 The Jack Benny Program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. First of all, it's all American. Light up a Lucky Strike, friends, and enjoy the smoother, milder smoking that only Lucky's fine tobacco can give you. From first puff to last, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky. For you see, LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. That's why, at market after market, the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that guarantees more real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. Puff after puff with never a rough puff. And remember that the tobacco experts, men born and bred in the business, choose Lucky's for their own personal smoking enjoyment. Yes, a recent survey shows more of these experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen, smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. So take a tip from the experts and smoke that smoke of fine tobacco. Lucky Strike, every puff of the way, you'll get more real deep down smoking enjoyment with never a rough puff. Yes, you'll enjoy a smoother, milder, truly finer cigarette. Lucky Strike, starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, in a few hours, Jack Benny and his entire troop leave for New York to start off the campaign for the National Heart Fund. So now let's go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. Well, Rochester, it won't be long before we're all packed and on our way to New York. Yeah, that lovely suburb of Harlem. Hey, Rochester, did you cancel the newspaper and leave a note for the milkman? I haven't had time, boss. I've been answering the phone all morning. The phone? Uh-huh. Lula Parsons, George Fisher, Sheila Grimm, Heta Harper, they all call. You know, Rochester, when you're a big star like I am, you can't make a move without the columnist knowing about it. I don't know, boss. They sure were surprised when I told them you were leaving for New York. Surprise? Why? They didn't know you were back from Europe. Well, that I can't understand at all. Rochester, if those columnists didn't know I was back from Europe, why did they call the house? To verify a rumor. What rumor? They heard you were switching to CBS. What? But yesterday, Erskine Johnson scooped them all. He did? Yeah, he found out you were the walking man. Look, at Rochester, that was three years ago. Well, you know how it is, boss, when you're a big star, you can't make a move without everybody knowing about it. I guess so. Well, Rochester, sir, have you got all my things packed? Uh-huh. You know, boss, it's great to be a radio star. You get to travel a lot and see so many different places. Well, I do get around a lot. But nobody travels as much as Bob Hope. He's the only man I know keeps the change of underwear and his wallet. He has to unzip and then unbutton to get to a dollar bill. Not only that. Boss, you haven't got time for a routine. That's right. Now, Rochester, don't forget a right or no to the milk man telling him we'll be gone for a couple of weeks. Yes, sir. By the way, the man from the pet shop called about the parrot. He said the lowest he can keep her for is 75 cents a day. Shall I take Polly over to him? No, no, I already took Polly to another place. She'll be well fed and cared for. Good, good. Now, put this in the desk and be sure it doesn't get lost when we get home. We'll need it to get Polly back. Boss, a pawn ticket. She'll be fed and well cared for. That's the law. And Rochester, put this $2 in the same envelope with the pawn ticket. $2, is that all the pawn broke and gave me for Polly? I would have got more if she kept her mouth shut. Stupid parrot. Now, Rochester, write that note to the, I'll get it. Hello? Hiya, Jackson. You all set to bounce down to the station to make with that choo-choo to the big town. This is Phil. Oh, I'm so glad you told me. You know, when I picked up the phone and a boy said hiya, Jackson, are you all set to bounce down to the station and make with the choo-choo to the big town? I was sure it was Anthony Eden. Phil, are you packed? Yes, sir. I'm taking three trunks, four handbags, and five releases, and they're all full. How come you're taking so many clothes? Clothes, holy smoke. I knew I forgot something. Oh, for heaven's sake, Phil, you're the only guy I know whose luggage has labels inside and out. Why take all that liquor to New York? They're short of water. Gotta have something to bathe in. Well, Phil, if you're going to bathe in it, I wish you take champagne. I can't think of anything more exciting than Phil Harris sitting in a bathtub surrounded by millions of dancing bubbles. What an idea for a calendar. Yeah. Well, Phil, I haven't got much time. What'd you call for? I want to ask you, Jackson. Is