 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. And now the Halls of Ivy. We love the Halls of Ivy that surround us here today. And we forget though we be. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. Five people didn't go to bed at all last night here at Ivy. Grogan, the campus policeman who was making his rounds. Two sophomores and a freshman who were investigating certain mathematical phenomena, such as the odds against drawing to an inside straight. And Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, the president of Ivy, who's been working at his desk in the study of his home since shortly after dinner yesterday. The chapel bell is striking eight as his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell, of the London stage enters and says, Good morning, Dr. Hall. Good morning. And congratulations. You've just set a new record for going without sleep. Any statement for the press champ? Yes, I'm glad to bring the cup back to Ivy where it belongs. And I'm looking forward with great confidence to the international match in Brussels next spring. Forward, darling. How do you feel? Surprisingly well if the ability to cope with whimsy on an empty stomach is at all indicative. Do I look awful? Interesting rather. Well, so seldom sees a sharp trellis complexion. Bad as that, eh? Well, it's worth it. One seldom sees an annual report as superb as the one I've just finished writing. Here, have a look. Let's see. The state of the college. Or in the vernacular out of the red and over the hump with Hall. You sound enormously set up about it. I've reason to be. I had no idea how much I'd accomplished last year until I put it all down in black and white. The endowment fund is up. The building fund is up. Enrollments are up. What are you doing up? Well, you've been working very much longer this morning. I'm ready for bed. Well, good. Penny, I'll be right in with your overcoat and hat. My overcoat and hat? Vicki, we've been married long enough for me to make a confession. I never go to bed wearing an overcoat and hat. I'm one of those odd fellows who slips between the sheets wearing only pajamas. I know I should have revealed this before, but... Oh, stop. I told Penny to bring in our hats and coats because I'm taking you for a walk. A short walk for relaxation, a light breakfast, and then a good long sleep. Excuse me. Then you'll be, mum. Yes, Penny. I brought you things. Good morning, sir. Good morning, Penny. I'll take those. Thank you. You're looking well this morning, Penny. Thank you very kindly, sir. And you're looking... It's a very nice morning for a walk. You don't say. Yes, sir. It snowed last night. The first real snow we've had this year, and it's ever so lovely. Makes one want to go out and throw snowballs at top hats. Feel free to do so whenever the spirit moves, you Penny. I'm ready, Victoria. Penny, you didn't by any chance notice a snowman on our front lawn, did you? Should I have, sir? Well, after the first really good snowfall of the year, the students have the custom of building a snowman in front of the home of each faculty member. Instead of that, haven't you? No, sir. And the more affection they have for you, the larger the snowman they build. There ain't one on our lawn. Allow me, sir. Why, I daresay the snow fell too late for them to have taken advantage of it last night. Which way should we walk, Toddy? Long faculty row? Yes, that'll do. Nicely. Be back in half an hour, Penny. That's custom the students have. It's almost cruel, in a way. Oh, not in the least. I admit it must seem so to those members of the faculty for whom very small snowmen are built, but they survive. Professor Heaslip, for example, has survived years of snowmen not much larger than a drosophila fruit fly. Professor Heaslip is lucky the students built any token of affection on his lawn. If anything, his personality suggests excavation. And the report I've just finished makes it more certain than ever he won't get my job. He's carefully cultivated friendship with the chairman of the board notwithstanding. It's really a smashing report, Vicki. I raised almost a million dollars in endowments, built... Built what? What from? Look, there's a snowman in front of Professor Quincannon's house. Oh. The snow came early enough after all. Well, perhaps it wasn't the students, Toddy. Professor Quincannon has two children. They may have built it. Children build snowmen, too, you know. Of course, that must be it. I mean, after all, there's no reason to suppose the students would build one for Quincannon and overlook me, is there? I mean, there's no reason to suppose they're antagonistic to me. I mean, I don't see why they should be. Do you? No, of course they're not. You were telling me about your smashing report. Toddy, come on. Oh, yes, yes, my report. Well, I suppose I shouldn't have said it's a smashing report. It's not really smashing, but... But it's a darn good one. I believe I may say without immodesty that I'm good at my job. After all, a college president must have ability and... Keyness of vision? Well, all college presidents have keen vision. A few, in fact, can even see themselves in the White House in 1952. You know, I knew a man once who... I'm listening or what? What were you staring at? A snowman in Professor Howard's front yard. Oh, yes. Oh, I suppose Professor Howard's children must have built one, too. Professor Howard is a bachelor. Oh, of course, I'd forgotten. Well, then Professor Quincannon's children must have come over from next door. I remember when I was a child I used to build snowmen all over the place. Couldn't get enough of them. Fairly cover the landscaping and build one in front of my house and one next door and then one further down the street. Yes, they could have come over from next door, couldn't they? Quincannon's children, I mean. Well, of course they could. They could have jumped over the hedge or... even come around that way through the gates. It's not much more than 30 paces. And you know, they're very active youngsters, positively hyperthyroid. Oh, they are. Oh, one probably said to the other, let's build one now on old Howard's lawn. Yes, exactly. As a matter of fact, I seem to remember having heard children shouting something like that earlier this morning. Um, you were telling me about your report. Hmm? Your report. I want to hear more about how darn good it is. Oh, I suppose I shouldn't have said it's a darn good report. It's not really. It's a fair report. A little more. Vicki, darling, you spend much more time with the students than I do, really. What, with your coaching the junior followers and all? You haven't heard any... any grumbling about my administration, have you? None, Toddy, none. Ah. It wasn't a very tall hedge, you know. Quincannon's children could have jumped over the hedge. Oh, crash through. They're very sturdy. What's the most natural thing in the world? Yes, Toddy, um, let's turn down this street. I'm, well, a tired of faculty row. Same old hedges, same old houses. This street seems very charming. Really? You find that row of garbage-pales charming? Oh, well, I suppose not. Oh, dear. There's a snowman in front of Professor Warren's house, too. The young Quincannon's have had quite a busy morning. Good morning, Doctor. Ah, good morning, Dr. Warren. Morning, Mrs. Hall, out for a stroll. Yes, we're out for a stroll. There's nothing like it on a morning like this for getting rid of the doldrums, don't you? Occasionally. We were just admiring the snowman in your front yard. It has a great deal of character. Ah, it's a pip, isn't it? I know it's not supposed to be good form for a faculty member to pay any attention to this sort of thing, but when you're 70, as I am, hypocrisy is too much of a strain. I just look at that gleaming monster and glow, Doctor. Glow. Well, I don't blame you. The custom, in some cases, can be cruel, don't you think? I mean the ones that don't get built. Nope. It's not the custom that's cruel. It's the crushing impact of truth. Some people can't stand up under it at all. You take a present of Ivy we had in 1900. That's four-year time. Bessemer with his name. One year every member of the staff had a snowman except Bessemer. Old Popgut Bessemer. He resigned a few weeks later. For reasons of health, of course. Well, that seems very impulsive of him. A little drastic. Well, Ivy's a small school and always has been. Personalities play a much bigger part than they do at some of these giant diploma factories. You wouldn't care to continue as president if you knew that students had much rather tie a can to your tail, would you, Doctor? Well, that's an interesting way to put it, but no, I suppose not. No, of course not. You look at it this way, Mrs. Hall. Teaching hardly ever pays off in money. The average prof makes only about 2,500 a year, and it hardly ever pays off in glory. I, myself, can name ten baseball players or burlesque queens, bless them, or every teacher you can bring to mind. Well, then, what makes an old party like me the last of the tobacco chewing professors or a man like your husband stay with it? Pride in the job, I suppose. Pride in the job. That and the feeling that maybe we're helping the young savages become not scholars, but men and women, and that they appreciate it. Take that away and watch left. Absolute zero. Here I am lecturing the president. Tell you, when you arrive at my age and succeed in conning people to regard you as a lovable old gaffer, you get away with murder. Care to come in for coffee? No, no, no. Thank you. We have breakfast waiting at home. That's the wisest decision you've made today. In all the world, no one concocts as nauseating a cup of coffee as I do. I see soon the hope, ma'am. Goodbye. Goodbye, Dr. Warren. He's a pip, isn't he? My snowman. The very word for it, he's a pip. Careful, don't slip on that snow. By the way, Vicki, did I... Did I tell you I received a letter from Quesnell University this week? I don't believe you did, Toddy. Why? Well, that they haven't heard of the renewal of my contract as president here at Ivy and they've made me a very flattering offer. Um, treasurer of the university. At almost the same salary I have here. Toddy. Further, and perhaps of more importance, it's a purely administrative job. I wouldn't come into contact with students at all. Not... not ever. Toddy. They requested the courtesy of a reply this week. It's really a most flattering offer. I rather think I'll accept. Yes, yes, I think it would be best. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. We'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman in just a moment as soon as we hear how a young actor got his first taste of fame. Offhand, one would say there's scarcely a rhyme and hardly a reason for associating Shakespeare with Schlitz beer. But perhaps I better start at the beginning of my story. Our little theater group was putting on Romeo and Juliet and I... I was this year's Romeo. Being, um, handicapped by two left feet and an instinctive dread of high places, I... I don't mind telling you that climbing that balcony gave me a good deal of trouble in spite of the considerable extra practice on my part. After our dress rehearsal, I still wasn't satisfied with my agility, so I decided to make a few practice climbs before calling it a night. As I reached the balcony the second time, I happened to glance down. And there below me, I saw the rest of the cast gathered around drinking beer. The labels on the bottles told me it was Schlitz and the expressions on the faces of my fellow players told me I was missing something. I knew Schlitz by reputation, but not by taste. So I climbed down from the balcony to find out what I was missing. If you could have seen me standing there in full Shakespearean costume tasting Schlitz for the first time, you might have expected me to say something like upon my soul, what beer is this that lies so pleasantly upon the tongue? But no, I just stood there speechless, grinning from ear to ear. The director sensing my plight said, it seems that words can fail even an actor at a time like this, let me say it for you. No wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. That's around us here today. Returning to the halls of Ivy, we find a dispirited Doctor Hall strolling in the snow along Faculty Row with Mrs. Hall. You're a very quiet Victoria. I know. I'm concentrating. Trying to think of the right thing to say. You don't have to say anything, my dear. The silent eloquence of the students has left very little unsaid. Toddy, I know how you must feel. In a small way, I've been through it a number of times in the theatre, playing for laughter and applause and getting the rustle of programs and a few coughs. You can say to yourself, chin up and good show and carry on all that. And over at all, you can hear the lorries backing up to the stage door to haul the scenery away. This time they're going to haul the actor away from the scenery. And after I'd convinced myself that I'd given such a sterling performance, a smashing report indeed. Would it help if I tried a recital of Kipling's ifs? It kills them in the provinces. It's likely to prove lethal here, too. But thank you, my dear, anyway. As organiser and sole member of the William Tot Hunter Hall fan club, you've done some noble work. Oh, Toddy, you don't have to try and laugh it off for me. Get it out of your system, darling. Blow up. Curse the board of governors when they're promised that I wouldn't have to spend my time wangling emoluments. Curse my folly in believing them to the devil with all fat heads who get me away from their students. Bah! Oh, that was lovely. No wonder they feel no affection for me. I'm so seldom with them. Not that to know me is to... to love me, you understand? I thought I know you very well and I'm mad about you. How difficult it is to... Oh, thank you, my dear. How difficult it is to maintain contact with the student body. One college president, I know, scheduled a speech to the senior class for the sole purpose of proving that he actually did exist. Oh. And that... that's what's wrong with my report. Toddy, I'm sure it's a superb report. No, on the contrary. I have no reference beyond a few statistics to the most important part of any school, the students. And what they think about the state of Ivy. I should have found time to teach more courses. Look at Hutchins at Chicago and Conant at Harvard. The students at what mega college, not campus buildings and installations. Diogenes, Discost from a tub. And his students listened. And it was a school. Toddy, look, talking of tubs. I see Professor Heaslip. To this hedge. He's just leaving his front door. Is there a snowman on his lawn? Yes, a very small one. Which he has just made larger with two handfuls of snow. Uh-oh, he's had us and stepped back. Well, hello there. Good morning, Skipper. Good morning, Fair Lady. Good morning. Good morning, Heaslip. That's a nice snowman you have there. Yes, it's a very nice little one. Oh. You should have seen it before the sun came up and you could have seen it. Amazing how quickly it went. This is the warmest part of faculty row, you know. Oh, really? I found the whole area very cold. Oh, that's a mistake, Skipper. That snowman was inches lower. I mean higher a few minutes ago. It melted down considerably. Also, the boys and girls happened to have chosen a slight dip in the ground, in which to build it. Actually much taller than it looks. Optical illusion, you know. I'm happy the students like me as much as they do. Of course. I've often asked myself why. Naturally, I don't caught their affection. I'm very strict, but a fair Pentagon, if I say so myself. Perhaps it's the occasional humor with which I sprinkle my lectures. For example? Oh, well, for why? Well, well, yesterday, I was discussing nature references in the poetry of the more eminent Victorians, one of whom referred to a dogwood tree in some lyric or other. I asked my students if they knew how to distinguish a dogwood tree, and when they said they didn't, I told them. By its bark. Well, I must be getting to class. Good morning, Skipper. Good morning, his lip. Good morning, fair lady. Good morning. The warmest part of faculty row, indeed. And yet, for the sake of that little snowman, I think I'd almost be willing to change places with his lip. Hmm, it'd be a little bit rough on me. What are the boys and girls, as he calls them, see in the man? Well, it's true he has no enemies, but that's more than balanced for the fact that none of his friends like him. Well, let's turn back, Toddy. Well, this is probably one of the last times we'll ever stroll along here, Victoria. It's an attractive little street, isn't it? Yes. I've lived here a long time. I loved