 Hello and welcome. Hi. This is e-fap movies. I have no idea when this will be out. Oh, that one This is e-fap movies 26. We're very busy with the DCU right now So this will probably come out in a long time from now, but we this is part of the DCU. Yes Troy is part of the DCU Achilles was the first Avenger. Yeah. Oh damn. No, that's all accurately This is that's a weird thing because like it's gonna be gods in the film In the story anyway, but they're not in the film So there's more gods in DC films than this one But the Avengers on in the DC Yeah, that's why is it that I would have said that no This is the movie where like 300 Spartans defends like the passive thermopoly against the invading Persians, isn't it? Yes, yeah, perfect. We're good to go There's only two two people two different connections here that have never happened before I think and they're both Sargon related so, you know get around more dude. Geez. Yeah, I'm really busy. I'm sorry Yeah in the center is is is Sargon on the furthest right is drinker. I don't think you guys met before say hello Hello there. Hello. You guys probably watch each other's videos Yeah, I actually like critical drinkers videos particularly you play man. Thank you I when you made like a response video once about I think my review of the Witcher I just felt really special deep inside I noticed me It wasn't even like me me chewing you out or anything I was you know, it's like adding a bit to it, you know, but no seriously I think it's me honestly. I like all the content creators on here. I think so much better than the alternatives, Frank Well, the other the other ones are saying things like cannon doesn't matter and shit like that And I hate that kind of view. Listen, it's only a sequel if you interpret it that way Exactly just oh get fucked like why the fuck am I having a conversation with this nerd? You know Why these the people we're talking to though these people don't know shit apparently wow and yeah Smiler Alice is just to the left of drinker. I don't think you've met him before he saw gone I don't believe so Briefly one game of killing floor. I did me right. Okay. Oh, that's an embarrassment I was trying to put out my mind because I'm shit at killing for Tell people that they have a high view of your zombie killing abilities Okay, that my zombie killing ability is not bad, but killing for two. I'm very poor at because I didn't practice it Well, I was gonna say I'd love to banter a little more But the thing is this is a three hour and 16 minute movie In the extended cut I really appreciate You want to give me a fair shake that's what we do here, and yeah, you know I'm excited so we'll probably just get a start up and then we're probably talking over a whole bunch of it But that's okay. We never do that. What are you talking about guys? Yeah, so is everyone on zero Click and I will be ready on go then three two one go I got a feeling you're gonna be less excited three hours and 16 minutes from now. Well, no I'll be pumped up. I'll be ready for the odyssey. That's the thing they made it They made a sequel to this it was I believe Helen of Troy and it didn't do very well at all. They did I had no idea I thought like Helen of Troy was just another Troy movie that was made by someone else I'm sure it was sold as like the the continuation of this film, but nobody's in it Yeah Yeah, 100 years ago. Oh my god, so what that would be weird if that was on the map This is before decades of warfare Agamemnon king of my sinee my sinee my sinee my sinee My sinee has forced the kingdoms of Greece into a loose Brother in Minelius Oh my goodness gracious Brax what you're doing in this movie say man, I thought I'd check in I just thought I'd check in and see what's up Those are good Dirt you got that Extended cut is just I think it is I'd hope someone lost their helmet. That's literally make it sound like that's a bad I don't think he's gonna make it. Yeah, this is all new. This is definitely This isn't the Act in the shit out of that scene though With the last thing I watched was batwoman so this is an incredible improvement. Oh, yeah, for sure This looks pretty awesome. I'd say there's similarities with this in batwoman. Yeah, I wonder how far back the Yeah, it's pretty good Well, I'm so much less read on this part of history, but I know you are Carl I'm glad you're here to fill us in fill us in the Historical you just said I'm so much less read that he said, but I know you are like you are less red Yo, shut up Yeah, I feel like this is the start of the film or the theatrical film where it's shown beans narration I remember getting right in with the big boy. Well, they cut there's no formation to these armies whatsoever They're just a big massive infantry. There's no archers. There's no cavalry. There's no like flanking or anything Yeah, they would they would have had hundreds of chariots. Are the horses too big then probably they were some they were much smaller in this Yeah, the reason they had chariots is again really right. Well, maybe the people are just really big. We know that's not true The people would need to be small. Yeah, I mean proportionally, maybe everything We're just there of estimating because we're normal height because these people probably been average like five at five So like armies manlets. I need to say their armor is garbage. Oh, no, the Spartan guy's arm is fancy The other guys are garbage. Yeah Trojan armor is what's his name in he's the villain in the third Indian Jones movie, right the old man Oh, Donovan. I just I don't have an old man. Anyway, I just know I'm a striker He's striker from X-Men Yes, yes Julian Glover and Brian Cox look at that already star studded your best fighter against my best Sounds like bullshit, doesn't it? Yeah, we killed one guy. Now your powerful army has to go home Likely he's like wow did our king agree to that? Well, I guess if I was in the army, I'd be like, oh, so we get to live And we don't have the fun I Get to go home Yeah, but if you're part of the army, you don't want to go home Your home is a fucking peasant hut somewhere in the mountains. You want treasure getting stabbed. Yeah, but you're here Of course, you know, you're here to kill. Yeah, but they're conscripted most of them aren't they? I would prefer myself to be without having to risk getting stabbed nice Yeah, but the point is do you think you're gonna be stabbing the other guy? Yeah, a lot of them were fully revved up keen to fight back. Yeah, totally So if I was a different person, I think differently. I agree. Yes If rags was hype into the whole stabbing thing, then yes, you might be annoyed They they they thought in like more mythological ways, right? And so they were like they were doing it for like glory and honor and prestige I actually have a movie on why medieval people loved war and goes into that whole yeah I'll move yummy in VA, but it goes into that whole thing It's a different mindset and warfare in this period was far more survivable than warfare in the modern day Yeah, why didn't I wake me up? Yeah, why didn't they wake him? Why didn't they bring him ridiculous? Just kind of standing there waiting for them to wait But why the fuck didn't they just wake him up first? Because they have this conversation with him and a kid you think Agamemnon would be like yeah Achilles is our man We need him for this battle. So just make sure he's here. I can remember why At some point a kill in the audit in the Iliad Achilles refuses to fight because Agamemnon doesn't allocate him the proper amount of treasure And so I assume it's something like that, but I don't know why he's come out fight now I think yeah in the movie. I think it's just like we need you to have Boobs in a kid an odd combination, but we need them both at once Like he wants to fight for glory not for Agamemnon in this right? That's like the yeah Yeah, also Agamemnon is a better name than dark side Okay. Yes, and it's better than Steppenwolf. I can't he's fight for your king who's a dick Think how many songs they'll sing in your honor Manipulating your body Imagine a king who fights his own battles. I'm old and fat. I'm old. Leave me alone Doesn't his mom as well tell him that if he goes to Troy you'll die. Yeah. Yeah, you go to Troy You'll die. Yeah about forever and he's like fuck. Yeah Hey, no projectiles Better than my throwing a thing. Yeah, he's pretty good. Obviously, you know, I would have kept the shield honestly He's real quick. You don't need it Lift your shield, mate. That's why you died. You've got a bloody shield I'm just in the crowd shout it. Yeah, you're like why did we that's why we gave it to you? I He's died. He's like it was really heavy. You just let him stab you Yeah, I think what they're going for in that is that Achilles is way faster than he thought he'd go to him real quick It would have played so much better if you actually had to shoot up and when Achilles rare I jumped up he actually pulled the shield down and you know got the sword in behind it You know, it's really weird about the Odyssey deal it is It's hard to know the authority that one has over the other in this because they're all kings and for some reason Agamemnon's in charge and it's not a clear like Kings like a Kings Guild Don't know but Agamemnon can tell Achilles He's not getting like a slave girl or whatever and then Achilles can go on strike and Like tell his men not to fight and stuff. It was really weird Was Achilles classed as the king in his own right? Yeah, he's the king of the Mermidons It's only cool names It's gonna be based on the relative size of your kingdom and your army and stuff And I guess the guy who's got the biggest army will be in command overall. Yeah, I But it's hard to tell, you know I like him and everything he said he always just like has he seems to have fun. I Suppose that's Helen Yeah, well just ask yourself would you launch a thousand ships for that? Yeah, well, I was just waiting that up actually. I was thinking well, maybe two hundred Man, she's gonna If they did one these days and they just had like, you know, maybe she would be like, okay guys Yeah, maybe a bit of rain and mighty some action, but yeah, I wouldn't launch I wouldn't launch a ship for her Not even one Not even a dingy maybe a one-eyed bow-legged fisherman in a dingy with syphilis Looking at the camera like why did you give me syphilis? Someone named Helen hurt you. I'm married so she doesn't do it for me And I could be very very critical, but I went all right, but does all I do do it for you No, I can hate all I did It's not even I dislike him as a person either. I'm sure he's a really nice person I just think he's a terrible actor. He's acting. He's a bit weak I haven't seen him in enough to judge, but this and Lord the Rings he's Pirates of the Caribbean Lord You made his career of being that kind of pretty boy character Exactly and then things I like like said, I don't even think he's an unlikable guy It's like, you know, he seems like a nice enough guy and everything, but it's just like I just think he's got shit delivery Well I would like you you can come on our next e-fap and we could talk about how wrong they are Paris is just a massive coward in this though, like when he's The role he's like Orlando can play a wimp really well in terms of Yeah, I was gonna say I'm assuming Mel you learn who hasn't seen this, right? Yeah, I don't think I take it off. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off. But I'm assuming Yeah, boy. All right, okay, Shad, how many ships are we launching now? Covering my eyes Extra diseases onto that pull fisherman Metal I'm assuming through just just casual discussion and over the years of your life You probably know a couple of spoilers for this story, right Troy and Achilles probably prop probably I think I've seen scenes of this movie, but I don't remember watching it all the way through. Well, let's just put it Yeah, it's just it's just a bite you want them to appreciate it I will not fall to your temptations Sure, don't be wrong, right? I totally understand that like launching a thousand ships from sparta seems a bit simpy, right? I mean, that's that's the probably the biggest simp of all time because Paris steals Helen from Sparta and men allow us to marry to her and he's furious and so Agamemnon needs this Wait, is it simply to steal a woman from someone else out of his own castle and everything? No, no, no, that's not the simpy part. The simpy part is sending a thousand ships to go get her back Oh, yeah Like Different if you like her to come back, but it's more like he sends a thousand ships to force her back Yeah, it's almost like she's property that's been stolen from him. I know we're into incel territory These two little shits get loads of people killed I'm not knowledgeable about the real or the sort of proper myth of this But like it seems to portray Achilles in the movie as being much more heroic and like good-natured than he probably was He's a pretty good man in this in this film. I was curious if that's He's a little dickish, but well, I know he's a bit of an asshole when he Is We will try and avoid Yeah In the 3000 year old story if I if I if it's not too early to spoil that the first line of the area That is goddess sing the rage of Achilles is about young men like dealing with anger issues, right? And and that's what it has So on your on your armor Point Carl like, you know, I think a guy who has a woman who's devoted to her can certainly Be devoted back, okay? But I'd say a few thousand ships. Maybe it's a little too much. Just say Base what is the simpline being crossed? Is it 200 to 201? No, it's not well-defined To me to be Helen is a bit of a two-timing whore like, you know She is You There's nothing worse than a woman who knows that her face will launch a thousand ships She's like one or two ships. They're like, okay. All right, you know, you know, you're worth it But you're still humble. I like it, but a thousand ships. All right, calm down So was Helen like kind of the ethos girl over time? Think of the ships Actually sounds like a very Greek word A bunch of semi-naked women hunched over computers Absolutely, dude imagine he did do what I think he did Well imagine you were one of the dudes working on this ship and you saw this you'd be like I See this is an absolute win The thing is though, okay fine, right? Okay, this you're your shit-heeled brother has brought has stolen the king But then why don't you just turn the ship around take her fucking back Oh, it doesn't they conclude it's too late. The insult has already happened or something like that Okay There's been some terrible misunderstanding And if she's pregnant that's completely by accident One of the sailors Do you know how many years our father worked for peace as throw him overboard don't listen to Hector You've since you've been a smart man so far. Do you think you know something about love? What about your father's love you spat on him when you bought her on this excellent point? Arguments right here Hector Kind of argument gonna be I love her just tie him up and throw him in the hole Dude Hector's face when he says I'll die fighting. He's like But yeah, okay, they'll kill him. Okay. Yeah, he stole the king's wife. What the fuck wouldn't I I think like yeah We're gonna put you in the break until we get back and we're gonna deliver Helen back to Troy And we're gonna resolve this easily Yes Like what are your other options shut up girl? I remember one of my sisters when we watched this movie asking Why does he wear a giant question mark on his head? Because he's always wondering I can't unsee that more Well, his helmet's gone. His home. It's gone. What a plot hole So I think we can blame it all the events on this movie on Orlando blooms his character No, it's the woman's fault for being attracted. His arms look very short and small Shadows negated the woman being responsible because she's only like a well, she's zero out of ten. Yeah Zero ships out of ten zero ships out of ten still launching just the poor fisherman with syphilis So here's the thing she's like nine ships out of ten, but I imagine if you're in a position like these guys Nine out of tens are everywhere for you. I mean you saw the winches before I think they were on an equal level Whenever one dude steals one of your horse, that's it. You know, I'm going to war everyone in Greece. You can't be doing that The thing is like the response of the Kings here because when when things escalate to matters of nations where they're one nation does a gross insult to another if there isn't some type of response the The wrong nation is gonna look really weak. It actually could have a severe impact on their state on the world stage So it's interesting. Well, yeah, I take it from the point of view of Agamemnon. This is exactly what he wants It's an excuse to go to war with Troy. A reason, yeah Old King Priam thinks he's untouchable behind his high walls But the gods protect only strong Wait a minute Technically the walls worked, okay, they had to like circumvent them How come they don't still use them the walls did work that was the problem stupid walls Every spring for ten years. Well, I don't know if you guys remember but it's the ramp of Troy I think they call it where everyone just got over the wall the ramp of the tramp of Troy. That's Helen. That's a different Came no Nas after this Well, no, seriously though historically there was a thing called an agar in this period and instead of a ramp of wood They just made a massive ramp of dirt to get over the walls of cities like it's huge You have a bunch of thousand guys sitting around all day. You're like, well, that's the point exactly Yeah, you know, just give them some shelter They would build like this, you know cover shelter from arrow fire And they would all just get a bucket of dirt and one at a time just pile up the dirt to make a ramp up To the wall. What about a wooden ramp on logs that you can roll right in, huh? Which is literally what the Assyrians had. Ah, see durians, they know what's up And they put massive battering rams on it as well. So it's just like fucking hell, calm down What do you think Grand was inspired by? Was the Assyrians? Yeah, Grand was great because it's like this battering rams pretty good But you know what would be even better if it had flames coming out of it's mess Yeah, the Orc who designed Grand was like, yes, they get to use it, it looks so cool there Yeah, how often do you get to use one of those? That dog looks more like Sean Bean I didn't know Sean Bean was Sean Bean Sean Bean is Sean Bean is Odysseus Where were all of you guys? He was commentating the beginning of the film I was busy talking I totally forgot Sean Bean was Odysseus This is a new scene as well I think It looks like he's about to make love to that dog Oh no, stop it Stop forcing yourself on it Rags is getting hot under the cull There's nothing wrong with that Well, maybe there is but that's all Why are they ruins already? Yeah, where did these come from? These ruins take thousands of years to make This would be a fresh temple I'm very offended with the way that they're fighting with these Zyphosses What are you doing? It was a flourish to put fear in his enemy Oh, that was actually a nice bit of complex choreography I remember really enjoying the fight scenes I mean, I'm looking forward to seeing the big fight again The fight between Achilles and Hector is brilliant I do appreciate the movement style They give Achilles to make it very distinct Wow That was very funny Dude Sean Bean almost died That tree grew just in place Kings would kill for the honor There's a lot of them Yeah, there's like all of you king Isn't Frank over there a king too? Yeah I was waiting for one of the roars on that ship I'm a king I'm a king Nobody asked you Brian Hey, it's king Brian to you Where's Address, man? Address is what kind of cool back then, you know Because you could kill people anyway Yeah, he doesn't wear pants like a barbarian That's literally it The Persians invented trousers So they're literally barbarian clothes Well, you know Honestly, dresses are very comfortable You're very free Tell us more about this, Shad Yeah, I've got a video on it You can go check it out Do you wear a dress in the video? Dresses are fashionable I like the way Achilles is actually dressed Like some Californian hippie mother Yeah That's where they film this, California Well, he certainly owns the look He looks like he owns a tie-dye shop or something Yeah, it was bleach blonde hair and everything Hold back He's like a surfer dude Yeah, he's just living on his beats somewhere Yeah Brad Pitt's always got that look though, hasn't he? Like in every movie he's in Yeah, I know I'm hot as fuck We're gonna do that Like he can't fully open his eyes Brad Pitt Look, he's always squinting He's like never opening his eyes fully Yeah, that's what we have to do Look, it's the small... Open your eyes, man I think it's because they're outside in the sun I'm making you another seashell necklace I don't want it The ones I used to make Mama, never wear them, they're embarrassing Sagan, you might know this Achilles become like powerful because his mother dipped him in water and she held him by his foot and that's why his weakness is his Achilles The waters of the River Styx And yeah, his mother's... I've just looked it up, a Thetis She's not a goddess And she's a naryade which is a kind of water nymph thing, I think but she was worried about her son's mortality and so dipped him in the River Styx And I had to hold on to his heel I have to I have to get to the River Styx But, hang on Isn't that in the Underworld? How come more people didn't dip their babies in the River Styx? She just had a question He just casually walks down to Hades I feel like you'd find a way You attach a rope to the baby and drop him down a big well all the way in the River Styx Dunk him in twice Put one heel then the other heel Telling the other mother I can appreciate the tactical formation here I'm getting real Iron Fleet flashbacks here I'm expecting a dragon to come down Hopefully he won't forget I think you're right though The other mothers should have been dipping their children in the River Styx Maybe it's like a limited resource like you can't dip too many babies in the River Styx Now it's rude She ruined the river for everyone else She double dipped her baby and no one wants anything Well, at least Achilles never died When he got shot where and died? Oh my god This is always awkward Why are they celebrating her? You've screwed us over That guy walking behind a cherry umbrella Look at the old women Holy shit They're just jealous because there are only 5 ships out of 10 This is such an awkward scene I think everyone knows what's going to happen now or at least a lot of them do So they're all just like... Yeah, that guy with the umbrella I think there would just be guys behind them