 Volume 1, Chapter 25 of the Autobiography of Madame Keon. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org The Autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon. Volume 1, Chapter 25 The first religious person that God made use of to draw me to himself, to whom, according to his desire, I had written from time to time, wrote to me in the depth of my distress, desiring me to write to him no more, signifying his disappropation of what came from me, and that I displeased God greatly. A father, a Jesuit, who had esteemed me much, wrote to me in like manner. No doubt it was by thy permission that they that contributed to complete my desolation. I thanked them for their charity and commanded myself to their prayers. It was then so indifferent to me to be decried of everybody, even of the greatest saints, that it added but little to my pain. The pain of displeasing God and the strong propensity I felt in myself to all sorts of faults caused me most lively and sensible pain. I had been accustomed from the beginning to dryness and privation. I even prefer it to the state of abounding, because I knew that I must seek God above all. I had even at the first beginnings an instinct of my inmost soul to pass over every manner of thing whatsoever, to leave the gifts, to run after the giver. But at this time my spirit and senses were in such a manner struck by thy permission, O my Lord, who were pleased to destroy me without mercy, that the farther I went, the more everything appeared to me a sin. Even crosses appeared to me no more crosses, but rear faults. I thought I drew them all on myself by my imprudent words and actions. I was like those who, looking through a color glass, behold everything of the same color with which it is stained. Had I been able to perform my exterior acts as formally, or penances for my evil, it would have relieved me. I was forbidden to do the latter, besides I grew so timorous and felt in myself such a weakness, as made it appear impossible for me to do them. I looked on them with horror. I found myself now so weak and incapable of anything of the kind. I omit many things, both of providence of the Lord in my favor, and of racked paths through which I was obliged to pass. But as I have only one general view, I leave them in the knowledge of the Lord only. Afterward, being forsaken of my director, the goldeness toward me which I remarked in the persons conducted by him gave me no more trouble. Nor, indeed, the estrangement of all the creatures on account of my inward humiliation. My brother also joined with those who exclaimed against me, even though he had never seen them before. I believe it was the Lord who conducted things in this way for my brother has worth and undoubtedly thought he did well in acting lads. I was obliged to go about some business to a town where some near relations of my mother-in-law lived. How did I find things changed there? When I was there before, they entertained me in a most elegant and obliging manner, regaling me from house to house with emulation. Now they treated me with the utmost contempt, saying they did it to revenge what I bade their relations suffer. As I saw the thing went so far that notwithstanding all my care endeavors to please her, I have not been able to succeed. I resolved to come to an explanation with her. I told her that there was a curing report that I treated her ill, though I made it my study to give her every mark of my esteem. If the report were true, I desire her to allow me to remove from her, for that I will not choose to stay to give her pain, but only with a quite contrary view. She answered very coldly that I might do what I would, for she had not spoken about it, but was resolved to live apart from me. He was fairly giving me my discharge, and I thought of taking my measures privately to retire. As I had not, since my widowhood, made any visits, but such as were of pure necessity or charity, there were found too many discontented spirits who made a party with her against me. The law required of me an inviolable secrecy of all my pains, both of exterior and interior. There is nothing which makes not your die so much as to find neither support nor consolation. In short, I saw myself obliged to go out in the middle of winter with my children and my daughter's nurse. At that time there was no house empty in the town, so the Benedictines offered me an apartment in the airs. I was now in great strait, on one side fearing lest I was shunning the cross, on the other side thinking it unreasonable to impose my state on one to whom it was only painful. Besides what I have related of her behavior, which still continued, when I went into the country to take a little repose, she complained that I left her alone. If I desire her to come closer, she will not. If I said, I dare not ask her to come, for fear of incommoting her by changing her bed, she replied, it was only an excuse because I would not have her go and that I only went to be away from her. When I heard that she was displeased at my being in the country, I returned to the town. Then she could not bear to speak to me or to see me. I accosted her without appearing to notice how she received it. Instead of making me any answer, she turned her head another way. I often sent her my coach, desiring her to come and spend a day in the country. She sent it back empty, without any answer. If I passed some days there without sending it, she complained aloud. In short, all I did to please her soured her. God saw permitting it. She had in the main a good heart but was troubled with an uneasy temper and I do not fail to think myself under much obligation to her. Being with her on Christmas Day, I set to her with much affection. My mother, on this day, was the king of peace-born to bring it to us. I beg peace of you in his name. I think that touched her though she will not let it appear. The ecclesiastic whom I had met with at home, far from strengthening and comforting me, did nothing but waken and afflict me, telling me that I owe not to suffer certain things. I had no credit enough to discharge any domestic, however defective or culpable. As soon as any of them were warned to go away, she sighted with them and all her friends interfered. As I was ready to go off, one of my mother-in-law's friends, a man of worth who had always an esteem for me without daring to show it, having hurt it, was much afraid lest I should leave the town, for the removal of my alms, he thought, would be a loss to the country. He resolved to speak to my mother-in-law in the softest manner she called for he knew her. After he had spoken to her, she said that she will not put me away, but if I went, she will not hinder me. After this, he came to see me and desired me to go and make an excuse to her in order to condend her. I told him I should be willing to make a hundred, although I did not know about what, that I did it continually about everything which made her uneasy. But that was not now the matter, for I make no complaint of her, but thought it not proper for me to continue with her to give her pain, that it was but just that I should contribute to her case. However, he went with me into her room, then I told her that I begged her pardon. If ever I had displeased her in anything, that it had never been my intention to do it, that I desire her before this gentleman who was her friend, to tell me that I had given her any offence. Here, God permitted, she made a declaration of the truth in his presence. She said she was not a person to suffer herself to be offended, that she had no other complaint against me, but that I did not love her and that I wished her dead. I answered her that these thoughts were far from my heart, so far from it, that I should be glad by my best care and attendance on her to prolong her days, that my affection was real, but that she never would be persuaded to believe it. Whatever testimonies I could give, so long as he hearkened to people who spoke to her against me, that she had with her a mate who, far from showing me any respect, treated me ill, so far as to push me when she wanted to pass by. She had done it at church, making me give way to her with as much violence as condemned, several times also in my room grating me with her words, that I had never complained of it, because such a temper might one day give her trouble. She took the girl's part. Nevertheless, we embraced and it was left so. Soon after, when I was in the country, this mate, having me no more to vent her chakrin's own, behaved in such a manner to my mother-in-law that she could not bear it. She immediately put her out of doors. I must say here on my mother-in-law's behalf that she had both sense and virtue and accept certain faults, which persons who do not practice prayer are liable to, she had good qualities. Perhaps I caused crosses to her without intending it, and she to me without knowing it. I hope what I write will not be seen by any who may be offended with it, or who may not be in a condition to see these matters in God. That gentleman who had used me soil for breaking of my acquaintance with him among his penitence, had one who, for affairs which befell her husband, was obliged to quit the country. He himself was accused of the same things which he had so liberally and unjustly accused me, and even things much worse and with more noise and outcry. Though I well knew all this, God granted me the favor to make his downfall the subject of my discourse. On the contrary, when any spoke to me of it, I pitied him and said what I could in mitigation of his case, and God governed my heart so well that it never offered to go into any vain joy at seeing him overtaken and oppressed with those kind of evils which he had been so assituous in endeavoring to bring upon me. Though I knew that my mother-in-law was informed of it all, I never spoke to her about it, or about the sad confusions he had caused in a certain family. Chapter 25 Volume 1 The Autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon Volume 1 Chapter 26 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org One day during my husband's lifetime, late and with sorrow, not knowing what to do, I wished to speak to a person of distinction and merit who came often into the country. I wrote to request an opportunity with him for that I wanted his instruction and advice. But soon after, I felt remorse for it. This voice spoke in my heart. What? Does thou seek for ease and to shake off my yoke? Hereupon, I instantly sent a note again to desire him to excuse me, adding that what I had written was only from self-love, not necessity, that as he knew what it was to be faithful to God, I hoped he would not disapprove my acting with this Christian's simplicity. Yet he resented, which surprised me much as I had conceived a high idea of his virtue, virtues he had, but such as are full of the life and activities of nature and unacquainted with the paths of mortification and death. Thou, O my God, has been my conductor even in these paths. As with admiration, I have discovered since they are past. Blessed be thy name, forever. I am obliged to bear this testimony to thy goodness. Before I continue my narration, I must add one remark, which the Lord gave me to make upon the way which he, in his goodness, was pleased to conduct me, which is that his obscure path is the surest to mortify the soul as it leaves it not any probe to lean upon for support. Though it has no application to any particular state of Jesus Christ, yet, at its coming out, it finds itself clothed with all his dispositions, the impure and selfish soul is hereby purified as God in the furnace, full of its own judgment and its own will before, but now obeys like a child and finds no other will in itself. Before it will have condensed it for a trifle, now it yields at once. Not with reluctance and pain by way of practicing virtue, but as it were naturally, its own vices are vanished. This creature, so vain before, now loves nothing but poverty, littleness and humiliation. Before it preferred itself above everybody. Now everybody above itself, having a boundless charity for its neighbor to bear with his faults and weaknesses in order to win him by love, which before it could not do but with great constraint. The rage of the wolf is changed to the meekness of the lamb. During all the time of my experiencing my miseries and my deep trials, I went after no fine sight or recreations. I wanted to see and know nothing but Jesus Christ. My closet was my only diversion. Even when the Queen was near me, whom I had never seen and whom I had desire enough to see, I had only to open my eyes and look out to see here, yet did not do it. I had been fond of hearing others sing, yet I was once four days with one who passed for the finest voice in the world without ever desiring her to sing, which surprised her because she was not ignorant knowing her name I must know the charming excellence of her voice. However, I committed some infidelities in inquiring what other set of me by way of playing. I met with one who told me everything. Though I showed nothing of it, it served only to modify me. I saw I was yet too much alive to self. I shall never be able to express the number of my miseries. They are so vastly surmounted by the favors of God and so swallowed up in these that I can see them no more. One of the things which gave me most pain in the seven years I have spoken of, especially the last five, was so strange a folly of my imagination that it gave me no rest. My senses bore it company. I could no more shut my eyes at church. That's having all the gates and avenues open, it was like a vineyard exposed because the hedges which the father of the family had planned were torn away. I saw everyone that came and went and everything that passed in the church for the same force which had drawn me inward to recollection seemed to push me outward to dissipation. I listened with miseries, weighed down with oppressions and crushed under continual crosses. I thought of nothing but ending my days that's. There remain me, not the least hope of ever emerging. Notwithstanding, I thought I had lost grace forever and the salvation which it merits for us. I longed at least to do what I could for God though I fear I should never love Him. Seeing the happy state from hence I had fallen, I wished in gratitude to serve Him though I looked on myself as a victim doomed to destruction. Sometime the view of that happy period caused secret desires to spring up in my heart of recovering it again. I was instantly rejected and throw back into the depth of the abyss. I judged myself to be in a state which was due to unfaithful souls. I simped my God as if I was forever cast off from Thy regard and from that of all creatures. By degrees my state ceased to be painful. I became even insensible to it and my insensibility seemed like the final hearting of my repropation. My goodness appeared to me a mortal coldness. It was truly so, oh my God, since I thus died to self in order to live holy in Thee and in Thy precious love. To resume my history, a servant of mine wanted to become a Barnabite. I wrote about it to Father Delamar. He answered me that I must address Father Lacombe who was then the superior of the Barnabites of Tono. That obliged me to write to him. I had always preserved secret respect and esteem for him as one under grace. I was glad of this opportunity of recommending myself to his prayers. I wrote to him about my fall from the grace of God that I had requited his favors with the blackest ingratitude. That I was miserable and a subject worthy of combustion. And far from having advanced toward God I was become entirely alienated from him. He answered in such a manner as if he had known by supernatural light the frightful description I had given of myself. In the midst of my miseries, Geneva came into my mind a singular manner which caused me many fears. What said I to complete my repropation shall I go to such an excess of impiety as to quit the faith through apostasy? The inhabitants of Geneva being generally protestant Calvinists am I then about quitting that church for which I will give a thousand lives? Or shall I ever depart from that faith which I will even wish to seal with my blood? I had such a distrust of myself that I dare hope for nothing but had a thousand reasons for fear. Nevertheless, the letter which I had received from Father Lacombe in which he wrote me an account of his present disposition somewhat similar to mine had such an effect as to restore peace and calmness to my mind. I felt myself inwardly united to him as to a person of great fatality to the grace of God. Afterward, a woman appeared to me in a dream to be calm down from heaven to tell me that God demanded me at Geneva about 8 or 10 days before Magdalene's Day, 1618 it came into my mind to write to Father Lacombe and to request him if he received my letter before that day to pray particularly for me. It was so ordered, contrary even to my expectations that he received my letter on Saint Magdalene's Eve and when praying for me the next day it was said to him, thrice over with much power ye shall both dwell in one and the same place. He was very much surprised as he never had received interior words before. I believe, oh my God, that that has been much more verified both in our inward sense and experience and in the same crucifying events which have befallen us pretty much alike and in thyself who art our dwelling than in any temporal abode. On that happy Magdalene's Day this soul was perfectly delivered from all its pains. I had already begun since the receipt of the first letter from Father Lacombe to recover a new life. It was then only like that of a dead person raised though not yet unbound from grave clothes. On this day I was, as it were, in perfect life and set holy at liberty. I found myself as much raised above nature as before I had been depressed under its burden. I was inexpressibly overjoyed to find him whom I thought I had lost forever returned to me again with unspeakable magnificence and purity. It was then, oh God, that I found again in thee with new advantages. In an ineffable manner all I had been deprived of. The peace I now possessed was all holy, heavenly and inexpressible. All I had enjoyed before was only a peace, a gift of God, but now I received and possessed the God of peace. Yet the remembrance of my past miseries still brought a fear upon me lest nature should find means to take to itself any part therein. As soon as it wanted to see or taste anything, the spirit ever watchedful crossed it and rebelled it. I was far from elevating myself or attributing to myself anything of this new state. My experience made me sensible of what I was. I hoped I should enjoy this happy state for some time, but little did I think my happiness so great and immutable as it was. If one may judge of a good by the trouble which precedes it, I leave mine to be judged off by the sorrows I had undergone before my attaining it. The Apostle Paul tell us that the sufferings of this life are not to be compared with the glory that is prepared for us. How true is that of this life? One day of this happiness was worth more than years of suffering. It was indeed at that time well worth all I had undergone though it was then only donning and alacrity for doing good was restored to me greater than ever. It seemed to me all quite free and natural to me. At the beginning this liberty was less extensive, but as I advance it grew greater. I had occasion to see Peter betrothed for a few moments and told him I thought my state much changed. He seemingly attentive to something else answered no. I believed him because grace taught me to prefer the judgment of others and rather believe them than my own opinions or experience. This did not give me any kind of trouble. Every state seemed equally indifferent if I only had the favor of God. I felt a kind of beatitude every day increasing in me. I did all sorts of good without selfishness of premeditation. Whenever a self-reflective thought was presented to my mind it was instantly rejected and as it were a curtain in the soul drowned before it. My imagination was kept so fixed that I had now very little trouble on that. I wandered at the clearness of my mind and the purity of my whole heart. I received a letter from Father Lacombe wherein he wrote that God had discovered to him that he had great designs in regard to me. Let them be then said I to myself either of justice or mercy all is equal to me. I still had Geneva deeply at heart but said nothing of it to anybody waiting for God to make known to me his all-powerful will and fearing lest any strategy of the devil should be concealed therein that might tend to draw me out of my proper place or still me out of my condition. The more I saw my own misery incapacity and nothingness the planer it appeared that they rendered me fitter for the designs of God whatever they might be. Oh my Lord said I take the weak and the wretched to do thy works that thou mayest have all the glory and that man may adripshoot nothing of them to himself. If thou shouldst take a person of eminence and great talents one might adripshoot to him something but if thou text me it will be manifest that thou alone are the author of whatever good shall be done. I continued quite in my spirit leaving the whole affair to God being satisfied if he should require anything on me that he will furnish me with the means of performing it. I held myself in readiness with a full resolution to execute his orders whenever he should make them known though it were to the laying down of my life. I was released from all crosses I resumed my care of the sick and dressing of wounds and God gave me to cure the most desperate. When surgeons could do no more it was then that God made me cure them. Oh the joy that accompanied me everywhere finding still him who had united me to himself in his own immensity and boundless vastitude. Oh how truly did I experience what he said in the Gospel by the four evangelists and by one of them twice over whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it and whosoever will save his life shall lose it. When I had lost all created supports and even divine ones I then found myself happily compelled to fall into the pure divine and to fall into it through all those very things which seemed to remove me further from it. In losing all the gifts with all their supports I found the giver in losing the sense and perception of thee in myself I found thee oh my God to lose thee no more in thyself in thy own immutability. Oh poor creatures who pass all your time in fitting upon the gifts of God and think therein to be the most favored and happy. How I pity you if you stop here short of the true rest and cease to go forward to God himself through the loss of those cherished gifts which you now delight in. How many pass all their lives in this way and think highly of themselves? There are others who being called of God to die to themselves yet pass all their time in a dying life in inward agonies without ever entering into God through death and a total loss of self because they are always willing to retain something under plausible pretexts and so never lose themselves to the whole extent of the designs of God. They never enjoy God in all his fullness which is a loss that cannot be perfectly known in this life. Oh my Lord what happiness did I not largely taste in my solitude and with my little family were nothing interrupted my tranquility. As I was in the country the slender age of my children did not require my application too much they being in good hands I retired a great part of the day into a good. I passed as many days of happiness as I had had months of sorrow. Thou, oh my God dealt by me as by thy servant job rendering me double for all thou hast taken and delivering me from all my crosses. Thou gaveest me a marvelous facility to satisfy everyone. What was surprising now was that my mother-in-law who had ever been complaining of me without my doing anything more than usual to please her declare that none could be better satisfied with me than she was. Such as before she had cried me down the most now destified the sorrow for it and became full of my praises. My reputation was established with much more advantage in proportion as it had appeared to be lost. I remained in an in dire peace as well without as within. It seemed to me that my soul was become like new Jerusalem spoken of in the apocalypse as a bride for her husband and where there is no more sorrow or sighing. I had the perfect indifference to everything that is here a union so great with the will of God that my own will seemed undoubtedly lost. My soul could not incline itself on one side or the other since another will had taken the place of its own but only nourished itself with the daily providences of God. It now found a will all divine yet was so natural and easy that it found itself infinitely more free than ever it had been in its own. These dispositions have still substituted and still grown stronger and more perfect even to this hour. I could neither desire one thing nor another but was content with whatever fell. If any in the house asked me will you have this or that then I was surprised to find that there was nothing left in me which could desire or choose. I was as if everything of smaller matters quite disappeared a higher power having taken up and filled all their place. I even perceived no more that soul which had formally conducted by his crook and his staff because now he alone appeared to me my soul having given up its place to him. It seemed to me as if it was holy and all together passed into its God to make but one and the same thing with him. Even as a little drop of water cast into the sea receives the qualities of the sea or union of unity demanded of God by Jesus Christ for men and merited by him. How strong is this in a soul that is become lost in its God? After the consummation of this divine unity the soul remains hit with Christ in God. This happy loss is not like those transient ones which ecstasy operates which are rather an absorption than union because the soul afterwards finds itself again with all its own dispositions. Here she fills that prayer fulfilled. John chapter 17 verse 21 that they all may be one as thou, Father, art in me and I in thee that they also may be one in us. End of chapter 27 recorded on the 9th of December 2008 Athens, Greece. Volume 1 chapter 28 of the autobiography of Madame Keon. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon. Volume 1 chapter 28 I was obliged to go to Paris about some business. Having entered into a church that was very dark I went up to the first confessor I found whom I did not know nor have ever seen since. I made a symbol and short confession but the confessor himself I said not a word. He surprised me saying I know not who you are whether mate, wife or widow but I feel a strong inward motion to exhort you to do what the law has made known to you that he requires of you. I have nothing else to say. I answer him, Father, I am a widow who have little children. What else could God require of me but to take you care of them for education? He replied, I know nothing about this. You know if God manifests to you that he requires something of you. There is nothing in the world which ought to hinder you from doing his will. One may have to leave one's children to do that. This surprised me much. However, I told him nothing of what I felt about Geneva. I disposed myself submissively to quit everything if the law required it of me. I did not look upon it as a good I aspired to or a virtue I hoped to acquire or as anything extraordinary or as a knack that will merit some return on God's part but only gave myself up to be led in the way of my duty whatever it might be feeling no distinction between my own will and the will of God in me. In this disposition I lived with my family in the greatest tranquility until one of my friends had a great desire to go on a mission to Saim. He lived 20 weeks from my house. As he was ready to make a vow to this purpose he found himself stopped with an impulse to come and speak to me. He came immediately and as he had some reluctance to declare his mind to me he went to read prayers in my chapel hoping God would be satisfied with his making the vow. As he was performing divine service in my hearing he was stopped again. He left the chapel to come and speak to me. He then told me his intention though I had no thought of saying anything positive to him I felt an impression in my soul to relate to him my case and the idea I had for a long time passed for Geneva. I told him a dream I had which appeared to me supernatural. When I had done I felt a strong impulse to say to him let's go to Sam and you must also serve me in this affair. It is for that end God has sent you hither. I desire you to give me your advice. After three days having considered the matter and consulted the Lord in it he told me that he believed I was to go thither but to be the better assure of it it would be netful to see the bishop of Geneva. If he approved of my design it would be a sign that it was from the Lord if not I must drop it. I agreed with his sentiment. He then offered to go to Anise to speak to the bishop to bring me a faithful account As he was advanced in years we were deliberating in what way he could take so long a journey when there came two travelers who told us the bishop was at Paris. This I looked on as an extraordinary providence. He advised me to write to Father Lacombe and recommended the affair to his prayers as he was in that country. He then spoke to the bishop at Paris. I, having occasion to go thither spoke to him also. I told him that my design was to go into the country to employ there my substance to erect an establishment for all such as should be willing truly to serve God and to give themselves on to him without reserve and that many of the servants of the Lord had encouraged me there too. The bishop approved of the design. He said there were new Catholics going to establish themselves at Gaix near Geneva and that it was providential thing. I answered him that I had no vocation for Gaix but for Geneva. He said I might go from hence to that city. I thought this was a way which divine providence had opened for my taking this journey with the less difficulty. As I yet knew nothing positive of what the Lord would acquire at my hand I was not willing to oppose anything. Who knows said I but the will of the Lord is only that I should contribute to this establishment. I went to see the priores of the new Catholics at Paris. She seemed much rejoiced and assured me she would gladly join me. As she is a great servant of God this confirmed me. When I could reflect a little which was but seldom I thought God would make choice of her for her virtue and for me for my worldly substance. When I inadvertently looked at myself I could not think God would make use of me but when I saw the things in God then I perceived that the more I was nothing the fitter I was for his designs. As I saw nothing in myself extraordinary and looked on myself as being in the lowest stage of perfection an imagine that an extraordinary decree of inspiration was necessary for extraordinary designs this made me hesitate and fear deception. It was not that I was in fear of anything as to my perfection and salvation which I had referred to God but I was afraid of not doing his will by being too ardent and hasty in doing it. I went to consult Father Cloud Martin. At that time he gave me no decisive answer demanding time to pray about it saying he would write to me what should appear to him to be the will of God concerning me. I found it hard to get to speak to Montchère Betrot both on account of his being difficult of access and of my knowing how he condemned things extraordinary or out of the common road Being my director I submitted against my own use or judgment to what he said laying down all my own experiences when duty required me to believe and obey. I thought however that in an affair of this importance I ought to address myself to him and prefer his sense of the matter but of everyone beside. Persuaded he would infallibly tell me the will of God. I went to him then and he told me that my design was of God and that he had had and since given him of God for some time past that he required something of me. I therefore return home with everything in order. I loved my children much having great satisfaction in being with them but resign all to God to follow his will. On my return from Paris I left myself in the hands of God resolved not to take any step either to make the thing succeed or to hinder it either to advance or retart it but simply to move as he should be pleased to direct me. I had mysterious dreams which portented nothing but crosses persecutions and afflictions. My heart submitted to whatever it should please God to ordain I had one which was very significant. Being employed in some necessary work I saw near me a little animal which appeared to be dead. This animal I took to be the envy of some persons which seem to have been dead for some time. I took it up and as I saw it's so hard to bite me and that it magnified to the eye I cast it away. I found there a pawn that it filled my fingers with sharp pointed prickles like needles. I came to see one of my acquaintance to get him to take them out but he pushed them deeper in and left me so till a charitable priest of great merit whose countance is still present with me though I have not yet seen him but believe I shall before I die. I took this animal up with a pair of pincers as soon as he held it fast those sharp prickles fell off of themselves. I found that I easily entered into a place which before had seemed inaccessible and although the mire was up to the kettle in my way to a deserted church I went over it without getting any dirt. It will be easy to see in this sequel what this signified. Doubtless you will wonder that I who make so little account of things extraordinary relate dreams. I do it for two reasons. First, out of vitality having promised to omit nothing of what should come to my mind Secondly, because it is the method God makes use of to communicate himself to faithful souls to give them four tokens of things to come which concern them that mysterious dreams are found in many places of the holy scriptures. They have singular properties as first, to leave a certainty that they are mysterious and will have the effect in their season. Second, to be hardly ever effaced out of the memory though one forgets all others. Third, to redouble the certainty of their truth every time one thinks of them. Fourth, they generally leave a certain action a divine sense or savor at once waking. I received letters from soundly religious persons some of whom lived far from me and from one another relating to my going forth in the service of God and some of them to Geneva in particular in such a manner as surprised me one of them intimated that I must there bear the cross and be persecuted and another of them that I should be eyes to the blind feet to the lame and arms to the maimed. The ecclesiastic or chaplain of our house was much afraid lest I was under a delusion what at that time greatly confirmed me was Father Cloud Martin whom I mention above wrote to me that after many prayers the law had given him to know that he required me at Geneva and to make a free sacrifice of everything to him. I answer him that perhaps the law required of me nothing more than a sum of money to assist in founding an institution which was going to be established there. He replied that the law had made him know that he wanted not my worldly substance but myself. At the very same time with this letter I received one from Father Lacombe who wrote to me that the law had given him a certainty as he had done to several of his good and faithful servants and handmaids that he wanted me at Geneva. The writers of these two letters lived above 150 leaks from each other yet both wrote the same thing. I could not but be somewhat surprised to receive at the same time two letters exactly alike from two persons living so far distant from each other as soon as I became fully convinced of its being the will of the law and so nothing on earth capable of detaining me. My senses had some pain about living my children and upon reflecting there on a doubt seized my mind of my Lord had I rested on myself or on the creatures I would have revolted. Lean on a broken reed which would have pierced my hand but relying on thee alone what needed I to fear. I resolved then to go regardless of the censures of such as understand not what it is to be a servant of the Lord and to receive and obey his orders. I firmly believed that he by his providence would furnish the means necessary for the education of my children. I put everything by decrees in order the Lord alone being my guide. End of chapter 28 The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon, volume 1, chapter 29 While providence on the one hand appointed my forsaking all things it seemed on the other to make my chains the stronger and my separation the more blameable. None could receive stronger marks of affection from one's own mother than those which I received at this time from my mother-in-law. Even the least sickness which befell me made her very uneasy. She said she had veneration for my virtue. I believe what contributed not a little to this change was that she had heard that three persons had offered sweet to me and that I had refused them, although their fortune and quality were quite superior to mine. She remember how she had abrated me on this head and I answer her not a word whereby she might understand that independent on myself to marry to advantage. She began to fear less such rigorous treatment as hers had been toward me might excite me to deliver myself by such means with honour from her tyranny and was sensible what damage that might be to my children. So she was now very tender to me on every occasion. I fell extremely ill. I thought that God had accepted my willingness to sacrifice all to Him and required that of