 Hello there my beautiful lovely talented and delightful internet friends. Welcome back to my channel Thank you so much for joining me here today for a video that I've started probably about 20 times today Take a look. Hello there. Hello there. Hello there. Hello there. Hi there. Hello there. Hello there It's it's pretty pathetic I have not been able to get past like the intro here because this is a subject that I'm Absolutely terrified to talk about publicly the main reason for that is because I am absolutely terrified to examine it within myself But I feel like this is important for me to say for a number of reasons that I will be getting into So with that being said, let's do this I wanted to share with you the emotional journey of Losing faith and if I'm about to lose you I totally understand I don't mean losing faith in the world in humanity or in hope I mean losing a faith system so often when we talk about faith or religion We're hearing from people who have a well-formed set of ideas or opinions or beliefs Like there are the people who believe something and there are people who don't believe something They're advocating for one side or the other and so rarely if ever have I heard from someone saying I don't have a fucking clue And I should probably apologize for cussing, but I'll be honest. I'm probably gonna cuss more in this video I wanted to share with you today What it's been like Losing my faith over the last nine years and when I say that out loud I am immediately filled with a bunch of red flags like don't talk about this Joe Many of them are shame-based many of them are I don't want to dissuade other people from their faith If this is something that works well for them There there's a million reasons in my brain why I should never put this into words publicly But honestly, I would like to see more people Being honest about this sort of thing because I know I'm not the only person who's going through it I've talked about this before on my channel But being Christian is something that was my entire identity for the first 20 21 years of my life like my My world was God Christianity Jesus Christ the church that is everything. I cared about that was where every motivation I had came from it was who I was and how I saw myself and a few years ago I went through a lot of trauma within the church and outside of it that called a lot of these things I'd always believed into question like the well-constructed black and white box that I used to live in of Wrong and right good and bad suddenly became very gray. I started questioning God questioning things I never thought about before which I think is a process that many people go through as you mature and you become an adult You try to figure out what you actually believe for yourself Versus what you believe because it's what you were brought up with But if I'm being really honest over the past years of like deconstructing and reconstructing my faith I have always operated under the assumption that I'll find my way back. I'll find my way back to it I've just got to figure out how I've got to figure out how to believe again And even if I maybe haven't said that out loud I realize it's what I have been thinking under the surface for a while now But I've realized pretty recently that I'm not sure that that is the case anymore over the past two years I have consumed a ridiculous amount of content both from Christian and non-Christian creators Because I I feel like I have a foot in both camps where I'm like I still Feel some of this I still believe some of this but also a lot of this makes a lot more sense and resonates with me And so I've just been straddling this line and I'll continue to because I like hearing different perspectives But as I've gone through all of this it feels weird and lonely because Most people who talk about faith know what they're talking about most people who talk about faith have a strong opinion one way or the other And to be sitting here going I don't have a Mother-fricken-clu feels very foreign to me. I'm so used to having answers for why even if I didn't love the answer I've always had something to fall back on until recently where I really don't know what I believe or why I believe it or what I'm doing here Or if there even is a God and I would no longer identify with any religious or faith-based label I feel like a failure. I feel horrible about myself I feel like I deserve to be condemned because of what I was taught for so many years And then that brings up the question of like why would I want to be a part of a group of people who condemns? People right like why would I want to be a part of a group of people who thinks that people on the outside are bad? And I realized that is not at all what all of Christianity or faith looks like but that is what a lot of it looks like That is a lot of the examples that are out there watching how my old belief system has responded to world events over the past year by primarily Denying very serious things exist by denying science by carrying flags as the capital is invaded saying Jesus saves By running active campaigns not to wear masks because we don't live in fear We live in faith when that's not the point I realize these are all human actions and that many people of faith will say like that's people That's not God I get that but it is so difficult to want to believe in something that hurts so many people That is alienated so many people that masquerades as being a safe place and having the answers when it really might not The other thing about all of this is you lose community It's not just having like a worldview and answers for things and it map and like identity, but it's also like community It's