 For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris-Alice Fay show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Fay and Phil Harris. The Harris's are a typical married couple. Through the years, they've had their arguments and differences, but never once have they had a serious fist fight. However, for the past three weeks, their relations have been a bit strained, and right now, things seem to be at the breaking point. Phil, I can't stand any more of this. We've always been honest with each other. You've never kept anything from me until now. After all, I've been a good wife to you and I'm the mother of your children, and I've got a right to know what is the thing? Is that all you want to know? Honey, don't scare me like that. I thought you found out about that red-headed car hop that, whoo-hoo! Honey, you see, the thing is... Never mind that, Phillip. Let's get back to the red-headed car hop. She can wait. I want to know what the thing is. Phil, are you going to tell me or aren't you? Honey, I can't tell you. I've been sworn to secrecy. But ever got out what the thing is, it would be the end. The end of what? The royalties on my record. I can't understand why that record is such a big hit. Nothing to the tune. The lyrics are childish and as for your voice, ugg. Daddy's record is wonderful. So do I. In fact, we brought it to school yesterday and we played it all day long for the teacher. Hey, nice going, kids. And I'll bet that she loved every... Hey, wait a minute. Why aren't you kids in school today? We've been expelled. The teacher expelled you because you played my record for her? I'm going down to see her. I'm going to tell her off. It won't do any good, Daddy. We tried to reason with her. Well, what did she say? Nothing. She just sat there staring straight ahead and going... You see, Philip, that's what the teacher thinks of your record. That don't prove nothing. That's just one intellectual's opinion. In fact, Victor sold so many records that I have to go down today and record it again with a band. And I'd better leave now or I'll be late. I'll see you later, Alice. Okay, fellas. All right, fellas. What do you mean? All right, you can pray. All right, put the cards away, will you? All right, let's drop everything. Get that change off the table. Let's have it quiet. Now, pick up that stuff. All right, gentlemen. I have good news for you. I've just received the first check from RCA Victor for the royalties made on our recording of the thing. Due to your fine musicianship, your excellent arrangement, your unceasing efforts, I have made $10,000. Are there any questions, gentlemen? Knock them down and roll them. Now, wait a minute. Now, you fellas won't have to resort to force. I am not forgetting your contribution to the success of this record. I had to check cash and I have the money right here. Now, if you'll all get in line and walk slowly past me, you may feel the money. All right, Artie, I want to be fair about this. I happen to be the leader, and I think I ought to keep the money. But if any of you have any suggestions for a better distribution of the loot, now is the time to stand up and keep his big mouth shut. Let's get settled down and rehearse the thing once more before we record it. We ain't gonna do it. Why not? I don't like the song. Well, what's the matter with you, Sammy? You never like any songs I do. How come? I don't know. Unless it's because you got such a lousy voice. I like the songs he does, too. But some guys won't say to get a raise. All right. Hey, Artie, do you really like my voice? Sure. And I like... It does? Yeah. You ought to be ashamed of yourself talking about your wife that way. How can you say such things about such a sweet, lovable person? Have you ever seen my wife? No. Then shut up! Look, Artie, that's no way to talk to your leader. Now you're gonna rehearse the thing with me, or aren't you? No! I'm the captain of this crew. One more uprising, such as this, and I'll cut your rum ration. The problem with you guys is you don't do anything unless you get paid for it. Money, money, money, money, money. That's all you think of. The only one who hasn't asked for anything is Remly. And do you know why? Yeah, he ain't here yet. I wonder I didn't hear the sound of his greedy little voice. Where is Remly? He's doubling up on another job so he can make a living. You mean to tell me that he's taking another job on my time? If there's one thing that I can't stand, it's a no-good two-time in chiseling, no-talent double-cross. Curly, I overheard what you just said, and congratulations. Congratulations? Yeah, it takes a big man to admit his own fault. You look like Yara. There are everything you said you are, and a little more, too. I would have added cheap penny-pinching piker. What do you mean, cheap penny-pinching piker? If you paid me a living wage, I