 Ahoy, ahoy, and welcome to Harsh Critique, where I look at articles sent in by various fans of the channel who want me to, let's just say, critique their articles. Necessary preface, because people will think that being a dick is acceptable behavior in a general sense. This is mostly for entertainment value and also to help out the person whose article needs critiquing. You should not give critique like this. This is me allowing myself to be incredibly frustrated, just thinking about past episodes. Letting myself be incredibly frustrated by the obvious dumb errors that people have. Don't act like this unless there's a very narrow area where this kind of behavior is acceptable and it's when someone literally knows exactly what you're going to do, such as they've seen episodes of Harsh Critique before, and they ask for more. Today's draft was sent in by M.Raw Ken. Oh boy, I'm going to admit the special containment procedures are not so bad for this. Item number SCPXXX, Object Class Euclid Special Containment Procedures, SCPXXX, is beheld in an average humanoid containment cell with a noose hung from the ceiling in the center of the room for the comfort of the entity, a standard humanoid containment cell, not average, I'm imagining. I don't know why there's a noose in the center of the room, but okay, I assume that's explained later. In the event of an Allagata event, MTF teams are just securing SCPXXX's containment cell and monitoring the entity until the incident has subsided. The occurrence of Allagata events has shown no pattern and no means of preventing or terminating incidents in progress have been found. We're going to stop for just one second here. Now, oftentimes, and I do this too, hell, I do it a lot in spoken speech, spoken speech. That's the thing. But this is one sentence, supposedly one thought. The occurrence of Allagata events has shown no pattern, that's one complete thought, and no means of preventing or terminating incidents in progress has been found. Technically that's at best two sentences. You could probably make it into three sentences and still be okay. But regardless, it definitely needed to be split down the center at least. SCPXXX itself has shown no interest in leaving Foundation custody, but the nature of its effects, maybe that seems weird, nature of its effects, mean it cannot leave its containment cell. That's a little bit of, up to this point, even pretty good with your clinical tone, but that's a lapse right there, but the nature of its effects mean it cannot leave its containment cell. I think you'd be saying something like, but its anomalous nature prevented from doing so. Yeah, that'd be easy. Anyway, SCPXXX is a humanoid entity approximately 160 centimeters tall, at 41 kilograms, lacking ahead, appearing to have it severed due to its neck having exposed flesh and bone. And the manifestation of one of its anomalous effects from this point. Let's be clear here, that was one sentence. SCPXXX is turning into a habit, we'll see if it happens again. SCPXXXX is a humanoid entity approximately 160 centimeters tall, and 41 kilograms, lacking ahead, appearing to have it severed due to its neck having exposed flesh and bone. Why that's one sentence? I'll never know, but also flesh and bone. Okay, so if you haven't described why you're using air quotes, I'm using air quotes, but it's actually actual quotation marks. I assume that this means that the flesh and bone are not actually flesh and bone, but that means you need to describe what it is. You don't need to say flesh and bone, and then, oh god, just say what it is. When the surface layer of the entity is removed, it projects flames out from it. This is most noticeable from the fact that it has a large, inextinguishable flame projecting from its neck. So you haven't really described its physical characteristics properly yet. That's a start. These flames do not radiate heat, they do radiate very little light. These flames do not radiate heat, and radiate very little light. And no, okay, it's comma. These flames do not radiate heat, radiate very little light, and manifests small puffs of smoke periodically with approximately four, oh my god. Stop this fucking idiocy. These folks are just referred to as manifestations. Do the lack of any burning of material, oh my god, shut up. Okay, so, obviously, you've learned almost nothing about what this thing actually is. Because we have quotation marks around flesh and bone, we know it's not actual flesh and bone. For the way you're describing it, oh my god, you're just so wrapped up in its anomalousness that you don't even think about the basic description of what it is lacking ahead, appearing to have it severed due to its neck. And that's repeated information. And the manifestation of one of its anomalous effects from this point. I think what you're saying is that its neck, its open neck, is manifesting an anomalous effect. But you don't need to say that. Also, when the surface layer of the entity is removed, what is the surface layer made of? Obviously, it's not actual skin, because you put quotation marks around flesh, and you say when the surface layer of the entity is removed, so surface layer means it's definitely not skin, it projects flames out from it, out from, it projects flames out from it. God damn it to fuck. I'm just going to move on. This whole thing is fucked. Testing of SCP-XXX's tissue have shown all of it to be made of candle wax. And finally, and bones to be made out of cotton and other similar substances, similar substances to cotton, namesome, despite these materials being relatively usually weak compared to human function. Usually weak. You're telegraphing what you're trying to say, despite these materials being relatively usually weak, and that means this is unusual, fucking motherfuckers. Despite the lack of any eyes, ears, mouth, or, despite the lack of any eyes, ears, mouth, nose, or a working nervous system, SCP-XXX has shown to have all five senses, and speaks with no apparent issue despite its lack of a head or vocal cords. I read slightly ahead, and I am disappointed. The entity has a relaxed and cheery attitude, and a tendency towards calling Foundation staff bro, dude, and my guy, regardless of gender. Often trying to talk about his ideas for fantasy stories, characters, or its desire to be used in experiments, requests for use, or participation in experiments have all been denied. So now I get into the root of the problem. You have created a character with some anomalies, and you are using it as a stand-in for you. Right to your own experiences, definitely. Try to create characters that speak to you as a person, but goddamn, don't just copy yourself into an article and don't make it so fucking obvious on your first article. This is somebody's first article, and they're just like, I'm gonna put my fail-fin. SCP-XXX causes Allagata Incidents seemingly unwillingly. This incident occurs when the flames currently being projected from SCP-XXX grow greatly, and the entity itself