it here. You see that house across the way? I had a furnished room there when I was an instructor. On the top floor. Kitchen and privileges. Female visitors permitted only as far as the front parlor. Please turn out the light before leaving the room. Liberty hall, wasn't it? Then when I was appointed assistant professor, I moved over to this side of the street. Sitting room, bedroom and bath. Hot plate permitted. No wild parties. Oh, what exactly was a wild party at Ivy in those days? If I remember correctly, more than two people laughing at the same time. But then I allowed my appointment to a full professorship to go to my head, and I rented that Charles Adams mansion over there. Oh, it wasn't a Charles Adams mansion. It was a wonderful old place to live. Yes, it was, wasn't it? I mean, after I brought you there, it was fairly empty when I occupied it all by myself. It echoed. Empty and unsatisfying, and nothing I did with it. New furniture, new drapes, fresh paint seemed to propitiate the fat little gods of the half. Until you offered them me as a human sacrifice, eh? You might very well have been mistaken for a human sacrifice as I handed you down from the taxi that first morning. You were scared to death. Yeah, I was. I'd never had a home of my own before, just hotel rooms and flats and theater dressing rooms. Here we are, driver. And this is for you. This is our home, Victoria. Oh, William, it's exactly the way I imagined it. All covered with vines and so very peaceful and quiet. And all names on the letterbox. I sent a letter from England asking that it can be done. Professor W. Hall and Mrs. Victoria Cromwell Hall. Oh, thank you, Toddy, for being such a dear love. Yes, nearly always. And empty. I don't see any students. One of them has just seen you. You seem to have arrived in more ways than one. Come on, let's go inside. Oh, please take my hand. I'm suddenly appalled at how little I know about taking care of a household. Hang on tight, darling. I have shortcomings too. Promise you'll overlook mine until I've learnt my way around. I promise. It'll be a mutual understanding. Now, what did I do with the key? Can't you find it? Well, I could swear I had it in my hand. I thought I... Oh, I do have it in my hand. Oh, oh, you're as nervous as I am, really, aren't you? I'm so glad. I keep on forgetting you're new at this, too. There. No, no, no. Wait, wait. What? There's a little ceremony involved here, a very nice one. I'll carry you across the thresholds, like this. Oh, Toddy, look. A snowman. A snowman? What's a snowman doing in our hallway? Don't you see it? The students must have come while we weren't walking. But they've no right to build one inside the house, and where did they get the snow in May? Oh, Toddy, it's a snowman, and it isn't May, it's February. Yes, I know, but... From wherever you were, dear, come back. You have a snowman. Yes, but I mean... What? And he's the most enormous snowman you've ever seen. Right over there. Oh, oh! Now, Frontier, Vicki, I... This is our house, isn't it? Yes, of course it is. Oh, Toddy, you're always losing yourself in your thoughts. Not completely, my darling, because you're always with me. But I... I don't understand this... this snowman. Look, it needs to be a note attached to it. Yes, it's addressed to you. Here. What does it say? Well, one moment. To President Hall. The delay in construction is entirely your fault. If you must work nights, please do so in one of the back rooms and avoid those overlooking the front of the house. In that way, the traditional anonymity of the... They misspelled anonymity. The traditional anonymity of the builders will be preserved. Affectionately, classes are fifty to fifty-three inclusive. Well, now... Of course, it was probably a good bit larger when they first put it up. This is the warmest part of faculty row, you know. Yeah, I know. Could you stand a bit of breakfast and some sleep now? Breakfast, by all means, but no sleep as yet. Remember, I have the report to get out. Another report? The same one, but better. Far better and a great deal more inclusive. Directly after breakfast, I shall want to see the presidents of every class in my study. Yes, and the officers of all student organizations, too. All at once in your little study? We'll get them in, my dear. We'll get them in. Look at that snowman. It's good packing today. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And now, here again, there's Mr. Ronald Coleman. The campaign to fight heart disease, this country's leading cause of death, is now underway. Diseases of the heart and blood vessels take an annual toll of more than 600,000 men, women and children. A staggering number indeed. This dreaded menace accounts for one death out of every three. A greater toll of lives than the next five causes of death combined. This year, give generously in support of this wonderful cause. Send your contributions to heart care of your local post office. Open your heart. Give to fight heart disease. Thank you. Good night. Good night, everyone. Next week at this time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Alan Reed, Gloria Gordon and Arthur Q. Bryan. Tonight's script was written by Walter Brown Newman and Don Quinn. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn and directed by Matt Wolf. From the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company and the Halls of Ivy, our heartiest congratulations to station WTIC in Hartford, Connecticut on this their 25th anniversary. Ken Carpenter speaking. Next here, we the people over most of the same NBC station.