 Welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, how to be his priority and stop being an option. Are you tired of being an option? Well, we're going to work on that today. So I'm really excited. Really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button. Hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. And if anytime during this video the content resonates with you, do me a favor and hit that like button. That way more people get notified through the YouTube algorithm. All right, we're going to talk about how to become a priority instead of being an option. Are you tired of being an option? What does it mean to be an option? I think what that means is that a person treats you secondary third or fourth down the list kind of thing. And if you're entered into a relationship with someone and you've decided that you want to explore getting to know one another and you have intimacy together, then feeling like an option can suck. And a lot of people operate this way. And today we're going to talk about why people treat you like an option, which will better prepare you for being a priority in a person's life. Because I want to say we all have, listen, everybody has busy lives, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy lives. People have busy lives. And yet they make time for what's important to them. They make time for what's important to them. So when someone treats you like an option, what they're basically saying is you're not important to me. And I want to tell you why this happens and how to avoid this even before you start giving your heart to another human being. Now, I want to be very clear about something. For those who are in midlife, then midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So if you're 42 to 69, that's my primary demographic is talking to those folks in midlife. Now, I do happen to work with women in their 20s and 30s as well. So this content resonates for everyone, but let's be real about midlife for a second. It is a lot more complicated in the dating realm because there's a lot more moving parts. And given that 75% of singles who are over 45 years old are divorced. There are people out there with alimony and child support and visitation rights and family court and erectile dysfunction and menopause and job issues and elderly parents. I mean, it's a bigger quagmire of issues out there. This is why I'll be candid with you. I was listening to one of my contemporaries, a male dating coach who's a very good person who happened to get married in his 30s and had children. Now he's in his early 40s. And it just kind of cracked me up because the way he shares advice comes from absolutely no clue of what it feels like to go through the experiences I feel like and the experiences that many of you feel have experienced as well. Because the dating realm has changed dramatically in the last five years in particular. And not to mention all of that, for lack of a better word, baggage that's out there as well. That this concept that love will solve everything is a crock of shit because love doesn't solve relationship woes. Let me repeat that love doesn't solve relationship woes. What solves relationship issues is emotional maturity and alignment. Let me repeat that emotional maturity and alignment. That's how you can resolve relationship woes. And so one of the reasons why it's fascinating to me that most people struggle in relationship is because they're not dating from a place of intentionality. They're not dating from a place of intentionality. And what I mean to say is true consciousness around who's really compatible with me. How do I know to ask the right questions in the early stages of dating before I give my heart away? And then lastly, how do I vet for emotional maturity? This is why I created a coaching program around this. So if you need some support on that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me because that's my area of expertise is to teach you those things. Because I started to say, let me be very candid with you, dating today sucks. It sucks. And part of that is because of swipe dating. Swipe dating has, when people use these apps, let's log into my favorite app, Bumble. Bumble, someone popped up. But my point is Bumble, right? Bumble. We get desensitized when we swipe over and over and over and over and over and over and again, we're desensitized to the actual connecting with another human being. So this is one of the biggest challenges for those who are actively looking for love. And then once you're in relationship is how do you tell if we share the same values? Do we have lifestyles can blend together? And how about emotional maturity? Because most people are hyper focused on chemistry. Chemistry is where most everybody focuses on. And the whole dating gamut is based on attraction, based on attraction and not the real mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. That's why those who follow my work know I'm a big proponent of reading the book Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. This book teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Because what Dr. John and Julie Gottman did is they took all the reasons why people got divorced and created a book on how to avoid that before the penis ever gets to go inside the vagina. That's Jonathan's terminology, but I'm a big proponent of doing this work ahead of time. So what causes someone to treat you as an option? Well, I'm going to put my trusty glasses on because I have a worksheet here, a worksheet here to talk about it. By the way, I want to thank everyone who's on live. I can see Doug and Vanessa and Carol and everything. Thank you so much. So by the way, let me be clear about something, everybody. If you're listening to the feminine energy leaning back coaches, just lean back and just let men do all the work. You're setting yourself up for failure because if you don't know if a guy is emotionally mature, all the leaning back in the world and being in your feminine isn't going to make the relationship work. And let me be clear about something. Most men, when they're attracted to a woman and when a woman is attracted to guy, they're going to go at it. They're going to go at it both physically and maybe emotionally. It's going to happen if there's mutual attraction on a first date, but it doesn't mean that that person is right for you. We have literally have adopted this belief that if we have great chemistry, everything will just magically work out because love magically works things out. First off, there is no love in the first date. There is no such thing as love at first sight. What happens at first sight is either limerence or lust. Love takes a long time and let me just give you an analogy to make this clear. Because for all of you that believe in love at first sight, I just