with spears Celebrate No Priam's not tyrant, he wouldn't do that Well, I think he's like, hey nice to see you but he's aware of how bad this is about to be Right We have good bettños Imagine wearing all that armour and standing out in the sun all day The set in the background all look really great Yeah, it looks pretty good I still hate their armor Yeah, well, fine Their armor hates you, Shad Yeah, see that face He's like, oh We're at war Yeah, you have to go What the hell did you put there Send her back Well done Hey girl From the only other thing I know her from was Diplusi, that's it Look at Hector, Hector's got it all going on He's a responsible dude, he's got a hot wife Everything's going great for Hector and Paris ruins it Just send him back to the Spartans if he steals their queen I'm not hot For the gods I feel like the gods would be like, oh you pour ours on the floor We're not all Hades I actually went to the ruins of the Oracle at Delphi in Greece and I was like, shit I need to leave an offering for an Apollo and the only thing I had on me was a plum Hey, a plum, that's symbolic My son I was like, sorry son Sorry boy Why didn't they go back after all You said he was going to die fighting or something Then I'll die fighting King just said if we send her back, he'll go after her and I'm like, good I think that's a given that he'll go after but the worry I guess is stupid Paris being like, I'm going to kill myself if you do that, boo Sure, go ahead 30 years I have worked for the peace 30 years These Greeks are a pretty fucking war-like, don't they? You see, every conversation Hector has with his family is like, I'm the one who ends up fighting so, yeah, cool Everyone makes fucking promises that Hector has to fulfill What the fuck are you doing? Everyone's like, for fuck's sake, stop it Shut your mouths I want to go back to my hot wife It's the Charlie Wands Hector's the real hero of the Aliad We'll live off the land No more palaces for us, no more servants We don't need any of that See, okay, so it's not just as acting Paris is annoying as fuck He's just a naive idiot You will leave, our love will carry us The way he thinks about this it's like a love-struck, like, 14-year-old girl Like someone who has absolutely nothing resembling common sense What if we just run away, things will be okay Characterizing him that way is what allows most of the plot to happen I don't get what she sees in him, really, though I don't think it's just that I think it's like undivided attention as well I imagine if you had a face that was worth a thousand ships you'd be really used to the affection of guys all the time looking at you, trying to cop a feel on one of your magnificent boobies They were great I'll give her that Staring right in my soul I keep losing in front of girls This is like, what? Why are you all here? What are they thinking? What are they thinking? Guys, guys, guys They're pointing the sticks in the wrong direction Are they thinking enemy soldiers are just going to run up the beach so blindly that they'll just go straight into the stick The soldiers coming from the opposite end they're pointing in the wrong direction Are they? Yeah, they're pointing them towards the sea It's not like they're going to charge the chariots of the walls They would assume that they come from the sea, right? They do come from the sea Yeah Oh, I thought that was the enemy army sitting up That was the Trojans doing defences They're pointing in the right direction I thought we were watching Yeah, I thought they had led My mistake I don't want to argue with Shad because he knows his shit when it comes to this sort of stuff It's right or wrong Honestly, that was a collective silence from all of us Trust your gut I thought it was just to stop ship some shoreed up as close Shad, tell us why they put those things there They make them all in one piece like that I guess it breaks up your formations, doesn't it? Well, they're swords, yeah, they do I suppose those funnel troops down certain pathways that you could then saturate with archers or something like that We're waiting for Shad to tell us the actual reason Hang on, I was getting distracted by that massive double-bitted axe Massive axe What was that? A true porn of this movie Axe porn That axe was garbage Labrises with ceremonial The name of the double-headed axe is a labris I thought they were ceremonial That was a massive cart full of them That was a massive historical mistake Can I change my labris to like a spewnish shield? Can I have the real one not the ceremonial one please? Can I just go home? You're just now ringing the bell When they stole the boats at first they were like, they're still pretty far out We don't need to rig it, some people need to sleep Shad, bells, were they historically accurate? Was that a thing? Bells Well, actually that's the question for Carl You'll notice that everything's made out of bronze This is why the swords would be cast I've actually got a bronze sword that I made And apart from the wooden handle everything about it is essentially cast in one piece You made a video They could definitely have cast bells I'm sure they would Who's racing ahead? Oh, there it is No, we don't want to be the first ones You wouldn't attack on the day you arrived You'd be exhausted You'd want to get your reservations done and have your appetizers You've got like 50,000 men to feed They're tired They're hungry We just rode across These are the Mermidons They're like Urukai Yes I can only work on assumptions because I don't know much about the old triremes but I'm assuming beaching them would be a bad idea because it would be really hard to get them back out into the water Really? You couldn't stay out and see them As you can see there's nothing to them So you never stray far away from the land and you just beach every night and set up a camp I thought that's why they had ports They just don't seem like an effective troop landing You know It wouldn't be optimal to beach if you're assaulting What you would do It's not like a modern day sort of one but you'd normally pull up uncontested That's what I was thinking I was thinking you'd pull up You'd get out and set up a camp It'd be a campaign No, you would land and sprint to the enemy Yeah, you'll have the beach by nightfall What I got to say about these guys they don't have to 10 years Yeah, this was like a decade long war wasn't it Yeah, really long It was over in a fortnight in the film I was going to say what do you mean it's clearly a two hour war judging from the timeline Would you really want to send your most elite troops in with the first wave Well they don't work correctly We're justifying this as the Achilles is fucking desperate for that glory bro Yeah, he was the first blood And his men are loyal to Achilles, not Turk, Memnan Yeah, they're all into the glorytisms too They're like, oof Love me some glory Immortality, shake it Wait a minute That feels like the opposite of what's on that beach Yeah I feel like it's death on the other side Wait, wait, there's all those men with pointy sticks Oh, fire arrows Yeah, fire arrows I'm assuming there's some practicality in that it could set ships on fire No, alright then Oh no, I should have had my shield up It's fire arrows just for the cool factor Is that it It's like that fire is doing a lot after normal arrows kill them Yeah That's why Achilles' life is always feisty as a shielding knows how to use it It's gonna be honest, it feels like those lot would have been mowed down by the archers Yeah, this should have been like the landing scene from Dave and Private Ryan Pretty much All of the Trojan archers get to just fucking annihilate them surely Yeah, there's only one of them It's easy to focus on them a bit Ah, but now they do this Sir, we should have done this earlier That armor did so much It was amazing He's like, I knew we should have put up in the other way We would have been fine So far those sticks have hurt their own sideboard Yeah, then they did one right now That's why I said they should have put them the other way That was my reason Yes, exactly Oh boy Oh my god I will fuck you up You see, he's probably got some kind of like he's activated a kill streak Double kill I am a jack breaker of souls Look upon me and despair Oh my goodness, Ajax Such a tryhard I can see why they cut that Only one person was like I'm sorry, what? That armor is doing a lot of work Stabbed right through the armor with a bronze bloody sword I think we should just call it uniforms I was gonna say, I don't remember the armor working in this film at all I don't think anyone's armor does anything He's hitting them in the chest like again and again the armor is doing Nothing They have a couple of shots where it's clearly Oh, right through the helmet With a bronze sword Right through the bronze helmet He's that fucking strong If you wanna see some grade A bullcrap I remember what he does to that statue with a bronze sword again Holy crap This bronze sword is friggin' Excalibur, man Fucking lightsaber By the way, is this the same dude in 300? Yeah, it is Yeah He will ban that as well It looks like it's wood Yeah Statues like that, they couldn't possibly be solid If there's one thing Achilles wasn't it's a fucking atheist That's the weirdest flex in this film It's like, yeah, the gods aren't real It's like, what? That's nothing to do with the story Achilles knows all about the gods He meets the gods He fights the gods It's like That's a hell of a throw The fact that they all had to stop to appreciate it One me, one me, dude Wow, what a throw Ah, you suck Oh no Oh no, I can't believe this was a trap Who would have thought I couldn't have seen this They were sneaking in there While the entire invasion fleet was also approaching They could overwhelm you at any second The temple was pretty damn close to the main fight He's just swinging and killing people And this lot of cavalry just decided we're going to go into the temple Whenever Hector swings, it just so happens that a Greek appears in front of him to die Why kill you now, Prince of Troy? With no one here to see you fall I always follow you the way that he almost has this chill conversation when it's like, all of your men need you Oh I guess my men lost that fight Hector sees all this and he goes, okay, so it was a tie Perhaps your brother can comfort him I hear he's good at charming other men's wives Oh, shit Fucking man He's like, yeah, I agree, but like, wow Dude, your brother is the one who did all of this Let our hatred of Paris unite us It's going to be so awkward if he lets him go and as he gets to the main army, a bunch of other people kill him because they don't know You're going to want him to call back over his shoulder so the rest of your guys won't kill me either, right? I get memnomers, they'd be like, fuck him up Well, he does get pissed off over now, doesn't he? Lay in the vaccine or whatever Oh, yeah, but that's about just being early, right? Which, by the way, was probably for the best I think he gets upset about letting him go as well I think Oh, maybe, yeah, I was just going to say that coming in this early It was only he lost his men and he managed to take the whole fucking beach so it's like, I guess it worked out Well, I'll argue there He should be saying, yeah, I told him to Yeah, that's right, that was under my command That was my tactical decision Pretty brilliant, aren't I? They're all chanting Achilles and then he's in the crowd going