 Have you ever had a man say one thing and do another? Have you ever had a man say he wanted a relationship and then shortly after the two you connected, he says, I'm not ready for a relationship? Well, I wanna dive into this conversation because this happens so frequently. And I think many women believe that men are just telling them what they want to hear so they can get in bed with you. And while that might be true, there might also be some other reasons why this happens. So I'm gonna share from my personal experience for a moment and shortly after my divorce or excuse me, when I separated with my now ex-wife, I thought I wanted a relationship. I mean, I kept, you know, I was out in the dating marketplace. Online dating was just relatively brand new. And I thought, well, gee, I was in this unhappy marriage and I'd like to be, you know, with somebody. I could just simply go online, plug in exactly what I want and someone to magically appear and sure enough, someone did magically appear. I remember my first internet date was with a woman. Her name was Tish, I still remember. We're still friends on Facebook. Not that that really means anything. We don't interact with one another. But I had this really nice date with her. She's a really nice person, but something wasn't right. And then a few days later, I remember going out on another date and that someone online went on a date, really nice person, nice date, something wasn't right. And this happened again and again and again and again. Quite frankly, in the course of a year, I had over a hundred internet dates. I actually think I became a serial data. Now, why I'm sharing this with you in every case, I kept saying I wanted a relationship. And yet as soon as I hit my edge, and usually it was by the second or third date with a person, I would, you know, kind of run away. Until I met a woman about nine months later where we actually did enter into a relationship. I said I wanted a relationship. She was divorced for four years. I was newly separated. And I said I wanted a relationship. And then sure enough, three months into it, I hit my edge and said, I'm not ready for a relationship. So I shared with you, I went on over a hundred internet dates in about a year. I had a short-lived relationship with someone that lasted about three months. And yet I wasn't ready for a relationship. Why is this? Well, I realized after a year, the common denominator in all this was me. I was the problem. I didn't recognize it at that time because I wanted companionship. I wanted connection. I wanted sex. But yet the idea of commitment was incredibly confusing to me because when I was growing up and those of us who are baby boomers or Gen Xers might have this shared experience. When I was growing up by my parents, I was told to go to college, go to college, go to college. Get a job, get a job, get a job. Meet a girl, meet a girl, meet a girl. Get married, buy a house, start a family. That was my programming. So by the time I got divorced, my programming was like debunked. In fact, everything I thought about relationships at that point was wrong. And so in midlife, I found myself in my 40s going, I don't know what commitment means. I don't know what a relationship means. I know the word relationship, but I didn't know what it actually meant. And so what happens for a lot of women is that they think of the word relationship like here. And I'm just whatever that looks like for you. And to a man, or this could be the other way around, to a woman, but so the man is here, you're here, or the woman is here and he's here. And that space, the word relationship might mean two different things to each person. What does that really mean to be in a relationship? By the way, people are in casual relationships all the time. People are in friends with benefits relationships all the time. People are in what's known as situations. These are all forms of relationships. We have relationships with people we work with. We have relationships with our children. We have relationships with our siblings and our parents. These are all forms of relationships. So in the romantic context of a relationship, what does that really mean? And more importantly, what does that actually look like for two people? What is your engaging in? Back in my 20s and 30s when I was dating my now ex-wife, we were getting to know each other. Shortly once we had physical intimacy with one another, we were in a relationship with one another. And back then the goal was marriage. That was the goal too. Is this person, is this, but in my mindset was this wife material to me. In my 40s, I didn't know what that meant. And it wasn't like I was looking for a wife because I didn't know what a wife was at that time. I'm saying this, I was incredibly naive. And back when I said I had a hundred internet dates, really a hundred meet and greets with a few that went to a second or third, a lot of meet and greets. I wasn't being disingenuous. And I thought I wanted a relationship because I wanted companionship. I wanted connection. I wanted sex, but a commitment was elusive. And this happens for many men. So when a man says he wants a relationship, is he telling you what you want to hear? Or does he actually believe he wants companionship, connection and sex? And yet at the same time, he doesn't know what commitment looks like for him at this age. This is the most, this is the conundrum those of us in midlife face. What does it look like? Especially for those that are maybe still raising children. Maybe they've got challenges at work. Maybe they've got health issues. Maybe there's stuff going on in their life where the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. So the idea of commitment can be kind of scary. In addition, men have traditionally been taught to be the provider protectors. And in midlife, this can be incredibly challenging. If there's alimony, child support, visitation rights. And for those of us a little more mature who are empty nesters, the idea of what does commitment really look like? So, okay, why is this important to know? If you're actively dating, if you're actively engaging with the idea where you want a life partner, you have a long-term mating strategy. Most men have a short-term mating strategy. It's all based on physical attractiveness. And even when I read women's profile that says chemistry is the most important thing. Yeah, chemistry is important. Physical attraction that physical desire for someone is incredibly important. At the same time, compatibility is as equally important if not more important. What is compatibility? Shared values, lifestyles that can blend with one another and more importantly, emotional maturity. And the challenge for those of us in midlife is many of us are wounded. You know, you've heard the term midlife crisis. I call midlife crisis where someone's blueprint of what they thought their reality was supposed to look like or excuse me, the blueprint of what they thought their life was supposed to look like collides with their reality, boom, a collision