want to ask you something. You had a first date with someone, you both agreed this is love at first sight. And then two days and you go on a second date and you're like, oh my God, this is love at first sight. And then you go on a third date. Oh my God, this is love at first sight. This is amazing. And then the other person gets in a car accident and they're disabled. Are you going to sit there for the rest of your life and take care of this person that you've openly admitted you're in love with? No, because you're not really in love with them. You're just experiencing lust or limerence and limerence is simply infatuation. That's what happens in the early stage of dating. It's not love. By the way, it's happy hour and I've got my Moscow Mule. Okay, so I think you get the gist of it. So I want to say that there's a big difference between choosing men who are serious and ready for a relationship versus men who are in codependency or emotionally avoidant men who are counter dependent in relationship. Let me repeat that. There are men who are serious in relationship and then there are men who are suffering from codependency issues or they're emotionally avoidant. Okay, and I know many of you are very familiar with love attachment style, which talks about emotional avoidance. And if you're not familiar with the book attached, this is the book called attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I highly recommend reading this book. Read this book to understand emotionally avoidant personalities or dismissive avoidant personalities or fearful avoidant personalities so you can learn about this. Because you really want to spot a guy who's serious about relationships. So what causes a man to treat you like an option versus a priority? Well, one of the number one things is men who lack purpose or passion in their life. Let me repeat that. Men who lack purpose or passion in their life. So let me give you an example. I love what I do. My purpose is to make a difference in people's lives. That's my purpose. I make a difference in people's lives. It's one of the reasons why I wrote my book. What the heck is self love anyway? Which is on Amazon. By the way, it's an Amazon bestseller right now. It's ranking consistently in the top 20,000 of all books on Amazon. I'm so happy that it's getting in the hands of so many people. This is just awesome. And I'm passionate about it. So I both have a purpose of making a difference in people's lives and I have a passion around that. A lot of men and women go to work every day and they identify themselves with their careers, but they hate their careers. So they might lack passion around it. In addition, their career in and of themselves doesn't give that person purpose. And when a person is lacking purpose, let me tell you what happens in their life. They oftentimes are suffering on the inside when someone doesn't have passion or purpose in their life. They're suffering on their inside. What happens when people suffer on their inside, suffer on the inside? They do drugs. They do alcohol. They date excessively. They become sexaholics. They become avoidant personalities. Just to name a few, they have destructive behavior in their lives. Because they don't lack a foundation in their life. And I know this everybody because I was there when I lost my quarter million dollar a year job in the mid-2000s. And I got wiped out in the market crash of 2008. And I had no purpose, no passion in my life. I was a train wreck. I was doing cocaine. I was drinking. And I was habitually dating. Because dating is another form of self-medication. Let me repeat that. Dating and being with people can be a form of self-medication. And so I was very dysfunctional in my dating process. This is why I can speak to this at much greater length. Look it, when I got married in my 20s, I was in La La Land. I had no idea how to be in a healthy happy relationship in my 20s. And eventually I got divorced in my 30s. Actually right around 40, excuse me. And my point is, until you've been through this dysfunctionality, it's hard to... I coach from a place of, I've been there. I've been there. I've been in the shoes of many of the men that you're actively dating right now. If you're a woman watching and for the men, for those men that can relate to this, I get it. This is why I highly recommend checking out the book by Allison Armstrong, a dear friend of mine. She wrote the book Queens Code because she talks about the tunnel men go through. And that tunnel, it took me a decade to get out of this dysfunctional tunnel. So I highly recommend you learning about this from Allison Armstrong's work. Because a man who lacks purpose and passion in his life is going to be very challenging to be in relationship. Now I'm not saying all men, most men who lack passion and purpose in their life, have a weak foundation underneath them to be in relationship with. So they're going to treat you like an option instead of a priority because the foundation is weak. Number two, this goes back to some of the things I talked about. He has chaos going on in his life, chaos going on his life. He's going through divorce. He's going through job issues. He's got health issues. He's got family health issues. He's got issues with his children. And by the way, this goes for both genders, by the way. So if a man is going through chaos in his life and it fascinates me, how many women will look at a man going through chaos and go, I can fix him. I can fix him. And if I fix him, he'll be mine. Oh my God, ladies, I appreciate the men and women on this planet who are fix-it people. I appreciate them. You're beautiful human beings. But you suffer at your own expense. You are the ones who are choosing projects. And then you wonder why you're so, you're knocking your head up against the wall. And but you're like, well, it's not going to be so bad in the beginning. I can't tell you how many coaching prospective client calls I get from women who are in relationships, six months old, one year old, one and a half years old, two years old, three years old, five years old with a project. And they're wildly frustrated and the guy's not improving. So if there is chaos, a divorce, job issues, it doesn't make these people bad people. Let me just say something. The man who lacks purpose and passion. The man who's going through chaos doesn't make him a bad person. And we all need connection. We all need connection. It's almost a desperate need to have connection and physical connection as well as emotional connection. So it's not, look it, we should start looking at relationship. If people were really honest, we should say this is the category that wants to get remarried and everybody else wants casual. And casual means it's going to break up. It's going to break up. So know that you're entering into a relationship