my life. During this illness my mother-in-law went not from my bedside. Her many tears proved the sincerity of her affection. I was very much affected at it and thought I loved her as my true mother. How then should I live here now being so far advanced in age? The maid who till then had been my plague took an inconceivable friendship for me. She praised me everywhere extolling my virtue to the highest and served me with extraordinary respect. She begged pardon for all that she had made me suffer and died of grief after my departure. There I was a priest of merit a spiritual man who had fallen in with temptation of taking upon him employment which I was sensible God did not call him to do. Fearing it might be as near to him I advised him against it. He promised me he would not do it and yet accept it. He then avoided me joined in calamniating me gradually fell away from grace and died soon after. There was a nun in a monastery I often went who was entered into a state of purification which everyone in the house looked on as destruction. They looked her up and all who went to see her call it frenzy or melancholy. I knew her to be devout I requested to see her as soon as I approached I felt an impression that she sowed purity. I desire of the superior that she should not be locked up I should people be admitted to see her but that she would confide here to my care. I hope things would change I discover that her greatest pain was at being counted a fool. I advised her to bear the state of foolishness since Jesus Christ had been willing to bear it before Herod. This sacrifice gave her calmness at once but as God was willing to purify her soul He separated her from all those things for which she had before the greatest attachment. At least after she had patiently undergone her sufferings her superior wrote to me that I was in the right that she had now come out of that state of dejection in greater purity than ever. The Lord gave to me alone at that time to know her state. This was the commencement of the gift of discerning spirits which I afterward received more fully. The winter before I left home was one of the longest and hardest that had been for several years 1680. It was followed with extreme scarcity which proved to me an occasion of exercising charity. My mother-in-law joined me hurtly and appeared to me so much changed I could not but be both surprised and overjoyed at it. We distributed at the house 96 dozen loaves of bread every week but private charities to the bashful poor were much greater. I kept poor boys and girls employed The Lord gave such blessings to my alms that I did not find that my family lost anything by it. For the death of my husband my mother-in-law told him that I would ruin him with my charities though he himself was so charitable than in a very dear year while he was young he distributed a considerable sum. She repeated this to him so often that he commanded me to sit down in writing all the money I laid out both what I gave for the expense of the house and all that I caused to be bought that he might better judge of what I gave to the poor. This new obligation which I was brought under appeared to me so much the harder as for above eleven years we had been married I never before had this required of me. What troubled me most was the fear of having nothing to give to such as wanted however I submitted to it without retrenching any part of my charities. I did not indeed sit down any of my alms and yet my account of expenses was found to answer exactly. I was much surprised and astonished and astimid to one of the wonders of providence. I saw plainly it was simply given out of thy treasury on my law that made me more liberal of what I thought was the Lord's and not mine. Oh, if we but knew how far charity instead of wasting on lessening the substance of the donor would best increase and multiply it profusely. How much is there in the world of useless dissipation which, if probably applied, might aptly serve for the substance of the poor and would abundantly be restored and humbly rewarded to the families of those who gave it. In the time of my greatest trials ten years after my husband's death for they began three years before my widowhood and lasted four years after my footman came one day to tell me I was then in the country that there was in the road a poor soldier dying. I had him brought in an ordering and separate place to be made ready for him I kept above a fortnight. His malady was a flop which he had taken in the army. I was so nauseous that though the domestics were charitably inclined nobody could bear to come near him. I went myself to take away his vessel but I never did anything of the kind which was so hard. I frequently made efforts for a full quarter of an hour at a time. It seemed as if my very heart was going to come up yet I never desist. I sometimes kept the poor people at my house to dress their putrid sores but never met with anything so terrible as this. The poor man after I had made him receive the sacrament died. What gave me now no small concern was the tenderness I had for my children especially my younger son whom I had strong reason for loving. I saw him inclined to be good. Everything seemed to favor the hopes I had conceived of him. I thought it running a great risk to leave him to another's education. My daughter I designed to take with me though she was at this time ill of a very tissues fever. Providence was pleased however so to order it that he spittedly recovered. The ties with which the Lord helped me closely united to him were infinitely stronger than those of flesh and blood. The laws of my sacred marriage obliged me to give up all to follow my spouse whether so ever it was his pleasure to call me after him. Though I often hesitated and doubted much before I went I never doubted after my going of its being his will and though men who judge of things only according to the success they seem to have have taken occasion from my discraces and sufferings to judge of my calling and to run it down as error, illusion and imagination. It is that very persecution and a multitude of strange crosses it has drawn upon me of which this imprisonment I now suffer is one which have confirmed me in the certainty of its truth and validity. I am more than ever convinced that the resignation which I have made of everything is in pure obedience to the Divine will. The gospel effectually in this point shows itself to be true which has promised to those that shall live all for the love of the Lord a hundredfold in this life and persecutions also and have not I infinitely more than a hundredfold in so endiner a possession as my Lord has taken of me in that unshaken firmness which has given me in my sufferings in a perfect tranquility in the midst of a furious tembest which assaults me on every side in an unspeakable joy in largeness and liberty which I enjoy in a most straight and rigorous captivity. I have no desire that my imprisonment should end before the right time. I love my chains. Everything is equal to me as I have no will of my own but purely the love and will of Him who possesses me. My senses indeed have not any relish for such things but my heart is separated from them. My perseverance is not of myself but of Him who is my life so that I can say with the Apostle it is not more I that live but Jesus Christ that lived in me it is He in whom I live, move and have my being. To return to the subject I say that I was not so reluctant to go with the new Catholics as I was to engage with them not finding a sufficient attraction though I sought for it. I longed, indeed, to contribute to the conversion of wandering