 Item number SCP-789-J Object Class Safe Special Containment Procedures SCP-789-J is kept in my toilet, and only I can talk to it. Description SCP-789-J is a ghost that has a face. It lives in a toilet, and it talks to you while you poop. Then when you poop, it goes, no, stop, ahhh, and then stops because there is poop in its mouth. SCP-789-J travels around in butts. You can only get rid of it by wiping. That is the moral of the story. Sometimes it kills other butts and makes them butt ghost too, but it is always lonely because it is a butt ghost. Addendum If you fall in the toilet, it eats your butt. By Researcher James, age 11. SCP Foundation Tales That's The Joke Threat ID K-T-E-8-5-4-4 Porcelain Butt Good Authorized Response Level 7. Apocalypse Description Type Z-8-Pultergeist in Capable of Travel by Inhabiting Ute Subdued Temporarily by Death Taken to Avoid Falling Wiping is the… Ass I know the Thaumaturges already told us that it wouldn't be susceptible to targeted meta-exposure, but I still maintain that it was worth the shot. I didn't even need to use the whole page. Researcher James, age 8. Zero Seconds Test Commences Subject Instructed to Initiate Stated Protocols 14 Seconds Subject Reports Gastrointestinal Distress K-T-E-8-5-4-4 Porcelain Produces Characteristic Vocalization 23 Seconds K-T-E-8-5-4-4 Porcelain Attempts to Replicate via Subject's Posterior, but is hindered by Testing Protocols 3. 19. Subject Ceases Testing Protocols K-T-E-8-5-4-4 Porcelain Observed to be Subdued, but Active Subject Instructed to Remain on Toilet in Case Protocols Must Be Resumed 341. Classified Due to Subject's Unusually Small Frame and an Oversight in Toilet Selection 419. Classified I would have sworn that those cafeteria burritos would do the trick. Here's hoping they can get the guy new butt. Researcher James Researcher James was instructed to interview K-T-E-8-5-4-4 Porcelain to ascertain information that could assist in the entity's liquidation. Researcher James is seen pacing the restroom. Camera focused on K-T-E-8-5-4-4 Porcelain shows the entity in his toilet. Seen as dramatic. Begin interview So K-T-E-8-5-4-4 Porcelain If that is your real name, who are you? I am the butt ghost! And why should I believe you? Slam says hands on the toilet seat and presumably glares at the butt ghost in a threatening manner. I'm going to eat your butt. How bizarre. Stands up from the toilet seat and accesses a plastic baggie of goldfish crackers. Why do you eat our butts, butt ghost? Butts do not equal love, you know. Fart. Poot. Poop. Choose on goldfish crackers like a hard-boiled detective would chew on a cigar. Fascinating. Truly fascinating. You know, despite your rather prolific history of gluticidal self-replication, you seem to be a solitary creature. Mine telling me why. But of course, it would only make sense with you being a butt ghost. One last thing. Makes the butt ghost dead in the eye with a chilling glare. Wiping. Why does it get rid of you? Where are the hostages? Tries to eat James' butt, but he can't because he's in the toilet and James isn't. I'm a butt ghost. Attempts to snap its fingers, but he hasn't quite gotten that down yet. It all makes sense now. What else could the moral of the story be? I've got all I need to go to the presses with this. End interview. Closing statement. Researcher James was grounded for unrelated reasons after the conclusion of this interview. He knows he's only allowed one snack in the afternoon. And by the way, we don't have to make him a researcher just because only he can talk to it. Researcher James' dad. List ID 8544 Porcelain Gimmel A3 Description. At the recommendation of Sanderson Consulting Partners, a task force was formed to use victims of KTE 2985 Silver to destroy the butt ghost. Four infectees were brought to the toilet containing the entity. The entity was destroyed by repeated exposure to emissions of the infectees. Question. Is there any reason we couldn't have just used normal lasers? Researcher James' dad. Yes. The reason is because butts. Researcher James. KTE 8X44 Porcelain. Liquidated. SCP Foundation Tales. An excerpt from Goodbye Ghost. Act II Scene II But can't they help you in some way? There is no cure, rebutt cancer. But what will I do without you? James, you never needed me in the first place. What do you mean? Inside of you lies the power. Not me. I'm only a spirit that haunts the posteriors of mammals. I can't let you go. You already have. Gestures to the frame photo of James with an arm wrapped around a yield sign? It's not what you think! No. It's what I know. But-but ghost. Shhh. Don't speak. You've broken my heart enough already. I can't let you go. You had no trouble letting your other women go. That was years ago, but ghost? A but ghost never forgets. You forgot me once. I had to go soul searching, James. And what did you find? I found my spirit place. The air was still, and the water was cool. I felt a presence. I turned a look, but no one was there. I was alone. The moon overhead gazed down on my prone body. I felt nothing and everything at once. And that's when I realized, my people need me. Ankle ghost will be fine. It's not just ankle ghost anymore, James, it's the world. What does it even mean that revoking ghost license is everywhere now? No! It's true. But what about your estranged relationship with your brother? Ghost but will either have to get out of my way or join me. How? James, you know me too well to question my ability in dealing with these issues. Very well. I can only hope you don't fail. Failure is not an option. Good luck. Thank you. Here, take this. Pass this plunger. I will not let you down. Goodbye, but ghost, salutes. Goodbye, James. Flushes. Something even the loneliest man can relate to. Goodbye, ghost brings us to realize our own mortality and the importance of our relationship with our friends, regardless of corporeality. Foundation Tribune. Day of the year, period, CI review. Guaranteed to make you both laugh and cry. The but ghost performance is the best of the year, if not the century. Time anomaly magazine. What the fuck is this shit? 057