that's going to end. I think we, imagine if we could just be more honest. Look, I want to date you for a while, but it's not going anywhere because I'm a fucking train wreck. In fact, in my last live stream, I talked about a woman who saw me as a project because I was in such chaos in my life. And she knew what she was entering into. And we had a great three month relationship that didn't go anywhere because I was a train wreck. But she knew it going in and she accepted it. This is why we remain social acquaintances with one another. Okay, I'm going to take questions soon. But number three, a man who's set in his ways, his set in his ways. Men who are older and who have not been in a relationship or very many significant relationships can become incredibly set in their ways. And when a man is set in his ways, he's doing things his way. So you will always be an option in his life and not a priority. And last but not least, I'm going to go back to those casual relationships men. These are men that are absolutely willing to give monogamy and exclusivity without any real desire to be in a fully committed relationship. And I mean commitment means if you're going through a hard time, I'm going to be there for you. If you're sick, I'm going to be there for you. If you're in a car accident, I'm going to be there for you. If you're going through cancer, I will sit by your side and wipe the vomit from your chin because I'm going to be there for you. If you think about wedding vows, what is the most significant aspect of a wedding vow is better for worse, richer or poor, thicker through thin. And that's so everything that isn't that is what Esther Perel talks about in her book, Mating and Captivity. Mating and Captivity, she calls it stable ambiguity, stable ambiguity. And what that means is, is that there's monogamy and exclusivity, but it's ambiguous as to where the fuck this relationship is going. And so I want everybody to be more intentional. And how you're going to do that is by asking better questions right before the get-go. And let me tell you something, going back to the swipe dating, here's the problem with a lot of dating advice. A lot of dating advice tells you to go out with as many people as you can. Go out on first meetings with as many people as you can. And I'm here to say that's what's fucking up our relationship, what's really causing a lot of angst because there's a desensitization and a buildup of absolute frustration for so many people. This is why I'm a big proponent of that. I'm spitting. I get so excited. I know I yell when I get excited and I'm very passionate and I spit. So I need to take a sip. This is why I'm such a big proponent of being more intentional before you ever meet a person. Because let me just say this, going out on one first date not working out and another first date not working out, another first date not working out. Men can do that because we're designed to do things like that. We're designed to spread our seeds. But emotionally to a woman, if you go out with 100 men, your emotions will be shattered if you go out on meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting. This is why I want you to pre-qualify your prospect before you ever meet by asking better questions. And by the way, here's the problem. 90% of dating these days is through these devices. We are barely meeting people organically anymore. It used to be 50% of all new relationships happen with an online connection. I think 90% of all dating is happening through an online connection. The organic way is almost virtually not there, especially because of the pandemic. We're not meeting people out face to face. So how to become his priority? First, choose a man who's serious. And how do you make that happen? Ask better questions. And if you need some love and support on that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me because that's my area of expertise. All right, I think it's time to jump in and answer questions. So if you have a question, post the word question and ask the question. We're going to start with Colleen to get started. Colleen writes, Jonathan, do you know of any good books that help widows or widows with widows or widowers with dating and being open to love again? I'm 57 and I want to be a loving, committed, juicy, delicious, healthy relationship. Yes, I do have a great book. By the way, everybody, if you don't have this book in your repertoire, are you the one for me by Barbara DeAngelis? This is like the Bible. This is like the Bible. Every one of you should be buying this because this will literally, I mean, let me just go through some of the chapters. Love is not enough. Okay. Why we choose the people we love falling in love for all the wrong reasons, the 10 types of relationships that don't work. Fatal flaws, compatibility, time bombs. I love all these chapters. This is a great book. So Colleen, I highly recommend getting this book because it doesn't matter. It's not about widowers or widowers. It's not specific to that. It's specific to just asking better questions. And you'll figure it out once you read this one. I highly recommend that. So I hope that helps. By the way, folks, if you want to ask a question, you can buy a super sticker, a super chat. That way I see it on my screen just to give you a heads up. All right. Don't forget to outright the word question. So I know that this is a question. So Colleen, thank you. Cindy, Jonathan, how did you become so wise and insightful? Well, I thank you for asking. I appreciate that. So, wow, this is going to take a little while to talk about this, but let me just say something. 2005, my Ben wife and I decided to get a divorce and I put myself out in the dating realm. And I thought, like a lot of people, I needed someone to love me for me to feel good about myself. So I was habitually dating. Well, let me reframe that. I joined the dating sites and I went out on a first date with a great woman. I'll never forget. My first date was with Tish. Great date, attractive woman, something wasn't right. A couple of days later, went out on a date, great woman, nice date, something wasn't right. A couple of days later, another one, another one. In one year, I had over a hundred, how do I do that? One, zero, zero, internet dates. And what I realized the common denominator was me. I was the problem in all of these. So I began doing personal development work. First, it started with the book, Louise, Hey, You Can Heal Your Life. And then it was Tony Robbins CDs, just to name a few. And then I got into better books. I started to listen to Wayne Dyer and Abraham Hicks, just to name a few. And then I started to go to workshops like the Hoffman process or Insight. And then I joined other groups. So I started, I went to therapy. So this has been 10 years in the making. And through writing my book, I prepared myself to be a better teacher for everyone because I'm a big proponent of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. I hope that answered your question, Cindy. Thank you so much. And I got something in my teeth. All right, let's take Natasha's question. And thank you for the super chat. I made a move on a guy and it worked. What question should I be asking him now? I'm 46, he's 50. What is his requirements from a woman? By the way, I got something in my tooth and it's bugging the fuck out of me. Bear with me, everyone. I ate an apple beforehand and you know, the skin gets caught in there. So well, Natasha, that's part of my coaching program that I give you the detailed questions to ask. They're really more insightful and they're personalized to you. What I can say is everybody ask this question. What does commitment look like for you? What does commitment look like for you? That's a great question. Now, most men are going to be, ah, deer in the headlights. Most men have no fucking clue what commitment looks like for them. I'm going to tell you what it looks like for me to just give you some backdrop. So for me to be in a fully commitment relationship, I'd like to spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork related both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical intimacy and emotional intimacy with an agreement that we're exploring this relationship with the intent to be partners with one another because I'd like to get remarried. I said that really fast, but that's what commitment looks like for me. My invitation for you, Natasha, is first answer that question for yourself and then ask a guy a question and see how he responds. I hope that helps you. Thank you so much. All right, Kariva, I don't know, whoever you are, I'm sorry. How do you let go if he's not willing to move the relationship forward? That's the simplest thing you do. You say goodbye, you end the relationship. Why is there a fear around letting go? Ladies, that question is indicative of a person who doesn't own their power, who doesn't own their sovereignty. I would read my book. I would read my book, What the Heck is Self Love? So you gain your power back. In fact, I would highly recommend reading... Here, read this book. Breaking the habit of being yourself. That fear is causing you to let not let go. By this book, breaking the habit of being yourself after you get my book and stand in your power. Ladies, stop giving your power away to men. The minute you give your power away, if the relationship isn't progressing forward, you want to end it, then end it. You don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't in alignment to who you are and what you want. This is why my coaching practice is booming, because I'm helping so many of you shift. In fact, I had one woman write, what did she say to me? She says, you're changing the way I approach dating. You're changing the way... Because this book fucked it up for all of you. This book, The Rules. Stupid reverse psychology bullshit ruined it for you all. Ruined it, ruined it, ruined it, ruined it. I'm hitting myself to demonstrate that's how bad this is. This way. Sorry. That hurt my head. Why did I do that? I crack myself up sometimes. Okay. I hope I answer your question. Work on yourself. That's what matters most. It has nothing to do with him. Work on yourself. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please hit that like button and let me know. All right. Corey Lee writes, question for Jonathan. My boyfriend of five years just told his family about me. Talked to him, seen him since. I've been asking to meet his family since 2019. He knows how much this means to me. I'm shocked you waited that long. Okay. But happy to hear that. That's not a question. That's just a statement. So let's see. It looks like you posted this. And let's see if it follows up. My boyfriend of five years told me two weeks ago. Wait. Told his family. Well, you didn't ask. How he knows how much this means to me. There's no question there. Everybody, if you actually have a question, write the word question and then actually ask a question. There's no question there. You're just telling me a statement. Ladies, this is a perfect example of the differences between men and women. When a man says, tell me a question. You don't give me the statement. You asked the question. Is that making sense? This is a big difference between men and women. Women will spend all this time. By the way, men are just as bad at this too. You'll spend a lot of time giving me backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory. How about start with the question? Why did my boyfriend wait this long? Well, that would be a question. I'm sorry, Corey Lee. I'm not meaning to shame you in any way. I'm merely illustrating that there is no question there, even though you say question. Unless I missed it. If I missed it, I apologize. Colleen writes, my love interest had strict parents and trauma from that. I'm opposite of his parents. Is this a good sign? He likes someone like me. I think I'd like to think it's a sign he's healed. Let me read this one more time. My love interest had strict parents and trauma from that. What I think I'm gathering here is your boyfriend had trauma in his life and you're not like his parents. What you're describing is what's called the amago. Read this book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. We oftentimes choose partners that are very much like our parents because we're trying to heal. Now here's the problem calling. If he hasn't healed from that trauma, just because you're the opposite doesn't necessarily mean because sometimes we will either choose what's familiar or the opposite, but it doesn't mean that he's in a healthy place to be in a relationship because if he had significant trauma from his parents and he's done zero healing, zero healing, all of that trauma will show up most likely in your relationship in a different way, shape or form. So the fact that you're different isn't necessarily a good sign because we either reject a behavior from our parents or we adopt a behavior from our parents. So I'm merely here to say, your question is how has he healed? Get it? How has he healed? All right. All right. Thank you for your question, Colleen. Vanessa writes, Jonathan, my partner has four older sisters and I feel he makes them more of a priority than me. I know family's important, but hey, I feel second best. Wow. Okay. So there's a lot more to this question that we don't know. For example, how far away does he live from his siblings? Does he see his siblings on a regular basis? My belief is a healthy happy relationship where two people live within 10 miles from each other should be if you're in a fully committed relationship and the penis is going inside the vagina on a regular basis. Yes, that means sex. You should spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, and so forth. Now that's one type of relationship. If you're spending that much time with them, you're not feeling any anxiousness. So the real question I have for you is how often do we see each other? How often do you talk to each other? Are you building the roots to commitment? Are you building the roots to commitment? Ladies, one of the problems I see with so many of you is you don't know how to build the roots to commitment. This is why my coaching practice is designed to teach you the foundational roots. So you focus on that instead of, well, we just love each other and magic, fairy dust is magically going to make things work out. And by the way, Vanessa, I'm not saying that for you. I'm talking to everybody. Most of you have adopted this belief that chemistry will solve all your relationship woes. That is not true. Emotional maturity solves relationship woes. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. By the way, where's my buddy Doug on here? Our token great conscious mail. All right. So how do you make, how do you shift that? You start having a conversation with them. Tell them how you're feeling. Chapter one in my book, speak your truth, do it with kindness. Later on the book, chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you cannot say the wrong thing to the right person. Vanessa, just tell them how you're feeling. The right guy will appreciate you and the wrong guy is going to care more about his sisters. But then do you really want to be with the wrong guy? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. Thank you so much. All right. Oh, we just did that one. Corey Lee said, I'm sorry. And then she said, my fault. First off, there's nothing to apologize. I didn't, like I said, I didn't mean to shame you. I just wanted to illustrate the difference between a question and story. So hopefully you found some value in that. All right. Oops. Oh, hey, Doug's here. Yay. All right. Let's see. Denise writes, how to impress a guy on a first date. You know, I was going to say something incredibly crude. That sucks with them. That'll impress a guy. But I'm not going there. I'm just kidding. You know what? Compliment him. I'm going to tell you one of my favorite. I had a date back in 2005. So look at this. 16 years ago. But it's still to this day, it's imprinted in my head. The first word she said to me, she said, wow, you're gorgeous, Jonathan. From that moment on. By the way, we dated. This is the one I was the train wreck when I met her. But that was her first words. I mean, I was done. Stick a fork in me. Maybe it's the Leo in me that loves compliments who loves to feel adored or whatnot. But you know what? You really want to impress a guy? If you feel it, then tell him how attractive he is. Give him a compliment. Ask him quite. So I have, I'll make it simpler for you. I have an acronym to help you. This acronym is called nice. N-I-C-E, nice. The N stands for his name. Say his name in a sentence. Jonathan, that's my name. Okay. So now you start with a name because when we hear our name, we actually perk up. We actually appreciate when people use our name in a sentence. That means we feel like they're connecting with us. So number one, their name. Number two, inquisitive. Ask inquisitive questions. For example, the one woman said, how did you get into this business? Like that's a, you know, how did you get involved with what you're doing? Why did, what made you choose to become an intellectual property attorney? What caused you to, you know, jump off a cliff when you were 27 years old? I don't know what it, I mean with a bungee cord or whatever. You know, come up with a really inquisitive question about him. Throw in a compliment. The ceased inquisitive, the C stands for compliment. We men get this many compliments in a day. Back when we used to be in the workforce, you ladies would get a gazillion compliments in a day. Oh my God, I love your shoes. Oh my God, what a beautiful purse. What did you do to your hair? You look fantastic. Oh my God. Ladies, you get compliments. We men get zero compliments in a day. We perk up when we get compliments. And the last and the E stands for enthusiasm. Enthusiasm. Like a happy emoji, just be enthusiastic. That gets our intention and that impresses us if we like you back. So if we're attracted to you, this is going to work. Thumbs up. Are you with me on there, Denise? I hope so. All right. Giving you a big hug for that one. Great question. All right. Colleen says, thank you so much. You're very welcome. Monica. Monica. Jonathan or a question. If you set a healthy boundary with a man because you aren't feeling like a priority and he responds well by showing up, what are some reasons that only last temporarily? Should I try again? So, well, here's the thing. A relationship is a dance. It's a dance. Let me just say something. Most humans truly lack emotional maturity. The average male and female has weak emotional skills. Okay. Ladies, you are just as bad at this as men. In fact, the problem with you is you think you're good at. Well, actually the men do this too. They both, human beings, the ego is so insidious you'll make yourself believe you're good at being emotionally mature, most or not. So a relationship is a dance. It's a ping-pong game. It's a give and take. So yeah, he might, you know, may not treat you like a priority all the time. That's going to happen. The healthy relationships are the ones that can survive the storms, that survive the storms. This is one of the reasons why there's a great book. I haven't talked about this book in quite some time. It's called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. What I love about this book and one of the things about Sue Johnson's work that I really appreciate, let me hold that up so you can see that, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, is understanding conflict resolution, but also something else called threshold barriers, threshold barriers. Threshold barriers are those bumps in the road relationships have, the bumps in the road relationships have. And by the way, when you overcome a bump, then you have another bump and you overcome that bump and you have another bump and you overcome that bump and you have another bump. This is natural in relationship and when you've overcome a fair amount of bumps, this starts cementing roots in the relationship because you can handle the conflicts and as you get older, they're going to be much easier to handle. So the answer is sometimes it takes a little bit of time. And by the way, men need training, men need training, men, ladies, this is why I continually say most men are clueless and this is why you are in charge of your relationship, Destiny, and