Yeah, Agamemnon, yeah Yeah, those both Maybe in high tide, they would get back out in the water But if they're like fully beached like that that would be the biggest dog to get him back in the water They're not that heavy I don't know about the backshot Look at them, they're not that heavy If you get like 30 people or whatever, you know, and just get everyone to lift it You can lift them If you get 30 people or one Ajax It just showed 30 Pull at it Ajax could probably bench press those ships Oh, good touch Ajax had a bandage where his arrow had hit him Nice Ah, my whore Nice So she was just hanging out in the temple They did say she was We were in retreat, we'll just stay there Is that typical, would they be like No, we can't leave the temple, that's sacrilegious Yeah, she's royalty but doesn't get immediately evacuated Oh, come on sister, you'd still be looking Does the guy with syphilis manage to get to the beach yet? The king of syphilis The king of syphilis No one thought the Trojan beach could be captured so easily It wasn't that hard, honestly Yeah, funnily enough 200 or 300 defenders weren't really a match for like 10,000 of our troops 26, yeah Like a picture of them all laughing Led by the legendary hero Achilles as well I think Agamemnon is a cooler land than Priam Agamemnon is pretty cool We were just waiting right outside the door with her This part always felt weird to me Why would he care so much about this Well, Lisa, you'll never see home again Why? This feels like a Hollywood thing rather than a... Look at his standing there He met her like five seconds ago and she's like an enemy slave He's like willing to like spill blood over her Like what for? What do you mean he said that? Like it's like, whoa He's like, that's my winch Don't touch my winch My winch Before my time is done I will look down on your corpse and smile Achilles, it's one slave girl that we just took What the fuck are you so upset about? You killed like 78 people Yeah, oh Jesus We're gonna take thousands more slaves, dude Is she dying really well? In Helen of Troy or Helen of Sparta You're falling for a woman just over nothing too Just a temple priestess Is that what it is? I was curious if that was in any way precedented because it just seems so absurd because he's like a fucking hope you die my king In the Iliad it wasn't about the woman it was about the fact that Agamemnon disrespected him, right? So he should have literally been like I don't care about this woman, I care about the fact that you insulted me I demand an apology, that's what you should have been doing And we have Hector You almost died by the way today See? Someone else dropping poor old Hector in it He's just minding his own business Every time this shit hits the fan it's all put on him You want to plan a strategy based on bird size Hector show respect No, but he's retarded Show respect to the bird size Hector raises a valid point Imagine it from Hector's point of view he's just sat there going right everyone's gone mad and now they want him to fight a war with some immortal god because a bird's ass I think it's infinitely funnier than you're gonna fight for us, he's like okay when we tell you two based on bird size he's like off for fuck's sake In that case this bird told me to go home I saw a bird today that told me we should surrender Paris to the Spartans It was funny you say that I will challenge Minolaos for the right to Helen It was a bit late for that I can just imagine everyone's gone What really? Okay, go on Hector's just like I can't find fuck He's like once hundreds of our men die oh I'll do the honorable thing this time Did you hear that sound it made when I pulled it out isn't that fucking cool My favorite ones in movies is when they do it with a knife you pull out a knife and it goes shing I like it when they just move it a little bit and then it makes the noise they just move it a little bit shing like it's cutting the air molecules with how edgy it is Oh look at Hector's got a really nice wife too she really loves him Yeah, she's concerned and she's pretty darn good looking for her age Yeah, Hector's a good guy He's got it all together He really is Listen, if there's a villain in this film it's absolutely Paris No one walks away from this going yeah, Paris is great You know my favorite characters Paris, they were just lost He just happens to turn the corner as she's walking down Now she wants to leave This is about power He's got a point like in reality the guy just wants the war Yeah Yeah, it's like they're all excited about a war and you can't just take them out of that away from them You know how those guys get when they're in the mood When they get that war in them how much effort it takes to get those ships off the beach again, they're not gonna do that We have to have Ajax haul the ship Look upon my ship moving skills at despair Oh hey, that looks pretty good Yeah Hang on, why is it sloped like that Why are you assembled outside the walls I don't know Counterproductive to the purpose of walls It's really not like I know they just wanted to watch a fight and they're not actually fighting but seriously it was amazing I'm pretty sure this film makes an effort to say like the Trojan archers are like amazing and it's like so why Saying by the way that it's ceremonial with that in terms of like this is supposed to be a big 1v1 but it turns into a bit of a war and they don't go inside, they stay out Especially in these times you could so easily shoot one of your own men and just be like well Oops Shadow and I know that that's true When there's thousands of other archers going you wouldn't even know where your arrow went It would just be a big cloud of the things That must have happened a lot Accidental hits on friends and stuff like this, this must have happened all the time There's probably a meaningful difference in terms of the arrow design from each team, right? So you'd be able to tell if you pulled it out You'd be like oh this is one of my guys' arrows Oh they're so tiny, that's no problem at all Let's play spot the Asian extra I win I'm sure many of them aren't even real, they're probably CGI Once they get past a certain line It's CGI after that, yeah This is the problem They cheap out 100,000 men Imagine having to fucking organize this When you're in the bronzer They don't They really don't I have to have, we have 70,000 men So let's see, one man eats a ton of food a year How much food would they have had to have brought with them How could you feed this many people consistently without... That was kind of the big problem with sieges isn't it They couldn't be maintained for all that long because you just can't feed any of that size without all the logistics you need to support them You almost hope a lot of them die so you don't have to feed them Well the thing is they did do those logistics to support them but there were sieges that lasted a year Well, correct me if I'm wrong Most sieges weren't real battles in that normal sense It was just controlling all the ground outside a city and just waiting them out basically Not often actually A lot of the time because of the exact provision problem you were talking about essentially attempts would be made to try and get into the castle and so, or into the fornication So it turned into a kind of gross guerrilla war where you'd have sappers trying to undermine the walls and then you'd have groups of men running out to try and attack them and you'd have sallies and sabotages and things like this So the sieges were actually horrible A lot of it would take preparation like sapping under a castle wall That's a lot of digging You cut out after exactly a job to try and sap castle walls and stuff So all these things do take time but they're always trying to do something to undermine one another Why do they never use guns? Look at you experts, none of you can answer it Oh I can, it's because they were shit at war It's the same reason that people in the past were bad because of different moral standards The Romans were shit at war and they were all bad people I mean, look at the complete lack of diversity in these armies Oh, white man It's a single female soldier anywhere to be seen Well Paris Paris Yeah, but that's stretching the definition of soldier Yeah, I like this little bit of stress in terms of Agamemnon's like this is bullshit I'm here to fucking take you all not just for a little fight, but mental hours It's like, no, no, no, I want the fight I won't give her up and neither will you So let us fight our own battle I've always felt you Let us fight our own battle By the way, this is such a moment of just like Paris, please give me the controller You're not good enough for this Like, seriously Who is thinking that Paris is going to win that fight? Like, seriously Paris is the last safe game slot No, I think I should take out the bomb Hey, it's doing the sound drags Yeah, I know, I know it's done you man He's slicing through the air molecules with that sharp, broad sword But what if they bargain if Paris loses Don't they have to like submit then to So let us fight our own battle The winner takes Helen home and let that be the end of it It's a brave offer, but not enough I didn't come here for your pretty wife I came here for Troy Let me kill him When he's lying in the dust, give the signal to attack You'll have your city They're obviously lying, they were going to attack them regardless I think what Paris said was that we end the war if you beat me or something like that He's just like pummeling into submission really He's like, I'm three times the size of this guy Fuck And it works like, you know, he can get away with telegraphing because Paris is so crap and then Paris would telegraph because he had just his crap But I tell you what, his sword would be messed up bashing it against a shield like that It's a bronze sword You learn to fight on a farm Oh my goodness I love that So it's meant to be There's my guy He's literally so much stronger than you Also, no music up until like this little thing here but that was all, no music which helps a lot I think I actually really liked that fight scene That fight scene was done well It conveyed the physicality of each opponent A clumsy, unskilled person versus a big brute who knows he's a big dude who's super strong And he knows how to fight, that's the thing Paris is a total amateur legally experienced Orlando Bloom can play a wimp really well I'm totally buying to that Oh this part though Exactly, it's the worst What you left me for He's so right He's so right Why are you running? Why are you running? My dick is short but it's very thick I just want to remind everybody that while wearing the chat question Mark Helmut See even the dad is upset Come on Paris This is embarrassing Yeah That armor did freaking nothing Also, also, also, where was he going? Why are you wearing it? Where was he going with that strike? That strike looked like it was headed past Hector Both sides of the armor Yeah, right through Narratively this is not what happens Menelaus gets Helen and goes back to Sparta That must have been some furious hate sex Legendary yell The Trojans have assembled their army outside the freaking walls Get in guys, get in Are you retarded? But also now the Trojans deserve it They have a deal They were going to fight to the death Hector broke it What are you doing? It's his dad It's my dad's When you get it later All of these soldiers are like Wow It wasn't Achilles chastising Agamemnon for not fighting the walls But he's on the fucking like He charged with these guys just now I know he's angry because of the brother thing But hey Agamemnon's not that bad They're very enthusiastic about this If they're behind the walls What could have Agamemnon done? You can draw them in And then hit them from behind with the archers I don't know if the film is I don't think they intended to have that But I think Paris always intended to do the 1v1 The range of those arrows wouldn't actually go further past Look at the distance Those, I suppose, will not reach that range 200 paces is like These are Trojans Rule of cool See any war movie needs boss battles Right? Fucking hell That I could imagine is like Okay, you might be like Are you even like how they shot it? Is that in the nuts? I'm sure it's above There you go, it's like in his belly Hector, I'm saying there's a lot of parts on Ajax Where he's not wearing armor It's like they purposely aim for it Taking down Guys, guys, don't help me Imagine the discussions from the men Do you see Hector fucking annihilates? Do you see Paris? You have shields, use them You know that these arrows are not new Okay, I think those shields are as effective as the chest armor Yeah, anyone know how Ajax died in the actual story? No, Ajax lives until the very end of the Trojan War Oh, wow I don't know what to believe Hector and Ajax They fight on That makes sense The only person strong enough to kill Ajax is Ajax That's exactly right I'm 300 years old Man, it must be so lame to have to recall a retreat But you got it when you got it, right? Everyone's cheering, everyone did great It's like, yes guys We're all in this together, aren't we? To who do we have the victory? It's fucking Hector, of course Absolutely None of the rest of them watching on the walls None of them killed Ajax He got two boss kills Yeah, exactly No, the first one was more of a cutscene Yeah, it was a bit of a cutscene It was a cutscene His health bar didn't count during the cutscene He's definitely leveled up after this, for sure Yeah, they chased them so far out these guys Surely the Trojans out of all people should understand the power of archers Look how far they chased them What the fuck dude They know a shield's work Wow I assume it's for the audience but I hate that guy He's like, why aren't we chasing them? We're winning It's like, they're fucking archers I will burn their city to the ground Brother Come off it, you want to do that anyway I think he wanted it for himself Well, he does He wants them to fight for him I assume this is how Agamemnon got the big army anyway by just forcing the others to fight with him That's how the movie started Was that actually with Achilles he was doing that as in the one-on-one fights? Well, yeah, that other guy We beat you In terms of the source Yeah, you have to fight for me Agamemnon looks like he's wearing a kill on his body It does The virgin will submit to me It's a body It does It's a body-kilt Oh no, they're tossing around It's hooked up Who wants to play Throw the Woman? Yeah, I love playing Throw the Woman I almost want to talk about it immediately because it's so weird Oh shit This was basically the purpose of Gamergate, you know There's always that one guy who takes things to the next level It's like You run the women Oh, Simpa's turned up, Jesus You can't just go around branding women They're all tossing around raping at one guy They're all looking at him like, what? What? He's just like, I thought I was in the moment Yeah Thank you Achilles and also I see you've cleaned this place up It's like the only woman that's on the beach though So I just want to say Let's look at it from her position Achilles is looking like a pretty good prospect Even though he's a weird creeper Given her other options If I were her, I would just be like The other guys were going to be really mean to her That's true I just saved you from being branded You can't There's a choice between Brad Pitt and someone branding you with a hot iron Oh Yeah What's the average woman going to do? An often-naked Brad Pitt gets to clean me up in private Did you catch up? He tried to use it twice She kept pushing it back and he just threw it at her face Yeah I'll just understand nothing Well, I pity them Trojan soldiers died trying to protect you Perhaps they deserve more than your pity He's got a good point then She was like backing out soldiers It's like, oh, soldiers died protecting you I'm grateful What has Apollo ever done for you? She was like, you're a great warrior Yeah I mean, not to toot my own horn I guess we could do it I'm kind of a big deal around here Do it Why are you such an idiot? I feel like this is a weird moment I remember this I'm going to kill you to something completely different in a moment I literally saved you from a branding five minutes ago Why are you such a bed? He's that much of a Chad You can hold a knife to my throat I can turn this situation around I've still got a bone It makes it more intense This is what I'm into She can't resist him Even when I first saw her I was just like, wow We changed the vibe Pretty quick He's seen so much violence That's the only thing that gets him up these days Wait, she's supposed to be a non-sex priestess person You're ruining it Surely this must be the will of Apollo It's what he wants, clearly She's probably paid to have sex with people Apollo's in the room like, yeah I would pay to have sex with Brad Pitt Let this happen That went on for a little longer than I think That did, yeah Who chose the extended couple? Fuck my heels I have noticed with the director's cut or whatever this is There's lots of shots where they just hold for a few seconds Not just new scenes or anything Listen, if you were the director of this and you had a naked Brad Pitt in this person on set, I mean like let him go for it Hollywood probably has like just stacks and stacks of B-roll from all the, you know, sex season I've been locked away Harvey Weinstein's vault is just Oh yeah, he decides he wants to leave I always found this really weird too Hector got a double kill recently and now he's like being celebrated Wouldn't that be the one person that he really wants to kill now? His whole purpose for coming here was to find glory and immortality and all he's done is like fight his way up a beach He's like, I got a woman now I can have a family That means a lot considering there's like 6,000 kings of greets Wow, thanks dude That's actually it I could totally say Achilles' Man being like going home, I mean Achilles' girlfriend's really annoying A bit more birds, aw fuck off If he mentions the fucking birds after everything I did We have consulted the bird shit and it tells us we shall win Yeah, but I won because of me No, the birds Yesterday the Greeks underestimated us We should not return the favor That sounds like something that we could do that literally has no downsides to doing Should we do it? Should we do it? This is why we're not going to do it Ew, what did the birds say? I'm gonna count to 10 man I think that's actually the dialogue here He's like, what did the Romans say? This is a bone head move Why would we go outside of our amazing city? It's like wow I love the wee of it as well because Hector's just like, you mean me don't you? You're gonna sit on the walls and I'm gonna go out there Seriously, if the Mimodons knew about this they'd be like, this is so lame dude Really? You're such a fucking beta Rap is just like, oh I wanna brand you Some of they had interrupted the other night When I said I wanted you to mark my face it's not what I meant War is coming in Wouldn't they have had loads of scouts? Wouldn't they have had loads of scouts to warn them about this? Wouldn't the fire go out when the arrows went in the sand? Assuming they'd even be on fire Fire arrows mostly go out when you lose them from the boat This is so unnecessary This makes no sense Also, how would they set on fire this quickly? They set on fire this quickly Yeah, like I don't have stuff that like I have oil But oil is in freaking napalm or something like that No, the Trojans had the secrets of napalm back then They were clearly not covered in oil They're rolling through the stick things when they totally wouldn't When they're rolling through the stick things they're not gonna go beyond them They make this so cataclysmic and it's like, how? How is this happening? How did we get here? You're exploding! How are these things launching through the air as well? How are they going over walls? It's implied that they go over a little mountain and they just go They actually roll down into a valley then up over a hill and then down into the can Cause the scene started with all the Greek scouts looking out, but they didn't do their job Well, that's the big thing for me I feel like you'd see these guys coming from ages away Why wouldn't you have scouts? I can't be aware this is happening by now but apparently he like soaks through all of this The thing that struck me as weird is like Achilles, if he heard this was happening our base is being attacked by an army I feel like he'd be like, oh shit dude That sounds awesome! All those archers that were in the front I was wrong, Achilles does show up I can understand Agamemnon having this insanely large army from all the kings that has coerced to fight for him But where did the Trojans get such a... That army on the Trojans that we saw in the previous scene It was just as big Look, all of the sticks have been burned All of them That just means they're hard now It's all that carbon in there None of them are still on fire, guys, put it out Look at how many men the Trojans have This is a kind of tricky one as well because there's not really much visual difference between the two armies so you really can't tell who's fighting who It's the shape of the shields, you see The Trojans have the square ones and the Greeks have the roundy kind of Well now some of the Trojans have round ones too Oh, okay, okay Then I'm confused Oh, boss fight already Oh, boss fight, boss fight I like this because I feel like both armies would be like guys, guys, come on, come on, come on I could totally see it being the case Achilles and Hector are fighting I'm not going anywhere near Achilles We're the two armies line up If you're the two guys standing next to each other you'd probably be like, please don't stab me while we're watching this The guys in the back are literally doing it Yeah, it's like the Christmas tree Huh, Hector's kicking Achilles ass Achilles is luring him in with a false sense of security Something's wrong with Achilles Oh, the cope Go on, watch your cope now Achilles fans Holy shit, Achilles is just dying Achilles is looking a little thinner than usual Oh my goodness gracious, Achilles has just been killed Dude, that guy was so into it It was weird though that the camera was never in close on Achilles face Oh my goodness gracious Oh my goodness gracious, he was always in a helmet Wait a minute Just a moment here Wait a second It's old man Youngman Oh, he cut the skull off It's not a beautiful death Why does he look guttied? It's like, well, you've still killed an enemy soldier I know, he wanted to kill Achilles That's who he was after I could only imagine his guilt being this way if he knew exactly the context of what he's just done Well, he thought this young lad was Achilles Look at the whole war has just stopped as well Yeah, he is acting like with an I think