it all right if I take Sammy my drummer along? Sammy, your drummer? Well, what do you want to take him to New York for? Well, he's been corresponding with a girl there, and he'd like to get married. Oh, oh, childhood sweethearts? No, no, they met through a lonely hearts club. He sent her a picture of Clark Gable. She sent him a picture of Lady Ashley, and it was love at first sight. Gee, that's sweet. But, Phil, when they meet each other, won't they be disappointed? What do you mean? Well, I don't know what the girl looks like, but Sammy, your drummer, certainly doesn't look like Clark Gable. Oh, I don't know, Jackson. Paint a little hair on his head, put a mustache on him, and you can't tell the difference. You mean between him and Gable? No, between him and the girl. If Sammy wants to go to New York to get married, you can take him with you. Bless you, Cupid. All right. Now, when you get on the train, you see that all of your... Wait a minute, Jackson, wait a minute. Hey, you can't you hear the buzzer go out to the door? Now, what were you saying, Jackson? Phil, who were you talking to? Alice. Now, what were you talking about? Wait a minute. Huh? Phil. Phil, does Alice let you talk to her like that? Jackson, as long as I talk to her, she's happy. Well done, Jackson. Goodbye, beautiful. Blair is the biggest ham I've ever known in my life. If he was half as good as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as good as he is. Now, Rochester, what kind of a joke was that, I just said? Say it. I've got one lousy joke, and that's no good. Now, Rochester, we better start with what? Say, boss, while you're on the phone, Mr. Wilson and Sportsman Quad, dead came in. Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Hi, boy. Say, Don, are you all packing ready to go? I sure am. Well, it won't be long before we... Don. Don, what have you got under your coat? Oh, it's nothing, Jack. But, Don, I see little bulge around your waist. Now, open your coat. Well, all right. Well, what do you know? A trunk. Remember their ad? Oshkosh luggage, curved to fit your stomach. Don, how come you stopped by here? If you've got any spare time, you should be working on a commercial for New York. Well, that's why we dropped in, Jack. We've got a terrific idea for a commercial. For New York? Yeah, get this. Take it, boys. N is for the neon lights on Broadway. E is for the elevated train. And how they roar. W is for water. They ain't got it. Y is for the why. It doesn't rain. It doesn't rain. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute, fellas. Hold it. Who wrote that? Nick Kenny? For having to say, Don, that isn't what I had in mind at all. After all, we're going to New York. It's like a hustling, bustling city. Let's have something fast and peppy. Well, what would you suggest, Jack? There are so many things to sing about in New York, Broadway, Times Square, 42nd Street. 42nd Street? Well, we've got one on that. OK, boys. Take it. Feet of dance and feet. It's a song we love the melody of 42nd Street. Come with us, our friends will agree. On the avenue, we're taking you to 42nd Street. They smoke luckies, good old luckies. We mean luckies stride. Pat and Joe and Nat and Moe say that's the one they like. Sure enough, there's no Rapunzel feet on 42nd Street. Oh, luckies, good old luckies. Ellie, we say more, luckies, pay more. Yes, luckies pay millions of dollars more than official parity prices to get light, right, tobacco for your cigarette. That's exactly what I want. Now, that'll be just fine. All right, Jack. See you on the train. Come on, fellas. Don, you dropped your trunk. Oh, yes. Gee, it is curved. Well, so long, Jack. So long, Don. Now, Rochester, send for a cab. I'm going to pick Miss Livingston up on the way to the station. I know Phil is packed, and Don is, but Dennis, always have to worry about that kid. I wonder if he's finished packing yet. Please, in a minute. Oh, just think. My son is preparing to go to New York in a short time, he'll be 3,000 miles away from me. I don't want him to know how I feel. I better wipe this smile off of my face. Mantlepiece. I'm practicing how to sleep in an upper berth. Upper berth? Well, Mother, if it's good enough for Mr. Benny, it's good enough for me. Mr. Benny sleeps in an upper berth? The same one. The last time I shared one with him, I couldn't get any sleep at all. All night long, it was talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Mr. Benny? No, it was parrot. No wonder you were annoyed with all that talk. In Kansas City, I woke up with an egg in my hair. Mr. Benny in a parrot in an upper berth? Oh, it was worse when he had his polar bear. Not paying you, you could quit that gray-headed old snook. Mother, I'd never quit, Mr. Benny. He made me what I am today. Dennis, let me ask you something. What are you today? I'm a very popular tenor. That's what I am. Well, if you're so popular, why are they making Phil Regan minister to Ireland? Because his mother came from there. Yeah, and I'll rehearse it tonight on the train when I'm in the upper berth. How can you rehearse in an upper berth? The orchestra's in the lower. Now, so sing it. OK, Mom. Oh, sweet. Oh, Dennis, are you all packed and ready to leave? Yes, Mr. Benny. Good, I'll see you on the train. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, Mr. Benny. What? If you bring the parrot, cut her nails, they scratch. I'm not bringing the parrot. Then cut yours. Well, goodbye. Rochester. Boss, the cab is waiting out front. Oh, well then, Rochester, you take care of the luggage. I'm going to take the cab and pick up Miss Livingston. They're almost at the station, and no time at all will be New York bound. Yeah. Say, Jack, I'm going to live at the Sherry Netherlands. Where are you going to stay in New York? The usual place, the Acme Plaza Hotel. Oh, Jack, not that awful joint. Oh, it isn't so bad, Mary, now that they've put in a heating system. I know some heating system. You step into the lobby, and the clerk hits you in the face with a hot towel. Mary, that towel comes from the Waldorf Astoria, and that's class. Sister. Say, Mary, when we get to New York, are you going over to visit your folks? Oh, I sure am. As a matter of fact, I received a letter from them this morning. Your mother and father? Well, what do the Ichabod and Mr. Toad of Plainfield have to say? I've got the letter right here in my purse. You've got a cold, too. Here it is. Go ahead and read it. OK. My darling daughter, Mary, I would like to make this letter a lot more personal, but your father is leaning over my shoulder. I would tell him to go away, but this is a cold night, and it feels good when he breathes down the back of my neck. Why does he try a hot towel in the Waldorf Astoria? Too bad I didn't think about writing this letter New Year's Eve. On that night, your father's breath could have kept me warm and given me a Tony at the same time. You sound a little like Andy Devine. I just want to show George I'm working good tonight. Mary dear, isn't it a shame that you're coming east and the same day your uncle Lou has to leave on a trip? If your trains pass and you wave at him and two hands wave back, one belongs to the deputy sheriff. Oh, in again, huh? This time your uncle Lou was innocent. Oh, sure. It seems that last Tuesday at midnight he broke into the first national bank. He's innocent. As he stood there in front of the vault with a blowtorch in one hand and a bottle of nitroglycerin in the other, two policemen grabbed him. They wouldn't believe he was making a deposit. It's a tough break for the kid. When they brought him to court, your uncle pleaded his own case and was acquitted of the charges. However, they gave him 10 years because during the trial, he had his car parked in front of a fire hydrant. He'd have gone on a bicycle. He'd be a free man today. But Mary, I want you to know that when your uncle arrives in Alcatraz, he won't be an ordinary prisoner. They've given him an unlisted number. So much for Uncle Louie. So much for Jack's top reading over my shoulder. Oh, I thought I saw something about your sister Babe. Oh, yes, here it is. I'll read it to you. Mary, here's the most exciting news of all. Your sister Babe is going to get married to some drummer named Sammy. I don't know how Babe met him, but she insists on me calling her Lady Ashley. Well, I'll be darned. Is that all, Mary? Yes. Well, we'll be at the station pretty soon. Jack, how much does it on a month? What is it, Mary? None on a month. You're going to ask me something. What is it? Well, how much does it cost to ride in a taxi from Beverly Hills to the Union Station? Now, isn't that funny? I was curious too, so I checked with the company and it cost $1.85. $1.85? Yes, they even itemized it for me. See, in order to operate a cab over that distance, they figured this way, gas, $0.32, oil, $0.06, wear and tear on tires, $0.09, general repairs, $0.12, insurance, $0.29, leaving a total of $0.97, which goes to the man behind the wheel. I wondered why you were driving. Hey, Cabby, how do you like the way I? Isn't that cute, Mary? He's fast asleep on the back seat. Cabby, wake up. We'll soon be at the Union Station. Well, Mary, here we are at the main entrance. First thing I'll do is check my bag and then I'll. Jack, what'd you stop for? Mary, as much as I like to travel, I just hate to walk into this station. Everybody who works in there drives me crazy. That train announcer, the man behind the magazine counter, the