wouldn't be forced to take another job. That's what I want to talk to you about, buddy. Look, what's the idea of taking another job? I had to. I can't live on what you pay me. Cost of living's gone up. Why, do you realize how much they've increased the bare necessities of life? No, how much? Twenty cents on a fifth. Next thing you know, they'll be raising the price of food. That will never affect you. Now, what's this extra job you got, Remli? Oh, something I happen to be well-suited for. I'm a babysitter. You're a what? A babysitter. I get 50 cents an hour to sit with a baby. A baby what? Nobody's gonna trust you with a human child. They wouldn't, huh? I run a baby service for mothers who have to go to work. I had 18 of them over the house this morning. I just got through returning them. Well, good. Now, maybe you can forget about that other job for a while and concentrate on this one. We have a rehearsal to do. Well, you'll have to call it off. I'm too tired. What are you tired from? A musician works from son to son, but a babysitter's work is never done. Taking care of kids is a great responsibility, and I'm fully aware of the trust placed in me. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you are. After all, tiny tots are like delicate flowers. They must be handled with gentleness, tenderness, loving care. Quiet, Myrtle. As I was saying, Curly, the infant must be handled with extreme caution. Wait a minute, just a minute. What was that short burst on the bagpipe, though? That's Myrtle. Who's Myrtle? One of the babies. I haven't returned her yet. Now, as I was saying, kids... Hey, Remly, where have you got her? In my guitar case. Thank you, TV Wiggles. Look, will you get Sparkle plenty out of that case and let me see her before she suffocates? What's the matter with you? She won't suffocate. I got air holes in the case. Will you open that case and take her out? Okay. You ought to be a shit. Hey. Oh. Hey, Remly, is she a cute little thing? Hey, honey, come here, Uncle. Hey, honey, come here, Uncle Filzy. Oh, you're such a cute little baby. Uncle Filzy, will he like them you? Indian baby talk, yet. Uncle Filzy, thank you. You are Snooki Yukams. You like them, Uncle Filzy, will he? If she spits in your eye, I wouldn't blame her. Myrtle's a half-kid. Don't talk with that corny baby talk. Yeah. Hey, I got to admit she's a honey, isn't she? Hey, Remly. Huh? Hey, let me hold her a minute. Hey, yeah. Hey, Myrtle, how would you like to, uh, to... Hey, Remly, I got news for you. What? This ain't a Myrtle, it's a Clyde. Look at the bib. It's blue and it says his on it. Now that I think of it, I did return Myrtle. Which kid is this? Well, don't ask me. This doggie's from your herd. Didn't you have him branded? I had tags with the names and addresses on them. This one must have swallowed his tag. Oh, well, that's life, I always say. Remly, how can you be so nonchalant? You've got one kid left over. So what? Out of 18, that's not a bad batting out. Look, Remly, you've got to get rid of this kid. What for? Don't you realize by now the mother must have called the police? She probably thinks you stole the kid. The police must have a dragnet out already with orders to shoot the kill. Kill? Yeah, and the person they find with that baby's going to get the hot seat for being a kidnapper. Girlie, I have good news for you. Why? You've just become the father of a bouncing baby boy named Clyde. Here he is, and wear him in good health. So long, Curly. Come back here, will you? Don't try to palm this kid off on me. I ain't no fence for no hot babies. Well, hold it just for a while, Curly. Give me a chance to concentrate. Maybe I can remember who his mother is. Well, hurry up, will you? I'm not going to hold this kid all day while he- Oh, honey, I was just passing by. Wow. You've had a busy morning, haven't you, Wanda? Oh, honey, don't be silly. What's this? And don't tell me it's the thing. Still, I demand an explanation. I can explain. This is a baby. Oh, you must have peed. I know what it is. I want to know whose it is. It's mine, Alice. Frankie, you mean- No, I don't. I was babysitting with a lot of kids this morning, and I got one left over. I can't remember who the mother is. Oh, Frankie, that's awful. The mother's probably frantic with worry. We've got to find her even if we have to go from house to house. Oh, now, wait a minute. Don't cry, baby. Hey, Alice, look at him. Any cutesy-wootsy? Yeah, he's a dollsy-wallsy. Are we all going to talksy-walksy like that? If we're going to find the kid's mother, we better get started. All right. All right, Clyde, now just take it easy. Well, stop whining. We'll get you back home. Hey, I'll tell you what, you be a good boy, and I'll sing the thing for you. Everybody's a critic. He sells a million records, and this little wise guy don't- Where you been under a rock, Clyde? Oh, with a brain like that, he'll never be nothing but a baby. I'm not going to fool with him like that. Oh, will you please be quiet? You can't get mad at the child just because he doesn't like your voice. I'll tell you what, little honey. I'll sing for you. Oh, pike down! Do you like it or not? Ask me how do I feel? Ask me now that we're cozy and clinging. Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a bell, I'd be ringing. From the moment we kissed tonight, that's the way I just got to behave. Boy, if I were a lamp-eyed light, or if I were a banner, I'd wave. Ask me how do I feel? Little me with my quiet upbringing. Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a gate, I'd be swinging. And if I were a watch, I'd start poppin' my spring spine. Or if I were a bell, I'd go ding-dong-ding-dong-ding. Just how do we feel? From this chemistry lesson, we're learning. Well, how do you feel, boys? Well, dear, all we can say is if we were a bridge, we'd be burning. Yes, I knew my morale would crack. You gotta be careful. From the wonderful way that he looked. Boy, if I were a duck, I'd quack. Or if I were a goose, I'd be cooked. Ask me how do I feel? Ask me now that we're plundly caressing. Wonderful, isn't it? Or if I were a salad, I'd know I'd be splashing my dressing. Or if I were a season, I'd sure to be spring. Or if I were a bell, I'd go. Or if I were a bell, I'd go. Thank goodness the kid fell asleep. I'm tired, too. We've been to 30 houses and the baby doesn't belong to any of them. What are we going to do? Only one thing we can do. Let's take the kid down to the city pound. Remly, that's for dogs. Fellas, there are only a few more houses on the block. Let's try them. Okay, I'll try this house. Go ahead. Pardon me, madam, are you the mother of this child? Ow! What'd she slap me for? I don't know, unless it's because of that sign over the door. What sign? Encino home for old maids. We'll try another house. Hey, wait a minute, I've got an idea. What's that? Well, look, how about Joe Galletti's house? I know they've got a lot of kids. Maybe this is one of theirs. Let's go over and find out. Hello, Mrs. Galletti. Is one of your children missing? I don't know. I haven't looked in the last couple of days. You want us to take a peek? Well, Mrs. Galletti, you mean you don't know if one of your own children is missing? How can I be sure if one is a missing? I'm not even sure how many we got. It can maybe 15 or 16 or 22. Just a minute, I'll call him my husband. Hey, Joe, how many kids do we got? I don't know, I thought that you wasn't keeping a score. How many kids do we got? Well, I do, Mr. Galletti, you see, we... Well, look, who's he? That's my favorite, the glamour girl. Oh, you're the most beautiful woman in a picture. I never miss one of your pictures. Oh, I'm so happy to see you, Mrs... What's the name again? Alice Fay. No, that's not your name. Your name is... Betty Grable? No, that's not even a warm. She's a... Gloria Swanson. Accesses! It's good to see you again, Mrs. Swanson. Hey, I like you very much in the Sunset Boulevard. Thanks loads. I'd like you to meet my husband. Oh, you don't have to introduce him. I didn't know Eric Von Stroh, how many plays. Now wait a minute. In the Sunset Boulevard, you had a ball ahead. But I like you better this away with a curly scalp. Mr. Galletti, maybe you and your wife can help us. Oh, sure, what do you want us to do? Me and Marie will help any way we can. Well, I just want to know one thing. Is this your baby? Let me see. No, this baby ain't the one of mine. She's the one of yours and Marie. I don't think she's one of mine. But if you won, she's a nice baby. You can leave me here. Marie, I'm smarter for you. We've got enough trouble with a stalk. Don't start taking her from strangers. I've tried every house in the neighborhood. What are we going to do now? Wait a minute, I have an idea. Let's take the baby to the children's shelter. Children's? Yeah. Hey, that's it. That's it. They'll find the mother force. Well, come on, let's go. Do you think that they'll take the baby here? Of course they will. They do a lot of wonderful work for children. And it's run by a very sweet old lady, Phil. All right, well look, you wait in the car, honey. And we'll take the baby in. Come on, Remly. Yeah. Hey, Curly. Just so we don't have any trouble, let's leave the kid on the doorstep and run. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I wouldn't do a thing like that. I'm going to ring the bell. What trouble can we have? Alice says this place is run by a sweet old lady. And I'm going to... Oh, how do you do, madam? I'd like to talk to you. What's on you? This is a sweet old lady. Julius, what are you doing here? I'm mine. I came down because I need help. You came to the wrong place. This ain't where you take the cure. Frankie, you don't have to take no cure this week. Our baby? Neither of us is the mother. Whose baby is it? Well, if you must know, it's Frankie's. Oh, this is quite a surprise. You never told me you were married, Mr. Remly. Who's the unlucky girl? There is no girl. Okay then, who's the unlucky alligator? I can't remember. I just met her for the first time this morning. You met her for the first time this morning and now you have a baby? I suppose a fair stock with a strong tailwind could make it. Look, kid, Frankie ate the father of this baby. Some woman left it with him this morning and he can't remember who she is. Hey, this must be the Kramer baby. His mother's been calling in all day to find out if somebody brought him here. That's the name, Kramer. Well, thank goodness. Hey, Alice, come on in here. We found out who the baby belongs to, belongs to Mrs. Kramer. Oh, that's wonderful, Phil. I feel much better now. Well, Julius, what are you doing here? Hi, Ms. Faith. I come down once in a while to entertain the kids. Today I put on a comedy radio show for them. Oh, did the children like it? No, it was too childish for them. They said it was one of the dullest takeies they ever heard. Well, naturally, you don't know nothing about writing a radio program. If you were smart, you would have used one of my old radio scripts. That's the trouble I did. Where'd you get one of my scripts? I called your house and your girls brought it over. I played your part, Mr. Harris. Yeah? How'd you do on it? I gotta admit, I didn't get as many laughs as you did. That's because you're not a comedy. If you did it the way I did it, you would have gotten howled. I know, but I didn't want to drop my pants. Were our girls in the play, Julius? Yeah, little Phyllis was in it. And you know, Mr. Harris, when it comes to acting, that kid of yours makes you look like a cigar star, Randy. Are you kidding? Do you hear that, Franky? Little Phyllis is a better actor than me. That figures. She's got more talent. Maybe she has more talent, but I have a certain lovable charm that she will never be able to touch. Phil, stop being such a ham. You should be happy that our girls have talent. After a while, they'll be able to take over and support you. After all, dear, I can't work forever. All right. We finished writing a new lyrics for the song and we... Oh, hello, Mommy. Hiya, Daddy. Oh, Daddy, we have a big surprise for you. You do what surprise? You know that song you made famous? Which one, my dear? Roses of Bacardi? Or the glowworm? Or there's a girl in the heart of Dixie with a watch that belongs to me? That was the novel, eh? The last novel, eh? No, Daddy. We wrote new lyrics for the thing. New lyrics to the thing? It's doing all right the way it is. What are you trying to do? Kids steal my underwear? What's the matter with you? Well, Daddy, we have a good idea. We're trying to get toys for unfortunate children at Christmas. Toys for unfortunate children at Christmas? Well, hey, that sounds like a swell thought, kids, but where does the thing fit into it? Well, we want people to sin in the form of a toy. What they might think is the thing. Yes, we're going to call it the thing for kids. Oh, but, honey, according to the lyrics of the song, most people think the thing is something horrible. That's why we wrote new lyrics. Would you like to hear them, Daddy? Sure, I would. Are you ready? I'll give you a downbeat. While we were walking down the street one happy Christmas day, we saw a funny-looking thing that someone threw away. We went right over to look at it and much to our surprise, oh, we discovered a broken toy right before our eyes. Yes, they discovered a broken toy right before our eyes. We picked it up and ran right home to show it to our dad. He said he'd try to fix it up and we were very glad because then we'd take it and give it to some little girl and boy who might be happy on Christmas day if they could have a toy. Yes, they would be happy on Christmas day if they could have a toy. The moral of this story is if you've got anything, that you don't want or you can't use, are you my thing, the thing? Don't throw it away, just send it in. That's our advice to you cause you'll be helping some children have a merry Christmas too. Yes, you'll be helping some children have a merry- Folks, this is Phil again and I think the kids have a great idea. If we can make it, I think the kids have a great idea. If we can make the unfortunate children happy at Christmas time, it'll make our holiday a lot happier too. So if you have some usable toys lying around the house, remember that there are kids in your town who would like to have them. And if you don't have any old toys and you feel like sending new ones, we'd love it. Don't wait until the last minute, send the thing for kids to a needy kid now. Ladies and gentlemen, we know you'll come through for the children. Good night. On NBC.