use them but I just didn't want to feel that way. So I'm not the only, by the way, when I began being a dating coach, I didn't realize how many men do the same bullshit. As soon as you start vomiting your crap, now some women, they lock onto that. They literally even try harder but many men are doing it just to push you away. So I had to go through a deep dive of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And ladies, listen, many of you know I lost my 19-year-old son, Connor. There's a picture of him in there two and a half years ago. I was, there is no greater pain than losing a child. But I want to tell you, it was 10, 15 years before that when I was a real mess that I began doing the personal development, self-help and spiritual work so that by the time he did pass away, I didn't lose myself to the absolute pit and despair. This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work. Can I please get a thumbs up if you agree? Please, please, please. Because whether you're a man or woman, the only way we're gonna get to that juicy, delicious relationship I talk about is to come at it from a place of emotional maturity. I know I went off tangent, so I'm gonna come back to this. By the way, I shouldn't have wore this red sweater. I know a lot of you compliment me on it. I am baking right now because of the lights. I may have to take it off in a second and go get another shirt. All right, let's check out. Hey, guy, thank you for joining. All right, Jennifer. Jennifer G writes, do you think there are more single women than men? A therapist went, a therapist I went to years ago said, women need to conform to men's life because there are more single women and this is coming from a feminist. So here's the challenge I have. I believe roughly the population of men and women is somewhere almost close to 50-50. I mean, the genders. There are 50% of men in the world and 50% of women. Really, it's relatively close. Okay? So if we're talking about heterosexual relationships, if, let's just say, of the population of the eight billion of population, I'm just making, let's, you know, if three billion of them are married, that would leave five billion that are not. Okay? So if there's five billion and it's roughly fifth, I mean, the thing is, if the married couples are with heterosexual couples, then I would think that there's roughly the same amount of single men as single women. Now, the real question is, how many people are actively looking for love or seeking a relationship? I think where the therapist was coming from is women tend to buy all of these books on relationship 10 fold greater than men. So it might seem like there's more women out there, but I don't believe there's any way to statistically prove that. Other to say, women probably make more effort in the dating realm to learn about the process than men do. Men mostly focus on one thing. How do I meet women? Women focus, how do we make a relationship? How, well, first off, women tend to over focus, women tend to, and I'm gonna repeat this, women tend to, women tend to, women tend to over focus on the man and less on themselves. This is why my, you know, my YouTube channel is called Understand Men Now. If I said, you know, how to have a happy relationship, you wouldn't sign up, but you'll try to figure out men. This is why my channel does so well because ladies, you're hyper-focused on what the man is doing and you're doing very little to hyper-focus on yourself. I'm yelling, I'm gonna tone it down. All right, let's take another question. Happy Friday, I'm amazing. All right, if you have a question, post the word question. Darina posted a question, but I didn't see it, so bear with me. You missed my question above. Okay, I'm looking for it. You know what, if you post the question, do me a favor, Darina, please post it again so I can see it. Okay. Helen writes, I find it quite hard to flirt. I tend to speak to men the same as I would speak to my girlfriends or wrongly. I'd love to know how to flirt effectively without looking too obvious. I think that's a great question. My area of expertise is not in the area of flirting. There is a couple of flirting coaches. Rachel Donato is one of them. Kim Seltzer is another one of them. I'm gonna say their names very slowly. Rachel Donato, oh fuck. I can't, Rachel something or other. Kim Seltzer, Kim Seltzer, these are flirting coaches. That's not my area of expertise. This is why, the reason why I recommend a lot of other material, my area of expertise is teaching you how to vet for emotionally available men and teach you basically why everything you've learned about relationships is wrong and helping you on an individual basis. On flirting skills, that's not my area of expertise. That's why I would recommend just Google flirting videos and start watching some of them. Flirting videos, look it, I'm gonna give you a simple tip. Okay, Helen, I want you to write this down. The acronym is NICE, N-I-C-E, N-I-C-E. The N stands for name. Hey, Jonathan, that's the name. Second is inquisitive, inquisitive, curious. Hey, Jonathan, I see you have a picture of a lot of books that you like in your Bumble account. Have you read them all? Be inquisitive. Number three, throw in a compliment. By the way, Jonathan, you're easy on the eyes. And number four, be enthusiastic. Enthusiasm is a happy emoji. N-I-C-E, name, inquisitive, compliment, enthusiasm. That's a simple technique to be a flirt with a guy and I'm sure you can do that easily. Okay, let's take Doreenna. By the way, post the question again because I couldn't find it. I got a chance to tune into your live videos for the first time today. I'm taking away a lot of lessons from you, including the massive energy display. Thank you very much, I appreciate that, Jonathan. You look too sexy for your shirt and you can take it off anytime you want. No, I will not take it off live. I will go in the other room and grab a shirt. I might have to do that if I get too hot. So again, if you wanna post, hey Kelly, thanks for joining. If you wanna post a question, you can also hit a super sticker or a super chat to ask a question as well. And again, if you wanna check out all my recommended books, scroll all the way to the top. Hey, listen, we need some questions. So, there was something I wanted to share and I'm a little brain dead here. It would help if you guys post some questions. Yes, Jennifer, right, said Fred. Cause I'm here to help you. So simply post a question. This would make it really simpler. All right, let's see what we could talk about. Oh, well, let's talk about this. Ladies, a lot of times there's a dynamic in relationship where people act like children. People act like children. This is why I drew this diagram for you and I wanna show you child adult parent. Remember the book I talked about how to be an adult in a relationship? A lot of times when someone is acting from fear, they're in their child mode and that requires that the adult in relationship become the parent. If you wanna be in a healthy happy relationship, it's important to stay in the adult zone, the adult zone. And yet sadly, most human beings do a terrible job staying in the adult zone because they lack emotional maturity. In fact, I just did a YouTube video, a short yesterday called the five signs of emotional maturity and I definitely highly recommend you checking that out. All right, if you wanna post a question, write the word question and post it. Scuba writes, I need advice from anyone, man who cooled off for last week just texted me happy anniversary darling of our last intimacy. So, well, that's really nice that he did that. I don't understand when you say he cooled off for last week. You know, ladies, you know, here's the, I get really frustrated with many of you expecting men to always be the one doing the calling, doing the texting. Let me tell you something. I'm gonna tell you how I operate. I put in effort, I then see if she puts in effort. If she's not putting in effort, I stop making effort. That means if I've texted a few times and she hasn't followed up, I may still be interested but I give space to see if she's in alignment to who I am. So ladies, if he hasn't reached out, why aren't you reaching out? Why aren't you sending a text message, say, hey, I'm thinking about you. Let's jump on the phone and catch up. Or why don't you come over and I'll cook you dinner or let's come over and watch a Netflix movie, chill and fuck our brains out together. Why is it always the expectation that men are supposed to be doing all the work? Whoever gave you that stupid rules-based way of dating, the reverse psychology bullshit doesn't work. And I don't care that this book is thick. It doesn't work, reverse psychology. Backtrack, let me rewind that. Reverse psychology works for the short run. It doesn't work for the long one. What works for a long run is two lane street dating. This is why I highly recommend reading the book, spiritual partnership along with the Buddha dated, okay? Stop this stupid narrative of waiting for men. You can text too. All right. Anna writes, is six months good to have the talk to continue to move on? Anna, is six months a good time to have the talk? Great question, so let me tell you when's the right time to have the talk. Before the penis gets to go inside the vagina. That's the best time to have the talk. Before the penis gets to go inside the vagina. This is why I highly recommend reading this book, eight dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. First off, if you want to be in a healthy, happy, juicy, delicious relationship that's co-created, that's partnership oriented, read this book. If you simply just wanna have a casual relationship that goes nowhere, you do not have to have the relationship talk. If you want to have a significant relationship with someone, then you better be on the same page as what you want. So this book should be, okay, first off, my book, then this book, and then every other book I recommend. My book first, because it's mine, and then this book, stop giving your power away. You should have this talk before you get sexual and intimate with someone. Now, I know every dating coach will tell you, never do that, you know, the Kevin Samuels of the world and this person of the world, they'll tell you because they're coming from a misogynistic, you know, alpha male perspective. Ladies, alpha males just wanna be in control. They want submissive women. I'm not talking to a submissive group of women. I'm talking to empowered women who are in charge of their relationship destiny. Do you wanna be in charge of your relationship destiny? Do not give the man the power. You retain the power of your destiny and you basically set your standard to a guy. All setting your standard is simply telling what you're looking for. So let me give you an example of what that looks like. I'm gonna give it from my playbook. This is from the Jonathan Asley playbook. First off, I tell a woman, I'm looking for a fully committed relationship that eventually leads to marriage. I state that right from the very beginning and a relationship looks like this for me, for Jonathan Asley. I'd like us to spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling, be in partnership together, both in our personal and our professional lives, meaning we help and support one another in both our personal and professional lives. We travel together. We have a great sexual relationship as well as a vulnerable, authentic, intimate relationship with each other, which includes transparency, which means we are transparent. If it's material to the relationship, we are transparent. That eventually leads to moving in together. Now that was a mouthful, okay? Now I don't say it that fast, but my point is I set my standard right from the beginning. Now I know most of you women go, well, men will never do that. That's okay, you do that. The guys who don't want it will run away. They'll try to fuck you. They will, but they'll still run away. So you have to find someone who matches you. That's why, again, read the book, how to be an adult in a relationship. All right, let's check out the Q&A board. Doreen, I see your question, but I'm gonna scroll up to see if there's any others before you. Jonathan got it, thanks. Question, can a seemingly, Mary Jane writes, can a seemingly very confident man be inexperienced with dating and sex? Can a seemingly confident man be inexperienced with dating and sex? Apps of fucking Lutely, yes! So, first off, just because someone is confident in their professional life does not mean that they know the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, number one. Number two, many men are basically hidden and quitted guys. They just, they pump and they dump. They're not, very few men actually have learned how to be good lovers. Now, a lot of men operate from the perspective. If I give you an orgasm, I've done my job. So, it's the Harry Met Sally line when you remember the whole she did the fake orgasm thing, you know. Harry believes that he knows how to please women. So, he feels if he can please a woman, he gave value, okay? This is where a lot of men operate, especially misogynistic men, operate from this premise. If I can give you an orgasm, I'm a great lover. That is not how to be a great lover. Even James Bond, who like, oh, James, a real lover. I'm gonna take a line from the TV show Tool Time. I remember hearing the next door neighbor which you could never see his face. He said, the trick isn't to make love to 1,000 women. The trick is to make love to one woman 1,000 ways. Let me repeat that. The trick isn't to make love to 1,000 women. The trick is to make love to one woman 1,000 ways. A real great sexual, a man who's truly proficient at intimacy knows how to make a woman come in a variety of different ways that goes beyond just the pump and dump way that most men operate. So, I hope I answered your question. So yes, very few men are very experienced at that. Okay, Darina's question. I met a guy three and a half years ago. He was not ready to date. We did things as friends and no best friends. We want a romantic relationship. What do you think would be best way to move forward? Okay, so let me be clear. You started off as friends and no best friend. I don't know what that means. We want a romantic relationship. What is the best way to move forward? Well, I would find out if you're sexually compatible with one another, that would be a good thing to do. Reading the book eight dates together would be a really good thing to find out if you both want the same things. Read this book together. If you agree you want the same things, then jump into bed and fuck your brains out and see what happens. Because if the sex sucks, you may not want to be in relationship with each other. Here's the deal. Because he's not a stranger, that's why I can say that. I wouldn't recommend that to any stranger. This is a man you've known for three and a half years. So explore your physical intimacy with each other along with deciding what a relationship looks like for the two of you. Doreen, I hope that answers your question. I want to give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug for waiting. All right, let's look at the Q and A. Oh, here's a good question. I'm gonna do, this question is in what year was the movie notebook released? In what year was the movie notebook released? We'll do a follow-up question in a second. All right, let's see. Amelia, oh, Jonathan. Question, your book title please, your book title please. Do me a favor, Amelia, scroll all the way to the top of this live feed. It says Jonathan recommend books or go to the description in this live chat and there's a link to Jonathan recommend books or you can go to my book, selflovethebook.com. Selflovethebook.com. Selflovethebook.com. Okay. Ah, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. Amelia writes, oh, I think I said Amelia before. What should be the first eight dates? What should be the first eight dates be about? Well, it's not, the book is late. By the way, everyone, this is the book eight days. So these are eight separate conversations to have with a person you're exploring a relationship. Date number one, lean on me. This is about trust and commitment. Date number two, agree to disagree. This is learning how to address conflicts. Number three, let's get on it. Sex and intimacy. Number four, the cost of love, work and money. Number five, room to grow, family. Now, family doesn't mean about having children but blending families maybe as well. Number six, play with me, fun and adventure. Number seven, something to believe in, growth and spirituality. And number eight, a lifetime of love dreams. Here it is. Come back and read it later, do a screenshot, but that's it. I hope that answers your question. Thank you, Mary Janes, thank you for answering my question. Guy Belize, thank you. All right, Becca writes, oh, by the way, if you have a question, write the word question so I can see it and then post the question next to it. Becca writes, why guys wanna have sex first and they say they will get attached emotionally after physically. Okay, ladies, there's an old saying. Men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love between the ears. And what that means is men are physical creatures. And oftentimes, I heard this term, men find love through sex and women give sex to hope for love, okay? So men explore sex hoping for love and women give sex hoping for love. This is how fucked up human beings are if there's truth to this. Now, these are immature people that operate this way. An adult person operates from vetting for emotional maturity along with the physical aspects of the relationship. So let me repeat those four things I shared with you before. Chemistry, that's the physical attraction and energetic attraction for one another. Number two, shared values. Do your values align? I mean, here in the United States, I highly doubt someone who loved Donald Trump is gonna get along with someone who loves Bernie's standards because chances are their values are vastly different. That's not a fair characterization for all. I'm just saying is generalization. For example, another would be someone who is an atheist and someone who goes to Bible studies eight days a week probably aren't gonna get along. They don't share the same values, most likely. That's shared values. Then there's blendable lifestyles. Can your lifestyle blend into my lifestyle? This is why a lot of people chase long distance relationships or imbalanced relationships because you've been hooked on the chemistry, hooked, hooked, hooked on the chemistry and your lifestyles are like a fucking dysfunctional movie. It's never going to work. Blendable lifestyles and lastly, emotional maturity. Remember I said before over and over and over again. The real problem with dating is most humans aren't an adult in relationship. Remember I said adult, most people act like children and children are very self-centered. It's always me, me, me, me, me, me. That's the way a child is and most humans, men and women alike are very selfish and self-centered. Now I know you're going, well, that's not me, Jonathan. Yeah, a lot of women are too. So this is why I recommend all these books so you can learn how to be in a healthy, happy relationship that isn't so focused on the physical and there's more too. Hopefully I answered your question. Oh, so why do guys wanna have sex? It's just because men are unconscious. Again, especially, and by the way, be careful of listening to misogynistic men because they're gonna tell you how all you women are wrong. Ladies, the problem with women isn't women and the problem with men isn't men. The problem is most humans are not adult in relationship. That's the real issue, I'm yelling. All right, let's do another trivia question. If you have a question, remember me, post a question, Amelia, I'll get to yours in a second. So what song plays at the end of the movie Breakfast Club? Breakfast Club, one of my faves. What song plays at the end of the Breakfast Club? Let's see who gets that right. All right, Guy says, you get hooked by the chemistry, ooh la la, you make me laugh. I have to physically attract it to him to pursue a relationship. Well, of course we wanna feel physically attracted to a person, that's an important facet of it. So I'm not discounting that. All right, Amelia writes, I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. I meant what I should, I meant what should happen in the first eight dates when two people want to lay down the basics of their relationship? What should happen, wait, let me repeat this again. I wasn't clear, I meant what should happen in the first eight dates when two people want to lay down the basics of their relationship? Well, dating is a process, listen. Dating is a process both of fun and exploration. I'm gonna repeat that, it's fun and exploration. In other words, it's not overly serious and yet. The purpose of dating is one thing, vetting the other person to decide if you wanna be in a relationship with them. That's, okay, unconscious people don't operate that way. This is the way conscious people, it's a vetting process to decide if you wanna be in a relationship with someone for those human beings who want to be in a relationship. Listen, I was a serial dator after my divorce. Remember I said I was deeply fucked up. I was a serial dator, date after date after date after date, conquest after conquest after conquest. I mean, that's what it felt like, okay? I was addicted to the dating process. That didn't mean I was ready to be in a relationship. So now where the fuck was I going? Oh, shoot, I just did a squirrel. I literally went on a tangent and I don't know where I was going. So going back to the eight dates. You know what, treat, read this, read. Okay, I'm getting tongue-tied here for a second. The dating process should be one of fun and exploring getting to know each other, exploring. And how do you get to know each other? Ask really good questions about the other person. Someone just did a super chat, thank you. Peppermint, thank you so much. I hope this is, I hope I'm making sense here. Kimberly writes, how long did your friend date his girlfriend before they got engaged? Great question. So the friend I'm speaking of, I believe they were together two years before they got engaged. Now, he's in his 30s, he's in his late 30s. So he's just one, he's like a nephew to me. For those of us in our 40s, 50s and 60s, I believe at this stage in our life, we don't have time to fuck around, okay? We don't have time to fuck around. It's, I mentioned this in the last live stream. It's from the movie Shawshank Redemption. Get busy living or get busy dying. As soon as you get to the six month mark, this is the time not to fuck around. To say, are we gonna explore a re-exploring relationship for the term of the long term or the short term? Now, a lot of guys are gonna say, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not going there. Great. You get the vagina when you know when you're ready to go there. Ladies, I'm sorry to put it down so crassly to say this, but I'm gonna steal something from Steve Harvey. Don't give the cookie until you've really vetted the guy. And let me tell you something. You wanna scare the wrong guys away by opening your mouth. Yes, by speaking your truth, you scare the wrong guys away, not the right guys. So don't be afraid to speak up. And so going back to her question, for him it was two years. For those of us in our 40s and 50s, look it, or 60s, don't invest more than six months getting to know someone if you're not on the same page of where your future lies. And I wouldn't be spending too much time investing in a relationship much past six months if you don't feel like you're on the same page from a long term perspective. That's my invitation for you. Six months to nine months. Maybe make it a little simpler. Six months to nine months. By the way, there's no one size fits all. You have to do what's right for you. Don't forget about me, the Breakfast Club. Correct, Terry. All right. Peppermint, thanks again for the super chat. By the way, if you wanna post a question, you can do it in the super chat as well. What are the signs that you're with a time waster? What are the signs you're with a time waster? You know, my feeling is this, if you're ever doubting the relationship, you're probably with a time waster. Do you know what? Most women who are in happy relationships rarely ever doubted the relationship. Now, I know a lot of you have heard about the feminine energy coaching where when a man pulls away, you just go in your feminine and lean back and he's gonna come racing and chasing you, okay? That works temporarily. Temporarily it works, but it doesn't mean you're with a healthy human being. So wasting time, the minute you're doubting the relationship, now, if you're coming from an innate fear in your life, you may be the issue. This is why I highly recommend reading the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process to know about your childhood wounds and traumas that cause your negative patterns and limiting beliefs that cause you to sabotage relationships. Read this book to learn why you might be sabotaging your relationships because a lot of you ladies sabotage relationships because you're unhealed or you're not healing childhood wounds. You sabotage it continually. Men sabotage relationships too. They do the dysfunctional moonwalk that I talked about earlier. I did it because I didn't do the work. Now that I've done the work. So a lot of times people ask me, well, Jonathan, why aren't you in relationship? Ladies, for a long time, I was a mess, a real mess. In fact, I can honestly say it wasn't until I lost Connor that I had the biggest wake up call of all. And I say this because when you lose someone, when you lose someone, you delve deeply. It changes your perspective on the world. We are living in such a fucked up world of black and white and this and that, and I don't mean race. I'm talking about Republican Democrat. We're in this world of anger. It's like men and women. Everything is angry at one another. And I fucking am so angry at all the anger out in the world because nothing compares to losing a child. And sadly, Connor, you were a wake up call for me. You were, here's Connor, here's my son. You were a wake up call for me to shift my perspective. And I've been in mourning the last couple of years. So many have asked why am I single? It's cause it's been painful the last few years. I've done a lot of work to shore up and be where I'm at right now. But, and I'm not alone. Men and women alike are suffering deeply. Deeply men and women are suffering. And I'm here to say that compassion is what's so fucking needed right now in our world. It's unity and compassion and not being in divide because it's the divide between men and women that's causing so much angst right now in the dating realm. And so I'm here to say, we all have a choice. We can operate from fear or judgment or ego or we can operate from a place of love. If you have not read the book, this is the CD version of Marianne Williamson's book, Return to Love. I can't tell you how much solace this book has given me and helping me really come, I'm shaking right now, come from a place of compassion. And so everybody, I just wanna say this, there's a mantra I say to myself every morning and I say, I'm loving myself and everyone else. I'm loving myself and everyone else and my invitation is for everybody to do the same. All right, I'm gonna take this last question and we're gonna wrap up. Georgina, thank you so much. She just did a super sticker. She said, buy a cup of coffee with me. Thank you so much. Everyone who's bought a super sticker or a super chat, thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart, I can't begin to say how much I appreciate all your love and support. I bring up Connor because he is a reminder and I'm starting a foundation in his name. He is a reminder. His nickname is Salty. His nickname is Salty. And love is bittersweet. There was an element of, I love sweet and sour chicken. And it's those two flavors together. There is pain for many of us and there's joy. And some people are afraid of love and I understand that. And as a friend once said to me, love is a risk and yet it's still the best game. I am shaking. Love is a risk and it's still the best game in town. And I wanna encourage you not to give up on love, not to give up on men. Let's just stop this fucking rhetoric of complaining about the sexes and let's start leaning into compassion for each other because I believe it is through real compassion for one another that we have any chance of fulfilling for living a fulfilled life. Let me repeat that is through compassion that we have any chance in my purview that we can live a fulfilled life. Compassion, gratitude and a whole heck of a lot of self love. So thank you again for the other super sticker and I really appreciate that. Thank you so much. I am so grateful. Hugs to you all. Oh, why did Connor's nickname Salty? Okay, let me share with you the Salty story. Thanks so much. So really quickly, my son Connor, this is him again, he had a fixation with salt. I mean, he was addicted to salt and he would carry salt packets in his pocket. He would carry salt packets in his pocket and every time he went to eat, he'd gouge his food with salt. And what happened is the salt would fall on his lap and he was with his friends and his friends nicknamed him Salty balls, Salty balls. So then the word Salty was everything. And so he called himself, it was Salty balls, Salty, salt, Chief salt. I mean, everything related to salt and there's something so poetic because, oh God, I'm gonna cry again. Connor represents the salt of the earth. He really did. In fact, there's a chapter in my book. Chapter five is called Don't let anyone fuck with your chi. Connor had this beautiful ability not to let others, by the way, thank you Peppermint. Again, Connor had this beautiful ability not to let others opinion of them affect him. And so my invitation is the same for you to lean into your sovereignty, to lean into your self-worth, to lean into your self-respect, your self-confidence and most of all, your self-love. If you've ordered my book, please do me a favor, write a review on Amazon. I'd be truly grateful because it's a gift to Connor as well as a gift to me and hopefully a gift to the world as well. I am so excited to be able to do this live stream with you. I'm gonna read some more of the comments and we're gonna wrap up Salty Forever, thank you. Yes, most people have serious issues, men and women, no relationship is gonna work unless we address our childhood wounds, traumas and adult traumas as well. Yes, I agree. Thank you, Kelly. Thank you, Brenda. Thank you, Cheryl. Thank you, I am amazing. Thank you, Becca. There's nothing wrong with being single. Thank you, Becca. Peppermint says, big hugs. You are such a, thank you so much. Everyone from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. We're gonna wrap up this live cast, my last request for you, okay, couple things. If you wanna check out the books I recommend, check out the link to Jonathan Books Recommends. If you wanna schedule a discovery call, check out the link to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working as a coach is right for you. Check out my podcast called the What Would Love Do? podcast. Oh, I have a free gift there for you. Well, check out the links in the description for everything. All right, I don't feel as hot anymore. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use a lot more love in our lives. Thank you all so much, bye-bye now. Let me say goodbye to everyone. Bye, Sarah, bye, Lori, bye, Kim. Thank you so much, Kim. Jane, Anna, Corinthia, terrible names. Yes, Conor will always be with me, thank you. Dirty dick, sure, thank you so much. Guy, if you're still on, Jane, Kelly, Brenda, Cheryl, Lori, oh, all you, thank you so much. All right, we're gonna wrap up, talk to you soon. Bye-bye now.