ticket agent, everybody. Well, Jack, nobody else seems to have any trouble. It could be your fault. How can it be my fault? I never do anything but ask some straight questions. Let's go in and get it over with. All right. Well, go on, Jack. Go validate the tickets. OK, OK. Don't push me. Well, here's the ticket window. Oh, mister, mister. May I help you, sir? Now, wait a minute. All I said. I said, may I help you, sir? Yes. Yes. Yeah, I'd like to have you validate my ticket. Why, certainly. There you are, sir, and may you have a very pleasant trip. Thank you, thank you. By the way, where is the other fellow who used to validate the tickets here? Oh, Mr. Nelson, he isn't here anymore. You see, Mary's not here anymore, so it wasn't my fault at all. I guess not, Jack. Attention please, the super chief for Albuquerque, Kansas City, Chicago, and New York, now loading on track seven. Hey, that train announcer wasn't silly at all, was he? Something wrong, sir? No, no, no, I was just thinking that train announcer, he's new, isn't he? Yes, he is. The other fellow isn't here anymore. Well, good, good. You know, Mary, this is the first time I've ever enjoyed going through this Union Station. Attention please, the super chief now departing. All aboard. We'd better hurry, Jack. That's our train. Right behind you, Mary. We're on our way to New York. Rochester's on the train. And I hope the whole game... Hiya, Jackson. Oh, hello, Phil. Hello, Mary. Well, we're all on. And Jackson, I want to thank you for letting me take Sammy along. He's on the train, too. Good, good. You know, Jack, this is the first time we've ever started on a trip with you being so happy. Well, why shouldn't I be? For once, I got on the train without running into a lot of crazy people. I got a nice compartment here, too. Hey, look, we're pulling into Pasadena. That's right, kid. We stop here for 10 minutes. Hey, Jackson, how about a game of gym? Okay, Phil, get out the cards. Jack, while we're stopping here, I'm gonna step off and get a magazine. Mary, you stay here. I'll get one for you. Phil, deal the cards. I'll be back in a minute. Yeah, dee-dee-da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. Oh, gee, they got a nice station here in Pasadena. See, where's the entrance? Oh, here it is. Let me see. Where's the magazine counter? Oh, there it is, over there. Yeah, dee-dee-da-dum, da-dee-da-dum, da-dee-da-dum. Oh, mister. Mister. Yes! You want a magazine, or don't you? Well, certainly. That's why I got... I'm leaving on now the magnolia tree. Come down and tell me which magazine you are. I'll take this one right here, coronet. Put on your glasses, that's a phone book. If a man answers, hang up. Being so crazy, I'll report you. Crazy? Me? If you're not, why have you got that flower stuck in your ear? Oh, is that still there? What? I was afloat in the Rose Parade. I'll stand you at all. Do you enjoy aggravating me? I can see my train leaves in five minutes. Good, I couldn't stand you any longer. Oh, nuts! What I better do too? Hey, Jackson! Didn't have so much trouble here. I'd have been there so... Hey, Bud, come here a minute. Look, I'm in a hurry. Where are you going? New York. What train are you taking? The Super Cheat. Uh-uh. Take the El Capitan. But I got my tickets on the Super Cheat. The El Capitan will beat it into Kansas City by three lengths. The... The El Capitan? Get a load of that position. It's on the rail. What? And look at the breeding. It's by Santa Fe on a Los Angeles. Hey, maybe I... Jack, you better... I'm sorry, Mr. Bud. I'm not taking the El Capitan. I'm gonna stay on the Super Cheat. Well, okay, if you wanna take a chance on a sleeper. So he is. Are you all packed? Uh-uh. Well, then let's hurry and get to the airport. Who will he be surprised when we greet him in New York? Sixth and... Old American. LSMFT. LSMFT. Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Rape light tobacco that guarantees there's never a rough puff in a Lucky. For you see at market after market, the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select them by light mellow leaf that gives you a smoother, milder, altogether finer cigarette every puff of the way. No doubt about it, friends. Lucky's give you more, more smoothness and mildness, more real deep down smoking enjoyment. So light up a lucky and enjoy the mellow taste of truly fine tobacco. From first puff to last, there's never a rough puff in a lucky. Good reason to make your next carton lucky strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Ladies and gentlemen, next week our program will originate in New York City where we open the American Heart Association campaign. Good night all. Be sure to hear Dennis Day in the day of the life of Dennis Day.