you are in charge, you are the leaders of the emotional aspects of the relationship. Stop giving that job to men. This is why I highly recommend reading this book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, because this teaches you a spiritual way to date instead of the stupid fucking rhetoric centered around men are supposed to do this and masculine infemininity, masculine infeminity. Let's throw out the gender expectations and start treating people like human beings. That's going to have a greater chance for success when you throw out gender expectations. Going back to your thing. Yes, give another shot and see what happens and because it's going to happen again and again, it's just a natural part of relationships because human beings are perfect, but they are trainable and the right guy will want to be trained by you. I know every man hates hearing that and every woman hates the idea of it, but trust me, my mother trained my father very well. And if you ask my siblings who was in charge of the relationship, it was my mother. And my father was the commander of a 600-foot destroyer in World War II. This is a guy who was in the military, in the Navy. He commanded hundreds of people. He was an alpha male. He was no pushover. He was not a beta male. And yet my mom, because she knew she was in charge of her destiny, not him, and that's my invitation for you, Monica. I hope that helps. All right, let's see what else we have. RMG, how can you tell a guy is only interested in sex versus a serious relationship? Well, you can ask him, man, what are you looking for? How he responds is going to speak volumes. Listen, by the way, everybody, let me just read you something. Bear with me a second. I just have to load an app. Okay, I'm going to read you something to illustrate a point. This is my match.com profile. I'm going to read you what it says. In my own words, it says, let me start with the following. I would like to get remarried or at least live together. And I'm seeking a woman who feels the same. For me, this isn't about growing old with someone. I want to grow in life and in love with a special woman. Plus, I promised my next partner emotional maturity, lots of great sex, chocolate massages, flirty text messages, poetry, travel, and tacos on Tuesday. How does that sound? Now, I'm very intentional. I know I want to get remarried. So because I know that, I'm seeking a potential wife. So when you ask a guy, what are you looking for? Listen to how he responds. Well, I just want something casual. I don't want any pressure. You know, I don't want anything serious. Well, that's a guy that if there's great chemistry between you, then there's a chance he might only be in it for the sex. Because a man, now let's take the guy like me, who's marriage-minded, okay? And I meet a woman, there's great chemistry. I'm going to actually hold back on the sex because I know that can be dangerous if you have sex too quickly. Now, I'll be candid. I've had a few instances where it's happened. There's been great chemistry where we had sex and it didn't work out. Yes, I've had that happen a few times. I'd like to think I've matured beyond that, but I'm going to tell you that even in those cases, I didn't waste someone else's time. So my point is, find out what he's looking for, ask him what type of relationship he's looking for, and then listen to how he responds. I think that might help you. I hope it does, RMG. All right, Doug, let's see. Bear with me, everyone. There's lots of questions. Not all men are, not all men, Judy. Okay, I didn't see what was going on, but he said that question. What to do if a guy doesn't want commitment but doesn't like to know, doesn't like to know I hang out or date other men? What to do if a guy doesn't want commitment, but doesn't like to know I hang out with other men or date other men? Jasmine, thank you for this question because this is really a question for you. Why are you with a man who doesn't want commitment and why are you hanging out with other men? Everybody think about this question. Let's think about this. And by the way, Jasmine, I don't mean to throw you under the bus or shame you, but this is an interesting analogy here because ladies, the reason why I'm such a big proponent of self-love is because you are in charge of your destiny. Who cares about the guy? Let's focus on you. Why are you with, so number one, why are you with a guy who doesn't want commitment and why do you feel the need to hang out with other men? Who cares about how he feels about it? Why are you doing what you're doing? I think if you answer that question, do me a favor, Jasmine, answer that question and let me see how you respond or give me a follow-up question that's a little bit more relevant because it doesn't matter what to do. What to do is find out what you want. Saratoti, whatever that is, right? John, you said you're a train wreck while working on your issues, knowing the relationship won't work. Would you suggest a client work on themselves and heal more first versus pursuing a relationship? That's a great question. I can say this, I was a train wreck because I can look back and connect the dots. At the time, I was fooling myself. I kept saying, I want a relationship, I want a relationship, I want a relationship. I was fooling myself. It took me a long time to realize I was fooling myself. Most people don't try to hurt other human beings. They just lie to themselves. I'm here to say that in hindsight, I wish I could go back, but I can't. But everybody that was part of my path, excuse me, my path, wow, that sounds very ominous there, part of my journey, each one of us was having a benefit happening. One of the ideas in my book is everything is happening for you, not to you. I did my best not to hurt anyone. I did my best. But if someone felt that they got hurt, it's because there was a lesson for them to learn. That's why so many of you were frustrated because you're hyper-focused on the guy instead of hyper-focusing on yourself and why you chose people the way you did. So that woman who knew I was a train wreck, she went against her better judgment, but at least she did it with consciousness. So many of you say after the fact, she did it at least before the fact and that's I think a healthier way to approach dating. So approach dating with consciousness as much of a beginner mind as possible and healing is an ongoing thing. I'll be healing for another 40, 50 years of my life. It's not a destination. Healing is not a destination. It's a process and hopefully the right woman wants to join the journey with me so we can help heal each other because I'm absolutely committed to helping my partner heal their childhood wounds and traumas while I do the same. By the way, I just realized I am so passionate when I communicate that I run