they saw it because he was too young It was like I think his guilt matches what we know which is like, oh how tragic Achilles' cousin fought in his place because he wanted to fight and he's been encouraged to and he died for it like that's really sad but Hector wouldn't know that Yeah, it's not Hector's fault at all Well that's the thing isn't it like Achilles is mad at Hector now but Hector didn't really do anything wrong Hector didn't do anything wrong What's annoying is he doesn't really shit job of explaining himself later on I can't even remember How the fuck do the two armies like immediately stand still as well What if he had the guys that are 400 meters together being still fighting This fight was like a portion of that battlefield, a very small portion If I was this one death enough to make everyone be like, oh shit lads this has gone too far Imagine you're fighting with some Trojan guy and then some guy yells behind, guys guys you've got to stop and you're like what and everyone's like oh I don't want to do that Also Hector's war crime was committed I was like what one guy died in a battle shocking Apparently Achilles was like don't fight and he didn't even think about anything that was happening to the point where this is all brand new to him I just find it all very contrived When he goes in that tent the whole world just shuts out with like beefing There's like half his army's getting annihilated and he's like nah I'm sure it'll be a fine I don't need to get involved in this one It's so strange because I don't think that we have the information to justify why he doesn't give a fuck anymore His reaction to Patrickleys dies He has shown no affection to Patrickleys Nothing but an annoying little turd the whole time They trained together and he was like you coming along Patricklems I could be wrong But in the Odyssey Were they not lovers Probably not This narrative has been much of a hyped in my opinion You brought him here to kill me Let's go Anakin Come on Anakin Skywalker Jesus It gets sand It gets everywhere That dude was choking on the sand His reaction to me it doesn't sell for me because there's been no true bonding Patrickleys has just been annoying the whole time and getting in Achilles way I also think we need to do more work to justify Achilles going from full on war mode to back to full on war mode made sense of Patrickleys going away from it He got laid and then he was immediately So another piece of evidence that Hector's amazing he's already preparing that they need to find a way out of Troy because he knows what's gonna happen This is the secret path outlet We're gonna lose Why are you telling me this Because like have you listened to these dudes at the pool party they listen to bird guts they're fucking nuts I had one of these people fucking take the bullet Listen to me literally every person in command of our city is insane I'm the only person who's trying to hold it together Birds say we must burn our left shoes and then quack like ducks but the gods demand it Hector's like they're so stupid that if I was dead they'd probably let some kind of fucking like horse filled with people in here or some shit I'm trying to drag the king kicking and screaming into a W That's such a good line for that That's joking the thing man I'm telling you that's brilliant Everyone's basically got me like yeah imagine how upset Achilles is fuck Achilles he's a dick I always interpreted this scene as they're all just like thank fuck he's gonna start fighting again let's all pretend to care about Patrick so he'll start fighting with us I'm not gonna be the one guy there who yawns in front of Achilles' funeral but it is getting on Achilles and we've been fighting all day and I'm just knackered oh see this breaks my heart look he's got his little son there he knows we're all boned he's the only guy making sensible decisions he's the only responsible person he's been doing all the right things he's been winning battles and conquering he keeps killing enemy heroes and yet he's the guy hey if Paris is such a wimp he wouldn't be able to shoot a heavy bow at all alright he's not a good archer and what does Paris do the only thing he does is attack strawman all day he's marvelous very good why does Achilles need armor it's literally just his heel that's vulnerable giant like iron big left boot I was watching this with my dad I was like why don't they just shoot him it's like an honor thing it's like well Hector the script says you've got to go out there it's like wow you guys are dicks up there Jesus Christ you're a little bitch the greek army is not there nobody else is there to witness it so they could just totally gun them down with arrows and then make up any way they want like oh yeah Hector totally kicked his ass one on one yeah they just pull out all the arrows to give his body back first Hector on the wall is like to be fair there's a lot of Hector's in Troy really this is one of the Hectas like dude I will do it you're a legend okay he's like I have terminal cancer anyway I'll go Hector like what he has to do there's like no reason you fucking asshole you better fuck you Paris she was just letting him go like shut up baby's upset by the Hector I wonder what they did on set to make the baby cry yeah it's like freaking with like a pin or something fucking throttle it fucking thought he just flips her ass like fuck off I can't believe she's got the balls to be the last person he sees I know I don't wanna see you I gave the dead boy the honor he deserved gave him the honor of your sword he was trying to kill me also you do that to everyone dude it was a fucking war not a tickling contest what did you expect this is a bit of a like you're being kind of an ass just saying for the extended version I like the music in the original version it's much better this is much more like contemplative actiony yeah the drums really make it weird it's kind of nice to see guys fighting with spears and shields instead of swords it's kind of a bit different wow he sliced that spear with his shield a lot of the moves are bullcrap but they're trying to be creative and so I was like it looks real good this was one of the first things we covered when we first met you Shad it comes full circle wow he would have screwed up the tip of his sword with that poking him with his sword boosted him that far back while having a shield up like that's how strong Achilles is apparently Achilles you're holding your shield doesn't go there it's the worst possible way to hold a shield how did you do that he has a sunburn on his neck he's just trying to protect it he did the power move and he didn't kill Hector Hector why are you holding your shield down hold your shield down oh you got a hit on you wow armor works was he just not close enough that move was really weird because Achilles could have stabbed him the whole time and then who put this rock here guys wasn't your stupid fucking word first you might be like what are the odds but then Achilles says I won't let a stone steal my glory it's like hey cool I like the movement how Brad Pitt is moving with that you know distinct style it works well yeah it's almost robotic but in a good way like it's mechanical practice really isn't it there's just zero fucks given that guy's totally in control of that fight combat machine disarms him right through the armor this kicks me off so much yeah why am I wearing this I probably wasn't even like the most force you could get out of a stab the way he held it there he's got both hands in it and he's got pressed down on the hill his primary hand was like underhanded I don't know Shad would know better than I would feels like he could have had more force if he did it another way but it looked really cool that's the point Miss Hector should be going bitch don't you even touch me I wanna see Mrs Hector throw her off the fucking town fucking town fuck yeah you should all be upset you just lost the MVP he was like the whole reason you guys were here why are you not ordering your archers to open fire now though I think it makes sense to not shoot him in an honor way but if he's stealing the body fuck it that's like that's desecrating the body in front of everyone I would be like yeah fucking light him up shoot him shoot him with arrows shoot this dick with arrows he just feigned yeah so in a way this is kind of Priam's fault for accepting Helen he could probably have stopped this by just rejecting Helen oh yeah this whole situation is just a cavalcade of errors made by people the only person who didn't make any fucking mistakes was Hector yeah honestly I'm saluting you can't say it but godspeed Hector you're the man he did make a mistake in choosing to go out and fight in the last battle he didn't have to he could have just said yeah he didn't have to defend his honor from anything that's the thing it's just that everyone else putting in this ridiculously bad position it seemed like he knew he was going to lose but it was just a matter of like it has to be done if he had to do it to redeem himself in some way like if he had made a mistake that let him here sure but he hadn't done anything wrong honestly I'm with Zorg from fifth element on this one when he was like he killed millions of people that hasn't saved a single one it's fucking true man hmm good point wow it is bright in here it's the moon isn't there a roof it's not an effective way to sharpen a sword I think swords around Achilles would just sharpen themselves of sheer fear this is what we call a risky move what do you want for Christmas young boy I don't swing that way bro how did he get here how did you get in here my own country better than the greeks why are there no scouts well we've established how worthless the greek scouts are it's within continuity that's true I only got one shit son to live for now my only son is paris the son I like is dead you prick I know the other one is worthless yeah now the only living son I have is that asshole paris paris would make like a macaroni art and bring it to him he's just like this is what I mean it's like Achilles won't acknowledge like what did heck to do bro like what what he killed a guy who was trying to kill him what do you want him to do Achilles now the problem of making sensible decisions falls on your shoulders you might even say falls on his heel interesting fact actually Brad Pitt tore his Achilles tendon doing the fight scenes in this movie and he was out of action for like a few weeks oh fuck no that's probably all flat actually sorry about stabbing you bro I think he looks like exactly that kind of person he's the word bro he just looks like a surfer I'm sorry about stabbing you bro that was like totally rude of me you killed my cousin though well your cousin might be pretending to be you bro yeah that is true yeah I never thought of it like that but that fight you guys had it was totally tubular you guys do that accent way too good do the amount of people right now we're probably aware that king fucking pre-am is like right there look at all these gods this is some huge that's the fucking king of the enemies well these are the mermidans though they're loyal to Achilles true but you could think one of them might be like oh if I just stabbed him but if Achilles finds out and they've shown that they're pretty loyal to Achilles I mean it's just like yeah imagine if we took this guy hostage and we negotiated the surrender of Troy you've got to remember that Achilles is an unhinged madman who's just been crying over the body of the guy he killed and called blood I'm just going to over stand silently over here is it beyond the realms of possibility that if I kill king pre-am he kills me you know he probably will so if that guy's a better king is there honor keeping Achilles fighting for Achilles and he could have just switched sides saying I like you better I think after killing Hector in front of the entire army he's probably going to have a tough time switching sides in first pre-am doesn't do much he just makes the final decision the other guys come up with the idea it's really the alternatives we can do paparis in charge of the fuck out there's plenty of wildmans the birds in charge of that stop yelling I'm so glad they're fucking who chose that to be the music to people just assume that's what the Trojans must have sounded like it's just the standard sell-in-the-blank old historical oh you're the one responsible for this do you think it started with gladiator the gladiator music I don't know I'd be curious to know what films started that trend of women random wailing Lisa Gerard the composer for the music for gladiator was no joke my neighbor when I grew up like she lived down the road and she's the composer did you often hear yelling and stuff when you were getting groceries well that's how I need to wake up 8 o'clock a.m every morning maybe like a nice wooden horse that oh it's giving me an idea well if you've been carving like a naked woman or something like this could've played out really differently it's a gift from Aphrodite the right is what to justify how he came up with this idea I think this is for my kid imagine a big one not to be able to imagine because seriously right thanks gonna be honest with you guys if he suggested this I'd be like that's a really dumb plan that's never gonna work oh no summer vacation is totally ruined they see that they've got plague or at least they say it so is the plague fake or real that they give them makeup in terms of videos yeah I'm not sure they're trying to fake having the plague nothing you can really give them makeup hang on there's a couple things first of all is it a lie because they're actually in the horse and if so that means they gave everybody plague makeup and they hope that nobody would check it secondly if it actually is plague shouldn't they stay the fuck away from these bodies yeah I'm not sure the plague was even around at that time like can I have a pre-habit a bunch of the leaders they're all just here it's like damn careful dudes I think we should burn it wow Paris these guys are definitely in the vulnerable category they're like over 70 so they should definitely stay away that's actually had a good idea for once though dude imagine somebody in the horse fired he'd be like oh no but he goes I mean that nay in the story they covered their armor and like cloth and stuff so it wouldn't bang around and make noise no one guy just said let's take a closer look at this horse shall we it takes a little bit for me to believe it I feel like I would have a look see and I don't know if that's because of the fact that I'm aware of the story or because of the fact that I would just have a look around and see what it is it's a cool looking horse all things considered yeah what if they set it on fire as a tribute to Apollo oh fuck this could have gone wrong in so many ways hey is that dog did he like sail over that's a different dog they just left their dog it was making the whole time it's probably poop it's probably jam that was really convincing make up for the time and then this part really annoys me and also like wouldn't you have burned those bodies or something like that they had no one scouting this or like so they didn't seal it up they didn't have any guards watching it it almost feels like they didn't have to try too hard because you all know this story this is how it goes this is just what happens just accept it we didn't stretch it to try and make it believable just fucking go for it wow look at all these palm prongs they must have zed it to go to the toilet now everyone they peed before they got in the horse they had to hold it if they needed someone just was near a bell and they just had an eye on it they were like oh my god invade us because they don't ring the bell for ages we know Troy was a city right is the Trojan horse though just an apocryphal tale that just was added in with all the other embellishments we have no idea yeah because man Trojan horse like that is a classic piece of just a great great idea in terms of like translation of an idea quickly I would guess it's an embellishment for some kind of trick that they used to get in yeah like there was a wooden horse involved in some way probably maybe and so it got turned into like what they're doing this is one of the key things that how many armies overtook both castles and cities is sneaking someone in and opening a door somewhere it happened more often in a lot of battles there's no one awake in that city man I know there's no one to pay an attention they were just predictulously overconfident scouting in both teams is pathetic anyone on the walls watching in their defense they're actually like known historical examples of this kind of thing this is how the Persians took Babylon the Persians were besieging Babylon and the Babylonians like you're not getting in here and then they went and had a festival everyone got drunk and the Persians the Persians basically dammed up the river lowered the length so they could like crawl in under the walls that were built across the river and and that was it they were in and they took the city without a fight that is great but smart to be fair over in the level of the river to get through the walls he went to town they're getting right into the rapids damn some people just really love rapes these are the people you want to take as slaves you kill the soldiers you fucking idiots yeah I mean I'm sure these people are more than ready to just go about their lives under their new king they probably don't give a shit really they'll be like oh no a new king they're going for it oh no oh boy oh I hate babies they keep hanging people oh my god he's a baby he's a bitch oh my god I really cut some serious stuff alright we're going to throw them on three two one go like what did they do to deserve this babies did you throw I threw like four did you find any babies there are historical accounts of when a city falls that this gets gutted and everyone inside is slaughtered but it didn't happen every time but it certainly happens sometimes oh gosh it's more in your interest to capture the place intact because you know it's going to support your army you want to get the city to the ground he did mention he wants this place burnin if something is better like in good condition throw every baby you see oh yeah there he is I promise you brother his brother's looking I guess up from the underworld and he's like yeah but like the baby throwing he just woke up he's like oh oh fuck oh hello Parrish hello Helen having a good day are we glad you guys are up this feels weird to me the whole goal is to save the priestess girl that's why he's here anyone you kill at this point is basically like the other guys throwing the babies like the person who could have held a candle to you was Hector and you've already killed him I don't know I'm very English he's got an English accent I'm from Troy I don't know I find it so bizarre he's desperately searching for her like really? I wonder if Parrish and Achilles will cross paths what are you the prince of now you little shit was she worth it yeah you picked a great time to become a hero Parrish he's so hateable alright here I need you to take the sword and go find Carthage and do better than I did alright Chris you just handed the sword of Troy to this guy oh that makes it better as long as one Troy the big person has a sword no that doesn't make it better yeah you held a sword Parrish and what fucking good did that do are they just trying to push the door open I'm not sure alright they had us in the first half team oh look he took one shot he's already let the fucking leg in it put one leg in the last mode now isn't he wait that's so these are the first yeah that was the first guy he ever killed like he's pushing the arrow into the air as he did before Parrish save yourself he's like you bet no argument here that's all I needed no freaking armor again they consistently bloody hell out again is this armor making easier for the sword to go through probably just makes you more uncomfortable and slower fuck him up Priam do it nope nope everyone else knew it was him so they just left him for him finish him I wanted you to watch your city burn he did spare the innocence nobody's innocent nobody those babies they were throwing nobody's innocent I've already had several babies thrown it's like yeah about that have an image to uphold okay it'd be no point in doing that oh I thought you'd be here at your favorite statue ow no I fetch the brand sorry sir I have a pocket brand right here it's a travel brand take it wherever you go Achilles save the girl you think those guards would notice I think they look in a way because they find them so creepy I don't want to have to watch this there's one thing I didn't approve of bro it's branding women that's why I threw the line I'm okay with throwing babies the guards still haven't done anything they don't give a fuck they're like yeah Agamemnon was a dick get the brand now we get the brander jeez that was fucking right wait aren't you on our side what the fuck I'm so confused that guy on the beach was right you are a very confusing leader oh like bro see you're not dead yet it was just the heal that's not a fatal wound this is a career ending injury see I'm a fucking useless why not why not if Paris can shoot through the armor it is absolutely useless get closer Paris knows his strengths okay maybe if I stay far away and do cheap shots I can have a positive KD don't if he doesn't Achilles is gonna gut him like a fucking fish this guy killed my brother fuck you yes it was my fault are you sure that's not a bow of healing I wouldn't say it was the heal that killed him in that exchange oh yeah the bow is healing they have a little like voice over at the end it wasn't he's a heal it was actually the bloodloth it was the master of internal damage that was the three arrows into his chest cavity it'd be so funny if Paris went right up to it just executed with an arrow straight to the face it was still shooting at him and he's just carrying on the conversation I'm sure he's dead once you get to the fifth arrow it's just like a window dressing at that point don't let them rent you I'm quite invested in this payoff here with these two they had the best onscreen romance ever yeah I'm not really invested in their relationship it was like Stockholm syndrome this scene you have to think about the walk where this is like oh you guys have a thing he killed Hector and they're just both like shut up Paris no one has any room to talk here less than you do this is what I mean this whole scene is just awkward those two hate him and think he's pathetic he hates Brad Pitt she loves Brad Pitt Hector died it's all over the place fucking mess yeah like I think by the end of this you'd be like oh I'm so confused it's just an emotional spider web Paris you're a dick that was not his heal that brought him down would not have been the famous Achilles heel I don't know how you could make it so oh it's cause the arrow is still there people rock up it's like oh what killed him hey what is the arrow in his heel yeah there's like the guy doing the old top he's like oh there's like a whole bunch of other no no it was just there was this arrow in the heel that's what killed him we should go get that guy who killed Achilles where'd he go and if anyone's with them we're gonna brand him so all the soldiers completely confused now because all kings and all generals died on both sides it's like well what now my democracy I guess the guy with syphilis is like finally my time my time you're asking I've been waiting the whole movie for this stop the babies growing everyone died but Sean Bean like quite a bit they're acting all sad and it's like guys you know you're the ones who did that to the city don't no they're sad about Achilles they don't care about the babies and stuff fucking hate babies there's a little arm still like alright because some people survived I'm glad Helen and Paris got to be together I'm so glad even least worthy people even in fucking death Paris is the beneficiary of his brother's good decisions yeah fucking hell Paris is just so hateable in this film boo what hector bag hector's wife is not gonna be friendly to anyone I'm gonna do a video tomorrow why hector did nothing wrong who the fuck is claiming he did anything wrong I'll kill him hector is just Greek Boromir can we just have a how it should have ended Sean Bean is confused like I'm still alive I'm gonna do now he'll like trip over and fall into the fire or something like oh shit I almost made it he wasn't the only one the other's Ajax was cool he killed Cavill I need to baby throw count he'll return in Avengers Odyssey inspired loosely by just allegedly inspired by baby I've read the Iliad and there is significantly less branding in it well where does the Iliad stand on baby throwing though pro actually we did it that was a long film yeah that was three hours and six minutes in terms of like the extended cut like I really don't think it added much it just felt like scenes were stretched out more rather than new stuff being added yeah there was just a little bit of time more rear ends more Brad Pitt eating nuts they butchered the music in the best fight scene in the film and there was more baby killing theatrical is probably better which is rare this one was man this one was a lot more violent with that you know a whole sorcery with city baby killer is a lot stuff like that did happen I'm not saying that actor just throw this like it's a baby wait what like if it was a baby how you throw it some other actor I've been trading this for years you're really good at throwing babies how did she get so good I mean they really had it down like it was like an expected thing like ah you got a baby well you have to find the nearest fire and just throw it what do you do when you find a baby it's weird I just remember there being less rape in the original version yeah the goal of the rape the baby throwing in the branding not as much in the theatrical vision not as much clearly the best parts the movie I think that fight between Achilles and Hector is fucking brilliant though gotta give it its credit it's aged well in my opinion I'm a little annoyed that the music changed still yeah I tell you what though like oh this has so much armor stabbing out of eddy yeah the armor was a huge one is there a time in this film that armor protects someone from something I guess when Hector slices that was that was he wasn't close enough that was just like a just call yeah that wasn't even yeah kind of it was like he pinned the blade between his shield and his chest armor yeah but then when he crosses this the thing right that's when he's not quite close enough to slash him and yeah yeah yeah the armor just peered like it's made of tissue you just yeah you just have to believe in this universe that all of the armor is actually just t-shirts they're not actual armor they're just uniforms so you know that your guys are your guys and they're not like those guys you know you know who's who to re-cut some of the fight scenes so that like when people get stabbed it's like kind of under the arm or something like in a gap in the armor or something like that but it's like it makes a real point of showing like blades just going straight through chest armor right in the middle and you see the blades poking at the other end and you think that's what would give Achilles his edge is that he's like able to move around weaknesses in armor like that's why he's so good and stuff like that Troy it was fun it was fun there was a lot fun actually it was it was more fun than Ghostbusters I'll tell you that much how I agree who could you cheer for in Ghostbusters Ghostbusters 2016 I should say well that was fun that was a lot of fun enjoyed watching Troy what do you reckon it was a mix there was some good stuff in there there was a lot of funky stuff a lot of weird stuff very mixed a lot of characters make some dumb decisions but there are dumb people in the world and so you couldn't see actual people being that stupid at times so I think it's alright I think you've got the challenge of trying to adapt some fantastical story like the Iliad and sort of keep to the events of that but weave it into a fairly grounded movie that's meant to be kind of believable you know it's always going to be a challenge and like that's kind of what they struggle with in this movie adapting the Trojan horse I'd be like this will be tough it's just that fundamentally unsatisfying knowledge that Paris is still alive at the end the character which absolutely should have died I'm so glad Helen and Paris got to be together in the true relationship pricks I think the best shit is the characterization of Achilles most of the time it's just chilling in the tent half the film I don't remember being as frustrated with his interest in stupid priestess girl he's really obsessed I don't know if they really earned that yeah he took a fancy to it he didn't reap it all of a sudden now they're in a relationship it's like that really old fashion fairy tale concept of people who just fall in love at first sight they've just been putting the room together with each other and they're madly in love straight away it was like total stock what is it stock home syndrome she's like are you saying you've never had that where you sit down you're on the bus or something you sit down next to a woman and she looks at you in fear and they say oh you didn't rate me like no of course not we're marrying tomorrow I know you're one of the good ones she hands you a brand and you're like ah Jesus I know what to do do you brand I'm a virgin they call me brand pit oh oh I know when you hit 18 it's like they give you your brand you're not a man until your brand did your first winch give you a lighter on you to find a better fire source like burning babies and stuff so I'd give this like a 700 out of 1000 ships right because I'm not even joking because like I actually have to say despite all of the nitpicks and like what a stupid decision I really enjoyed watching the film it was fun to watch it was a really fun experience and I was actually quite invested in the characters so in a war I really like Hector, I think he's awesome Hector is awesome I liked watching the other characters fail I liked watching Orlando Bloom getting punched in the face that was sess right running away crawling away on his belly yeah okay yeah I'm down with this film like broadly functional I'd say yeah there were loads of there were loads of things that I would change in retrospect and stuff I wasn't bored or anything like that and I was totally invested in the fight between Hector and Achilles genuinely was quite a legendary fight I think I love the way that Achilles is not hiring through the thing but Hector and he's fighting really well as well but then he gets like sweaty and you can with the original music it was so much more intense and you get to the end of it and you're just like oh no I know this is going to happen but because Hector fought so well you're like come on man you can do it he was always the underdog going into it but the fact that Achilles just seems to be this machine that he doesn't tire, he doesn't get hurt he's just able to keep going and he never seems afraid he's just in complete command of the fight this is Paris his baby bitch brother shoots him down that's great in a way that's even like really he's not only killed by an archer he's killed by fucking Paris imagine Poach is about killing Achilles I just go how did you do it shot him see I quite enjoyed the sword fight that Paris got into because it kind of felt like the most believable out of all the fights where he's just getting hammered by this guy who's way bigger than him and you can imagine the fear of like you know this guy's like buckling your shield that you're holding and he's like knocking out of your hand you're like 23 years old or something and this dude's in his 40s and he's been a warrior his entire life and he is hammering it it felt great as well you know it felt like you're really closed in you know I love the bit at the end where literally everyone's like Paris get up you're embarrassing everyone I just love that so much literally everyone stop you're making a trailer in front of Troy stop it's just like Paris this is cringe get up what does she see in you exactly what does she see is this what you left me for I might even up it 800 ships because 100 ships I know it's 100 extra ships but it was better than most sort of films like the fact that the the battles weren't boring it's surprising because normally like watching CGI think of the I had to watch Battle of the Five Armies the other day because I get my son to watch Battle of the Rings exactly right oh fuck me I'm so not interested in watching CGI battles that who gives a shit I don't care I don't care and so the fact that they turned them into like boss fights in the middle of the fight I was invested in it was actually that was cool you know watching Hector fight Ajax was awesome they do just enough of the CGI to give you a real sense of the scale of the armies but they don't overdo it and so that like you say they know when to bring it in close for like the fights between main characters yeah I think the scale throughout is captured really well and Troy feels a really strong huge city yeah and the CGI holds up well I mean this movie is what 15 years old something like that and it still looks great and really photo it yeah it looks pretty good the the sets are particularly impressive especially inside of Troy Greek camps alright but yeah the Troy bits the temples and stuff pretty good Chad hated it more than just oh yeah I feel about the fight scenes I think generally the combat actually didn't really like it was mostly just idiots getting hit with arrows and just falling over and just random if I slash then there's going to be a blurry guy in the foreground who just dies and like oh that's like I know it's happening but they would have to raise their shields yeah it was okay the bulls of fire are a little funny I mean the fireballs yeah glad I watched it though alrighty everybody say goodbye to the people at home goodbye everybody drinkers got the best side off you get away now all I have is all I have is farewell mel do yours fuck off would you bring me