souls and God made use of me to convert several families before my departure one of which was composed of eleven or twelve persons. Besides, Father Lacombe had written to me to make use of this opportunity for setting off but did not tell me whether I ought to engage with them or not that it was the providence of my God alone which ordered everything to which I was resigned without any reserve and that hindered me from engaging with them. One day, reflecting humanly on this undertaking of mine I found my faith staggering, awakened with a fear lest I were under a mistake which, slavish fear, was increased by an ecclesiastic at our house who told me it was a rush an ill-advised design. Being a little discouraged I opened the Bible and met with this passage in Isaiah Fear not thou worm Jacob and ye men of Israel I will help thee, say the Lord and thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel chapter 61 verse 14 and near it fear not for I have redeemed thee I have called thee by thy name thou art mine when thou passes through the waters I will be with thee I had a very great courage given me for going but could not persuade myself that it will be best to settle with the new Catholics. It was however necessary to see sister Garnier the superior at Paris in order to take our measures together but I could not go to Paris because that journey would have hindered me from taking another which I had to take she then thought much indisposed resolved to come and see me in what a wonderful manner oh my God, this thou conduct things by thy providence to make everything come to the point of thy will every day I saw new miracles which both amazed and still more confirmed me for with a parental goodness thou took as care of even the smallest things as she indented setting off she fell sick and thou permitted it to fall out so to give room thereby for a person who would have discovered everything in the meantime to take a journey to see me as this person had given me notice of the day she indented to set off seeing that day was excessively hot and so sultry that I imagine that being taken so much tender care off as she was at home they would not suffer her to begin her journey which really proved to be the case as she afterward told me I prayed to the Lord to be pleased to grant a wind to rise to moderate the violent heat scarce hut I prayed but there all suddenly saw refreshing a wind that I was surprised and the wind did not cease during her whole journey I went to see her I drove her to my country house in such a way that she was not seen or known of anybody what embarrassed me a little was that two of my domestics knew her but as I was then endeavoring the conversion of a lady they thought that it was on this account I had sent for her and that it was necessary to keep it secret and that the other lady might not be discouraged from coming though I knew nothing of controversial points yet God so furnished me that I did not fail to answer all her objections and resolve all her doubts to such a decree that she could not but give herself entirely to God though sister Garner had a good share of both of grace and natural understanding yet the words had not such an effect on this soul as those with which God furnished me as she assured me herself she even could not forbear speaking of it I felt a movement to beg her of God as a testimony of his holy will concerning me but he was pleased not to grant it then being willing that I should go off alone without any other assurance than his divine providence was conducting all things sister Garner did not declare her thoughts to me for four days then she told me she would not go with me at least I wasn't the more surprised as I had persuaded myself that God would grant to her virtue what he might refuse to my demerits besides the reason she gave appeared to me to be merely human and void of supernatural grace that made me hesitate a little then taking new courage to the resignation of my whole self I said as I go not fit there for your sake I will not fail to go even without you this surprised her as she acknowledged to me for she thought that on her refusal I would decline my purpose of going I regulated everything wrote down the contract of association with them as I thought proper no sooner had I done it but I felt great perturbation and trouble of mine I told her my pain and that I had no doubt but the Lord demanded me at Geneva yet did not let me see that she would have me to be of their congregation she desired to have some time till after prayers and communion and that then she would tell me what she thought the Lord required of me accordingly he directed her contrary both to her interest and inclination she then told me that I owe not to connect myself with her that it was not the Lord's design that I only owe to go with your sisters and that when I should be there Father Lacombe whose letter she had seen would signify to me the divine will I entered at once into these sentiments and my soul then regained the streets of inward peace my first thought had been before I heard of the new Catholics going to Ghex to go directly to Geneva at this time there were Catholics there in service and otherwise to take some little room without any noise and without declaring myself at first and as I knew how to make up all sorts of ointments to heal wounds and especially the king's evil of which there is abundance in that place and for which I had a more certain cure I hoped easily to insinuate myself by this way and with the charities which I should have done to have won over many of the people I have no doubt but if I had followed these impulse things would have succeeded better but I thought I ought to follow the sentiments of the bishop rather than my own what am I saying has not the eternal word or my Lord had its effect and accomplishment in me man speaks as man but when we behold things in the Lord we see them in another light Yes, my Lord thy design was to give Geneva not to my care, words or works but to my sufferings for the more I see things appear hopeless the more too I hope for the conversion of that city by a way known to thee only Father Lacombe has told me since that he had a strong impulse to write to me not to engage with the new Catholics he believed it not to be the will of the Lord concerning me but he omitted doing it as to my director, Mr. Bedroth he died four months before my departure I had some intimations of his death and it seemed as if he bequeathed me a portion of his spirit to help his children I was seized with a fear that the cheque I had felt had given so largely in favour of the new Catholics what I had designed for Geneva was a stratagem of nature which does not love to be stripped I wrote to Sister Garnier to get a contract drawn up according to my first memorial God permitted me to commit this false to make me the more sensible of his protection over me End of chapter 29 of the autobiography of Madame Keon The autobiography of Madame Keon by Jean Keon Volume 2, chapter 1 I went off in a strange renunciation and in great simplicity scarcely able to render the reason why I should in such a manner quit my family which I most tenderly love being without any positive assurance yet hoping even against hope itself I went to the new Catholics at Paris where Providence wrote wonders to conceal me they sent for the nootery who had drawn up the contract of engagement when he read it to me I felt such a repugnance to it and I could not bear to hear it to the end much less sign it the nootery wonder and much more so when Sister Garnier came in I told him that there are needed no contract of engagement I was enabled through divine assistance to put my affairs in very good order and to write sundry letters by the inspiration of the spirit of God and not by my own this was what I had never experienced before it was given me at that time only as a beginning and has since been grounded me much more perfect I had two domestics whom it was very difficult for me to discharge as I did not think to take them with me if I had left them they would have told of my departure and I should have been sent after I was sent after when it became known but God so ordered it that they were willing to follow me they were of no use to me and soon after turn into France I took with me only my daughter and two mates to serve as both we set off in a boat upon the river though I had taken place in the stage coach in order that if they search for me in the coach they might not find me I went to Mellon to wait for it there it was surprising that in this boat the child could not for bear making crosses employing a person to cut rashes for her to use for that purpose she then put around and all over me above 300 of them I'd let her do it and inwardly apprehended that it was not without its meaning I fell an interior certainty that I was going to meet with crosses in abundance and that this child was sewing the cross for me to rip it Sister Garnier who saw that they could not restrain her from covering me with crosses said to me what that child does appears to be significant turning to the little girl she said give me some more crosses to my pretty pet no she replied they are all for my dear mother soon she gave her one to stop her opportunity then continued putting more on me after which she desired some river flowers which floated on the water to be given her braiding a garland she put it on my head and said to me after the cross you shall be crowned I admire all this in silence and offer myself up to the pure love of God as a victim free and willing to be sacrificed to him some time before my departure a particular friend a true servant of God related to me a vision she had respected me in which she saw my heart surrounded with thorns that thou lot appear in it well pleased that though the thorns seem likely to tear it yet instead of doing that they only render it fairer now Lord's appropriation the stronger at Corpial a little town in the river Zain 60 miles south of Paris I met with the priest whom God had first made use of so powerfully to draw me to his love he approved of my design to live all for the Lord but he thought I should not be well suited with the new Catholics he told me some things about them to show that our leadings were incompatible she cautioned me not to let them know that I walked in the inward path if I did I must expect nothing but persecution from them but it is in vain to condrive to hide when God sees best for us to suffer and when our wills are utterly resigned to him and totally passed into his while at Paris I gave the new Catholics all the money I had I reserve not to myself a single penny rejoicing to be poor after the example of Jesus Christ I brought from home 9,000 livers as by my donation I had reserved nothing to myself and by a contract lent them 6,000 these 6,000 has returned to my children but none of it to me that gives me no trouble poverty that's procure constitutes my riches the rest I gave entirely to the sisters that were with us as well to supply the traveling expenses for the purchase of furniture I did not reserve so much as my leaning for my own use putting it in the common fund I had neither locked cofa nor purse I had brought but little leaning for fear of mistrust in wanting to carry off clothes I should have been discovered my persecutors did not fail to report that I had brought great sums from home which I had imprudently expanded and given to the friends of Father Lacombe false as I had not a penny on my arrival at the N.C. a poor man was asking alms I having nothing else gave him the buttons from my sleeves at another time I gave a poor man a little plain ring in the name of Jesus Christ I had worn it as a token of marriage with him we joined the flying stage at Mellon where I left sister Garnier I went on with the other sisters with whom I had no acquaintance the carriages were very fatiguing I got no sleep through so long a journey my daughter a very tender child only five years of age could scarcely any we bore great fatigue without failing sick by the way my child had not an hour's uneasiness although she was only three hours in bed every night at another time half this fatigue or even the want of rest would have thrown me into a fit of sickness God only knows both the sacrifices which he induced me to make and the joy of my heart in offering up everything to him had I kingdoms and environs I think I will yield them up with still more joy to give him the highest marks of my love as soon as we arrived at the inn I went to church and stayed there till dinner time in the coach my Divine Lord communed with me and in me in a manner which the others could not comprehend indeed not perceive the cheerfulness I show in the greatest dangers encouraged them I even sang hymns of joy at finding myself disengaged from the riches honors and endanglement of the world God in such a manner protects us he seemed to be to us a pillar of fire by night a pillar of a cloud by day we passed over a very dangerous spot between leons and chambery our courage broke as we were coming out of it had it happened a little sooner we would have perished we arrived at the innacy on Magdalene's Eve 1681 on Magdalene's day the bishop of Geneva performed Divine service for us at the tomb of Saint Francis des Ailes there I renew my spiritual marriage with my Redeemer as I did every year on this day there also I felt the sweet remembrance of that saint with whom our Lord gives me a singular union for it appears to me that the soul in God is united with saints the more so in proportion as they are conformable to him it is a union which it pleases God sometimes to revive after death and awaken in the soul for his own glory at such times departed saints a render more intimately present to that soul in God and this revival is as it were a holy intercourse of friend with friend in him who unites them all in one immortal tie that day we left innacy and on the next went to prayers at Geneva I had much joy at the communion it seemed to me as if God more powerfully united me to himself there I prayed to him for the conversion of that great people that evening where I laid at Gecks where we found only bare walls the bishop of Geneva had assured me that the house was furnished undoubtedly he believed it to be we lodged at the house of the sisters of charity who were so kind as to give us their beds I was in great pain of mine for my daughter who visibly lost weight I had a strong desire to place here with the Ursulins a tunon my heart was so affected on her behalf that I could not forbear weeping in secret for her next day I said that I would take my daughter to tunon and leave her there till I should see how we might be accommodated they opposed to it strongly after a manner which seemed very heart-hearted as well as ungrateful seeing she was skeleton I looked upon the child as a victim whom I had imprudently sacrificed I wrote to Father Lacombe in greeting him to come and see me to consult together about it I thought I could not in conscience keep her in this place any longer several days passed without my having any answer in the meantime I became resigned to the will of God whether to have soccer or not end of chapter 1 volume 2 of the autobiography of Madame Keon