out of breath. All right, let's see what other questions we have here. Jonathan, oh wait, someone says, Jonathan, I always say flattery will get you everywhere. That's right, start with a compliment everybody. Sarah writes, the man I like ignores my question about his marital status and relationship status and talks about something else. I like him so much, what should I do? So I'm assuming Sarah, you are a person that is a glutton for punishment because what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I apologize. I don't mean to shame you here but Sarah, if you like a guy who's evasive then my question is how is that familiar to you in life? You probably need to read this book Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks because chances are you're attracted to him. He represents a pattern. He represents most likely one of your parents who was evasive or ignored you in your life and you're seeking to, most likely seeking to get that love and fulfillment from one of your parents and that's why you're choosing him. This is why I highly recommend everybody reading this book. How to be an adult in relationships because when you're an adult in relationship you do not accept behavior like what he's doing. You won't accept it. So, you have a choice get busy living or get busy dying. Heal on yourself Sarah. Read these two books and I promise you you won't give a shit about that guy once you've read these two books. You read these two books and I promise you you won't care about this guy anymore. That's my suggestion to you. Oh, after you buy my book what the heck is health love anyway? Sarah, I hope that helped. Sorry I was a little tough but my coaching is heart centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart and yes, occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So, thank you. Alright. Denise writes Yes, thank you. I'm not a guy, we just haven't had a date because of the lockdown. Gotcha. By the way, lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of people fell in love during the lockdown. Just want you to know that. Lots of people have met and fell in love during the lockdown. Just saying. Linda writes, gave your book to a guy I'm interested in his energy change. Not sure if I offended him. I apologize and apologize if I did. First off, giving a book to someone is a very generous thing to do. So, if someone got offended now what I would ask is I notice a change in your behavior is something going on. Now, he might deflect it. What you want to pay attention really listen to your intuition when you ask him that question. What's your behaviors a little bit different? You feel off is everything okay? And if he says no, then you don't need to spend any time thinking about this. And if he says yes, you can simply say what's up for you. And then ask him how he feels. Don't immediately feel like you did anything wrong or need to apologize. That's the little kid inside of you that's yearning to be loved. This is why I highly recommend reading this book. Linda, The Hoffman Process. This will teach you about because your little kid is screaming for love and attention because you immediately want to, you feel like you did something wrong and you want to apologize. That's our little kid when our mom and dad yells at us or they ignore us or something. That's what happens. So, read this. This will take you a month or two to do. But you're going to feel a whole lot better or sign up to their program. You can look them up online at the Hoffman Process, but that's what's actually happening there is your little kid feels like you did something wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing you did wrong by giving them a book. And if he got offended, that's his shit, not your shit. Simply ask him, I notice the shift in your energy is everything okay. Did that help, Linda? I hope so. Giving you a thumbs up. Let's see what Doug just wrote. I reluctantly agreed about, I reluctantly agreed about training men. Me. A strong, confident and adorable woman is always welcome. Ladies, what I mean by the way, a guy like me, you don't need training. I come fully trained. That's because I read all these fucking books. If I guarantee you, I guarantee you, you could meet a thousand men who have never read any of these books. Not that I'm one in a thousand or whatever, but I understand this shit. Doug, I just wanted to say this. A lot of men are mature and grown up, although most human beings are suffering on the inside in some way, shape or form, meaning I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likeable. I don't care how financially successful a person is, everybody is suffering. This is why working on oneself is so important. This is why I'm such a big proponent of personal development, self-help and spiritual work on a regular basis. You don't need to be trained. It's because men are rather clueless. But here's what training looks like. You lead by example. You lead by the example. You set the example of emotional maturity. That's how you train a guy. You simply lead by being emotionally mature and when you're emotionally mature, you're going to have, and if you're with a guy who's a good follower, he's going to follow you and it's going to be a juicy, delicious, loving, healthy relationship. I'm going to start doing that. I'm going to start going, can I get an amen? I got a text message while we're talking. Let's see what's next. Thank you, Doug. I appreciate that. And Doug says, I got an amen. Anyway, let's see what else we have. We got more. We got an amen. Amen. Oh, here, Grace said something. This is to Sarah. Ignore me once, shame on you. Ignore me twice, shame on me. Yes. If someone is continually treating you like an option instead of a priority, once, shame on them. Twice, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, a hundred times, shame on you for accepting bad behavior. This is why I'm such a big proponent. Where's the book? Bear with me a second. Ladies, I love Brene Brown's work. Daring greatly. If you want to change your life, read this book. Become a master of your own destiny by daring greatly. Read all the books I recommend. By the way, I'm going to tell you the women who have been following my advice for the last six months reading all the books I recommend and then introducing these books to the men that they're dating. It is changing their love life. It's changing their relationship to a better and healthier relationship. Or they're kicking the guy to a curve much faster. If you need some support on this, this is my area of expertise as a coach. You can reach out to me and we can talk about this. There's a link in the description. There's my free discovery call. There's my book, What the Heck Is Self Love? If you can't afford coaching, I have a private group called What the Heck Is Self Love? And all the books I recommend are in the description below. So definitely check them out. Another amen. Wow. Folks, I am just out of breath. So I have a comment I want to share with everyone before we wrap up today. So someone posted a comment on a recent video said, Jonathan, with no disrespect, the coloring you use on your hair is very unattractive. You're doing a very terrible job coloring up the gray and the color just doesn't look good on you. So this is what someone wrote and this woman said with all due respect. My response was I don't use hair color. Ladies, I thank my mom and dad. I've been blessed. This is my natural hair color. I'm in my 50s. I just have a tiny bit of gray here. But I don't use hair color. So why I'm sharing this story with you, she immediately what was interesting is and this is why it's important to read the book, the four agreements, the four agreements. One of the agreements is don't make assumptions. What she did was she made an assumption about me. She made an assumption about me instead of being inquisitive. Hey, Jonathan, I'm really curious. Do you use hair coloring? And I would have responded no. And then she wouldn't have stepped in the shit she stepped in because that's what she did. She stepped in shit. That's what we do when we make assumptions about human beings. We step into shit because she assumed I used hair coloring. I don't. Okay, this is my natural hair coloring. I'm grateful. I am so grateful because my mom and dad gave me the two most important things for our dating is I'm six foot two head of hair and I'm just saying that tongue in sheet. But from a woman's perspective I'm in the top one percent because of that. Thank you, mom and dad. Thank you. Thank you. But going back to don't make assumptions about people just like the woman who thought that she offended a guy and needs to apologize. That's an assumption. Don't make assumptions. Be curious instead of assumptive. Be curious. That's a healthier way to approach life. Is this helping? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Hit that like button. All right. Let's see. And this is going to be my last question for the evening. And by the way, Stephanie, thank you. Thank you, Kara. Thank you, Colleen. Okay, Monica, John, follow up. Would you say that men gain more respect for women that set and stick to their boundaries despite probably feeling annoyed? Let me just tell you the most attractive thing to me is not boundaries. Boundaries, well, I prefer standards versus boundaries by being very vocal as to what your standard is in relationship. Be upfront about that. A boundary is what's okay and what's not okay for you. The only differentiated is typically boundaries. We have to implore boundaries when something goes off, goes wrong, if you will. We set a boundary, but I prefer setting standards right from the get-go with men. Okay? Setting standards by being very deliberate. For example, what are you looking for in a relationship? Well, I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, supporting each other in teamwork, both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, which leads to exploring the depths of a relationship. That's my standard. Let's start with that. Start with your standard and then see how a man reacts. Let me tell you, the man who's only in it for the short run, he's gone. The minute you set that... Now, you all know how men like a challenge and we like the hunt and we like the chase. But all of you ladies are listening to the female energy coaches that men love the hunt, they love to claim, and they love to be chivalrous and love to chase. Let me just tell you. Let me tell you what we're chasing. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship. We're not chasing that. When we chase, it's because we want to fuck. That's what we chase. It's getting laid. That's what we chase. What we invest in is a whole different ball game. And mature men want to invest in the whole package. If you start with your healthy standard and the right guy is going to go, I want that too. And the wrong guy most likely will run away. But if he's doing a hot pursuit, chances are he's in it for the short run and not the long run. Is this resonating? Is this sinking in? Let me know. Okay. I think this is a great place to... Let me bear with me a second. Monica, I loved your question. Thank you so much. Cindy writes, height and hair are not as important as real connection. I would agree. But in the filtering process, I just happen to be in the top 1% because a lot of women filter based on that way. But I agree. Heart connection is far more important than height and hair. Amen to that. Stephanie says, yes, this is helping. Denise writes, yes, you have beautiful hair. Thank you. And again, I thank my mom and dad. By the way, I'm not going to be the ego involved. I'm going to own my shit for a second. There is a little bit ego involved. Partially, I'm grateful. Partially, I recognize that it helps me. So I'm just going to own my bullshit arrogance, if you will. Well, Lisa, hey, big thumbs up to Lisa. Most men need just... Wait, damn, that's shocking. Most men need just for men by your age. I agree. I had a guy assume I was a drinker because of my voice. It's hard to understand. Thanks to the big hugs to you. By the way, I know you're going through a lot with that. People make judgments. But again, going back to the comment I made. Read this book, everyone. It's a game changer. And thank you, Lisa. Big hugs to you. All right, everyone. I think this is a great time to wrap up. Hope you found value in this video really quickly. Just a reminder how to stop being an option and how to be treated as a priority. First off, pay attention if a man has passion or purpose in his life. Number two, is he going through chaos? Is he going through a divorce, a job issue, health issue? Is he set in his ways because he's been single for a long time? And lastly, is he only seeking casual, meaning stable, ambiguity? Men who operate with this foundation oftentimes treat women as an option. And if you want to seek a man as a priority, then ask better questions. And if you need help asking better questions, check out the link to a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. I think this is a great place to wrap up today. I want to first off, thank you all for being on live or listening. If you've gotten this far to the recording, thank you so much. I'm going to wrap up this video. As I always do, first off, give myself a big, gigantic, joth and bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Let me say goodbye to Stephanie and Cindy and KK and Denise and Lisa and Patricia and Holly and Doug and Jocelyn and Leif and M.M. All of you, thank you so much. Have a wonderful evening and have a cocktail on me. Thanks a bunch. Bye now.