falls unconscious. The entity itself, as opposed to the entity else-wise? The flames will then act as an interdimensional portal to the writer of Allagata. Flames will then act as an interdimensional portal to the city of Allagata. This is highly dangerous, this incredibly powerful reality benders have been shown to exit from these portals, all of which have worn various masquerades, and similarly does masquerades, and similarly design masks. These reality benders often have vaguely humanoid forms, and seem to manifest their abilities in consistent ways. These tend to manifest as sentient nooses, headless attackers, and thorned whips, and the sudden appearance of masks on all those present for the incident, including SCP-XXXX, often manifesting on its chest. SCP-XXXX was found to be wandering around the Tower of London, interviews with SCP-XXXX have had it claimed to have been planned to be expelled from the city of Allagata, and became unconscious. Wow, that's a sentence. Oh, I'm sorry, it wasn't finished. That was a common other period, later awakening outside of SCP-2264-A. Strangely, despite Foundation agents being present during the time frame, SCP-XXXX, claimed to have first been conscious in our dimension, he wasn't discovered until approximately four days later by base standards within the Tower. One of the agents guarding SCP-2264-A heard the commotion and took the entity into custody. Commotion, that's a great and clinical word, then applying Class A amnestics to those present at time of recovery. Interview log SCP-XXXX-6, interview where Dr. J. Woodall, interviewee SCP-XXX-S, we have a few questions to ask you. Yeah, sure, I was thinking as much, forgot to capitalize, I. Well, to begin, why were you banished? Yep, that's the sentence. Well, to begin, do you why you were banished from Allagata? You've mentioned this in previous interviews, but you've never given us the reason. How should I know? Just walking around the city, then some funky dudes come up to me. Tell me that it's decided I gotta be expelled. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor in front of some big in-metal door that I can't open. So I go looking around and after ages I find these guys without masks on, super weird where I'm from. I try asking, hey, where am I? But these girls just keep screaming and screaming, I don't know why. Then yes, yes, we know all that. Did you let him go on for like a paragraph? If you already know all that, all you had to do was say no. SCP, you forgot to hit enter. SCPXXXX. Damn bro, chill. Let's just get on with this. Geez. But you never mind. Next is what you did when you lived in Allagata. But man, that feels like an awkward phrasing in my head, but maybe I'm just getting so used to this guy's writing that I'm like fucking up in my head. Just what I thought everybody else was doing. Strolling around and chatting it up with some rather classy gals. Nothing else. I mean, those ambassador fellas came and grabbed me once in a while. But after they got a hold of me, I guess I have feel asleep. Feel asleep. Because I don't remember anything except waking up in the middle of the streets all cut up and junk. I guess maybe I had a job with them. They came and got me pretty often. Damn it, stop trying to write your own self into an article. Fucking just stop it. Stop it. I'm just disappointed is what I am. So, alright. First of all, break your sentences down. I think a good tool for you would probably be the Hemingway editor. It's a online tool you can use to help detect at the very least your overly complex sentences. I actually use it a little bit myself from time to time. It's not an absolute. You don't have to simplify everything down. But it does help you at least find them easily in the work. It's better than just looking and reading and reading again. Second of all, stop using quotation marks for shit. Flesh. Bone. Tissue. Bro. Dude. My guy. I don't need to know that this guy... Give me an interview, okay? And the guy has a weird manner of speaking. I think that actually can work. Especially considering the content you're talking about here. I don't think this article could work in most iterations. But considering we're talking about Alagada, the first thing people jump to when they think of Alagada is not a surfer dude voice. So there's that... You got that going for you, but you telegraph it. You don't have to talk about it. The entity has a relaxed and cheery attitude and a tendency towards calling foundation staff, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the other half of that sentence, in which again, your sentence is overly complex, often trying to talk about its ideas for fantasy stories, characters, or its desire to be used in experiments, which screams that you're writing yourself or you're putting way, way, way too much of your own self into this character. Putting some of yourself into a character is fine. Putting all of yourself into a character is a terrible idea. Mainly because you're going to run into people like me who's going to rip it apart. You need to get early on to describing what this guy looks like and what he is made of and all that other stuff. You can't just... There's too much... There's too much dancing around the reality of what it is. So yeah, simplify your sentences. Be careful about your clinical tone. And if you have problems with understanding clinical tone, read more fucking modern articles. That's all you got to do. And obviously, I'm looking at this, you've read modern articles. You're doing a pretty good job of making this more like a series five than a series one. Which is good because the people who are voting right now are used to the series five style. There's also a ton of needless information here. What does him being made of what cotton and candle wax do for your story? What do you achieve with that? What does it give you? And also, how do they know he's made of candle wax and cotton unless they take stuff from him? At which point, does that material stay as strong as it is or does it revert to normal candle wax and cotton? Simplify, my dude. Simplify. Take your story and try and reduce the word count considerably. Take your sentences and try and simplify them down to their bare bones. Make them into two or three sentences instead of one long sentence with a comma, then another comma, then another comma, and then another comma. You got some promise here. I don't know if this article is going to work for you, but it's not the worst thing in the world. Also, I remember saying this earlier and I just saw the word noose. Why is there a noose hanging from the ceiling in the center of the room for the comfort of the entity? You don't explain why that comforts the entity at no point. Anyway, that's it. I think I'm... Could have been worse, I guess. Could have been worse. I don't know what screen already has and pledge at any level. It's nice to know that I'm not alone out here because, goddamn, sometimes I need that. But I'll see you again on Tuesday.