also family. It's it's people who believe the same things and are walking alongside you and built in friendships and community community is so important as a person and That has been my life for so many years like if someone said they were Christian I was like, alright, so I mean, I know you as a person, but I know basically what you stand for probably I know basically what you believe and there was automatically a sense of like community and connection there and now that is gone Now I don't feel that at all and I feel bad about not feeling that and it's complicated Deconstructing your questioning your faith is such a hard thing to begin Because there are so many roadblocks that are put in place with that community because you lose that community You become the person who is a project to be Reconverted or the person that people are sad about or maybe they condemn or judge a little bit because if you left the faith You probably never really believed or you know Satan's tempting you away or you're just selfish or whatever it is There are so many negative messages that are built into questioning or leaving faith It makes it an even more exceptionally painful and confusing process to go through and the other thing is like I don't know that I don't believe a lot of the principles and things. I used to believe I think I do believe in some kind of God I very much believe that there is more that goes on than we as people know and see I just haven't the faintest clue What that is when you're so deeply involved with the church and you're like in the in crowd Because you're in that community you hear the things that are said about people who leave or people who are questioning and Now those things just ricochet around my head and I know the things that I used to feel about people Who said they didn't believe in Christianity or God or Jesus anymore or weren't sure if they did and all the preconceived notions and judgments I had and now I know that that's what other people think about me when you question your faith to a Deep extent you damage relationships, which is so bizarre because Shouldn't it be like a personal journey, but it's not it's a community thing and it gets complicated and weird And then people get mad at you or they feel weird about you or they feel weird around you Or they think of you differently when you're actually the same person, but beyond that There's sort of the the personal level of it of it being Takes it a lot to say about that of it being so disorienting and weird not to have answers for yourself Anymore and not to know what you believe because having faith having a religion the world makes a lot more sense She's done with this weird to find myself in the middle like smack dab in the depth of the gray I'm I'm looking to find that I'm open I'm not you know and like active distress all the time about it But it's just so different than everything I've grown up with and when you start breaking away from things that you have believed The entirety of your existence It's impossible not to feel upside down and to constantly question yourself and to feel like you're probably in the wrong and bad and It's tempting to just squash all the real questions and doubts You have to just go back to what's familiar go back to what's known go back to at least having answers Even if you don't believe those answers because for a time for me the world made so much more sense like that And then it got complicated then it got real and especially living at a time where historical events are happening every week where The world is especially tumultuous place and we are all feeling that It's so weird not to have something to fall back on that has easy answers to hard questions Obviously religion and faith are things that people are very strong feelings and opinions on Understandably I did for many years and so saying this out loud I feel like I am probably letting a lot of people down and that's not my intention I just find it important to be honest about where I am and that's all this is It's not me trying to convert you to my way of thinking if this was me trying to convert you to my way of thinking I think we all know I'd be doing a very poor job because all I've really said is I don't know because I don't know I've always been a person of faith even when I haven't openly identified with that And so to be in a place where I'm like, I don't know what any kind of faith looks like I don't know what what that gap is gonna be filled in with There's a lot of wonder and possibility there and it's scary But I do have faith and hope and trust that somehow some way I'll figure out what that looks like But as the best character in all of movie history said that day is not today I hope some of this made sense. Let me know if it didn't there's a big possibility. It didn't I'm very concerned about posting this video if I haven't made that clear already But thank you for hearing me out. I truly appreciate each and every one of you listening I understand that a lot of people are gonna disagree with a lot of things I've said here and I respect that But I hope that you would respect as well that I'm simply sharing where I honestly am I'm very open to comments and conversations But I in no means made this video to condemn or convince anyone of anything but really simply to share This is where I am. I'm gonna end it right there. Thank you for spending a few minutes out of your day Here with me today, especially on this kind of a topic You could be anywhere else in the world doing anything else and you chose to hang out with me for a few minutes And I truly appreciate that. I love you guys. I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video