of two worlds. What I mean to say is by the time I had 40, I thought I was gonna be a partner at the firm I was with. I thought I was going to be happily married with children, it's gonna look ideal, idyllic. Norman Rockwell kind of painting kind of thing. I lost my quarter million dollar a year job. I got divorced, I began having depression. And this is just, and then I was having pressure of how to navigate my life. So the blueprint of what I thought my life was like collided with my reality and this unraveling of the tapestry of one's emotions can be incredibly scary for men and women alike going through a divorce. Roughly 75% of singles over 45 years old are divorced out in the dating marketplace. Why is that so critically important to know or understand is because the emotional effects of divorce and dating triggers the number one health issue most of us are facing is I'm not good enough, I'm not likable, I'm not lovable. This is why I wrote my book, what the heck is self love anyway? You could go to the links below that I have. I wrote my book and I created my private coaching program not only as a form to heal oneself but also recognize that true compatibility requires being intentional in the dating marketplace. It requires being intentional on so many levels. And so is he telling you what you wanna hear? Well, a man might want a relationship, he just doesn't know what that means. So you lead by example by sharing what does a relationship look like for you? What does commitment look like for you? Many of you know my narrative. I was very transparent early on. In fact, in my dating profile, I said clearly I want to either move in together or get married, that was like my first sentence. Why did, how did I get to that point because of so many, as I connected the dots in the past, I recognized that my strategy of using chemistry as my indicator for relationship success was a weak strategy. Because back then I didn't know myself in the early stages of the divorce. And then I needed a significant relationship after my divorce, a significant relationship to really learn what this commitment looked like. So by the time I reached this level of knowing I wanted commitment or I wanted marriage or either living with someone, a relationship had to look like this for us to get there. It had to look like we were spending two, three, four days and nights a week together, doing shared activities and hobbies and mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills both in our personal, our professional life, alignment in our financial life with one another, and more importantly, intimacy which was both emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. That's what a relationship, that's the portal to get to commitment. But that took almost a decade and a half after my divorce to really recognize that's what it was. And I think most men want some sort of relationship. They want that companionship. They want that connection. They want sex. But the reality is when it comes to commitment, they're winging it, they're winging it. Or they're just, they're clueless to what it is. This is why I say ladies, you can sit back in your feminine energy and wait to be claimed by a guy or you can take the initiative and be in charge of your relationship destiny. And more importantly, lead by example, what does commitment look like for you instead of, and then first, okay, this is critically important. Before you share your standard, ask him what his standard is. Because a lot of men tell you what you want to hear by they just say, they echo your standard. No, you get clarity on their standard. Now, most guys are gonna be dear in the headlights when they express their standard. They're gonna say, well, I just want to take it slow and get to know someone. Folks, when he's taking it slow, okay, then you better make sure that sex is part of taking it slow. Because in a man's, okay, let me tell you what taking it slow means for most guys. I want to have sex with you, but I will take a incredibly long time to commit to you, okay? Now, listen, I've written this out for all of you. Men, women are the gatekeepers of the sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Taking it slow means I want to take a really, really, really long time to commit to you. And yet at the same time, I'm willing to have sex with you. So you should practice my dating vows, okay? And by the way, you can get a copy of this at jonathanaslay.com forward slash dating vows, the OWS. And the dating vows, I'll just do this really quickly. It's an agreement between two people to say the following. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months, okay? I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. I agree not to actively seek to meet and date others while we're in this dating process, include taking down my dating profiles, if that's how you met. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling away ghosting or disappearing. I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities, obvious mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills, okay? Now, 90% of guys will bail on this because before they're just gonna tell you what you wanna hear is I want a relationship, but until you define what that looks like and the minute you do, guess what? The guy who's not ready will bail on it. The guy who's not that into you will bail on it. The guy who's just a player, well, you might agree to it. Okay, this is the tricky part, you might agree to it, but trust me, if he's leading with sex, he's a player, okay? All right, so, now, I told you why guys do this. I shared with you what you should do about this. The reality is this, human mating strategy today is a very weak strategy based on chemistry and not enough shared values or not enough conversations about compatibility, which is really having deeper conversations about shared values, how can your lifestyles blend and more importantly, how to vet for emotional maturity again. This is what I teach him, my private coaching. Okay, with that said, what do you do going forward? Start by asking him what a relationship means to him and what it looks like for him. You then find out your standard of what it looks like, you share it and you see, if you're not compatible, have a conversation. And if he just agrees to what you say, make sure you take it slow by not getting too physically intimate until you see his actions genuinely match his words. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. Please like this, please share this. Please subscribe or join my group. All right, I hope you found value in this. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please post a comment below. If you do find value in this, please tell your friends about midlife love mastery, send them to my website, jonathanasley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm gonna sign up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barak of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow. Give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye.